Wedding Etiquette Forum

I am a Bridesmaid Dealing with an ungrateful Bride

 There are a total of three BM in the wedding. Wedding is this March
I spent most of last weekend printing and addressing the invitations for the wedding. It took me a while to complete the invitations because I had printer issues. Sunday night the bride calls me because she feels like time is running out and nobody is doing anything. I was so upset since I spent most of my weekend doing her invites. During the phone call the bride also tells me that she might as well forget about a shower and batchlorett party because nobody has asked about what she wants.  

Later during the week the bride asks me if me an't the other BM have made any plans for her shower. I mention that I was thinking of doing her bridal shower at my place. The bride tells me no because you don't a bridal shower at your home & she thought that we were doing her shower at a restaurant. One of he reasons why I suggested my place is because me and the other BM can't afford to do her shower at a restaurant. I lost my job in September and in November I was unable to work because I had major surgery.  I do start a new job on Monday its a base plus commission however it will be at least one month before I start receiving commission. 
Would it be wrong to explain to her that I can not afford to throw her a shower at a restaurant?
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Re: I am a Bridesmaid Dealing with an ungrateful Bride

  • It would absolutely not be wrong for your to tell her that you're unable to throw her a bridal shower at a restaurant. She should be happy enough that you have offered to throw her a shower at your house. She is not entitled to make these demands of you. It is bad enough that you already spent your weekend addressing the invitations. Don't put up with this from the Bride, she's being a brat and you don't have to deal with it.  

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  • Tell her no.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Your "friend" sucks. You shouldn't have to explain anything. You are offering her the gift of hosting a party in her honor. If she doesn't like the kind of party you choose to host and can afford, then she declines your offer and she can just wait until someone else is willing to offer a party more suited to her liking.

    Also, for what it's worth, I have never been to a shower at a restaurant. I didn't even know that was a thing before coming to this board. All showers in my circle, wedding or baby, have always been held in someone's home. The one baby shower I attended that wasn't was in a rented room at a National Guard Armory because they invited a lot of people (more than they should have, I think) and could not accommodate that size crowd in anyone's home.
  • Bride did not visit me at home when I was recovering from my surgery. I too thought that bridal showers were done at someone's home or a hotel. 
  • Bride did not visit me at home when I was recovering from my surgery. I too thought that bridal showers were done at someone's home or a hotel. 
    It seems like you are a much better friend than she is. Don't let her take advantage of you. If it was me, I would tell her I am unable to host the shower. Maybe the next time someone offers to do something for her, she'll be gracious about it.

    I hope you are feeling well after your surgery.



                       
  • No, it wouldn't be wrong.

    Whenever I see these stories about brides acting entitled and complaining about how little bridesmaids who are in reality overburdened are doing for them, I think it's time for an overdue come-to-Jesus to clarify exactly what is reasonable for them to expect.

    In your case, I think you need to make clear to her exactly how much time, money, and effort you've so far put in for her, including on her invitations, and set some boundaries, such as no restaurant or other unaffordable venues for her bachelorette party, and no other demands on your time or wallet that don't work for you.
  • aurianna said:
    Ew ew ew.
    While I have been to showers at restaurants, I've been to far more in homes. I'm not sure what kind of fantasy world this girl lives in where she thinks her supposed nearest and dearest are obligated to throw her a fancy pants present party in a restaurant. Or that she thinks that the clock running out of time before her wedding is anyone's problem but her and her fiance's.

    I wouldn't want to throw this very ungrateful friend any kind of shower. But if you still want to, next time you feel like talking about it say something like:
    "Friend, I'd like to throw you a shower at my home either the weekend of x, y, or z. I am thinking of an early afternoon shower where I will serve snacks and  light refreshments. I can host up to x number of guests. If this works can you let me know which weekend works best and who you'd like me to invite by x date."

    If you get anything besides a "Thank you! The weekend of x works best and I will get you a list as soon as possible," then run. Or, depending on how you feel like responding you can say a number of other things (be curt, still be begrudgingly helpful, be completely honest, etc)
    "It's not feasible for me to throw anything more than what I've offered. If anyone else offers to throw you a shower you can let them know they are free to talk to me and I will let them know in what ways I can contribute."
    or
    "Friend, honestly I feel hurt and unappreciated. I already felt that I've contributed a lot, like addressing your invites and offering to throw you a party. I was surprised that you didn't feel the same, especially considering my recent health and financial situation. I wanted to throw a shower as a gift to you, and doing it in my home was the best way for me to do so. Hearing that that wasn't good enough because it wasn't in a restaurant not only hurt me, but makes me feel used and unappreciated... and frankly makes me no longer wish to throw anything at all.
    I am your friend and want to be treated as such. I'm excited about your wedding and there are some wedding tasks I'm happy to offer my help with. But in the end this is your wedding and none of it is my responsibility. I feel that you might have extra expectations of me and the bridal party which is not fair to us.... so suck it, bitch" (or end it a nice way. Whatever).
    BOOM!
  • I've been to plenty of showers in someone's house.

    This bride is taking advantage of you. Stand firm and do what you can afford. Don't do anything out of guilt.
  • The sense of entitlement is astounding.... Your "friend" is being a crappy friend.

    The only persons responsible for planning the wedding are the bride and groom. You have done more than enough by printing her invitations- this is something she and her FI should have done.

    A shower can be held anywhere- just like any other party. There is no "THIS is where X should happen". You offer the bride what you are comfortable and able to provide, and if she doesn't like it, she declines, and that is it. 

    I love what @aurianna said. Start with option 1- this is what I have to offer, and if she continues to be a brat, head straight for option 3- you are being a bratty, shitty friend. 

    Please stand up for yourself! You are not a mat to have someone else's feet wiped on. You are only responsible to show up the day of, in the agreed upon dress. Anything else is a gift YOU offer, not what she demands. 


  • I have hosted a lot of bridal showers, every last one was at someone's home. Every one.

  • Never heard of a bridal shower at a restaurant. On TV they're always in homes and whatever. Anyway, I don't know your history with her but from this alone she seems like a horrible friend. I can't imagine what clicks in the mind of bridezillas when they decide it's ok to treat people like this.
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  • AddieCake said:
    I've never been to a shower NOT at someone's house. 
    Me either!  OP I will be watching for an update after you talk to her.  She sounds heinous.
  • AddieCake said:
    I've never been to a shower NOT at someone's house. 
    Me either, until Jan 30! My cousin's shower is that day, in a restaurant. I personally think it will be a little awk opening gifts in public, but hey!
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  • First, what the F*#& are you do printing, assembling, and addressing HER invitations?!  Like, what the hell?

    As for the shower your "friend" does not get to dictate where a shower is held. Period.  She sounds like an ungrateful bitch and I would not be throwing her any type of shower whether it be at your home or a restaurant.  I would also not be doing anything else at all for this wedding.

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited January 2016
    But in regards to the talk about bridal shower and whether they are hosted in homes vs not.  I had my bridal shower at a restaurant.  It was on the smaller side (only 18 people I think) so we just had a large table in a room off their main dining room, but others patrons still dined near us.  I also hosted my sisters bridal shower at a golf club.

    I have been to showers in people's homes, in restaurants, and in other venues such as club houses in condominium complexes.  In the end it really just comes down to whoever is hosting and what they want to do.

  • Everyone else has nailed it.  You tell her you guys can't afford a restaurant, present the ideas you can afford. Same for the bachelorette (if anyone's actually still willing to do that).

    I have been to both bridal and baby showers at restaurants, but only a few. I was almost pressured into co-hosting a shower at a restaurant where an overly-pushy fellow bridesmaid worked ("oh but I'll get us 40% off!"). Luckily, the rest of us shot her down because no one could afford it and the bride was happy with the idea her mother had already presented.  It seems it's usually someone's wealthy aunt who throws the restaurant showers. It is only my personal opinion that a restaurant shower is somewhat wasteful (unless the host is wealthy) because if the point is to give gifts, the money spent at the restaurant could be spent on gifts! Or not spent at all if the host has other priorities. It's so much more cost effective to do a home shower! 
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  • About 50% of the showers I've attended have been at a home. The other 50% were either at restaurants or a hall. 

    OP, have you already purchased your dress for this wedding? If not, I personally would consider dropping out. This bride not only sounds incredibly ungrateful, but also like a really crappy friend too. 
  •  It is only my personal opinion that a restaurant shower is somewhat wasteful (unless the host is wealthy) because if the point is to give gifts, the money spent at the restaurant could be spent on gifts! Or not spent at all if the host has other priorities. It's so much more cost effective to do a home shower! 
    My sister's bridal shower ended up at a restaurant by default. The host had wanted it at her home, but so many people declined that it was actually more affordable to eat in a private room. I think there were about 8 of us and it was very nice.
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