@jenna8984 Hmmm I definitely never meant us FUNDING their retirement account. But more of a "What can we do to help advise and assist". If the answer is nothing/no then well, there you go. But if we can say say "Hey, H and I have spent a lot of time doing research for our own retirement and these are our strategies/this is our financial plan for the future" and hopefully help my ILs with that knowledge then I think that's a good thing.
I also respectfully disagree that it has nothing to do with us. My own grandfather took on a huge amount of debt when both of his parents passed away. And honestly it worries me that a day could come where they're in a situation where they can't afford regular health care, or even their grocery bill. I don't want my ILs in that situation if there's something we can do now or over the next 15ish years to help prevent that possibility. I think I'd feel differently if I saw that they had been clearly irresponsible with their money like your ILs seem to have been, but they've been hardworking, frugal people their entire lives with an unfortunate amount of bad luck.
@labro Yea I can respect that. My in laws did it to themselves, so we are ok saying "sucks for you". But I'm sure I'd feel differently if they were hardworking, frugal folks who caught some bad breaks.
I agree with @kvruns that I find this a very weird topic to broach with parents or in-laws. You say in your original post that "it means that we have 15 plus years to do some work to improve..." and all I can think is why is that a WE?! Their retirement account has nothing to do with you, nor are you obligated to fund it.
I dunno, I guess we were just raised differently. My parents have always taught me the attitude of "take care of yourself because no one else will". My parents have been very successful and at 60, they could retire already if they wanted but they want to bank some more for a few years (since they enjoy taking $20,000 annual vacations). He did send me copies of their will and stuff like that.
My in-laws are dirt poor. They re-financed their mortgage so many times that 15 years later they actually owe double what they bought it for. He works just above minimum wage, she doesn't even work. They have come to us asking for $200 for heat in winter and asked us for $100 for gas and food. They will never be able to retire, and if his dad dies early his mom will be completely screwed because she's 100% dependent. Unfortunately, as cruel as this may sound, H and I have decided that we will not be helping them when that time comes. They are the ones who took out of their small 401k to buy a motorcycle (for recreation not as a main vehicle), they are the ones who spend hundreds to run a pool and hot tub that don't get used, they are the ones who refuse to take the hit on their house and just get an affordable apartment, she's refuses to work. So we don't believe we need to bail them out, they have made bad decisions for years and that's not our problem.
This has been a super interesting thread to read because I get the impression my family has a way different approach to money than most people here. I think it might have to do with my ethnic background but I can't be sure- maybe we are just weird.
My extended family has a very communal approach to money, basically the exact opposite of the bolded sentiment in Jenna's comment. Parents continue to give their kids money throughout their adult lives, and those kids are expected to do the same for their kids. So far it has worked out in my favor- I'm basically the only person I know IRL who went through undergrad and getting a Masters without taking out any student loans, because my grandparents helped my parents save for college a lot. We also had a much more comfortable childhood in terms of luxuries like vacations, theme park passes etc. because of help from my grandparents.
The converse of this is, there's a strong expectation we will do the same for our own kids and grandkids. The system breaks down pretty quickly if you refuse to pay it forward to the next generation.
I don't know- personally I like the "it takes a village" mentality in my family and obviously anyone would be happy to know they have a large safety net if they get into financial trouble (which has happened plenty of times to various aunts, uncles and cousins). But it definitely isn't a very "American" attitude, culturally speaking. It's interesting to read about the value other families place on each unit being completely independent and keeping all their financial business to themselves.
My parents have always spoken to me about their retirement plans. It's how they taught me to value savings and take care of my own planning. I not infrequently heard as a child "no we can't afford that we have to save that money." I have no idea exactly how much money they have, but they've said repeatedly that they would never want to be a burden on me and have planned accordingly.
After my mom got terminally ill at age 56, we've started talking about this with my dad. My mom and stepdad had everything already planned out but when we found out she was dying - like, soon - they changed a few things and my mom's estate was easy for us to manage after her death. Dad will be totally different. We're trying to convince him to retire (he has a manual labor job and he's almost 66, but his miles exceed his years) and he's not healthy. After a lot of discussions, he finally made a will and my sister and I are just going to buy a plot for him since he won't. We want him (he does too) to be in the cemetery with his parents and my mom and there aren't many plots left.
H's parents, on the other hand, are another story. His mom and stepdad have enough money to do whatever they want and are retired in their 50s. Yet, they want to live with us when they get older. NOPE. I'll pay for their care myself before they spend more than a week with me. His dad and stepmom are already totally broke and don't work (also in their 50s). I have no idea what their plans are and H tries to stay far far away from that.
We will do our best to take care of our parents in the way that they (our parents) wish. My FH and I will not have children, so we are assuming that we will take on the bulk of their care as my siblings have kids and his brother isn't really all there, socially or financially - he lives with his parents and doesn't work - and we are on the same page about it and okay with it. This seems like it goes against the grain of previous posts, but we would be open to having them live with us. (Either one of them, but if it happens, it will almost certainly be my parents and not his.)
FH's parents both retired early and while I can't be sure, based on my knowledge of where they worked and the long time that they were employed, they have sizable retirement accounts and pensions. They also have had no mortgage for a couple decades at least. I feel confident in their financial situation. However, FH's dad is in the early stages of a Parkinsonian disease and his mom recently had a breast cancer diagnosis (with a positive outlook, but you never know about the future). So, depending on their health and quality of life, they may need to be frugal in their older years because of medical costs. We are waiting for an announcement in the next few years that they are selling the house and moving to Florida to be with FMIL's sister and her kids. I am 99% sure that will happen, and FMIL has hinted at it. We probably won't discuss their plans with them as FH is soooo not the type to bring it up and it's not my place. The only exception, I think, would be if/when FFIL's disease becomes advanced and any end-of-life or POA things need to be discussed.
My mom has been the breadwinner of our family since the 90's so when I talk about money as it relates to my parents, it's usually coming from my mom. My dad owned a family business for decades that made just enough to sustain itself, and then went under in the housing bust. He sold it but it was just enough to pay his accounts off. He works for my uncle and is setting up his farm to be a side business (they are planting an orchard). Mom doesn't disclose #'s to me, but I know she's borrowed from her 401(k) a couple of times. She always pays the loans back with interest, but the loss of earnings in the meantime (especially when the market was low) has probably cost her quite a bit. She has a nice job and an excellent salary, beyond what my FH and I make together. (Can't wait for FH to finish his engineering degree lol!) They are at the beginning of their mortgage, though, and needing to buy a car which they'll take out a note for. So, she'll likely need to continue to work for the next 10-12 years, and after that, to be very frugal and try to live off the farm's business earnings and keep retirement funds for medical costs.
However, as I said above, we are 100% open to taking care of them in their elderly years. I would prefer them to live with us, or at least near us, rather than putting them into a home. That is a tradition in my family, I guess, and I feel pretty strongly about it.
I will be very comfortable butting into their business about legal and medical issues when the time comes. They're my parents, we are family. It affects all of us. I would never say, "Do you have enough saved for retirement?" but I would definitely ask what their plans are, talk through the options, and offer to help, especially in a few decades when they get into their mid- to late-80's and can't be orchardists anymore.
However, as I said above, we are 100% open to taking care of them in their elderly years. I would prefer them to live with us, or at least near us, rather than putting them into a home. That is a tradition in my family, I guess, and I feel pretty strongly about it.
Same! H thinks I'm crazy because, while I love his parents I don't *like* them that much (they are very good people but we just have different strong personalities) and yet I still feel very strongly that if they want to they should come live with us when they are older. They joke about it ("Make sure when you buy a place it comes with a mother-in-law suite" etc) but honestly I think they would be more hesitant to move in with us than I would- they are more of the traditional "We need to be independent, we don't want to be a burden" mentality.
I really think it has so much to do with what you see growing up. It didn't occur to me to think of my elderly parents moving in with me as a burden because it's just what is done in my family. Then again, my whole extended family kind of tends to live "compound style," as in it's very common for siblings and cousins and parents and kids to all just buy houses next to each other and be in and out of each others' places day-to-day.
When FIL's Alzheimers became really bad, his wife insisted that she promised him that he wouldn't go into a nursing home. Well the lady couldn't take care of him. Emergency services were tired of the phone calls saying that FIL had fallen and she couldn't lift him off the floor. He was incontinent, and during the night, he would remove his diaper and wet the bed, or the carpet. He would wander around the house at night, asking when they were going to go home. Their house was near a busy street, and he kept imagining that he was a friend waving to him across the street. He wanted to go over and talk to the imaginary person. Yikes! He was deaf. We took his car keys away from him, but he thought he could still drive. They took out their landline because telephone solicitors would call, he would answer and agree to whatever.
In other words, the man was not safe at his home. He needed professional care. We could not convince his wife to allow it! Yes, he had long term care insurance.
Keeping your elderly relatives in your home is not always the best thing to do for them. It may be painful, but do not allow them to guilt you into keeping them in your home when they would be far safer and better off in a care facility.
My cousin finally put his mom in a home. She also has Alzheimer's. He should have put her in long before he did. Guilt got in the way. Quality of life for everyone involved is much better now. He regrets he didn't put her in a home sooner.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
When FIL's Alzheimers became really bad, his wife insisted that she promised him that he wouldn't go into a nursing home. Well the lady couldn't take care of him. Emergency services were tired of the phone calls saying that FIL had fallen and she couldn't lift him off the floor. He was incontinent, and during the night, he would remove his diaper and wet the bed, or the carpet. He would wander around the house at night, asking when they were going to go home. Their house was near a busy street, and he kept imagining that he was a friend waving to him across the street. He wanted to go over and talk to the imaginary person. Yikes! He was deaf. We took his car keys away from him, but he thought he could still drive. They took out their landline because telephone solicitors would call, he would answer and agree to whatever.
In other words, the man was not safe at his home. He needed professional care. We could not convince his wife to allow it! Yes, he had long term care insurance.
Keeping your elderly relatives in your home is not always the best thing to do for them. It may be painful, but do not allow them to guilt you into keeping them in your home when they would be far safer and better off in a care facility.
Oh yeah I totally agree that it's a whole different ballpark if a medical issue issue like this is at play. I would have no hesitation putting my parent in an assisted living facility if they could provide them with a type of care and attention for specific medical issues that I couldn't.
That being said, aging is always going to come with a set of health challenges. I will happily do my best to accommodate run-of-the-mill issues but I hope I'll be able to recognize when it's beyond my ability.
When FIL's Alzheimers became really bad, his wife insisted that she promised him that he wouldn't go into a nursing home. Well the lady couldn't take care of him. Emergency services were tired of the phone calls saying that FIL had fallen and she couldn't lift him off the floor. He was incontinent, and during the night, he would remove his diaper and wet the bed, or the carpet. He would wander around the house at night, asking when they were going to go home. Their house was near a busy street, and he kept imagining that he was a friend waving to him across the street. He wanted to go over and talk to the imaginary person. Yikes! He was deaf. We took his car keys away from him, but he thought he could still drive. They took out their landline because telephone solicitors would call, he would answer and agree to whatever.
In other words, the man was not safe at his home. He needed professional care. We could not convince his wife to allow it! Yes, he had long term care insurance.
Keeping your elderly relatives in your home is not always the best thing to do for them. It may be painful, but do not allow them to guilt you into keeping them in your home when they would be far safer and better off in a care facility.
Agreed. If safety is a concern or their care is so complex it requires 24-hour attention, we would definitely place them in a facility where they can be taken care of properly.
It's nice to think that you'll be able to care for your elderly parents, but that's not always the case.
My grandfather had Alzheimer's. My grandmother hid from us how sick he really us, insisting that she could take care of him. When we finally all found out how bad it was, we were all heartbroken. We put him in a home, because it's just not possible to take of a person with advanced Alzheimer's without proper medical assistance.
If you're going to have these conversations with your parents, you need to be realistic. What if one of them becomes immobile? Do you really think you'll be able to lift them up out of a chair? Bathe them? Care for them while you're working? My grandmother is turning 94 this year, and it's hard enough with all hands on deck (my mom, my dad, her brother and sister, myself and my brother).
To me, these are more important conversations to have than, "Can you afford to retire?"
We haven't talked our parents but they bring it up on their own. My dad is planning to retire in two months and due to an odd set of events, my mom retired early.
It's always tough to talk about money with family. It does not appear to be an issue for my parents based on the assumptions I'm making. I don't anticipate surprises there and I'm the executor of their will.
For my IL's, my own concern is that what they've planned isn't going to work and then they won't have a backup. By that I mean I think they want to leave this state and live closer to BIL and SIL and I just don't know how successful that will be. I think my MIL really loves where they are now but it's not cost effective long term. She also now hates the place they purchased to spend their summers into the older years and I don't know how well that will go or what she'll do if FIL goes first. It's a conversation no one has had other than DH saying, "She's not living here!"
The only time I think it's ever prudent to bring it up well in advance is if you find yourselves repeatedly bailing out your parents for bad financial decisions. There's big difference in shooting a few hundred bucks towards your ILs every now and then and being their bail-out plan. I've seen some people watch their IL's make very bad decisions (like the multiple mortgage situation above) and they were previously approached for financial assistance. While it's bound to go poorly, if your parents make it your problem then it is.
None of us are in a position to give financial advice to our parents, especially if they don't ask for or want it. What we can do is to make secure plans for ourselves. It is terribly sad when you have to go to court to save your parents from themselves. My late FIL had Alzheimers for years, and he threw away hundreds of thousands on get rich quick schemes, including the Nigerian prince. We have disclosed everything to our children. They will have copies of our new will as soon as it is signed. Above all, NEVER ask your children to promise to not put you in a nursing home. My late FIL would have been much better off if his wife hadn't felt unable to make that much needed decision. I strongly recommend this book: Can't We Talk About Something Pleasant? by Roz Chast. It really hits home.
Oh, by the way, my cancer bills so far have exceeded one million dollars. Yes, our insurance covers most of it. Do your parents have medical insurance? How about long term care insurance. (DH has it, but I couldn't get it due to my health. I probably won't need it, anyway.)
H and I were just talking about longer term care insurance. I'm totally bummed I probably won't qualify since I had/have cancer. If I can keep the cancer in remission, I'm 17 years younger than H and do not have any kids. So, I REALLY, REALLY have to take care of myself or be prepared to do so. I was hoping the long term care insurance would help with that. GAH!
Also, totally with you on the medical bills. I'm up around $1M as well. I, thankfully, have a very reasonable out of pocket max per year.
Another thing to think about is how the Medicaid program can help aging parents/grandparents going to a nursing home/facility. A lot of assets will be taken before Medicaid kicks in (something we are dealing with in my family right now).
I have a cousin who is mentally disabled. She has hallucinations, and is completely dependent on her two children. She must be watched 24 hours a day or she will try to escape what she is convinced is her "prison". She has accused many family members of attacking her or molesting her. It is so sad.
There is no money. She does not have long term care insurance. She shares her condo with her adult son, but she bought it at the height of the real estate bubble, and selling it will be very difficult. Until she is able to sell it, she cannot qualify for medicaid. She understands none of this. Her daughter has power of attorney for her. Daughter also has three young children of her own, and must serve as daycare for her mother.
This could happen to you. Before she became ill, my cousin was an intelligent, independent woman with a good job and benefits. Please, make plans for yourself to assure that you aren't a burden on your own children.
As someone who works in the retirement industry, the sooner you speak with them about it, and the more open your communication about it, the better. I have seen so many families who didn't communicate about their plans ending up fighting with their kids or siblings when the time comes to actually retire. People who didn't communicate their wishes, and no longer can communicate, have ended up in situations that they hate.
Financially and socially, nothing tears a family apart more than caring for sick parents (if it were to come to that one day).
Long Term Care Insurance is the best investment you and your loved ones could make.
None of us are in a position to give financial advice to our parents, especially if they don't ask for or want it. What we can do is to make secure plans for ourselves. It is terribly sad when you have to go to court to save your parents from themselves. My late FIL had Alzheimers for years, and he threw away hundreds of thousands on get rich quick schemes, including the Nigerian prince. We have disclosed everything to our children. They will have copies of our new will as soon as it is signed. Above all, NEVER ask your children to promise to not put you in a nursing home. My late FIL would have been much better off if his wife hadn't felt unable to make that much needed decision. I strongly recommend this book: Can't We Talk About Something Pleasant? by Roz Chast. It really hits home.
Oh, by the way, my cancer bills so far have exceeded one million dollars. Yes, our insurance covers most of it. Do your parents have medical insurance? How about long term care insurance. (DH has it, but I couldn't get it due to my health. I probably won't need it, anyway.)
H and I were just talking about longer term care insurance. I'm totally bummed I probably won't qualify since I had/have cancer. If I can keep the cancer in remission, I'm 17 years younger than H and do not have any kids. So, I REALLY, REALLY have to take care of myself or be prepared to do so. I was hoping the long term care insurance would help with that. GAH!
Also, totally with you on the medical bills. I'm up around $1M as well. I, thankfully, have a very reasonable out of pocket max per year.
I work in this type of insurance and you're right that you probably won't qualify for long term care insurance. I'm not an underwriter so you may want to still look into it, but in my experience, it's difficult to get if you aren't perfectly healthy and it's kind of expensive. My dad doesn't have and wouldn't qualify for LTC insurance and that scares me.
I agree with @kvruns that I find this a very weird topic to broach with parents or in-laws. You say in your original post that "it means that we have 15 plus years to do some work to improve..." and all I can think is why is that a WE?! Their retirement account has nothing to do with you, nor are you obligated to fund it.
I dunno, I guess we were just raised differently. My parents have always taught me the attitude of "take care of yourself because no one else will". My parents have been very successful and at 60, they could retire already if they wanted but they want to bank some more for a few years (since they enjoy taking $20,000 annual vacations). He did send me copies of their will and stuff like that.
My in-laws are dirt poor. They re-financed their mortgage so many times that 15 years later they actually owe double what they bought it for. He works just above minimum wage, she doesn't even work. They have come to us asking for $200 for heat in winter and asked us for $100 for gas and food. They will never be able to retire, and if his dad dies early his mom will be completely screwed because she's 100% dependent. Unfortunately, as cruel as this may sound, H and I have decided that we will not be helping them when that time comes. They are the ones who took out of their small 401k to buy a motorcycle (for recreation not as a main vehicle), they are the ones who spend hundreds to run a pool and hot tub that don't get used, they are the ones who refuse to take the hit on their house and just get an affordable apartment, she's refuses to work. So we don't believe we need to bail them out, they have made bad decisions for years and that's not our problem.
This has been a super interesting thread to read because I get the impression my family has a way different approach to money than most people here. I think it might have to do with my ethnic background but I can't be sure- maybe we are just weird.
My extended family has a very communal approach to money, basically the exact opposite of the bolded sentiment in Jenna's comment. Parents continue to give their kids money throughout their adult lives, and those kids are expected to do the same for their kids. So far it has worked out in my favor- I'm basically the only person I know IRL who went through undergrad and getting a Masters without taking out any student loans, because my grandparents helped my parents save for college a lot. We also had a much more comfortable childhood in terms of luxuries like vacations, theme park passes etc. because of help from my grandparents.
The converse of this is, there's a strong expectation we will do the same for our own kids and grandkids. The system breaks down pretty quickly if you refuse to pay it forward to the next generation.
I don't know- personally I like the "it takes a village" mentality in my family and obviously anyone would be happy to know they have a large safety net if they get into financial trouble (which has happened plenty of times to various aunts, uncles and cousins). But it definitely isn't a very "American" attitude, culturally speaking. It's interesting to read about the value other families place on each unit being completely independent and keeping all their financial business to themselves.
This is what it is like with my family. My Mom's parents were incredibly generous. So were my Great Aunts and Uncle's. The reason I was able to go through college without incurring any debt was partially because of my parents and mostly due to my Great Aunt and Uncle who opened up a CD for me when I was young and continued to add money to it whenever they could so when it was time for me to go to school I had the money to pay for it. I was also able to put down a nice chunk for a house when the time came because of what was given/saved for me by my older relatives. I realize that I am super lucky and that this isn't the norm. My Mom and Dad will still send me and my sister money now and then as a just because. Or when they come for a visit my Mom will take me out and buy me something that I have been needing or wanting. Or when we go to visit them I know that I won't have to open my wallet the entire time I am there. This is just how our family works. And if I were to ever have kids then I would be the same. My sister has two daughters. I opened a CD for my oldest niece on her first birthday and I will do the same for my second niece.
Now my H's family is the complete opposite. They are in the mind frame of "if you want something then you have to pay for it" which is fine. If we ever needed money because we got into a bad situation I can guarantee you that we would need to pay his parents back while my parents would just hand me a check without any need for repayment. But I can say that both H and I are more comfortable talking to my parents about money then we are talking to his.
As for the initial OP, I would never feel comfortable talking to my ILs about their retirement plans. Wills, end of life care, etc, is a different story. But as to when and if they are able to retire, eh, that is a subject that I would not be okay discussing. If they felt they needed some assistance or help with their retirement that is what a professional financial planner is for.
My dad could retire now if he wanted but he is waiting another year or more so that he can make more per month. He is set up for retirement and has good life insurance that will pay his house off, pay for the funeral, and have a little left over for each of the kids.
My mom keeps saying she will have to work until she dies but I know she is joking. She has retirement set up and could probably retire in 10 or 15 years. She has life insurance as well.
MIL just went back to work full time for the first time in 6 years and before that she had worked for about 5 years full time. up until then she did not work full time ever. She is vested with the State with her combined work so she will have decent retirement and insurance. FIL passed away last week and luckily she had doubled his life insurance to $20,000 so it was enough for the funeral expenses and for her to have some in savings while she adjusts to not having his income (only part time and made about $1,000/month).
It is a relief that our parents all work for the State and know that they will have decent retirement benefits and insurance. If they needed to be put in a nursing home eventually their retirement funds should cover it but all of the siblings have agreed we could contribute.
Both my mom and MIL have said they would rather be in a nursing home than burden us kids. However, my dad is very adamant that he doesn't want to be in a nursing home and we want to all do our best to honor his wishes and hopefully could afford an in-home nurse if needed.
Our parents all brought the subject up to us so we didn't have to but I think it is a touchy subject. You could always bring it in a way that you and your H are trying to plan your retirement and didn't know if they had any suggestions.
We have also recently come into the discussion of "I want to live with you" from DH's dad. We are almost 30, and DH's dad is 73. He lives on 20 acres 2 hours away by himself. He grows produce that he sells at local farmers markets every weekend June-Oct, and he farms it all himself. He's got some health issues, but considering, he is still doing really well. Recently he's begun talk that this coming summer will be his last for the market, and then he wants to downsize. He also feels his health is declining.
Anyway, so he's suggested to us, we buy a house and land, he'll sell his farm, give us some of the money toward house+land, then he'll come live with us. Financially, that would benefit us. The challenge is what he wants vs. what we want. He thinks we should buy 100 acres if we could (yeah right, could never afford that, even if he gave us all the money from his farm), but we don't want a "farm", but would be happy on an acreage.
FIL is also a difficult man to live with. He's very set in his ways, opinionated and has maintained strong viewpoints from his youth (regarding race, gender, man vs. women roles, all the hot topics). SO- what we've decided is that we will buy a house on some land, but FIL will get a permanent mobile home set on the other side of the acreage from us that is his, and ours is ours.
There is still a lot more to discuss, and sometimes I have to push DH to have these conversations, rather than just "figuring it out when the time comes".
There is definitely a difference in family values. My family is of the North American mindset, where as DH's parents are both immigrants from Europe. At least with DH's dad, they expect that we would take care of them.
Now my H's family is the complete opposite. They are in the mind frame of "if you want something then you have to pay for it" which is fine. If we ever needed money because we got into a bad situation I can guarantee you that we would need to pay his parents back while my parents would just hand me a check without any need for repayment. But I can say that both H and I are more comfortable talking to my parents about money then we are talking to his.
Cutting down the quote tree, but yes this is exactly how it is with my H's family too! Another difference I think is interesting- and others can weigh in on how they feel about this/how their family handles this- is how in his family there is a lot of emphasis on everything being split exactly evenly, whereas in mine the people who need more, get more. So when H's wealthy grandparents die, their money will be split completely evenly to the cent across their three children, even though one is a multi-millionaire Fortune 500 CEO and one lost his job early in the recession and has been relatively unstable (I don't mean at risk of living in poverty or anything, but lots of stress about paying the mortgage etc.) ever since, though he is now employed again.
To me, it's completely crazy to give those two brothers the exact same amount, but it's their money and their prerogative- and I can see the appeal of wanting to avoid breeding resentment among the siblings. In my family, on the other hand, my grandparents have given and will continue to give much more money to their two children who have kids of their own, and not as much (though still some) to my double-income-no-kids aunt and her partner. How do y'alls families handle this kind of stuff? Would you plan to treat you real or hypothetical kids completely equally?
I guess I'm also fortunate enough to come from a family that lives forever. All 4 of my grandparents are 88 years old and they all live on their own still in house/condo. So in my eyes, someone being 73 and not healthy enough to live on their own is crazy and just not something that I see in my family.
@themosthappy91 In our family so far it seems inheritances are split evenly. And IMO it seems the most fair way to handle the assets (if any) that are being left behind. I think that's how I'd prefer to handle it myself. Pre-inheritance, you definitely see some family members who receive aid when others don't. My grandparents still support one of my uncles partially and I know my dad has given him some support in the past too. My youngest sister has seen a lot more financial support than either myself or my other sister ever did, but we didn't need it either. On H's side, his grandparents definitely favor and support some children over others, and I don't know how things will happen inheritance wise....other than it's going to probably be a fight among the kids and H's parents do not look forward to it.
So I guess for me I look at the question from both sides....it's ok to give more support to one child over another during the lifetime of the parents (if they need the extra support) but when it comes down to death and inheritance, it's the most simple to just split everything evenly among the children versus having to go Child A gets half of my estate and Children B, C, and D have to split the remaining half among each other. On the other hand, if Child A has been providing financial support, health care, etc. to the parents prior to their end of life, I can see how it's fair that Child A is probably entitled to more in the minds of his or her parents. I dunno, it's complicated. I think the situation is going to vary significantly among every family.
Now my H's family is the complete opposite. They are in the mind frame of "if you want something then you have to pay for it" which is fine. If we ever needed money because we got into a bad situation I can guarantee you that we would need to pay his parents back while my parents would just hand me a check without any need for repayment. But I can say that both H and I are more comfortable talking to my parents about money then we are talking to his.
Cutting down the quote tree, but yes this is exactly how it is with my H's family too! Another difference I think is interesting- and others can weigh in on how they feel about this/how their family handles this- is how in his family there is a lot of emphasis on everything being split exactly evenly, whereas in mine the people who need more, get more. So when H's wealthy grandparents die, their money will be split completely evenly to the cent across their three children, even though one is a multi-millionaire Fortune 500 CEO and one lost his job early in the recession and has been relatively unstable (I don't mean at risk of living in poverty or anything, but lots of stress about paying the mortgage etc.) ever since, though he is now employed again.
To me, it's completely crazy to give those two brothers the exact same amount, but it's their money and their prerogative- and I can see the appeal of wanting to avoid breeding resentment among the siblings. In my family, on the other hand, my grandparents have given and will continue to give much more money to their two children who have kids of their own, and not as much (though still some) to my double-income-no-kids aunt and her partner. How do y'alls families handle this kind of stuff? Would you plan to treat you real or hypothetical kids completely equally?
I except my parents to split everything equally. My sister is the wealthiest, but has the most amount of kids. I don't think she should get less because they are successful. Nor do I think she should get more because she has more kids (or any kids). I don't have kids, so I would be pretty annoyed if I got less simply because I wasn't able to procreate.
I think splitting everything by the 4 of us is the most fair. If my parents want to give something to the grandkids directly, then split it by the 4 of us. That's cool. (actually I think the most fair, as I do not trust one of my brothers passing on something to their kids). I just don't like the idea that people who are successful and/or have more kids some how deserve more.
That said, my parents give more to my brothers than my sister and I now. If we do a group family trip my brothers and their families expenses are always paid. My sister and mine are not. I get it. If they didn't pay we would not see my brothers. I would be lying if I didn't say it was annoying that my sister and I have to make financial plans for vacations and my brothers get a free ride.
I'm not sure giving the ones who have less more money is always the right answer.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
Now my H's family is the complete opposite. They are in the mind frame of "if you want something then you have to pay for it" which is fine. If we ever needed money because we got into a bad situation I can guarantee you that we would need to pay his parents back while my parents would just hand me a check without any need for repayment. But I can say that both H and I are more comfortable talking to my parents about money then we are talking to his.
Cutting down the quote tree, but yes this is exactly how it is with my H's family too! Another difference I think is interesting- and others can weigh in on how they feel about this/how their family handles this- is how in his family there is a lot of emphasis on everything being split exactly evenly, whereas in mine the people who need more, get more. So when H's wealthy grandparents die, their money will be split completely evenly to the cent across their three children, even though one is a multi-millionaire Fortune 500 CEO and one lost his job early in the recession and has been relatively unstable (I don't mean at risk of living in poverty or anything, but lots of stress about paying the mortgage etc.) ever since, though he is now employed again.
To me, it's completely crazy to give those two brothers the exact same amount, but it's their money and their prerogative- and I can see the appeal of wanting to avoid breeding resentment among the siblings. In my family, on the other hand, my grandparents have given and will continue to give much more money to their two children who have kids of their own, and not as much (though still some) to my double-income-no-kids aunt and her partner. How do y'alls families handle this kind of stuff? Would you plan to treat you real or hypothetical kids completely equally?
My parents are of the "everything equally" mind frame. But my sister and I aren't all that different financially. The only real difference between us is that she has kids and I don't, so of course my parents spend "more" money, so to speak, on my sisters family then mine. But that makes sense because there are more people in her family then there is in mine. But in regards to what my sister and I are given, it is always the same amount. For instance, my Mom gave my sister $1000 to help her and her H move. So my Mom gave me and my H $1000 to put towards our basement reno. Keeping everything the same and consistent just works for my parents. Now if my sis and I were complete opposites in regards to finances (one super successful making 6+ figures vs one who is barely scraping by) then maybe it would be different.
Now H's parents, large scale money wise I have no idea. But from what I can tell they (more his Dad then his Mom) do not just give out money. We (me, H, his parents, and his sister and her H) went out to dinner over the Christmas holiday. We all got about the same things price wise so when the bill came I figured we would divide by 3 and that be that. His Dad wanted to get it down to the cent. He tends to refuse to pay one penny more then what he owes or put one penny more towards anyone else's amount. But then again I find having to be so damn exact when it comes to a food bill irksome.
Now my H's family is the complete opposite. They are in the mind frame of "if you want something then you have to pay for it" which is fine. If we ever needed money because we got into a bad situation I can guarantee you that we would need to pay his parents back while my parents would just hand me a check without any need for repayment. But I can say that both H and I are more comfortable talking to my parents about money then we are talking to his.
Cutting down the quote tree, but yes this is exactly how it is with my H's family too! Another difference I think is interesting- and others can weigh in on how they feel about this/how their family handles this- is how in his family there is a lot of emphasis on everything being split exactly evenly, whereas in mine the people who need more, get more. So when H's wealthy grandparents die, their money will be split completely evenly to the cent across their three children, even though one is a multi-millionaire Fortune 500 CEO and one lost his job early in the recession and has been relatively unstable (I don't mean at risk of living in poverty or anything, but lots of stress about paying the mortgage etc.) ever since, though he is now employed again.
To me, it's completely crazy to give those two brothers the exact same amount, but it's their money and their prerogative- and I can see the appeal of wanting to avoid breeding resentment among the siblings. In my family, on the other hand, my grandparents have given and will continue to give much more money to their two children who have kids of their own, and not as much (though still some) to my double-income-no-kids aunt and her partner. How do y'alls families handle this kind of stuff? Would you plan to treat you real or hypothetical kids completely equally?
Our families do everything equally as well. However, in my case, I fully expect my brother and his family to get more "time" support than me. I moved away from home right after college. My brother still lives in the same area as my parents, works for my dad, and my mom is the day care for my nephews. I can't possibly be upset about that because I am the one that chose to move away and chose not to have kids. However, my parents (who are divorced) both try to compensate for this inequality. I keep telling them it's unnecessary.
My ILs are obsessed with things being equal as well. As they are 80, they are starting to look into gifting their assets. Unfortunately, they don't trust my SIL (there are two boys- my H and his brother). So, they won't gift H anything because they are uneasy with gifting his brother. We told them to just renovate their house with the money. Might as well enjoy it while they can!
Now my H's family is the complete opposite. They are in the mind frame of "if you want something then you have to pay for it" which is fine. If we ever needed money because we got into a bad situation I can guarantee you that we would need to pay his parents back while my parents would just hand me a check without any need for repayment. But I can say that both H and I are more comfortable talking to my parents about money then we are talking to his.
Cutting down the quote tree, but yes this is exactly how it is with my H's family too! Another difference I think is interesting- and others can weigh in on how they feel about this/how their family handles this- is how in his family there is a lot of emphasis on everything being split exactly evenly, whereas in mine the people who need more, get more. So when H's wealthy grandparents die, their money will be split completely evenly to the cent across their three children, even though one is a multi-millionaire Fortune 500 CEO and one lost his job early in the recession and has been relatively unstable (I don't mean at risk of living in poverty or anything, but lots of stress about paying the mortgage etc.) ever since, though he is now employed again.
To me, it's completely crazy to give those two brothers the exact same amount, but it's their money and their prerogative- and I can see the appeal of wanting to avoid breeding resentment among the siblings. In my family, on the other hand, my grandparents have given and will continue to give much more money to their two children who have kids of their own, and not as much (though still some) to my double-income-no-kids aunt and her partner. How do y'alls families handle this kind of stuff? Would you plan to treat you real or hypothetical kids completely equally?
Our families do everything equally as well. However, in my case, I fully expect my brother and his family to get more "time" support than me. I moved away from home right after college. My brother still lives in the same area as my parents, works for my dad, and my mom is the day care for my nephews. I can't possibly be upset about that because I am the one that chose to move away and chose not to have kids. However, my parents (who are divorced) both try to compensate for this inequality. I keep telling them it's unnecessary.
My ILs are obsessed with things being equal as well. As they are 80, they are starting to look into gifting their assets. Unfortunately, they don't trust my SIL (there are two boys- my H and his brother). So, they won't gift H anything because they are uneasy with gifting his brother. We told them to just renovate their house with the money. Might as well enjoy it while they can!
When my mom passed, my brother and SIL were not doing well in their marriage. My mom had a few bank accounts that had my sister as payable on death and she was to split them evenly between the three of us. She kept his portion in a separate account JIC they divorced. We also waited as long as possible to file the claim on her life insurance for the same reason. Not that this is the only solution, but as long as everyone trusts everyone else, your ILs could make your H the sole beneficiary and he could hold on to the assets for his brother.
My family is sort of a mix... things are equal, but not. Help given where needed. Things like Christmas gifts are given equally (equal monetary value spent), and inheritances would be split equally. The "day to day" stuff varies, and that is more than fine with me.
There are a bunch of various things where one or both of my parents helped one of us do something, but did not compensate the others, while in another instance helped a different child with something else. Even though it may not tally up the exact same, I think it all works out in the end. Unless one of my parents was completely footing the bill for one of my siblings, as in my sibling taking advantage of the situation, I don't care who gets what or being compensated in return. My parents are adults, they can choose to spend their money how they like.
In DH's family, his brother and sister on his mom's side have gotten help when DH hasn't. At first it used to bother him, but he'd never accept money from his parents anyway, and he is now thankful because he is in a much better position than his siblings. DH's dad is a bit more about being equal, but not at the same time. He sent them both to Hungary, to visit his family. DH went when he was 16, SIL went some years later in her early/mid twenties.
Re: Have you talked to your parents about retirement?
I also respectfully disagree that it has nothing to do with us. My own grandfather took on a huge amount of debt when both of his parents passed away. And honestly it worries me that a day could come where they're in a situation where they can't afford regular health care, or even their grocery bill. I don't want my ILs in that situation if there's something we can do now or over the next 15ish years to help prevent that possibility. I think I'd feel differently if I saw that they had been clearly irresponsible with their money like your ILs seem to have been, but they've been hardworking, frugal people their entire lives with an unfortunate amount of bad luck.
My extended family has a very communal approach to money, basically the exact opposite of the bolded sentiment in Jenna's comment. Parents continue to give their kids money throughout their adult lives, and those kids are expected to do the same for their kids. So far it has worked out in my favor- I'm basically the only person I know IRL who went through undergrad and getting a Masters without taking out any student loans, because my grandparents helped my parents save for college a lot. We also had a much more comfortable childhood in terms of luxuries like vacations, theme park passes etc. because of help from my grandparents.
The converse of this is, there's a strong expectation we will do the same for our own kids and grandkids. The system breaks down pretty quickly if you refuse to pay it forward to the next generation.
I don't know- personally I like the "it takes a village" mentality in my family and obviously anyone would be happy to know they have a large safety net if they get into financial trouble (which has happened plenty of times to various aunts, uncles and cousins). But it definitely isn't a very "American" attitude, culturally speaking. It's interesting to read about the value other families place on each unit being completely independent and keeping all their financial business to themselves.
Which is why I drive an 11 year old car.
After my mom got terminally ill at age 56, we've started talking about this with my dad. My mom and stepdad had everything already planned out but when we found out she was dying - like, soon - they changed a few things and my mom's estate was easy for us to manage after her death. Dad will be totally different. We're trying to convince him to retire (he has a manual labor job and he's almost 66, but his miles exceed his years) and he's not healthy. After a lot of discussions, he finally made a will and my sister and I are just going to buy a plot for him since he won't. We want him (he does too) to be in the cemetery with his parents and my mom and there aren't many plots left.
H's parents, on the other hand, are another story. His mom and stepdad have enough money to do whatever they want and are retired in their 50s. Yet, they want to live with us when they get older. NOPE. I'll pay for their care myself before they spend more than a week with me. His dad and stepmom are already totally broke and don't work (also in their 50s). I have no idea what their plans are and H tries to stay far far away from that.
FH's parents both retired early and while I can't be sure, based on my knowledge of where they worked and the long time that they were employed, they have sizable retirement accounts and pensions. They also have had no mortgage for a couple decades at least. I feel confident in their financial situation. However, FH's dad is in the early stages of a Parkinsonian disease and his mom recently had a breast cancer diagnosis (with a positive outlook, but you never know about the future). So, depending on their health and quality of life, they may need to be frugal in their older years because of medical costs. We are waiting for an announcement in the next few years that they are selling the house and moving to Florida to be with FMIL's sister and her kids. I am 99% sure that will happen, and FMIL has hinted at it. We probably won't discuss their plans with them as FH is soooo not the type to bring it up and it's not my place. The only exception, I think, would be if/when FFIL's disease becomes advanced and any end-of-life or POA things need to be discussed.
My mom has been the breadwinner of our family since the 90's so when I talk about money as it relates to my parents, it's usually coming from my mom. My dad owned a family business for decades that made just enough to sustain itself, and then went under in the housing bust. He sold it but it was just enough to pay his accounts off. He works for my uncle and is setting up his farm to be a side business (they are planting an orchard). Mom doesn't disclose #'s to me, but I know she's borrowed from her 401(k) a couple of times. She always pays the loans back with interest, but the loss of earnings in the meantime (especially when the market was low) has probably cost her quite a bit. She has a nice job and an excellent salary, beyond what my FH and I make together. (Can't wait for FH to finish his engineering degree lol!) They are at the beginning of their mortgage, though, and needing to buy a car which they'll take out a note for. So, she'll likely need to continue to work for the next 10-12 years, and after that, to be very frugal and try to live off the farm's business earnings and keep retirement funds for medical costs.
However, as I said above, we are 100% open to taking care of them in their elderly years. I would prefer them to live with us, or at least near us, rather than putting them into a home. That is a tradition in my family, I guess, and I feel pretty strongly about it.
I will be very comfortable butting into their business about legal and medical issues when the time comes. They're my parents, we are family. It affects all of us. I would never say, "Do you have enough saved for retirement?" but I would definitely ask what their plans are, talk through the options, and offer to help, especially in a few decades when they get into their mid- to late-80's and can't be orchardists anymore.
I really think it has so much to do with what you see growing up. It didn't occur to me to think of my elderly parents moving in with me as a burden because it's just what is done in my family. Then again, my whole extended family kind of tends to live "compound style," as in it's very common for siblings and cousins and parents and kids to all just buy houses next to each other and be in and out of each others' places day-to-day.
In other words, the man was not safe at his home. He needed professional care. We could not convince his wife to allow it! Yes, he had long term care insurance.
Keeping your elderly relatives in your home is not always the best thing to do for them. It may be painful, but do not allow them to guilt you into keeping them in your home when they would be far safer and better off in a care facility.
That being said, aging is always going to come with a set of health challenges. I will happily do my best to accommodate run-of-the-mill issues but I hope I'll be able to recognize when it's beyond my ability.
My grandfather had Alzheimer's. My grandmother hid from us how sick he really us, insisting that she could take care of him. When we finally all found out how bad it was, we were all heartbroken. We put him in a home, because it's just not possible to take of a person with advanced Alzheimer's without proper medical assistance.
If you're going to have these conversations with your parents, you need to be realistic. What if one of them becomes immobile? Do you really think you'll be able to lift them up out of a chair? Bathe them? Care for them while you're working? My grandmother is turning 94 this year, and it's hard enough with all hands on deck (my mom, my dad, her brother and sister, myself and my brother).
To me, these are more important conversations to have than, "Can you afford to retire?"
It's always tough to talk about money with family. It does not appear to be an issue for my parents based on the assumptions I'm making. I don't anticipate surprises there and I'm the executor of their will.
For my IL's, my own concern is that what they've planned isn't going to work and then they won't have a backup. By that I mean I think they want to leave this state and live closer to BIL and SIL and I just don't know how successful that will be. I think my MIL really loves where they are now but it's not cost effective long term. She also now hates the place they purchased to spend their summers into the older years and I don't know how well that will go or what she'll do if FIL goes first. It's a conversation no one has had other than DH saying, "She's not living here!"
The only time I think it's ever prudent to bring it up well in advance is if you find yourselves repeatedly bailing out your parents for bad financial decisions. There's big difference in shooting a few hundred bucks towards your ILs every now and then and being their bail-out plan. I've seen some people watch their IL's make very bad decisions (like the multiple mortgage situation above) and they were previously approached for financial assistance. While it's bound to go poorly, if your parents make it your problem then it is.
H and I were just talking about longer term care insurance. I'm totally bummed I probably won't qualify since I had/have cancer. If I can keep the cancer in remission, I'm 17 years younger than H and do not have any kids. So, I REALLY, REALLY have to take care of myself or be prepared to do so. I was hoping the long term care insurance would help with that. GAH!
Also, totally with you on the medical bills. I'm up around $1M as well. I, thankfully, have a very reasonable out of pocket max per year.
There is no money. She does not have long term care insurance. She shares her condo with her adult son, but she bought it at the height of the real estate bubble, and selling it will be very difficult. Until she is able to sell it, she cannot qualify for medicaid. She understands none of this. Her daughter has power of attorney for her. Daughter also has three young children of her own, and must serve as daycare for her mother.
This could happen to you. Before she became ill, my cousin was an intelligent, independent woman with a good job and benefits. Please, make plans for yourself to assure that you aren't a burden on your own children.
Financially and socially, nothing tears a family apart more than caring for sick parents (if it were to come to that one day).
Long Term Care Insurance is the best investment you and your loved ones could make.
I work in this type of insurance and you're right that you probably won't qualify for long term care insurance. I'm not an underwriter so you may want to still look into it, but in my experience, it's difficult to get if you aren't perfectly healthy and it's kind of expensive. My dad doesn't have and wouldn't qualify for LTC insurance and that scares me.
Now my H's family is the complete opposite. They are in the mind frame of "if you want something then you have to pay for it" which is fine. If we ever needed money because we got into a bad situation I can guarantee you that we would need to pay his parents back while my parents would just hand me a check without any need for repayment. But I can say that both H and I are more comfortable talking to my parents about money then we are talking to his.
As for the initial OP, I would never feel comfortable talking to my ILs about their retirement plans. Wills, end of life care, etc, is a different story. But as to when and if they are able to retire, eh, that is a subject that I would not be okay discussing. If they felt they needed some assistance or help with their retirement that is what a professional financial planner is for.
My mom keeps saying she will have to work until she dies but I know she is joking. She has retirement set up and could probably retire in 10 or 15 years. She has life insurance as well.
MIL just went back to work full time for the first time in 6 years and before that she had worked for about 5 years full time. up until then she did not work full time ever. She is vested with the State with her combined work so she will have decent retirement and insurance. FIL passed away last week and luckily she had doubled his life insurance to $20,000 so it was enough for the funeral expenses and for her to have some in savings while she adjusts to not having his income (only part time and made about $1,000/month).
It is a relief that our parents all work for the State and know that they will have decent retirement benefits and insurance. If they needed to be put in a nursing home eventually their retirement funds should cover it but all of the siblings have agreed we could contribute.
Both my mom and MIL have said they would rather be in a nursing home than burden us kids. However, my dad is very adamant that he doesn't want to be in a nursing home and we want to all do our best to honor his wishes and hopefully could afford an in-home nurse if needed.
Our parents all brought the subject up to us so we didn't have to but I think it is a touchy subject. You could always bring it in a way that you and your H are trying to plan your retirement and didn't know if they had any suggestions.
Anyway, so he's suggested to us, we buy a house and land, he'll sell his farm, give us some of the money toward house+land, then he'll come live with us. Financially, that would benefit us. The challenge is what he wants vs. what we want. He thinks we should buy 100 acres if we could (yeah right, could never afford that, even if he gave us all the money from his farm), but we don't want a "farm", but would be happy on an acreage.
FIL is also a difficult man to live with. He's very set in his ways, opinionated and has maintained strong viewpoints from his youth (regarding race, gender, man vs. women roles, all the hot topics). SO- what we've decided is that we will buy a house on some land, but FIL will get a permanent mobile home set on the other side of the acreage from us that is his, and ours is ours.
There is still a lot more to discuss, and sometimes I have to push DH to have these conversations, rather than just "figuring it out when the time comes".
There is definitely a difference in family values. My family is of the North American mindset, where as DH's parents are both immigrants from Europe. At least with DH's dad, they expect that we would take care of them.
To me, it's completely crazy to give those two brothers the exact same amount, but it's their money and their prerogative- and I can see the appeal of wanting to avoid breeding resentment among the siblings. In my family, on the other hand, my grandparents have given and will continue to give much more money to their two children who have kids of their own, and not as much (though still some) to my double-income-no-kids aunt and her partner. How do y'alls families handle this kind of stuff? Would you plan to treat you real or hypothetical kids completely equally?
I guess I'm also fortunate enough to come from a family that lives forever. All 4 of my grandparents are 88 years old and they all live on their own still in house/condo. So in my eyes, someone being 73 and not healthy enough to live on their own is crazy and just not something that I see in my family.
So I guess for me I look at the question from both sides....it's ok to give more support to one child over another during the lifetime of the parents (if they need the extra support) but when it comes down to death and inheritance, it's the most simple to just split everything evenly among the children versus having to go Child A gets half of my estate and Children B, C, and D have to split the remaining half among each other. On the other hand, if Child A has been providing financial support, health care, etc. to the parents prior to their end of life, I can see how it's fair that Child A is probably entitled to more in the minds of his or her parents. I dunno, it's complicated. I think the situation is going to vary significantly among every family.
I think splitting everything by the 4 of us is the most fair. If my parents want to give something to the grandkids directly, then split it by the 4 of us. That's cool. (actually I think the most fair, as I do not trust one of my brothers passing on something to their kids). I just don't like the idea that people who are successful and/or have more kids some how deserve more.
That said, my parents give more to my brothers than my sister and I now. If we do a group family trip my brothers and their families expenses are always paid. My sister and mine are not. I get it. If they didn't pay we would not see my brothers. I would be lying if I didn't say it was annoying that my sister and I have to make financial plans for vacations and my brothers get a free ride.
I'm not sure giving the ones who have less more money is always the right answer.
Now H's parents, large scale money wise I have no idea. But from what I can tell they (more his Dad then his Mom) do not just give out money. We (me, H, his parents, and his sister and her H) went out to dinner over the Christmas holiday. We all got about the same things price wise so when the bill came I figured we would divide by 3 and that be that. His Dad wanted to get it down to the cent. He tends to refuse to pay one penny more then what he owes or put one penny more towards anyone else's amount. But then again I find having to be so damn exact when it comes to a food bill irksome.
Our families do everything equally as well. However, in my case, I fully expect my brother and his family to get more "time" support than me. I moved away from home right after college. My brother still lives in the same area as my parents, works for my dad, and my mom is the day care for my nephews. I can't possibly be upset about that because I am the one that chose to move away and chose not to have kids. However, my parents (who are divorced) both try to compensate for this inequality. I keep telling them it's unnecessary.
My ILs are obsessed with things being equal as well. As they are 80, they are starting to look into gifting their assets. Unfortunately, they don't trust my SIL (there are two boys- my H and his brother). So, they won't gift H anything because they are uneasy with gifting his brother. We told them to just renovate their house with the money. Might as well enjoy it while they can!
There are a bunch of various things where one or both of my parents helped one of us do something, but did not compensate the others, while in another instance helped a different child with something else. Even though it may not tally up the exact same, I think it all works out in the end. Unless one of my parents was completely footing the bill for one of my siblings, as in my sibling taking advantage of the situation, I don't care who gets what or being compensated in return. My parents are adults, they can choose to spend their money how they like.
In DH's family, his brother and sister on his mom's side have gotten help when DH hasn't. At first it used to bother him, but he'd never accept money from his parents anyway, and he is now thankful because he is in a much better position than his siblings. DH's dad is a bit more about being equal, but not at the same time. He sent them both to Hungary, to visit his family. DH went when he was 16, SIL went some years later in her early/mid twenties.