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Pre-wedding Parties
Sammy1112
member
Bridal Showers, Bachelorette Party & a 2nd time bride
Hi All!
I am getting married 8 months from today (YAY!!!) for the 2nd time. My friends keep mentioning bridal showers & bachelorette weekends & frankly I am not feeling it. Been there, done that. I have zero interest in having another bridal shower, opening presents while people ooooooh and aaaaaah, etc, etc. I told my sister today that I want to have a champagne brunch with a waffle bar (YUM) at her house (she volunteered to host my bridal shower) and only invite my closest friends, 2 cousins, my Mom, my Aunt, and that's it. (Like 15 people altogether) I would like to go to a spa for massages, manis/pedis afterwards & that's it. My sister says my wish is her command but how do I avoid hurt feelings and all that with people I don't care to include? Should I be honest or blame my sister & say it was all a surprise? LOLOLOLOL!!!
Also, I decided on this invitation & as a favor I would like to give away champagne bottles that would have a tag with a cutesy message (possibly matching the invite) for each guest, a small box of chocolates & a personalized champagne glass. What do you think? Am I taking the fun out of things by taking over & not letting my friends plan for me?
I already hinted to my coworkers that I'd like to do Painting with a Twist with them, that way they won't feel bad about not being invited to champagne day. I really want to keep things simple & the general popular vote is that I should stop being ridiculous & just go all out.
I am getting married 8 months from today (YAY!!!) for the 2nd time. My friends keep mentioning bridal showers & bachelorette weekends & frankly I am not feeling it. Been there, done that. I have zero interest in having another bridal shower, opening presents while people ooooooh and aaaaaah, etc, etc. I told my sister today that I want to have a champagne brunch with a waffle bar (YUM) at her house (she volunteered to host my bridal shower) and only invite my closest friends, 2 cousins, my Mom, my Aunt, and that's it. (Like 15 people altogether) I would like to go to a spa for massages, manis/pedis afterwards & that's it. My sister says my wish is her command but how do I avoid hurt feelings and all that with people I don't care to include? Should I be honest or blame my sister & say it was all a surprise? LOLOLOLOL!!!
Also, I decided on this invitation & as a favor I would like to give away champagne bottles that would have a tag with a cutesy message (possibly matching the invite) for each guest, a small box of chocolates & a personalized champagne glass. What do you think? Am I taking the fun out of things by taking over & not letting my friends plan for me?
I already hinted to my coworkers that I'd like to do Painting with a Twist with them, that way they won't feel bad about not being invited to champagne day. I really want to keep things simple & the general popular vote is that I should stop being ridiculous & just go all out.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Bridal Showers, Bachelorette Party & a 2nd time bride
I'm confused about your coworkers. Did they ask if you want to do something? It's fine if you want to do a paint night with them just for fun, but I hope you weren't hinting for a wedding-related party out of it.
You shouldnt be planning your shower, picking out invitations for it, etc. That's for the hostess to do.
I'm not really planning my own shower. I wanted to have a brunch & spa day with MY nearest & dearest INSTEAD of the usual bridal shower. I want to pay for everything, I don't care for a big fuss but people are making me feel bad for not letting them go all out. (I know, what a problem to have.)
You said you weren't planning your own shower, and that you want to have a brunch and spa day, which you will fund. Your invitations say otherwise. Which is it? Your own words say that "you are taking over the event". If your sister offered to host something, you really should not be dictating what she serves or where she hosts the event. It is not up to you how invitations are designed, nor what favors, if any, are gifted. You should also not be dictating an "after event".
If your co-workers are invited to the wedding, and offer to host something for you, your options are to gratefully accept or decline their offer. It is definitely NOT appropriate for you to tell, hint, or dictate alternative options.
I don't understand this at all. You want to make a fuss (any kind of party is, to some degree, "making a fuss") and yet you don't want THEM to make a fuss by planning something.
If you don't want a shower, that's perfectly fine. Then you decline their offer. But it's inappropriate for you to then take that offer for one kind of party and completely insert yourself and overhaul it into a completely different kind of party. If they ask you what you would like instead, meaning they are willing to change their original idea and throw you another kind of party, then you can offer that you would prefer something more along the lines of a luncheon with no gifts. But then the ball is in their court to determine whether they want to offer that party up and plan it...not you.
As for the coworkers, if they offered to throw you something, that's fine, but again you don't get to decide it for them and if they aren't invited to the wedding they shouldn't be invited to pre-wedding parties. The only thing in the realm of your control is whether what they are offering is acceptable to you and to accept it or decline it. But if you're trying to put this thing together because you're worried they will be "left out" then just don't. People really, really, really don't care about being left out as much as you may think. People understand budgets and venue restrictions and whatnot. There is nothing wrong with hanging out with your coworkers and if they are the sort of people you hang out with anyway (I routinely socialize with about five people in my office outside of work/happy hour) and a sip and paint event is the sort of thing you guys would do anyway (three of my coworkers go and do this regularly), then by all means organize an event - but organize it with zero pretext of it being wedding related. And if these aren't the sorts of people you would routinely go to these kinds of things with outside of work time then you just shouldn't be doing it all (and again - they organize it, not you if it's intended to be a wedding-related party).
It is you celebrating yourself b/c you're throwing it TO celebrate you getting married. If you weren't, this event would be happening prior to getting engaged or after the wedding or some other random time not associate with you getting married and not involve a guest list of people affiliated with the wedding.
People have offered parties for you, and you are declining them and turning around and hosting something yourself instead. Essentially, you're throwing yourself a shower with the spa and brunch day. There's no other way to look at it.
It's fine to do paint night with your coworkers if they want to do something for you and paint night is what you prefer. It's the spa and brunch day hosted by you that is the problem.
That = celebrating yourself.
You can't throw a party that honors yourself. That's beyond tacky.
Stay out of the planning. Your sister asked what you wanted to do, you said brunch and spa, and now you need to let her take it from there. That's where your involvement should end. You should have NO say in the invitations. If she starts planning a party/shower/whatever that you're not interested in, you can politely decline.
No one is entitled to an invitation to any party. You do not have to explain yourself or think you need to provide a "consolation prize" because they didn't make the cut for something.
If your co-workers offered to host a weekend getaway for you, you are free to decline this event. You may also say, "I would really prefer something more low key and local, such as a paint and wine night". But beyond that, your input stops. Your co-workers may plan the paint and wine night, or they may choose to plan something else local and low key. Of course you can decline this too if it is something you are unwilling to do, but you can't plan the party for them.
Same with your friends. It's fine to let whoever offered to host your shower know that you would rather focus on an event that not a gift giving event (such as a tea or luncheon) but again, it is not for you to plan or fund this party, nor tell your sister exactly what to do. You ask her how many people she is comfortable hosting, and when she tells you, you may provide her with a guest list. Beyond that, happily accept whatever she has offered to plan (even if it doesn't include a mani-pedi for everyone), or decline the event all together.
My sister asked me what I wanted to do since she knows I don't want a traditional shower. I said lets do brunch. She said brunch is too tame and everyone will leave by 3pm. I said lets go to a spa. I'm willing to pay for it cause it was my idea, not everyone may have the money to spend and I can afford to pay for everyone so no big deal. I don't see what's so odd about it.
Your sister asked you for ideas of what you wanted to do, and you mentioned brunch or spa, that's great - now leave the details up to her to actually decide what this entails, and to communicate details to the invitees about the costs, timing, etc., and they can choose whether or not they are able to attend.
If you want to take a bunch of friends out to a spa day sometime, that's great, but it should not be part of this pre-wedding event honoring you. That's the difference.
ETA If what your friends will plan is too much for you, turn it down.
If you want to plan a brunch and spa day and invite your friends, go for it - but it can't be related to your wedding, or it's a day you've planned to celebrate you. I don't see what's difficult to understand about that.
I also find it very strange that your sister is concerned about a shower being too tame and that everyone will leave by 3. Our showers (both bridal and baby) always have alcohol but they're not for people to rage all night.
I just got married for the second time. I had no interest in a shower. I turned down every offer. When my MOH brought up a bach party, I told her what I would like to do (low key, close by, nothing over the top). I gave her a list of people I wanted included. And she planned it from there.
It's nice you want to pay for everything, but you are still throwing yourself your own party. It's not cool.
Calm down, FFS. you have good intentions but you're going about it the wrong way.
Well, I was asked what I wanted so I was very specific. My sister is very indecisive yet adventurous, if I don't give VERY specific requests she'll have us jumping out of a plane or getting tattoos. I was just trying to avoid all the crazy but maybe I went a tad overboard.
FFS, I am calm. You guys are the ones getting all riled up and acting like officers of the etiquette police. i obviously wouldn't normally throw myself any kind of shower, in fact and maybe I wasn't clear enough, my original idea was to do the whole spa thing sometime in the summer (way before the wedding) with the people I would invite IF I were having a real shower. My brunch idea was apparently too tame for my sister so I threw in the spa suggestion so she'd plan something like that and not book us a trip to Vegas or some other crazy adventure that I'm not into. In any case, simmer down ya'll, I'm gonna tell them to come over for Netflix and wine and that's it. Proble, solved. Haha