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Signing papers, can I celebrate?

Knottie1453222636Knottie1453222636 member
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edited March 2016 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
First question I post, I have been on this site since I got engaged and I've been lurking, but this time I need help. I know the title is a mess but let me explain.

I'm getting the wedding I want June 17, it's not at church, it's at a beautiful venue, ceremony and reception are at the same location. I was born in church but my wedding is very modern and non traditional and most church members (aside from family) are not invited (for they are very orthodox and would be unhappy at my wedding and we can't afford the extra 120 guests).

Nevertheless I do feel awful at not making any of the people who have seen me grow up part of this important day. So my mother came up with a genius plan but I'm not sure if that is inappropriate. In California you pick up the wedding license up to 90 days before the wedding, sign it and the day of the ceremony the officiant validates it and you are married! (at least as far as we understand, thats how it is)

So, if a week before the wedding we have a very simple dinner for church members, the pastor reads a few scriptures (the pastor is not the officiant at our wedding nor is he ordained to do so because of legalities...), we sign the papers there and we all eat and enjoy cake as the elder ladies give us marriage advise, would that be wrong? would it make my wedding day any less real? 

I don't want a "fake" wedding on my actual day, or a "pretty day" or "renewal of vows" We will be legally married the day of the ceremony... I just want to make others feel special on MY special day :|(or the happening of it)

Please help me.

Thoughts? 
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Re: Signing papers, can I celebrate?

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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    If you want these people "to be a part of your important day" then you need to find a way to invite them to your actual wedding - the one at the courthouse.  And you would have to provide hospitality for them immediately after the ceremony. 

    But you can't entertain them on a different day and call that anything related to your wedding.
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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    Jen4948 said:
    If you want these people "to be a part of your important day" then you need to find a way to invite them to your actual wedding - the one at the courthouse.  And you would have to provide hospitality for them immediately after the ceremony. 

    But you can't entertain them on a different day and call that anything related to your wedding.
    It's not at a courthouse, it's at a venue. They're having a whole ceremony + reception and not inviting these people. 
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    Knottie1453222636Knottie1453222636 member
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    Let me make it clear that it is not a ceremony. It is important to me but obviously not to the point of sacrificing venue, food and preparations for them. Why I can't do it after? because after the honeymoon I'm leaving SoCal.
    To the person who told me about the license, Thank you! you are 100% right.
    Thanks for letting me know it's not okay ladies.  
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    STARMOON44 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    If you want these people "to be a part of your important day" then you need to find a way to invite them to your actual wedding - the one at the courthouse.  And you would have to provide hospitality for them immediately after the ceremony. 

    But you can't entertain them on a different day and call that anything related to your wedding.
    It's not at a courthouse, it's at a venue. They're having a whole ceremony + reception and not inviting these people. 
    Ok, thanks for clarifying.  But everyone is correct that to invite these people to something wedding-related but not the wedding itself would be rude.  
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    Knottie1453222636Knottie1453222636 member
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    Yes and thank you, I't is seriously what I needed, so I don't go ahead and do it. I never imagined people on the forums would be so aggressive, I just need some guidance, June is crawling in really fast and I'm stressed and confused. 
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    ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
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    Knottie1453222636 said:
    Yes and thank you, I't is seriously what I needed, so I don't go ahead and do it. I never imagined people on the forums would be so aggressive, I just need some guidance, June is crawling in really fast and I'm stressed and confused. 

    Aggressive? How?
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    ShesSoCold said:
    Knottie1453222636 said:
    Yes and thank you, I't is seriously what I needed, so I don't go ahead and do it. I never imagined people on the forums would be so aggressive, I just need some guidance, June is crawling in really fast and I'm stressed and confused. 

    Aggressive? How?
    Ditto.

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    geebee908geebee908 member
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    We had people from church say how much they'd like to see us get married and they had the opportunity to do so since it was an open church ceremony. Ultimately, I don't think any of them actually came. When it came down to it other things took priority on that Saturday and they decided to spend their time in other ways.
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    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    Knottie1453222636 said:
    Let me make it clear that it is not a ceremony. It is important to me but obviously not to the point of sacrificing venue, food and preparations for them. Why I can't do it after? because after the honeymoon I'm leaving SoCal.
    To the person who told me about the license, Thank you! you are 100% right.
    Thanks for letting me know it's not okay ladies.  
    If they were "important enough", you would've found a way to have a simple reception with them.

    And it's okay that you're not including them.  I have several friends who had smaller weddings & I wasn't invited.  I understood and wished them well.  Most people do understand that you have a budget to adhere to.

    Don't have the consolation prize dinner.  Just get married & enjoy it.





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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    Regardless of the fact that you can't do what you want to in California, I don't understand the need to sign the marriage license in front of your fellow church members.  When I married, my priest asked that we provide the license to him at the rehearsal, so that it was not forgotten the day of.  He also asked H & I to have it signed by us only.  It still did not make it a legal marriage until after our official ceremony when our priest and witnesses signed it.

    If the pre-wedding party with the lady elders of the church is a standard gathering for all members prior to a wedding.  I think it is fine to still have.  I think its one of the exception to the rules like a church shower or work shower.  Maybe during this party, the pastor could say a blessing over you two, but it should in no way depict a wedding ceremony at all.

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    poodledoodleooopoodledoodleooo member
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    Alright so I'm not in CA, but I'm pretty sure you HAVE to have a ceremony to accompany the certificate signing. Like, I remember Kristen Bell (who I'm pretty sure was in CA) describing her wedding on some TV talk show and she was all "we went in to get the certificate signed by the judge and then he made us go through a ceremony. I just thought we had to have the papers filed, but we had to have a ceremony." I wish I could find the clip. But I'm pretty sure they go hand in hand, so i'm fairly this option is just plain out.
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    lembasloverlembaslover member
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    PoodleDoodleOoo said:
    Alright so I'm not in CA, but I'm pretty sure you HAVE to have a ceremony to accompany the certificate signing. Like, I remember Kristen Bell (who I'm pretty sure was in CA) describing her wedding on some TV talk show and she was all "we went in to get the certificate signed by the judge and then he made us go through a ceremony. I just thought we had to have the papers filed, but we had to have a ceremony." I wish I could find the clip. But I'm pretty sure they go hand in hand, so i'm fairly this option is just plain out.
    We got married in NH. They made us sign the license at the clerks office before we left as it said something to the extent of we were both applying for this license with the intent to marry and I think they notarized it there. It was not official until our officiant signed it and returned it to the clerks office after the ceremony. I forget how long it was good for but if we hadn't had our ceremony in that many days then it would have been void and we wouldn't be married. 
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    poodledoodleooopoodledoodleooo member
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    @marriedhamstermomOurs was the same - we had to a little oath when we got our license, but the certificate wouldn't be considered valid without an accompanying ceremony of sorts (religious or civil). I don't think our officiant COULD sign it on the non-wedding day even if she wanted to - it wouldn't have been technically valid.
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    CMGragainCMGragain member
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    edited March 2016
    The day that you sign the papers is your wedding day.  Period.  You don't get another one.  Many states do not require any ceremony.
    I still do not understand why you want to do this on two different days.  Please explain your reasons.
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    ernursejernursej member
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    OP - PP have some great suggestions. I can really appreciate that the moment you begin the wedding planning process, people come out of the woodwork with suggestions. The Knot is great at figuring out what is right etiquette wise and what is really not a good idea. I really like @OliveOilsMom suggestion that sometimes ladies of the church will have a little party or shower and that might be the perfect time to have a blessing given. It wouldn't be close to a wedding. Please just have the one day that you were originally planning.
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    Knottie1453222636Knottie1453222636 member
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    @lc07   @charlotte989875 You are 100% correct. Thank you, it's so new to me that I wasn't exactly sure how it went but I knew, signing at the clerk's wasn't the legal marriage, but I just confirmed it trough you. 

    I'm not getting married at church, in any case its a celebration/thanksgiving. If it can't be done with sining our part, maybe the witness (like my mom who would also be at the ceremony for the officiant to validate it) anyhow my question was and I quote "would that be wrong? would it make my wedding day any less real?"

    I clearly see how it can be wrong. My mom just came with that solution to make me feel better since I do wish everyone could be involved but it's simply not possible. I thank all of you who answered kindly without asking my motives, or telling me that I should have thought about it from the begging, or reminding me that signing the papers is the wedding day (not in California). 

    would it make my wedding day any less real? I guess that depends on how I go by this, since some of you are as helpful as a white crayon.

    So long and thanks for all the fish.  
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    madamerwinmadamerwin member
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    redoryx said:
    charlotte989875 said:
    CMGragain said:
    The day that you sign the papers is your wedding day.  Period.  You don't get another one.  Many states do not require any ceremony.
    I still do not understand why you want to do this on two different days.  Please explain your reasons.
    Except isn't it when the officiant signs the papers? That's how it is in my state. The pastor had us sign at the rehearsal and he and the witness signed after the ceremony. That was what made it legal. He had us do it that way so no one forgot after the ceremony. Didn't make my wedding a PPD as we were legally wed until he signed it. 
    Actually, if we're going to get really technical, pretty sure you aren't legally and officially married until the officiant files the signed license with the state. 
    Both of the bolded are technically correct in most states... It won't be 100% recognized by the state until the officiant files it, but as long as that happens within the designated time-frame (I believe it needs to be filed within 10 days in OR), the state will recognize the day the officiant signed it as the day your wedding became valid.

    BUT - the day we signed our paper was most definitely NOT our wedding day. Like most others on here, we had to sign our papers at the clerk's office, which we did about three weeks before our wedding, and it was not valid until the officiant signed it and witnesses filled out their contact info.
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    CMGragainCMGragain member
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    edited March 2016
    If you don't care about our opinions, why did you ask?  And why didn't you provide more information?
    You get ONE wedding day.  ONE.
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