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How To do Save the Dates for DW and AHR?

13

Re: How To do Save the Dates for DW and AHR?

  • Well, I would never feel as though it's a 'consolation prize' as you all like to refer to it as.  I seriously doubt anyone else would feel that way either. We're including them in the only portion we plan to include anyone.

    The party would not be celebrating ourselves, it's join us in celebrating the good news. Like you would for a promotion or other good news.

    Also, like I mentioned, it's actually my best friend hosting the party - we're just helping plan and some of the financial stuff. I don't want her spending all this money on us. Though, knowing her, she probably will....

    I also disagree that the reception is only a thank you & not a celebration. Sure part is a thank you - here, have a nice meal....that being said...Why the first dance? Why the cake cutting, why the garter toss, why do they pick the song list- that's a thanks? No, it's a celebration for the bride and groom, that they're hosting. Simple.
  • Well, I would never feel as though it's a 'consolation prize' as you all like to refer to it as.  I seriously doubt anyone else would feel that way either. We're including them in the only portion we plan to include anyone.

    The party would not be celebrating ourselves, it's join us in celebrating the good news. Like you would for a promotion or other good news.

    Also, like I mentioned, it's actually my best friend hosting the party - we're just helping plan and some of the financial stuff. I don't want her spending all this money on us. Though, knowing her, she probably will....

    I also disagree that the reception is only a thank you & not a celebration. Sure part is a thank you - here, have a nice meal....that being said...Why the first dance? Why the cake cutting, why the garter toss, why do they pick the song list- that's a thanks? No, it's a celebration for the bride and groom, that they're hosting. Simple.
    None of that is required to have a wedding.  None of that is required to have a reception.  None of that is required to have a marriage.  HOWEVER........ The wedding industry wants you to believe it's a CELEBRATION to celebrate ME!  ME! MEEEEEE!  The wedding industry is wrong.  The wedding industry is out to get your money.  

    The Wedding is The Event.  It's the equivalent of walking across the stage to receive your diploma.  The party afterwards is a Thank You to the guests for attending.  It can be as simple as your parents taking you and grandma to Olive Garden after your graduation ceremony; or you and your new husband taking your witnesses to the local taco place after your wedding.  "Thanks for coming to my graduation ceremony, grandma, here's some fettucini; thanks for being our witnesses on our marriage certificate, friends, here's some tacos."

    Anything else is a party.  It's fine to have a party, but it's not a wedding reception.  The root of the word Reception is Receive, as in to receive your guests after the event.  Go ahead and have a party, but just know it's not your wedding reception.  It just isn't.  You can't change the definition of words just because you disagree with them.  That's not how language works.
  • May5Bride2016May5Bride2016 member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited March 2016
    I never called it a reception, I called it a celebration or a party. Just as I would celebrate anyone getting that diploma or degree. Semantics anyway...

    A "reception" is to receive guests: I can receive guests 1 hour after we're married or a week later. No where in the definition does it say "after an event as thank you" Your words - can't change the definition! The only thing it will not be is a 'thank you for coming to our ceremony".  It will be a celebration of our good news. 

    Simple Definition of reception

    • : the kind of welcome that someone or something is given

    • : a social gathering to celebrate something or to welcome someone

    • : the act or process of receiving, welcoming, or accepting something or someone

  • Well, I would never feel as though it's a 'consolation prize' as you all like to refer to it as.  I seriously doubt anyone else would feel that way either. We're including them in the only portion we plan to include anyone.

    The party would not be celebrating ourselves, it's join us in celebrating the good news. Like you would for a promotion or other good news.

    Also, like I mentioned, it's actually my best friend hosting the party - we're just helping plan and some of the financial stuff. I don't want her spending all this money on us. Though, knowing her, she probably will....

    I also disagree that the reception is only a thank you & not a celebration. Sure part is a thank you - here, have a nice meal....that being said...Why the first dance? Why the cake cutting, why the garter toss, why do they pick the song list- that's a thanks? No, it's a celebration for the bride and groom, that they're hosting. Simple.
    The reason it's a consolation prize is you're saying, "Come celebrate our wedding!!!... that you're not actually invited to."

    Regardless of semantics, celebrating your marriage = celebrating you. But as long as you're not pretending to be a bride/groom and not trying to make this into a wedding reception, it is okay.

    You do not need to be so defensive. We are telling you how people might feel or have felt regarding these sorts of events because the people you are closest to are almost certainly not going to tell you if it hurts their feelings because they won't want to hurt yours.
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'm actually more bothered by the post that implied we could go off and have $40k weddings or have a DW.

    Guess what.
    For me and DH to spend a few days on random Caribbean island would be anywhere between two and three thousand dollars after plane tickets and all inclusive resort fees are factored in. Let's go with $2k per couple. 
    You have your super special beach wedding at a cost of, oh, $10k or less for you as the marrying couple, presuming you have a proper reception and don't count one all-inclusive meal as your reception. You invite 50 couples, anticipating maybe 20 may attend.
    $10k for you plus (20*2k) = $50k spent on your wedding (or your symbolic recital of vows if you're not doing it right). 

    A DW means passing costs off on your guests. Do not ever pretend a DW is a money-saving concept. 
    ________________________________


    YogaSandyspockforprezAddieCake
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'd just like to point out that engagement parties should not be hosted by the couple themselves, as that is rude.  Everyone invited to an engagement party should also be invited to the wedding itself.  That is the same rule that applies to all wedding related events.  So if you have an engagement party, and then a private DW, that is rude.  


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    artbyallieYogaSandy
  • @thisismynickname You obviously didn't read-I don't want guests at my DW. We are more private and prefer our vows that way. We opted to not spend 40k on a wedding and just go away to get married privately-ourselves. We aren't doing it to save money anyway-I just don't like the idea of a big large wedding. It's not what we want. We don't want people gawking, taking photos etc-we are much more comfortable doing it private and then celebrating at a party after where it's more of a social event-something we are very comfortable with. 

    Shoe on the other foot. I would never try to understand why someone would do their wedding this way-they have reasons. I would just be happy for them & be thrilled to enjoy their celebrations. I've been to two symbolic (call it wrong if you want - it's wrong in YOUR opinion) and one wedding that was intimate and then a larger party after. Who cares-I enjoyed each celebration!

    Anyway, every wedding is celebrating "you" the couple! Lol if it's the same day or a week later. Traditional or DW with AHR, it's a celebration! We won't make ours into your traditional reception because like I mentioned, we don't want all that attention. I don't see a problem Doing a first dance or cake etc either for other couples- and would not be offended if I was at an event where it was done this way. 

    I dont mean to be defensive - but it feels like it's black and white. Saying you can't call it a reception or do cake etc - it IS actually a reception...and who cares about cake. It's like some of the posters are the rule makers. 

    I actually did a Facebook post to ask what their ideal wedding would be if they were to be married or going to have a do over. I wanted to get what the feel on the subject was without my influence or feelings. Most people responded with "go away and have something intimate and have a kick ass party at home" .. It's just a more common thing now. At least here-maybe its my geographic location compared to you all, or age group? I don't know...
  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I'm actually more bothered by the post that implied we could go off and have $40k weddings or have a DW.

    Guess what.
    For me and DH to spend a few days on random Caribbean island would be anywhere between two and three thousand dollars after plane tickets and all inclusive resort fees are factored in. Let's go with $2k per couple. 
    You have your super special beach wedding at a cost of, oh, $10k or less for you as the marrying couple, presuming you have a proper reception and don't count one all-inclusive meal as your reception. You invite 50 couples, anticipating maybe 20 may attend.
    $10k for you plus (20*2k) = $50k spent on your wedding (or your symbolic recital of vows if you're not doing it right). 

    A DW means passing costs off on your guests. Do not ever pretend a DW is a money-saving concept. 


    This. DWs can be less expensive, but often times are not. I spent ~$30K for my two person elopement (~$20K of which was travel, so maybe it doesn't count). I could have dumped a whole lot more money into it, but I went simple with my dress, accessories, décor, etc. If I had invited people , forget about it! However, I would have paid for my guests as we chose a very remote destination.


     







  • May5Bride2016May5Bride2016 member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited March 2016
    levioosa said:
    I'd just like to point out that engagement parties should not be hosted by the couple themselves, as that is rude.  Everyone invited to an engagement party should also be invited to the wedding itself.  That is the same rule that applies to all wedding related events.  So if you have an engagement party, and then a private DW, that is rude.  
    That was just a point I was trying to make. People celebrate-that is all. We didn't have an engagement party-but thank you etiquette police ;-)
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    levioosa said:
    I'd just like to point out that engagement parties should not be hosted by the couple themselves, as that is rude.  Everyone invited to an engagement party should also be invited to the wedding itself.  That is the same rule that applies to all wedding related events.  So if you have an engagement party, and then a private DW, that is rude.  
    That was just a point I was trying to make. People celebrate-that is all. We didn't have one-but thank you etiquette police ;-)
    Etiquette is about treating people well. And if you're going to make a point, you should make the effort of at least making an accurate one.  


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    [Deleted User]Heffalump
  • levioosa said:
    I'd just like to point out that engagement parties should not be hosted by the couple themselves, as that is rude.  Everyone invited to an engagement party should also be invited to the wedding itself.  That is the same rule that applies to all wedding related events.  So if you have an engagement party, and then a private DW, that is rude.  
    But that does bring me to a question...so someone hosts an engagement party for us...invites a group of people. Now I'm obligated to invite them all or it's rude, when I wasn't the one to extend the first invite?! Who make these rules?! Lol
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    @May5Bride2016 
    Even if you are having a private DW and not having guests, to imply that a DW in general was a money-saving alternative to a $40k bash is what gets under my skin. It is not uncommon for people to think that a DW saves money. It certainly would be less money for me to get married on an island than have a wedding in Chicago where the costs are quite higher than average. 

    Maybe people in your age group (whatever that is, if you mentioned it, I don't remember) are wanting a private wedding because they don't want to deal with the ridiculous Industry Mindset that permeates our planning. That's why these boards exist- to help couples realize that they can host great weddings within their budgets without freaking out about everything TLC and Pinterest imply "has" to be done.

    I would have eloped. DH didn't want to. Thanks to these boards, I had an etiquette approved small-ish (70) wedding, of which people still talk about the great food and how much fun it was. I'm so glad I did that rather than elope and have a kick-ass party later. The wedding WAS the kick-ass party. It can be done!  
    ________________________________


    [Deleted User]
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    levioosa said:
    I'd just like to point out that engagement parties should not be hosted by the couple themselves, as that is rude.  Everyone invited to an engagement party should also be invited to the wedding itself.  That is the same rule that applies to all wedding related events.  So if you have an engagement party, and then a private DW, that is rude.  
    But that does bring me to a question...so someone hosts an engagement party for us...invites a group of people. Now I'm obligated to invite them all or it's rude, when I wasn't the one to extend the first invite?! Who make these rules?! Lol
    It's simple.  You decline the party.  The rules are there to host people well.  It's not about being "stuffy and traditional."  


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    [Deleted User]
  • levioosa said:
    levioosa said:
    I'd just like to point out that engagement parties should not be hosted by the couple themselves, as that is rude.  Everyone invited to an engagement party should also be invited to the wedding itself.  That is the same rule that applies to all wedding related events.  So if you have an engagement party, and then a private DW, that is rude.  
    But that does bring me to a question...so someone hosts an engagement party for us...invites a group of people. Now I'm obligated to invite them all or it's rude, when I wasn't the one to extend the first invite?! Who make these rules?! Lol
    It's simple.  You decline the party.  The rules are there to host people well.  It's not about being "stuffy and traditional."  
    Aren't they a surprise sometimes?

  • @May5Bride2016 
    Even if you are having a private DW and not having guests, to imply that a DW in general was a money-saving alternative to a $40k bash is what gets under my skin. It is not uncommon for people to think that a DW saves money. It certainly would be less money for me to get married on an island than have a wedding in Chicago where the costs are quite higher than average. 

    Maybe people in your age group (whatever that is, if you mentioned it, I don't remember) are wanting a private wedding because they don't want to deal with the ridiculous Industry Mindset that permeates our planning. That's why these boards exist- to help couples realize that they can host great weddings within their budgets without freaking out about everything TLC and Pinterest imply "has" to be done.

    I would have eloped. DH didn't want to. Thanks to these boards, I had an etiquette approved small-ish (70) wedding, of which people still talk about the great food and how much fun it was. I'm so glad I did that rather than elope and have a kick-ass party later. The wedding WAS the kick-ass party. It can be done!  
    @May5Bride2016 
    Even if you are having a private DW and not having guests, to imply that a DW in general was a money-saving alternative to a $40k bash is what gets under my skin. It is not uncommon for people to think that a DW saves money. It certainly would be less money for me to get married on an island than have a wedding in Chicago where the costs are quite higher than average. 

    Maybe people in your age group (whatever that is, if you mentioned it, I don't remember) are wanting a private wedding because they don't want to deal with the ridiculous Industry Mindset that permeates our planning. That's why these boards exist- to help couples realize that they can host great weddings within their budgets without freaking out about everything TLC and Pinterest imply "has" to be done.

    I would have eloped. DH didn't want to. Thanks to these boards, I had an etiquette approved small-ish (70) wedding, of which people still talk about the great food and how much fun it was. I'm so glad I did that rather than elope and have a kick-ass party later. The wedding WAS the kick-ass party. It can be done!  
    Of course it can be done! We just don't want to do it. Lol I have no problems with the traditional plan either-it's just not what we want to do. I did do it for my first wedding and the day was a blur and expensive. I know wecould plan something less expensive as well, we don't want to. Either way - OUR decision was not for financial purposes-we are still spending a lot between the DW & AHR. This style just suits us best. 
    For wallet purposes-eloping CAN be much cheaper for some. If that is going away to do it or just going to your local courthouse.
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    levioosa said:
    levioosa said:
    I'd just like to point out that engagement parties should not be hosted by the couple themselves, as that is rude.  Everyone invited to an engagement party should also be invited to the wedding itself.  That is the same rule that applies to all wedding related events.  So if you have an engagement party, and then a private DW, that is rude.  
    But that does bring me to a question...so someone hosts an engagement party for us...invites a group of people. Now I'm obligated to invite them all or it's rude, when I wasn't the one to extend the first invite?! Who make these rules?! Lol
    It's simple.  You decline the party.  The rules are there to host people well.  It's not about being "stuffy and traditional."  
    Aren't they a surprise sometimes?
    Yes, and that is when the situation becomes much trickier. But as far as planned engagement parties go, everyone invited also needs to be invited to the wedding itself.  


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    [Deleted User]
  • May5Bride2016May5Bride2016 member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited March 2016
    Here's an example of how my loved ones feel -one of the Facebook replies when I asked type of wedding. Several replied with DW with AHR. I asked if anyone would be offended if they were only invited to the AHR. Her reply:

    Not everyone who loves you is going to be in XXXX  you BETTER have an after party!

    They WANT to come. I just don't think the majority would feel insulted we did our ceremony private. We just have 3 others coming with us-and other than air, we paid for 97% of those 3.
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Here's an example of how my loved ones feel -one of the Facebook replies when I asked type of wedding. Several replied with DW with AHR. I asked if anyone would be offended if they were only invited to the AHR. Her reply:

    Not everyone who loves you is going to be in XXXX  you BETTER have an after party!

    They WANT to come. I just don't think the majority would feel insulted we did our ceremony private. We just have 3 others coming with us-and other than air, we paid for 97% of those 3.
    Probably no one is going to tell you to your face that your idea is rude.  And posting it on Facebook was poor form as well, since I'm assuming that your friend list on Facebook is home to more than just your nearest and dearest.  It's rude to involve people in any wedding plans if they are not invited to the wedding.  I have dear friend who is planning a wedding with more than a few faux pas.  I haven't told her to her face that her ideas are rude, because that would be equally as rude.  


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    [Deleted User]YogaSandy
  • May5Bride2016May5Bride2016 member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited March 2016
    Lol so pretty much everything is "rude" to you.

    I simply asked what their ideaL wedding plan would be if they were to get married or if they could have a do over.  I didn't ask about ours-ours is planned. She didn't know about our AHR yet because I have not mailed the invites yet-hence her post asking us to have one. 

    If if she thought it was rude I don't think she'd say anything at all-THAT is the polite thing to do. 
  • I can see both sides of this issue.  I am definitely NOT in favor of a PPD style celebration party where the wife shows up in her wedding dress, and they try to recreate a wedding reception.
    Perhaps your wording is part of the issue?  I would recommend something like this:

    The pleasure of your company is requested
    to celebrate the recent marriage of
    Bride's Full Name
    and
    Groom's Full Name
    Day, date
    time o'clock
    Venue
    Address
    City, State

    With this wording, you are not openly throwing a party to celebrate yourself.  To host a party to honor yourself is rude.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @May5Bride2016 said,  "So so like I said before-we can celebrate an engagement - but not the union UNLESS it all takes place on that same day. Gotcha. I disagree-strongly. We want our vows private and to celebrate at home. We WOULD celebrate there instead if everyone was there. Since that isn't the case-it will fall in a different day. Like always mentioned-they're two events, even in a traditional wedding. A ceremony & a celebration. We want one private and the celebration with our loved ones. Anyone who selfishly takes offense to our wishes of preferring a private ceremony would be acting childish in my opinion. You're right in that the DW will be a celebration as well, our private celebration.


    A traditional wedding is ONE event.  A traditional wedding includes a ceremony, followed immediately by the reception.
    [Deleted User]YogaSandy
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Lol so pretty much everything is "rude" to you.

    I simply asked what their ideaL wedding plan would be. I didn't ask about ours-ours is planned. She didn't know about our AHR yet because I have not mailed the invites yet-hence her post asking us to have one. 

    If if she thought it was rude I don't think she'd say anything at all-THAT is the polite thing to do. 
    You're really great at missing the point.  


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    [Deleted User]
  • I think what needs to happen is that we need to loosen up a little as we move forward in years. Things are changing and what may have been not acceptable in the past is acceptable now. 

    People ask about our wedding plans often-I discuss and many of them won't even be invited to the AHR.

    im confident that most - if not all - would be disappointed if we didn't do anything to celebrate. 
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think what needs to happen is that we need to loosen up a little as we move forward in years. Things are changing and what may have been not acceptable in the past is acceptable now. 

    People ask about our wedding plans often-I discuss and many of them won't even be invited to the AHR.

    im confident that most - if not all - would be disappointed if we didn't do anything to celebrate. 
    And you consistently fail to see how treating people well should continue on to the future. Interesting.  


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    [Deleted User]
  • Right...because I'm treating people poorly....of course! Lol 

    You're just way too closed minded to see other ways. Your way or the highway.. Obviously. 

  • levioosa said:
    Lol so pretty much everything is "rude" to you.

    I simply asked what their ideaL wedding plan would be. I didn't ask about ours-ours is planned. She didn't know about our AHR yet because I have not mailed the invites yet-hence her post asking us to have one. 

    If if she thought it was rude I don't think she'd say anything at all-THAT is the polite thing to do. 
    You're really great at missing the point.  
    levioosa said:
    Lol so pretty much everything is "rude" to you.

    I simply asked what their ideaL wedding plan would be. I didn't ask about ours-ours is planned. She didn't know about our AHR yet because I have not mailed the invites yet-hence her post asking us to have one. 

    If if she thought it was rude I don't think she'd say anything at all-THAT is the polite thing to do. 
    You're really great at missing the point.  
    You're accusing me of doing rude things that haven't even taken place, only because you want to hate the plan. 
  • I think what needs to happen is that we need to loosen up a little as we move forward in years. Things are changing and what may have been not acceptable in the past is acceptable now. 

    People ask about our wedding plans often-I discuss and many of them won't even be invited to the AHR.

    im confident that most - if not all - would be disappointed if we didn't do anything to celebrate. 
    As long as you are keeping things very generic, sharing information can be fine. I would just be careful about how much you are sharing. I've had several coworkers ask about my wedding plans and I usually share "having a small wedding and things are moving forward well". Anyone who is coming gets more information. I also know that some of the asking is just general politeness by people and they could care less about the details.
    [Deleted User]

  • CMGragain said:
    I can see both sides of this issue.  I am definitely NOT in favor of a PPD style celebration party where the wife shows up in her wedding dress, and they try to recreate a wedding reception.
    Perhaps your wording is part of the issue?  I would recommend something like this:

    The pleasure of your company is requested
    to celebrate the recent marriage of
    Bride's Full Name
    and
    Groom's Full Name
    Day, date
    time o'clock
    Venue
    Address
    City, State

    With this wording, you are not openly throwing a party to celebrate yourself.  To host a party to honor yourself is rude.
    Yessss!!! You get it. My invite wording is exactly that. 

    Our names
    Will be married on the island of xxxx on May 5th
    please join them to celebrate their recent nuptials on 
    etc etc 

    Im wearing a sundress and are just going to mingle casually with our loved ones. 
    spockforprez
  • May5Bride2016May5Bride2016 member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited March 2016
    ernursej said:
    I think what needs to happen is that we need to loosen up a little as we move forward in years. Things are changing and what may have been not acceptable in the past is acceptable now. 

    People ask about our wedding plans often-I discuss and many of them won't even be invited to the AHR.

    im confident that most - if not all - would be disappointed if we didn't do anything to celebrate. 
    As long as you are keeping things very generic, sharing information can be fine. I would just be careful about how much you are sharing. I've had several coworkers ask about my wedding plans and I usually share "having a small wedding and things are moving forward well". Anyone who is coming gets more information. I also know that some of the asking is just general politeness by people and they could care less about the details.
    Agreed! I've kept it that way for most. I do respond though and answer questions.
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Right...because I'm treating people poorly....of course! Lol 

    You're just way too closed minded to see other ways. Your way or the highway.. Obviously. 
    You're personally not doing anything rude, apart from announcing things on Facebook.  But why are you hell bent on encouraging rude behavior from others?  

    Apparently I am close minded in thinking I'd like to treat everyone well.  Oops.  Totally my bad.  


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    [Deleted User]spockforprez
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