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Blue Haired Bridesmaid!

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Re: Blue Haired Bridesmaid!

  • LD1970LD1970 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    mommysolt said:
    OMG y'all.  It's a wedding, not a definition of friendship.  It's one day.  Lay off her.  What if she is paying for the whole thing out of pocket?  If I was going to spend that much money, yeah, I would care what my pictures looked like.  

    Moving on....

    Well if she's such a fan of changing her hair color, and she seems to be on board, then I don't think its terribly unreasonable to present many other colors of the spectrum that she can experiment with.  It would be different if she was known as the friend with blue hair for the past 10 years, but if this is just part of this "galaxy hair" trend, then I don't see why its such a big deal to ask her to pause her trend, so that you can have your forever wedding pictures without the "fashion" hair.  Hair does not make you who you are.  And if she felt like staying up to date with the latest instagram fad was more important, then that sounds pretty immature to me actually.  What's going to happen when she decides it's not cool anymore 2 months after your wedding, but the "my little pony" hair is immortalized in every picture you have?  It's not even going to look like her, because if this is not a regular thing, this isn't who she is as a person.  It's a fashion trend.  "Hey, can I grow my nails out 2 feet, because its just what I need to do to express myself as a person??"  No!!!  You have to draw a line somewhere.  I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask this of her, because I had a girl show up with some freaky hair style at my wedding, thinking she looked so cute and "rockabilly", but no, it did not look that way.  Everytime those pictures come out, it's never, "Oh you look so pretty in your Wedding dress!", it's always, "Who is the girl with the hair that looks like devil horns?"  This is your day, and you have a right to make a request, and if she isn't okay with it, she most certainly has the right to say no.  Which it sounds like she might do anyways, if she's as flaky as you say she is.

    OMG!  I paid for my wedding, including my kickass photographer, and I didn't give a flying fuck what my bridesmaids' hair looked like.  Or makeup.  Or shoes.  Or jewelry.  Because they're my sister and friends, and that's what matters.

    Anyone friend who told me what to do with my hair for his or her wedding would no longer be a friend.  Because yes, you telling me what to do and saying I'm not good enough as is or permitted to make my own choices about my own body IS a measure of our friendship.  It means that you don't give a shit about me and can go to hell.

    As for Instagram?  Grow up.  Instagram has existed for a minute.  I knew a guy in college - 1990 - who had electric blue hair.  And then neon green hair.  When my mother took me to the salon in 1978, I wanted my hair tinted fuschia, just like the hairdresser's was.  Colorful hair isn't trendy at this point.  It's classic.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
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  • randomsloverandomslove member
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    By the way, this summer I was MOH in a wedding (for my FSIL) with my green and blue hair, piercings, and tattoos. Bride is an "all natural" type-- no tats, no piercings, naturally blonde hair. Her wedding colors? Black and purple. She LOVES her pictures of us.





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  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
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    edited October 2015
    mommysolt said:
    TrixieJess said:
    mommysolt said:
    TrixieJess said:
    Knottie1440604088 said:
    Help! I need advice! I recently started planning for my wedding in October of 2016 and am in the process of choosing my wedding party. I'm thinking of doing the official "Will you be my bridesmaids?" gifts in March. I have a friend that I have known for 15 years and she has a very "unique" style. She recently dyed her hair blue about a month ago and when I threw the idea out that she should change it back to blonde for my upcoming wedding next year she seemed completely on board. Now she is saying that she can't bleach it back because it won't take and that she would have to grow it out. But now she is thinking of putting purple and pink in it! :/ I kind of want to tell her if she can't figure out how to get it to a natural hair color (brown, black, red or blonde) by March then I will ask someone else. I know she wants to be in my wedding really bad but I don't want people looking back on my wedding pictures years from now and having the first thing they see is her hair!  It also doesn't really help that she isn't good at keeping plans and isn't very responsible. What should I do?
    Let me tell you a story. Once a long time ago I was asked to be MOH in a very good friend's wedding. We had been friends for 15 years at this point. She told all of us that she wanted us to have long hair and for it to be a "normal" colour. So, two weeks before her wedding, I cut all my hair and dyed it pretty colours (normal for me). She was not impressed. I ruined her "vision". Well, we are no longer friends partly because she cared more about her "vision" than her friends. 

    Just throwing this out there.

    She said she wanted y'all to have long hair and for it to be a "normal" color.... to which you said.... ????  Was that where you spoke your mind like an adult and said, "actually, I had this idea in mind, that doesn't really go along with that, but it's really pretty, let me tell you about it...", 

    OR

    Did you take your "friend's" comment, stick it in your back pocket, then when you're about to dye your hair, take that comment out of your back pocket, and say "meh, whatev", and dye it anyways, because you assumed she said it just for fun, and her opinions on HER wedding day don't matter.

    Sounds like there may be bigger reasons why you aren't friends anymore.  Just saying... friendships take communication, and you have to be willing to talk about things.  
    Pretty much this. I was a hair model at the time and the colour of my hair had to do with how much I was getting paid. SO yep. My friend at the time knew it and because her vision trumped anything else, I said Fuck it.

    As to why we aren't friends anymore, it was one of the nails in the coffin. Two other people who were in the wedding party that she was friends with also took the opportunity to drop her like a hot potato because of things that surrounded her wedding.

    Your BMs are there because YOU are honouring THEM. They are not at your beck and call nor are they there as props. You should pick people who you can call at 2am and ask them to bring a shovel and gloves and they show up without question. If they aren't those people, they shouldn't be in your BP.

    Ok, yeah, can understand getting paid.  But clearly you knew it was going to be an issue becuase its not like she never said anything...   Like if you did it and she had never said anything at all, then freaked out on you, then yeah, maybe I would be like, "I didn't realize it was so important to you, this is my job, etc, etc"  But if you were a hair model, and she brought it up ahead of time.... y'all didn't have any discussion as friends?  Clearly one of you had to know it was going to come up.  

    I dunno, I just don't think it's cool to do that to your friends if you care about each other and you know for a fact that she has expressed one thing that is important to her.  But I don't know your situation, so maybe everyone is happier not being friends with her.

    Only fair to look at both sides.
    The point is, she shouldn't have dictated ANYTHING. The people you choose to be in your wedding are your nearest and dearest, not props. When you dictate how people should look, you are taking away what they mean to you and letting them know that they are only there as 'Background" not as friends. Capisce?

    ETA: By the time this wedding came around, I was so sick of all the shit she was laying down that if I could have taken myself out of the wedding, I would have. 

    Also, she knew about my job(s), she didn't care. Her "Vision" mattered more than her friends. 
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  • mileybangerzmileybangerz member
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    edited October 2015
    @mommysolt said:
    TrixieJess said:
    mommysolt said:
    TrixieJess said:
    Knottie1440604088 said:
    Help! I need advice! I recently started planning for my wedding in October of 2016 and am in the process of choosing my wedding party. I'm thinking of doing the official "Will you be my bridesmaids?" gifts in March. I have a friend that I have known for 15 years and she has a very "unique" style. She recently dyed her hair blue about a month ago and when I threw the idea out that she should change it back to blonde for my upcoming wedding next year she seemed completely on board. Now she is saying that she can't bleach it back because it won't take and that she would have to grow it out. But now she is thinking of putting purple and pink in it! :/ I kind of want to tell her if she can't figure out how to get it to a natural hair color (brown, black, red or blonde) by March then I will ask someone else. I know she wants to be in my wedding really bad but I don't want people looking back on my wedding pictures years from now and having the first thing they see is her hair!  It also doesn't really help that she isn't good at keeping plans and isn't very responsible. What should I do?
    Let me tell you a story. Once a long time ago I was asked to be MOH in a very good friend's wedding. We had been friends for 15 years at this point. She told all of us that she wanted us to have long hair and for it to be a "normal" colour. So, two weeks before her wedding, I cut all my hair and dyed it pretty colours (normal for me). She was not impressed. I ruined her "vision". Well, we are no longer friends partly because she cared more about her "vision" than her friends. 

    Just throwing this out there.

    She said she wanted y'all to have long hair and for it to be a "normal" color.... to which you said.... ????  Was that where you spoke your mind like an adult and said, "actually, I had this idea in mind, that doesn't really go along with that, but it's really pretty, let me tell you about it...", 

    OR

    Did you take your "friend's" comment, stick it in your back pocket, then when you're about to dye your hair, take that comment out of your back pocket, and say "meh, whatev", and dye it anyways, because you assumed she said it just for fun, and her opinions on HER wedding day don't matter.

    Sounds like there may be bigger reasons why you aren't friends anymore.  Just saying... friendships take communication, and you have to be willing to talk about things.  
    Pretty much this. I was a hair model at the time and the colour of my hair had to do with how much I was getting paid. SO yep. My friend at the time knew it and because her vision trumped anything else, I said Fuck it.

    As to why we aren't friends anymore, it was one of the nails in the coffin. Two other people who were in the wedding party that she was friends with also took the opportunity to drop her like a hot potato because of things that surrounded her wedding.

    Your BMs are there because YOU are honouring THEM. They are not at your beck and call nor are they there as props. You should pick people who you can call at 2am and ask them to bring a shovel and gloves and they show up without question. If they aren't those people, they shouldn't be in your BP.

    Ok, yeah, can understand getting paid.  But clearly you knew it was going to be an issue becuase its not like she never said anything...   Like if you did it and she had never said anything at all, then freaked out on you, then yeah, maybe I would be like, "I didn't realize it was so important to you, this is my job, etc, etc"  But if you were a hair model, and she brought it up ahead of time.... y'all didn't have any discussion as friends?  Clearly one of you had to know it was going to come up.  

    I dunno, I just don't think it's cool to do that to your friends if you care about each other and you know for a fact that she has expressed one thing that is important to her.  But I don't know your situation, so maybe everyone is happier not being friends with her.

    Only fair to look at both sides.
    So the only people exempt from your horrid advice are those who are paid for their hair to look a certain way?  Gotcha.

    The thing is, changing your hair style is not doing anything "to your friend".  If a person makes that drastic an alteration just to spite someone, then there's more than meets the eye. 

    But then again, if someone told me that my hair had to be long & brown for her wedding, I may be all
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  • RachelR1977+RBRachelR1977+RB member
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    Totally serious question - how does it count as a 'natural' hair color when it comes out of a box? whether or not it's red, bright red, blonde, black, blue, green, teal (mine right now), or whatever, it's not her natural hair color.  

    which obviously shouldn't matter because OMG HAIR.

    but if you want her to have her natural hair color, isn't that asking her to shave her head & hope it grows back in before the wedding? 
    .... excuse me while i go get those pesky kids off my lawn. ;)


    sincerely, 
    THE OLD
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    OliveOilsMom said:

    I think a very fundamental definition of friendship is accepting each other as they are.  What better way to honor that friendship than allowing them to be themselves at the wedding while they stand up with you? 

    I also think that in 20 years, you go and look back on your wedding pictures, you will find yourself upset that your BM doesn't look like "herself" in your pictures.  And that would be your fault.

    OP - you already accept that this friend is flaky and has un-natural hair colors.  So why can't you accept that also on your wedding day if you accept it every other day of the year?

    If, in 20 years, you even have any of those pictures on display.  My parents, IL's, and other relatives who have been married 20+ years each only have 1-2 wedding photos in display to this day, and none of them include the wedding party. . . they are just pictures of the couple.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
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    OliveOilsMom said:

    I think a very fundamental definition of friendship is accepting each other as they are.  What better way to honor that friendship than allowing them to be themselves at the wedding while they stand up with you? 

    I also think that in 20 years, you go and look back on your wedding pictures, you will find yourself upset that your BM doesn't look like "herself" in your pictures.  And that would be your fault.

    OP - you already accept that this friend is flaky and has un-natural hair colors.  So why can't you accept that also on your wedding day if you accept it every other day of the year?

    QFT. Perfect advice is perfect.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    JediElizabeth said:
    OliveOilsMom said:

    I think a very fundamental definition of friendship is accepting each other as they are.  What better way to honor that friendship than allowing them to be themselves at the wedding while they stand up with you? 

    I also think that in 20 years, you go and look back on your wedding pictures, you will find yourself upset that your BM doesn't look like "herself" in your pictures.  And that would be your fault.

    OP - you already accept that this friend is flaky and has un-natural hair colors.  So why can't you accept that also on your wedding day if you accept it every other day of the year?

    QFT. Perfect advice is perfect.
    Because of the forever pictures!!!!!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • onefootinthebayouonefootinthebayou member
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    mommysolt said:
    JediElizabeth said:
    mommysolt said:
    OMG y'all.  It's a wedding, not a definition of friendship.  It's one day.  Lay off her.  What if she is paying for the whole thing out of pocket?  If I was going to spend that much money, yeah, I would care what my pictures looked like.  

    Moving on....

    Well if she's such a fan of changing her hair color, and she seems to be on board, then I don't think its terribly unreasonable to present many other colors of the spectrum that she can experiment with.  It would be different if she was known as the friend with blue hair for the past 10 years, but if this is just part of this "galaxy hair" trend, then I don't see why its such a big deal to ask her to pause her trend, so that you can have your forever wedding pictures without the "fashion" hair.  Hair does not make you who you are.  And if she felt like staying up to date with the latest instagram fad was more important, then that sounds pretty immature to me actually.  What's going to happen when she decides it's not cool anymore 2 months after your wedding, but the "my little pony" hair is immortalized in every picture you have?  It's not even going to look like her, because if this is not a regular thing, this isn't who she is as a person.  It's a fashion trend.  "Hey, can I grow my nails out 2 feet, because its just what I need to do to express myself as a person??"  No!!!  You have to draw a line somewhere.  I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask this of her, because I had a girl show up with some freaky hair style at my wedding, thinking she looked so cute and "rockabilly", but no, it did not look that way.  Everytime those pictures come out, it's never, "Oh you look so pretty in your Wedding dress!", it's always, "Who is the girl with the hair that looks like devil horns?"  This is your day, and you have a right to make a request, and if she isn't okay with it, she most certainly has the right to say no.  Which it sounds like she might do anyways, if she's as flaky as you say she is.

    There is SO much wrong with this.

    Do not judge your friends by their hair. Do not make them conform to your little outdated box just so your pictures match your vision. Gross. Gross. Gross.

    And dying hair? Not something you just do one day and then go back to the last color the next. I don't know if you know this about hair, but it gets damaged by chemical processes, and really can't tolerate application after application of dye. So no, you're not asking her to change it for a day, you're asking her to change it for weeks or more.

    Not that that matters, because you shouldn't ask a friend to change their hair for you anyway. 

    Ask them to wear a dress or specific color? Sure. Nail polish? Pushing it, and rude but tolerable. Updo or down? Meh, uncool, but whatever, it's a day. Semi-permanent chemical process to conform to an outdated beauty standard? No. 

    But, you know, it's your day, so go ahead and make your demands. I'm sure you totally won't ruin a friendship from it or anything.


    ---Edited because words 

    So then at this rate she will have no hair for this wedding because it will have all fallen out, because it sounds like she wants to keep dying it anyways.  

    Sooooo, basically it's okay to force your friends to wear the color you want, the dress you want, the style you want, regardless if it looks good on their body type, or whether or not they hate that color, or feel like it doesn't bring out "who they are as a person".  For what??? For AN IMAGE!  Otherwise, everyone can just wear leggings or whatever, I want you to be yourself completely.

    Bridesmaids are ASKED to be bridesmaids.  Not told.  And I don't think a bridesmaid has to pay for the photography, or the dinner, or the venue, or anything else.

    If her friend knows its that important to her, then it shouldn't be that big of a deal.  What if this girl has some giant Pikachu tattoo on her arm and the bride is totally cool with that, but it's just this one thing that's important to her?  

    Who is the wedding really about here?  


    SITB----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Re: boled.  That's easy:

    Ceremony: About couple getting married
    Reception: A thank you to the guests who came to witness the ceremony
    Bridal party: Honored guests.  (Not props, hired help, or free labor). 

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  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited October 2015
    mommysolt said:
    Ok, yeah, can understand getting paid.  But clearly you knew it was going to be an issue becuase its not like she never said anything...   Like if you did it and she had never said anything at all, then freaked out on you, then yeah, maybe I would be like, "I didn't realize it was so important to you, this is my job, etc, etc"  But if you were a hair model, and she brought it up ahead of time.... y'all didn't have any discussion as friends?  Clearly one of you had to know it was going to come up.  

    I dunno, I just don't think it's cool to do that to your friends if you care about each other and you know for a fact that she has expressed one thing that is important to her.  But I don't know your situation, so maybe everyone is happier not being friends with her.

    Only fair to look at both sides.

    The problem is that the bride had no right to tell the BMs what length and color she wanted in the first place. It's the bridesmaid's hair. It's part of her body.

    It's not like a dress (where a good bride still makes sure everyone is comfortable with it), because at the end of the day, a bridesmaid can take the dress off. But the hair on her head is hers to grow, cut or color as she sees fit. Tattoos are part of her skin, as are piercings.

    Telling someone the length or color their hair can be is not different than telling them what weight she should be.

    Now... in the same sitch I probably would still have told the bride up front "I'm going to cut or color my hair how I want. Or if it's for work however they want. I hope you understand," rather than stay quiet about it till the end. But it doesn't change the fact that bride was wrong to demand it in the first place.


    ETA: wow I posted this late

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  • particuliersylpheparticuliersylphe member
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    What should you do? Apologize to her for suggesting she change her hair and get over it. She is your friend, not a prop. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker


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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    When you ask a person to be a BM you accept them for who they are & don't ask them to change. One of my BM loves to color her hair bright colors. Before my wedding it was black, red & blond, kind of looked liked flames, it was cool. She has an out there personality and that's why I love her. She choose on her own to color her hair a dark auburn color right before my wedding. Again, 100% her choice, I told her she didn't have to when she told me she was going to do it. She even got a new tattoo right before my wedding which was on display with the dresses being sleeveless and it was on her upper arm. But I knew she had other tattoos that would be seen at the wedding when I asked her. I think the only time it is appropriate to ask someone to do something regarding their looks is if you are getting married in a religious venue that has something against tattoos, to ask them to wear a shawl or little jacket to cover the tattoo up for during the ceremony.

    If you decide to kick her out in March based on her hair color, be prepared to lose a friend, and to reimburse her for anything she's already paid for, like her dress. Women color their hair all the time. She can do any color she wants and easily be able to cover it with black or brown right before her wedding. Blond, well that's tricky because of all the stripping involved that would probably ruin her hair totally. It's time to decide now, do you love your friend enough to not care about her hair color or do you want her out? If you can't accept her no matter what her hair color is for your wedding, maybe you shouldn't have asked her.

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  • RomanceManagedRomanceManaged member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    This makes me really appreciate people in my life. Story time.

    I was one of those crazy goth kids (I still have tripp pants and corsets to prove it ) and until very recently, My hair has not been a "normal" color or cut in the last ten years. I'm absolutely covered in tattoos, and I love myself.

    That being said, I was my sisters MOH, and (selfishly, in hindsight. Please don't yell at me) decided to get my snake bites the day before the wedding.I had these ugly, giant rings in my mouth and want to know what she said ? She asked if I would be able to change the giant rings to something more comfortable for a day of smiling and talking, and offered to go shopping for something I would like.

    Moral of this long story: You pick the people in your wedding because you love them, and accept them. Purple hair, mouth full of metal, and all.

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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
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    Ugh.  One of my bridesmaids just had surgery to remove Ovarian Cancer from her lady parts.  I'm just hoping she doesn't need chemo because I love her and don't want to see her go through that and your panties are in a bunch over her hair color??  Grow up.

    I have blue highlights, that actually faded to a cool blonde-green, thank God FI didn't call the whole thing off!
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  • spockforprezspockforprez member
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    My mom just dyed her hair purple. While it's not my favorite look for her, it's her hair to do what she wants with. Blue hair is not an emergency.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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  • indigo26indigo26 member
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    Lol @spockforprez  my mom is planning on doing her hair purple too! She wants a gradient with the tips being bright purple and have it fade as it goes up to her roots. After she told me she wanted this, then she got a horrified look on her face and went "Oh crap, I can't do it before your wedding - I'm walking you down the aisle!" I looked at her and asked why not? My bridesmaids have tats and multiple piercings, why can't my mom have purple hair? So she's doing it. I think its awesome.
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  • Knottie1445267317Knottie1445267317 member
    First Comment
    You could start by not being a shallow jerk.
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  • drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
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    edited November 2015
    Knottie1445267317 said:
    You could start by not being a shallow jerk.


    Why.Won't.This.Thread.Just.Die.

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    randomslove said:
    Either you want her as BM or you don't. DO NOT make her hair the "reason" you don't. To be honest, that sounds like what you're doing.

    You talk about her hair, her hair, her hair, then casually mention toward the end that there may be another issue. To me, that means you're probably trying to justify not having her hair "ruin" your vision. Either she's a good enough friend you want her as a BM regardless of how she looks, or she's not a good enough friend. That's all. That is the only issue.

    I have blue/green hair. If asked to be in a wedding right now, I would be hurt if the person decided my hair was too weird and I needed to dye it for their "vision." I look spectacular with blue and green hair. It looks right on me, to my eyes and to the eyes of my FI (who said he prefers it like this to my natural auburn, or an artificial red, or blonde, or brown, or any other color I've ever had it). I'd also start to wonder what else they'd want to change about me. Would they want me to tan? (I'm very pale naturally-- Irish blood). Would they want me to lose weight? (I'm a size six, but short, so curvy). Would they want me to cover my tattoos? (Chest, both arms, back are all easy to see in gowns). Would they want me to take out all but ear lobe piercings? (Five extra on one ear, three on the other, nose stud, philtrum, bottom lip-- to be fair, the facial piercings are all good as far as taking out if they really want; heck, it's a 50/50 whether I wear the lower lip piercing in public anyway).

    I've heard of brides who want to change weight, skin tone, hair color, decorations... brides who insist their wedding party don't wear their engagement rings. Seriously, where does the BMs right to their own bodies stop and a bride's right to dictate end?

    The dress, sure. I can understand that. But everything else.... you supposedly choose people because who they are to you, not what they look like. If you care so much that they all look the same, go find triplet models and get them to sign a contract.

    Yes, I know this is extreme. Guess what? That's to drive home the point.

    (Personal note-- I'm telling my BMs and MOH what color dress to choose and giving them the info of normal weather for the date and place. My MOH has facial piercings and tattoos, one BM has two tattoos, one is completely natural. Should they change something between now and my wedding, they will still be in my wedding. I chose them for who they are, not how they look. One of my FI's groomsmen has ear piercings--- cool, if he wants to keep them in for the wedding, that's fine by me. We knew who they were when we chose our BP. We love them and their quirks.)

    ETF typo
    Yes, and yes. So much of this.  

    A    ll my BMs have their own individual sense of style, and I would never ask them to change it for the sake of my wedding.  One of my BMs is constantly changing up her hair. She currently has a fohawk dyed bright blonde (two months it was purple), and if she still has that hairstyle when I get married, what do I care? It might be "my" day, but it's her hair on her body! All of my BMs are beautiful inside and out, and as long as they're there for me on my wedding day, that's all that matters! Who cares about the color of their hair!

     


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