Wedding 911
ladyinthewhitedress
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My Parents Cancelled My Wedding...
in Wedding 911
Hi Ladies...I'm feeling pretty numb. A month ago FI lost his job. (He was working 40 hours plus going to school in another state). In the few weeks after that he was acting pretty depressed, and my parents were angry at him because they felt that he should be bouncing right back and job searching.
My parents (who were paying for our wedding) called me at the beginning of last week to tell me that they are no longer behind us getting married and will no longer be paying for our wedding (STDs have already gone out). They have cancelled all the vendors and hotel blocks. The most amazing thing is that they think FI & I am being immature and manipulative because I have said that I/we are hurt.
I am at such a loss for what to do. I don't want to push forward and keep the same wedding date just to prove a point, but I feel like postponing is letting them dictate our lives. I am just trying to wrap my head around the idea that if we do push on with our current date (aka start from scratch with 8 months to plan) my family may not be there to celebrate with me.
My parents (who were paying for our wedding) called me at the beginning of last week to tell me that they are no longer behind us getting married and will no longer be paying for our wedding (STDs have already gone out). They have cancelled all the vendors and hotel blocks. The most amazing thing is that they think FI & I am being immature and manipulative because I have said that I/we are hurt.
I am at such a loss for what to do. I don't want to push forward and keep the same wedding date just to prove a point, but I feel like postponing is letting them dictate our lives. I am just trying to wrap my head around the idea that if we do push on with our current date (aka start from scratch with 8 months to plan) my family may not be there to celebrate with me.
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Re: My Parents Cancelled My Wedding...
I am so sorry this is happening. Your parents are being pretty cruel in holding this wedding above your heads. Before you start re-planning this wedding, I would advise that you send out simple cards to all people who received STDs and simply say, "The wedding of Bride and Groom will not take place as planned on date."
It seems a little unclear, but are you living with your parents or with your FI in the other state? My advice might change depending on which it is. But for now, just support your FI in his job loss. I would not be talking much with my parents, if at all. They ARE being cruel to your FI.
Take some time to adjust to this new reality. Then when you are both ready, plan the wedding that you two can afford. If that means going off to elope just the two of you or planning a smaller wedding, let the choice be yours completely. An inexpensive wedding can be as simple as a cake & punch reception, this must be held over a non-meal time, like a 2 PM or 8 PM ceremony start.
As for them pulling all funding, they who pay gets a say. BUT I still think it was crazy to do so soon. I'm not sure where you are, but it took me a good year to find a new job (although I was employed). I don't agree with them saying that you are immature and manipulative for saying that you are hurt. It doesn't seem as though you demanded for them to continue to pay for your wedding. you are allowed to have feelings about this.
As for your wedding, you have two choices, carry on with your date or postpone. I don't know your financial situation, but if you carry on, you will still need to invite everyone you sent STD to, but 8 months is plenty of time to plan. If you postpone, you will need to let the people who received a STD know that the wedding is postponed - probably via mail so you don't need to have any conversations as to why it is postponed.
I see this as way too controlling and judgey of your parents. So he lost his job. It can take a long time to get a new one. People are allowed to feel depressed over it. One month is NOT long at all on feelings over losing a job.
I see this as them (highly judgmentally) saying, "We're not paying for a wedding for you to someone unemployed." Furthermore, what would happen if you two were already married and one of you lost a job? Are they going to butt into your business then too? How much control are they exerting here? Talk about a lack of compassion from these people.
Frankly, if I were you, I'd take the advice above to either replan your wedding from scratch with your own budget (accommodating all guests who received an STD) or send notice that the wedding isn't taking place as planned and elope.
I honestly have no idea how I would handle my relationship with my parents after this. I would definitely not be talking to them for a bit while I sorted out my feelings and thoughts.
Finally, your parents have no right to dictate how quickly your FI should be starting a job search. That is something that is between you and your FI. Period.
Good luck to your FI on his job search. Hopefully he can find something quickly.
I agree with PPs that had my parents reacted as yours did, it would merit a serious reevaluation of my relationship with them, as well as a re-prioritizing of what I wanted out of my wedding. I would send out notices that your wedding isn't occurring as originally planned, and then elope/marry privately, when you and your FI feel the time is right and when you both feel you're in a good place given these setbacks. Best of luck to you!
Now you are free to plan a wedding, on a different date, that you can afford. I planned mine in two months. You can do this, too. Stick to the basics.
1. Morning or afternoon ceremony
Eloping is also a good idea. Just understand that this will be your wedding, and that there will be no re-do weddings later.
What you parents have done is manipulative and controlling. You need to cut those apron strings right now. Chances are, when they find out that you are going ahead with your plans, the will come back and want to control your wedding again. Don't fall for it. It is simply another move to control your life.
You need counseling to understand how abusive your parents have been. This is not something that you will be easily able to realize. Good luck.
This. OP, have your parents always been like this? Holding shit over your head and kind of manipulative?
Based on the info given, OP, I'm sorry. This is terrible. I would be absolutely irate and would have a hard time having a normal relationship with my parents after this, at least for a while.
PPs had good advice. If you want to keep your date (which I totally would and understand why you do), you can scale down the plans and keep the same guest list. Have a ceremony in a local park, church, VFW hall, something like that at like 2:00 and serve cake, punch, water and veggie trays after. There are a lot of ways to have inexpensive weddings and we can help, should you choose to go that route.
On the surface it seems really odd and manipulative. However, I feel like there is way more to the story then him losing his job a month ago and be a little depressed over the issue.
My FI is going to graduate with a doctorate in ancient history in May, two months before we get married, and currently has no job prospects whatsoever (woo, humanities!). It has definitely been a source of some anxiety for both his and my parents, and especially for him. Nobody, however, has suggested we not get married or tried to cut funding out from under us due to this. I would be devastated if this happened, and, as PPs suggested, probably pull together a small group of supportive friends and just have a small ceremony and afternoon reception.
How old are you? How old is your FI? How long have you been together? What did he do for a living? What did he do once he lost his job? Where are you living?
What was the process of booking a wedding looking like? How will you support yourselves if he's out of work?
Before I'm going to start the 'your parents suck' chant, I'd love to know a little more about the backstory.
I am 27, he is 33. We met when we were in school together. We have been engaged for 5+ years, together for 7 years this past Monday. Up until December, he was working the overnight shift as a security guard at a small college, at the same time driving down to CT to take courses to finish his college degree. (College has taken longer for him partially due to some time in the military, partially due to transferring schools and credits not lining up, and then for the last 2+ years he has only been able to take classes that are available Mon-Wed). Thankfully he is finally done with his degree so we are not paying tuition anymore on top of his job loss.
Since the beginning of January he has been working for his father, applying for jobs and studying to retake the LSAT one more time. The test is Feb 6th and after that he will start a more serious job search. He is applying to law schools, hopefully for the upcoming academic year, which is something that he has always wanted to do. A good family friend of his has offered him the opportunity to take over her law firm upon graduation.
Now obviously there are a lot of "what-ifs" here, and FI and I are aware of that, but I don't see that as a reason to pull the plug on a wedding.
Also, a bit of a timeline: FI was let go on 12/15, my parents pulled the plug on 1/5, so three weeks and a lot of that was holiday.
It's just an odd reaction that I expected if you were both very young.
My mother is a financial planner, and front her standpoint he should already have an established career and be thinking about retirement, not taking on more schooling/debt, and while I get that taking on more debt is not ideal, we have both been saving what we can, we both have IRA/401Ks that we are making it a priority to contribute to, and there's only so much one can plan for before you just take it day by day.
It sounds like you're both hard working and doing everything you can to be smart and make sure you're on the right track....but at a certain point, you also have to take risks and sacrifices to establish yourself and make sure your life is worthwhile (that is, being together and having time for each other & family, not just work and school). You're old enough to have careers and think of savings, but still not so old that you don't have time to save AFTER you make the sacrifices to be in school and establish a career. It sounds like he's already ahead of the curve by not being in debt from college (if I understood your comment about tuition), which is more than most of us can say right after graduating.
I hope your mother realizes that soon. Good luck!
he does have student loan debt but his last year+ of school we were paying tuition out of pocket and also making student loan payments
Part of me wonders if they suddenly realised they couldn't afford this wedding anymore, panicked, and are using this as an excuse to save face. It just seems really out of the blue.
The best attitude you can have is "we are getting married regardless of the party you throw". If you want friends there, have a casual BBQ hosted by yourselves or a cake and punch wedding.
I find the best way to deal with manipulation and threats is to show the person that they have absolutely no bearing on your plans one way or the other. Don;t cry, argue, get upset or fight- its not worth it. Just say very calmly "well, it is your money and you are free to spend it as you see fit, but I find it sad that you would do this in order to exhibit control on our relationship. We will be getting married, and will host it ourselves. I will send you an updated date and location of the wedding as I hope you will still be attending".
Whether you keep your current wedding date or choose a new one, keep your parents away from the planning completely. Plan what you can afford; there is nothing wrong with having a simple wedding. If your parents apologize and offer to pay for the wedding again, decline, and do not allow them anywhere near any of your vendors. At this point, all they should be doing is showing up that day...and if for some reason they choose not to, that's on them, not you.
I have been starting to look at alternative venues, caterers etc...because I feel like the only way to move past this is to move forward. Here's my question: back in October my parents insisted on sending STDs to all 155 guests. Do I have to stick to the original list? I am torn because I feel like nobody on the guest list did anything wrong, so I hate the idea of cutting them out.
Ideally we would love to keep our same list in a venue that fits everyone but I have no idea how we would pay for that.