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Chit Chat
thisismynickname2
member
can we talk about the concept of a potluck?
thisismynickname2
member
in Chit Chat
I didn't want to post this on Etiquette but it's been gnawing at me.
I absolutely expect a wedding to be fully hosted. My cost as a guest is travel and a gift. I absolutely expect a shower to be fully hosted. My cost as a guest is travel and a gift.
When friends 'host' parties (or let's say invite people to spend a few hours at their house), I never mind if it's BYOB or BYOSDTS (bring your own side dish to share). Also, the only other way to get a big group of people together these days is to say, "It's my birthday! Let's all meet at X Bar/Restaurant," and everyone automatically knows it's pay their own way. No one "hosts" birthday parties for the birthday person; it's just a convenient excuse for a night out.
So this brings me to the fact that there's been a lot of debate lately about bachelorette parties. By past observation, it seemed to me that most people were like me and expected to, as a guest, pay their own way (own dinner, own bar tab, own show ticket or sports event ticket, whatever). The women who plan / "host" usually coordinate the events, cover the cost of the bride (within reason, cough, plane tickets), and notify all guests in advance of expected costs. But now I'm seeing more people say that the hostesses should be actually hosting and they as guests shouldn't be expected to contribute anything. By personal observation, the hostesses may cover all the costs incurred of having anything at a home-- like, I've bought food and booze for all the guests to share when they come to a home. But, once we leave and go to dinner and bars, the guests are paying their own way. I honestly don't see a single thing wrong with this. And, in fact, if hostesses (usually the bridesmaids/MOH) are on the hook, etiquette wise, for entirely hosting a bachelorette party, I could see no one ever offering a party again because it would be so darn expensive. More expensive than a standard at-home bridal shower, that's for sure.
Thoughts?
I absolutely expect a wedding to be fully hosted. My cost as a guest is travel and a gift. I absolutely expect a shower to be fully hosted. My cost as a guest is travel and a gift.
When friends 'host' parties (or let's say invite people to spend a few hours at their house), I never mind if it's BYOB or BYOSDTS (bring your own side dish to share). Also, the only other way to get a big group of people together these days is to say, "It's my birthday! Let's all meet at X Bar/Restaurant," and everyone automatically knows it's pay their own way. No one "hosts" birthday parties for the birthday person; it's just a convenient excuse for a night out.
So this brings me to the fact that there's been a lot of debate lately about bachelorette parties. By past observation, it seemed to me that most people were like me and expected to, as a guest, pay their own way (own dinner, own bar tab, own show ticket or sports event ticket, whatever). The women who plan / "host" usually coordinate the events, cover the cost of the bride (within reason, cough, plane tickets), and notify all guests in advance of expected costs. But now I'm seeing more people say that the hostesses should be actually hosting and they as guests shouldn't be expected to contribute anything. By personal observation, the hostesses may cover all the costs incurred of having anything at a home-- like, I've bought food and booze for all the guests to share when they come to a home. But, once we leave and go to dinner and bars, the guests are paying their own way. I honestly don't see a single thing wrong with this. And, in fact, if hostesses (usually the bridesmaids/MOH) are on the hook, etiquette wise, for entirely hosting a bachelorette party, I could see no one ever offering a party again because it would be so darn expensive. More expensive than a standard at-home bridal shower, that's for sure.
Thoughts?
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This discussion has been closed.
Re: can we talk about the concept of a potluck?
I think it's generally understood that if you are going out, you pay your own way. I can't imagine hosting a bachelorette party and paying for the entire thing, including bar tabs, etc. That would just be WAY too expensive!
I've also never received a formal invite to a b-party. It's all been word of mouth coordination going on. "Hey, we are getting together on 'x' date for bride's b-party, want to come?"
How about we change the word from 'host' to 'coordinator.' Maybe that is why people are getting confused of thinking that this person(s) are supposed to pay for everything. These people aren't hosting anything. They are just coordinating the night.
If I get an a piece of paper that says "you are invited" then I think it's a hosted event. If I get a text or phone call that says "hey we are going out on Friday, do you want to come or join us?", I'm assuming I'm on my own.
I agree with you that if it is something out somewhere, each person is on their own; something at a house I will assume you are taking care of refreshments although I as a guest will ask if you need me to bring anything. We've been to some events (such as birthday gathering) where the person planning/"hosting" did pay for everyone but it wasn't expected, and I know we've still offered $$ anyway.
When friends have gatherings at their homes usually they provide the main course and a few other items and guests bring side dish or dessert. Sometimes there's 3 things of humus or 2 veggie trays but it is ok it all works out.
I don't have a problem with potluck parties. As in, "Hey anyone want to get together for a game night or a movie night? Ok, great! I'll make chili and mac and cheese, feel free to bring an app or another side dish. We've got enough booze to stock a bar, including beer, but if there's something you particularly love, feel to bring it."
Except that in my circle we never have to ask ppl to bring an app or a side dish, everyone automatically asks "Hey, can I bring anything?" or "Hey, I'll make my famous buffalo chicken dip" because that's just how we were all raised. You always offer to bring something or help in some way, even if you know an event is going to be fully hosted.
And we have fully hosted social events too. But everyone somehow knows the difference between a fully hosted party and a potluck shindig.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
My daughter's bp - her MOH organized a bus trip to some New York wineries. Everyone called the bus company to pay for their reservations. MOH paid for DD and one of the bms surprised her with a corsage.
Actually, I get irrationally irritated when people show up with food with out asking first. We know everyone's likes and dislikes and for the most part everything they like is always in the house. If not we run out before they get there.
I actually bought a counter top ice maker because we ended up asking for friends to bring ice because we didn't have any. It annoyed me so much I bought the ice machine.
I expect to be fully hosted when you give me an invitation. It is one thing to say "I'm thinking it would be great if we did thanksgiving potluck so no one had to cook everything-are you on board?" Or "I think a memorial day potluck bbq would be fun and we can have it at my house! You game?" But if you bait and switch me by inviting me to your house and pulling the potluck card after I accept or try to make it look like you are formally hosting but are already dictating the requirements of what they have to bring when you issue the invite, then we're done. I've had that happen. It's certainly not relationship ending, but I will be far less likely to accept any more "invitations" from you and it will change the relationship. As soon as you expect other people to chip in, you need to be seeking the input of the potential participants, not acting like a host.
For parties my H & I host - we always have more than enough food & booze that we provide. Usually too much and we're eating leftovers for days. Our crowd will always ask if they can bring anything and the response is always, we have plenty but if you want to bring a beverage; unless they say can I bring an app, sweet, side, etc. The response is always, sure, but don't feel obligated.
I don't think we've ever hosted an actual potluck. We did do a beer pairing dinner once with 3 couples (held at our house) - we did the main course and the other 2 did the apps and dessert. Not sure if that counts. Our brew club regularly holds potlucks.
Actually, I get irrationally irritated when people show up with food with out asking first. We know everyone's likes and dislikes and for the most part everything they like is always in the house. If not we run out before they get there.
I actually bought a counter top ice maker because we ended up asking for friends to bring ice because we didn't have any. It annoyed me so much I bought the ice machine.
Yes this. Please do not show up with your famous buffalo chicken dip. I worked really hard on selecting a nice menu and making everything and I don't want you a) contributing something gross or b) contributing something fabulous and stealing my limelight! If I say "just bring yourself" but you feel you must bring something, a bottle of wine, box of chocolates, or flowers as a hostess gift would be a lovely gesture that doesn't bring with it the implication that you doubted my hostessing skills.
Also when I host people at a restaurant we go to the local taqueria where I can get dinner and drinks for 6 for $150, not Per Se.
I think you run into B-party issues when the MOH thinks she's in charge. If you're expecting me to pay my own way for something, I would also expect that you ask my opinion on doing that thing. In the normal potluck example: "Do you guys want to have a potluck? Would it help if I assigned categories so we don't end up all bringing dessert?" For a bachelorette, "How do people feel about a pole-dancing class for $40pp?" Make it clear that the bride would really like something, and my opinion may change. Also, when the MOH can decide who is and is not invited, I think the hosting lines get pretty blurry.
I don't think I've ever been to a bachelorette party. Am I the only one? I would assume, if it's at a restaurant or bar, it's pay your own portion with everyone contributing a few bucks for the bride to be?
All the boys would create a menu, buy and cook the food (okay, DH was mostly the only cook). Very protein heavy.
They always took care of known dietary issues. So if they knew M was coming, then a grilled chicken was available since that is all she ate. If the only vegetarian was coming, they would have something available for her. They were really good about making sure people had something to eat.
Us girls just sat around watching football and drinking (sometimes complained at the lack of a veggie). Didn't even really clean because J had a cleaning lady come Monday morning (he paid very well).
We would have 6-20 people each Sunday. People would sometimes bring their own drinks or desert, but it wasn't always necessary since J and M's always had stocked refrigerators.
Those were not really potlucks to me. Just people who liked to eat together every Sunday and it was always at J and M's condos because it was practical.
Yes this. Please do not show up with your famous buffalo chicken dip. I worked really hard on selecting a nice menu and making everything and I don't want you a) contributing something gross or b) contributing something fabulous and stealing my limelight! If I say "just bring yourself" but you feel you must bring something, a bottle of wine, box of chocolates, or flowers as a hostess gift would be a lovely gesture that doesn't bring with it the implication that you doubted my hostessing skills.
Also when I host people at a restaurant we go to the local taqueria where I can get dinner and drinks for 6 for $150, not Per Se.
I think you guys misunderstood my post.
When we know it's a hosted event, we don't just show up with a surprise dish. We ask if we can help or bring anything, and if the answer is no, then we bring wine. Depending on the host I might make a flower arrangement for them.
When we know it's a potluck event, we coordinate what to bring with the person who's hosting the event, as in its at their house and they are proving the main dishes.
I think you guys are projecting your insecurites or anxieties if a guest bringing a dish to your dinner offends you that much, though ;-) If a guest is actually doing that as a passive aggressive commentary of your culinary skills, then they are probably a turd and you should stop inviting them.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Do you bring a dish to a wedding reception? Of course, not. You know you will be hosted properly.
Same thing when we invite you to our house. We are hosting. We have made a menu. DH has made a shit ton of food. Then you show up with a dish that is suppose to be eaten at the party. No. Now you are making ME figure out how to incorporate it into our plans. Often times it creates food waste.
I'm fine if people bring a hostess gift. Bottle of wine I can open at a later date? Flowers? A small gift? Bring them on. Even a dish that is not expected to be eaten at the said party would be fine.
It's flat out rude to bring a dish to a hosted event without asking first.
Same goes for holidays with family. It is at one person's house and they do the meat and maybe a side or two, but everyone who comes contributes a side dish or two. Potlucks are just the norm and expected.
The expectation of paying your own way or being a potluck transfers whenever someone is having a bachelorette party. No one foots the bill for everyone because no one can afford that.
It's when a friend says, "Hey, you're invited to our place for dinner on Thursday - but it's a potluck, so be sure to bring your own dinner" that I get irritated.
When we know it's a hosted event, we don't just show up with a surprise dish. We ask if we can help or bring anything, and if the answer is no, then we bring wine. Depending on the host I might make a flower arrangement for them.
When we know it's a potluck event, we coordinate what to bring with the person who's hosting the event, as in its at their house and they are proving the main dishes.
I think you guys are projecting your insecurites or anxieties if a guest bringing a dish to your dinner offends you that much, though ;-) If a guest is actually doing that as a passive aggressive commentary of your culinary skills, then they are probably a turd and you should stop inviting them.
Eh maybe. But I think an obsessive need to always bring something and never show up empty handed is rooted in insecurity too.