Fiance's Family bailed, so confused

CindyC74 · January 2016

So fiance and myself live 1000+ miles away from his family, they keep saying we need to do the wedding down in Tennessee and Not in Massachusetts, I started planning on 12/20/14 two days after i was engaged. when we chose our wedding party everyone said they be here for the big day this august, 18 months to save there money and 18 months for us to plan it proper. well three days ago we get the bomb that none of them are coming, My Fiance is so crushed, and i feel like they are trying to make me feel guilty- My immediete family can't travel mom and dad are in there 70's, and to top that all off i have already invested money into dj, video,photo, cater venue- and they cancel 7 months before, but they say its not fair that we are going to continue without them---- what do i do? i cant just walk away from what we have planned the vision i have always wanted, if i go there my mom and dad cant... Life sometimes is not fair and im freaking out, 3 of his groomsment cancelled, and doing replacements is not easy. no one has money to travel, i offered all of them to stay at my house too to save more money

someone said i should go to Tennessee and do a fake wedding for them, I just dont know, i feel like i am out of options

i wish we all can do this together

glasgowtolondon · January 2016

Knottie47393430 said:
So fiance and myself live 1000+ miles away from his family, they keep saying we need to do the wedding down in Tennessee and Not in Massachusetts, I started planning on 12/20/14 two days after i was engaged. when we chose our wedding party everyone said they be here for the big day this august, 18 months to save there money and 18 months for us to plan it proper. well three days ago we get the bomb that none of them are coming, My Fiance is so crushed, and i feel like they are trying to make me feel guilty- My immediete family can't travel mom and dad are in there 70's, and to top that all off i have already invested money into dj, video,photo, cater venue- and they cancel 7 months before, but they say its not fair that we are going to continue without them---- what do i do? i cant just walk away from what we have planned the vision i have always wanted, if i go there my mom and dad cant... Life sometimes is not fair and im freaking out, 3 of his groomsment cancelled, and doing replacements is not easy. no one has money to travel, i offered all of them to stay at my house too to save more money

someone said i should go to Tennessee and do a fake wedding for them, I just dont know, i feel like i am out of options i wish we all can do this together

Okay. First of all, I would not advise that you have a fake wedding for anyone. It would be tacky to have a fake ceremony and pretend to be getting married. If you must, just have a kick ass anniversary party without 'wedding' things like vows or big white dresses, but I personally don't see the attraction in that. It won't go down well on this forum either, just FYI.

Secondly, it really sucks that people are cancelling on your wedding. I truly mean that. However you can't always have your cake (wedding in Massachusetts where you want it to be) and eat it (everyone able to spend money to travel 1000+ miles to attend). People are not obligated to attend your wedding, and while your friends and family may have felt able in 2014, a LOT can change in 18months. Why would you possibly replace them though? How would you feel if you were only asked because someone that the groom liked better couldn't attend? Its called b-listing, and its shitty. Don't be that person.

As for your FI's parent giving you the guilt trip about this; it doesn't sound like you have a great choice to make. Either place would mean the other parent could not attend. OP, I think you need to stand firm on the wedding you have been planning for 18months. His parents have had plenty of time to adjust, and if they can't make it then that is unfortunate. But you are right, life is sometimes unfair. I hope you find some peace with this situation.

MobKaz · January 2016

Knottie47393430 said:

So fiance and myself live 1000+ miles away from his family, they keep saying we need to do the wedding down in Tennessee and Not in Massachusetts, I started planning on 12/20/14 two days after i was engaged.

How did this planning begin? Typically, you should start with a budget and guest list. Prior to making financial commitments, did you check with all immediate family and VIPS?

when we chose our wedding party everyone said they be here for the big day this august, 18 months to save there money
A LOT of things can change in 18 months time. People can relocate, begin families, lose jobs, get new jobs.....all of that impacts how someone might save their money.
and 18 months for us to plan it proper. well three days ago we get the bomb that none of them are coming, My Fiance is so crushed, and i feel like they are trying to make me feel guilty- My immediete family can't travel mom and dad are in there 70's, and to top that all off i have already invested money into dj, video,photo, cater venue- and they cancel 7 months before, but they say its not fair that we are going to continue without them---- what do i do?
His family may be bitter that (from their point of view) your family was given more consideration than your FI.
i cant just walk away from what we have planned the vision i have always wanted, if i go there my mom and dad cant... Life sometimes is not fair and im freaking out, 3 of his groomsment cancelled, and doing replacements is not easy. no one has money to travel, i offered all of them to stay at my house too to save more money
You don't replace anyone. You continue with what you have. You say this is the vision you have always wanted. Did you ever consider any alternative wedding plan to be more inclusive for FI's family?
someone said i should go to Tennessee and do a fake wedding for them, I just dont know, i feel like i am out of options i wish we all can do this together

Unfortunately, this is a risk you take when a wedding is held at a significant distance from one side of a family. I would encourage you to send invitations out as planned and see what happens. Sometimes what someone says now in the heat of a moment can change when it gets closer to the wedding date. Once they make a decision, all you can do is move forward.

Under no circumstances should you do any type of fake wedding. It would be hollow and pointless.

missfrodo · January 2016

I agree with everything PPs have said. A lot can happen in 7 months, too, so someone that said they couldn't make it may still RSVP yes once invites go out. As for your bridal party, don't replace anyone; if they can't make it, they can't make it, and you'll have a smaller party and/or uneven sides, neither of which is an issue. It sucks when people can't make it for whatever reason; no one from my FI's mom's side, other than his mom, were able to make it as our wedding was in the states and they're spread across the Philippines and Asia. If we'd had the wedding in the Philippines, that side of the family would have been there, but hardly anyone from the states would have been able to afford it. You'll never please everyone with your plans, but as long as everyone that you invite is properly hosted, I think that's the best you can hope for.

CMGragain · January 2016

At my daughter's wedding, out of 135 guests, only 6 were from our side of the family. This happens.
You cannot make everyone happy with your wedding plans. Just plan to make it easy for your guests to attend your wedding. If they choose not to come, for whatever reason, then that is their decision. Too bad they will miss a lovely wedding.
Remember a wedding need a couple who is legally able to be married, a license, an officiant, and legal witnesses. Everything else is optional.

Knottie1428553905 · January 2016

Yeah, no one has RSVP'd yet so I would continue planning the same wedding and hopefully his family will be able to make it. You have arranged hotel blocks and talked to an airline about flights though right?

lyndausvi · January 2016

I think it's funny that you used the fact your parents can't travel as a reason to have the wedding MA, yet at the same time are upset his side of the family is not willing to travel 1000 miles to your wedding.

Look I get it. It sucks when your respective families live far away. One side will feel slighted "their side" has to travel or they will not able to make a wedding for other reasons. Sometimes it's because they are stubborn. Other times they just don't like to travel. Still other times they really unable to travel for medical, financial or just can't get the time off.

Sadly there isn't anything you can really do other than plan the wedding where you want and let the cards fall where they will. There is still 7 months out, so maybe people will change their minds.

ETA - oh and it's not nice to decide how people should spend their money. You basically said "my parents can't travel, so we will give your parents 18 months to save their money to travel". Sorry it doesn't work that way. It's not up to you to decide they have to save money to travel to your OOT wedding. It's not up to you to decide that your FI's family and friends HAVE to save up vacation time and get possible babysitters or dog sitters and everything else involved in traveling.

All you can do is send them an invite and hope they can come.

themosthappy91 · January 2016

This is a really unfortunate situation OP, but I think you should carry on with the wedding as planned and graciously tell your FI's family you're sorry they can't be there.

I don't think anyone is really in the wrong- it's fair for you and your FI to decide where you want to get married, it's fair for his family to decide they just don't want to spend the time and money to travel there. What irks me is they are pressuring you to change your plans- to me, it reads like they possibly would have been willing and able to come to your wedding but are choosing not to in an attempt to manipulate you. That's all speculation on my part of course, but you saying that they're telling you it's "not fair for you to continue without them" would really rub me the wrong way, were I in your shoes.

Stick with your plans and discuss the possibility of having a celebration of marriage party (NOT a wedding re-do) closer to his family in the future. And definitely don't "replace" anyone.

CindyC74 · January 2016

i don't want to replace anyone, we asked his cousins well over a year ago, his family did lead us on, saying they booked flights and motels over a year ago, we fell for it 2 of them told us they paid for car rentals then told us they lied as well ,so when we got told they was booking things we then decided to make the plans up here....... So basically last week they admitted they lead us on and lied to us and was going to wait to tell us in the spring... I understand the no money thing, Both my parents are very sick and can not travel more then 30 minutes that's why i would like to be home for my wedding already have contracts i started over a year ago with no refunds, his family is giving him guilt trip saying he should never of moved, if the wedding goes on then he doesn't care about them.. so now we are just stuck somewhat i want to make everyone happy i really do......

I might of sounded selfish the way i had put that...sorry i was upset when i wrote this post.. It's just hard being 7 months awaay and right now hes got no groomsmen or a best man and meanwhile i have 5 bridesmaids LOL

My girls didn't back out, was all of his cousins. and still being new to where we live figuring out how to do things now is just rough, as for the celebration down in Tennessee I think that could work, after we recoup from the 2 week honeymoon LOL

JediElizabeth · January 2016

Knottie47393430 said:
i don't want to replace anyone, we asked his cousins well over a year ago, his family did lead us on, saying they booked flights and motels over a year ago, we fell for it 2 of them told us they paid for car rentals then told us they lied as well ,so when we got told they was booking things we then decided to make the plans up here....... So basically last week they admitted they lead us on and lied to us and was going to wait to tell us in the spring... I understand the no money thing, Both my parents are very sick and can not travel more then 30 minutes that's why i would like to be home for my wedding already have contracts i started over a year ago with no refunds, his family is giving him guilt trip saying he should never of moved, if the wedding goes on then he doesn't care about them.. so now we are just stuck somewhat i want to make everyone happy i really do......

I might of sounded selfish the way i had put that...sorry i was upset when i wrote this post.. It's just hard being 7 months awaay and right now hes got no groomsmen or a best man and meanwhile i have 5 bridesmaids LOL

My girls didn't back out, was all of his cousins. and still being new to where we live figuring out how to do things now is just rough, as for the celebration down in Tennessee I think that could work, after we recoup from the 2 week honeymoon LOL

Yeah, given that....I straight up would not deal with the lying thing, and I'd be just as upset as you are. That's not fair of them, and it's doubly awful if they're giving him that guilt trip on top of it.

Still, the best thing you can do is be the bigger person, try to be nice and tell them you're sorry to hear that, but you really do hope they can work things out to come to the wedding. Then firmly keep all of your plans.

To Hell with anyone who would let you think your plan is fine for a year, then tell you this close to the event that they've actually been pretending to be ok with it the whole time. It sounds like your FI is better off for not living near them.

lembaslover · January 2016

Do people even book flights a year or more in advance? We book our honeymoon like 6 months out and that's the furthest I've ever booked anything and I can't count the e-mails we got that our flights had changed times slightly, one sent us through a different layover place, etc... I find it hard to believe that anyone is booking flights a year out.

Honestly OP sounds like they aren't happy your FI moved away from them and even if you had your wedding there they wouldn't be happy unless FI was moving there. Ignore these people and just nicely say "I'm sorry you won't be able to make it" and then continue on as planned.

I come from a manipulative family and it's taken me a while to learn that you just have to ignore it sometimes and if they actually want a relationship they will drop the act and if they don't they don't. Life is too short to spend it stressing over people who are trying to manipulate you.

VicTim328 · January 2016

So is it just his cousins doing this, or are his parents included in this as well? Is it incredibly important for him to have his family there? If it literally comes between choosing one set of parents over the other, is it possible for you and your FI to pay for his parents' plane tickets?

If they are included in this crazy bunch and refuse an offer, they are being manipulative and insensitive. You're better off being so far away.

lyndausvi · January 2016

marriedhamstermom said:

Do people even book flights a year or more in advance? We book our honeymoon like 6 months out and that's the furthest I've ever booked anything and I can't count the e-mails we got that our flights had changed times slightly, one sent us through a different layover place, etc... I find it hard to believe that anyone is booking flights a year out.

Honestly OP sounds like they aren't happy your FI moved away from them and even if you had your wedding there they wouldn't be happy unless FI was moving there. Ignore these people and just nicely say "I'm sorry you won't be able to make it" and then continue on as planned.

I come from a manipulative family and it's taken me a while to learn that you just have to ignore it sometimes and if they actually want a relationship they will drop the act and if they don't they don't. Life is too short to spend it stressing over people who are trying to manipulate you.

I don't. We knew we were invited to a wedding in Austria 18 months out. We bought our airline tickets about 50 days out from the wedding. We knew had about 19 months to buy tickets to DH's sister's wedding. We bought them about 45 days out.

I think we bought our HM airline tickets about 3 months out. And those tickets stops in Europe, Africa, back to Europe, states and train tickets to NYC with stay overs in all the places. Heck, I don't think we bought the tickets to our own wedding (OOT) until about 2 months out.

That said, my sister often buys tickets far out. She once got a sweet deal on 1st class tickets to Hawaii for only $100 more than coach.

OliveOilsMom · January 2016

Based upon your second post, I would just say screw those people. They were purposefully being manipulating and lying to you. Having said that, what does your FI think/say? If I were you, I would offer to pay for the airfare for his parents only. But that would be based on how your FI feels about getting married without his parents there.

As for the celebration later, I would not do it only for the fact that your FILs have been deceitful. They don't deserve to have that party after the way they have treated you two. It's one thing to say they are saving money to attend and then not being able to attend, but I feel its a whole other thing to say they have booked airfare, motels, and cars and have done nothing.

And while not ideal, if you FI comes to have a new friend in MA, he should invite that person to be a GM. But only if its a new friendship that happens between now and the wedding. It could still seem like b-listing, but since it could be a new friendship it wouldn't be as bad. I might get flamed for that stance (I don't typically condone replacement GM or BMs), but I feel really badly for your FI in this situation.

CindyC74 · January 2016

his parents have passed away before i met him, he was mainly raised by his 3 aunts most of his life and hes rather close with them, one Aunt thought the only person i was inviting was my son and my parents and thats why she suggested we Had no choice but to come to Tennessee, my family is just as big as his Ugh!... i didn't know about the flight thing i guess i was dumbfounded, only flown a few times in my life so i guess when they mentioned the airlines i fell for it

like i said last night we only decided on doing things here after his family said what they was doing and would definitely be here

Fiance is hurt more then u can imagine, hes angry how they are trying to make me feel guilty ( one aunt said even thought shes not in the wedding it hurtful as she wants to see her nephew get married she treats him like a son) she thinks the family on his side really needs to be there, but keeps throwing how my family can travel. and then i could never imagine doing this without my parents, i would feel major guilt for rest of my life

and to the one that said they are upset he moved, oh you got no idea they try and control him sorta since day one we get texts when you coming back you need to live here not there, they are not letting him breathe most of the time hes very happy why go back to be bored and misserble

I like his family i do but being told for months yep where coming then one night one cousin drops the bomb then the next phone call more bombs dropped and they wasn't going to tell us it seemed, am so glad i made FI call and double check, unfortunately My Fiance has decided he wants things done here and said heck with them there loss, and he wants to ask 3 friends here to be in it on his side. ill still send invites if they show cool, if not its on them they had 18 months advance notice of venue date and time, thats how long we have been booked!

OliveOilsMom · January 2016

Is your FI standing up to his relatives? Like when they say that your family could travel, does he say "No. Knottie#s parents cannot travel further than 30 minutes away from their home due to medical reasons. The wedding must be here, period." If he isn't I think he needs to start. It really sounds like they are trying to guilt trip him into moving home.

He should also learn a phrase where he can rattle it off back to his family and shut them down. "Relative, I'm sad that you will no longer be able to attend the wedding. But, the location of the wedding will not change and I will miss you on the day of the wedding." If they try to talk about family being in TN or something he should say, "I understand your point of view, but Knottie#s is going to be my family as well as FILs and since they medically cannot travel the wedding will be taking place in MA as planned. I'm sorry if you don't like that decision, but it is a final one."

IF your FI is having problems dealing with these people and it seems to have a negative impact on his health. It might be good for him to reach out to a therapist. He can talk about his issues with his family in a neutral setting and learn ways to handle his family in a healthy way. It can't be good that he is having guilt trips thrown at him all the time. Then add in the manipulative behavior over their travels for your wedding and it seems like it could do some good to find coping mechanisms. One thing to remember is that your FI cannot change his relative's behaviors, but he can change his own responses to their behaviors.

Also, as you get closer to the wedding, gently bring up to your FI that they may try to contact him on your wedding day. They may do it to put a damper on the day for him. He should mentally prepare for that.

Jen4948 · January 2016

I agree with @OliveOilsMom that your FI could benefit from professional counseling regarding dealing with all these manipulative (expletives).

Ultimately, I think he needs to deliver the following message to them: "Due to your lies and guilt-tripping, we have decided to have our wedding and our lives as we see fit and it is your problem, not ours, if you don't like that. As far as we're concerned, our wedding is a closed subject. We are not responsible for any decisions you make not to attend our wedding or otherwise participate in our lives."

CindyC74 · January 2016

well he is pretty Angry but he looks at me tonight and say (we're not changing anything they have known for over a year promised they be here, so why 7 months before they drop the bomb it be a cold day in hell before i change plans, this is your day and i want you to be happy and ill be happy waiting for you at Aisle) he's super sweet i cried.
he just torn with how things went down this week, and i am not doing a recap wedding for them either, one wedding only for this girl, unless there paying to fly 4 of us down haha! it would cost us more to fly then them renting a car, which i did look up tonight there is 12 that wanted to come up van rental is 700 for 9 days, why couldn't they split the cost its a 16 hour drive, used to do it myself all the time once a month.

for me to make this trip would cost about 2k, thats 4 plane tickets and a car rental Ugh!

well it's time for me to break the bomb back and explain how do you expect us to make a trip like this 2 months after the wedding OH BOY family drama starts LOL

short+sassy · January 2016

I'm sorry this is happening. While an invitation is certainly not a summons, if they weren't planning to make the trip from the get-go, they should have just said that. And certainly not lied about making reservations. That's just weird.

I also don't understand why they are giving your FI a hard time about a wedding in MA. You and your FI live there. Your parents live there and aren't well enough travel. BOOM! Done. Two very strong and valid reasons to have the wedding in MA.

I'm picking up that its his family who primarily want a marriage celebration party in TN? That's a lot to ask. Especially after you all just (I'm assuming) spent a chunk of time and money having your wedding/reception and going on your HM. Tell them "sorry we don't have the time and/or money right after the wedding" or just "no", if you don't want to give an explanation.

OliveOilsMom · January 2016

Knottie47393430 said:

well he is pretty Angry but he looks at me tonight and say (we're not changing anything they have known for over a year promised they be here, so why 7 months before they drop the bomb it be a cold day in hell before i change plans, this is your day and i want you to be happy and ill be happy waiting for you at Aisle) he's super sweet i cried.
he just torn with how things went down this week, and i am not doing a recap wedding for them either, one wedding only for this girl, unless there paying to fly 4 of us down haha! it would cost us more to fly then them renting a car, which i did look up tonight there is 12 that wanted to come up van rental is 700 for 9 days, why couldn't they split the cost its a 16 hour drive, used to do it myself all the time once a month.

for me to make this trip would cost about 2k, thats 4 plane tickets and a car rental Ugh!

well it's time for me to break the bomb back and explain how do you expect us to make a trip like this 2 months after the wedding OH BOY family drama starts LOL

First, this should be your FI's doing. Simple rule is that you deal with your family and he deals with his. It will be much easier for his family to hear it from him. He can say it very non-confrontational way and then he should change the subject. Aunt "Have a 2nd wedding here." FI: "Aunt, that is just not going to happen. Knottie#s and I are having our wedding in MA on x date. We really wished that you would able to make it, you will be missed that day. So how is the weather down in TN?"

Have a party here in TN. "I'm sorry, but due to the costs and PTO days being used for the wedding and honeymoon we are planning, Knottie#s and I will be unable to travel down to TN to do any sort of after-wedding party with you all. Have you got the recipe for Great Aunt Sally's bean dip? I would really love to make it for a Super Bowl party!"

CindyC74 · January 2016

thanks everyone, we just want to thru our birthdays over the next 2 weeks, then we will pick the phone up and explain how things need to be done, i really appreciate all the tips

Fiance's Family bailed, so confused

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