How to deal with being MOH at a PPD?

Knottie1436749353 · December 2015

So, my sister and her FI eloped recently. I was supposed to be the MOH for their future wedding.

I have since come to understand that my sister is still planning on doing the orginally planned wedding in ten months --- it's going to be a total PPD...complete with:

Insisting on a big, white wedding dress, plus expensive accessories and a full veil with custom lacework and blusher.
Full wedding ceremony (including having to have someone ordained perform the ceremony -- which makes zero sense to me).
Not wanting to tell anyone that they are already married.

I'm struggling. I love my sister and her husband and want them to be happy and want to be supportive. I understand why it was important to them to get married sooner rather than later (health insurance, stress). But, I'm really having a hard time with being involved with doing save-the-dates, invitations, a bachelorette party, and the whole hullabaloo for a PPD. I'm glad I'm immediate family and can't be asked to host a shower --- I don't think I could bring myself to do it.

You get one wedding day. I don't think the PPD thing is OK. I think it's rude to choose to have a private wedding, but then invite everyone to watch you recreate the day you didn't bother to have the first time. And I find it especially galling to not be open with guests as to the fact that what they are attending is not the actual wedding.

I've steered them towards using the "celebration of the marriage of" language on the invitations....but I'm not sure how I should handle things going forward.

Also, I'm frankly hurt that they chose to elope without informing immediate family but still want us to go all out for their fake-wedding-PPD and I don't know how much my personal hurt feelings are interfering with objectiveness here.

I'm open to any advice on how I should handle the situation going forward.

holyguacamole79 · December 2015

Knottie1436749353 said:

So, my sister and her FI eloped recently. I was supposed to be the MOH for their future wedding.

I have since come to understand that my sister is still planning on doing the orginally planned wedding in ten months --- it's going to be a total PPD...complete with:
Insisting on a big, white wedding dress, plus expensive accessories and a full veil with custom lacework and blusher.
Full wedding ceremony (including having to have someone ordained perform the ceremony -- which makes zero sense to me).
Not wanting to tell anyone that they are already married.
I'm struggling. I love my sister and her husband and want them to be happy and want to be supportive. I understand why it was important to them to get married sooner rather than later (health insurance, stress). But, I'm really having a hard time with being involved with doing save-the-dates, invitations, a bachelorette party, and the whole hullabaloo for a PPD. I'm glad I'm immediate family and can't be asked to host a shower --- I don't think I could bring myself to do it.

You get one wedding day. I don't think the PPD thing is OK. I think it's rude to choose to have a private wedding, but then invite everyone to watch you recreate the day you didn't bother to have the first time. And I find it especially galling to not be open with guests as to the fact that what they are attending is not the actual wedding.

I've steered them towards using the "celebration of the marriage of" language on the invitations....but I'm not sure how I should handle things going forward.

Also, I'm frankly hurt that they chose to elope without informing immediate family but still want us to go all out for their fake-wedding-PPD and I don't know how much my personal hurt feelings are interfering with objectiveness here.

I'm open to any advice on how I should handle the situation going forward.

If you're not comfortable, then don't offer to do those things (help with invites, showers, etc). If she asks you why, let her know (without judgement, of course).

Does shes know that you're disappointed and why?

WinstonsGirl · December 2015

You don't have to throw her a shower, even if you are MOH. If you're not comfortable, don't offer.

It's tough cos you want to be there for your sister too. Good luck

CMGragain · December 2015

Yes, I would be there for my sister - I would decline to be her "MOH" and tell her why. There will be drama, but you might be saving her from making a mistake that will hurt other people in your family.
Do you really want to enable her? That is not being supportive.

LondonLisa · December 2015

I would also make it clear that you are uncomfortable with lying and you will not lie for her if asked if they are married. I would have an honest conversation with her and let her know that by deceiving people, there is a very, very real risk that she will see people pull away their relationship with her. The truth always comes out and you will see countless people on here complaining about going to a fake wedding under false pretenses.

Liatris2010 · December 2015

I would attend, but refuse to be an attendant or host pre-"wedding" parties. I think not wanting to actively participate in willfully misleading guests, friends, and family is a perfectly reasonable explanation.

MobKaz · December 2015

Knottie1436749353 said:

So, my sister and her FI eloped recently. I was supposed to be the MOH for their future wedding.

I have since come to understand that my sister is still planning on doing the orginally planned wedding in ten months --- it's going to be a total PPD...complete with:
Insisting on a big, white wedding dress, plus expensive accessories and a full veil with custom lacework and blusher.
Full wedding ceremony (including having to have someone ordained perform the ceremony -- which makes zero sense to me).
Not wanting to tell anyone that they are already married.
I'm struggling. I love my sister and her husband and want them to be happy and want to be supportive. I understand why it was important to them to get married sooner rather than later (health insurance, stress). But, I'm really having a hard time with being involved with doing save-the-dates, invitations, a bachelorette party, and the whole hullabaloo for a PPD. I'm glad I'm immediate family and can't be asked to host a shower --- I don't think I could bring myself to do it.

You get one wedding day. I don't think the PPD thing is OK. I think it's rude to choose to have a private wedding, but then invite everyone to watch you recreate the day you didn't bother to have the first time. And I find it especially galling to not be open with guests as to the fact that what they are attending is not the actual wedding.

I've steered them towards using the "celebration of the marriage of" language on the invitations....but I'm not sure how I should handle things going forward.

Also, I'm frankly hurt that they chose to elope without informing immediate family but still want us to go all out for their fake-wedding-PPD and I don't know how much my personal hurt feelings are interfering with objectiveness here.

I'm open to any advice on how I should handle the situation going forward.

Explain to her that most people will understand why they CHOSE to marry sooner than later, and that a party recognizing and celebrating their marriage is appropriate. Explain to her that people will NOT understand why they CHOSE to lie and deceive their family and friends.

You are experiencing hurtful feelings just knowing they eloped. Imagine the feelings of family and friends discovering they have spent time and money on a deliberate ruse. Emotions will go far beyond "hurt".

I would decline and be honest about it. Your feelings are not interfering with objectiveness. They are telling you that this scenario is wrong. It is interesting that your sister has no feelings of guilt nor does she seem to have any emotions regarding what this does to her sister and family.

southernbelle0915 · December 2015

Liatris2010 said:
I would attend, but refuse to be an attendant or host pre-"wedding" parties. I think not wanting to actively participate in willfully misleading guests, friends, and family is a perfectly reasonable explanation.

This.

Since she's moving forward with this, hopping up on a soap box and getting all preachy about PPDs isn't going to help your relationship with her. Her mind is made up. Just don't offer to throw any parties and change the subject when she asks for help with stuff. If she directly asks you why you're keeping your distance, tell her you love her and support her marriage but (insert Liatris' language here).

MyNameIsNot · December 2015

I would be really honest with my sister that I'm not comfortable with deceiving anyone, and that includes helping her deceive people. This isn't just a friend who is asking you to be complacent in deceiving her family; your sister is asking you to help perpetuate a lie to your own family. To me, deception by omission is just as bad as outright lying. If she wants to be honest about it (even if that includes having a fake ceremony and pretending to be a bride), I would stand up with her, but I couldn't be a part of a lie.

I was actually MOH in a PPD last year. My SIL decided to get married two months before the planned wedding because she couldn't be bothered to deal with getting a marriage license in her hometown. I found out the morning of the PPD, while we were getting ready. She asked me to keep it a secret. I told her I wasn't comfortable lying. I didn't go shouting from the rooftops or immediately step down, but I haven't fibbed when it's come up in conversation either. I think that if I'd found out sooner, I would have stepped down, but doing it on the morning of the "wedding" would have been way too much drama for me.

redoryx · December 2015

MyNameIsNot said:

I would be really honest with my sister that I'm not comfortable with deceiving anyone, and that includes helping her deceive people. This isn't just a friend who is asking you to be complacent in deceiving her family; your sister is asking you to help perpetuate a lie to your own family. To me, deception by omission is just as bad as outright lying. If she wants to be honest about it (even if that includes having a fake ceremony and pretending to be a bride), I would stand up with her, but I couldn't be a part of a lie.

I was actually MOH in a PPD last year. My SIL decided to get married two months before the planned wedding because she couldn't be bothered to deal with getting a marriage license in her hometown. I found out the morning of the PPD, while we were getting ready. She asked me to keep it a secret. I told her I wasn't comfortable lying. I didn't go shouting from the rooftops or immediately step down, but I haven't fibbed when it's come up in conversation either. I think that if I'd found out sooner, I would have stepped down, but doing it on the morning of the "wedding" would have been way too much drama for me.

Yes, I think there's a balance that can be met. I'd be upfront to my sister and tell her I'm not comfortable lying -- I wouldn't necessarily just start telling people, but if they bring it up in conversation I would have no problem mentioning it then and I'd make sure she knows that.

kimmiinthemitten · December 2015

I was the MOH for my sisters PPD. However, my sister and her husband did not keep their JOP marriage a secret. Their PPD was on the one year anniversary of their courthouse date, and it was held in a church as well.

I think you have to decide what's important to you and what it is that is bothering you. Are you upset because of the PPD, the lying to family, or because you weren't present when they eloped, or all three? If she's your sister you should be able to be honest with her even if it hurts her feelings today. With sisters it wouldn't be the first time, right?;) Just make sure whatever it is you do say, you're clear that you're not upset with her marriage and you support that.

SP29 · December 2015

Your feelings are not messing up your ability to be objective. Your feelings are the very reason why people on this forum are so hard on PPDs.

What kind of relationship do you have with your sister? Is it close enough for you to be frank with her? If so, I would. I would tell her that of course you support her marriage and you understand why she chose (yes, it is 100% a choice- and every choice comes with consequences, good or bad) to get married sooner. But, you do not support her lying to guests. I also would not partake in these pre-wedding events- do not offer to throw a shower or bacchelorette, and if there is anything else that makes you uncomfortable, do not offer or agree to participate. Be honest why.

thisismynickname2 · December 2015

The fact that she doesn't want to tell people they're married means they know what they're doing is wrong.
Great advice above; encourage her/them to come clean and call it a celebration of marriage instead of a wedding.

lembaslover · December 2015

I'm in pretty much the same situation but with my brother and now I'm not in their PPD. I tried to explain to him that what he is doing is wrong and that he needs to just be honest with people, scrap the fake ceremony, and just have a celebration of marriage party. Well that didn't go well. He started swearing at me and decided not to show up to my wedding even though he ended up getting the time off last minute. I've been working for the last 5 years on repairing our relationship and now it's gone again. Best news is my parents took his side and say I'm being selfish and that they want to see their son get married. Guess a fake ceremony is okay for them. So I'm pretty sure I'm not invited to his PPD anymore and even if I was I don't know if I'd go considering what he said and that he last minute told me he could come to my wedding and then even more last minute chose not to.

So I'd recommend not being confrontational or saying that they are wrong because once they've decided to have a PPD I don't think people can think reasonably about it anymore. All they care about is having "their day". If it were me I'd probably step down and I'd definitely avoid any pre-PPD parties. If she gets hurt by your lack of involvement try to say gently that you don't feel comfortable participating because it feels like you're being dishonest. Or maybe there's a nicer way to say that.

MobKaz · December 2015

marriedhamstermom said:

I'm in pretty much the same situation but with my brother and now I'm not in their PPD. I tried to explain to him that what he is doing is wrong and that he needs to just be honest with people, scrap the fake ceremony, and just have a celebration of marriage party. Well that didn't go well. He started swearing at me and decided not to show up to my wedding even though he ended up getting the time off last minute. I've been working for the last 5 years on repairing our relationship and now it's gone again. Best news is my parents took his side and say I'm being selfish and that they want to see their son get married. Guess a fake ceremony is okay for them. So I'm pretty sure I'm not invited to his PPD anymore and even if I was I don't know if I'd go considering what he said and that he last minute told me he could come to my wedding and then even more last minute chose not to.

So I'd recommend not being confrontational or saying that they are wrong because once they've decided to have a PPD I don't think people can think reasonably about it anymore. All they care about is having "their day". If it were me I'd probably step down and I'd definitely avoid any pre-PPD parties. If she gets hurt by your lack of involvement try to say gently that you don't feel comfortable participating because it feels like you're being dishonest. Or maybe there's a nicer way to say that.

It feels dishonest because it is dishonest.

I agree that there is no point in being confrontational. But principles can be maintained by doing as you, and others suggested. Decline the "honor" of being in the wedding party, or hosting any pre-PPD events. I would also make it crystal clear that if asked, I would not lie about any prior knowledge regarding the PPD or their marital status.

MairePoppy · December 2015

You should level with your sister. Tell her the truth will get out and she'll look like a gift grabby ass if she lies to her guests. Offer to help her plan a great party to celebrate her marriage, but tell her you won't lie to the guests.

VicTim328 · December 2015

I would also use the same "dishonest" answer for the Bach. She's not a bachelorette, so it's also dishonest.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2015

marriedhamstermom said:

I'm in pretty much the same situation but with my brother and now I'm not in their PPD. I tried to explain to him that what he is doing is wrong and that he needs to just be honest with people, scrap the fake ceremony, and just have a celebration of marriage party. Well that didn't go well. He started swearing at me and decided not to show up to my wedding even though he ended up getting the time off last minute. I've been working for the last 5 years on repairing our relationship and now it's gone again. Best news is my parents took his side and say I'm being selfish and that they want to see their son get married. Guess a fake ceremony is okay for them. So I'm pretty sure I'm not invited to his PPD anymore and even if I was I don't know if I'd go considering what he said and that he last minute told me he could come to my wedding and then even more last minute chose not to.

So I'd recommend not being confrontational or saying that they are wrong because once they've decided to have a PPD I don't think people can think reasonably about it anymore. All they care about is having "their day". If it were me I'd probably step down and I'd definitely avoid any pre-PPD parties. If she gets hurt by your lack of involvement try to say gently that you don't feel comfortable participating because it feels like you're being dishonest. Or maybe there's a nicer way to say that.

Jesus, this is a lot of family drama and a lot of adults acting like spoiled kids- your brother and your parents.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

Look, she is your sister. Be happy for them. Celebrate with them. Love them.

If their dream is to have a happy day and they are paying for it or their parents are paying for it, you sure are wasting a lot of energy on their day that they will have regardless. Live with no regrets!

As a sister, friend, family member, I would be happy for them, excited for them, supportive of them.

Either be supportive or don't, but most people who are not or begrudge other women the chance to be happy typically are acting bitter or jealous. But be honest about being jealous if that is the deal here. Think from your sister's perspective and think how awesome that your parents love you and your sister that they want to make her happy. If it was you, you would want the same thing.

So let them and let it go. Happy people want other people to be happy!

JediElizabeth · December 2015

Knottie1449102126 said:
Look, she is your sister. Be happy for them. Celebrate with them. Love them.
If their dream is to have a happy day and they are paying for it or their parents are paying for it, you sure are wasting a lot of energy on their day that they will have regardless. Live with no regrets!
As a sister, friend, family member, I would be happy for them, excited for them, supportive of them.
Either be supportive or don't, but most people who are not or begrudge other women the chance to be happy typically are acting bitter or jealous. But be honest about being jealous if that is the deal here. Think from your sister's perspective and think how awesome that your parents love you and your sister that they want to make her happy. If it was you, you would want the same thing.
So let them and let it go. Happy people want other people to be happy!

Unfortunately, people are generally hurt, not happy, when they find out they've been lied to.

I actually see very little wrong with PPDs, as long as people are honest. But it's shitty to lie to your guests, and even moreso to expect others to lie for you.

MairePoppy · December 2015

I don't have a problem with PPDs, either. But I have a problem with being lied to. Nothing wrong with a fancy party, toasts, wedding cake and dancing. I'm even good with the wife wearing her wedding dress a second time. Just don't ask your closest family members to lie for you.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

I am glad we agree on letting people be happy. Let them have their wedding.

southernbelle0915 · December 2015

Knottie1449102126 said:
I am glad we agree on letting people be happy. Let them have their wedding.

If they are already married it's not a wedding. That's the whole point..

MairePoppy · December 2015

Knottie1449102126 said:

I am glad we agree on letting people be happy. Let them have their wedding.

No, that's not what I said. Let them be happy and honest.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

Ok.. I am glad we agree on letting people be happy. and honest. LOL. Let them have their wedding.

Happy people want others to be happy.

MairePoppy · December 2015

[Deleted User] · December 2015

LOL.. I love your gifs..

drunkenwitch · December 2015

Knottie1449102126 said:
Ok.. I am glad we agree on letting people be happy. and honest. LOL. Let them have their wedding.
Happy people want others to be happy.

Boring troll is boring.

CMGragain · December 2015

Knottie1449102126 said:

I am glad we agree on letting people be happy. Let them have their wedding.

It is impossible to have more than one wedding per spouse. If you have two weddings, it is called bigamy.
A wedding is when two people become legally joined in marriage. In the USA, this can be done in a church, a courthouse, or pretty much anywhere, as long as the officiant is licensed in that state. White dresses, guests, parties. dancing and alcohol are optional.
I am curious why you are so adamant about having a PPD. Are YOU, by any chance, planning to have one?

TrixieJess · December 2015

Knottie1449102126 said:
Ok.. I am glad we agree on letting people be happy. and honest. LOL. Let them have their wedding.
Happy people want others to be happy.

They had their wedding, they are married. Reading comprehension is your friend.

kimmiinthemitten · December 2015

CMGragain said:

Knottie1449102126 said:

I am glad we agree on letting people be happy. Let them have their wedding.

It is impossible to have more than one wedding per spouse. If you have two weddings, it is called bigamy.
A wedding is when two people become legally joined in marriage. In the USA, this can be done in a church, a courthouse, or pretty much anywhere, as long as the officiant is licensed in that state. White dresses, guests, parties. dancing and alcohol are optional.
I am curious why you are so adamant about having a PPD. Are YOU, by any chance, planning to have one?

This was my thought too...Knottie #'s joined, lurked, learned the boards in general view PPDs poorly and has no decided to make it her Knot goal to defend all PPD's (since those are the only posts she responds to).

How to deal with being MOH at a PPD?

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