Fiance + his Daughter: differing thoughts on TV, food, etc... (long post)

lyndausvi · December 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

climbingwife said:

scribe95 said:

Honestly the more you say the more frustrated you sound. Some of it I get but some seems like you are being pretty picky.

Now you say he does take her to the pool or for a snack and a movie but that those activities aren't somehow good enough. It sounds like you want him to be out running and playing catch etc - something physical - because that is important to you. But he doesn't seem like a physically active person. I get that. I'm not either. It's not my thing. I am not coordinated.

The bolded - if that is true, you've got bigger problems than you may realize. My ex-husband was very much like that. Lazy, played video games, didn't like doing active things, didn't like to eat healthy. And unfortunately I thought I could change him. And when I realized I couldn't change him, I thought I could just deal with the fact that we liked to do different things. Needless to say, it didn't work out.

You can never change a person. If that person lays around and watches TV all day, expect that they will continue to do that. I'm not saying that people NEVER change, but you can't go into a marriage thinking you can change a person. And OP, I'm not saying that this is necessarily the case with you, but it's something I feel the need to point out, because I have been there.

I agree with this post almost 100%- the only thing I disagree with is the term "lazy" just because a person doesn't care to do "active things."

I'll be perfectly honest, if I had a choice between reading a book, watching a movie, working on one of my hobbies, playing a video game or going out for a run, playing tennis, or going for a hike. . . yeah I'm not going running or playing tennis, but I would might go for a hike if it's not too hot, lol.

Outdoorsy stuff is just not a preference for a lot of people, but I wouldn't consider them lazy for preferring to do other things. Lazy to me is when you consistently opt not to do typical household chores or keep up with house maintenance, choose not to work or have no work ethic at your job, etc.

I'm lazy when it comes to putting my cloths away after washing them- I'm the worst!!

I think it's lazy when TV becomes the only form of entertainment. You only have your daughter every other weekend and all you do is watch TV? Separate rooms it seems like is a little lazy too me.

However, i agree with you on the other points. I hate running, can't stand tennis. I like a good book or movie. I can spend all day Sunday watching football with no issue. I also like to go to the community festivals. Go pick out a pumpkin in a patch, pick apples or peaches. Check out a museum. Last week we hit up the world ski championships. I didn't ski, but I was outside and socializing.

There is some middle ground between watching TV all day and physical exercise outside.

SP29 · December 2015

lyndausvi said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

climbingwife said:

scribe95 said:

Honestly the more you say the more frustrated you sound. Some of it I get but some seems like you are being pretty picky.

Now you say he does take her to the pool or for a snack and a movie but that those activities aren't somehow good enough. It sounds like you want him to be out running and playing catch etc - something physical - because that is important to you. But he doesn't seem like a physically active person. I get that. I'm not either. It's not my thing. I am not coordinated.

The bolded - if that is true, you've got bigger problems than you may realize. My ex-husband was very much like that. Lazy, played video games, didn't like doing active things, didn't like to eat healthy. And unfortunately I thought I could change him. And when I realized I couldn't change him, I thought I could just deal with the fact that we liked to do different things. Needless to say, it didn't work out.

You can never change a person. If that person lays around and watches TV all day, expect that they will continue to do that. I'm not saying that people NEVER change, but you can't go into a marriage thinking you can change a person. And OP, I'm not saying that this is necessarily the case with you, but it's something I feel the need to point out, because I have been there.

I agree with this post almost 100%- the only thing I disagree with is the term "lazy" just because a person doesn't care to do "active things."

I'll be perfectly honest, if I had a choice between reading a book, watching a movie, working on one of my hobbies, playing a video game or going out for a run, playing tennis, or going for a hike. . . yeah I'm not going running or playing tennis, but I would might go for a hike if it's not too hot, lol.

Outdoorsy stuff is just not a preference for a lot of people, but I wouldn't consider them lazy for preferring to do other things. Lazy to me is when you consistently opt not to do typical household chores or keep up with house maintenance, choose not to work or have no work ethic at your job, etc.

I'm lazy when it comes to putting my cloths away after washing them- I'm the worst!!

I think it's lazy when TV becomes the only form of entertainment. You only have your daughter every other weekend and all you do is watch TV? Separate rooms it seems like is a little lazy too me.

However, i agree with you on the other points. I hate running, can't stand tennis. I like a good book or movie. I can spend all day Sunday watching football with no issue. I also like to go to the community festivals. Go pick out a pumpkin in a patch, pick apples or peaches. Check out a museum. Last week we hit up the world ski championships. I didn't ski, but I was outside and socializing.

There is some middle ground between watching TV all day and physical exercise outside.

Yeah, what got me was when the OP said she tries to introduce activities such as a puzzle, craft or board game and FI doesn't really want anything to do with it. Even "creative play". I watched a fair amount of TV as a kid. I didn't have one in my room until I was 10 (as an adult I do not, and will not, have a TV in my room). TV was never off limits to us, and my parents watch a fair bit too, but I would also read, spend hours playing with my Barbies, board games, house with dolls, etc. All of that without leaving the house.

I do agree lazy is not the right word, but I do think it is a point of caution if the OP and her FI have such different views on lifestyle and parenting. If/when OP and her FI have children of their own- how is that going to work?

MyNameIsNot · December 2015

Heffalump said:

emmaaa said:

I don't have any step-children or children of my own (yet) but I my main concern is in lines with a few PPs when it comes to having your own children one day. Yes, when y'all have a child together you'll feel like you have more input and final say because you are that child's biological parent but what if your FI wants to continue to parent this way? It is obviously a different style of parenting than you have in mind.

Also, your FSD will obviously be around any future children. Will you change your parenting styles when FSD is at your house but continue throughout the rest of the week the way you have FI have decide to raise and parent your (future) child?

I think y'all just need to have a serious conversation on how this can effect your marriage and future children. Also, talk about how your intend to rise your future children. Obviously parenting styles change when you ACTUALLY have children, but I feel like y'all need ot be on the same page from the start.

That is an excellent point that I forgot to mention. Honestly, our 2 y.o. gets/does things that his older sister didn't at his age. It's hard to say "She can have pink lemonade but you [youngest] can only have water or milk; she can play Sago Mini on the iPad but you're not allowed to watch or have a turn."

When DD was the only kid, it was easy to enforce things. But with younger kids, they emulate their older siblings, for better or for worse. You can say "Brooke can [have a TV in her room, eat chicken nuggets, whatever] but you can't," but it's pretty much impossible for very young kids to understand why. Even once they can understand, it can foster a lot of sibling jealousy and resentment.

Or on the flip, if you are successful in getting your FI to be a more active parent with your own children, what is Brooke supposed to think when she sees her dad taking her little step-siblings out for ride bikes, when he just gave her excuses?

I agree that your FI sounds like a lazy parent. No amount of discussion and compromise is going to change that unless he wants to change it. I would be very weary of bringing a child into a relationship with someone you know will be a lazy parent.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2015

lyndausvi said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

climbingwife said:

scribe95 said:

Honestly the more you say the more frustrated you sound. Some of it I get but some seems like you are being pretty picky.

Now you say he does take her to the pool or for a snack and a movie but that those activities aren't somehow good enough. It sounds like you want him to be out running and playing catch etc - something physical - because that is important to you. But he doesn't seem like a physically active person. I get that. I'm not either. It's not my thing. I am not coordinated.

The bolded - if that is true, you've got bigger problems than you may realize. My ex-husband was very much like that. Lazy, played video games, didn't like doing active things, didn't like to eat healthy. And unfortunately I thought I could change him. And when I realized I couldn't change him, I thought I could just deal with the fact that we liked to do different things. Needless to say, it didn't work out.

You can never change a person. If that person lays around and watches TV all day, expect that they will continue to do that. I'm not saying that people NEVER change, but you can't go into a marriage thinking you can change a person. And OP, I'm not saying that this is necessarily the case with you, but it's something I feel the need to point out, because I have been there.

I agree with this post almost 100%- the only thing I disagree with is the term "lazy" just because a person doesn't care to do "active things."

I'll be perfectly honest, if I had a choice between reading a book, watching a movie, working on one of my hobbies, playing a video game or going out for a run, playing tennis, or going for a hike. . . yeah I'm not going running or playing tennis, but I would might go for a hike if it's not too hot, lol.

Outdoorsy stuff is just not a preference for a lot of people, but I wouldn't consider them lazy for preferring to do other things. Lazy to me is when you consistently opt not to do typical household chores or keep up with house maintenance, choose not to work or have no work ethic at your job, etc.

I'm lazy when it comes to putting my cloths away after washing them- I'm the worst!!

I think it's lazy when TV becomes the only form of entertainment. You only have your daughter every other weekend and all you do is watch TV? Separate rooms it seems like is a little lazy too me.

However, i agree with you on the other points. I hate running, can't stand tennis. I like a good book or movie. I can spend all day Sunday watching football with no issue. I also like to go to the community festivals. Go pick out a pumpkin in a patch, pick apples or peaches. Check out a museum. Last week we hit up the world ski championships. I didn't ski, but I was outside and socializing.

There is some middle ground between watching TV all day and physical exercise outside.

But he doesn't just watch TV. . . OP admitted in another post that her FI does do activities with his daughter. They just aren't activities the OP seems to approve of.

lyndausvi · December 2015

SP29 said:

lyndausvi said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

climbingwife said:

scribe95 said:

Honestly the more you say the more frustrated you sound. Some of it I get but some seems like you are being pretty picky.

Now you say he does take her to the pool or for a snack and a movie but that those activities aren't somehow good enough. It sounds like you want him to be out running and playing catch etc - something physical - because that is important to you. But he doesn't seem like a physically active person. I get that. I'm not either. It's not my thing. I am not coordinated.

The bolded - if that is true, you've got bigger problems than you may realize. My ex-husband was very much like that. Lazy, played video games, didn't like doing active things, didn't like to eat healthy. And unfortunately I thought I could change him. And when I realized I couldn't change him, I thought I could just deal with the fact that we liked to do different things. Needless to say, it didn't work out.

You can never change a person. If that person lays around and watches TV all day, expect that they will continue to do that. I'm not saying that people NEVER change, but you can't go into a marriage thinking you can change a person. And OP, I'm not saying that this is necessarily the case with you, but it's something I feel the need to point out, because I have been there.

I agree with this post almost 100%- the only thing I disagree with is the term "lazy" just because a person doesn't care to do "active things."

I'll be perfectly honest, if I had a choice between reading a book, watching a movie, working on one of my hobbies, playing a video game or going out for a run, playing tennis, or going for a hike. . . yeah I'm not going running or playing tennis, but I would might go for a hike if it's not too hot, lol.

Outdoorsy stuff is just not a preference for a lot of people, but I wouldn't consider them lazy for preferring to do other things. Lazy to me is when you consistently opt not to do typical household chores or keep up with house maintenance, choose not to work or have no work ethic at your job, etc.

I'm lazy when it comes to putting my cloths away after washing them- I'm the worst!!

I think it's lazy when TV becomes the only form of entertainment. You only have your daughter every other weekend and all you do is watch TV? Separate rooms it seems like is a little lazy too me.

However, i agree with you on the other points. I hate running, can't stand tennis. I like a good book or movie. I can spend all day Sunday watching football with no issue. I also like to go to the community festivals. Go pick out a pumpkin in a patch, pick apples or peaches. Check out a museum. Last week we hit up the world ski championships. I didn't ski, but I was outside and socializing.

There is some middle ground between watching TV all day and physical exercise outside.

Yeah, what got me was when the OP said she tries to introduce activities such as a puzzle, craft or board game and FI doesn't really want anything to do with it. Even "creative play". I watched a fair amount of TV as a kid. I didn't have one in my room until I was 10 (as an adult I do not, and will not, have a TV in my room). TV was never off limits to us, and my parents watch a fair bit too, but I would also read, spend hours playing with my Barbies, board games, house with dolls, etc. All of that without leaving the house.

I do agree lazy is not the right word, but I do think it is a point of caution if the OP and her FI have such different views on lifestyle and parenting. If/when OP and her FI have children of their own- how is that going to work?

I was the oldest of 4, so built in playmates. We put on plays, built forts out of leaves, play house, played games (sorry, connect four, Yahtzee, puzzles, whatever.)

If there are no other kids around, sorry but the parent needs to step it up a bit. If you are always throwing a kid in front of an ipad or TV just so you do not have to entertain them yourself is a little lazy IMO. Sometimes is not a big deal , I'm talking about all the time.

Sorrynotsorry.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2015

SP29 said:

lyndausvi said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

climbingwife said:

scribe95 said:

Honestly the more you say the more frustrated you sound. Some of it I get but some seems like you are being pretty picky.

Now you say he does take her to the pool or for a snack and a movie but that those activities aren't somehow good enough. It sounds like you want him to be out running and playing catch etc - something physical - because that is important to you. But he doesn't seem like a physically active person. I get that. I'm not either. It's not my thing. I am not coordinated.

The bolded - if that is true, you've got bigger problems than you may realize. My ex-husband was very much like that. Lazy, played video games, didn't like doing active things, didn't like to eat healthy. And unfortunately I thought I could change him. And when I realized I couldn't change him, I thought I could just deal with the fact that we liked to do different things. Needless to say, it didn't work out.

You can never change a person. If that person lays around and watches TV all day, expect that they will continue to do that. I'm not saying that people NEVER change, but you can't go into a marriage thinking you can change a person. And OP, I'm not saying that this is necessarily the case with you, but it's something I feel the need to point out, because I have been there.

I agree with this post almost 100%- the only thing I disagree with is the term "lazy" just because a person doesn't care to do "active things."

I'll be perfectly honest, if I had a choice between reading a book, watching a movie, working on one of my hobbies, playing a video game or going out for a run, playing tennis, or going for a hike. . . yeah I'm not going running or playing tennis, but I would might go for a hike if it's not too hot, lol.

Outdoorsy stuff is just not a preference for a lot of people, but I wouldn't consider them lazy for preferring to do other things. Lazy to me is when you consistently opt not to do typical household chores or keep up with house maintenance, choose not to work or have no work ethic at your job, etc.

I'm lazy when it comes to putting my cloths away after washing them- I'm the worst!!

I think it's lazy when TV becomes the only form of entertainment. You only have your daughter every other weekend and all you do is watch TV? Separate rooms it seems like is a little lazy too me.

However, i agree with you on the other points. I hate running, can't stand tennis. I like a good book or movie. I can spend all day Sunday watching football with no issue. I also like to go to the community festivals. Go pick out a pumpkin in a patch, pick apples or peaches. Check out a museum. Last week we hit up the world ski championships. I didn't ski, but I was outside and socializing.

There is some middle ground between watching TV all day and physical exercise outside.

Yeah, what got me was when the OP said she tries to introduce activities such as a puzzle, craft or board game and FI doesn't really want anything to do with it. Even "creative play". I watched a fair amount of TV as a kid. I didn't have one in my room until I was 10 (as an adult I do not, and will not, have a TV in my room). TV was never off limits to us, and my parents watch a fair bit too, but I would also read, spend hours playing with my Barbies, board games, house with dolls, etc. All of that without leaving the house.

I do agree lazy is not the right word, but I do think it is a point of caution if the OP and her FI have such different views on lifestyle and parenting. If/when OP and her FI have children of their own- how is that going to work?

Her FI doesn't care to do those things with his daughter or he won't even suggest that his daughter do those things on her own?

To the former, not every person likes to do those things with kids. . . and that includes their own parents. I don't think that's necessarily wrong. As long as he's doing other things with his daughter it should be fine, right?

To the latter, I don't know what to make of that situation because as a child TV was never off limits per se either, but I wasn't really all that into it and I didn't need to be prodded by a parent to play with my toys, color and draw, read books, etc.

climbingsingle · December 2015

I used the word "lazy" to describe my ex-husband because he was. Everyone has their own level of activeness. I don't consider reading a book lazy - that's something I do often.

But ultimately, in my experience, if being active is important to you, you need a partner to match that.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2015

climbingwife said:

I used the word "lazy" to describe my ex-husband because he was. Everyone has their own level of activeness. I don't consider reading a book lazy - that's something I do often.

But ultimately, in my experience, if being active is important to you, you need a partner to match that.

Right, you need a climbinghubby to match your climbingwife ;-)

climbingsingle · December 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

climbingwife said:

I used the word "lazy" to describe my ex-husband because he was. Everyone has their own level of activeness. I don't consider reading a book lazy - that's something I do often.

But ultimately, in my experience, if being active is important to you, you need a partner to match that.

Right, you need a climbinghubby to match your climbingwife ;-)

Exactly :-)

MrsMack10612 · December 2015

Heffalump said:

I don't have advice specific to step-parenting, but I do have 6+ years' worth of parenting experience, so:

Jax43615 said:

I think Brooke watches too much TV/movies. He doesn't see an issue with it because that is how he spends his time when he's not working. It is common for her to ONLY watch TV/movies when we have her. She has a TV in her room, which I think is totally unnecessary (she's 5!!) and he puts a movie on for her every night in her room for her to fall asleep to. He also watches TV in our bedroom to fall asleep to, so he does not see an issue with Brooke doing the same. The TV is constantly on in our apt and she is constantly distracted by it and it can be an issue during meal times and when we are trying to get ready to go out. I do turn off the TV when I believe it is becoming too much of a distraction. My compromise with the TV at night is that I put the timer on so that it will turn off after whatever amount of time I set it to.

FWIW, I'm not a huge fan of screen time for kids. My 6 y.o. gets 10 min. on weekdays (which usually stretches to 15) and 20 on the weekends. I don't see TV as evil or anything, but I do see how it fills time that could be spent more productively. My kids are pretty active: my 6 y.o. swims, rides horses, plays soccer, and just generally runs around with kids in our neighborhood; my 2 y.o. loves being outside and we joke that he'd be happier if we let him live in a tent in the yard. I feel like when TV is the default, a lot of those things don't happen. And they're important things for DH and me, so we promote them.

That said, I know kids who get WAY more screen time than she does, and they don't seem intellectually or emotionally stunted or anything. It's not a choice I would make, but since becoming a parent, I've learned to give other parents a lot of leeway before I start judging. So for me, this would fall into the category of "not my preference, but a far cry from neglect/abuse." (Also FWIW, our pediatrician is huge on kids not having a TV in their bedroom.)

Now for food. He provides the classic kids food for her: mac n cheese, pizza, chicken nuggets, spaghettios, pop, etc... I provide for her fruits, veggies, sandwiches, yogurt, etc... Brooke is a very good eater and enjoys a wide variety of food; she is hardly picky. We have a compromise where if I DO purchase the classic kids food for her I get the brands that feature better quality/organic ingredients. FI doesn't care about that kind of stuff, which I don't understand. It bothers me that he doesn't take more interest in her nutrition and thinks it's ok to provide her those classic kids foods all the time.

Organic processed food (pizza, mac and chese, etc.) isn't demonstrably better for you than conventional. So I wouldn't make organic mac and cheese my hill to die on--and I generally buy organic (mostly produce, meat, and dairy, since we don't eat much processed food) for several reasons (health, animal welfare, the environment, supporting organic farmers, etc.). Honestly, the best thing you can do is make sure she has lots of healthy options: a variety of whole grains, fruits and vegetables, lean protein. She sounds like a good eater, so this should be pretty easy.

Those are the main 2 things that really irk me about how he raises his daughter. We both understand that FI has more authority than I do in how he raises her; however, he does value my opinion and occasionally takes it into consideration. I have come a long way in not getting all worked up when FI gives Brooke food lacking any kind of nutrition or when he allows her to watch TV all day. It does still bother me, but I am getting better at accepting that these are his choices and the most I can do is suggest to Brooke that she/we do something else or offer her better choices when I am the one providing her meals/snacks.

If he values your opinion, but to the limited extent that he only "occasionally takes it into consideration," then I think you need to be content with saying your piece and, as the step-parent, shutting up. He'll take the advice or not, but you can't make him see things your way. If you've shared your thoughts and he's blown them off, there's not much else for you to do.

I am just wondering if anyone else has had this experience with your significant other's/your children. How do you handle the differing opinions? I know comprise is the answer, but I know FI does not hold up his end of the two compromises mentioned above; he does not buy the better quality versions of kid's food and he does not bother putting the timer on the TV at night; which I suppose doesn't really make it a compromise, does it?

We have discussed these issues, but he tends to get defensive and irritated. I know that when we have children together these will be issues that we will HAVE to work out and compromise together on. I do want to talk to him more about these things and I plan on doing so. I am not going to wait until we have kids to address these things either.

Whether you're step-parenting or not, no one is going to agree on things all the time. So I'm less concerned about the disagreements, and more concerned that they're not being resolved to your satisfaction: you come up with a compromise, he ignores it. You already see what kind of a father he is--I would be very surprised if it were any different with any kids the two of you have together, unless you do 100% of the work. (Which I don't recommend--with two young kids, H and I are often exhausted working in tandem, and then we look at his sister, who is a single mom to a 3 y.o. and 1 y.o. and literally can't imagine how she does it.)

Frankly, I'm going to agree with the other posters who say that he sounds lazy. It's not like Brooke doesn't want to ride her bike or won't eat anything but chicken nuggets, she's willing and able and he's just too lazy to do it. That would be a dealbreaker for me. If you're cool with that (which I don't think you are, considering that you posted this), then that's one thing; if you're not, I would really rethink whether you want to fight this battle every day for the next two decades of your life.

I've found this an interesting discussion, but as I have no children, don't plan to have any, I don't have anything to add.

However, @Heffalump I have a question. I can totally understand limiting TV time but I'm curious about your timeframes - 10 (or 15) min on weekdays and 20 on weekends. That amount of time doesn't even give the ability to see a TV show from start to finish if you consider most shows are 30-60 minutes long. Can I ask how you came up with those times?

MairePoppy · December 2015

scribe95 said:

Honestly the more you say the more frustrated you sound. Some of it I get but some seems like you are being pretty picky.

Now you say he does take her to the pool or for a snack and a movie but that those activities aren't somehow good enough. It sounds like you want him to be out running and playing catch etc - something physical - because that is important to you. But he doesn't seem like a physically active person. I get that. I'm not either. It's not my thing. I am not coordinated.

Oops! I want to clarify, by lazy I wasn't referring only to excercise or physical activities. I also mean mentally lazy. Playing board games, drawing pictures, reading to his daughter are as important as riding bikes.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 · December 2015

I did not realize I was coming off as so judgmental; but you guys are right. That is exactly what I am doing, and it's not right.

As far as the food thing, I am in the process of letting it go. It's something I realized I needed to do a while ago, but I can't lie and say that it doesn't irk me sometimes when I see her only eating one processed food. Does it get to me all the time? No. But sometimes? Yes. Was it annoying me when I made this post? Yes. I realize I cannot control what other people feed her. I realize she is a great eater.

I also know I can't change him. I understand that that never works. That is not my goal in talking with him or when I bring up my opinions. I just want him to know my thoughts on these things and work out a compromise that suits both of our parenting styles.

@scribe95 I never thought that maybe I didn't think what he does with her isn't good enough. I know that REALLY what he does IS good enough. He shows her love and affection, they cuddle all the time on the couch/in bed when they watch TV together, and she of course loves eating desserts and going to the movies. I shouldn't view these activities as "not good enough" when they make Brooke happy - THAT is what makes them good enough.

@MyNameIsNotI don't see a situation is where our theoretical child will ask FH to go on a bike ride when Brooke is with us and he does not take Brooke. Of course she would go with (unless she didn't want to).

@lyndausvi I agree with you that the parent needs to step it up a bit when there aren't other children around or a yard to play in. We both wish that she had those opportunities when she is with us, but she just doesn't. FI says that that is one reason why he doesn't see the TV thing a big deal, because there isn't anything else to do.

@prettygirllost you are right that as long as he is doing something with her, then it's ok. The rational part of my brain knows this. I need to reign in the emotional part sometimes and take a few steps back.

After some thinking, I think that because I have had such limited time lately to do the more engaging activities with her, I wish he would pick up my slack a little in that department. I have learned that I cannot expect that most of the time; but what I can do is make sure that I take advantage of my free time when we have her and do some other things with her.

Heffalump · December 2015

MrsMack10612 said:

I've found this an interesting discussion, but as I have no children, don't plan to have any, I don't have anything to add.

However, @Heffalump I have a question. I can totally understand limiting TV time but I'm curious about your timeframes - 10 (or 15) min on weekdays and 20 on weekends. That amount of time doesn't even give the ability to see a TV show from start to finish if you consider most shows are 30-60 minutes long. Can I ask how you came up with those times?

Sure. The 10-15-20 minute limits are for total screen time. TBH, she rarely watches anything on TV, she'll either play an app or stream something on the iPad. And those kinds of things tend to work fine with a 10/15/20 minute slot. (For example, for reasons I can't even begin to understand, she is currently into Zig and Sharko on Netflix, and those are pretty short.) For something longer, like a movie, she can stop when her time is up, and then pick up right where she left off the next day.

The reason that I said that 10 minutes often stretches into 15 is because more often than not, if her time is up and she asks if she can just finish this round of the Monster High game with all the jewels, or finish her Lego Friends drawing, or finish out the Zig and Sharko episode, I'll say okay. So she usually has time to wrap up whatever she's doing.

I don't think there is anything magical about those particular figures, but they've been working well for us. For one, IDK why, but if DD watches too much video, she gets cranky. For two, DH and I work full time, so I pick the kids up around 5:00, we're usually home before 5:30, and lights out is 7:45 for her. With homework, dinner, doing non-iPad stuff for fun, and getting ready for bed, that doesn't leave a ton of time for apps/videos.

MyNameIsNot · December 2015

Jax43615 said:

@MyNameIsNotI don't see a situation is where our theoretical child will ask FH to go on a bike ride when Brooke is with us and he does not take Brooke. Of course she would go with (unless she didn't want to).

That's not what I'm saying. Of course she'd be invited.

You said you aren't married yet and mentioned you wouldn't be having kids right away, so your kids would probably be something like 8-10 years younger than Brooke, right? So their interests and age appropriateness are going to be different.

She'll be 14, watching her dad take your kids for a bike ride. Sure, she's invited. But she wasn't invited when she was 5. She's going to notice and wonder why her dad is doing things with her little half-siblings that he didn't do with her when she was little.

I'm not saying everything could or should be perfectly equal, but I am saying that it's unfair to Brooke if her dad is suddenly more engaged and active with his second set of kids. (I don't mean physically active. I mean doing something other than plunking her down in front of the tv for hours on end.)

Heffalump · December 2015

MyNameIsNot said:

Jax43615 said:

@MyNameIsNotI don't see a situation is where our theoretical child will ask FH to go on a bike ride when Brooke is with us and he does not take Brooke. Of course she would go with (unless she didn't want to).

That's not what I'm saying. Of course she'd be invited.

You said you aren't married yet and mentioned you wouldn't be having kids right away, so your kids would probably be something like 8-10 years younger than Brooke, right? So their interests and age appropriateness are going to be different.

She'll be 14, watching her dad take your kids for a bike ride. Sure, she's invited. But she wasn't invited when she was 5. She's going to notice and wonder why her dad is doing things with her little half-siblings that he didn't do with her when she was little.

I'm not saying everything could or should be perfectly equal, but I am saying that it's unfair to Brooke if her dad is suddenly more engaged and active with his second set of kids. (I don't mean physically active. I mean doing something other than plunking her down in front of the tv for hours on end.)

This was the exact situation with DH and his younger (half-)siblings, and in his case, he definitely noticed.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 · December 2015

He doesn't say no all the time. In that instance I mentioned in my post, I just didn't see the point in him saying no when the weather would've been perfectly suitable and it was the first non-TV thing she asked to do all weekend. She's asked to ride her bike when it's raining or when it's dark - of course, the answer is no in those situations.

I'm not really sure what to say in response to your explanation. I suppose it could seem unfair to Brooke, but if she ever feels uncomfortable or something then that is something he will have to talk to her about. I guess I don't really think it'd be fair either way if he took a more engaging parenting approach with our kids or not. One way (the engaged parent way) would be technically unfair to Brooke. If he continues the way he is with Brooke with our kids, then it would be unfair to our kids (if he were up for being more engaging).

That is something I will have to think about though.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2015

Heffalump said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Jax43615 said:

@MyNameIsNotI don't see a situation is where our theoretical child will ask FH to go on a bike ride when Brooke is with us and he does not take Brooke. Of course she would go with (unless she didn't want to).

That's not what I'm saying. Of course she'd be invited.

You said you aren't married yet and mentioned you wouldn't be having kids right away, so your kids would probably be something like 8-10 years younger than Brooke, right? So their interests and age appropriateness are going to be different.

She'll be 14, watching her dad take your kids for a bike ride. Sure, she's invited. But she wasn't invited when she was 5. She's going to notice and wonder why her dad is doing things with her little half-siblings that he didn't do with her when she was little.

I'm not saying everything could or should be perfectly equal, but I am saying that it's unfair to Brooke if her dad is suddenly more engaged and active with his second set of kids. (I don't mean physically active. I mean doing something other than plunking her down in front of the tv for hours on end.)

This was the exact situation with DH and his younger (half-)siblings, and in his case, he definitely noticed.

Yeah but it's unlikely her FI is going to change his parenting style/behavior with a 2nd child just because it's his child with the OP. If he's not doing those things with his own daughter now. . . .

MrsMack10612 · December 2015

@Heffalump - thank you. I guess I was thinking strictly TV time and not taking iPad/phone/computer use into account.

I'm not sure I could handle watching a movie in 10 minute intervals.

lyndausvi · December 2015

I'm only 5 years older than my brothers. When I was in HS, I had to clean the house and mow the lawn. Fast forward to when my brothers were in HS. They were now living in a penthouse in Tokyo with a maid 5 days a week.

Sure I noticed they did thing different with us than my brothers, but that's life. My dad was offered a great position. Made a lot more money. Had a lot more vacation time to take my brothers places in those short 5 years. I was now an adult and lived that way.

My mom is 14 years younger than her older sister (full sister). Mom was treated differently because my grandparent's lives were different. My mom was 6 when she became an aunt for the first time. They had to incorporate new traditions with the extended family. Grandpa worked a light less and was able to spend time with my mom that he couldn't with the older ones. Again, it's just life.

Brooke and her possible siblings are going to be more than 6 years apart. Things change. Jobs change, fiances change, unless you are very close in age siblings are going to experience different things in their childhood. Again, it's just life.

STARMOON44 · December 2015

It sounds like you're really invested at excusing away behavior you don't like. You should think about that.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2015

MrsMack10612 said:

@Heffalump - thank you. I guess I was thinking strictly TV time and not taking iPad/phone/computer use into account.

I'm not sure I could handle watching a movie in 10 minute intervals.

Bleh, not me!

TNDancer · December 2015

MrsMack10612 said:

I'm not sure I could handle watching a movie in 10 minute intervals.

Me neither. My H has no problem with this though. It took us 3 days to watch Godfather. No wonder I hated that movie.

madamerwin · December 2015

lyndausvi said:

I'm only 5 years older than my brothers. When I was in HS, I had to clean the house and mow the lawn. Fast forward to when my brothers were in HS. They were now living in a penthouse in Tokyo with a maid 5 days a week.

Sure I noticed they did thing different with us than my brothers, but that's life. My dad was offered a great position. Made a lot more money. Had a lot more vacation time to take my brothers places in those short 5 years. I was now an adult and lived that way.

My mom is 14 years younger than her older sister (full sister). Mom was treated differently because my grandparent's lives were different. My mom was 6 when she became an aunt for the first time. They had to incorporate new traditions with the extended family. Grandpa worked a light less and was able to spend time with my mom that he couldn't with the older ones. Again, it's just life.

Brooke and her possible siblings are going to be more than 6 years apart. Things change. Jobs change, fiances change, unless you are very close in age siblings are going to experience different things in their childhood. Again, it's just life.

I have three older sisters, with a ten year gap between me and the oldest and a four year gap between me and the one who came before me. My parents were WAY less strict with me than with my sisters - granted they divorced when I was relatively young and I lived with my mom more than my dad, and my mom was generally less strict anyway. Did it irk my sisters that I was allowed to stay up later than they ever did? Or that I had a later curfew and fewer repercussions for my screw-ups? Sure, but we were effectively raised by different sets of parents and in different circumstances.

I think as long as parents are not intentionally treating their children differently, then it just is what it is and it will never be perfectly fair, especially if there is a large age gap. That said, my sisters were not permanently scarred by the differences in how we were raised, and we are all close as adults.

themosthappy91 · December 2015

Jax43615 said:

@themosthappy91 I'm not sure if I agree with me having a say in how he spends his free time just because I'm his FI. If he tried telling me I read too much or had too many projects going on I'd be like "wtf?" If he were doing something illegal/dangerous, then I totally understand. I do like how you say that he doesn't get to be an independent operator (and neither do I!). That is a really good way of putting that and it is a part of being in a committed relationship.

I guess I just find this attitude odd. Of course everyone should have some time to themselves to do whatever the please with, but if all my free time were spent doing one thing and my husband said to me "I want you to spend less time on week nights playing the Sims [my personal obsession, lol] and let's come up with stuff to do together instead" I would not be at all perturbed.

You said all he does in his free time is watch TV. You said you don't like how much TV he watches, which implies you wish he'd spend more of his time doing other things, presumably with you. That is in no way, shape or form an unreasonable demand.

I guess from your description I just feel like y'all are leading unusually separate lives for two people planning to get married.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 · December 2015

themosthappy91 said:

Jax43615 said:

@themosthappy91 I'm not sure if I agree with me having a say in how he spends his free time just because I'm his FI. If he tried telling me I read too much or had too many projects going on I'd be like "wtf?" If he were doing something illegal/dangerous, then I totally understand. I do like how you say that he doesn't get to be an independent operator (and neither do I!). That is a really good way of putting that and it is a part of being in a committed relationship.

I guess I just find this attitude odd. Of course everyone should have some time to themselves to do whatever the please with, but if all my free time were spent doing one thing and my husband said to me "I want you to spend less time on week nights playing the Sims [my personal obsession, lol] and let's come up with stuff to do together instead" I would not be at all perturbed.

You said all he does in his free time is watch TV. You said you don't like how much TV he watches, which implies you wish he'd spend more of his time doing other things, presumably with you. That is in no way, shape or form an unreasonable demand.

I guess from your description I just feel like y'all are leading unusually separate lives for two people planning to get married.

SIB

I get what you are saying now. I didn't quite understand what you meant when you first mentioned this; and you're totally right. We've had this discussion before, and he was very receptive to it and we both made the effort to do different things when our schedules/finances/energy levels allowed for it. We both let that effort wane over time though and we ended up back where we started (pretty much only watching TV together). But, that is something that we both work on when I bring it up; we both just have to be more consistent with the effort. It can be hard to have time to do much of anything together when he works 2nd shift 4x/week and I am at school 5x/week as well as work 5-6x/week. The days he works we literally don't see each other. I'm asleep by the time he gets home and I'm up and going to school before he wakes up and then he's gone to work by the time I get home from either school or work. So, sometimes our lives do seem pretty separate, though this will change with my last semester coming up this spring.

lc07 · December 2015

What strikes me most about your post, Jax, is that it doesn't sound like you feel like you have a true partner in life. For me, that's a dealbreaker. I was married and divorced. I foolishly thought that my ex and I loved each other so much that we could just love each other through whatever came up. And that our problems were because we were so busy, xyz job was shitty so he needed to do abc when he got home instead of what I needed, etc. And then I slowly figured out that there was always going to be an excuse for everything. I didn't have a true partner in life. I made red flags magenta. I told myself I needed to give him some slack all the time. It only go worse and worse.

I am dating someone now who totally blows my mind in a good way.

The things you are mentioning about your H would be a problem for me, too. I don't care how strangers eat or how they spend their time but I need a partner who is on the same page as I am in regard to nutrition and general lifestyle. It doesn't mean your FI is a bad person because he's not on the same page as you, but it might mean he isn't the right fit for you in a life partner. You probably don't want to hear that. And I would have explained things away if someone had suggested this to me before I got married. You have to live your life and make your own decisions / mistakes. But I caution you to really think hard about this relationship and if it is the right fit for you.

MyNameIsNot · December 2015

madamerwin said:

lyndausvi said:

I'm only 5 years older than my brothers. When I was in HS, I had to clean the house and mow the lawn. Fast forward to when my brothers were in HS. They were now living in a penthouse in Tokyo with a maid 5 days a week.

Sure I noticed they did thing different with us than my brothers, but that's life. My dad was offered a great position. Made a lot more money. Had a lot more vacation time to take my brothers places in those short 5 years. I was now an adult and lived that way.

My mom is 14 years younger than her older sister (full sister). Mom was treated differently because my grandparent's lives were different. My mom was 6 when she became an aunt for the first time. They had to incorporate new traditions with the extended family. Grandpa worked a light less and was able to spend time with my mom that he couldn't with the older ones. Again, it's just life.

Brooke and her possible siblings are going to be more than 6 years apart. Things change. Jobs change, fiances change, unless you are very close in age siblings are going to experience different things in their childhood. Again, it's just life.

I have three older sisters, with a ten year gap between me and the oldest and a four year gap between me and the one who came before me. My parents were WAY less strict with me than with my sisters - granted they divorced when I was relatively young and I lived with my mom more than my dad, and my mom was generally less strict anyway. Did it irk my sisters that I was allowed to stay up later than they ever did? Or that I had a later curfew and fewer repercussions for my screw-ups? Sure, but we were effectively raised by different sets of parents and in different circumstances.

I think as long as parents are not intentionally treating their children differently, then it just is what it is and it will never be perfectly fair, especially if there is a large age gap. That said, my sisters were not permanently scarred by the differences in how we were raised, and we are all close as adults.

But that's not what I'm talking about. Of course siblings are going to have different experiences based on outside factors. Pretty much any older sibling will tell you that they had stricter rules. Lots of siblings come up in different financial circumstances than their siblings. (My sister got to go to Europe in high school, but we were too poor for me to go to DC.) That's just life and part of growing up.

I'm talking about the difference in a parent engaging versus not. If dad is not that engaged with Brooke and just watches tv with her, but is active and more engaged with the younger siblings, it's something she'll notice. Kids get over money and luxury, but they remember how much time you spend actively engaging with them.

Like I said, life is never going to be fair or equal. But if OP's FI has any intention of changing the way he parents, he should start now.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2015

lc07 said:

What strikes me most about your post, Jax, is that it doesn't sound like you feel like you have a true partner in life. For me, that's a dealbreaker. I was married and divorced. I foolishly thought that my ex and I loved each other so much that we could just love each other through whatever came up. And that our problems were because we were so busy, xyz job was shitty so he needed to do abc when he got home instead of what I needed, etc. And then I slowly figured out that there was always going to be an excuse for everything. I didn't have a true partner in life. I made red flags magenta. I told myself I needed to give him some slack all the time. It only go worse and worse.

I am dating someone now who totally blows my mind in a good way.

The things you are mentioning about your H would be a problem for me, too. I don't care how strangers eat or how they spend their time but I need a partner who is on the same page as I am in regard to nutrition and general lifestyle. It doesn't mean your FI is a bad person because he's not on the same page as you, but it might mean he isn't the right fit for you in a life partner. You probably don't want to hear that. And I would have explained things away if someone had suggested this to me before I got married. You have to live your life and make your own decisions / mistakes. But I caution you to really think hard about this relationship and if it is the right fit for you.

I don't know, and I don't know what a couple's counselor would say, but I don't think this situation is so dire that OP and her FI are incompatible and she should break off the engagement. At least not based on the very limited info that OP has given here, which is only one side of the situation.

From my perspective, it seems a lot of the issues stem from the OP and her expectations of her FI. She seems to expect him to emulate her lifestyle, rather than accepting his lifestyle and behaviors as is. And just because they seem to differ on how they choose to eat, how much physical activities they participate in, how they parent, doesn't automatically mean they are totally incompatible. They could actually compliment each other, with a bit of work on each side.

I don't think you have to be 100% on the same page about every aspect of your life to be a good match with your SO. Often some type of opposites actually produce a healthy balance.

I think OP needs to talk about all the issues she brought up in this thread with her FI with the focus being on how they both want to raise any future kids they might have together. I agree they need to be on the same page there; Which will likely mean they both need to make compromises and combine their parenting styles. For instance, FI agrees to make sure the kids have fruit or veggies with their mac and cheese ( he can't guarantee they will actually eat them), and that mac and cheese, pizza, etc. will not comprise every.single.lunch, while at the same time OP agrees that occasional mac and cheese isn't really that big a deal. Also the kids need to be encouraged to spend less time watching TV and more time playing outside, playing board games, reading etc, whether or not FI is actively participating in those activities or just keeping an eye on the kids while he watches TV.

lc07 · December 2015

I agree with you that food and activites differing isn't so dire that she and her fiance are for sure incompatible. The fact that she has brought these things up with him and the communication hasn't gone so well is the biggest red flag to me. There will always be things that will take compromise in a relationship, but OP says that she and FI came up with a compromise and FI doesn't hold up his end of it. That he also gets defensive and irritated when she brings these things up. Or she gets defensive and they hit a dead end with it.

Jells2dot0 · December 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

Heffalump said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Jax43615 said:

@MyNameIsNotI don't see a situation is where our theoretical child will ask FH to go on a bike ride when Brooke is with us and he does not take Brooke. Of course she would go with (unless she didn't want to).

That's not what I'm saying. Of course she'd be invited.

You said you aren't married yet and mentioned you wouldn't be having kids right away, so your kids would probably be something like 8-10 years younger than Brooke, right? So their interests and age appropriateness are going to be different.

She'll be 14, watching her dad take your kids for a bike ride. Sure, she's invited. But she wasn't invited when she was 5. She's going to notice and wonder why her dad is doing things with her little half-siblings that he didn't do with her when she was little.

I'm not saying everything could or should be perfectly equal, but I am saying that it's unfair to Brooke if her dad is suddenly more engaged and active with his second set of kids. (I don't mean physically active. I mean doing something other than plunking her down in front of the tv for hours on end.)

This was the exact situation with DH and his younger (half-)siblings, and in his case, he definitely noticed.

Yeah but it's unlikely her FI is going to change his parenting style/behavior with a 2nd child just because it's his child with the OP. If he's not doing those things with his own daughter now. . . .

I can't bold. UGH.

But, I know with my H, if we were to have kids (which, we aren't), his parenting style would definitely be different. He did a lot of things a certain way with his kids because of his ex. He was way easier on them because he didn't want them to not come over on the very few days he was allowed to see them. He also didn't want the kids to be mad at him ever because he thought that they would run to mom. mom hates him and me so she would gladly break the custody agreement. One time, he did try to discipline his one daughter. She was failing almost every class. He took her phone away (he was paying for it). She ran to mom and got a new one. He desperately wanted the kids to like him after the divorce, so he allowed behaviors that I know he wouldn't allow if he lived with them. We got into many arguments over it. His kids were older when we met, so I really had no say. He now wishes he had given my ideas and opinions more thought.

Anyway, not sure if this is the case with Jax, but it could be a dynamic caused by the divorce/old relationship. But, Jax, you need to find that out and work it out NOW.

Fiance + his Daughter: differing thoughts on TV, food, etc... (long post)

Re: Fiance + his Daughter: differing thoughts on TV, food, etc... (long post)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards