How To do Save the Dates for DW and AHR?

MsNatalieL · March 2016

We plan to invite everyone to both the Destination Wedding and At Home Reception. While looking at cute Save the Date cards tonight and seeing a little heart marking the date on the calendar, I wondered, do you mark/list both dates on the Save the Date? Or send separate Save the Dates?

ernursej · March 2016

I'm not sure how you would do that as having two events is rude. You will need to host your destination wedding guests properly, by having a reception immediately following your ceremony. You could perhaps have a celebration of the marriage on your return, but you don't have the wedding reception components (including items like reenacting the ceremony, cake cutting and first dances).

CMGragain · March 2016

You get ONE wedding reception, and that is for your guests on your wedding day. Send your STDs for that.
You can have a party to celebrate when you return home, but it will not be your wedding reception. You will have had that on your wedding day. It is for your guests who came to your wedding. No STDs need be sent for a party. Just send out invitations like for any other party.

MobKaz · March 2016

Knottie1456528968 said:

We plan to invite everyone to both the Destination Wedding and At Home Reception. While looking at cute Save the Date cards tonight and seeing a little heart marking the date on the calendar, I wondered, do you mark/list both dates on the Save the Date? Or send separate Save the Dates?

As others have mentioned, you can send STD's for your destination wedding/wedding reception that is held on the same day. Upon return from your wedding, you can then send out invitations for your celebration party. No STD's are necessary for a basic party event.

Jells2dot0 · March 2016

AHRs are not ideal, but as long as you are having a reception immediately following your ceremony AND an AHR, then you are not breaking etiquette. Bonus points for inviting only the people you invited to the DW!

As for STDs, I agree with PPs- it's a separate event, so it gets separate invites and whatnot. But, I would not send anything for the AHR until after your DW has taken place.

msuprincess04 · March 2016

We did it as others have mentioned. We sent save the dates and wedding invitations for our DW. Afterwards, we sent separate invitations for a post-wedding summer BBQ. There was an awesome cake, and our photos were around for those who wanted to look at them, but it wasn't any other "wedding" items.

MsNatalieL · March 2016

Let me start by saying that one of the reasons I'm referring to it as a reception is because of the list of The Knot acronyms I found on this site, which includes "At Home Reception" or AHR.

While I understand the general consensus around here is that it is "rude" to have two events, I don't see how spending thousands of dollars to host an event for the sole purpose of our family and friends being able to enjoy and celebrate our marriage is rude at all. We want to get married at the Vatican and had only intended to have a Destination Wedding. However, when we called my grandmother to tell her about our engagement her response was "oh I have a grand occasion to look forward to! " Knowing my 92 year old grandma can't travel that far, along with the reactions of other family members and my mother's insistence that we have a "reception" back here, we decided to have an event back home as well. Combine that with the fact that I know several people who have had an AHR (my cousin included), we don't believe we are being rude.

All that to say, I'm just asking for advice on how to handle the STDs. We have a lot of family that would still have to make travel arrangements if they decide to come to our AHR. Therefore I would think we'd need to send a STD for both, and would we not want to inform people of our plans for both at the same time?

Am I asking this on the wrong forum?

Jells2dot0 · March 2016

Knottie1456528968 said:

Let me start by saying that one of the reasons I'm referring to it as a reception is because of the list of The Knot acronyms I found on this site, which includes "At Home Reception" or AHR.

While I understand the general consensus around here is that it is "rude" to have two events, I don't see how spending thousands of dollars to host an event for the sole purpose of our family and friends being able to enjoy and celebrate our marriage is rude at all. We want to get married at the Vatican and had only intended to have a Destination Wedding. However, when we called my grandmother to tell her about our engagement her response was "oh I have a grand occasion to look forward to! " Knowing my 92 year old grandma can't travel that far, along with the reactions of other family members and my mother's insistence that we have a "reception" back here, we decided to have an event back home as well. Combine that with the fact that I know several people who have had an AHR (my cousin included), we don't believe we are being rude.

All that to say, I'm just asking for advice on how to handle the STDs. We have a lot of family that would still have to make travel arrangements if they decide to come to our AHR. Therefore I would think we'd need to send a STD for both, and would we not want to inform people of our plans for both at the same time?

Am I asking this on the wrong forum?

The reason people thought the AHR was rude is because it wasn't clear that you were having a ceremony with a reception immediately following and then an AHR after you returned. It's only rude when you have a ceremony and then do not host a reception immediately following the ceremony to thank your guests attending. For DWs, this is super important because people are traveling a long way and spending thousands to see you get married.

Also- you got advice on the STDs. We recommend separate items because the events are totally separate. STDs are not super common for AHRs, though.

Jells2dot0 · March 2016

By the way, you can't dictate how people respond to your posts. The posters are actually looking out for you by making sure you are not breaking any etiquette protocols. If you already have it covered- great! If not, then I recommend soaking up the spot on advice.

[Deleted User] · March 2016

The problem with "advertising" the AHR before the wedding happens is that people might decide to choose one over the other. "Hmm, they're getting married in Italy in May, but are having a Reception in Kansas in June. Let's skip Italy and just plan on Kansas." But, if you're having your wedding in Italy, you want people to attend that as it's the Real Thing. "Oh look! They're getting married in Italy in May. Do you have enough vacation time to swing a week-long tour of Italy before heading to the wedding at the end? Oh, we need to check our passports!" You can still have a party afterwards for Grandma and anyone else to attend, of course you can do that! But you don't have to let people know that it's a valid substitution for actually attending your actual wedding.

MsNatalieL · March 2016

Yes we will be having some sort or reception in Italy, but we really only expect 10 or so people to attend, considering just to get there is over $1,000. So I expect whatever we do over there will be like dinner, drinks, dessert on us after the wedding. Are you suggesting it needs to be a bigger deal in Italy? Maybe I need more info on what to do for guests who attend a DW.

@adk19 I see what you're saying, but aren't we actually saying it IS a valid substitution? The main reason we decided to even have an "AHR " is because we expect most people won't be able to come to DW but want to come to something.

[Deleted User] · March 2016

Knottie1456528968 said:

Yes we will be having some sort or reception in Italy, but we really only expect 10 or so people to attend, considering just to get there is over $1,000. So I expect whatever we do over there will be like dinner, drinks, dessert on us after the wedding. Are you suggesting it needs to be a bigger deal in Italy? Maybe I need more info on what to do for guests who attend a DW.

@adk19 I see what you're saying, but aren't we actually saying it IS a valid substitution? The main reason we decided to even have an "AHR " is because we expect most people won't be able to come to DW but want to come to something.

But people might surprise you. I've always wanted to go to Italy. I'd totally use your wedding as an excuse to force FH to take me. I don't want the "valid substitution." And I'm not saying you can't throw the AHR, I'm just saying not to put it out there YET. I mean if Aunt Betty calls you up when she gets the STDate to your Vatican wedding, "Oh, darling niece, I so wish we could go to your wedding. But your uncle Bob can't get on a plane with his sciatica." You can tell her not to worry, you'll probably be throwing a party when you get back. She can see you, see or meet your husband, and you'll hopefully have most of your photos available for viewing if she's interested in that. But, like I said, maybe she'll surprise you, "Oh, darling niece, your uncle Bob can't get on a plane with his sciatica, so your Aunt Mildred and I have decided to take a girls trip to Italy for your wedding!"

So, my advice is, STDate for your destination wedding 9-12 months prior to the wedding. Invitations to your wedding 8-10 weeks prior to the wedding. AHR invitations 4-5 weeks prior to the AHR.

CMGragain · March 2016

1. You must have an actual reception for your guests in Italy after your marriage ceremony. This is your wedding reception, and you only get one.

2. You can have a party to celebrate your marriage at home. I think this is very appropriate. It is not called your "wedding reception" and it is not a part of your wedding. This is why the invitations must be sent separately.
This party can be as big and as extravagant as you wish. There are only a few rules:

A. Since it is not your wedding day, you do not wear your wedding dress. You may put it on to show people (especially Grandma) but you should change into something more suitable for the rest of the party. Nothing wrong with a lovely formal gown if it is that kind of party.

B. I would encourage you to show pictures of your trip to Italy, as well as from your honeymoon.

C. No wedding traditions at your celebration party. No bouquet tosses, and if you have a spotlight dance, it is not your "first dance". Go ahead and dance, just call it something else. "Newlyweds' dance"?

D. Please do not have a re-do ceremony. The Catholic Church would frown on this. It is not your wedding day. No attendants, either.

E. No toasts "to the bride and groom". You can toast to your guests health and happiness. Someone can toast "to the newlywed couple".

I think you can have a perfectly lovely party that will be enjoyable for your family. It is more about what you are calling things than about what you are doing. Just don't dress up like a bride and play let's pretend.

CMGragain · March 2016

If you are having a really formal party after your wedding day, this might be good wording:

The pleasure of your company is requested

to celebrate the recent marriage of

Bride's Full Name

and

Groom's Full Name

Date of party

time o'clock

Venue

Address

City, State

This makes it crystal clear that you are already married, and that this is not your wedding day or your wedding reception.

geebee908 · March 2016

Knottie1456528968 said:

Yes we will be having some sort or reception in Italy, but we really only expect 10 or so people to attend, considering just to get there is over $1,000. So I expect whatever we do over there will be like dinner, drinks, dessert on us after the wedding. Are you suggesting it needs to be a bigger deal in Italy? Maybe I need more info on what to do for guests who attend a DW.

@adk19 I see what you're saying, but aren't we actually saying it IS a valid substitution? The main reason we decided to even have an "AHR " is because we expect most people won't be able to come to DW but want to come to something.

This is fine for hosting the guests who come to your DW; however, you need to have a plan for hosting if everyone you invite should happen to decide they'd love a trip to Rome for your wedding. I know the chances of that are slim, but can you afford to host everyone if a significant number of people decide to make the trip?

Jells2dot0 · March 2016

Knottie1456528968 said:

Yes we will be having some sort or reception in Italy, but we really only expect 10 or so people to attend, considering just to get there is over $1,000. So I expect whatever we do over there will be like dinner, drinks, dessert on us after the wedding. Are you suggesting it needs to be a bigger deal in Italy? Maybe I need more info on what to do for guests who attend a DW.

@adk19 I see what you're saying, but aren't we actually saying it IS a valid substitution? The main reason we decided to even have an "AHR " is because we expect most people won't be able to come to DW but want to come to something.

The "bigger deal" of the two parties (Italy reception vs AHR) should be the one in Italy. While fully hosted dinner, drinks, and dessert would be considered a proper reception, keep in mind that those traveling are spending a great deal of time and money to attend your wedding. So, I would host those in Italy at least equal to, or greater than, what you plan to host back home. You don't have to have dancing or any tosses or whatnot, though. A lot of the AHR plans we see on here are more on par with backyard BBQs or simple parties (though fully hosted) because it's not the actual wedding itself. They spent their planning time and budget on the DW/reception.

An AHR should never be a substitution for the DW reception. It is an optional party thrown as a courtesy, since we all know that traveling the world isn't feasible for all. Again, it's optional. A reception following the ceremony is not.

princessleia22 · March 2016

Knottie1456528968 said:

Yes we will be having some sort or reception in Italy, but we really only expect 10 or so people to attend, considering just to get there is over $1,000. So I expect whatever we do over there will be like dinner, drinks, dessert on us after the wedding. Are you suggesting it needs to be a bigger deal in Italy? Maybe I need more info on what to do for guests who attend a DW.

@adk19 I see what you're saying, but aren't we actually saying it IS a valid substitution? The main reason we decided to even have an "AHR " is because we expect most people won't be able to come to DW but want to come to something.

What you stated for after the wedding in Italy, treating them to dinner & drinks, sounds perfectly fine. A proper reception doesn't have to be a big, fancy affair. Just as long as you are covering the bill for the meal & drinks, as that is your thank you to the guests for attending.

I personally don't see any issue with informing people of the at home celebration now (it's best to refer to it as a marriage celebration, not a reception, since you will have already had reception dinner in Italy). Yes, more people may choose to skip the Italy wedding knowing that there is a closer alternative, but you may be okay with that. And if people will need to travel to attend the at-home celebration, I think it's best to give them time to plan for that and make arrangements.

The at-home celebration is a separate event and certainly should have it's own invitation, not combined with wedding invite. But, since STD's are generally informal and not required anyway, I personally don't see a problem doing a STD that gives both dates. You could also just inform people of dates for the at-home celebration via word of mouth or e-mail or whatever.

MobKaz · March 2016

Jells2dot0 said:

Knottie1456528968 said:

Yes we will be having some sort or reception in Italy, but we really only expect 10 or so people to attend, considering just to get there is over $1,000. So I expect whatever we do over there will be like dinner, drinks, dessert on us after the wedding. Are you suggesting it needs to be a bigger deal in Italy? Maybe I need more info on what to do for guests who attend a DW.

@adk19 I see what you're saying, but aren't we actually saying it IS a valid substitution? The main reason we decided to even have an "AHR " is because we expect most people won't be able to come to DW but want to come to something.

The "bigger deal" of the two parties (Italy reception vs AHR) should be the one in Italy. While fully hosted dinner, drinks, and dessert would be considered a proper reception, keep in mind that those traveling are spending a great deal of time and money to attend your wedding. So, I would host those in Italy at least equal to, or greater than, what you plan to host back home. You don't have to have dancing or any tosses or whatnot, though. A lot of the AHR plans we see on here are more on par with backyard BBQs or simple parties (though fully hosted) because it's not the actual wedding itself. They spent their planning time and budget on the DW/reception.
An AHR should never be a substitution for the DW reception. It is an optional party thrown as a courtesy, since we all know that traveling the world isn't feasible for all. Again, it's optional. A reception following the ceremony is not.

I have to agree. If I went to the time, trouble, and expense of attending an Italian DW, I would certainly hope to be thanked with more than " some sort of reception in Italy".

CMGragain · March 2016

Just to add a thought, OP, your guests from the wedding and reception in Italy should also be invited to your at home celebration party. They can attend both if they wish. You cannot invite them as "choose which one you will attend".

LondonLisa · March 2016

I'm not trying to be difficult here, but have you already booked the church in the Vatican and received your license? It takes about 18 months and they are now require a wedding to have at least 20 guests because they don't want to be seen as a wedding destination for elopements. The Vatican assumes that you would be getting married in your local parish as it is important to share the sacrament with your community and church, therefore Destination Weddings are pretty lost on them. I am sure getting married at the Vatican would be beautiful and very special, but unless you already have your license, a small, 10 person destination wedding in the Vatican is highly unlikely.

Just to echo previous posters: Your ONLY wedding reception will be in Rome. Throw a party all you want when you get back, but it is just that: a party. You are a wife, not a bride by this time so don't do anything bridal or wedding related. Normally save the dates are not done for local parties.

Just remember that hey are 2 separate events and should not be sent in the same invitation. Your wedding and reception are in Italy.

Maggie0829 · March 2016

The reason why I am not a fan of these AHR is because if you want to throw a party at home so that you can party with all of your family and friends who can't make your DW, then why not just have your wedding locally? It just seems so odd to me. If being able to celebrate your marriage/wedding with all of these people is important then why would one want a DW? To me these wedding tours/celebrations are overkill. People just need to decide what is more important...getting married in an exotic location where only a handful of people may be able to come or get married locally and be able to celebrate with everyone.

geebee908 · March 2016

@LondonLisa brings up a good point; will you meet the requirements to have this wedding in the Vatican? Might make more sense to get married in the US where it's less hassle for everyone to see you get married, have one party, and go to Italy for your honeymoon where you can receive the papal marriage blessing.

climbingsingle · March 2016

I also don't really understand the reasoning behind DW and then AHR. It was very important for me to have my 92 year old grandmother present at my wedding (and the rest of my family), which is why I got married in New York. You know, the state we all live in.

AddieCake · March 2016

Would you send STDs if you were throwing a big party next month? No. So you
don't need to send them for the big party you're throwing Soon after next <insert wedding date here.>

May5Bride2016 · March 2016

I am doing a destination wedding and then a party when we return as well. I am doing the party after to 'celebrate our nuptials' as the invitations say. The wedding is in a special location for us, where we fell in love. So it's important for US to have it there. It's also important to celebrate with all of our family as well, which we will do once we return. Two weeks later. I don't understand why some folks get so salty on having two celebrations??? If I want to host & pay for parties for my family and friends for a month, I don't see any harm in it!

That being said - I am just doing a regular invite for the party after. It's worded as XXX & XXX will be married on the island of XX on XX. Please join them to celebrate their nuptials on ...etc. If you have folks traveling - I would just send them out far enough in advance. Maybe mail them in two waves - out of town and local. Local being closer to the AHR.

[Deleted User] · March 2016

Knottie1456863303 said:

I am doing a destination wedding and then a party when we return as well. I am doing the party after to 'celebrate our nuptials' as the invitations say. The wedding is in a special location for us, where we fell in love. So it's important for US to have it there. It's also important to celebrate with all of our family as well, which we will do once we return. Two weeks later. I don't understand why some folks get so salty on having two celebrations??? If I want to host & pay for parties for my family and friends for a month, I don't see any harm in it!

That being said - I am just doing a regular invite for the party after. It's worded as XXX & XXX will be married on the island of XX on XX. Please join them to celebrate their nuptials on ...etc. If you have folks traveling - I would just send them out far enough in advance. Maybe mail them in two waves - out of town and local. Local being closer to the AHR.

We get salty on this because you're obviously prioritizing your wedding location over your guests. Which is fine, but just own that that's what's happening. "It is more important to me to get married in the place where we fell in love than to have ALL our family and friends able to attend. We'll throw a conciliation party afterwards though, so while we don't really care enough about you to invite you to our wedding, we'll totally throw you a party since you couldn't go to the real thing."

May5Bride2016 · March 2016

Well, thank you for stating your opinion (because that is what it is) as gospel. You don't need to like destination weddings-go make a big fairy tale wedding and blow 40k. That is fine. To each their own - that's just not what I want to do. Opinions-get it??

Youre right though on one thing, it IS fine for folks who want to marry away! It's not more important than my guests because we are not having guests! It's our day, our commitment and what WE want to do. If I lived for everyone else (guests included) then I'd never get to live how I want to! We would like to celebrate what we've done with loved ones and plan to host a nice party. It's not a conciliation party-it's a celebration in which all of our loved ones who have broadened minds are happy for the commitment that WE made to EACH OTHER. Our commitment is about us really, at the end of the day. We don't want gifts (part of the reason for not having the large traditional wedding too) and want it to be about our commitment-not hosting guests.

That at being said-I love any kind of wedding. My hope always, when attending weddings and/or AHR's is that the couple did everything they wanted. Because it IS about them - it's their day. So whatever it is that they chose-I am happy for them. And that is just how it should be.

Jells2dot0 · March 2016

Knottie1456863303 said:

Well, thank you for stating your opinion (because that is what it is) as gospel. You don't need to like destination weddings-go make a big fairy tale wedding and blow 40k. That is fine. To each their own - that's just not what I want to do. Opinions-get it??

Youre right though on one thing, it IS fine for folks who want to marry away! It's not more important than my guests because we are not having guests! It's our day, our commitment and what WE want to do. If I lived for everyone else (guests included) then I'd never get to live how I want to! We would like to celebrate what we've done with loved ones and plan to host a nice party. It's not a conciliation party-it's a celebration in which all of our loved ones who have broadened minds are happy for the commitment that WE made to EACH OTHER. Our commitment is about us really, at the end of the day. We don't want gifts (part of the reason for not having the large traditional wedding too) and want it to be about our commitment-not hosting guests.

That at being said-I love any kind of wedding. My hope always, when attending weddings and/or AHR's is that the couple did everything they wanted. Because it IS about them - it's their day. So whatever it is that they chose-I am happy for them. And that is just how it should be.

Does your family already know your plans? I'm genuinely curious as to their reactions.

We eloped, so obviously, we had no guests. That is the type of wedding we wanted. However, to me, it made no sense to have a celebration party afterwards. Since we eloped, having a party would defeat the purpose and contradict our intent. It also think it would make our families feel bad. We cut them out of our plans, but just kidding, not really. In my situation, we just announced our marriage and left it at that. There was no need to rub it in by throwing a party well to celebrate something we left them out of on purpose. But, we really wanted a private wedding with no fanfare or attention. No drama or having to cater to others. If you have a party, you are letting other people in.

May5Bride2016 · March 2016

Oh of course they're all aware! They're incredibly happy for us that we get to have our dream wedding and look forward to celebrating when we get home. We did it this way for different reasons than you-if you didn't want to celebrate at any point, that's fine. Not for everyone. This is however, becoming a more common way. Not for everyone, but it works perfect for us.

For them, we aren't "rubbing it in"...they're thrilled we get to do it they way we want. It is about our commitment - and they'll still be a part of our celebration that we are also looking forward to sharing those moments with.

May5Bride2016 · March 2016

And quite honestly Jelles-perhaps some of your potential "just kidding" guests felt they weren't important enough to be involved in even a celebration, no aspect of your commitment at all. If we go by your theory.

Id bet most people feel that it is your choice, your day, your commitment and you do what you feel is best for you. If anyone feels differently-I feel it's selfish! It's just not about them! I just couldn't imagine being hurt because someone eloped. Or feel slighted if they had an AHR after. It's 2016- not 1932.

LondonLisa · March 2016

It is rude because you are doing it before the event. Your invitation reads:

"We are throwing a party on XX that you are not invited to, but we are throwing ANOTHER party on YYY that you can come to".

Or, if you are inviting them to the wedding it reads:
"We are throwing a party on XXX but we really don't want you there so why not come to YYY instead".

No one is against throwing a party- who doesn't like a party? But it is strange to be invited to a redo, faux-wedding. The "AHR" is just that- a party like any other party. I am thrilled when my friends get married but it is strange to see a grown, married woman pretend she is a bride.

The best way to mitigate this rudeness is to treat them like 2 separate events (because they are!). Invite people to your wedding and ceremony at the destination and then send another invitation to your party. Or, send marriage announcements after the wedding and a party invitation. (but be aware, the latter really only works for small, private ceremonies- like under 20 people).

Save the dates are not done for parties.

How To do Save the Dates for DW and AHR?

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