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Wedding Etiquette Forum
classyduck
member
"Entertainment Potluck" bachelorette party...
A friend of mine's sister is getting married. Friend is MOH, and is thinking ahead to the bachelorette party (won't be till next year anyway). She started a facebook group to plan it with the wedding party and other close friends, and also as a way to notify people of preliminary invites (I guess kind of like a save the date).
Her plan is to have the party at a local hotel that has one of the bride's favorite restaurants/bars, and also a really awesome pool, etc. That is the part the bride knows about. But the second half of the party, which is supposed to be a bit of a surprise... is odd.
Background: MOH and Bride and their closest friends (several of whom are in bridal party) all grew up together on the same street. One of the things they used to do as kids was put on silly "shows" for their parents. It is a very fond memory for all of them.
So MOH thought it would be fun if guests coming to the party put together some kind of silly little skit (can be anything, lip-syncing, whatever) and we would all perform for the bride, the guest of honor. Some people are teaming up, some are going solo. The idea is just to create silliness, and I'm sure people will think of things that will make the bride laugh. I thought it was unconventional, but fine, kind of a cute idea.
Here's where the problem starts. She made it clear that this is a co-ed bachelorette party, and that SOs are welcome to attend. But she just messaged me complaining that someone wants to bring their SO, but their SO doesn't want to "perform." He's a little shy, I guess. MOH said to me that "she put her foot down" and said if he doesn't want to perform, he can't come. Apparently, MOH is *requiring* that everyone who attends does some kind of performance. I thought it was going to be something that was encouraged, but not required.
I don't know how I feel about this. I'm uncomfortable that it is a surprise. I know the bride, and I wonder how she would feel if she knew her sister was insisting that guests to her bachelorette party put on a show for her.
So, MOH has asked for constructive criticism... I'm not sure if I should say anything. To me this sort of feels like a "potluck", but instead of food, we are bringing the entertainment. I know a potluck isn't rude as long as it is clear from the beginning that is the nature of the party. So I did tell her that I didn't realize performing was required, and that I would make sure that is explicitly clear to all the guests.
Her plan is to have the party at a local hotel that has one of the bride's favorite restaurants/bars, and also a really awesome pool, etc. That is the part the bride knows about. But the second half of the party, which is supposed to be a bit of a surprise... is odd.
Background: MOH and Bride and their closest friends (several of whom are in bridal party) all grew up together on the same street. One of the things they used to do as kids was put on silly "shows" for their parents. It is a very fond memory for all of them.
So MOH thought it would be fun if guests coming to the party put together some kind of silly little skit (can be anything, lip-syncing, whatever) and we would all perform for the bride, the guest of honor. Some people are teaming up, some are going solo. The idea is just to create silliness, and I'm sure people will think of things that will make the bride laugh. I thought it was unconventional, but fine, kind of a cute idea.
Here's where the problem starts. She made it clear that this is a co-ed bachelorette party, and that SOs are welcome to attend. But she just messaged me complaining that someone wants to bring their SO, but their SO doesn't want to "perform." He's a little shy, I guess. MOH said to me that "she put her foot down" and said if he doesn't want to perform, he can't come. Apparently, MOH is *requiring* that everyone who attends does some kind of performance. I thought it was going to be something that was encouraged, but not required.
I don't know how I feel about this. I'm uncomfortable that it is a surprise. I know the bride, and I wonder how she would feel if she knew her sister was insisting that guests to her bachelorette party put on a show for her.
So, MOH has asked for constructive criticism... I'm not sure if I should say anything. To me this sort of feels like a "potluck", but instead of food, we are bringing the entertainment. I know a potluck isn't rude as long as it is clear from the beginning that is the nature of the party. So I did tell her that I didn't realize performing was required, and that I would make sure that is explicitly clear to all the guests.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: "Entertainment Potluck" bachelorette party...
This sounds really awkward. I have fond memories of playing barbies with my childhood best friend and "fumbleia" with my siblings as a kid but can't see how that would be fun now.
Instead of making it explicitly clear that all guests must perform, MOH needs to take a step back and understand that this needs to be completely voluntary. To say that someone can't come because they do not feel comfortable putting on a ridiculous performance is really rude.
For my personal opinion, I would be dreading the fuck out of this party, even if I knew most of the people there. I am super self-conscious about stuff like that. Having to make up skits in school or for team building shit as an adult is my personal hell. This is a know your crowd thing - and why it is best to make this optional and not make people feel bad for being uncomfortable.
I'd ask the MOH to look at it from the bride's POV. Would she rather someone there and not perform, or by have them there at all? Only a BSC bride would go with the former, and hopefully the MOH will realize that.
I would tell MOH that you LOVE the idea, but that some people are not natural performers and it may make some guests uncomfortable. It sounds like enough people are choosing to participate as-is, and telling people they can only come if they perform (in front of some people they may not even know) is rude. OR you can tell guests what's up, and then let MOH think everyone will perform, but once the party starts, tell her some people are not performing. I doubt the bride would allow MOH to kick people out once they are there.
I agree that it could be really awkward. I think she is trying to avoid it being awkward with the "misery loves company" logic?
I think part of the problem is that MOH really has no money, but she wants to do something special and thoughtful for her sister. So, this is something sentimental and fun that doesn't cost her anything. She's being really touchy about it... I sent her a FB message: "Oh... I didn't realize performing was a *requirement* to attend... the poll made it sound optional. I would make that explicitly clear. I have a feeling there are others who don't realize that." She reiterated that she STATED people had to perform if they want to come. I looked back... here is the post she is referencing:
"The question has come up about inviting boyfriends/husbands etc to which I have responded that if the gentleman friends are ok with performing and being honorary girlfriends/goofballs for a night then OF COURSE they can come."
To me, "if gentleman friends are ok with performing" doesn't sound like "everyone is required to perform".
Anyway, it remains that I think this is a bad idea to make required. If it were optional, then the people who are enthused about it will probably end up being really funny and doing something hilarious and that will probably diffuse any awkwardness that could result from forced performances.
She asked for constructive criticism, so I guess I'll tell her my thoughts.
her response:
"but can you see what a disaster it would be if some people are allowed to sit out? then others wont feel comfortable or want to do it. lord knows id rather not but i was trying to think of a cost effective and pertinent suprise for my sister so im overcoming my stage fright"
Um, disaster? Yikes, I have no idea why she's being so touchy about this. I think it would be a disaster if people felt like they had to do something and felt really awkward about it. Sigh, I'll try and explain it to her, but I think this is going to be a loosing battle. Oh well, not my party...
Maybe I should just show her this thread...
So she already knows that it will be awkward and people don't want to do it. I'd mention that to her - something like "friend, I get that your heart is in the right place, but you already can see how this will be uncomfortable for people. Why don't we just play fun board games or CAH or charades or something laid back like that?"
. . . I think this sounds a bit juvenile and definitely very awkward.
Just because I used to reenact musical numbers from Disney movies with my siblings and cousins as a child, doesn't mean I want to see them do that as adults at my bachlorette party.
People should never ever be forced into performing or public speaking in front of a group, especially a group of peers. That can be it's own terrifying special kind of personal hell for someone.
Is the MOH going to physically eject ppl from the party if they refuse to perform?
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I am socially awkward and no way in hell would I perform. A PP mentioned "personal hell" and I completely agree with that sentiment. She has to realize that she's going to make people not want to come-- not want to come to her sister's celebration! -- because she's forcing people to act like lunatics. That's remarkably unfair.
She really needs to take a step back and either make this second part optional, or just scrap this second part from the plan. It's not right to force anyone to do anything they are not comfortable with.
On another note, is only the second part of the bachelorette co-ed or is the entire part? I'm just curious about that part.
If she still wants to do something special, maybe just a performance by the bridesmaids (if all are willing), or think of some fun bachelorette games to play. I think she's putting a lot of pressure on herself to make this ZOMG THE PERFECT PARTY EVER and is becoming defensive because she sees the holes in the plan.
1) It's awkward for people who were not part of this friend-group- as PPs mentioned, comes across as clique-y.
2) It is HORRIBLE to require part guests to do anything, much less something that is legitimately the most common phobia in the world I think. If the "inner group" of friends is really so into the idea they should have no problem if they're the only ones who put on sketches.
3) Honestly this party sounds not fun to attend even if I was agreeable to the performing aspect- I get a second-hand embarrassment for people very easily and would be gritting my teeth the whole time watching people put on dumb skits that are probably not funny to the majority of the crowd and likely to be very inside-joke-y.
4) Why do we have to have formal "entertainment" at parties anyway- people are adults and can entertain themselves by just talking and drinking.
I think the best bet is to way scale back this whole "talent show" idea and have the childhood friends just do their own little sketch as a present for the bride and let that be that. It's nice that you're trying to be sensitive to MOH's feeling but I would have to speak up and say outright that it's rude to require guests to do something they aren't comfortable with.
But now that you have clarified that there are people who were not part of this childhood group, as well as spouses, it got weird and as a guest I would not be OK with this.
When I was younger I had a friend who, along with her two sisters, was very involved in dance (me, not so much). But we all loved the spice girls. So my friend would choreograph, and we'd all pick a Spice Girl to be and lip sync and dance to the songs. Not that we're all friends anymore, but if we were, and it was JUST that group, and I'd had a few glasses of wine, despite hating public performing, I'd dance and lip sync the night away
I agree that I also don't see why there needs to be entertainment. You will all already be at a hotel, with dinner, bar and pool.... what more needs to happen?
If I was with ONLY my very very best girlfriends and we were having a silly, wine-filled girls night, I would possibly consider this - but more likely if it just happened that way, and wasn't a planned and choreographed stage performance. Under no other circumstances would I come anywhere near this party.
I stand by my idea that you should tell people the MOH wants everyone to participate, but that they will not be FORCED to do so once the party begins. I highly doubt MOH will throw a fit at the party if people refuse to perform, and if she does, SHE will be the one out of line.
WTF, why didn't you tell me you were getting married/are married?! I had to find out on a bridal forum?!
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Same as above... I think this will come to a head before the party because she's going to try and get committments from people so she can make up the program fliers.
You NAILED it.
I do have to say, she actually threw my bachelorette party and it was the best bachelorette party ever. My friends chipped in to get a limo for us all, and we went out to eat at an awesome local place, and then took the limo to the city and saw a nerdy star-trek themed burlesque show (The Wrack of Khan!). Booze, Boobs, and Star Trek. I was in heaven. By the way, my bachelorette was also co-ed-- in fact my (now) Husband even came to it! Which I was fine with, actually I really liked it. We all had a blast. I can't remember who asked, but I think this whole party that she is planning is all co-ed.
So, people who came with were joking with me "You really ought to get married more often because this is awesome" because the party was so great. So I don't know if she feels like there is a bar that has been set or something?
Man I really wish I could show her this thread. You all make such convincing arguments. But I could sense her getting really defensive when I suggested she rethink this... so I'm hesitant to push. She's a grown woman and can make her own decisions, I just wish she had better perspective on this idea. I will probably reuse some of the phrasing in this thread anyway at some point so thanks to all who have chimed in!
I also grew up choreographing dances and doing skits with my cousins. We loved it. In fact my aunt re-wrote the Brady Bunch theme for us when my Grandpa got remarried. It was super hilarious and a super fond memory.
Fast forward to college. Still a theatre kid, so not shy on stage. In my concert band we went on a small tour. Newbies got assigned to "entertainment" which meant we had to come up with skits for the entire band to be performed after dinner at a few stops. One of the crew was super creative and there was at least one hilarious and memorable skit. It was a great idea and I had a really fun time.
The next year I went on another tour with the band. Because it was a special thing and nobody was a newbie, they just assigned people to crews. I got entertainment crew again. But this time we had no idea person. The three of us on the crew were terrible with coming up with ideas and the other two girls hated performing in front of the crowd (possibly because they knew the ideas were bad and couldn't commit). They were THE MOST AWKWARD and terrible skits I have ever been a part of. It's not my most embarassing memory, but thinking of it still fills me with the embarrased shame at how bad it was.
I think that if you make it optional, you'll get a bunch of skits like my first tour. Someone will have a great idea and everyone will be on board. It will be fun and funny if a little bit stupid. If you make it required, there will be a bunch of things like my second tour, where no one wants to be there and the ideas are terrible (but the best you could come up with). That's my super long winded warning.
Talk about fremdschämen, which another PP already mentioned in this thread. Not only is it embarrassing, but it's often painful to endure.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
This would literally be me if I was forced to perform.
My style really is just uncensored and blunt, and so I tried to craft a response to her that was similarly candid yet (hopefully!) kind enough for her to accept. She knows me well enough to know that I tend to be a logical and blunt person, and I guess I banked on that a bit. Anyway, keeping all this in mind, here is what I sent her (many of you will see echos and partial plagiarism of things you posted in this thread -- and so thank you, VERY much, for informing my dialogue!):
So again, my thanks, and apologies, for some of the blatant plagiarisms, but I hope you all know how grateful I am for the help with the rationale and the wording.
Also I welcome any critique on my own comments to her...
She did such a wonderful job on my Bach, I hope she can turn this around and coordinate a bang-up party for her sister. She has the time.
At home I am occasionally asked to perform at a party or a club meeting. I do not like it. It is stressful, especially now that I am retired. Would you ask a Doctor to do a free physical at a party? How about free law advice from an attorney at a party? No? Then don't ask me to perform!!!!!!
Tomorrow they're "hosting" a potluck - they actually called it like it is. I'm pretty sure I'm not going.
In short, potlucks are the worst. I'm not going because I have no desire to prepare something, even stopping by the store. I wouldn't go to this because I have no desire to prepare a skit, even if I'm okay with performances. And to me, if you're invited somewhere, you shouldn't feel a pressure. Pressure to prepare something creates discomfort, which a host should try to alleviate.