You know, based off what I'm seeing is we are all wasting our breath so to speak. As long as people give OP a "your idea sounds great to me" we aren't going to get anywhere. However, I do really hope that OP really does reconsider and listen to us. Like we've all said we aren't trying to attack her but help her. Also, most of us have commented on her DIY and said that it was lovely and we liked it so we did give her advice on what she was asking sooo yeah there's that.
Assumptions are a crazy thing, you shouldn't assume that I'm doing the same thing that OP is doing, I'm not but in the same token I understand that there are different ways to do things and there are different financial obligations people can make. My whole point is that yall shouldn't force your assumptions on OP especially since she didn't ask for them. Definitely don't force them on me either.
Assumptions are a crazy thing, you shouldn't assume that I'm doing the same thing that OP is doing, I'm not but in the same token I understand that there are different ways to do things and there are different financial obligations people can make. My whole point is that yall shouldn't force your assumptions on OP especially since she didn't ask for them. Definitely don't force them on me either.
What are you even talking about with the assumptions? Who are you replying to? If you are responding to my earlier comment, I never said I assumed anything, I said I was guessing. And by past experience, usually the people who jump to defend other posters about their poor etiquette are, themselves, doing something that also goes against etiquette.
As for forcing assumptions on others, what does that even mean? We are all telling OP that tiered wedding receptions are rude and against proper etiquette. That is not an assumption (which, again, does not mean what you think it means, apparently), nor even an opinion. Etiquette has nothing to do with anyone's opinions, and in this culture (western culture), it is always considered rude to b-list guests or have a tiered reception.
And to the bolded: Others have said it and I will say it again - these boards are all very pro-proper etiquette. When someone posts something that goes against proper etiquette (even if it was not the point of their post), people will call them out. If you do not want people to comment on what you say, don't say it to begin with.
Some of us have been invited to tired weddings, either as the "chosen tier" that got to eat or watch the ceremony or as the "other tier" who only got invited to dancing. I have been on both tiers for different weddings, in BOTH I felt very uncomfortable (more so on the "chosen tier" as I was obviously privy to the fact that other people did not get the same treatment as I did) and in BOTH I smiled at the bride and groom and told them I had a lovely time. Just because someone will tell you "oh it's fine!" to your face does not mean that is what they are really feeling.
so..not quite sure why i feel the need to tell you this, @PamBeesly524 but geez, meow emphasis on ow:P
@vturnipseed1 has the gist of it and although i really truly do appreciate the sentiment of insuring our guests are not insulted, i think you are also overestimating the importance of the ceremony and dinner to the guests we're inviting afterwards. we know exactly who would be insulted if they weren't invited to the entire thing, and we made sure they came. we had an original headcount at dinner of 50 and added the extra 20 because of this and stretched out our food budget to the very max.:)
we didn't pick the venue because it's perfect. i know you don't know me...but this comment ruffled me a little, because this is far from the case..... we picked the venue because it was in our budget and acceptable and it was a pleasant surprise that we could invite more people than our tight budget allowed or that we had originally thought we would be capable of.
maybe to an outsider it is rude, and i could definitely understand certain people being offended or hurt... but i'm pretty sure our people understand this. I say pretty sure now because although before i was certain of this, i am now doubting myself.
as a bit of a back story to help you understand, we've been engaged for the past 2 years and have been scrimping and saving to afford this. the people who we're inviting to the reception only already know this and understood we couldn't invite them...now we are. see? happy surprise.
being canadian though, i'm super chill. i'm not offended, maybe irrationally hurt a little at the last comment...but i think i got the gist of it and am capable of making an informed decision and have some things to reflect on. thank you again for your imput. really do appreciate it
Look, Love, I get it. We all have people we wish we could invite but couldn't. It is hard but that is part of being an adult. You are not the first person to have a long engagement.
But I am not buying the "budget" wedding. You have: - 3 course meal - Dessert - midnight snack -Karaoke -Photobooth - custom wine labels (!)
I once got invited to the "evening" portion of a wedding. It was hurtful and insulting. Would I ever say anything to the bride or groom? No, of course not. But I (and almost everyone I know who also received this pity invite) have let the friendship die. We aren't aged 7- we understand we can't be invited everywhere. But unintentionally or not, you are telling these people that they aren't good enough. You are also (I'm sure not-purposefyully) saying: I can't buy you dinner, but buy me a gift.
You should reshift your catering so those 20 people can come. Cut out your photobooth and karaoke, that must easily be enough to cover those dinners. Cut back to only 1 dinner option.
Inviting evening guests to a wedding because of "budget" but had a 3 course meal, karaoke AND a photobooth is beyond rude.
Even just cutting out the pasta and only having 2 courses must be enough for 20 extra people.
I get that you are really trying to convince yourself that this is OK because no one is saying anything to your face. Newsflash: no one is going to say it to your face. If 99% of random people (including plenty of Canadians) are telling you its rude, maybe its time to cancel the photobooth and the print costs of a custom wine label and put that money into the meal for 20 people.
so..not quite sure why i feel the need to tell you this, @PamBeesly524 but geez, meow emphasis on ow:P
@vturnipseed1 has the gist of it and although i really truly do appreciate the sentiment of insuring our guests are not insulted, i think you are also overestimating the importance of the ceremony and dinner to the guests we're inviting afterwards. we know exactly who would be insulted if they weren't invited to the entire thing, and we made sure they came. we had an original headcount at dinner of 50 and added the extra 20 because of this and stretched out our food budget to the very max.:)
we didn't pick the venue because it's perfect. i know you don't know me...but this comment ruffled me a little, because this is far from the case..... we picked the venue because it was in our budget and acceptable and it was a pleasant surprise that we could invite more people than our tight budget allowed or that we had originally thought we would be capable of.
maybe to an outsider it is rude, and i could definitely understand certain people being offended or hurt... but i'm pretty sure our people understand this. I say pretty sure now because although before i was certain of this, i am now doubting myself.
as a bit of a back story to help you understand, we've been engaged for the past 2 years and have been scrimping and saving to afford this. the people who we're inviting to the reception only already know this and understood we couldn't invite them...now we are. see? happy surprise.
being canadian though, i'm super chill. i'm not offended, maybe irrationally hurt a little at the last comment...but i think i got the gist of it and am capable of making an informed decision and have some things to reflect on. thank you again for your imput. really do appreciate it
Look, Love, I get it. We all have people we wish we could invite but couldn't. It is hard but that is part of being an adult. You are not the first person to have a long engagement.
But I am not buying the "budget" wedding. You have: - 3 course meal - Dessert - midnight snack -Karaoke -Photobooth - custom wine labels (!)
I once got invited to the "evening" portion of a wedding. It was hurtful and insulting. Would I ever say anything to the bride or groom? No, of course not. But I (and almost everyone I know who also received this pity invite) have let the friendship die. We aren't aged 7- we understand we can't be invited everywhere. But unintentionally or not, you are telling these people that they aren't good enough. You are also (I'm sure not-purposefyully) saying: I can't buy you dinner, but buy me a gift.
You should reshift your catering so those 20 people can come. Cut out your photobooth and karaoke, that must easily be enough to cover those dinners. Cut back to only 1 dinner option.
Inviting evening guests to a wedding because of "budget" but had a 3 course meal, karaoke AND a photobooth is beyond rude.
Even just cutting out the pasta and only having 2 courses must be enough for 20 extra people.
I get that you are really trying to convince yourself that this is OK because no one is saying anything to your face. Newsflash: no one is going to say it to your face. If 99% of random people (including plenty of Canadians) are telling you its rude, maybe its time to cancel the photobooth and the print costs of a custom wine label and put that money into the meal for 20 people.
there are no print costs. we're printing the labels ourself. the wine was made by a family member. the photobooth is DIY. I used to be a photographer so i own the equipment already and the karaoke is also DIY. we have WIFI and a giant screen, and the FH was in a band so this stuff doesn't cost extra money which is why we're doing it. not that it's any of your business but our budget is well under 10 000. our caterer is a mom and pop business that i found with the recommendation of my aunt and it's the least expensive caterer we could find. they're doing this and cocktail apps for the same price we 1000 less than what we got quoted for a buffet with 1 side and 1 meat so, please don't assume you know my situation. seriously this is really tiring. my mistake for pointing out my 'faux pas' on a public forum apparently known for etiquette and other things. i won't be responding anymore so please don't waste your energy. i've moved on.:)
I cannot stand it when people say things about how they are on a budget and doing rude things for financial reasons. Like, wow, you are the first person on earth to pay for your own wedding and be required to stick to a budget, so, yes, you get special exceptions.
Except you're not and you don't, and as someone who is paying for their own wedding, I find this outrageous and borderline offensive. Do not use this is an excuse to treat people poorly.
We're on a budget --> small guest list --> venue that accommodates all our guests at our budget --> the end
Stupid BAD advice given on these boards a.k.a. the essence of tacky.
1. It's your day. Do what you want. You have a license to break etiquette rules and to be immune from the hurt feelings of your guests.
2. You are entitled to your wedding vision - even if you can't afford it. Putting on a big show is more important than the comfort and feelings of your guests.
3. Ignore the advice from experienced and knowledgeable people if it conflicts with your own desires and wedding vision.
4. There are other websites that will tell you anything you want to hear and blow rainbows where the sun don't shine. You will learn nothing from them, but they will agree with anything you say.
so..not quite sure why i feel the need to tell you this, @PamBeesly524 but geez, meow emphasis on ow:P
@vturnipseed1 has the gist of it and although i really truly do appreciate the sentiment of insuring our guests are not insulted, i think you are also overestimating the importance of the ceremony and dinner to the guests we're inviting afterwards. we know exactly who would be insulted if they weren't invited to the entire thing, and we made sure they came. we had an original headcount at dinner of 50 and added the extra 20 because of this and stretched out our food budget to the very max.:)
we didn't pick the venue because it's perfect. i know you don't know me...but this comment ruffled me a little, because this is far from the case..... we picked the venue because it was in our budget and acceptable and it was a pleasant surprise that we could invite more people than our tight budget allowed or that we had originally thought we would be capable of.
maybe to an outsider it is rude, and i could definitely understand certain people being offended or hurt... but i'm pretty sure our people understand this. I say pretty sure now because although before i was certain of this, i am now doubting myself.
as a bit of a back story to help you understand, we've been engaged for the past 2 years and have been scrimping and saving to afford this. the people who we're inviting to the reception only already know this and understood we couldn't invite them...now we are. see? happy surprise.
being canadian though, i'm super chill. i'm not offended, maybe irrationally hurt a little at the last comment...but i think i got the gist of it and am capable of making an informed decision and have some things to reflect on. thank you again for your imput. really do appreciate it
@Lomochic82, I like you. I wish you had consulted us earlier and we would have helped you plan the perfect wedding on a budget. Have the invitations been sent yet? If not, please STOP, and re-plan.
To plan a wedding, first you set your budget, (Good! You did this!), then you make up your guest list (Oops! You forgot this.) Only then do you select a venue based on both the budget AND the guest list. If either the budget or the guest list does not fit into the venue, then you downscale things, cut your guest list, or find a venue that will satisfy your requirements.
If you have not sent out the invitations, you have options.
1. Cut your guest list to the number of people your venue will hold and you can afford. Remember, no one has the right to expect an invitation to your wedding. If they demand one, then THEY are being very rude.
2. Cut the booze. It is not necessary. Maybe just wine and beer?
3. Find a venue that will hold all of your guests, and cut the menu to the bone.
My husband is president of our local astronomy society, and I like your designs. My sister had a lovely wedding in a city park shelter with just picnic food. People loved it, and everyone got enough to eat and drink. My own wedding was a simple church ceremony followed by cake and punch in the fellowship hall. Yes, we understand budget weddings here!
You can always have a casual celebration party for your other friends at a later date. This would not be a part of your wedding.
I understand that that was your wedding and that's how you chose to do it. She booked her venue so let's not talk about what she should have done. This is an advice forum, not a bitching forum, so what advice do you have for her? I find it funny yall have an opinion on something she didn't even ask advice on!
When you post on the Knot, you will get answers, some which you may not like. There are standard etiquette books in every public library that will explain the rules of wedding etiquette to you. When we give opinions and advice, it is usually based on these books and websites, not just our personal feelings. Before giving anymore wrong advice, you might want to read a book or two about etiquette. I like Miss Manners, who is very conservative, and who likes budget weddings. Emily Post used to be the standard, but Ms. Post died in 1960, and her family members have continued to publish under her name. Some of their advice is not good - especially about wording invitations! They have fallen victim to the wedding industry. I also use Amy Vanderbilt. If you search the internet, you will find sites that agree with any rude idea you can find. You know there is a lot of garbage out there on he internet, so take advice with caution. You can read and learn, or you can fume and pout. The ladies here are very knowledgeable, and most of them have already planned and had their own weddings, so they know most of the problems.
Why can't you push your ceremony to 8 and have dessert only? Then you can have your 70 people. This is fixable, but you need to acknowledge a tiered wedding is a really rude. Why would you ever want to treat 20 friends this way? It's not just rude- it is straight-up mean! No matter how much you convince yourself otherwise, you 100% are going to hurt feelings and offend people. They won't say it to your face, but you are.
if if you aren't willing to cut back your dinner wedding for these 20 people, then you shouldn't be inviting them, full stop.
Why can't you push your ceremony to 8 and have dessert only? Then you can have your 70 people. This is fixable, but you need to acknowledge a tiered wedding is a really rude. Why would you ever want to treat 20 friends this way? It's not just rude- it is straight-up mean! No matter how much you convince yourself otherwise, you 100% are going to hurt feelings and offend people. They won't say it to your face, but you are.
if if you aren't willing to cut back your dinner wedding for these 20 people, then you shouldn't be inviting them, full stop.
I'm going to be the asshole and put it bluntly. You're saying to some of your guests, hey I like you enough to buy you dinner, and hopefully you bring me a present and make me feel like a princess. And to the rest of them you're saying, hey I don't like you enough to buy you dinner but I still hope you bring me a present and make me feel like a popular princess. Straight up, you're being a dick.
Re: just finished making the menu, wine labels and midnight snack cards :)
As for forcing assumptions on others, what does that even mean? We are all telling OP that tiered wedding receptions are rude and against proper etiquette. That is not an assumption (which, again, does not mean what you think it means, apparently), nor even an opinion. Etiquette has nothing to do with anyone's opinions, and in this culture (western culture), it is always considered rude to b-list guests or have a tiered reception.
And to the bolded: Others have said it and I will say it again - these boards are all very pro-proper etiquette. When someone posts something that goes against proper etiquette (even if it was not the point of their post), people will call them out. If you do not want people to comment on what you say, don't say it to begin with.
ETF typo
But I am not buying the "budget" wedding. You have:
- 3 course meal
- Dessert
- midnight snack
-Karaoke
-Photobooth
- custom wine labels (!)
I once got invited to the "evening" portion of a wedding. It was hurtful and insulting. Would I ever say anything to the bride or groom? No, of course not. But I (and almost everyone I know who also received this pity invite) have let the friendship die. We aren't aged 7- we understand we can't be invited everywhere. But unintentionally or not, you are telling these people that they aren't good enough. You are also (I'm sure not-purposefyully) saying: I can't buy you dinner, but buy me a gift.
You should reshift your catering so those 20 people can come. Cut out your photobooth and karaoke, that must easily be enough to cover those dinners. Cut back to only 1 dinner option.
Inviting evening guests to a wedding because of "budget" but had a 3 course meal, karaoke AND a photobooth is beyond rude.
Even just cutting out the pasta and only having 2 courses must be enough for 20 extra people.
I get that you are really trying to convince yourself that this is OK because no one is saying anything to your face. Newsflash: no one is going to say it to your face. If 99% of random people (including plenty of Canadians) are telling you its rude, maybe its time to cancel the photobooth and the print costs of a custom wine label and put that money into the meal for 20 people.
seriously this is really tiring. my mistake for pointing out my 'faux pas' on a public forum apparently known for etiquette and other things.
i won't be responding anymore so please don't waste your energy. i've moved on.:)
Except you're not and you don't, and as someone who is paying for their own wedding, I find this outrageous and borderline offensive. Do not use this is an excuse to treat people poorly.
We're on a budget --> small guest list --> venue that accommodates all our guests at our budget --> the end
1. It's your day. Do what you want. You have a license to break etiquette rules and to be immune from the hurt feelings of your guests.
2. You are entitled to your wedding vision - even if you can't afford it. Putting on a big show is more important than the comfort and feelings of your guests.
3. Ignore the advice from experienced and knowledgeable people if it conflicts with your own desires and wedding vision.
4. There are other websites that will tell you anything you want to hear and blow rainbows where the sun don't shine. You will learn nothing from them, but they will agree with anything you say.
To plan a wedding, first you set your budget, (Good! You did this!), then you make up your guest list (Oops! You forgot this.) Only then do you select a venue based on both the budget AND the guest list. If either the budget or the guest list does not fit into the venue, then you downscale things, cut your guest list, or find a venue that will satisfy your requirements.
If you have not sent out the invitations, you have options.
1. Cut your guest list to the number of people your venue will hold and you can afford. Remember, no one has the right to expect an invitation to your wedding. If they demand one, then THEY are being very rude.
2. Cut the booze. It is not necessary. Maybe just wine and beer?
3. Find a venue that will hold all of your guests, and cut the menu to the bone.
My husband is president of our local astronomy society, and I like your designs.
My sister had a lovely wedding in a city park shelter with just picnic food. People loved it, and everyone got enough to eat and drink. My own wedding was a simple church ceremony followed by cake and punch in the fellowship hall. Yes, we understand budget weddings here!
You can always have a casual celebration party for your other friends at a later date. This would not be a part of your wedding.
There are standard etiquette books in every public library that will explain the rules of wedding etiquette to you. When we give opinions and advice, it is usually based on these books and websites, not just our personal feelings.
Before giving anymore wrong advice, you might want to read a book or two about etiquette. I like Miss Manners, who is very conservative, and who likes budget weddings. Emily Post used to be the standard, but Ms. Post died in 1960, and her family members have continued to publish under her name. Some of their advice is not good - especially about wording invitations! They have fallen victim to the wedding industry. I also use Amy Vanderbilt.
If you search the internet, you will find sites that agree with any rude idea you can find. You know there is a lot of garbage out there on he internet, so take advice with caution.
You can read and learn, or you can fume and pout. The ladies here are very knowledgeable, and most of them have already planned and had their own weddings, so they know most of the problems.
if if you aren't willing to cut back your dinner wedding for these 20 people, then you shouldn't be inviting them, full stop.