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We set a "date" but we are not engaged yet...

[Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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in Not Engaged Yet
Hello Everyone! I am very new to the community and excuse me if I don't know any of the lingo you use :)
Here is my story:
We met 10.5 years ago and were friends at first. We have been dating for about 6.5 years now and everything has been great. We have also been living together for 1.5 years (I guess everything happens in the summertime for me.)
I graduated from college last year and now am in nursing school, which is a big reason why we delayed getting married for so long.
I have been dreaming of marrying him for years and was slightly jealous every time one of my friends announced their engagement (especially when they only dated for a year or two.) So I finally worked up the guts to have a real conversation with him.
I am in my late 20s and I would like to see where my life is headed so I asked him where he thought we were going and when. After about an hour of talking, we decided that we are going to get married a few months after I graduate from school. My graduation is June 2017, so I am really excited about this. I told him that I need at least a year to plan a wedding so hopefully, I get a proposal in the next 8 months. He knows that I always wanted to get married in October.
I already know where I want to have my wedding, it is a little inn in the woods, where we go on vacation every summer with his family.
I also would like to mention that we already have the money for the wedding, rings, and a down payment on a house, so that is not a problem.
Now for the waiting game....and dieting :)
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Re: We set a "date" but we are not engaged yet...

  • tigerlily6tigerlily6 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    First, congratulations! FI and I had a similar conversation after dating for 6 years. Once we decided we were getting married, however, we said we were engaged. We never did to a proposal proper. I admit that at first I felt a bit jilted at times, but logically, once you know you're getting married, you really are basically engaged! So if you want to say that, then go ahead and say it. :) It's up to you, but I would say go for it! Trust me, it still feels good!

    I told FI I am okay without a formal proposal, so long as we can look back at our engagement as a romantic time. We've both already said yes to one another, even if it was through casual conversation about our futures. It is a real yes, a reasoned and planned out yes, and that means just as much. He has said that he still wants to "propose" sometime -- basically, reaffirm that he wants to marry me through some romantic gesture. I am of course excited, and look forward to it, but even still, it is more a reaffirmation, not an original assent. We've been engaged 8 months now, since we decided to get married, and we're loud and proud about it. And it's no less an engagement just because he hasn't gotten down on one knee.  It's just an added bonus if he does, and a guy can still sweep you off your feet with a ring after he's your fiance as much as before. :)

    This is my experience, but I also understand if you want to wait. I would just consider going for it and calling a spade a spade -- you're agreed to be married, and that's a happy thing and happy time of life, whether it's publicly announced or not!
                        


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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    You are really putting the cart before the horse here. It's great that you had a serious talk with your SO about where your relationship is going and that you are both on the same page/excited about the future!

    But WAIT until you are engaged to do any planning. You don't have a date because you don't have a venue. And you shouldn't book a venue until you both consider yourselves engaged - you do not need a ring to be engaged, just a mutual agreement that you are for some the ring is an important part of that.

    My FI proposed just under 7 years into our relationship, so I understand how hard waiting is but you don't get this time back so just focus on the time you have in your relationship now and let the engagement happen when it happens. And remember, life doesn't always go as planned so an engagement could take longer than you are thinking.

    Feel free to stick around and get to know the amazing women who post here! We talk about a lot of non-wedding related things and they are the best support system, especially when it comes to keeping people from going crazy while waiting for a proposal!


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  • MobKazMobKaz member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Knottie80688739 said:
    Hello Everyone! I am very new to the community and excuse me if I don't know any of the lingo you use :)
    Here is my story:
    We met 10.5 years ago and were friends at first. We have been dating for about 6.5 years now and everything has been great. We have also been living together for 1.5 years (I guess everything happens in the summertime for me.)
    I graduated from college last year and now am in nursing school, which is a big reason why we delayed getting married for so long.
    I have been dreaming of marrying him for years and was slightly jealous every time one of my friends announced their engagement (especially when they only dated for a year or two.) So I finally worked up the guts to have a real conversation with him.
    I am in my late 20s and I would like to see where my life is headed so I asked him where he thought we were going and when. After about an hour of talking, we decided that we are going to get married a few months after I graduate from school. My graduation is June 2017, so I am really excited about this. I told him that I need at least a year to plan a wedding so hopefully, I get a proposal in the next 8 months. He knows that I always wanted to get married in October.
    I already know where I want to have my wedding, it is a little inn in the woods, where we go on vacation every summer with his family.
    I also would like to mention that we already have the money for the wedding, rings, and a down payment on a house, so that is not a problem.
    Now for the waiting game....and dieting :)

    Congratulations.  In my eyes, I would consider you engaged.

    It is unrealistic to be set on a wedding venue until you have established your guest list.   Determine who will be invited first.  Make sure to allow for some "wiggle room" with your numbers since relationships are not static.  Once you have done that, you can decide whether your venue choice will allow you to comfortably and appropriately host your guests.
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  • knottie2b256f5c2ae42586knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 member
    Ninth Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I agree with PPs on everything. It seems that you are ready to begin planning a wedding (you have a general date in mind, you have a venue in mind, you have the $, etc...), it's just that you don't have a ring or a typical proposal - which PPs have said is not necessary for an engagement.

    If you guys have the finances available, I would go ahead and create  you guest list and budget, and then book the venue. I understand that school takes up a lot of time, but with OVER a year to plan, you would have plenty of time to get everything done!

    FI and I got engaged on July 4th last year and our date is 5/20/17. We have our guest list and budget made out and a venue and DJ booked. We're looking at photographers now, but once school starts for me, we're not really worrying about anything else until I graduate this May. It does feel a little weird to be engaged but not really doing much wedding planning, but I know that once we're a year out, more of our time will be devoted to taking care of everything else.
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  • tigerlily6tigerlily6 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Jax43615 said:
    I agree with PPs on everything. It seems that you are ready to begin planning a wedding (you have a general date in mind, you have a venue in mind, you have the $, etc...), it's just that you don't have a ring or a typical proposal - which PPs have said is not necessary for an engagement.

    If you guys have the finances available, I would go ahead and create  you guest list and budget, and then book the venue. I understand that school takes up a lot of time, but with OVER a year to plan, you would have plenty of time to get everything done!

    FI and I got engaged on July 4th last year and our date is 5/20/17. We have our guest list and budget made out and a venue and DJ booked. We're looking at photographers now, but once school starts for me, we're not really worrying about anything else until I graduate this May. It does feel a little weird to be engaged but not really doing much wedding planning, but I know that once we're a year out, more of our time will be devoted to taking care of everything else.
    ^ This. Start with the guest list and budget, and then work from there. I think it's fine to have some kind of romantic offering of a ring and profession of love if it's something you and your FI want, but a proposal does not begin an engagement, the mutual, verbal assent to be married and begin wedding planning does. :) So congrats, and happy planning!

    Also, @Jax43615, congratulations, also! And I completely agree, you will be 100% fine with planning. I'm doing the exact same thing -- intense planning in short bursts during breaks, then flipping the wedding-fever switch off for weeks-to-months at a time while I'm in school. So far, it has not been a problem, and in some ways, it is actually really nice. School breaks kind of give you built-in "time off" for wedding planning that I don't think I would give myself (or even probably be able to get) if I were working a full-time job. 

                        


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  • knottie2b256f5c2ae42586knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 member
    Ninth Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Thank you @tigerlily6! It's been very nice to not have to worry about getting everything done on top of school/work. Saves my sanity!
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    MobKaz said:


    Knottie80688739 said:

    Hello Everyone! I am very new to the community and excuse me if I don't know any of the lingo you use :)
    Here is my story:
    We met 10.5 years ago and were friends at first. We have been dating for about 6.5 years now and everything has been great. We have also been living together for 1.5 years (I guess everything happens in the summertime for me.)
    I graduated from college last year and now am in nursing school, which is a big reason why we delayed getting married for so long.
    I have been dreaming of marrying him for years and was slightly jealous every time one of my friends announced their engagement (especially when they only dated for a year or two.) So I finally worked up the guts to have a real conversation with him.
    I am in my late 20s and I would like to see where my life is headed so I asked him where he thought we were going and when. After about an hour of talking, we decided that we are going to get married a few months after I graduate from school. My graduation is June 2017, so I am really excited about this. I told him that I need at least a year to plan a wedding so hopefully, I get a proposal in the next 8 months. He knows that I always wanted to get married in October.
    I already know where I want to have my wedding, it is a little inn in the woods, where we go on vacation every summer with his family.
    I also would like to mention that we already have the money for the wedding, rings, and a down payment on a house, so that is not a problem.
    Now for the waiting game....and dieting :)


    Congratulations.  In my eyes, I would consider you engaged.

    It is unrealistic to be set on a wedding venue until you have established your guest list.   Determine who will be invited first.  Make sure to allow for some "wiggle room" with your numbers since relationships are not static.  Once you have done that, you can decide whether your venue choice will allow you to comfortably and appropriately host your guests.




    I wouldnt! They had one conversation about it. They don't "have" a date, they just have that October 2017 sounds good. Having the money to afford a wedding is nice, but they aren't making concrete plans, there's no reason to think a proposal is imminent, and it sounds like he doesn't think of them as engaged.

    I just see them as dating, and having an adult conversation about where they want things to go. Not engaged at all.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    Thank you for taking the time to message me back.
    I would love to consider us engaged however, my SO is old fashioned and would like to as his family first and go through the traditional steps first. (Old fashioned and willing to move in with me before marriage? I know, it is strange lol)
    Congrats on your engagement <3
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    bethsmiles said:
    You are really putting the cart before the horse here. It's great that you had a serious talk with your SO about where your relationship is going and that you are both on the same page/excited about the future!

    But WAIT until you are engaged to do any planning. You don't have a date because you don't have a venue. And you shouldn't book a venue until you both consider yourselves engaged - you do not need a ring to be engaged, just a mutual agreement that you are for some the ring is an important part of that.

    My FI proposed just under 7 years into our relationship, so I understand how hard waiting is but you don't get this time back so just focus on the time you have in your relationship now and let the engagement happen when it happens. And remember, life doesn't always go as planned so an engagement could take longer than you are thinking.

    Feel free to stick around and get to know the amazing women who post here! We talk about a lot of non-wedding related things and they are the best support system, especially when it comes to keeping people from going crazy while waiting for a proposal!
    Hello bethsmiles,

    I understand where you are coming from. That is why I had "date" in quotes because it is unofficial. We both would like to get married on October 2017, so I am just posting because I am excited about that and would like to tell SOMEONE. I am not doing any planning and do understand that many things can happen in the next few years....which is a reason why I don't want to tell family/friends anything until it becomes official.

    I had the conversation with him because I have to do some planning for my future now, when it comes to my career and I need to know where we will be living (he wants to move to another state, which means I would need to get my RN license in that state.) I refuse to buy a house with someone that I am not married to and that is how the October 2017 date came to be. I do not feel that I forced him into this, in fact, he has been talking about marrying me since the beginning of the relationship. It was just a conversation that brought us from talking about one day getting married to making it more of a planned thing. Nothing too serious. Just something to be excited about.

    Thank you for the advice, I am new to this community and look forward to meeting others.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    AddieCake said:
    I don't understand setting a date and then waiting for a proposal.
    Oh AddieCake, please don't rain on my parade :) The date is unofficial, which is why I put it in quotes. We just agreed upon a month that we would like to get married and it is nothing serious, just something I am excited about.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    MobKaz said:
    Knottie80688739 said:
    Hello Everyone! I am very new to the community and excuse me if I don't know any of the lingo you use :)
    Here is my story:
    We met 10.5 years ago and were friends at first. We have been dating for about 6.5 years now and everything has been great. We have also been living together for 1.5 years (I guess everything happens in the summertime for me.)
    I graduated from college last year and now am in nursing school, which is a big reason why we delayed getting married for so long.
    I have been dreaming of marrying him for years and was slightly jealous every time one of my friends announced their engagement (especially when they only dated for a year or two.) So I finally worked up the guts to have a real conversation with him.
    I am in my late 20s and I would like to see where my life is headed so I asked him where he thought we were going and when. After about an hour of talking, we decided that we are going to get married a few months after I graduate from school. My graduation is June 2017, so I am really excited about this. I told him that I need at least a year to plan a wedding so hopefully, I get a proposal in the next 8 months. He knows that I always wanted to get married in October.
    I already know where I want to have my wedding, it is a little inn in the woods, where we go on vacation every summer with his family.
    I also would like to mention that we already have the money for the wedding, rings, and a down payment on a house, so that is not a problem.
    Now for the waiting game....and dieting :)

    Congratulations.  In my eyes, I would consider you engaged.

    It is unrealistic to be set on a wedding venue until you have established your guest list.   Determine who will be invited first.  Make sure to allow for some "wiggle room" with your numbers since relationships are not static.  Once you have done that, you can decide whether your venue choice will allow you to comfortably and appropriately host your guests.
    I understand how this is a problem for most couples (booking the venue is a big deal,) but it is a little different for us.
    1) We both have a very small group of friends and family members. Honestly, between the two of us, we have less than 50 people that could be on our guest list. That makes planning a venue much easier.
    2) The place I want to have as a venue, has many accommodations. They can do very small or very large weddings. Also, we have been talking about getting married at this place since the first time we went there- it is just magical (in our eyes.)
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    Jax43615 said:
    I agree with PPs on everything. It seems that you are ready to begin planning a wedding (you have a general date in mind, you have a venue in mind, you have the $, etc...), it's just that you don't have a ring or a typical proposal - which PPs have said is not necessary for an engagement.

    If you guys have the finances available, I would go ahead and create  you guest list and budget, and then book the venue. I understand that school takes up a lot of time, but with OVER a year to plan, you would have plenty of time to get everything done!

    FI and I got engaged on July 4th last year and our date is 5/20/17. We have our guest list and budget made out and a venue and DJ booked. We're looking at photographers now, but once school starts for me, we're not really worrying about anything else until I graduate this May. It does feel a little weird to be engaged but not really doing much wedding planning, but I know that once we're a year out, more of our time will be devoted to taking care of everything else.
    AH this is so overwhelming. I just thought "hey we have a time frame that we both want to get married" and I honestly did not think of starting any wedding planning yet! But you do have some good points. Being in school I am basically swamped from August to Mid-June with a few breaks in between.
    I might just start planning during my next break off from school :)
    Congrats on your engagement!
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    tigerlily6 said:
    Jax43615 said:
    I agree with PPs on everything. It seems that you are ready to begin planning a wedding (you have a general date in mind, you have a venue in mind, you have the $, etc...), it's just that you don't have a ring or a typical proposal - which PPs have said is not necessary for an engagement.

    If you guys have the finances available, I would go ahead and create  you guest list and budget, and then book the venue. I understand that school takes up a lot of time, but with OVER a year to plan, you would have plenty of time to get everything done!

    FI and I got engaged on July 4th last year and our date is 5/20/17. We have our guest list and budget made out and a venue and DJ booked. We're looking at photographers now, but once school starts for me, we're not really worrying about anything else until I graduate this May. It does feel a little weird to be engaged but not really doing much wedding planning, but I know that once we're a year out, more of our time will be devoted to taking care of everything else.
    ^ This. Start with the guest list and budget, and then work from there. I think it's fine to have some kind of romantic offering of a ring and profession of love if it's something you and your FI want, but a proposal does not begin an engagement, the mutual, verbal assent to be married and begin wedding planning does. :) So congrats, and happy planning!

    Also, @Jax43615, congratulations, also! And I completely agree, you will be 100% fine with planning. I'm doing the exact same thing -- intense planning in short bursts during breaks, then flipping the wedding-fever switch off for weeks-to-months at a time while I'm in school. So far, it has not been a problem, and in some ways, it is actually really nice. School breaks kind of give you built-in "time off" for wedding planning that I don't think I would give myself (or even probably be able to get) if I were working a full-time job. 

    I meant to send this message to you:

    Thank you for taking the time to message me back.
    I would love to consider us engaged however, my SO is old fashioned and would like to as his family first and go through the traditional steps first. (Old fashioned and willing to move in with me before marriage? I know, it is strange lol)
    Congrats on your engagement 3

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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Knottie80688739 said:

    Thank you for taking the time to message me back.
    I would love to consider us engaged however, my SO is old fashioned and would like to as his family first and go through the traditional steps first. (Old fashioned and willing to move in with me before marriage? I know, it is strange lol)
    Congrats on your engagement <3

    I guess I'm curious why he's going to wait 8 months to propose. If you both know that you are ready now, why is he waiting?




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  • tigerlily6tigerlily6 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited January 2016
    @Knottie80688739, nothing wrong with being traditional! I approve of old fashioned. :) In that case, congratulations in advance. <3  We didn't announce until we had both sets of our parents down to visit, so I can understand wanting to wait to make things more official.  

    I just remember the period of figuring out we wanted to be married as having a lot of emotions swirling around (I think the idea of getting engaged has a lot of build up and grand expectations commercially and from the media), and it can be easy to get swept up in putting those expectations on yourselves, and feel disappointed when they don't come out the way TV and magazines say they should -- like @bethsmiles has said above. I know I had a few ups and downs through the process, and it was nice to read some of the posts on this site and realize that getting engaged does not need to be a hyped-up event, but can be simple and still beautiful and meaningful. In the end, as long as you two are in accord and happy and on the same page, that is all that counts.  :)

    ETA for name crediting. 
                        


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  • MobKazMobKaz member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Knottie80688739 said:
    MobKaz said:
    Knottie80688739 said:
    Hello Everyone! I am very new to the community and excuse me if I don't know any of the lingo you use :)
    Here is my story:
    We met 10.5 years ago and were friends at first. We have been dating for about 6.5 years now and everything has been great. We have also been living together for 1.5 years (I guess everything happens in the summertime for me.)
    I graduated from college last year and now am in nursing school, which is a big reason why we delayed getting married for so long.
    I have been dreaming of marrying him for years and was slightly jealous every time one of my friends announced their engagement (especially when they only dated for a year or two.) So I finally worked up the guts to have a real conversation with him.
    I am in my late 20s and I would like to see where my life is headed so I asked him where he thought we were going and when. After about an hour of talking, we decided that we are going to get married a few months after I graduate from school. My graduation is June 2017, so I am really excited about this. I told him that I need at least a year to plan a wedding so hopefully, I get a proposal in the next 8 months. He knows that I always wanted to get married in October.
    I already know where I want to have my wedding, it is a little inn in the woods, where we go on vacation every summer with his family.
    I also would like to mention that we already have the money for the wedding, rings, and a down payment on a house, so that is not a problem.
    Now for the waiting game....and dieting :)

    Congratulations.  In my eyes, I would consider you engaged.

    It is unrealistic to be set on a wedding venue until you have established your guest list.   Determine who will be invited first.  Make sure to allow for some "wiggle room" with your numbers since relationships are not static.  Once you have done that, you can decide whether your venue choice will allow you to comfortably and appropriately host your guests.
    I understand how this is a problem for most couples (booking the venue is a big deal,) but it is a little different for us.
    1) We both have a very small group of friends and family members. Honestly, between the two of us, we have less than 50 people that could be on our guest list. That makes planning a venue much easier.
    2) The place I want to have as a venue, has many accommodations. They can do very small or very large weddings. Also, we have been talking about getting married at this place since the first time we went there- it is just magical (in our eyes.)
    Your wedding is 20 months out.  In that time, you will leave your academic world and enter an occupational world.  New relationships will be formed, and a few former ones may fade.  You may have less than 50 people TODAY that you would consider guests, but much can and will change between now and October, 2017.  People on that list of 50 may add SO's, marry, or have children.  It is good that this venue has flexibility accommodating groups of various sizes.

    I just want you to understand that we have had many brides on the boards that also speak about magical, childhood wedding dreams.  Unfortunately, the venue, in some cases, results in being a nightmare for the guests, or the wedding planning in general.  Make sure the proper hosting of your guests is not sacrificed for any magical vision you may want to fulfill.

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  • MobKazMobKaz member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    STARMOON44 said:
    Knottie80688739 said:
    Hello Everyone! I am very new to the community and excuse me if I don't know any of the lingo you use :)
    Here is my story:
    We met 10.5 years ago and were friends at first. We have been dating for about 6.5 years now and everything has been great. We have also been living together for 1.5 years (I guess everything happens in the summertime for me.)
    I graduated from college last year and now am in nursing school, which is a big reason why we delayed getting married for so long.
    I have been dreaming of marrying him for years and was slightly jealous every time one of my friends announced their engagement (especially when they only dated for a year or two.) So I finally worked up the guts to have a real conversation with him.
    I am in my late 20s and I would like to see where my life is headed so I asked him where he thought we were going and when. After about an hour of talking, we decided that we are going to get married a few months after I graduate from school. My graduation is June 2017, so I am really excited about this. I told him that I need at least a year to plan a wedding so hopefully, I get a proposal in the next 8 months. He knows that I always wanted to get married in October.
    I already know where I want to have my wedding, it is a little inn in the woods, where we go on vacation every summer with his family.
    I also would like to mention that we already have the money for the wedding, rings, and a down payment on a house, so that is not a problem.
    Now for the waiting game....and dieting :)

    Congratulations.  In my eyes, I would consider you engaged.

    It is unrealistic to be set on a wedding venue until you have established your guest list.   Determine who will be invited first.  Make sure to allow for some "wiggle room" with your numbers since relationships are not static.  Once you have done that, you can decide whether your venue choice will allow you to comfortably and appropriately host your guests.
    I wouldnt! They had one conversation about it. They don't "have" a date, they just have that October 2017 sounds good. Having the money to afford a wedding is nice, but they aren't making concrete plans, there's no reason to think a proposal is imminent, and it sounds like he doesn't think of them as engaged. I just see them as dating, and having an adult conversation about where they want things to go. Not engaged at all.
    I understand your point.  I disagree. 

    I don't think the number of conversations determines an engagement.  It sounds to me as if they have had more than one conversation as well.  OP states that "WE delayed getting married because of school". I also don't think you need to have a ring or a set date to be officially engaged.  However, to me, one sentence in the OP's post sets the debate apart......"we decided that we are going to get married a few months after I graduate from school."  That mutual decision is what affirms an engagement in my opinion.

    Discussing finances, and knowing that money has been earmarked for wedding rings and their home, sounds like fairly concrete plans to me.



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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    MobKaz said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    Knottie80688739 said:
    Hello Everyone! I am very new to the community and excuse me if I don't know any of the lingo you use :)
    Here is my story:
    We met 10.5 years ago and were friends at first. We have been dating for about 6.5 years now and everything has been great. We have also been living together for 1.5 years (I guess everything happens in the summertime for me.)
    I graduated from college last year and now am in nursing school, which is a big reason why we delayed getting married for so long.
    I have been dreaming of marrying him for years and was slightly jealous every time one of my friends announced their engagement (especially when they only dated for a year or two.) So I finally worked up the guts to have a real conversation with him.
    I am in my late 20s and I would like to see where my life is headed so I asked him where he thought we were going and when. After about an hour of talking, we decided that we are going to get married a few months after I graduate from school. My graduation is June 2017, so I am really excited about this. I told him that I need at least a year to plan a wedding so hopefully, I get a proposal in the next 8 months. He knows that I always wanted to get married in October.
    I already know where I want to have my wedding, it is a little inn in the woods, where we go on vacation every summer with his family.
    I also would like to mention that we already have the money for the wedding, rings, and a down payment on a house, so that is not a problem.
    Now for the waiting game....and dieting :)

    Congratulations.  In my eyes, I would consider you engaged.

    It is unrealistic to be set on a wedding venue until you have established your guest list.   Determine who will be invited first.  Make sure to allow for some "wiggle room" with your numbers since relationships are not static.  Once you have done that, you can decide whether your venue choice will allow you to comfortably and appropriately host your guests.
    I wouldnt! They had one conversation about it. They don't "have" a date, they just have that October 2017 sounds good. Having the money to afford a wedding is nice, but they aren't making concrete plans, there's no reason to think a proposal is imminent, and it sounds like he doesn't think of them as engaged. I just see them as dating, and having an adult conversation about where they want things to go. Not engaged at all.
    I understand your point.  I disagree. 

    I don't think the number of conversations determines an engagement.  It sounds to me as if they have had more than one conversation as well.  OP states that "WE delayed getting married because of school". I also don't think you need to have a ring or a set date to be officially engaged.  However, to me, one sentence in the OP's post sets the debate apart......"we decided that we are going to get married a few months after I graduate from school."  That mutual decision is what affirms an engagement in my opinion.

    Discussing finances, and knowing that money has been earmarked for wedding rings and their home, sounds like fairly concrete plans to me.



    I disagree. A couple is engaged when they say they are engaged. Having conversations about marriage and having a timeline doesn't mean a couple is engaged, if having the traditional ring & proposal is important to them. Now if they were actually booking a venue, putting money down on vendors, and really planning a wedding then it would make sense to me to say "Hey you are engaged" Before that I think there's a lot of grey where it makes sense for a couple to talk about timelines and future plans without considering themselves engaged.


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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    bethsmiles said:
    @knottie80688739 - I'm not really sure why you are explaining to me why you had a conversation with your SO about your relationship, I said in my response to you that I thought it was great that that conversation went well. Everyone should be having those types of conversations.

    The thing is being set on a specific month and needing a specific amount of time and wanting a specific venue puts a lot of expectations on exactly how this is all going to go and it can (and for a lot of people has) lead to disappointments, BSC behavior, and arguments that never would have happened without all that expectation. 

    Also, having a year out to plan doesn't mean that venue will be available anyway. We had one or two venues that were completely booked for the 3 MONTH period we were considering and the venue we did choose was almost completely booked as well at a year out.

    When you get engaged, then think about when you want to get married and setting a date. Also, wedding planning becomes a whole different game once you are actually engaged and dealing with families' expectations and real money.

    No one is trying to rain on your parade here, but we strongly advise against pre-planning and while I wouldn't really say you are pre-planning I think you are headed straight there.
    Please excuse me, I am very new to the community and community boards in general. I misinterpreted what you were trying to say.
    Thank you for the advice, I do not want to be disappointed at all and will keep that in mind for the future.
    I just needed a place to let out my excitement.
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  • untouchabletsuntouchablets member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    @alpacina THANK YOU THAT WAS DRIVING ME CRAZY
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    tigerlily6 said:
    @Knottie80688739, nothing wrong with being traditional! I approve of old fashioned. :) In that case, congratulations in advance. <3  We didn't announce until we had both sets of our parents down to visit, so I can understand wanting to wait to make things more official.  

    I just remember the period of figuring out we wanted to be married as having a lot of emotions swirling around (I think the idea of getting engaged has a lot of build up and grand expectations commercially and from the media), and it can be easy to get swept up in putting those expectations on yourselves, and feel disappointed when they don't come out the way TV and magazines say they should -- like @bethsmiles has said above. I know I had a few ups and downs through the process, and it was nice to read some of the posts on this site and realize that getting engaged does not need to be a hyped-up event, but can be simple and still beautiful and meaningful. In the end, as long as you two are in accord and happy and on the same page, that is all that counts.  :)

    ETA for name crediting. 
    Thank you. Since I am so new to this, I was also in the fantasy world of media. You are right, this does not need to hyped-up at all.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    MobKaz said:
    Knottie80688739 said:
    MobKaz said:
    Knottie80688739 said:
    Hello Everyone! I am very new to the community and excuse me if I don't know any of the lingo you use :)
    Here is my story:
    We met 10.5 years ago and were friends at first. We have been dating for about 6.5 years now and everything has been great. We have also been living together for 1.5 years (I guess everything happens in the summertime for me.)
    I graduated from college last year and now am in nursing school, which is a big reason why we delayed getting married for so long.
    I have been dreaming of marrying him for years and was slightly jealous every time one of my friends announced their engagement (especially when they only dated for a year or two.) So I finally worked up the guts to have a real conversation with him.
    I am in my late 20s and I would like to see where my life is headed so I asked him where he thought we were going and when. After about an hour of talking, we decided that we are going to get married a few months after I graduate from school. My graduation is June 2017, so I am really excited about this. I told him that I need at least a year to plan a wedding so hopefully, I get a proposal in the next 8 months. He knows that I always wanted to get married in October.
    I already know where I want to have my wedding, it is a little inn in the woods, where we go on vacation every summer with his family.
    I also would like to mention that we already have the money for the wedding, rings, and a down payment on a house, so that is not a problem.
    Now for the waiting game....and dieting :)

    Congratulations.  In my eyes, I would consider you engaged.

    It is unrealistic to be set on a wedding venue until you have established your guest list.   Determine who will be invited first.  Make sure to allow for some "wiggle room" with your numbers since relationships are not static.  Once you have done that, you can decide whether your venue choice will allow you to comfortably and appropriately host your guests.
    I understand how this is a problem for most couples (booking the venue is a big deal,) but it is a little different for us.
    1) We both have a very small group of friends and family members. Honestly, between the two of us, we have less than 50 people that could be on our guest list. That makes planning a venue much easier.
    2) The place I want to have as a venue, has many accommodations. They can do very small or very large weddings. Also, we have been talking about getting married at this place since the first time we went there- it is just magical (in our eyes.)
    Your wedding is 20 months out.  In that time, you will leave your academic world and enter an occupational world.  New relationships will be formed, and a few former ones may fade.  You may have less than 50 people TODAY that you would consider guests, but much can and will change between now and October, 2017.  People on that list of 50 may add SO's, marry, or have children.  It is good that this venue has flexibility accommodating groups of various sizes.

    I just want you to understand that we have had many brides on the boards that also speak about magical, childhood wedding dreams.  Unfortunately, the venue, in some cases, results in being a nightmare for the guests, or the wedding planning in general.  Make sure the proper hosting of your guests is not sacrificed for any magical vision you may want to fulfill.

    Thank you for the information. I did not consider that but I will in the future, when I actually start planning (if all goes well.)
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    MobKaz said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    Knottie80688739 said:
    Hello Everyone! I am very new to the community and excuse me if I don't know any of the lingo you use :)
    Here is my story:
    We met 10.5 years ago and were friends at first. We have been dating for about 6.5 years now and everything has been great. We have also been living together for 1.5 years (I guess everything happens in the summertime for me.)
    I graduated from college last year and now am in nursing school, which is a big reason why we delayed getting married for so long.
    I have been dreaming of marrying him for years and was slightly jealous every time one of my friends announced their engagement (especially when they only dated for a year or two.) So I finally worked up the guts to have a real conversation with him.
    I am in my late 20s and I would like to see where my life is headed so I asked him where he thought we were going and when. After about an hour of talking, we decided that we are going to get married a few months after I graduate from school. My graduation is June 2017, so I am really excited about this. I told him that I need at least a year to plan a wedding so hopefully, I get a proposal in the next 8 months. He knows that I always wanted to get married in October.
    I already know where I want to have my wedding, it is a little inn in the woods, where we go on vacation every summer with his family.
    I also would like to mention that we already have the money for the wedding, rings, and a down payment on a house, so that is not a problem.
    Now for the waiting game....and dieting :)

    Congratulations.  In my eyes, I would consider you engaged.

    It is unrealistic to be set on a wedding venue until you have established your guest list.   Determine who will be invited first.  Make sure to allow for some "wiggle room" with your numbers since relationships are not static.  Once you have done that, you can decide whether your venue choice will allow you to comfortably and appropriately host your guests.
    I wouldnt! They had one conversation about it. They don't "have" a date, they just have that October 2017 sounds good. Having the money to afford a wedding is nice, but they aren't making concrete plans, there's no reason to think a proposal is imminent, and it sounds like he doesn't think of them as engaged. I just see them as dating, and having an adult conversation about where they want things to go. Not engaged at all.
    I understand your point.  I disagree. 

    I don't think the number of conversations determines an engagement.  It sounds to me as if they have had more than one conversation as well.  OP states that "WE delayed getting married because of school". I also don't think you need to have a ring or a set date to be officially engaged.  However, to me, one sentence in the OP's post sets the debate apart......"we decided that we are going to get married a few months after I graduate from school."  That mutual decision is what affirms an engagement in my opinion.

    Discussing finances, and knowing that money has been earmarked for wedding rings and their home, sounds like fairly concrete plans to me.



    Thank you for the post. I am very new to this community and I was just trying to let out some excitement. I did not think it would cause a whole debate on whether on not I am engaged. I obviously put this under the "not engaged yet" forum because that is where I thought it belonged.
    Although you make some good points, I feel as if it is not official until our family and friends know about it.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    Can we conclude that there are grey areas of and several forms of engagement?
    I believe that I am in a pre-engagement phase. More than a plain relationship but not quite engaged yet. In this phase, I will not pre-plan or even put too much thought into the actual wedding, but I still will plan my career and other major life decisions (not take a job far away, save money, etc.) as if this wedding will happen.
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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    See, though, being engaged is a binary state. You are, or you are not. Only you as a couple can decide whether you are or not. Trying to make up some kind of in-between term like 'pre-engaged' just comes across as a bit juvenile. Enjoy your relationship as it is now, and when you become engaged, enjoy that.
    image
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