Just want to point out that people do host other people at restaurants! It happens! And I never ask anyone to bring anything when I entertain. I invited you, I want to host you!
We are the same way. We often pick up the tab when going out with family or friends. We also do not expect people to bring anything if we invite them over to our house.
Actually, I get irrationally irritated when people show up with food with out asking first. We know everyone's likes and dislikes and for the most part everything they like is always in the house. If not we run out before they get there.
I actually bought a counter top ice maker because we ended up asking for friends to bring ice because we didn't have any. It annoyed me so much I bought the ice machine.
Yes this. Please do not show up with your famous buffalo chicken dip. I worked really hard on selecting a nice menu and making everything and I don't want you a) contributing something gross or b) contributing something fabulous and stealing my limelight! If I say "just bring yourself" but you feel you must bring something, a bottle of wine, box of chocolates, or flowers as a hostess gift would be a lovely gesture that doesn't bring with it the implication that you doubted my hostessing skills.
Also when I host people at a restaurant we go to the local taqueria where I can get dinner and drinks for 6 for $150, not Per Se.
I think you guys misunderstood my post.
When we know it's a hosted event, we don't just show up with a surprise dish. We ask if we can help or bring anything, and if the answer is no, then we bring wine. Depending on the host I might make a flower arrangement for them.
When we know it's a potluck event, we coordinate what to bring with the person who's hosting the event, as in its at their house and they are proving the main dishes.
I think you guys are projecting your insecurites or anxieties if a guest bringing a dish to your dinner offends you that much, though ;-) If a guest is actually doing that as a passive aggressive commentary of your culinary skills, then they are probably a turd and you should stop inviting them.
Eh maybe. But I think an obsessive need to always bring something and never show up empty handed is rooted in insecurity too.
Actually, I have a story about the bolded. Look, I was brought up to always ask if I could bring something. If so, great, if not, cool beans. But, I have this insecurity that I'm an asshole for not hosting at my home as much as DH's friends do. Right now DH and I do live in a one bedroom condo in the city. All his other friends have single family homes in the suburbs. One person always throws a football party, one person always throws the holiday party. It's their traditions. Well, one time one of the hosts (a husband) asked me, "So when are you guys throwing a party?" At the time, I said, "when we get a bigger home," and steered the conversation elsewhere. But it sticks in my brain that maybe this guy thinks we're mooching schmucks. It's not like I don't want to host a party, but if I did it would be very small, AND... do you go through the hassle of getting to the city just to sit in a person's small home, or would you rather use your city time to hang out with friends at a cool restaurant or bar or other activity? We usually just meet up with our friends when they want to venture in for museums or baseball or something. But I worry this guy thinks we, like, "owe" him a properly hosted party or something. Hell, how many times do people write to Dear Abby to say they think x friend takes advantage and never reciprocates? Ugh.
Just want to point out that people do host other people at restaurants! It happens! And I never ask anyone to bring anything when I entertain. I invited you, I want to host you!
We are the same way. We often pick up the tab when going out with family or friends. We also do not expect people to bring anything if we invite them over to our house.
Actually, I get irrationally irritated when people show up with food with out asking first. We know everyone's likes and dislikes and for the most part everything they like is always in the house. If not we run out before they get there.
I actually bought a counter top ice maker because we ended up asking for friends to bring ice because we didn't have any. It annoyed me so much I bought the ice machine.
Yes this. Please do not show up with your famous buffalo chicken dip. I worked really hard on selecting a nice menu and making everything and I don't want you a) contributing something gross or b) contributing something fabulous and stealing my limelight! If I say "just bring yourself" but you feel you must bring something, a bottle of wine, box of chocolates, or flowers as a hostess gift would be a lovely gesture that doesn't bring with it the implication that you doubted my hostessing skills.
Also when I host people at a restaurant we go to the local taqueria where I can get dinner and drinks for 6 for $150, not Per Se.
I think you guys misunderstood my post.
When we know it's a hosted event, we don't just show up with a surprise dish. We ask if we can help or bring anything, and if the answer is no, then we bring wine. Depending on the host I might make a flower arrangement for them.
When we know it's a potluck event, we coordinate what to bring with the person who's hosting the event, as in its at their house and they are proving the main dishes.
I think you guys are projecting your insecurites or anxieties if a guest bringing a dish to your dinner offends you that much, though ;-) If a guest is actually doing that as a passive aggressive commentary of your culinary skills, then they are probably a turd and you should stop inviting them.
Eh maybe. But I think an obsessive need to always bring something and never show up empty handed is rooted in insecurity too.
Actually, I have a story about the bolded. Look, I was brought up to always ask if I could bring something. If so, great, if not, cool beans. But, I have this insecurity that I'm an asshole for not hosting at my home as much as DH's friends do. Right now DH and I do live in a one bedroom condo in the city. All his other friends have single family homes in the suburbs. One person always throws a football party, one person always throws the holiday party. It's their traditions. Well, one time one of the hosts (a husband) asked me, "So when are you guys throwing a party?" At the time, I said, "when we get a bigger home," and steered the conversation elsewhere. But it sticks in my brain that maybe this guy thinks we're mooching schmucks. It's not like I don't want to host a party, but if I did it would be very small, AND... do you go through the hassle of getting to the city just to sit in a person's small home, or would you rather use your city time to hang out with friends at a cool restaurant or bar or other activity? We usually just meet up with our friends when they want to venture in for museums or baseball or something. But I worry this guy thinks we, like, "owe" him a properly hosted party or something. Hell, how many times do people write to Dear Abby to say they think x friend takes advantage and never reciprocates? Ugh.
Or just invite them over two at a time for dinner? I think reciprocating is lovely but doesn't need to be identical! I love throwing parties, many of my friends don't, but they reciprocate in other ways- dinner, picking up a drink, buying a movie ticket just cause. Or just a thank you note is really nice!
Just want to point out that people do host other people at restaurants! It happens! And I never ask anyone to bring anything when I entertain. I invited you, I want to host you!
We are the same way. We often pick up the tab when going out with family or friends. We also do not expect people to bring anything if we invite them over to our house.
Actually, I get irrationally irritated when people show up with food with out asking first. We know everyone's likes and dislikes and for the most part everything they like is always in the house. If not we run out before they get there.
I actually bought a counter top ice maker because we ended up asking for friends to bring ice because we didn't have any. It annoyed me so much I bought the ice machine.
Yes this. Please do not show up with your famous buffalo chicken dip. I worked really hard on selecting a nice menu and making everything and I don't want you a) contributing something gross or b) contributing something fabulous and stealing my limelight! If I say "just bring yourself" but you feel you must bring something, a bottle of wine, box of chocolates, or flowers as a hostess gift would be a lovely gesture that doesn't bring with it the implication that you doubted my hostessing skills.
Also when I host people at a restaurant we go to the local taqueria where I can get dinner and drinks for 6 for $150, not Per Se.
I think you guys misunderstood my post.
When we know it's a hosted event, we don't just show up with a surprise dish. We ask if we can help or bring anything, and if the answer is no, then we bring wine. Depending on the host I might make a flower arrangement for them.
When we know it's a potluck event, we coordinate what to bring with the person who's hosting the event, as in its at their house and they are proving the main dishes.
I think you guys are projecting your insecurites or anxieties if a guest bringing a dish to your dinner offends you that much, though ;-) If a guest is actually doing that as a passive aggressive commentary of your culinary skills, then they are probably a turd and you should stop inviting them.
I'm not projecting any insecurities.
Do you bring a dish to a wedding reception? Of course, not. You know you will be hosted properly.
Same thing when we invite you to our house. We are hosting. We have made a menu. DH has made a shit ton of food. Then you show up with a dish that is suppose to be eaten at the party. No. Now you are making ME figure out how to incorporate it into our plans. Often times it creates food waste.
I'm fine if people bring a hostess gift. Bottle of wine I can open at a later date? Flowers? A small gift? Bring them on. Even a dish that is not expected to be eaten at the said party would be fine.
It's flat out rude to bring a dish to a hosted event without asking first.
You've been on this forum long enough to know that is not a safe assumption!
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
The post I remember seeing about "potluck" b-parties involved the bridal party all traveling by plane to where the bride was and then being asked to bring a bottle of wine. In this case I feel like it's hard for these people to both travel and have a bottle of wine because they would have to either check a bag or stop for wine in an area they are unfamiliar with. If everyone was local I'd say it was nbd.
I think as long as you are upfront about either hosting or it being a potluck it's ok. When I had a surprise birthday party for my husband I told everyone I've got the food covered and will have X and Y to drink if you'd like to drink something else feel free to bring it. Most people brought drinks.
There's a couple that DH and I frequently have dinner with and it's kind of known that the person who's house it's at provides the main dish and a side and the guest brings drinks and either another side or dessert coordinated with the host and we usually alternate every other time. If we choose to go out instead it's a pay your own way.
Over the summer DH (then FI) and I were invited to a party of some acquaintances and on it was listed BYOB & BYOC. That was the first time I'd ever seen BYOC so after a few hours of guessing with some other friends I just asked turns out they meant bring your own chair... That's the first time I've heard that and we were really turned off. If you don't have enough chairs you shouldn't be hosting people unless it's like a cocktail drop by and stay for an hour or so and then leave thing but this was a dinner. Then I was even more turned off when I mentioned I was a vegetarian and wanted to know if I could bring something that fit in with what she was making to eat (being a vegetarian is my choice and I don't expect hosts to have to do extra work for me) and she told me not to bring anything because some other people coming were vegetarians too so she was making fish. I mean that's fine and all but I don't eat fish and neither do real vegetarians, if they eat fish they are pescatarians... so we declined after that.
Eh maybe. But I think an obsessive need to always bring something and never show up empty handed is rooted in insecurity too.
Actually, I have a story about the bolded. Look, I was brought up to always ask if I could bring something. If so, great, if not, cool beans. But, I have this insecurity that I'm an asshole for not hosting at my home as much as DH's friends do. Right now DH and I do live in a one bedroom condo in the city. All his other friends have single family homes in the suburbs. One person always throws a football party, one person always throws the holiday party. It's their traditions. Well, one time one of the hosts (a husband) asked me, "So when are you guys throwing a party?" At the time, I said, "when we get a bigger home," and steered the conversation elsewhere. But it sticks in my brain that maybe this guy thinks we're mooching schmucks. It's not like I don't want to host a party, but if I did it would be very small, AND... do you go through the hassle of getting to the city just to sit in a person's small home, or would you rather use your city time to hang out with friends at a cool restaurant or bar or other activity? We usually just meet up with our friends when they want to venture in for museums or baseball or something. But I worry this guy thinks we, like, "owe" him a properly hosted party or something. Hell, how many times do people write to Dear Abby to say they think x friend takes advantage and never reciprocates? Ugh.
Why does it have to be one or the other? Sometimes I like going into the city and go to the cool restaurants. Sometimes I like to be hosted by my friends. Sometimes it's both. Let's met at M's place for drinks and apps, then head to the restaurant. The average person does not care about the size of the place, only that they are hanging out with friends. I've been hosted at small places before. You have to be creative, but it can be done. Assuming if you want to host.
Like Starmoon said, some people just like hosting. Some people don't. No big deal. Reciprocation comes in different forms.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
The post I remember seeing about "potluck" b-parties involved the bridal party all traveling by plane to where the bride was and then being asked to bring a bottle of wine. In this case I feel like it's hard for these people to both travel and have a bottle of wine because they would have to either check a bag or stop for wine in an area they are unfamiliar with. If everyone was local I'd say it was nbd.
I think as long as you are upfront about either hosting or it being a potluck it's ok. When I had a surprise birthday party for my husband I told everyone I've got the food covered and will have X and Y to drink if you'd like to drink something else feel free to bring it. Most people brought drinks.
There's a couple that DH and I frequently have dinner with and it's kind of known that the person who's house it's at provides the main dish and a side and the guest brings drinks and either another side or dessert coordinated with the host and we usually alternate every other time. If we choose to go out instead it's a pay your own way.
Over the summer DH (then FI) and I were invited to a party of some acquaintances and on it was listed BYOB & BYOC. That was the first time I'd ever seen BYOC so after a few hours of guessing with some other friends I just asked turns out they meant bring your own chair... That's the first time I've heard that and we were really turned off. If you don't have enough chairs you shouldn't be hosting people unless it's like a cocktail drop by and stay for an hour or so and then leave thing but this was a dinner. Then I was even more turned off when I mentioned I was a vegetarian and wanted to know if I could bring something that fit in with what she was making to eat (being a vegetarian is my choice and I don't expect hosts to have to do extra work for me) and she told me not to bring anything because some other people coming were vegetarians too so she was making fish. I mean that's fine and all but I don't eat fish and neither do real vegetarians, if they eat fish they are pescatarians... so we declined after that.
My extended family has BYOC parties. Mostly summer back yard events. Never really thought much about it. The average family does not have some 50 chairs hanging around, but definitely have the space to hold that or more than that amount outside.
It's all in context of the event and know your crowd. If my first cousins, aunt/uncles are getting to together it's over 70 people. So we all bring our own chairs knowing that Aunt G doesn't have enough.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
Just want to point out that people do host other people at restaurants! It happens! And I never ask anyone to bring anything when I entertain. I invited you, I want to host you!
We are the same way. We often pick up the tab when going out with family or friends. We also do not expect people to bring anything if we invite them over to our house.
Actually, I get irrationally irritated when people show up with food with out asking first. We know everyone's likes and dislikes and for the most part everything they like is always in the house. If not we run out before they get there.
I actually bought a counter top ice maker because we ended up asking for friends to bring ice because we didn't have any. It annoyed me so much I bought the ice machine.
Yes this. Please do not show up with your famous buffalo chicken dip. I worked really hard on selecting a nice menu and making everything and I don't want you a) contributing something gross or b) contributing something fabulous and stealing my limelight! If I say "just bring yourself" but you feel you must bring something, a bottle of wine, box of chocolates, or flowers as a hostess gift would be a lovely gesture that doesn't bring with it the implication that you doubted my hostessing skills.
Also when I host people at a restaurant we go to the local taqueria where I can get dinner and drinks for 6 for $150, not Per Se.
I think you guys misunderstood my post.
When we know it's a hosted event, we don't just show up with a surprise dish. We ask if we can help or bring anything, and if the answer is no, then we bring wine. Depending on the host I might make a flower arrangement for them.
When we know it's a potluck event, we coordinate what to bring with the person who's hosting the event, as in its at their house and they are proving the main dishes.
I think you guys are projecting your insecurites or anxieties if a guest bringing a dish to your dinner offends you that much, though ;-) If a guest is actually doing that as a passive aggressive commentary of your culinary skills, then they are probably a turd and you should stop inviting them.
Eh maybe. But I think an obsessive need to always bring something and never show up empty handed is rooted in insecurity too.
Actually, I have a story about the bolded. Look, I was brought up to always ask if I could bring something. If so, great, if not, cool beans. But, I have this insecurity that I'm an asshole for not hosting at my home as much as DH's friends do. Right now DH and I do live in a one bedroom condo in the city. All his other friends have single family homes in the suburbs. One person always throws a football party, one person always throws the holiday party. It's their traditions. Well, one time one of the hosts (a husband) asked me, "So when are you guys throwing a party?" At the time, I said, "when we get a bigger home," and steered the conversation elsewhere. But it sticks in my brain that maybe this guy thinks we're mooching schmucks. It's not like I don't want to host a party, but if I did it would be very small, AND... do you go through the hassle of getting to the city just to sit in a person's small home, or would you rather use your city time to hang out with friends at a cool restaurant or bar or other activity? We usually just meet up with our friends when they want to venture in for museums or baseball or something. But I worry this guy thinks we, like, "owe" him a properly hosted party or something. Hell, how many times do people write to Dear Abby to say they think x friend takes advantage and never reciprocates? Ugh.
I completely felt like this when we were building our house. We were crammed into a tiny rental, with no dining table, and boxes everywhere because we didn't rent a storage unit. It was 9 months... and all our friends were constantly hosting us at their houses and I felt like such an asshole. Now we're in our new place though, I try to have a get-together every 6 months or so.
Also, at our housewarming, I didn't ask anybody to bring anything (we didn't even call it a housewarming, more of a "come over and watch the Derby and the fight later on). I had lots of food... pulled pork, brats, lots of snacks, lots of drinks, and everyone still brought stuff. I was only slightly annoyed because I spent too much money for too much food and some of it went to waste because we couldn't eat it all. But, now I know if we throw a party, that's what will happen, so I can limit what I'm providing (which will still probably be too much, but better too much than too little). So anyway, I think this depends on your crowd. Ours is just used to bringing something, especially when it's a casual party.
I will say, when we hosted Thanksgiving the two couples that came limited their food contributions to a dessert and alcohol.
Just want to point out that people do host other people at restaurants! It happens! And I never ask anyone to bring anything when I entertain. I invited you, I want to host you!
We are the same way. We often pick up the tab when going out with family or friends. We also do not expect people to bring anything if we invite them over to our house.
Actually, I get irrationally irritated when people show up with food with out asking first. We know everyone's likes and dislikes and for the most part everything they like is always in the house. If not we run out before they get there.
I actually bought a counter top ice maker because we ended up asking for friends to bring ice because we didn't have any. It annoyed me so much I bought the ice machine.
Yes this. Please do not show up with your famous buffalo chicken dip. I worked really hard on selecting a nice menu and making everything and I don't want you a) contributing something gross or b) contributing something fabulous and stealing my limelight! If I say "just bring yourself" but you feel you must bring something, a bottle of wine, box of chocolates, or flowers as a hostess gift would be a lovely gesture that doesn't bring with it the implication that you doubted my hostessing skills.
Also when I host people at a restaurant we go to the local taqueria where I can get dinner and drinks for 6 for $150, not Per Se.
I think you guys misunderstood my post.
When we know it's a hosted event, we don't just show up with a surprise dish. We ask if we can help or bring anything, and if the answer is no, then we bring wine. Depending on the host I might make a flower arrangement for them.
When we know it's a potluck event, we coordinate what to bring with the person who's hosting the event, as in its at their house and they are proving the main dishes.
I think you guys are projecting your insecurites or anxieties if a guest bringing a dish to your dinner offends you that much, though ;-) If a guest is actually doing that as a passive aggressive commentary of your culinary skills, then they are probably a turd and you should stop inviting them.
Eh maybe. But I think an obsessive need to always bring something and never show up empty handed is rooted in insecurity too.
I don't think that's an insecurity. I was taught you don't show up to someone's house empty handed. Generally speaking that would be some kind of host(ess) gift - flowers, a bottle of wine, box of chocolate. Nothing that is intended to be used or consumed at that time. As for bring extra food, I always ask if they need or want me to bring something. Hosting a large group can be a lot of pressure and I want to take some of that pressure off the host. If they say no, then I bring the aforementioned host gift.
Just want to point out that people do host other people at restaurants! It happens! And I never ask anyone to bring anything when I entertain. I invited you, I want to host you!
We are the same way. We often pick up the tab when going out with family or friends. We also do not expect people to bring anything if we invite them over to our house.
Actually, I get irrationally irritated when people show up with food with out asking first. We know everyone's likes and dislikes and for the most part everything they like is always in the house. If not we run out before they get there.
I actually bought a counter top ice maker because we ended up asking for friends to bring ice because we didn't have any. It annoyed me so much I bought the ice machine.
Yes this. Please do not show up with your famous buffalo chicken dip. I worked really hard on selecting a nice menu and making everything and I don't want you a) contributing something gross or b) contributing something fabulous and stealing my limelight! If I say "just bring yourself" but you feel you must bring something, a bottle of wine, box of chocolates, or flowers as a hostess gift would be a lovely gesture that doesn't bring with it the implication that you doubted my hostessing skills.
Also when I host people at a restaurant we go to the local taqueria where I can get dinner and drinks for 6 for $150, not Per Se.
I think you guys misunderstood my post.
When we know it's a hosted event, we don't just show up with a surprise dish. We ask if we can help or bring anything, and if the answer is no, then we bring wine. Depending on the host I might make a flower arrangement for them.
When we know it's a potluck event, we coordinate what to bring with the person who's hosting the event, as in its at their house and they are proving the main dishes.
I think you guys are projecting your insecurites or anxieties if a guest bringing a dish to your dinner offends you that much, though ;-) If a guest is actually doing that as a passive aggressive commentary of your culinary skills, then they are probably a turd and you should stop inviting them.
Eh maybe. But I think an obsessive need to always bring something and never show up empty handed is rooted in insecurity too.
I don't think that's an insecurity. I was taught you don't show up to someone's house empty handed. Generally speaking that would be some kind of host(ess) gift - flowers, a bottle of wine, box of chocolate. Nothing that is intended to be used or consumed at that time. As for bring extra food, I always ask if they need or want me to bring something. Hosting a large group can be a lot of pressure and I want to take some of that pressure off the host. If they say no, then I bring the aforementioned host gift.
Right and I distinguish between a hostess gift, always welcome, and a dish to share.
The post I remember seeing about "potluck" b-parties involved the bridal party all traveling by plane to where the bride was and then being asked to bring a bottle of wine. In this case I feel like it's hard for these people to both travel and have a bottle of wine because they would have to either check a bag or stop for wine in an area they are unfamiliar with. If everyone was local I'd say it was nbd.
I think as long as you are upfront about either hosting or it being a potluck it's ok. When I had a surprise birthday party for my husband I told everyone I've got the food covered and will have X and Y to drink if you'd like to drink something else feel free to bring it. Most people brought drinks.
There's a couple that DH and I frequently have dinner with and it's kind of known that the person who's house it's at provides the main dish and a side and the guest brings drinks and either another side or dessert coordinated with the host and we usually alternate every other time. If we choose to go out instead it's a pay your own way.
Over the summer DH (then FI) and I were invited to a party of some acquaintances and on it was listed BYOB & BYOC. That was the first time I'd ever seen BYOC so after a few hours of guessing with some other friends I just asked turns out they meant bring your own chair... That's the first time I've heard that and we were really turned off. If you don't have enough chairs you shouldn't be hosting people unless it's like a cocktail drop by and stay for an hour or so and then leave thing but this was a dinner. Then I was even more turned off when I mentioned I was a vegetarian and wanted to know if I could bring something that fit in with what she was making to eat (being a vegetarian is my choice and I don't expect hosts to have to do extra work for me) and she told me not to bring anything because some other people coming were vegetarians too so she was making fish. I mean that's fine and all but I don't eat fish and neither do real vegetarians, if they eat fish they are pescatarians... so we declined after that.
My extended family has BYOC parties. Mostly summer back yard events. Never really thought much about it. The average family does not have some 50 chairs hanging around, but definitely have the space to hold that or more than that amount outside.
It's all in context of the event and know your crowd. If my first cousins, aunt/uncles are getting to together it's over 70 people. So we all bring our own chairs knowing that Aunt G doesn't have enough.
I feel like backyard is different and if it were 50 people sure that's an unreasonable amount of chairs to have. My family too has those in the summer where each family knows to bring chairs I guess we've just always done it and not called it BYOC.
This was ~10 people for dinner in an apartment. Even with it being only 10 if it were outside I might have felt differently. Inside an apartment what were we supposed to bring, 2 dining room chairs? That'd be fun to to put in the car. Or the folding outdoor chairs?
I host all the family dinners and holidays. I don't mind volunteers offering to bring a side. I don't like surprises, though, that force me to find space in the fridge, freezer, oven or serving dishes.
Over the years, our holidays have been wonderfully and equally divided. We have fallen into a lovely and comfortable routine. The holiday host provides the main meal, most appetizers, and all beverages. For any given holiday, we have all become "known" for bringing a certain side or specialty. One SIL is infamous for her desserts. She pairs certain specialties with certain holidays and we all look forward to those treats. We've become quite the orchestrated holiday machine.
@MairePoppy, I feel you on the surprises. Someone once offered to bring garlic bread. It actually translated to bringing unsliced bread and some garlic spread. I kept being interrupted to get them butter, a spreading and cutting knife, a cutting board, and foil. Once it was baked, I then needed to find a bread basket. It was beyond more hassle than help.
But it sticks in my brain that maybe this guy thinks we're mooching schmucks. It's not like I don't want to host a party, but if I did it would be very small, AND... do you go through the hassle of getting to the city just to sit in a person's small home, or would you rather use your city time to hang out with friends at a cool restaurant or bar or other activity? We usually just meet up with our friends when they want to venture in for museums or baseball or something. But I worry this guy thinks we, like, "owe" him a properly hosted party or something.
Hell, how many times do people write to Dear Abby to say they think x friend takes advantage and never reciprocates? Ugh.
Why does it have to be one or the other? Sometimes I like going into the city and go to the cool restaurants. Sometimes I like to be hosted by my friends. Sometimes it's both. Let's met at M's place for drinks and apps, then head to the restaurant. The average person does not care about the size of the place, only that they are hanging out with friends. I've been hosted at small places before. You have to be creative, but it can be done. Assuming if you want to host.
Like Starmoon said, some people just like hosting. Some people don't. No big deal. Reciprocation comes in different forms.
Trying to cut down my quote tree here, but it's so funny you say this (bolded). It makes me remember how much this one bitch ex friend has scarred me. We had this big fight at age 22 or 23 because, when I was 22, I moved to my first city apartment and we were all big into the bar scene. This friend was always pressuring the group to go to places with cover charges or do things like $25 all-you-can-drink wristbands (and I can't drink $25 worth of alcohol or I'll barf). (Oh, adjust that price for inflation by the way, this was 2005-2006.) I'm sitting here like, I don't have the money to keep blowing on cover charges and wrist bands (because I'm paying city rent on an entry level job!!) and can we please just go to a dive bar. So this chick bitched me out saying words to the effect of, "When we [her and her boyfriend] come to the city it's a real treat for us and we save our money to do something more fun and nice. We don't want to go to a dive bar." Annnnnnnd 10 years after the fact I'm still assuming sitting around at my home isn't "good enough" when people make the effort to come to the city. Wow.
I didn't want to post this on Etiquette but it's been gnawing at me.
I absolutely expect a wedding to be fully hosted. My cost as a guest is travel and a gift. I absolutely expect a shower to be fully hosted. My cost as a guest is travel and a gift.
When friends 'host' parties (or let's say invite people to spend a few hours at their house), I never mind if it's BYOB or BYOSDTS (bring your own side dish to share). Also, the only other way to get a big group of people together these days is to say, "It's my birthday! Let's all meet at X Bar/Restaurant," and everyone automatically knows it's pay their own way. No one "hosts" birthday parties for the birthday person; it's just a convenient excuse for a night out.
So this brings me to the fact that there's been a lot of debate lately about bachelorette parties. By past observation, it seemed to me that most people were like me and expected to, as a guest, pay their own way (own dinner, own bar tab, own show ticket or sports event ticket, whatever). The women who plan / "host" usually coordinate the events, cover the cost of the bride (within reason, cough, plane tickets), and notify all guests in advance of expected costs. But now I'm seeing more people say that the hostesses should be actually hosting and they as guests shouldn't be expected to contribute anything. By personal observation, the hostesses may cover all the costs incurred of having anything at a home-- like, I've bought food and booze for all the guests to share when they come to a home. But, once we leave and go to dinner and bars, the guests are paying their own way. I honestly don't see a single thing wrong with this. And, in fact, if hostesses (usually the bridesmaids/MOH) are on the hook, etiquette wise, for entirely hosting a bachelorette party, I could see no one ever offering a party again because it would be so darn expensive. More expensive than a standard at-home bridal shower, that's for sure.
Thoughts?
Gonna break my own rule and post before reading all the responses, but here goes...
I would never think a bachelorette party was being hosted. However, and here's where the trouble comes in, is when I, as a guest, know that I'll be paying for my own drinks and dinner and maybe for a few drinks for the bride, but then the "host/coordinator" springs on me that my share of the limo is $40 and my portion of the hotel suite is $90, and I can pay her with check or cash by 9am tomorrow. No, this is not what I agreed to. Drinks and dinner, fine. Hotel and limo, no. I'll Uber it and sleep at home, thanks. If you plan for a hotel suite and stretch limo, YOU pay for it, don't be pushing those expenses on to people who never agreed. That's where we run into issues of hosting.
I didn't want to post this on Etiquette but it's been gnawing at me.
I absolutely expect a wedding to be fully hosted. My cost as a guest is travel and a gift. I absolutely expect a shower to be fully hosted. My cost as a guest is travel and a gift.
When friends 'host' parties (or let's say invite people to spend a few hours at their house), I never mind if it's BYOB or BYOSDTS (bring your own side dish to share). Also, the only other way to get a big group of people together these days is to say, "It's my birthday! Let's all meet at X Bar/Restaurant," and everyone automatically knows it's pay their own way. No one "hosts" birthday parties for the birthday person; it's just a convenient excuse for a night out.
So this brings me to the fact that there's been a lot of debate lately about bachelorette parties. By past observation, it seemed to me that most people were like me and expected to, as a guest, pay their own way (own dinner, own bar tab, own show ticket or sports event ticket, whatever). The women who plan / "host" usually coordinate the events, cover the cost of the bride (within reason, cough, plane tickets), and notify all guests in advance of expected costs. But now I'm seeing more people say that the hostesses should be actually hosting and they as guests shouldn't be expected to contribute anything. By personal observation, the hostesses may cover all the costs incurred of having anything at a home-- like, I've bought food and booze for all the guests to share when they come to a home. But, once we leave and go to dinner and bars, the guests are paying their own way. I honestly don't see a single thing wrong with this. And, in fact, if hostesses (usually the bridesmaids/MOH) are on the hook, etiquette wise, for entirely hosting a bachelorette party, I could see no one ever offering a party again because it would be so darn expensive. More expensive than a standard at-home bridal shower, that's for sure.
Thoughts?
Gonna break my own rule and post before reading all the responses, but here goes...
I would never think a bachelorette party was being hosted. However, and here's where the trouble comes in, is when I, as a guest, know that I'll be paying for my own drinks and dinner and maybe for a few drinks for the bride, but then the "host/coordinator" springs on me that my share of the limo is $40 and my portion of the hotel suite is $90, and I can pay her with check or cash by 9am tomorrow. No, this is not what I agreed to. Drinks and dinner, fine. Hotel and limo, no. I'll Uber it and sleep at home, thanks. If you plan for a hotel suite and stretch limo, YOU pay for it, don't be pushing those expenses on to people who never agreed. That's where we run into issues of hosting.
That's because people are dumb or poor planners. Anytime I've been involved in a bachelorette party, the cost is put upfront. If you stay in the hotel, you pay, if you don't stay, you don't pay. If you don't go to dinner, you don't pay. One time when my friend's sister was the coordinator, me and my roommate paid less for the limo because we already lived in the city and the other girls were coming from the suburbs.
I didn't want to post this on Etiquette but it's been gnawing at me.
I absolutely expect a wedding to be fully hosted. My cost as a guest is travel and a gift. I absolutely expect a shower to be fully hosted. My cost as a guest is travel and a gift.
When friends 'host' parties (or let's say invite people to spend a few hours at their house), I never mind if it's BYOB or BYOSDTS (bring your own side dish to share). Also, the only other way to get a big group of people together these days is to say, "It's my birthday! Let's all meet at X Bar/Restaurant," and everyone automatically knows it's pay their own way. No one "hosts" birthday parties for the birthday person; it's just a convenient excuse for a night out.
So this brings me to the fact that there's been a lot of debate lately about bachelorette parties. By past observation, it seemed to me that most people were like me and expected to, as a guest, pay their own way (own dinner, own bar tab, own show ticket or sports event ticket, whatever). The women who plan / "host" usually coordinate the events, cover the cost of the bride (within reason, cough, plane tickets), and notify all guests in advance of expected costs. But now I'm seeing more people say that the hostesses should be actually hosting and they as guests shouldn't be expected to contribute anything. By personal observation, the hostesses may cover all the costs incurred of having anything at a home-- like, I've bought food and booze for all the guests to share when they come to a home. But, once we leave and go to dinner and bars, the guests are paying their own way. I honestly don't see a single thing wrong with this. And, in fact, if hostesses (usually the bridesmaids/MOH) are on the hook, etiquette wise, for entirely hosting a bachelorette party, I could see no one ever offering a party again because it would be so darn expensive. More expensive than a standard at-home bridal shower, that's for sure.
Thoughts?
Gonna break my own rule and post before reading all the responses, but here goes...
I would never think a bachelorette party was being hosted. However, and here's where the trouble comes in, is when I, as a guest, know that I'll be paying for my own drinks and dinner and maybe for a few drinks for the bride, but then the "host/coordinator" springs on me that my share of the limo is $40 and my portion of the hotel suite is $90, and I can pay her with check or cash by 9am tomorrow. No, this is not what I agreed to. Drinks and dinner, fine. Hotel and limo, no. I'll Uber it and sleep at home, thanks. If you plan for a hotel suite and stretch limo, YOU pay for it, don't be pushing those expenses on to people who never agreed. That's where we run into issues of hosting.
I've run into these too, and these are what drives me nuts. I'm totally fine with paying for my own dinner/drinks at a b-party, but I draw the line at the limo and hotel.
If the MOH/host/whoever wants a furbus or a limo or stripper or fancy suite or whatever, she needs to discuss it with her co-planners and decide on a budget that they can afford. Invoicing all the party attendees is unfair, even if you give them notice with the invitation. If you're hosting the party, those things are your responsibility. There shouldn't be a "cover" charge just to go bar hopping.
I didn't want to post this on Etiquette but it's been gnawing at me.
I absolutely expect a wedding to be fully hosted. My cost as a guest is travel and a gift. I absolutely expect a shower to be fully hosted. My cost as a guest is travel and a gift.
When friends 'host' parties (or let's say invite people to spend a few hours at their house), I never mind if it's BYOB or BYOSDTS (bring your own side dish to share). Also, the only other way to get a big group of people together these days is to say, "It's my birthday! Let's all meet at X Bar/Restaurant," and everyone automatically knows it's pay their own way. No one "hosts" birthday parties for the birthday person; it's just a convenient excuse for a night out.
So this brings me to the fact that there's been a lot of debate lately about bachelorette parties. By past observation, it seemed to me that most people were like me and expected to, as a guest, pay their own way (own dinner, own bar tab, own show ticket or sports event ticket, whatever). The women who plan / "host" usually coordinate the events, cover the cost of the bride (within reason, cough, plane tickets), and notify all guests in advance of expected costs. But now I'm seeing more people say that the hostesses should be actually hosting and they as guests shouldn't be expected to contribute anything. By personal observation, the hostesses may cover all the costs incurred of having anything at a home-- like, I've bought food and booze for all the guests to share when they come to a home. But, once we leave and go to dinner and bars, the guests are paying their own way. I honestly don't see a single thing wrong with this. And, in fact, if hostesses (usually the bridesmaids/MOH) are on the hook, etiquette wise, for entirely hosting a bachelorette party, I could see no one ever offering a party again because it would be so darn expensive. More expensive than a standard at-home bridal shower, that's for sure.
Thoughts?
Gonna break my own rule and post before reading all the responses, but here goes...
I would never think a bachelorette party was being hosted. However, and here's where the trouble comes in, is when I, as a guest, know that I'll be paying for my own drinks and dinner and maybe for a few drinks for the bride, but then the "host/coordinator" springs on me that my share of the limo is $40 and my portion of the hotel suite is $90, and I can pay her with check or cash by 9am tomorrow. No, this is not what I agreed to. Drinks and dinner, fine. Hotel and limo, no. I'll Uber it and sleep at home, thanks. If you plan for a hotel suite and stretch limo, YOU pay for it, don't be pushing those expenses on to people who never agreed. That's where we run into issues of hosting.
I've run into these too, and these are what drives me nuts. I'm totally fine with paying for my own dinner/drinks at a b-party, but I draw the line at the limo and hotel.
If the MOH/host/whoever wants a furbus or a limo or stripper or fancy suite or whatever, she needs to discuss it with her co-planners and decide on a budget that they can afford. Invoicing all the party attendees is unfair, even if you give them notice with the invitation. If you're hosting the party, those things are your responsibility. There shouldn't be a "cover" charge just to go bar hopping.
Agreed, it's not that the person planning the event needs to host everything- but they can't tell other people how to spend their money, and expect guests to pick up costs they never agreed to. Anything planned needs to be discussed upfront, especially when any costs are involved.
I would never expect to be hosted at a B-party, unless there was a portion at someone's house. In which case I would assume the person offering their home has assumed that responsibility, or the people planning the B-party are providing the food for the person offering up their home.
I see potlucks as group-coordinated events. When we lived back in Edmonton, we got together lots with our group of friends. Those who hosted people in their homes always properly hosted- most everyone always offered, "Can I bring something?" or arrived with hostess gift. There has only been one couple who haven't always fully hosted, so we usually ask around, "hey, are you bringing something to Jane and Jim's??". At the same time, we'd also plan events where we'd meet up at a local park and BBQ- everyone brought their own food, but everybody shared. Going out- everyone paid for themselves- but these were not hosted events, but a "let's meet up for dinner at 7 Friday".
So this goes along with the other post about communicating effectively with your close friends. If the MOH (or whoever is coordinating the B-party) says to the WP, "I'm thinking about night out/dinner in/weekend away/potluck and these are the prices, what do you think?" This gives people time to offer to help host/coordinate, contribute if they want to, but also ask questions about expectations. It's been my experience that B-parties have the worst communication surrounding them and no one really knows what to expect. I think that it is the person's who offered to throw the party responsibility to clearly communicate what they are offering, and then be prepared for no one else to offer anything in addition (but if they do, great!).
Re: can we talk about the concept of a potluck?
But, I have this insecurity that I'm an asshole for not hosting at my home as much as DH's friends do. Right now DH and I do live in a one bedroom condo in the city. All his other friends have single family homes in the suburbs. One person always throws a football party, one person always throws the holiday party. It's their traditions.
Well, one time one of the hosts (a husband) asked me, "So when are you guys throwing a party?" At the time, I said, "when we get a bigger home," and steered the conversation elsewhere. But it sticks in my brain that maybe this guy thinks we're mooching schmucks. It's not like I don't want to host a party, but if I did it would be very small, AND... do you go through the hassle of getting to the city just to sit in a person's small home, or would you rather use your city time to hang out with friends at a cool restaurant or bar or other activity? We usually just meet up with our friends when they want to venture in for museums or baseball or something. But I worry this guy thinks we, like, "owe" him a properly hosted party or something.
Hell, how many times do people write to Dear Abby to say they think x friend takes advantage and never reciprocates? Ugh.
But, I have this insecurity that I'm an asshole for not hosting at my home as much as DH's friends do. Right now DH and I do live in a one bedroom condo in the city. All his other friends have single family homes in the suburbs. One person always throws a football party, one person always throws the holiday party. It's their traditions.
Well, one time one of the hosts (a husband) asked me, "So when are you guys throwing a party?" At the time, I said, "when we get a bigger home," and steered the conversation elsewhere. But it sticks in my brain that maybe this guy thinks we're mooching schmucks. It's not like I don't want to host a party, but if I did it would be very small, AND... do you go through the hassle of getting to the city just to sit in a person's small home, or would you rather use your city time to hang out with friends at a cool restaurant or bar or other activity? We usually just meet up with our friends when they want to venture in for museums or baseball or something. But I worry this guy thinks we, like, "owe" him a properly hosted party or something.
Hell, how many times do people write to Dear Abby to say they think x friend takes advantage and never reciprocates? Ugh.
Or just invite them over two at a time for dinner? I think reciprocating is lovely but doesn't need to be identical! I love throwing parties, many of my friends don't, but they reciprocate in other ways- dinner, picking up a drink, buying a movie ticket just cause. Or just a thank you note is really nice!
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I think as long as you are upfront about either hosting or it being a potluck it's ok. When I had a surprise birthday party for my husband I told everyone I've got the food covered and will have X and Y to drink if you'd like to drink something else feel free to bring it. Most people brought drinks.
There's a couple that DH and I frequently have dinner with and it's kind of known that the person who's house it's at provides the main dish and a side and the guest brings drinks and either another side or dessert coordinated with the host and we usually alternate every other time. If we choose to go out instead it's a pay your own way.
Over the summer DH (then FI) and I were invited to a party of some acquaintances and on it was listed BYOB & BYOC. That was the first time I'd ever seen BYOC so after a few hours of guessing with some other friends I just asked turns out they meant bring your own chair... That's the first time I've heard that and we were really turned off. If you don't have enough chairs you shouldn't be hosting people unless it's like a cocktail drop by and stay for an hour or so and then leave thing but this was a dinner. Then I was even more turned off when I mentioned I was a vegetarian and wanted to know if I could bring something that fit in with what she was making to eat (being a vegetarian is my choice and I don't expect hosts to have to do extra work for me) and she told me not to bring anything because some other people coming were vegetarians too so she was making fish. I mean that's fine and all but I don't eat fish and neither do real vegetarians, if they eat fish they are pescatarians... so we declined after that.
Like Starmoon said, some people just like hosting. Some people don't. No big deal. Reciprocation comes in different forms.
It's all in context of the event and know your crowd. If my first cousins, aunt/uncles are getting to together it's over 70 people. So we all bring our own chairs knowing that Aunt G doesn't have enough.
Also, at our housewarming, I didn't ask anybody to bring anything (we didn't even call it a housewarming, more of a "come over and watch the Derby and the fight later on). I had lots of food... pulled pork, brats, lots of snacks, lots of drinks, and everyone still brought stuff. I was only slightly annoyed because I spent too much money for too much food and some of it went to waste because we couldn't eat it all. But, now I know if we throw a party, that's what will happen, so I can limit what I'm providing (which will still probably be too much, but better too much than too little). So anyway, I think this depends on your crowd. Ours is just used to bringing something, especially when it's a casual party.
I will say, when we hosted Thanksgiving the two couples that came limited their food contributions to a dessert and alcohol.
Right and I distinguish between a hostess gift, always welcome, and a dish to share.
This was ~10 people for dinner in an apartment. Even with it being only 10 if it were outside I might have felt differently. Inside an apartment what were we supposed to bring, 2 dining room chairs? That'd be fun to to put in the car. Or the folding outdoor chairs?
@MairePoppy, I feel you on the surprises. Someone once offered to bring garlic bread. It actually translated to bringing unsliced bread and some garlic spread. I kept being interrupted to get them butter, a spreading and cutting knife, a cutting board, and foil. Once it was baked, I then needed to find a bread basket. It was beyond more hassle than help.
So this chick bitched me out saying words to the effect of, "When we [her and her boyfriend] come to the city it's a real treat for us and we save our money to do something more fun and nice. We don't want to go to a dive bar."
Annnnnnnd 10 years after the fact I'm still assuming sitting around at my home isn't "good enough" when people make the effort to come to the city. Wow.
I would never think a bachelorette party was being hosted. However, and here's where the trouble comes in, is when I, as a guest, know that I'll be paying for my own drinks and dinner and maybe for a few drinks for the bride, but then the "host/coordinator" springs on me that my share of the limo is $40 and my portion of the hotel suite is $90, and I can pay her with check or cash by 9am tomorrow. No, this is not what I agreed to. Drinks and dinner, fine. Hotel and limo, no. I'll Uber it and sleep at home, thanks. If you plan for a hotel suite and stretch limo, YOU pay for it, don't be pushing those expenses on to people who never agreed. That's where we run into issues of hosting.
If the MOH/host/whoever wants a furbus or a limo or stripper or fancy suite or whatever, she needs to discuss it with her co-planners and decide on a budget that they can afford. Invoicing all the party attendees is unfair, even if you give them notice with the invitation. If you're hosting the party, those things are your responsibility. There shouldn't be a "cover" charge just to go bar hopping.
I would never expect to be hosted at a B-party, unless there was a portion at someone's house. In which case I would assume the person offering their home has assumed that responsibility, or the people planning the B-party are providing the food for the person offering up their home.
I see potlucks as group-coordinated events. When we lived back in Edmonton, we got together lots with our group of friends. Those who hosted people in their homes always properly hosted- most everyone always offered, "Can I bring something?" or arrived with hostess gift. There has only been one couple who haven't always fully hosted, so we usually ask around, "hey, are you bringing something to Jane and Jim's??". At the same time, we'd also plan events where we'd meet up at a local park and BBQ- everyone brought their own food, but everybody shared. Going out- everyone paid for themselves- but these were not hosted events, but a "let's meet up for dinner at 7 Friday".