Have you talked to your parents about retirement?

arrippa · January 2016

Maggie0829 said:

themosthappy91 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Now my H's family is the complete opposite. They are in the mind frame of "if you want something then you have to pay for it" which is fine. If we ever needed money because we got into a bad situation I can guarantee you that we would need to pay his parents back while my parents would just hand me a check without any need for repayment. But I can say that both H and I are more comfortable talking to my parents about money then we are talking to his.

Cutting down the quote tree, but yes this is exactly how it is with my H's family too! Another difference I think is interesting- and others can weigh in on how they feel about this/how their family handles this- is how in his family there is a lot of emphasis on everything being split exactly evenly, whereas in mine the people who need more, get more. So when H's wealthy grandparents die, their money will be split completely evenly to the cent across their three children, even though one is a multi-millionaire Fortune 500 CEO and one lost his job early in the recession and has been relatively unstable (I don't mean at risk of living in poverty or anything, but lots of stress about paying the mortgage etc.) ever since, though he is now employed again.

To me, it's completely crazy to give those two brothers the exact same amount, but it's their money and their prerogative- and I can see the appeal of wanting to avoid breeding resentment among the siblings. In my family, on the other hand, my grandparents have given and will continue to give much more money to their two children who have kids of their own, and not as much (though still some) to my double-income-no-kids aunt and her partner. How do y'alls families handle this kind of stuff? Would you plan to treat you real or hypothetical kids completely equally?

My parents are of the "everything equally" mind frame. But my sister and I aren't all that different financially. The only real difference between us is that she has kids and I don't, so of course my parents spend "more" money, so to speak, on my sisters family then mine. But that makes sense because there are more people in her family then there is in mine. But in regards to what my sister and I are given, it is always the same amount. For instance, my Mom gave my sister $1000 to help her and her H move. So my Mom gave me and my H $1000 to put towards our basement reno. Keeping everything the same and consistent just works for my parents. Now if my sis and I were complete opposites in regards to finances (one super successful making 6+ figures vs one who is barely scraping by) then maybe it would be different.

Now H's parents, large scale money wise I have no idea. But from what I can tell they (more his Dad then his Mom) do not just give out money. We (me, H, his parents, and his sister and her H) went out to dinner over the Christmas holiday. We all got about the same things price wise so when the bill came I figured we would divide by 3 and that be that. His Dad wanted to get it down to the cent. He tends to refuse to pay one penny more then what he owes or put one penny more towards anyone else's amount. But then again I find having to be so damn exact when it comes to a food bill irksome.

My mom is very equally giving to my brother and I or at least she wants to be. My brother got hurt and isn't working right now. My SIL is the only working parent to my nephew in that home. As a result, they are often running short of money. My mom helps them out a lot. But then she feels guilty that she doesn't give me money and tells me about it. I really don't care since I don't have kids and I make pretty good money. But she has a guilt complex about it.

themosthappy91 · January 2016

labro said:

@themosthappy91 In our family so far it seems inheritances are split evenly. And IMO it seems the most fair way to handle the assets (if any) that are being left behind. I think that's how I'd prefer to handle it myself. Pre-inheritance, you definitely see some family members who receive aid when others don't. My grandparents still support one of my uncles partially and I know my dad has given him some support in the past too. My youngest sister has seen a lot more financial support than either myself or my other sister ever did, but we didn't need it either. On H's side, his grandparents definitely favor and support some children over others, and I don't know how things will happen inheritance wise....other than it's going to probably be a fight among the kids and H's parents do not look forward to it.

So I guess for me I look at the question from both sides....it's ok to give more support to one child over another during the lifetime of the parents (if they need the extra support) but when it comes down to death and inheritance, it's the most simple to just split everything evenly among the children versus having to go Child A gets half of my estate and Children B, C, and D have to split the remaining half among each other. On the other hand, if Child A has been providing financial support, health care, etc. to the parents prior to their end of life, I can see how it's fair that Child A is probably entitled to more in the minds of his or her parents. I dunno, it's complicated. I think the situation is going to vary significantly among every family.

That's a really good point to raise- particularly since the original topic was end-of-life care! My dad's parents actually intended him to have the largest share of their inheritance (well not actually inheritance because they gave it to him before they passed away)- a large portion of property that they lived on, which was rather valuable (real estate in Hawaii is expensive!), but he gave it to his sister because he wanted to move away and she agreed to build her own home on the land next door to their parents and be the main sibling in charge of taking care of them in their old age.

It definitely strikes me as fair that the kid or kids who take on more care-taking responsibilities, if there are any, get extra consideration.

Jells2dot0 · January 2016

themosthappy91 said:

labro said:

@themosthappy91 In our family so far it seems inheritances are split evenly. And IMO it seems the most fair way to handle the assets (if any) that are being left behind. I think that's how I'd prefer to handle it myself. Pre-inheritance, you definitely see some family members who receive aid when others don't. My grandparents still support one of my uncles partially and I know my dad has given him some support in the past too. My youngest sister has seen a lot more financial support than either myself or my other sister ever did, but we didn't need it either. On H's side, his grandparents definitely favor and support some children over others, and I don't know how things will happen inheritance wise....other than it's going to probably be a fight among the kids and H's parents do not look forward to it.

So I guess for me I look at the question from both sides....it's ok to give more support to one child over another during the lifetime of the parents (if they need the extra support) but when it comes down to death and inheritance, it's the most simple to just split everything evenly among the children versus having to go Child A gets half of my estate and Children B, C, and D have to split the remaining half among each other. On the other hand, if Child A has been providing financial support, health care, etc. to the parents prior to their end of life, I can see how it's fair that Child A is probably entitled to more in the minds of his or her parents. I dunno, it's complicated. I think the situation is going to vary significantly among every family.

That's a really good point to raise- particularly since the original topic was end-of-life care! My dad's parents actually intended him to have the largest share of their inheritance (well not actually inheritance because they gave it to him before they passed away)- a large portion of property that they lived on, which was rather valuable (real estate in Hawaii is expensive!), but he gave it to his sister because he wanted to move away and she agreed to build her own home on the land next door to their parents and be the main sibling in charge of taking care of them in their old age.

It definitely strikes me as fair that the kid or kids who take on more care-taking responsibilities, if there are any, get extra consideration.

I get more than H's kids because of this. I'm his successor trustee so I can give myself a "salary" to manage the trust upon his death or incapacitation. But, I also get some other benefits. I know that seems strange because in traditional marriages/families, the wife just inherits and then it would eventually be passed to the kids. But, we have it set up where I do not just automatically inherit the motherload because his children are not mine.

kvruns · January 2016

themosthappy91 said:

To me, it's completely crazy to give those two brothers the exact same amount, but it's their money and their prerogative- and I can see the appeal of wanting to avoid breeding resentment among the siblings. In my family, on the other hand, my grandparents have given and will continue to give much more money to their two children who have kids of their own, and not as much (though still some) to my double-income-no-kids aunt and her partner. How do y'alls families handle this kind of stuff? Would you plan to treat you real or hypothetical kids completely equally?

***** Stuck in a box********
I think even across the board is the best way to do it. There are so many "what ifs" when it comes to trying to divide it up by person. Do you factor in what was paid for schooling (A went to state school for 10K, B went to private for 20K, C didn't go to college), or factor in family size, or jobs, etc. I think that is a rabbit hole I wouldn't want to go down trying to account for the $$ I gave each child along the way and factor it into my will.
Or saying Child A makes $100,000 per year and Child B makes $75,000 so I'm going to give Child A 25% less inheritance even though Child B might be better off financially thanks to good investments, better savings mentality, or that $50K he got from a car accident 20 years ago.
In my family there are 3 of us and it is all being split evenly. My parents paid for 2 of us to go to college, the 3rd chose not to go or it would have been paid for. That same child has received more annual financial support from my parents through the years because he has struggled financially and needed the help. I've never received anything from my parents because I'm completely financially independent. Although I receive more random things like lunch/dinner out or a small gift here or there because I am local and one brother is not. So perhaps the 2 of us who went to college and live locally will have received more over our lifetimes but no one would ever use that as a bargaining chip since those items were available to all 3, only 2 of us took it.
Edited to add: at the same time those of us who are local help out more. My brother lives closest and looks after their house while they're in FL for winter; I stay with mom if dad goes out of town sometimes to keep her company because she doesn't like being alone. If their health fails, local brother and I will be doing that part that our brother in another state won't be doing.

MissKittyDanger · January 2016

Given I'm an only child, I had to be informed of my parent's plans awhile ago when they set up their wills. After my dad passed, everything is still the same and my mother had decided that she will work forever.
I laugh but in the long run I can't see her staying home just bored, she hates being home alone now. Maybe if there's grandkids things will change.

Also, after my dad passed she put my name joint on all bank accounts in case something happens and I need to access it for whatever reason.

Something a lot of people didn't think of - but her lawyer made her go through it - if something happens to me and I have kids with H, the money goes to the kid(s) and depending on age it could go into a trust. If there is no children, my uncle is the next in line to deal with her assets - which to her request whoever wants items can have them and rest gets sold and money sent to Humane Society for animals.

spockforprez · January 2016

My parents don't feel the need to give each kid money when they give one money. But over the years they have helped us all. Each of my brothers has lived with them as a late-20's, early 30's adult at some point (one graduated from this phase successfully, the other is still stuck) and at other times, my mom has given them money or paid their phone bills for awhile, etc.

They lent me lots of money the first couple years I moved out because I managed to go broke pretty much immediately. (I was either going to move out or buy a car. I loved my car but was concerned about its health - I had it looked at and was told I'd get another 3-4 years on it, and so I moved out. 9 days after I moved into my apartment the car died. Hello car note on top of rent and utilities!) I paid it back (she gave me about $3k total over two years) because that was important to me, but the sentiment remains.

Mom is paying for half of my wedding and I don't plan to pay that back. She's offered me money again now that I'm unemployed, but we don't need it at the moment and likely won't in the future.

I don't know if all the help has been equal, monetarily, between me and my brothers. To me the more important thing is that they have always been there to support us when we need it. Really, that's one of the reasons I am set on taking care of them, whether physically or financially. I love the hell out of them.

madamerwin · January 2016

spockforprez said:

My parents don't feel the need to give each kid money when they give one money. But over the years they have helped us all. Each of my brothers has lived with them as a late-20's, early 30's adult at some point (one graduated from this phase successfully, the other is still stuck) and at other times, my mom has given them money or paid their phone bills for awhile, etc.

They lent me lots of money the first couple years I moved out because I managed to go broke pretty much immediately. (I was either going to move out or buy a car. I loved my car but was concerned about its health - I had it looked at and was told I'd get another 3-4 years on it, and so I moved out. 9 days after I moved into my apartment the car died. Hello car note on top of rent and utilities!) I paid it back (she gave me about $3k total over two years) because that was important to me, but the sentiment remains.

Mom is paying for half of my wedding and I don't plan to pay that back. She's offered me money again now that I'm unemployed, but we don't need it at the moment and likely won't in the future.

I don't know if all the help has been equal, monetarily, between me and my brothers. To me the more important thing is that they have always been there to support us when we need it. Really, that's one of the reasons I am set on taking care of them, whether physically or financially. I love the hell out of them.

Your mom sounds like my MIL. MIL makes very good money (she has been a nurse for 30+ years, with a pension, retirement fund, and great benefits). She has helped all of her kids financially at some point - at the moment, she is helping me and H significantly with the costs of IVF. She is incredibly generous, and she is so damn quick to offer help (or just send us a check without saying anything). Her whole family is that way. We don't know or care exactly how much she has helped anyone else financially, as it's not our business.

H's grandma has given both of his brothers large sums of money recently for various reasons (not sure how much, but in the 5-digits), and MIL told H that when grandma passes, she plans to give more to my H than his brothers since they basically got an advance on their inheritance. But that's the only measure of "fairness" in regards to finances, which I think is a nice gesture on MIL's part, but not necessary.

We know MIL's plans for retirement and end-of-life; H is the executor of her estate, and H's older brother (also a nurse) is the one who will make end-of-life care decisions for her. She plans to retire in a few years and move to our city, which is awesome.

My mom is an artist. She supports herself, and she still works on commission while drawing on Social Security. She is 67 and in good shape, but I fully expect my sisters and I will be caring for her when that time comes.

My dad and stepmom are both in their late 60s too - stepmom is retired with a pension from teaching for 40 years, and my dad is a semi-retired woodworker. They are not rich by any means, but they own a house, recently bought a new car, and are not exactly struggling.

Of all of our parents, I definitely feel the most comfortable talking about finances and end-of-life decisions with MIL. I also worry the least about her of all of our parents.

CMGragain · January 2016

spockforprez said:

My parents don't feel the need to give each kid money when they give one money. But over the years they have helped us all. Each of my brothers has lived with them as a late-20's, early 30's adult at some point (one graduated from this phase successfully, the other is still stuck) and at other times, my mom has given them money or paid their phone bills for awhile, etc.

They lent me lots of money the first couple years I moved out because I managed to go broke pretty much immediately. (I was either going to move out or buy a car. I loved my car but was concerned about its health - I had it looked at and was told I'd get another 3-4 years on it, and so I moved out. 9 days after I moved into my apartment the car died. Hello car note on top of rent and utilities!) I paid it back (she gave me about $3k total over two years) because that was important to me, but the sentiment remains.

Mom is paying for half of my wedding and I don't plan to pay that back. She's offered me money again now that I'm unemployed, but we don't need it at the moment and likely won't in the future.

I don't know if all the help has been equal, monetarily, between me and my brothers. To me the more important thing is that they have always been there to support us when we need it. Really, that's one of the reasons I am set on taking care of them, whether physically or financially. I love the hell out of them.

This is our goal. When daughter bought her first house, we helped spruce it up with new carpet. When she and her husband bought their current house, we were proud to offer them a little monetary help. Recently son changed jobs, and the transition was as screwed up as government related security jobs can be. We just mailed him a fat check so he wouldn't miss any house payments or impact his credit rating. We don't need to be payed back.
We love them both, and we are proud to be able to help them, when needed.

thisismynickname2 · January 2016

It's really interesting seeing how everyone's families operate.
To try to put it succinctly:
1. There are two of us siblings, so we are an "everything equal" family. My parents allegedly gave me exactly the same amount for my wedding as they did for my sister's 5 years prior. As far as I know, their will calls for equality to my sister and me in disposing of assets.
2. We were raised in a "you earn it, you take care of yourself" household. Even when I was 23 and entry-level, if my dad picked up a couple groceries for me, I'd owe him the $5.28 cents he paid.
3. DH's family is the "parents help their kids forever" household. He's an only child and cannot even pay for his mom's birthday meal; she won't let him. If we join them on vacation, they pay-- which is very hard for me to accept but I've gotten over it and just accept the generosity. By contrast, my parents allow my sister and me to treat them and we pay our own way on vacations.

Unfortunately there is a very fine line between generosity and enabling. DH's parents are generous. My best friend's husband is in the same type of family. These men are very responsible and self-sufficient. But, DH has cousins who are enabled into poor financial habits because their parents are always bailing them out. I keep my mouth shut when the family gossip rears its ugly head. Not my circus, not my monkey.

labro · January 2016

@thisismynickname re: your cousins. This sounds exactly like my H's uncle. His parents have enabled him for years. He's in his mid-50s now but I think he's about as self-sufficient as a 5 year old. He's the exact reason H's grandparents' will and distribution of any assets are going to be a shit show when that day comes. His mom is the executrix of the estate too...it is just not going to go well.

Have you talked to your parents about retirement?

Re: Have you talked to your parents about retirement?

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