Fiance + his Daughter: differing thoughts on TV, food, etc... (long post)

PrettyGirlLost · December 2015

lc07 said:

I agree with you that food and activites differing isn't so dire that she and her fiance are for sure incompatible. The fact that she has brought these things up with him and the communication hasn't gone so well is the biggest red flag to me. There will always be things that will take compromise in a relationship, but OP says that she and FI came up with a compromise and FI doesn't hold up his end of it. That he also gets defensive and irritated when she brings these things up. Or she gets defensive and they hit a dead end with it.

I'm still not really seeing red flags, based on the info OP has given us.

I'd get irritated too if my SO keep harping on me about something that I personally didn't feel was that big a deal. . . such as eating mac and cheese rather than organic mac and cheese with kale. I say this because OP admitted that she pushed her diet lifestyle choices on her FI too hard and he got irritated with her for it. It follows that she may be doing the same thing with these parenting issues as well.

KatWAG · December 2015

Where is Brooke's mom in all of this?

Since Brooke spends most of her time with her mom, if she is eating a well balanced diet, exercising, and not getting too much screen time, then I wouldn't be so worried.

artbyallie · December 2015

KatWAG said:

Where is Brooke's mom in all of this?
Since Brooke spends most of her time with her mom, if she is eating a well balanced diet, exercising, and not getting too much screen time, then I wouldn't be so worried.

I think OP mentioned that biomom feeds Brooke much the same way as her dad.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 · December 2015

I don't have the time to write a long response right now, but I will say that I have the tendency to nit-pick and typically think that my way is better. I catch myself doing this at work and I have to stop myself and rationalize in my head that really, whatever the issue is is not a big deal nor is it worth getting worked up over. I didn't realize I was doing this with FI's parenting/lifestyle until now.

I wasn't always like this either. I think as I became more attached to Brooke and more invested in my role in her life, I began to develop my opinions of how she should be raised, because I do have a say - to an extent. FI and I have had a conversation about all of this recently (it went well after we both let off some steam and really listened to what the other was saying) and he mentioned that this is really his first time co-parenting as well. Him and his ex stopped living together before Brooke was 1. So all this time, FI has always been the one to make the decisions when he had her and now that I am expressing my thoughts on parenting Brooke, he has to consider that too, which is something he is not used to.

Jells2dot0 · December 2015

Jax43615 said:

I don't have the time to write a long response right now, but I will say that I have the tendency to nit-pick and typically think that my way is better. I catch myself doing this at work and I have to stop myself and rationalize in my head that really, whatever the issue is is not a big deal nor is it worth getting worked up over. I didn't realize I was doing this with FI's parenting/lifestyle until now.

I wasn't always like this either. I think as I became more attached to Brooke and more invested in my role in her life, I began to develop my opinions of how she should be raised, because I do have a say - to an extent. FI and I have had a conversation about all of this recently (it went well after we both let off some steam and really listened to what the other was saying) and he mentioned that this is really his first time co-parenting as well. Him and his ex stopped living together before Brooke was 1. So all this time, FI has always been the one to make the decisions when he had her and now that I am expressing my thoughts on parenting Brooke, he has to consider that too, which is something he is not used to.

I had the same issues with the "co-parenting" thing with my H. He had been divorced for awhile when we met and had been used to dealing with his children on his own when he had them. He then moved in with me and had a hard time understanding that it was my house too, so I had a say in how things were done around the house. I never told the kids what to do, but I would remind him that the kids should pick up after themselves and respect me and my home. He took that as me trying to tell him how to raise his kids, and as a non-parent, how dare I tell him what to do! I saw it as me just wanting to have a small say in what happened in my own home. It took us awhile to work through those types of issues, but it was also a short term thing as his oldest was a teenager when we met. It wasn't until recently that he realized he should have handled things a bit differently as a whole and as I mentioned above, that I had some valid points as an outsider looking in.

themosthappy91 · December 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

lc07 said:

I agree with you that food and activites differing isn't so dire that she and her fiance are for sure incompatible. The fact that she has brought these things up with him and the communication hasn't gone so well is the biggest red flag to me. There will always be things that will take compromise in a relationship, but OP says that she and FI came up with a compromise and FI doesn't hold up his end of it. That he also gets defensive and irritated when she brings these things up. Or she gets defensive and they hit a dead end with it.

I'm still not really seeing red flags, based on the info OP has given us.

I'd get irritated too if my SO keep harping on me about something that I personally didn't feel was that big a deal. . . such as eating mac and cheese rather than organic mac and cheese with kale. I say this because OP admitted that she pushed her diet lifestyle choices on her FI too hard and he got irritated with her for it. It follows that she may be doing the same thing with these parenting issues as well.

I definitely see both of these sides but would tend to agree that nothing the OP has described is really a "red flag"- honestly to me it just sounds like they are two really different people. I think they could definitely make it work and be happy together, but I also think it's not unlikely they would be happier with people more like themselves in terms of their interests and values.

Also, based on this thread OP seems very willing to admit her flaws and when she needs to work on something about herself... I wonder if her FI has the ability to do that too. He sounds super set in his ways.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 · December 2015

@Jells2dot0 It's nice to hear that others have gone through this same thing! Thank you for your response!

Fiance + his Daughter: differing thoughts on TV, food, etc... (long post)

Re: Fiance + his Daughter: differing thoughts on TV, food, etc... (long post)

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