Etiquette discussions with FI

CMGragain · January 2016

banana468 said:

CMGragain said:

If I were "listed" on an invitation under my son's name, I would be embarrassed. Seeking attention is not one of the things I like to do. I don't need to be on his wedding invitation for people to know that I am his mother and that he loves me. I certainly don't want to take credit for a wedding that I am not really hosting, either.
He honors me every just by being the wonderful, caring person that he is.

But that means that if your son was to get married, he wouldn't put you on there. In some families, if the groom's parents want to be on the invitation, that's the way to do it so they aren't listed as hosts but it tells people who the groom is. It walks a fine line but seeing the groom's parents on a wedding invitation shouldn't trigger pearl clutching.

It isn't traditional but it isn't wrong to put the groom's parents on the invitation the same way that it's wrong to put 'adults only' or '5 o'clock in the evening' on there. And more and more couples are getting married far away from where their parents live. Putting the groom's mom and dad on there is a pretty easy link for people to go, "Oh yeah, Jake is Bob and Doris' son."

I agree with you. I just don't see any good reason to put the non-hosting parents on the invitation. It isn't the worst faux pas ever, though, and sometimes it keeps the peace.
I personally wouldn't like it at all, though. My son just got a new job with another raise in salary. I really hope he finds Miss Right soon. No candidates on the horizon as of yet. Sigh.

KnickerGold · January 2016

Jen4948 said:

KnickerGold said:

Jen4948 said:

Had my ex-BF and I gotten married (and we're still friendly, so it's not out of the realm of possibility that it will happen), there would have been an invitation wording issue. His father is deceased and he really wanted to be listed as "son of MOG and the late FOG."

My solution would have been to list no parents and just use "Together with our families" or the third-person wording for self-hosted weddings, but I don't know how well that would have gone down with him, his mother, and my parents.

Curious, why would this be wrong/poor etiquette? I've seen this before and think it's a nice way to acknowledge the parent.

Because it's improper to list anyone on an invitation other than the hosts and honorees (the couple). Deceased persons can't host.

The point of the invitation is not to "acknowledge" anyone, living or deceased, but to invite guests to attend an event. It's not a playbill or family tree and doesn't "honor" anyone other than the recipients.

I mean I get that, but if one of my parents' died and my singular living parent was using their joint resources to host, I'd still put them on there- they would have both hosted had they been alive.
But I agree that I don't see the point in having my FI's parents on the invite as they are not hosting.

Jen4948 · January 2016

KnickerGold said:

Jen4948 said:

KnickerGold said:

Jen4948 said:

Had my ex-BF and I gotten married (and we're still friendly, so it's not out of the realm of possibility that it will happen), there would have been an invitation wording issue. His father is deceased and he really wanted to be listed as "son of MOG and the late FOG."

My solution would have been to list no parents and just use "Together with our families" or the third-person wording for self-hosted weddings, but I don't know how well that would have gone down with him, his mother, and my parents.

Curious, why would this be wrong/poor etiquette? I've seen this before and think it's a nice way to acknowledge the parent.

Because it's improper to list anyone on an invitation other than the hosts and honorees (the couple). Deceased persons can't host.

The point of the invitation is not to "acknowledge" anyone, living or deceased, but to invite guests to attend an event. It's not a playbill or family tree and doesn't "honor" anyone other than the recipients.

I mean I get that, but if one of my parents' died and my singular living parent was using their joint resources to host, I'd still put them on there- they would have both hosted had they been alive.
But I agree that I don't see the point in having my FI's parents on the invite as they are not hosting.

Hosting does not equal paying. Hosting means being the point person for a guest - the person they contact with RSVPs and questions about the wedding, who greets them, and who takes care of their needs. That's not something a deceased person can do.

So that's why a deceased person should not be listed as a "host" - because they cannot act as a host. I don't disagree with your desire to honor their memories - but the invitation is not the place to do it. The invitation is not a playbill, and the financial arrangements are none of the guests' business.

STARMOON44 · January 2016

monkeysip said:

Jen4948 said:

KnickerGold said:

Jen4948 said:

Had my ex-BF and I gotten married (and we're still friendly, so it's not out of the realm of possibility that it will happen), there would have been an invitation wording issue. His father is deceased and he really wanted to be listed as "son of MOG and the late FOG."

My solution would have been to list no parents and just use "Together with our families" or the third-person wording for self-hosted weddings, but I don't know how well that would have gone down with him, his mother, and my parents.

Curious, why would this be wrong/poor etiquette? I've seen this before and think it's a nice way to acknowledge the parent.

Because it's improper to list anyone on an invitation other than the hosts and honorees (the couple). Deceased persons can't host.

The point of the invitation is not to "acknowledge" anyone, living or deceased, but to invite guests to attend an event. It's not a playbill or family tree and doesn't "honor" anyone other than the recipients.

I get that... but to me, it's one of those victimless etiquette crimes. We list H's parents on the invitation even though they weren't hosting. I don't think anyone was offended or anything...

Yeah but were they dead? I don't really care who is listed on the invitation but dead people can't invite you to a party. I find it very morbid.

CMGragain · January 2016

I think that what I was trying to say is that I know that the invitation should name only the hosts and the honorees. When I see an invitation that has the "son of" line, I think "They must be pushy parents who wanted their name on the invitation, even though they aren't hosting." I do realize that this isn't always true, but it often is. This is just the impression that I get when I see this etiquette mistake. I do not automatically think "Oh, how nice. They are acknowledging his parents."

banana468 · January 2016

CMGragain said:
I think that what I was trying to say is that I know that the invitation should name only the hosts and the honorees. When I see an invitation that has the "son of" line, I think "They must be pushy parents who wanted their name on the invitation, even though they aren't hosting." I do realize that this isn't always true, but it often is. This is just the impression that I get when I see this etiquette mistake. I do not automatically think "Oh, how nice. They are acknowledging his parents."

But it isn't a big issue and I don't know that naming non hosting living parents is a mistake.

If your immediate thought is that the parents must be pushy then I think you need to reach a bit more inward at the assumptions.

kimmiinthemitten · January 2016

CMGragain said:

I think that what I was trying to say is that I know that the invitation should name only the hosts and the honorees. When I see an invitation that has the "son of" line, I think "They must be pushy parents who wanted their name on the invitation, even though they aren't hosting." I do realize that this isn't always true, but it often is. This is just the impression that I get when I see this etiquette mistake. I do not automatically think "Oh, how nice. They are acknowledging his parents."

Yup, this is where we're at. We've decided to have "Together with their parents" because FMIL has made it known many times she would like her Full Name not her Nick Name on the invitation when it comes time to order. This way we can placate her without the fight; pick and choose your battles, yo. Anyone who would recognize the etiquette error probably knows it's a FMIL thing anyways.

CMGragain · January 2016

Ha! I guess that my daughter will probably never see her name on another wedding invitation! (See my post in Chit Chat.)

kimmiinthemitten · January 2016

CMGragain said:

Ha! I guess that my daughter will probably never see her name on another wedding invitation! (See my post in Chit Chat.)

I saw...congrats! It's not so much a general FMIL thing as much as it is a my FMIL thing

monkeysip · January 2016

@STARMOON44

No, they weren't dead, but I was replying to the general idea that the non-hosting parents shouldn't go on an invitation. Also, since people often put non-hosting people on the invitation anyway, putting the deceased relatives name doesn't imply that the dead person is hosting (yes--we know dead people can't host). All it is saying is that these people are in fact the Wife/Groom's parents.

I KNOW that's not traditional etiquette, I'm just saying I don't view it as a big deal. I don't get my panties in a wad about etiquette "violations" that don't really affect anyone at all.

banana468 · January 2016

monkeysip said:
@STARMOON44

No, they weren't dead, but I was replying to the general idea that the non-hosting parents shouldn't go on an invitation. Also, since people often put non-hosting people on the invitation anyway, putting the deceased relatives name doesn't imply that the dead person is hosting (yes--we know dead people can't host). All it is saying is that these people are in fact the Wife/Groom's parents.

I KNOW that's not traditional etiquette, I'm just saying I don't view it as a big deal. I don't get my panties in a wad about etiquette "violations" that don't really affect anyone at all.

That's where I am. This isn't worth a fight IMO. If it is then I'm glad the couple resolved all their other issues.

CMGragain · January 2016

Wow! Did this thread ever get side tracked!

Jen4948 · January 2016

Well, in my specific case, listing our parents on the invitation as "honorary hosts" would mislead guests to believe that our parents are the right persons to approach with wedding-related matters, and unfortunately, we'd found out the hard way on various past occasions that none of our living parents can be counted on not to make and implement decisions about us as honorees while keeping us out of the loop.

When event-planning for us happens, my ex-BF and I are, as far as our parents are concerned, supposed to be forever "grateful" for their unrequested "help" which amounts to changing the plans behind our backs and expecting us to suck it up with smiles on our faces, or getting into ugly, painful conflicts with them that poison the occasions.

So keeping his deceased father's name off is, for me, more about not having any parental names listed on our invitation so we don't have to risk being expected to lie down and act like doormats for one occasion in our lives when we can't have a do-over.

banana468 · January 2016

Jen4948 said:

Well, in my specific case, listing our parents on the invitation as "honorary hosts" would mislead guests to believe that our parents are the right persons to approach with wedding-related matters, and unfortunately, we'd found out the hard way on various past occasions that none of our living parents can be counted on not to make and implement decisions about us as honorees while keeping us out of the loop. When event-planning for us happens, my ex-BF and I are, as far as our parents are concerned, supposed to be forever "grateful" for their unrequested "help" which amounts to changing the plans behind our backs and expecting us to suck it up with smiles on our faces, or getting into ugly, painful conflicts with them that poison the occasions. So keeping his deceased father's name off is, for me, more about not having any parental names listed on our invitation so we don't have to risk being expected to lie down and act like doormats for one occasion in our lives when we can't have a do-over.

Yeesh. With family like that....elope!

Jen4948 · January 2016

banana468 said:

Jen4948 said:

Well, in my specific case, listing our parents on the invitation as "honorary hosts" would mislead guests to believe that our parents are the right persons to approach with wedding-related matters, and unfortunately, we'd found out the hard way on various past occasions that none of our living parents can be counted on not to make and implement decisions about us as honorees while keeping us out of the loop.

When event-planning for us happens, my ex-BF and I are, as far as our parents are concerned, supposed to be forever "grateful" for their unrequested "help" which amounts to changing the plans behind our backs and expecting us to suck it up with smiles on our faces, or getting into ugly, painful conflicts with them that poison the occasions.

So keeping his deceased father's name off is, for me, more about not having any parental names listed on our invitation so we don't have to risk being expected to lie down and act like doormats for one occasion in our lives when we can't have a do-over.

Yeesh. With family like that....elope!

The idea has crossed my mind. But I think it'll be happier to plan a nice wedding and still invite our parents-but as guests only, not as "honorary hosts." That means leaving their names off the invitations and not discussing the plans with them.

flantastic · January 2016

@Jen4948 - How long has it been since this relationship ended? Are you dating anyone now? I just ask because I don't know if it's helpful in moving on to talk through wedding planning scenarios with your ex, even if you're friendly.

Jen4948 · January 2016

flantastic said:
@Jen4948 - How long has it been since this relationship ended? Are you dating anyone now? I just ask because I don't know if it's helpful in moving on to talk through wedding planning scenarios with your ex, even if you're friendly.

I'm not dating at the moment. The relationship didn't really "end." What happened was that 3 years into the relationship, when we were talking about getting married, I had to move from NYC, where he still lives, to Houston, where my parents live. I've been hoping to be able to move back to NYC, which is why it's not impossible that we may get married if I do. (He can't move here.) And yes, I am fully aware that we may not. I will deal with that if and when the time comes that I can return to NYC.

So I'm kind of in limbo at the moment. Due to some other things going on in my life like a new job with lots of overtime, I'm also not looking for a new relationship. I don't need to "move on." If I decide at some future time that I do want to be in a relationship, then I will start dating again, wherever I happen to be.

Jells2dot0 · January 2016

My awful experience with my family at my first wedding led me to not want to involve them in anything anymore. Hence, why I never had the etiquette discussion with my H. We eloped. And we loved every second of our selfishness.

flantastic · January 2016

Jen4948 said:

@Jen4948 - How long has it been since this relationship ended? Are you dating anyone now? I just ask because I don't know if it's helpful in moving on to talk through wedding planning scenarios with your ex, even if you're friendly.
I'm not dating at the moment. The relationship didn't really "end." What happened was that 3 years into the relationship, when we were talking about getting married, I had to move from NYC, where he still lives, to Houston, where my parents live. I've been hoping to be able to move back to NYC, which is why it's not impossible that we may get married if I do. (He can't move here.) And yes, I am fully aware that we may not. I will deal with that if and when the time comes that I can return to NYC. So I'm kind of in limbo at the moment. Due to some other things going on in my life like a new job with lots of overtime, I'm also not looking for a new relationship. I don't need to "move on." If I decide at some future time that I do want to be in a relationship, then I will start dating again, wherever I happen to be.

Interesting. I hope your parents are okay, because that's the only reason I can think of to move "home" if you're truly almost engaged to a person who somehow can't move with you.

Important question: Is he or has he been dating anyone since? Because if he won't or "can't" move, and especially if he acts like you've broken up, then I really would suggest moving on, even if you don't feel the need to date.

Jen4948 · January 2016

flantastic said:

Jen4948 said:

@Jen4948 - How long has it been since this relationship ended? Are you dating anyone now? I just ask because I don't know if it's helpful in moving on to talk through wedding planning scenarios with your ex, even if you're friendly.
I'm not dating at the moment. The relationship didn't really "end." What happened was that 3 years into the relationship, when we were talking about getting married, I had to move from NYC, where he still lives, to Houston, where my parents live. I've been hoping to be able to move back to NYC, which is why it's not impossible that we may get married if I do. (He can't move here.) And yes, I am fully aware that we may not. I will deal with that if and when the time comes that I can return to NYC. So I'm kind of in limbo at the moment. Due to some other things going on in my life like a new job with lots of overtime, I'm also not looking for a new relationship. I don't need to "move on." If I decide at some future time that I do want to be in a relationship, then I will start dating again, wherever I happen to be.

Interesting. I hope your parents are okay, because that's the only reason I can think of to move "home" if you're truly almost engaged to a person who somehow can't move with you.

Important question: Is he or has he been dating anyone since? Because if he won't or "can't" move, and especially if he acts like you've broken up, then I really would suggest moving on, even if you don't feel the need to date.

My parents are okay. My move took place for financial reasons. I was unemployed and couldn't afford to stay in NYC, and he was unable to financially support me. So we were talking about getting married, but were waiting until I could get a new job, but at the time, the job market was bad in NYC and better in Houston.

If he's been dating anyone since then, I'm not aware of it. In fact, I visited NYC last fall and he asked me out on some dates at that time. His reasons for not being able to move is that his mother is mobility-impaired (she had a bad accident) and for whatever reason doesn't want or feel able to hire someone as a live-in assistant. (Right now he lives with her.) I think he'd also feel like a fish out of water in Houston-he's lived all his life in NYC, whereas I've moved around some in my life but feel somewhat like a fish out of water here myself.

[Deleted User] · January 2016

My (now) husband knew that I was hoping to have a bachelorette party. No one offered so he wanted me to plan it since he was going away for a bachelor party weekend.

Took a bit of convincing to make him see that it's not an entitlement and that just because his friends offered it didn't mean my friends had to.

No harm no foul. I didn't have a party, but I got a nice, quiet weekend at home.

[Deleted User] · January 2016

[Deleted User] said:

My (now) husband knew that I was hoping to have a bachelorette party. No one offered so he wanted me to plan it since he was going away for a bachelor party weekend.

Took a bit of convincing to make him see that it's not an entitlement and that just because his friends offered it didn't mean my friends had to.

No harm no foul. I didn't have a party, but I got a nice, quiet weekend at home.

This was me - accidentally used my old account with my real name as a username. Thanks to the ladies who set me straight about that one back in the day.

AddieCake · January 2016

^^^^ Deleted user? 10 minutes after a sane post?

drunkenwitch · January 2016

[Deleted User] said:

My (now) husband knew that I was hoping to have a bachelorette party. No one offered so he wanted me to plan it since he was going away for a bachelor party weekend.

Took a bit of convincing to make him see that it's not an entitlement and that just because his friends offered it didn't mean my friends had to.

No harm no foul. I didn't have a party, but I got a nice, quiet weekend at home.

Award for fastest deleted user ever.

ILoveBeachMusic · January 2016

drunkenwitch said:

[Deleted User] said:

My (now) husband knew that I was hoping to have a bachelorette party. No one offered so he wanted me to plan it since he was going away for a bachelor party weekend.

Took a bit of convincing to make him see that it's not an entitlement and that just because his friends offered it didn't mean my friends had to.

No harm no foul. I didn't have a party, but I got a nice, quiet weekend at home.

Award for fastest deleted user ever.

@AddieCake she posted right after explaining she had accidentally used an old account - so she is still around.

AddieCake · January 2016

Ahhhh. Thank you!

[Deleted User] · January 2016

@AddieCake @ILoveBeachMusic @drunkenwitch

Yes that's me. Sorry for the confusion. Just didn't realize I'd accidentally signed into a defunct account with my real name on it

. I'm still here.

WinstonsGirl · January 2016

drunkenwitch said:

DH and I both had presumptions about weddings that were not etiquette approved (because that was all we knew, and had been told "everyone does this"). It was coming on here where I learned much of everything I know, which I started to share with DH.

My DH is also an engineer and very practical. Anything I explained to him with a reason he took well.

I think what also helped, in general, was actually attending a variety of styles of events, and particularly well hosted ones. Once you've been well hosted, I find it changes everything you go, "Ah ha!"- it makes sense why the "rules" exist and you wouldn't go any other way again. There are things that neither DH or myself cared about before, that now we at least notice (and maybe comment between ourselves).
One of the things I love about being with an engineer is he is always willing to listen to my side of things when I lay them it an orderly and calm manner. He may not always agree with my opinion, but I can always get him to see my point. I'm a very emotional person so he always gives me time and space when I say I need to collect my thoughts before we continue with the discussion. Then I have space to calm down and organize what I want to say.

Another side track, since that seems to be the theme of this thread. It's interesting everything you , @SP29 and @CMGragain have been saying about Engineers, as DH is also an Engineer, and he's the same. I'm sure it's not a profession thing, but it's funny how they're all in the same Profession and have similar traits. DH is also very logical, and thinks the same as your SOs seem to. He'll get mad for about 5-10 minutes on rare occasion, and then think that being mad is pointless, so he's over it. Meanwhile, I'm over it but still stewing for the next 24 hours till I forget to stay mad.

drunkenwitch · January 2016

KudosandHuzzah said:

@AddieCake @ILoveBeachMusic @drunkenwitch

Yes that's me. Sorry for the confusion. Just didn't realize I'd accidentally signed into a defunct account with my real name on it . I'm still here.

Ahhh! That makes sense. With all the drama round this board lately I just chaled it up to another hissy fit

SP29 · January 2016

WinstonsGirl said:

drunkenwitch said:

DH and I both had presumptions about weddings that were not etiquette approved (because that was all we knew, and had been told "everyone does this"). It was coming on here where I learned much of everything I know, which I started to share with DH.

My DH is also an engineer and very practical. Anything I explained to him with a reason he took well.

I think what also helped, in general, was actually attending a variety of styles of events, and particularly well hosted ones. Once you've been well hosted, I find it changes everything you go, "Ah ha!"- it makes sense why the "rules" exist and you wouldn't go any other way again. There are things that neither DH or myself cared about before, that now we at least notice (and maybe comment between ourselves).
One of the things I love about being with an engineer is he is always willing to listen to my side of things when I lay them it an orderly and calm manner. He may not always agree with my opinion, but I can always get him to see my point. I'm a very emotional person so he always gives me time and space when I say I need to collect my thoughts before we continue with the discussion. Then I have space to calm down and organize what I want to say.

Another side track, since that seems to be the theme of this thread. It's interesting everything you , @SP29 and @CMGragain have been saying about Engineers, as DH is also an Engineer, and he's the same. I'm sure it's not a profession thing, but it's funny how they're all in the same Profession and have similar traits. DH is also very logical, and thinks the same as your SOs seem to. He'll get mad for about 5-10 minutes on rare occasion, and then think that being mad is pointless, so he's over it. Meanwhile, I'm over it but still stewing for the next 24 hours till I forget to stay mad.

I would say there is something to it... whether the thought process leads a person to be suited towards an engineer, or the learning to be an engineer teaches that reasonable thought process... Of course then you have the various types of engineers, wonder if there is a difference there? :P. DH is structural.

DH is definitely very reasonable and logical, where as I tend to be more emotional about things. Not as in I get upset and cry (well, I do that too sometimes :P), but DH will say, "Well it's 2 and 2, so obviously the solution is 4", where as I might say, "But what does it MEAN? and WHY?" and his response is, "that's just the way she goes".

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