Wedding 911

My Parents Cancelled My Wedding...

Hi Ladies...I'm feeling pretty numb. A month ago FI lost his job. (He was working 40 hours plus going to school in another state). In the few weeks after that he was acting pretty depressed, and my parents were angry at him because they felt that he should be bouncing right back and job searching. 

My parents (who were paying for our wedding) called me at the beginning of last week to tell me that they are no longer behind us getting married and will no longer be paying for our wedding (STDs have already gone out). They have cancelled all the vendors and hotel blocks. The most amazing thing is that they think FI & I am being immature and manipulative because I have said that I/we are hurt. 

I am at such a loss for what to do. I don't want to push forward and keep the same wedding date just to prove a point, but I feel like postponing is letting them dictate our lives. I am just trying to wrap my head around the idea that if we do push on with our current date (aka start from scratch with 8 months to plan) my family may not be there to celebrate with me.
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Re: My Parents Cancelled My Wedding...

  • Hi Ladies...I'm feeling pretty numb. A month ago FI lost his job. (He was working 40 hours plus going to school in another state). In the few weeks after that he was acting pretty depressed, and my parents were angry at him because they felt that he should be bouncing right back and job searching. 

    My parents (who were paying for our wedding) called me at the beginning of last week to tell me that they are no longer behind us getting married and will no longer be paying for our wedding (STDs have already gone out). They have cancelled all the vendors and hotel blocks. The most amazing thing is that they think FI & I am being immature and manipulative because I have said that I/we are hurt. 

    I am at such a loss for what to do. I don't want to push forward and keep the same wedding date just to prove a point, but I feel like postponing is letting them dictate our lives. I am just trying to wrap my head around the idea that if we do push on with our current date (aka start from scratch with 8 months to plan) my family may not be there to celebrate with me.
    I get both sides of this. I would feel depressed about losing my job, but at a certain point you need to move on. But if this only happened a month ago, what could your FI actually done besides update his resume? Most companies aren't really hiring around Christmas and the New Years. Once the beginning of the year hit, he should have started something. 

    As for them pulling all funding, they who pay gets a say. BUT I still think it was crazy to do so soon. I'm not sure where you are, but it took me a good year to find a new job (although I was employed). I don't agree with them saying that you are immature and manipulative for saying that you are hurt. It doesn't seem as though you demanded for them to continue to pay for your wedding. you are allowed to have feelings about this.

    As for your wedding, you have two choices, carry on with your date or postpone. I don't know your financial situation, but if you carry on, you will still need to invite everyone you sent STD to, but 8 months is plenty of time to plan. If you postpone, you will need to let the people who received a STD know that the wedding is postponed - probably via mail so you don't need to have any conversations as to why it is postponed.
    OurWildKingdom
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    AddieCake said:
    Wow. Pretty harsh. I would just send out notice that the wedding will not take place as planned and then elope.
    I would do the same.  What your parents did is crossing so far over the line of judgment into cruelty that I seriously don't think I could ever trust them or have a healthy relationship ever again with them in the future.
    short+sassy[Deleted User]cowgirl8238MesmrEwe
  • So... DH's job was phased out, unannounced and without any signs/warnings, the weekend of my bridal shower, two months before our wedding. We were splitting the cost of the wedding with my parents.  Never once did they suggest we cancel/I break off the engagement because DH was now unemployed.  They understood that cruddy things happen and this wasn't a reflection of DH.  In fact, they encouraged us both to be optimistic about the job loss as an opportunity to find something better.  Things family *should* do, IMO.

    I agree with PPs that had my parents reacted as yours did, it would merit a serious reevaluation of my relationship with them, as well as a re-prioritizing of what I wanted out of my wedding.  I would send out notices that your wedding isn't occurring as originally planned, and then elope/marry privately, when you and your FI feel the time is right and when you both feel you're in a good place given these setbacks.  Best of luck to you!
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    MesmrEwe
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Damn. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope things turn around soon!



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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    scribe95 said:
    I really feel like I am missing way too many details to make a judgment on what the parents did. 


    This. OP, have your parents always been like this? Holding shit over your head and kind of manipulative?

    Based on the info given, OP, I'm sorry. This is terrible. I would be absolutely irate and would have a hard time having a normal relationship with my parents after this, at least for a while.

    PPs had good advice. If you want to keep your date (which I totally would and understand why you do), you can scale down the plans and keep the same guest list. Have a ceremony in a local park, church, VFW hall, something like that at like 2:00 and serve cake, punch, water and veggie trays after. There are a lot of ways to have inexpensive weddings and we can help, should you choose to go that route.

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    MesmrEwe
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    scribe95 said:
    I really feel like I am missing way too many details to make a judgment on what the parents did. 
    Me too.

    On the surface it seems really odd and manipulative.   However,  I feel like there is way more to the story then him losing his job a month ago and be a little depressed over the issue.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    db1984GlamQueenBride
  • Facing an upcoming marriage with one partner unemployed can be tough, and I could understand postponing things if it were really distressing for the bride and groom. But it is not rationale for canceling things altogether -- marriage is about working through good times and bad "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health." What if it had been you who had lost your job? Would your parents be so quick to disapprove of your marriage then? I'm guessing not.

    My FI is going to graduate with a doctorate in ancient history in May, two months before we get married, and currently has no job prospects whatsoever (woo, humanities!). It has definitely been a source of some anxiety for both his and my parents, and especially for him. Nobody, however, has suggested we not get married or tried to cut funding out from under us due to this. I would be devastated if this happened, and, as PPs suggested, probably pull together a small group of supportive friends and just have a small ceremony and afternoon reception. 
                        


    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    MesmrEwe
  • @banana468 @scribe95 ;
    I am 27, he is 33. We met when we were in school together. We have been engaged for 5+ years, together for 7 years this past Monday. Up until December, he was working the overnight shift as a security guard at a small college, at the same time driving down to CT to take courses to finish his college degree. (College has taken longer for him partially due to some time in the military, partially due to transferring schools and credits not lining up, and then for the last 2+ years he has only been able to take classes that are available Mon-Wed). Thankfully he is finally done with his degree so we are not paying tuition anymore on top of his job loss. 

    Since the beginning of January he has been working for his father, applying for jobs and studying to retake the LSAT one more time. The test is Feb 6th and after that he will start a more serious job search. He is applying to law schools, hopefully for the upcoming academic year, which is something that he has always wanted to do. A good family friend of his has offered him the opportunity to take over her law firm upon graduation. 

    Now obviously there are a lot of "what-ifs" here, and FI and I are aware of that, but I don't see that as a reason to pull the plug on a wedding.

    Also, a bit of a timeline: FI was let go on 12/15, my parents pulled the plug on 1/5, so three weeks and a lot of that was holiday. 

  • Sorry this is happening, OP.  Do your parents often make rash decisions like this?  And have they always had a problem with your FI, and are using this as an excuse to disapprove of your wedding?  It seems crazy to me that they would both cancel the wedding AND disapprove of your marriage just because your FI lost his job a few weeks ago - especially when it seems like he has some good prospects and has his shit together in general (just from what you posted).  


  • Sorry this is happening, OP.  Do your parents often make rash decisions like this?  And have they always had a problem with your FI, and are using this as an excuse to disapprove of your wedding?  It seems crazy to me that they would both cancel the wedding AND disapprove of your marriage just because your FI lost his job a few weeks ago - especially when it seems like he has some good prospects and has his shit together in general (just from what you posted).  
    This.   Is there more back story to your parents??

    It's just an odd reaction that I expected if you were both very young. 
  • Thanks @frenchiekin...There's a part of me that thinks they are just flipping out and will get over themselves (my mother has a tendency to do this, and also my grandmother just died on xmas eve, so I'm sure that is making everyone's emotions a lot bigger) and the biggest thing I keep hearing from them is that we are not planning on the $$ front, and that they object to me accumulating debt with him and moving/giving up my job for him when/if he gets into law school. The thing is my current job (while I love it) doesn't pay enough and I've gone as far as I can on the promotion front (we are a very small company). At the same time we live in a small rural town where it is hard to find any decent job, so in order for me to grow professionally we would probably have to look at moving anyway. 

    My mother is a financial planner, and front her standpoint he should already have an established career and be thinking about retirement, not taking on more schooling/debt, and while I get that taking on more debt is not ideal, we have both been saving what we can, we both have IRA/401Ks that we are making it a priority to contribute to, and there's only so much one can plan for before you just take it day by day.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    So where are you living OP?  And how far away are you from where your FI lives?
  • Are you both living independently on your own - i.e. not living with your parents and relying on them for basic living expenses?
    VicTim328
  • @scribe95 yes FI & I share an apartment in VT. When we moved up here FI hadn't finished his degree yet, and his college is close to Hartford, FI's parents live closer to school. So for example at the end of last year on Wednesday night he would work 11-7 in VT, leave work, drive most of the way to Hartford, pull over at a rest stop to take a nap, finish his drive to make it in time for Spanish class 11am-2pm, then scoot back to his parents house to sleep off being basically awake for 24 hours. He usually wouldn't wake up until mid-day Thursday or early Thursday evening. Then he would drive back to VT to work 11-7 again, come home to our apartment (10 miles from work) and sleep as much as he could, get some schoolwork done etc...then back to work 7-7 Friday night, sleep Saturday most of the day, work Saturday 7-7, then he would have Sunday, Monday & Tuesday off. So he was spending time at his parents house, and I guess you could say he was "living" there part-time, but he and I have been maintaining/sharing the bills for the same apartment together for just over two years now. 
    MesmrEwe
  • :( :( :(

    It sounds like you're both hard working and doing everything you can to be smart and make sure you're on the right track....but at a certain point, you also have to take risks and sacrifices to establish yourself and make sure your life is worthwhile (that is, being together and having time for each other & family, not just work and school). You're old enough to have careers and think of savings, but still not so old that you don't have time to save AFTER you make the sacrifices to be in school and establish a career. It sounds like he's already ahead of the curve by not being in debt from college (if I understood your comment about tuition), which is more than most of us can say right after graduating.

    I hope your mother realizes that soon. Good luck!
    charlotte989875OliveOilsMomSP29
  • Ditto to what @JediElizabeth said. Debt is never something to idly jump into if you can avoid it, but it sounds like you and your FI have pretty good money sense. As somebody who is a bit of an older student in law school (just started at age 27), I just want to note that there are a number of people in my class who are in their 30s or even 40s. A lot of older students had jobs we did before that we were not happy or satisfied with. The way I see it, most people spend more waking hours in their jobs than in their homes. A lot of people will invest $100,000 or more on a house. You and your FI will be investing that in getting a job he wants to do for the next 30 years of his life. I hope you are able to figure out a way to continue doing what you love also, whether at your present job or somewhere else but doing something similar. 

                        


    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    SP29mollybarker11
  • @JediElizabeth ;
    he does have student loan debt but his last year+ of school we were paying tuition out of pocket and also making student loan payments
  • @JediElizabeth ;
    he does have student loan debt but his last year+ of school we were paying tuition out of pocket and also making student loan payments

    In that case, the rest of what I said applies. Mostly that I hope your parents come to their senses, but also that sometimes the smartest thing to do is to temporarily sacrifice salary/savings in order to set yourself up for a career you want. Let us know what happens - it doesn't sound like either of you deserve this treatment at all.
  • I am sorry that your parents are being so harsh, OP. 

    Whether you keep your current wedding date or choose a new one, keep your parents away from the planning completely. Plan what you can afford; there is nothing wrong with having a simple wedding. If your parents apologize and offer to pay for the wedding again, decline, and do not allow them anywhere near any of your vendors. At this point, all they should be doing is showing up that day...and if for some reason they choose not to, that's on them, not you.
    image
    OliveOilsMomSP29adk19cowgirl8238
  • Thanks all. I know that they are majorly overstepping their boundaries. I haven't spoken to them at all since Tuesday of last week, not because I want to give them the silent treatment, but because they cannot wrap their heads around why FI & I are hurt, so I am not prepared to have any kind of conversation with them until it can be a productive one. 

    I have been starting to look at alternative venues, caterers etc...because I feel like the only way to move past this is to move forward. Here's my question: back in October my parents insisted on sending STDs to all 155 guests. Do I have to stick to the original list? I am torn because I feel like nobody on the guest list did anything wrong, so I hate the idea of cutting them out. 
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