Wedding related vacation etiquette...

KnickerGold · January 2016

I'll do a quick timeline to make this simple:

September 2015- Best Friend sets her wedding date, I put the two days off in our vacation system at work- approved.
October 2015- Coworker gets engaged.
November 2015- I get engaged, I check the vacation system and ask my 1 coworker if my date works-- everything approved.
January 2016- Coworker announces that his wedding date is the same as my best friend's, and can see I've already taken the two days off before in the system, so we'll need to 'work something out'.

I'm pissed. I got approval for these days before he was even engaged! I booked my tickets! And now I'm supposed to move my days/miss the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner and possibly the wedding? I'm a BM! And this is my closest friend!

Her wedding is at the family farm which is 2 flights and a 2 hour drive, and if I have to fly in the day of the wedding, there's a good chance I won't make it- wedding is at 2pm, earliest I could land is 11AM...

Of course, if I say no, and my director backs me up, I look like the bad guy... ugh. His wedding is legitimately 12 minutes away... so he could work! I can't work remotely from the farm as there's only dial up and zero cell service...
Am I wrong to be pissed?

frenchiekin · January 2016

I'd be pissed. I get that it's his actual wedding, but I don't think that just automatically trumps you. Is this a Thursday/Friday that you're taking off, and both weddings are on Saturdays? And are you 2 the only ones in the office that can cover your job?

TBH part of picking your wedding date is making sure it works for you. If you have such strict vacation scheduling policies at your work, I'd think he'd check there before setting his date to make sure he was actually available.

thespeshulestsnowflake · January 2016

KnickerGold said:

I'll do a quick timeline to make this simple:

September 2015- Best Friend sets her wedding date, I put the two days off in our vacation system at work- approved.
October 2015- Coworker gets engaged.
November 2015- I get engaged, I check the vacation system and ask my 1 coworker if my date works-- everything approved.
January 2016- Coworker announces that his wedding date is the same as my best friend's, and can see I've already taken the two days off before in the system, so we'll need to 'work something out'.

I'm pissed. I got approval for these days before he was even engaged! I booked my tickets! And now I'm supposed to move my days/miss the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner and possibly the wedding? I'm a BM! And this is my closest friend!

Her wedding is at the family farm which is 2 flights and a 2 hour drive, and if I have to fly in the day of the wedding, there's a good chance I won't make it- wedding is at 2pm, earliest I could land is 11AM...

Of course, if I say no, and my director backs me up, I look like the bad guy... ugh. His wedding is legitimately 12 minutes away... so he could work! I can't work remotely from the farm as there's only dial up and zero cell service...
Am I wrong to be pissed?

I'd be pissed too. How do you book something like a wedding date without checking to see if you can get the days off at work?

I'd talk privately to your director about this and see what the best course of action is. Not saying you should cancel your vacation days, but see what the best way to break it to your co-worker.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2016

Say no. Who cares if you look like the bad guy? You followed procedure and your PTO was scheduled prior to his.

Thems the breaks, guy.

ETA: Also, your coworker new for 4 months that you had been approved for PTO, and the specific days, since it's in your system and you checked with him, if I am reading your OP correctly.

So he's the derp that set a wedding date all the while ignoring these facts. Did he suddenly forget how scheduling vacation days works at your company? He needs to work this out with his boss or his FI. . . as in moving the date.

JediElizabeth · January 2016

Nope. No f'ing way I would miss a wedding I already bought tickets to get to because someone else told me I had to "work something out."

Don't back down. Let mgmt deal with it. Most places would make an exception for something like this.

How far out is this date? Speaking as someone who has managed people before, I'd say this is what temp agencies are for: if one of you are needed for phone coverage or something, they should hire a temp for the day.

holyguacamole79 · January 2016

frenchiekin said:

I'd be pissed. I get that it's his actual wedding, but I don't think that just automatically trumps you. Is this a Thursday/Friday that you're taking off, and both weddings are on Saturdays? And are you 2 the only ones in the office that can cover your job?

TBH part of picking your wedding date is making sure it works for you. If you have such strict vacation scheduling policies at your work, I'd think he'd check there before setting his date to make sure he was actually available.

I agree with this 100%.

KnickerGold · January 2016

Our jobs couldn't be covered by temps unfortunately- it would have to be covered by a European colleague, which would mean 'late hour bonus pay' which they don't ever approve since there are two people in the US!

KnickerGold · January 2016

frenchiekin said:

I'd be pissed. I get that it's his actual wedding, but I don't think that just automatically trumps you. Is this a Thursday/Friday that you're taking off, and both weddings are on Saturdays? And are you 2 the only ones in the office that can cover your job?

TBH part of picking your wedding date is making sure it works for you. If you have such strict vacation scheduling policies at your work, I'd think he'd check there before setting his date to make sure he was actually available.

Yup, the thursday/friday before. If his rehearsal is in the evening, which I hope it is- August in Texas? Eeesh-- he could easily make it there after work.

I didn't want to run into any of these issues for my wedding, so before I booked ANYTHING I put the days in our system and got them approved. Before that, I even asked coworker if that worked with him.

Just inconsiderate to me, and to my boss who now has to try and figure out what to do...

PrettyGirlLost · January 2016

KnickerGold said:

Our jobs couldn't be covered by temps unfortunately- it would have to be covered by a European colleague, which would mean 'late hour bonus pay' which they don't ever approve since there are two people in the US!

Seems stupid that something so "critical" is left to only two people, but that really sucks for your coworker then.

He needs to go talk to his boss ASAP. If he tries to bring it up with you I'd just gently as possible tell him to work it our with the boss, then bean dip, bean dip, bean dip.

sparklepants41 · January 2016

KnickerGold said:

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frenchiekin said:

I'd be pissed. I get that it's his actual wedding, but I don't think that just automatically trumps you. Is this a Thursday/Friday that you're taking off, and both weddings are on Saturdays? And are you 2 the only ones in the office that can cover your job?

TBH part of picking your wedding date is making sure it works for you. If you have such strict vacation scheduling policies at your work, I'd think he'd check there before setting his date to make sure he was actually available.

Yup, the thursday/friday before. If his rehearsal is in the evening, which I hope it is- August in Texas? Eeesh-- he could easily make it there after work.

I didn't want to run into any of these issues for my wedding, so before I booked ANYTHING I put the days in our system and got them approved. Before that, I even asked coworker if that worked with him.

Just inconsiderate to me, and to my boss who now has to try and figure out what to do...

Have your coworker and his FI booked their venues? It shouldn't come down to that because you booked your vacation time and set your date first, but if it does, and he doesn't have a deposit down for anything, this could make the decision easier on your boss.

Regardless - and I apologize for my late afternoon babbling - you still went through the proper channels when you booked your time off first.

KnickerGold · January 2016

Yes, they've booked it. Who knows when, but he just brought it up/vacation days up today.

anjemon · January 2016

I'd talk to your manager and see if you can work something out. You already were approved and bought tickets. That means your leave shouldn't just get pulled, that is what the European coworker is there for.

I know you'll hate to look like the bad guy, but imagine how crappy missing the wedding would be. Or even just flying in at the last minute, you'll be spending all that money to get there and then not get any time to actually enjoy being there.

And because it occurred to me and I'm a fixer, is there any way you can work remotely from not the farm? Not the day of the wedding, but the day of the rehearsal maybe? You could go into town and work from somewhere with better wifi. I know that's crappy because you're probably planning to spend the day with your friend, but then at least you'd already be there and not traveling.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2016

anjemon said:

I'd talk to your manager and see if you can work something out. You already were approved and bought tickets. That means your leave shouldn't just get pulled, that is what the European coworker is there for.

I know you'll hate to look like the bad guy, but imagine how crappy missing the wedding would be. Or even just flying in at the last minute, you'll be spending all that money to get there and then not get any time to actually enjoy being there.

And because it occurred to me and I'm a fixer, is there any way you can work remotely from not the farm? Not the day of the wedding, but the day of the rehearsal maybe? You could go into town and work from somewhere with better wifi. I know that's crappy because you're probably planning to spend the day with your friend, but then at least you'd already be there and not traveling.

I don't like this fix at all. She shouldn't be penalized because her coworker is a schmuck and her company is presumably too cheap to use the European option.

As OP, I wouldn't even offer up that as a suggestion to my boss. If the boss requests it, that's another story. But this is a mess coworker and the boss have to sort out. Coworker can be the one to work the day of his rehearsal and RD if the company won't use the European option.

KnickerGold · January 2016

PrettyGirlLost said:

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anjemon said:

I'd talk to your manager and see if you can work something out. You already were approved and bought tickets. That means your leave shouldn't just get pulled, that is what the European coworker is there for.

I know you'll hate to look like the bad guy, but imagine how crappy missing the wedding would be. Or even just flying in at the last minute, you'll be spending all that money to get there and then not get any time to actually enjoy being there.

And because it occurred to me and I'm a fixer, is there any way you can work remotely from not the farm? Not the day of the wedding, but the day of the rehearsal maybe? You could go into town and work from somewhere with better wifi. I know that's crappy because you're probably planning to spend the day with your friend, but then at least you'd already be there and not traveling.

I don't like this fix at all. She shouldn't be penalized because her coworker is a schmuck and her company is presumably too cheap to use the European option.

As OP, I wouldn't even offer up that as a suggestion to my boss. If the boss requests it, that's another story. But this is a mess coworker and the boss have to sort out. Coworker can be the one to work the day of his rehearsal and RD if the company won't use the European option.

The problem is, I can't remote in on public wifi for security reasons

Plus the most important time of day is when the market closes and that's when the rehearsal is... Ugh.

I don't want to make his life harder, and I'd hate to be in the position he's in, but at the same time, I worked to make sure that wouldn't happen to me, and he didn't...

PrettyGirlLost · January 2016

So you guys are involved in stocks and finance to some extent? And your coworker couldn't figure out how not to screw up scheduling his wedding date?

*shudder* That doesn't give me great confidence that he should be involved in handling large sums of other people's money :-P

Sorry, but I have null tolerance for stupidity today.

You are not making his life harder- he made his life harder by not using common sense related to your company's vacation scheduling policies. Let go of these feelings of guilt and let your boss handle this. It's what he/she gets paid to do.

teddygirl9 · January 2016

"Sorry, I've already booked my tickets. Nonrefundable."

Totally not fair that he's even asking you to do that.

JediElizabeth · January 2016

I understand that it's specialized, but if this is in August, management should be able to find a solution, even if it means training someone else in the company to be an alternate. What would they do if one of you went on short term disability or maternity/paternity leave? What if there was an energency that prevented one of you from coming in when the other was out of state/country on vacation?

Not that it's your problem or decision. I just am continuously amazed by how cheap corporations are with some of the most important areas of their company.

frenchiekin · January 2016

teddygirl9 said:

"Sorry, I've already booked my tickets. Nonrefundable."
Totally not fair that he's even asking you to do that.

This. The end. As another PP said, you're not making his life harder, he is.

Would he change his plans for you if the roles were reversed? I'm willing to bet you have your answer right there.

KnickerGold · January 2016

PrettyGirlLost said:

So you guys are involved in stocks and finance to some extent? And your coworker couldn't figure out how not to screw up scheduling his wedding date?

*shudder* That doesn't give me great confidence that he should be involved in handling large sums of other people's money :-P

Sorry, but I have null tolerance for stupidity today.

You are not making his life harder- he made his life harder by not using common sense related to your company's vacation scheduling policies. Let go of these feelings of guilt and let your boss handle this. It's what he/she gets paid to do.

Bonds, not stocks, but yeah. I don't think he 'didn't think to screw it up' I think he saw my dates, didn't care and did what he wanted. He's a jerk like that. He asks me a few times a week 'Oh you haven't started your wedding diet I see?"

PrettyGirlLost · January 2016

frenchiekin said:

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teddygirl9 said:

"Sorry, I've already booked my tickets. Nonrefundable."
Totally not fair that he's even asking you to do that.

This. The end. As another PP said, you're not making his life harder, he is.

Would he change his plans for you if the roles were reversed? I'm willing to bet you have your answer right there.

"If the wedding was local I'm sure we could find a way to make it work, but it's not. I purchased my nonrefundable plane tickets 4 months ago. . . when my PTO was approved. You are going to need to talk to our boss."

JediElizabeth said:

I understand that it's specialized, but if this is in August, management should be able to find a solution, even if it means training someone else in the company to be an alternate. What would they do if one of you went on short term disability or maternity/paternity leave? What if there was an energency that prevented one of you from coming in when the other was out of state/country on vacation? Not that it's your problem or decision. I just am continuously amazed by how cheap corporations are with some of the most important areas of their company.

And this.

JediElizabeth · January 2016

KnickerGold said:
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PrettyGirlLost said:

So you guys are involved in stocks and finance to some extent? And your coworker couldn't figure out how not to screw up scheduling his wedding date?

*shudder* That doesn't give me great confidence that he should be involved in handling large sums of other people's money :-P

Sorry, but I have null tolerance for stupidity today.

You are not making his life harder- he made his life harder by not using common sense related to your company's vacation scheduling policies. Let go of these feelings of guilt and let your boss handle this. It's what he/she gets paid to do.

Bonds, not stocks, but yeah. I don't think he 'didn't think to screw it up' I think he saw my dates, didn't care and did what he wanted. He's a jerk like that. He asks me a few times a week 'Oh you haven't started your wedding diet I see?"

Well, fuck him. If you at all feel bad about causing your boss stress, or are pressured to give in and make things easy on him, this is all the proof you need that he is 100% not worth your consideration.

KnickerGold · January 2016

frenchiekin said:

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teddygirl9 said:

"Sorry, I've already booked my tickets. Nonrefundable."
Totally not fair that he's even asking you to do that.

This. The end. As another PP said, you're not making his life harder, he is.

Would he change his plans for you if the roles were reversed? I'm willing to bet you have your answer right there.

Haha not a chance. Of course, I'd never ask, since I find that rude.

glasgowtolondon · January 2016

Yep, as @JediElizabeth says, fuck him!

SP29 · January 2016

Since you've already booked the time off, bought your tickets, and you went through the proper channels of getting the time off (including checking with your co-worker), I would NOT change your dates and let your manager/director figure it out for your co-worker. It's your co-workers problem, not yours. Keep yourself out of it.

I get it when there are only two people and ideally only one person can be off at a time. My husband's company is like this- there are literally 2 structural engineers. He had planned to take the day off for our anniversary last week, but his co-worker had already taken vacation time and an emergency file came in, so off he went to work that day. You plan things out before hand, deal with what you must, and even more reason why you don't book something and expect it to work out.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2016

KnickerGold said:

show previous quotes

PrettyGirlLost said:

So you guys are involved in stocks and finance to some extent? And your coworker couldn't figure out how not to screw up scheduling his wedding date?

*shudder* That doesn't give me great confidence that he should be involved in handling large sums of other people's money :-P

Sorry, but I have null tolerance for stupidity today.

You are not making his life harder- he made his life harder by not using common sense related to your company's vacation scheduling policies. Let go of these feelings of guilt and let your boss handle this. It's what he/she gets paid to do.

Bonds, not stocks, but yeah. I don't think he 'didn't think to screw it up' I think he saw my dates, didn't care and did what he wanted. He's a jerk like that. He asks me a few times a week 'Oh you haven't started your wedding diet I see?"

ORLY?!

Guy is a fucking dick. This changes my hypothetical responses if I were you. . .

"Guy, you have much bigger worries in your life than my wedding diet. . .like how fucking furious your FI is going to be when she find out you have to work the Friday of your own rehearsal since apparently you forgot how scheduling PTO works around here. Have fun with that. I sure wouldn't want to deal with a pissed off bride the night before my wedding."

KnickerGold · January 2016

SP29 said:

Since you've already booked the time off, bought your tickets, and you went through the proper channels of getting the time off (including checking with your co-worker), I would NOT change your dates and let your manager/director figure it out for your co-worker. It's your co-workers problem, not yours. Keep yourself out of it.

I get it when there are only two people and ideally only one person can be off at a time. My husband's company is like this- there are literally 2 structural engineers. He had planned to take the day off for our anniversary last week, but his co-worker had already taken vacation time and an emergency file came in, so off he went to work that day. You plan things out before hand, deal with what you must, and even more reason why you don't book something and expect it to work out.

To be fair, I didn't check with him regarding the August date, just my wedding date (October) because at the time he 1)hadn't put anything in the system 2)wasn't even engaged yet, so I had no reason to think this might be an issue!

aurianna · January 2016

KnickerGold said:

show previous quotes

PrettyGirlLost said:

So you guys are involved in stocks and finance to some extent? And your coworker couldn't figure out how not to screw up scheduling his wedding date?

*shudder* That doesn't give me great confidence that he should be involved in handling large sums of other people's money :-P

Sorry, but I have null tolerance for stupidity today.

You are not making his life harder- he made his life harder by not using common sense related to your company's vacation scheduling policies. Let go of these feelings of guilt and let your boss handle this. It's what he/she gets paid to do.

Bonds, not stocks, but yeah. I don't think he 'didn't think to screw it up' I think he saw my dates, didn't care and did what he wanted. He's a jerk like that. He asks me a few times a week 'Oh you haven't started your wedding diet I see?"

Oh helllll no

Don't feel bad about being the "bad guy" here. It's not possible.

Now, I suppose you could talk to your boss first. Let boss know that coworker had recently mentioned also wanting to take PTO the days you had approved and you just wanted to let him know as far in advance as possible in case special arrangements need to be made. But I'm not sure you even really need to do that.

And seriously... what? He's the groom and it's an in-town wedding? I just took off two hours early the Friday before my wedding. Not sure what he thinks he needs to be doing the two days before his wedding, but he has months and months and months to get those things done ahead of time.

frenchiekin · January 2016

KnickerGold said:

show previous quotes

PrettyGirlLost said:

So you guys are involved in stocks and finance to some extent? And your coworker couldn't figure out how not to screw up scheduling his wedding date?

*shudder* That doesn't give me great confidence that he should be involved in handling large sums of other people's money :-P

Sorry, but I have null tolerance for stupidity today.

You are not making his life harder- he made his life harder by not using common sense related to your company's vacation scheduling policies. Let go of these feelings of guilt and let your boss handle this. It's what he/she gets paid to do.

Bonds, not stocks, but yeah. I don't think he 'didn't think to screw it up' I think he saw my dates, didn't care and did what he wanted. He's a jerk like that. He asks me a few times a week 'Oh you haven't started your wedding diet I see?"

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I would be doing him zero favors. In fact, I'd be doing the opposite of favors for him. What a fucking prick.

banana468 · January 2016

You're not wrong to be pissed. IMO sometimes you need to be prepared to put a vacation on hold in the time of a crisis. This is not one of those times.

I'd be really blunt and say that unfortunately you are booked to be out of state at that time and cannot move that time.

And if they take away your vacation day, I'd probably fight it and say, "Look - if you jerk me over like this I'm going to call in sick that day."

As PPs said, that's how you plan a wedding. I didn't create a wedding date and then play pretty please in the office. I found a date that worked for DH, me and our VIPs and went with it.

And if he kept up the shots about a wedding diet I'd probably say, "Dude, if you keep making comments like this I'm going to tell HR that you're harassing me."

[Deleted User] · January 2016

KnickerGold said:

show previous quotes

SP29 said:

Since you've already booked the time off, bought your tickets, and you went through the proper channels of getting the time off (including checking with your co-worker), I would NOT change your dates and let your manager/director figure it out for your co-worker. It's your co-workers problem, not yours. Keep yourself out of it.

I get it when there are only two people and ideally only one person can be off at a time. My husband's company is like this- there are literally 2 structural engineers. He had planned to take the day off for our anniversary last week, but his co-worker had already taken vacation time and an emergency file came in, so off he went to work that day. You plan things out before hand, deal with what you must, and even more reason why you don't book something and expect it to work out.

To be fair, I didn't check with him regarding the August date, just my wedding date (October) because at the time he 1)hadn't put anything in the system 2)wasn't even engaged yet, so I had no reason to think this might be an issue!

Wait. So YOU checked with HIM before you scheduled your WEDDING??? But he didn't check with his company before he scheduled his? Nope. So much nope. Not your circus, not your monkeys. You have plans, you have approved vacation time, you have plane tickets. Nope.

frenchiekin · January 2016

aurianna said:

show previous quotes

KnickerGold said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

So you guys are involved in stocks and finance to some extent? And your coworker couldn't figure out how not to screw up scheduling his wedding date?

*shudder* That doesn't give me great confidence that he should be involved in handling large sums of other people's money :-P

Sorry, but I have null tolerance for stupidity today.

You are not making his life harder- he made his life harder by not using common sense related to your company's vacation scheduling policies. Let go of these feelings of guilt and let your boss handle this. It's what he/she gets paid to do.

Bonds, not stocks, but yeah. I don't think he 'didn't think to screw it up' I think he saw my dates, didn't care and did what he wanted. He's a jerk like that. He asks me a few times a week 'Oh you haven't started your wedding diet I see?"

Oh helllll no

Don't feel bad about being the "bad guy" here. It's not possible.

Now, I suppose you could talk to your boss first. Let boss know that coworker had recently mentioned also wanting to take PTO the days you had approved and you just wanted to let him know as far in advance as possible in case special arrangements need to be made. But I'm not sure you even really need to do that.

And seriously... what? He's the groom and it's an in-town wedding? I just took off two hours early the Friday before my wedding. Not sure what he thinks he needs to be doing the two days before his wedding, but he has months and months and months to get those things done ahead of time.

I wouldn't even go there if your boss can also be kind of a jerk. That could potentially open yourself up to being asked if you could change your dates, since it's "his WEDDING!!!" and being put on the spot/pressured/threatened by my boss I'm not sure what kind of concessions I'd be strong-armed into making. Don't invite that shit in. It's his problem.

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