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Should I get my bridesmaids gifts?

Knottie1444782528Knottie1444782528 member
Name Dropper First Comment
in Moms and Maids
Okay so here is my issue... I am getting married in 5 weeks. Since I started planning about 6 months ago my 4 bridesmaids have done nothing. I paid for all of their dresses and I will pay for their hair and make up. I found my dress without, I have done all my DIYs without them and I even went to bridal shows without them. Forget about bachelorette party and bridal shower they have no motivation to do anything. So as of now I refuseto by them anything and I believe I am justified.. what do you guys think?
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Re: Should I get my bridesmaids gifts?

  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    The only people required to plan and pay for your wedding are you and your FI. Your BMs are not required to do anything other than show up, in the correct attire, sober, and on time for the wedding.  They don't have to plan any parties or events. These women are supposed to be your nearest and dearest.  You might want to talk about them and treat them that way.

    Buying their dresses was not necessary on your part, but it was nice.  Everything else is actually a gift to you for your pictures.  You need to get them gifts, even if they are small, and they should be individualized and personal, like you are shopping for their birthdays.  


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  • Knottie1444782528Knottie1444782528 member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    It's not about entitlement it's about friendship I guess there is a story behind it and I am not relaying it as clear as I should and my wedding is pretty much the last straw. It's about being there when you need them and they are not... a gift is supposed to be a reflection of our bond leading up to this experience and I feel that it hasn't been what I have expected from lifelong friends.. Sure they have their own things going on, but over the course of 6 months it has been a lonely journey.
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  • Knottie1444782528Knottie1444782528 member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    I never guilted them into paying for anything lol. I paid for everything without a second thought, because I know them I know their situations and I know people have their own things going. I don't expect them to PAY for anything.  that is why I am a little upset that when it comes to little projects or even bridal shows which I paid for the tickets for they didn't show up.  My mom even  offered to pay for the parties so they wouldn't have to pay for that either. They just aren't showing up or even interested it seems.

    My FI is a man and honestly I had to get on him for not helping at all in the beginning and since then he has really been on top of things. I have tried to have this talk with my girlfriends but it did not get the same reaction.
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  • Knottie1444782528Knottie1444782528 member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    Everything is paid for for them..all they have to do is show up and they aren't.
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  • PamBeesly524PamBeesly524 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Knottie1444782528 said:
    I never guilted them into paying for anything lol. I paid for everything without a second thought, because I know them I know their situations and I know people have their own things going. I don't expect them to PAY for anything.  that is why I am a little upset that when it comes to little projects or even bridal shows which I paid for the tickets for they didn't show up.  My mom even  offered to pay for the parties so they wouldn't have to pay for that either. They just aren't showing up or even interested it seems.

    My FI is a man and honestly I had to get on him for not helping at all in the beginning and since then he has really been on top of things. I have tried to have this talk with my girlfriends but it did not get the same reaction.
    What does this have to do with him not helping?
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  • Knottie1444782528Knottie1444782528 member
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    I mean can you help me stay on track with my vendors while I am out of town tending to my dad.. I come back I have emails from my venue and vendors and messages because nothing was done...
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  • geebee908geebee908 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Are you in the "all wedding all the time" zone? Because if you're not showing any interest in the friendship other than doing wedding things with them, they're probably turned off on anything related to your wedding. Don't forget that they're your friends first and your bridesmaids second. That means the most important aspect of their participation is that they're standing up with you when you get married.

    You should get them a nice gift which doesn't have to be big, but something that shows you're interested in each individual by getting them something that they would enjoy having.

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  • Knottie1444782528Knottie1444782528 member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    I don't know about you but none of the men in my family are interested in planning a wedding so his attention span when it comes to decor, venus and seating charts is about 2 seconds and he just becomes agreeable with no creative opinion of his own. . The only thing I could get him to sit still for was the menu tasting.
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  • glasgowtolondonglasgowtolondon member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Knottie1444782528 said:
    It's not about entitlement it's about friendship I guess there is a story behind it and I am not relaying it as clear as I should and my wedding is pretty much the last straw. It's about being there when you need them and they are not... a gift is supposed to be a reflection of our bond leading up to this experience and I feel that it hasn't been what I have expected from lifelong friends.. Sure they have their own things going on, but over the course of 6 months it has been a lonely journey.
    No need for the story behind it. Your situation is not unique. These ladies are not obligated to plan your wedding, that is the job of you and FI. You love these women, presumably, otherwise they wouldn't be your BM's. So unless you want to permanently damage your friendships please start acting like it, and tone down your entitlement. Simple.
                 
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  • Knottie1444782528Knottie1444782528 member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    @geebee908 I underststand what you are saying. We are able to go have drinks and talk about their day and you know go on day trips I feel like we have that balance. 

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  • Knottie1444782528Knottie1444782528 member
    Name Dropper First Comment

    Well thanks for the advice ladies... No need to be on the attack it was a simple question. Still my decision to make but I truly appreciate the advice. Good luck with all of your wedding plans!!

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  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Knottie1444782528 said:
    I don't know about you but none of the men in my family are interested in planning a wedding so his attention span when it comes to decor, venus and seating charts is about 2 seconds and he just becomes agreeable with no creative opinion of his own. . The only thing I could get him to sit still for was the menu tasting.
    If your FI isn't willing to work with you on an event that the both of you have chosen, you have bigger problems.  


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  • Knottie1444782528Knottie1444782528 member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    My FI works 80 hours a week.. we are fine
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  • flantasticflantastic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I had zero interest in going to bridal shows and shit like that when I was planning my own wedding. Your friends don't want to do this wedding stuff, and they absolutely don't have to. That doesn't make them bad friends.

    If all you've been talking about or doing is wedding wedding wedding for the last 6 months, and they're not interested in the planning of your wedding, I can see where you wouldn't have much in common right now.

    Go out with them for drinks or something and talk about what you would normally talk about. (Invite them out to "catch up.") Don't mention the wedding at all. Voila! Friends. And that's the relationship you're honoring with the bridal party roles, for which you should thank them with gifts.
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  • whoabetherswhoabethers member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    I understand why you are hurt, but you should really still get them gifts. It doesn't have to be anything big or expensive, since it sounds like you've already spent a lot of money getting them dresses and paying for hair/makeup! 
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  • tigerlily6tigerlily6 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    OP, not an attack, but just some perspective here -- there are a lot of us that have been in similar shoes as you, planning the wedding by ourselves with disinterested fiances. I know I'm in that boat. My closest BM lives 300 miles away. My MOH is 2300 miles away. Hell, my own mother is 200 miles away and has bad arthritis and hasn't been able to do the typical "bridal" stuff with me like help me buy a dress or figure out flowers or anything. It's been juggling a lot of stuff on my own, but that's okay. I'm the one who wants a to-do for my wedding, so I'm the one planning it. 

    Your Bridal Party are your guests of highest honor. Honor them with a gift for standing beside you in support of your marriage. 

                        


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  • mlewis85mlewis85 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    whoabethers said:
    I understand why you are hurt, but you should really still get them gifts. It doesn't have to be anything big or expensive, since it sounds like you've already spent a lot of money getting them dresses and paying for hair/makeup! 
    Ditto to this.  I'm sorry they haven't helped you with the extra things but you should still thank them for giving their time on the big day.  For showing up, getting their hair/makeup done, waiting while you say I do, taking pictures with you, etc.  That's time they could spend doing other things but they will instead spend it with you.  Doing stuff together before the wedding is nice but their only real commitment to you is on your wedding day.

    Since you've already spent a lot of money on other things, just get them something small like a card and a candle.

    Don't sweat the small stuff!  Focus on the good: you get married in 5 weeks! :)
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  • onefootinthebayouonefootinthebayou member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    You're going about this all wrong in that your expectations of your BP are really out of line.  PPs covered it well but your BP's role is to show up, on time, day of, in appointed attire.  That needs to be your baseline expectation.  Anything else they do for you or offer you are gifts TO you.  You should not be asking them for or expecting of them any of those things you listed: bridal shows, crafting, planning, vendor management, etc.  If people offer to do these things for you, great!  You're welcome to accept.  However, setting your expectation to the reality of what their role really is will prevent you from being disappointed and potentially coming off as very ungracious and risking your relationships with them.  The fact that your husband isn't interested in wedding planning is no excuse to pass his responsibilities onto the BP.  It is the job of you and your Fi to plan the wedding, period.  If you really need help, you can hire a planner.  

    FTR, H & I worked full time as an attorney and executive and planned our wedding solo.  Working hard and long hours is a completely invalid excuse.  

    People gave you really good advice.  Because it was to the point, and people told you your behavior was incorrect, does not make it an attack.  That's a poor attempt to deflect criticism.  

    Please consider the correct way to treat your BP, based on all the good advice PPs provided.  You will find that the perspective here, even when delivered directly and to the point, has the best interest of you and the relationships you value at heart.  We don't delight in the misfortune of others but when we see someone treating their loved ones and guest poorly, we won't hesitate to point it out.  Good luck, hopefully the advice you received here will help.  
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  • Knottie1444782528Knottie1444782528 member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    I am not deflecting criticsm.. someone said "gross" or I am "wrong" I am sure you can see how that can be seen as more of an attack rather than something constructive. Like I said before, I appreciate the advice that I did receive as that is why I posted in the first place and will consider all my options.

    It's not that I need help I guess I was just looking for them to be by my side through this whole process, but this is my first wedding so I wasn't sure what exactly to expect from my friends

    This is just one last detail that I am wrapping up and wanted to know how to go about it. So thank you again
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  • RomanceManagedRomanceManaged member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    I said gross, because it is gross behavior. These are people, and it sounds like you are treating them poorly. They are one hundred percent fullfilling their obligation to you, and are standing next to you in love and support on your wedding day. Thats huge. But because they aren't helping with DIY projects, bridal shows, and envelope stuffing that means they don't get enough respect to earn a gift from you to say thanks ? Again, gross behavior.

    None of my bridesmaids went with me to try on dresses, and none have helped with and DIY activity, or anything. Because it isn't their job. It is mine and FI's. If they offered, I would gladly accept, but would harbor absolutely no ill regards otherwise.

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  • geebee908geebee908 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    mlewis85 said:
    whoabethers said:
    I understand why you are hurt, but you should really still get them gifts. It doesn't have to be anything big or expensive, since it sounds like you've already spent a lot of money getting them dresses and paying for hair/makeup! 
    Ditto to this.  I'm sorry they haven't helped you with the extra things but you should still thank them for giving their time on the big day.  For showing up, getting their hair/makeup done, waiting while you say I do, taking pictures with you, etc.  That's time they could spend doing other things but they will instead spend it with you.  Doing stuff together before the wedding is nice but their only real commitment to you is on your wedding day.

    Since you've already spent a lot of money on other things, just get them something small like a card and a candle.

    Don't sweat the small stuff!  Focus on the good: you get married in 5 weeks! :)
    Don't get them candles or any generic trinket unless you know that's something they're into. You shop for them individually, taking into account their interests.
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  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    OP, I wasn't trying to be rude. I do think it's wrong to not give your bridesmaids gifts because they didn't live up to your expectations, though. 

    I got married last year. My MOH lives 12 hours away from me and one of my BMs lives 3 hours away. My now husband was almost 3 hours away in school full time during wedding planning. I planned our entire wedding by myself. It gets overwhelming. I get it. Regardless of circumstances, I still only accepted help if it was offered. I didn't ask anything of or expect anything from my bridal party. They all got gifts. 

    Nobody here is trying to attack you. We are trying to save you from potentially making a huge mistake that will damage your friendships in the future. 

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