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Etiquette

Do I invite her..

Hi, so my FI's younger brother is freshly 18 (lets call him johnny) and is going to be the best man. He is in a relationship (lets call her betty) for maybe a year now and at first she was nice and i liked her. Fast forward to present, she has done some really questionable and rude things that make me side eye her all the time. She has basically openly said she does not like johnny's family and barely comes over and if she does she makes it a point to keep johnny away from all of the family. She is quite rude to all of us especially to my FI and my FMIL, yet my FMIL is very nice to her for the sake of johnny and keeping peace. I know etiquette says that everyone in the wedding party should have a +1 even more so if they have a SO. However, since she is so openly rude and we all know she doesn't like us, do i still have to invite her? I really do not want to but for johnny i feel like i have to. My FI doesn't want her there either. We are both worried that she will take johnny away from the party and family like she did at out engagement party (they went off twice and the first time we found them and asked them to please stay with the party and she said okay we will and 15 min later she was gone along with johnny. When FI found them he got mad at johnny and said "i asked you to stay, why did you leave?" Johnny then said betty said she didn't want to be here and she is uncomfortable around everyone so she made me leave). I know they are still practically kids but I don't know what to do! Any advice? thank you!


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Re: Do I invite her..

  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    He's 18 and BM of course you have to invite her. You have to invite all SO of all guests. You do not have to give everyone + 1s. (They are different).

    No one has to stay at any party longer than they want to. If they leave your reception early, who cares? You have other guests coming, right. You'll have other people to socialize with and probably won't even notice the GF.
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    auriannaSP29YogaSandyInLoveInQueens
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    Hi, so my FI's younger brother is freshly 18 (lets call him johnny) and is going to be the best man. He is in a relationship (lets call her betty) for maybe a year now and at first she was nice and i liked her. Fast forward to present, she has done some really questionable and rude things that make me side eye her all the time. She has basically openly said she does not like johnny's family and barely comes over and if she does she makes it a point to keep johnny away from all of the family. She is quite rude to all of us especially to my FI and my FMIL, yet my FMIL is very nice to her for the sake of johnny and keeping peace. I know etiquette says that everyone in the wedding party should have a +1 even more so if they have a SO. However, since she is so openly rude and we all know she doesn't like us, do i still have to invite her? I really do not want to but for johnny i feel like i have to. My FI doesn't want her there either. We are both worried that she will take johnny away from the party and family like she did at out engagement party (they went off twice and the first time we found them and asked them to please stay with the party and she said okay we will and 15 min later she was gone along with johnny. When FI found them he got mad at johnny and said "i asked you to stay, why did you leave?" Johnny then said betty said she didn't want to be here and she is uncomfortable around everyone so she made me leave). I know they are still practically kids but I don't know what to do! Any advice? thank you!


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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Assuming they are still together when the invites go out, yes you need to invite her.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If they are dating when you send out invitations, you invite her (address the invite to Johnny & Betty).

    It's also not a big deal if they disappear for a while at the party.
    InLoveInQueens
  • He's 18 and BM of course you have to invite her. You have to invite all SO of all guests. You do not have to give everyone + 1s. (They are different).

    No one has to stay at any party longer than they want to. If they leave your reception early, who cares? You have other guests coming, right. You'll have other people to socialize with and probably won't even notice the GF.
    Its not that they will leave entirely, the party is at my FI's parents house. My worry is that she will have it so he isn't engaged/present, if that makes sense? My FI and I really want his brother to be present and everything and when she is around he is not. I guess that is our main concern

  • Yes, you need to invite her. Also, why is it such a big deal that they wandered off during your engagement party? What a silly thing to be angry about. And keeping tabs on your guests like that seems really odd.
    Sorry i should clarify, it was the first time FI's family was meeting my family. And we were trying to introduce him to people and my FI wanted him present. But he was really no where to be found. It came off a bit rude to my family that he was not around for the majority of the party seeing as they were trying to get to know him

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2015
    Without question, yes, you invite her.

    Why did your family need to "get to know" your fiancé's teenage brother? Meeting him, shaking hands wasn't enough? 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    KnickerGoldPrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • He's 18 and BM of course you have to invite her. You have to invite all SO of all guests. You do not have to give everyone + 1s. (They are different).

    No one has to stay at any party longer than they want to. If they leave your reception early, who cares? You have other guests coming, right. You'll have other people to socialize with and probably won't even notice the GF.
    Its not that they will leave entirely, the party is at my FI's parents house. My worry is that she will have it so he isn't engaged/present, if that makes sense? My FI and I really want his brother to be present and everything and when she is around he is not. I guess that is our main concern
    Would she try to take him away from the ceremony or formal pics? That seems extreme.

    Otherwise, I wouldn't worry about it. I have plenty of friends who will probably wander off during the reception, because they're not fans of big crowds. I'm probably not going to even notice.
    YogaSandy
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2015



    He's 18 and BM of course you have to invite her. You have to invite all SO of all guests. You do not have to give everyone + 1s. (They are different).

    No one has to stay at any party longer than they want to. If they leave your reception early, who cares? You have other guests coming, right. You'll have other people to socialize with and probably won't even notice the GF.

    Its not that they will leave entirely, the party is at my FI's parents house. My worry is that she will have it so he isn't engaged/present, if that makes sense? My FI and I really want his brother to be present and everything and when she is around he is not. I guess that is our main concern



    ----------

    My brother wasn't really "present" at our wedding, and it was most likely due to him and his wife having marital issues (they separated a few months later). It wasn't ideal, but it was what it was.

    Bottom line ... she is his girlfriend and they are a social unit. Unless she poses a physical harm to you & your guests, there is no valid reason not to invite her.



    Yes, you need to invite her.

    Also, why is it such a big deal that they wandered off during your engagement party? What a silly thing to be angry about. And keeping tabs on your guests like that seems really odd.

    Sorry i should clarify, it was the first time FI's family was meeting my family. And we were trying to introduce him to people and my FI wanted him present. But he was really no where to be found. It came off a bit rude to my family that he was not around for the majority of the party seeing as they were trying to get to know him


    -----------

    Honestly, this just sounds like him being an immature 18 year old. Just let it go.
    kimmiinthemittenKnickerGoldBlue_Bird[Deleted User]
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    One of my bridesmaids left early from the reception because her stepkids were bored. No big deal. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    MesmrEwePrettyGirlLost
  • jacques27jacques27 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments 5 Answers
    edited December 2015
    Its not that they will leave entirely, the party is at my FI's parents house. My worry is that she will have it so he isn't engaged/present, if that makes sense? My FI and I really want his brother to be present and everything and when she is around he is not. I guess that is our main concern

    Not your problem.  He's a grown-up.  He gets to decide how "present" he wants to be.  She doesn't make him do anything he doesn't want to do.  If he decides he doesn't like to be treated that way and if he decides that she is interfering with how "present" he is for other people and that he doesn't like to not be "present" then he'll break up with her.  But until he does, she's his significant other and you don't get to crap on that by being rude to her, even if she isn't responding in kind.  Them's the breaks.  She's his SO - ALL significant others get invited (this is not the same as a +1, which is given to truly single people and not required).

    Besides, even if you decided to be rude and not invite her (provided they are still together at that time), what's to say that he will be "present" then?  He could be ducking away to text or call her and check in.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Are you leaving out the part where Betty is holding a gun to Johnny's head? Because she isn't "making" him do anything. He's choosing to do those things.

    MyNameIsNotYogaSandyInLoveInQueens
  • Yes, you need to invite her. Johnny has chosen her as his SO, so she'll be around.

    I get why you might dislike her, or why you are annoyed with her and Johnny, but I feel like you're putting a lot of the blame on her. Johnny is now an adult man- he makes the choice to run off with his gf. 

    Beyond missing something, like the ceremony, or photos, the WP "duties" are over when the reception starts, so if he and his gf want to go and hide, that's fine, and that's on them when family asks, "Oh, where's Johnny?"- not you. So don't let it stress you out! Be the bigger person and continue to be more than polite to Johnny's SO. Either they'll break up, they'll stay together and both grow up a bit (I agree, the running off with your gf sounds like an 18 year old man thing to do), or they'll stay together and you'll always dislike her, so practice dealing with it now ;)
    [Deleted User]
  • It does not really matter what the brother is doing during the reception.

    My sister (25) kept "sneaking out" of my reception to go to the guys prep room and watch the Bama game. I was not upset at all. She was a bit sad when she realized she missed Dad's toast.

  • Do you think Betty has social anxiety?  I am not excusing her behavior, but since I don't know the details I wonder if meeting new people, especially her BF's family, is extremely difficult for her.  Sometimes those who suffer from anxiety appear rude and are off putting.  Perhaps that is the case.  (Or, she could just be acting like an ornery teenager....LOL.)

    If there is more to it than that I understand the annoyance, but I suggest you rise above it by not only inviting her, which it appears from your latest response you will, but also by reaching out to her if she feels uncomfortable in social situations.  She may appreciate that guesture more than you know.
    YogaSandy
  • Invite her and maybe she won't come. Plan any photos you want to include him and the toast to be done early so that way if he makes an early exit, it won't make a difference. The reality is, once the ceremony is done, photos are done, dinner is done & if he does one, the toast is over, if he leaves or if he stays, you probably won't even notice.
  • you guys are very right, i just need to rise above lol. It's not social anxiety (i've asked) she just doesn't like his family for whatever reason ill never know haha.

    holyguacamole79SP29
  • How old is Betty?  If this is a high school relationship, she is most likely still a minor.  For the sake of your FI and his brother's relationship, I'd suck it up and invite her.  She may or may not come.  She may or may not be allowed to come.
  • I agree with everyone else to invite her!
    "It's always better when we're together." -Jack Johnson
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    you guys are very right, i just need to rise above lol. It's not social anxiety (i've asked) she just doesn't like his family for whatever reason ill never know haha.
    My cousin is dating his exwife again, who hates our family and is pretty vocal about it, TBH we all hate her right back.  I understand where you're coming from, but I'd rather put up with her at anything than risk him not coming to anything. 
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    SP29Lala9414
  • you guys are very right, i just need to rise above lol. It's not social anxiety (i've asked) she just doesn't like his family for whatever reason ill never know haha.
    Well, dang it, I was trying to give old Betty the benefit of the doubt; I hate when I do that in vain. My uncle's wife is like this, too.  We gave up on her years ago...
    Lala9414
  • lol it just baffles me, how do you hate your s/o's family at such a young age when they've been nothing but nice (overly nice imo) and expect it to work out. but hey, they're still young so we'll see haha thanks ladies!

  • lol it just baffles me, how do you hate your s/o's family at such a young age when they've been nothing but nice (overly nice imo) and expect it to work out. but hey, they're still young so we'll see haha thanks ladies!
    She probably just has a case of the teenagers.  I was absolutely unbearable when I was 18.  The only thing that kept my mom from strangling me was that I wasn't worth the jail time.
    TBH, I think my mum probably still feels that way sometimes!
                 
    Lala9414drunkenwitch
  • Hopefully your FBIL has the sense to not leave during the ceremony/pictures/toast. Maybe have FI mention to him that he needs to be there for those- no matter what GF says? 

    Furthermore, I'm unsure why your family needed to get to know the 18yo FBIL... or are upset he wasn't there the whole time. 

    After pictures/toast, I (the bride) would be miffed if my hubby of 2 hours was going around chasing down his brother/worrying about his brother versus spending time with me and all of our other guests (that we must greet!)

    holyguacamole79huskypuppy14
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