Wedding Etiquette Forum

S/O on hosting your own party

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Re: S/O on hosting your own party

  • SP29 said:
    kvruns said:

    I didn't want to start a new thread but now I have another question related to etiquette of parties.

    If you're throwing a PPD (or a semi PPD, there won't be a ceremony re-enactment but it will be traditional wedding dress, cake, first dance, etc) what is the thought on pre-wedding parties? Is it ok to have a bridal shower or bachelor/bachelorette parties when you're not inviting people to the actual wedding, just the PPD or wedding celebration? 

    Of course this is one of those where I will go (if I'm free that day) regardless of how it falls on the etiquette scale but I'm curious what people think. I'll admit I'm annoyed by it, mostly because I know the plans for the "wedding" although it isn't common knowledge.

    Nope.

    This is something that bugs me- it says, "You're not good enough to celebrate my wedding with me, but you can give me a present". Even if that isn't the intent. I KNOW that the B&G cannot invite every single person they would like to their wedding. Believe me, I won't be hurt if I am not invited to your (royal your) wedding (if it was a close friend, maybe for a minute or two, then I'll get over it).

    B-parties and showers become a separate realm from other parties- they are all to celebrate one thing. You can invite me to your birthday but not your wedding, you can invite me to your baby shower, but not your wedding. That's fine- they are all separate- I am not owed an invitation. But don't invite me to your WEDDING shower, if I am not invited to your wedding.

    I've heard some of the new posters on here say, "but isn't it enough that people get to celebrate with me at all?". Nope- that comes off as "all about me". If you, wanted to celebrate your wedding with me, you'd invite me to your wedding. And if you don't- that is 100% fine- but don't try to "make it up to me" by doing something that benefits you- you have nothing to make up, so it becomes insulting.


    that's my theory too. They are doing the private family ceremony thing (OK), but yet still doing the dress/cake/etc at the celebration. I asked if people would know that they were just attending a party and not a wedding and was told they should be able to figure it out based on the invites.

    I've accepted how they were doing it but this invite to a shower threw me because I'm not going to your actual wedding.

  • kvruns said:
    SP29 said:
    kvruns said:

    I didn't want to start a new thread but now I have another question related to etiquette of parties.

    If you're throwing a PPD (or a semi PPD, there won't be a ceremony re-enactment but it will be traditional wedding dress, cake, first dance, etc) what is the thought on pre-wedding parties? Is it ok to have a bridal shower or bachelor/bachelorette parties when you're not inviting people to the actual wedding, just the PPD or wedding celebration? 

    Of course this is one of those where I will go (if I'm free that day) regardless of how it falls on the etiquette scale but I'm curious what people think. I'll admit I'm annoyed by it, mostly because I know the plans for the "wedding" although it isn't common knowledge.

    Nope.

    This is something that bugs me- it says, "You're not good enough to celebrate my wedding with me, but you can give me a present". Even if that isn't the intent. I KNOW that the B&G cannot invite every single person they would like to their wedding. Believe me, I won't be hurt if I am not invited to your (royal your) wedding (if it was a close friend, maybe for a minute or two, then I'll get over it).

    B-parties and showers become a separate realm from other parties- they are all to celebrate one thing. You can invite me to your birthday but not your wedding, you can invite me to your baby shower, but not your wedding. That's fine- they are all separate- I am not owed an invitation. But don't invite me to your WEDDING shower, if I am not invited to your wedding.

    I've heard some of the new posters on here say, "but isn't it enough that people get to celebrate with me at all?". Nope- that comes off as "all about me". If you, wanted to celebrate your wedding with me, you'd invite me to your wedding. And if you don't- that is 100% fine- but don't try to "make it up to me" by doing something that benefits you- you have nothing to make up, so it becomes insulting.


    that's my theory too. They are doing the private family ceremony thing (OK), but yet still doing the dress/cake/etc at the celebration. I asked if people would know that they were just attending a party and not a wedding and was told they should be able to figure it out based on the invites.

    I've accepted how they were doing it but this invite to a shower threw me because I'm not going to your actual wedding.

    I agree. Technically it is fine to have a truly intimate/private ceremony (immediate family only) and then a larger reception later.

    Also fine to have a celebration of marriage, as long as that is how it is worded.  I'm fine if a woman wants to wear her wedding dress again- it's just a dress! (but I know others aren't). The hosts of the party should cut and serve the dessert- but there is the catch- they cut and serve to all the guests first before serving themselves. No first bite with each other. The hosts may open up the dance floor- but they are quickly joined by the guests, no first dance with guests watching with rapt attention.

    I'm fine with attending a celebration of marriage if it is clear that is what it is, but I would not attend a shower related to the same thing.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • scribe95 said:
    So, just out of curiosity - everyone who celebrates your birthday every year with a party or something - what is your age range? I just don't see this and I'm wondering if it's because I'm older and me and my friends just don't care about birthdays anymore.

    I remember a surprise thing on my 30th. And a joint book club/bday celebration on my 40th. But other than that birthdays are dinner out with the family and that's about it.


    we have friends (a couple) who usually does something for each of their birthdays every year. Usually it is just a get together at their house but they have done other things. They are currently 42 and 48 I believe, might be off a year on each but it is close.

    I have another couple who will send a text a few days before saying we're going to X restaurant to celebrate C's birthday. They are 34 and 37 I think.

    Aside from those 2 couples I can't think of any friends who do anything for birthdays outside of one of the big years.

  • We don't do birthday stuff with friends either.   Maybe in a few years for DH's 40th I'll throw a bigger party but that's the last time we did anything for each other.

    Even then it was, "Hey - are you interested in going out to dinner to celebrate Banana's birthday?"  It was understood that we were all on our own for meals and I'd pick up DH's tab and he mine.  
  • It's always OK to have a party to celebrate something. It's not OK to throw a party in your own honor, ESPECIALLY if it's a party where gifts are expected.

    OK: Hey, it's my birthday on Saturday, I'm having a bunch of people over. Can you come?
    Not OK: You're invited to my birthday party, held by me, on Saturday.

    OK: I'm excited I'm getting married, but want to spend a night out with the girls first. Let's all go out and have fun.
    Not OK:  I'm throwing myself a bachelorette party. Please come and celebrate me. 


    Since the entire purpose of a shower is to get gifts, it's never OK to throw your own shower.

    A wedding is a bit different, because you're inviting your guests to witness your nuptuals (i.e. you're inviting them to a ceremony), and the reception is to thank THEM for coming to your ceremony. The people who are confused think of the wedding reception as a party you're throwing yourself as the guest of honor, but this is not the case!
    spockforprezMyNameIsNot
  • I have two sets of girlfriends that celebrate birthdays together. We usually go to lunch and maybe shopping. We pick up the tab for the birthday gal and give small gifts. It really is just an excuse to go out for lunch and drink Prosecco
    scrunchythief
  • MandyMost said:
    It's always OK to have a party to celebrate something. It's not OK to throw a party in your own honor, ESPECIALLY if it's a party where gifts are expected.

    OK: Hey, it's my birthday on Saturday, I'm having a bunch of people over. Can you come?
    Not OK: You're invited to my birthday party, held by me, on Saturday.

    OK: I'm excited I'm getting married, but want to spend a night out with the girls first. Let's all go out and have fun.
    Not OK:  I'm throwing myself a bachelorette party. Please come and celebrate me. 


    Since the entire purpose of a shower is to get gifts, it's never OK to throw your own shower.

    A wedding is a bit different, because you're inviting your guests to witness your nuptuals (i.e. you're inviting them to a ceremony), and the reception is to thank THEM for coming to your ceremony. The people who are confused think of the wedding reception as a party you're throwing yourself as the guest of honor, but this is not the case!
    This makes a lot of sense to me, and is basically what I did for my 21st.  And you're not insulting anyone's intelligence either by having a totally random for no reason party, that just happens to be on my birthday.
    spockforprez
  • scribe95 said:
    So, just out of curiosity - everyone who celebrates your birthday every year with a party or something - what is your age range? I just don't see this and I'm wondering if it's because I'm older and me and my friends just don't care about birthdays anymore.

    I remember a surprise thing on my 30th. And a joint book club/bday celebration on my 40th. But other than that birthdays are dinner out with the family and that's about it.
    Late 20s.

    It really depends- some friends do it, some don't, and that varies year to year. Mainly depends on what is going on with everyone's lives at the time. Yes, I've noticed as people have taken on more responsibilities (such as children) it happens less often.

    And very casual. Out to the bar for drinks, meet up for dinner, get together at someone's home.
  • I celebrate my birthday every year and I'm in my 30's. It might just be my crowd, but everyone does a restaurant or home party in my circle of friends. 
    kimmiinthemittenJeeGooDowster
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My birthday is next week and everyone keeps asking me what we're doing.  I feel so awkward planning stuff for myself.  Even suggesting a lunch sounds weird.  I don't really have a problem with people planning birthday outings unless they are way over the top. For example: I know one girl who plans herself elaborate birthday parties and then sends invitations with suggestions for gifts on it.  That's too much.  


    image
  • I completely feel awkward planning things for my own birthday.     This is part of the reason why we rarely do things. 
    MyNameIsNot
  • I like sassy! 
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    levioosa said:
    My birthday is next week and everyone keeps asking me what we're doing.  I feel so awkward planning stuff for myself.  Even suggesting a lunch sounds weird.  I don't really have a problem with people planning birthday outings unless they are way over the top. For example: I know one girl who plans herself elaborate birthday parties and then sends invitations with suggestions for gifts on it.  That's too much.  
    If your friends are asking you what the plans are, then they don't care if you're the one making the plans, even if it's your birthday.  So get over being awkward and plan something!  They just want to hang out with you!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    JediElizabethlevioosaSP29cupcait927
  • I'm 27 and usually do "having people over". If I do dinner H pays for me (like normal) and no one has to even offer to split my meal or buy me a drink.  I don't really have many single friends I'm close enough to do a special night out with but I would probably offer to split her meal or buy her a drink or something.


  • Okay, so for my 27th birthday (which was in January), I had people over, which is what I do most years. It's not a gift giving event at all - at most, people bring a bottle of wine or some beer, which people do for any party (at least in my circle). I serve food and lots of alcohol and we play cards against humanity. So I'm happy to attend other people's birthday parties. 

    The one thing that does frustrate me - and I can see from other posts in this thread that not everyone agrees - is when someone throws a birthday party for themselves at a restaurant (or some other place where we have to pay for ourselves). Now FI and I have to pay for a meal out that we wouldn't ordinarily go to, and I find that really frustrating. The worst is when everyone has to split a bill, because FI and I won't drink just to save money, but other people will and then someone says we should all split it and I want to scream. (but I don't)

    So for me, I think it's cool to have people over or something like that for your birthday, but not cool that you demand people buy a dinner in your honor. I'm also okay with saying let's meet at a bar, especially because in the city many people don't have apartments big enough to accommodate people, but in that situation I can opt not to drink and just hang out.

    Oh, and to everyone who says an invitation is not a summons, I know the friend or two that does the restaurant thing is also the friend who will get mad that you are essentially too cheap to come. So no, I don't have to go, but then I am missing her birthday, and that sucks.
    SP29
  • nerdwife said:
    Okay, so for my 27th birthday (which was in January), I had people over, which is what I do most years. It's not a gift giving event at all - at most, people bring a bottle of wine or some beer, which people do for any party (at least in my circle). I serve food and lots of alcohol and we play cards against humanity. So I'm happy to attend other people's birthday parties. 

    The one thing that does frustrate me - and I can see from other posts in this thread that not everyone agrees - is when someone throws a birthday party for themselves at a restaurant (or some other place where we have to pay for ourselves). Now FI and I have to pay for a meal out that we wouldn't ordinarily go to, and I find that really frustrating. The worst is when everyone has to split a bill, because FI and I won't drink just to save money, but other people will and then someone says we should all split it and I want to scream. (but I don't)

    So for me, I think it's cool to have people over or something like that for your birthday, but not cool that you demand people buy a dinner in your honor. I'm also okay with saying let's meet at a bar, especially because in the city many people don't have apartments big enough to accommodate people, but in that situation I can opt not to drink and just hang out.

    Oh, and to everyone who says an invitation is not a summons, I know the friend or two that does the restaurant thing is also the friend who will get mad that you are essentially too cheap to come. So no, I don't have to go, but then I am missing her birthday, and that sucks.


    sitb

     to 1st bolded: Hate that. Why I ONLY go out to sushi with people super close to me. 
    2nd bolded. I've been there too. I usually tell them I can't make it but can I take them out for coffee/lunch at another time.


    nerdwife
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I had a milestone birthday party a few years ago, but that was because that was the last time in my life I expect to celebrate a milestone birthday party.  It amounted to going out to dinner with family and friends.
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