Need help on how to handle Rehearsal Dinner & Future Mother-In-Law

Re: Need help on how to handle Rehearsal Dinner & Future Mother-In-Law

• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  October 2015

  mswButterfly said:

  Here's the back story.... My fiancé and I have been blessed that my parents have offered to pay for the entire wedding with a generous budget and my finance's parents have offered to plan and pay for the rehearsal dinner.  Even though the wedding is not for another 8 months, my FMIL wants to start planning for the rehearsal dinner now, and we haven't finalized the wedding guest list nor send the save-the-dates out yet.  That seems a little odd to me, but I'm accepting the fact that she's retired and a planner, and likes to have things planned as far in advance as possible.  She asked for the RD list the other day and I gave her a list of the 25 that are directly involved in the wedding (including SO's and their kids since those are the only kids that are being invited to the wedding and 2 are in the wedding party and 1 is from out of town), 14 of my out-of-town family (which probably only 5-7 will be able to attend the wedding) and the 20 out-of-town friends and family that are on my MIL's list she gave me for the wedding.  

  
  

  Here's the dilemma... when I sent her the list she said, "Thanks but the list still needs to be cut down." I don't know who to cut from my side since everyone on that list is extremely important to me and although some aren't directly involved in the rehearsal, I couldn't imagine them not being part of all the wedding festivities.  I don't want to seem like a brat and say my parents are paying a lot of money for the wedding, so why can't she pay for maybe 7 more people when I know she can afford it.  Do I ask her who she thinks should be cut from my wedding party and out-of-town family and then offer to pay for them or just cut them out completely and deal with my family asking why they're not invited?  I am extremely grateful that my fiance's parents even offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner, but I'm a little offended that they won't include my close, out-of-town family when my parents are paying a lot of money for all of their family and friends at the wedding.

  FMIL can cap the guest list at whatever she wants. The only people required to be there are WP, immediate family and SOs. Kids are not required (unless in the wedding) and OOT guests are not required. So I can see 34 people plus kids who you can immediately cut.
  
  If you want those people to attend, your approach would be "FMIL, I know this is your party, but would you mind if we paid for these extra 34 people and the kids? Its important to us that they attend." She can say no. If she does and you don't agree, then pay for it yourself and invite as many people as you want.

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• justsie member

  

  October 2015

  mswButterfly said:

  Here's the back story.... My fiancé and I have been blessed that my parents have offered to pay for the entire wedding with a generous budget and my finance's parents have offered to plan and pay for the rehearsal dinner.  Even though the wedding is not for another 8 months, my FMIL wants to start planning for the rehearsal dinner now, and we haven't finalized the wedding guest list nor send the save-the-dates out yet.  That seems a little odd to me, but I'm accepting the fact that she's retired and a planner, and likes to have things planned as far in advance as possible.  She asked for the RD list the other day and I gave her a list of the 25 that are directly involved in the wedding (including SO's and their kids since those are the only kids that are being invited to the wedding and 2 are in the wedding party and 1 is from out of town), 14 of my out-of-town family (which probably only 5-7 will be able to attend the wedding) and the 20 out-of-town friends and family that are on my MIL's list she gave me for the wedding.  

  
  

  Here's the dilemma... when I sent her the list she said, "Thanks but the list still needs to be cut down." I don't know who to cut from my side since everyone on that list is extremely important to me and although some aren't directly involved in the rehearsal, I couldn't imagine them not being part of all the wedding festivities.  I don't want to seem like a brat and say my parents are paying a lot of money for the wedding, so why can't she pay for maybe 7 more people when I know she can afford it.  Do I ask her who she thinks should be cut from my wedding party and out-of-town family and then offer to pay for them or just cut them out completely and deal with my family asking why they're not invited?  I am extremely grateful that my fiance's parents even offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner, but I'm a little offended that they won't include my close, out-of-town family when my parents are paying a lot of money for all of their family and friends at the wedding.

  You went about this backwards. You need to ask FMIL how many people she can host and then plan your amount around that, or deny her money and host the rehearsal on you and your FI's budget. The only people that need to be invited to the rehearsal are those that are directly involved (wedding party, parents) and their SO's- so that may have been what your FMIL was planning on spending. 

  It is not up to you or your FI to decide for someone else how much they can spend. It also is pretty rude to compare the amounts your family is willing to spend with them. Remember, this is your FI's family and your future family. Don't start harboring some ill feelings now over money before that's even official, because that's what it is coming off as. 

  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  October 2015 edited October 2015

  I would cut your out-of-town guests from the list. Don't express to your FMIL that you're offended that she won't host them, because out-of-town guests aren't required to be invited to rehearsal dinners. Don't offer to pay for them-it's up to whoever is hosting (in this case, your FMIL) to decide what their budget is and what they can afford isn't up to you to decide.
  
  If you think your out-of-town guests are entitled to extra hospitality on top of what's being provided at your reception, I'm afraid it's up to you to provide it yourself rather than be offended that your FMIL won't. In fact, it's offensive that you think they're entitled to be hosted at your FMIL's expense when they are not. How much your parents are paying isn't relevant, so stop keeping score.

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• redoryx member

  

  October 2015

  Just because your parents are inviting X to the wedding paying $Y doesn't have any bearing on the RD and, yes, it's kind of bratty to approach it that way. 

  
  

  The only people that need to be invited are the bridal party and their SOs and if that's all your FMIL wants to host, she is well within her rights to do that. So you ask her how many people she can afford to host above the bridal party + SOs and build the rest of your list around that. If she's not able to host anyone beyond the bridal party, you can suck it up or you and your FI can host the RD on your own. 

  
  

  But, really, don't look at this as "My parents are paying so much money, why can't my FI's parents fork over more?" because that is no way to establish a good relationship with your FI's parents and your future in-laws. 

  

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• arrrghmatey member

  

  October 2015

  Cut the out-of-towners. They will still be at the wedding.
  
  If you want to spend more time with your OOT guests, plan a casual get-together at the hotel or a nearby bar (unhosted, word of mouth type of thing) after the RD.
  

                                   

  
  

                                                 

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  November 2015

  arrrghmatey said:

  Cut the out-of-towners. They will still be at the wedding.
  
  If you want to spend more time with your OOT guests, plan a casual get-together at the hotel or a nearby bar (unhosted, word of mouth type of thing) after the RD.
  

  This... or invite them casually to brunch at the hotel on Sunday AM or host one (gift opening) where they're invited. 

  Really, unless they're involved in the wedding itself (plus SO's), there's no reason to invite them to the RD too... 

  
  

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• AddieCake member

  

  November 2015

  You don't get to decide what she can and cannot afford or what she should be willing to afford.

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  November 2015

  If your FMIL is hosting the RD, it's her party to plan, however she wishes. You shouldn't expect her to match your parent's level of hospitality. Be careful about offering to pay for your extra guests. Your FMIL might feel insulted that what she has offered isn't good enough for you. KWIM? 

  
  

                     

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• delujm0 member

  

  November 2015

  It sounds like you only really NEED to invite the 25 that are actually involved in the rehearsal plus SOs.

   

  I can see where you're getting hung up on the OOT guests though.  Presumably, your MIL wants her 20 people invited, but not your side's 14.  Is that what the hang up is?  I agree that's kind of bush league, but unfortunately it's your MIL's party, and she can make that call.  Personally?  I'd tell her "thanks for your generosity, but we'd prefer to host it ourselves so that we can invite more people" and move on.  Or offer to supplement her budget so that the extra people from your side can attend (if only 5-7 of them wind up making the trip, this shouldn't be too expensive for you).

   

  However, if she is arguing that any of the 25 people who are involved in the ceremony should be cut, i'd call her out on that.  yes, if their children aren't in the wedding they don't have to come, but if members of the bridal party are from OOT and you know they won't have a sitter, i think it's really nice of you to invite the kids so that they can attend.  If FMIL won't accept that these 25 people NEED to be invited, you will have to host it yourself.  It is non-negotiable that the wedding party and their SOs be invited to the rehearsal dinner. 

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• lc07 member

  

  November 2015

  PPs have given great advice. I get that it's important to you to have OOT guests invited. It was VERY important to me. I hosted my own RD so this was never an issue.

  
  

  Also, to help shift your thinking about your parents spending vs his parents spending, keep in mind that your parents are giving you a GIFT of paying for the wedding. And your FILs are giving you a GIFT of paying for the RD. Gifts should be accepted graciously and not expected. You would never complain that your FILs gave you a lesser holiday gift than your parents. You'd just appreciate the gift and move on because no one owes you a gift. If one of my other friends gives my best friend a HUGE birthday gift, am I required to match it? Of course not. NO ONE is expected to pay for anything related to your wedding except you and FI.

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• SP29 member

  

  December 2015 edited December 2015

  Agree with all of the above.
  
  I would ask your FMIL what number of guests she is comfortable hosting and go from there. 
  
  The only people required are anyone directly involved with the rehearsal- which is the WP and their SOs. (And these people NEED to be invited- don't like FMIL sway you on that one). 
  
  I would not try to make this tit for tat- FMIL isn't responsible to host your OOT guests at the RD because your parents graciously offered to host many of her friends/family. That is what they offered- if they had a problem with that, it should have been dealt with initially, just as FMIL is doing now. 
  
  
  

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