Engagement ring etiquette

Greenjinjo · March 2016

Hi all. After some advice/insight!

I am wondering if what my partner and I are doing is against etiquette /frowned upon?
We are pretty much engaged but are wanting to announce it once we buy an engagement ring (he wants to buy something shiny to make it "offical" even though I pointed out to him at the end of the day it is not the ring that defines the relationship, it's the couple...).
As of this we have been doing some research and have narrowed it down to two choices, contacted a local business and received quotes and lead times. My partner has been giving input (one of the final two was his choice, just have to make a final decision once the CAD renders are finished).

Should I be passing the buck here and staying out of the process? Or is it okay that I am involved with the purchasing of the ring and communicating with the supplier?
Nb: we live together and share a bank account so it is going to be a joint purchase so it's not like it is supposed to be a surprise.

Any insight and comments are appreciated!

wink0erin · March 2016

You can be as involved or uninvolved as you like. Congratulations!

levioosa · March 2016

Knottie1455492719 said:

Hi all. After some advice/insight!

I am wondering if what my partner and I are doing is against etiquette /frowned upon?
We are pretty much engaged but are wanting to announce it once we buy an engagement ring (he wants to buy something shiny to make it "offical" even though I pointed out to him at the end of the day it is not the ring that defines the relationship, it's the couple...).
As of this we have been doing some research and have narrowed it down to two choices, contacted a local business and received quotes and lead times. My partner has been giving input (one of the final two was his choice, just have to make a final decision once the CAD renders are finished).

Should I be passing the buck here and staying out of the process? Or is it okay that I am involved with the purchasing of the ring and communicating with the supplier?
Nb: we live together and share a bank account so it is going to be a joint purchase so it's not like it is supposed to be a surprise.

Any insight and comments are appreciated!

A ring doesn't make an engagement official, so if you are planning a wedding and picking out rings, essentially you are engaged. It is perfectly fine to be involved in the process. Plenty of couples pick out rings together, and there is nothing "against etiquette" in doing that. Etiquette at its core is about treating people well. In fact, I wish more people picked out rings together. That way both parties are happy with what gets picked.

CaseyBoBasey · March 2016

I think it's good to be involved with picking out your ring. After all, you're the one who is going to be wearing it for the rest of your life!

teddygirl9 · March 2016

I know a ton of people (myself included) that would prefer to be included in the process. At the end of the day it's just a ring, and you don't need one to get/be engaged, but I'd rather the recipient have something that THEY love, rather than something their partner thought was nice. You're the one that will be wearing it, why shouldn't you be part of the process!

eta- just to make sure, you shouldn't be going behind his back and talking to the supplier though. So if you are doing it together - good.

Greenjinjo · March 2016

Awesome, thanks guys for the quick responses. I agree - it is just a ring, NBD. I guess I just don't hear about couples going through the process together fully very often as it is often a surprise. I don't think our "proposal story" will go viral any time soon!

@teddygirl9 - my partner has been part of every step in the communication with the supplier (though his input so far hasn't really extended past "sure" and "sounds good to me" lol). And I have been making sure to fwd and cc him in everything plus talking about it in person. I did ask if he wanted to be the point of contact earlier this morning but he said he was fine with me doing it.

[Deleted User] · March 2016

My friend told her boyfriend that the ring was important to her. Their engagement story is that he woke her up one Saturday morning and told her that he wanted to buy the ring Today. So they went online and she showed him the exact ring she wanted, he put in his credit card info, and was told when the ring would arrive at the jeweler. They went together to the jeweler, but he left her in the car when he went to pick it up. He got back in the car and she just looked at him for a minute before finally saying, "Ask me the question!" So he turns to her, in their car mind you, and says, "Will you go to Outback for dinner with me tonight?" They laughed, he asked the right question, she answered, he gave her the ring, and they went to Outback to celebrate.

glasgowtolondon · March 2016

Congratulations!

I personally would have hated a surprise as I have very specific taste, and I seriously doubt FI would have wanted to pick something without me knowing how picky I can be! Glad you have something you love.

Greenjinjo · March 2016

Cheers guys! Yeah, I'm quite picky about the jewellery I wear and for something I will be wearing forever I would like to be certain that it is something I will be comfortable wearing (especially since it is more than $20!).

One of my favourite proposal stories is from my friend. Her older sister and then bf went on a romantic getaway to Italy. One evening as the sun was setting over the ancient ruins be got down on one knee, proclaimed his love for her and asked her to marry him. Excitedly she said yes then mentioned in the same breath "oh, but as soon as we get home we are changing that ring. I hate yellow gold".

kimmiinthemitten · March 2016

I essentially picked out my ring too. I have never worn a ring before my engagement ring, so I knew I wanted a rounded, pave band. Within that definition, there's very little left to choose.

Congrats! You're engaged! FI and I had a date for a year but he wanted to do the traditional down on one knee thing too, so we didn't really announce anything until after I had the ring either.

@adk19, that may be the best story ever!

Greenjinjo · March 2016

@kimmiinthemitten we decided that our anniversary that is coming up (3 years on queens birthday weekend which is first weekend of June in NZ) will be our date for the "offical" engagement. I think my partner wants to do something proposal-y but I couldn't care less either way!

holyguacamole79 · March 2016

Change your name& stick around!

justsie · March 2016

Congratulations on your engagement, PPs have covered all the other advice I would give. Stick around, I learned a lot about how to throw an amazing wedding here that my guests will love, I bet you will too.

madamerwin · March 2016

Congrats on your engagement, and like PPs I think it's great if you want to be involved in picking your ring. Change your username (too many Knottie#'s to keep straight) and stick around!

ernursej · March 2016

Congrats on your engagement. Stick around and change your name. I think you'll find the Knotties to be an awesome group of people.

Greenjinjo · March 2016

Cheers everyone. Well I'm glad to hear that my involvement isn't breaking any etiquette rules so I think we will carry on with business as usual. I have also figured out how to change my user name, which is nice. I have lurked on this board for a while now and thought it was about time I participate!

[Deleted User] · March 2016

Congrats! We were in a similar situation - engaged, but FI wanted to buy a ring and propose with it before announcing to everyone. We shopped together - I picked the setting, he went back to the store later and picked the stone. He ended up proposing on the anniversary of our first date, while we were drinking coffee and being lazy in bed. Not a surprise to me or anyone close to us, but it was absolutely perfect nonetheless.

Greenjinjo · March 2016

I love that! For the ring we worked together and decided on factors that were important to us (lab made centre stone, within a certain price range, overall look). Now we are down to two choices and we have to make a decision. I'm super excited!

holyguacamole79 · March 2016

You'll have to share pics when you get it!

Greenjinjo · March 2016

@holyguacamole79 sure will! Looking forward to June and wearing the ring!

kvruns · March 2016

I definitely wish my H had asked me about ring preferences prior to his buying one because we have very different styles. I would have been ok with picking out a couple of styles and saying something like these 3 would be great and he could choose the final product. instead it was done as a complete surprise and he picked out something I did not like at all and we later exchanged for something I did like. It would have saved some stress if we'd discussed rings before hand but in his mind it would have ruined the surprise

[Deleted User] · March 2016

Congratulations!

It's completely fine for you to be involved. Similar situation here, we decided that we wanted to get married, but wanted to wait for the ring. FI really wanted me to have input since I would be the one wearing the ring for a very long time, so we looked at rings together. I knew the budget, and in the end was there when the diamond was chosen too.

MyNameIsNot · March 2016

This is a perfect example of the difference between tradition and etiquette. I picked my own ring too, although DH chose the stone.

Congrats on your engagement!

thisismynickname2 · March 2016

Congrats!
We waited until I had the ring to be "official." We had a business-like talk about getting married, agreed that getting married would be great, and then went about ring shopping over the next few months. Ultimately I picked out stones and settings I liked at the jeweler's but sat in the car while he made the official plans and talked money with the jeweler. He got down on one knee, asked the question, and gave me the ring while we were on vacation a month later. That's when we told everyone we were engaged and started wedding planning.
Personally, I think it's easier to announce an engagement when you have the ring and only because if you don't have a ring but tell people you're engaged everyone asks where the heck the ring is. << eye roll >>

short+sassy · March 2016

Congratulations! I know a lot of women who have picked their own rings. And it sounds like you all are designing yours, which is extra exciting.

I was more excited when my b/f (now H) told me he wanted to go shopping for rings than I was when he made the "official proposal". We'd been together for 12 years at that point, I'd brought up marriage a few times, with his response always being that he wanted to marry me someday. I had resigned myself to the fact that "someday" may never come and had made my peace with that.

I'm proud to say that, after a stunned moment of silence, I was able to compose myself enough to jokingly retort, "Just don't spend too much money, I might say no"...with a big smile on my face showing my words to be an obvious lie, lol.

As it turns out, it was better we talked about it ahead of time. My mom offered her rings (my father is deceased). I had always liked them and my H was fine with whatever I wanted. So I accepted her offer, except she lives far away and we weren't going to see her until the wedding. He did "officially propose"...as in asked me the actual question "Will you marry me?"...about a month later and surprised me with a super cute cubic zirconia ring that he picked out himself.

I know, I know. We would have been just as engaged without the ring. But I loved having something to wear until our ceremony. My wedding rings are a set, with one of the rings that would normally be the engagement ring. However, my real engagement ring is that sweet one he proposed to me with.

Cheermom84 · March 2016

I picked out my own ring, FI told me I'm the one who has to wear it so I might as well pick it out. The one I liked came in a set with one for him and since he liked it as well but he pointed out it was diamonesk not a real diamond. I don't really wear a lot of jewelry and I told him I would rather spend the money on a 4 wheeler then diamonds so once he was positive that I was ok with the ring and that it wasn't a real diamond he pulled out his credit card and ordered it. Haha I was the one that said let's wait to tell people until the rings come in but I lasted almost 2 weeks before I couldn't take it anymore and he has been teasing me about it ever since. Now I feel like I'm about to die of impatience because he told me last night after we checked the shipping of the ring that it will be here today and I am not allowed to go check the mailbox until he gets home from work and its so hard when I know it's there!

Greenjinjo · March 2016

@thisismynickname I agree, I hate the whole "you need to have a ring to be engaged otherwise it isn't official" thing. In the past of people have asked when we will be getting married /engaged I usually say "well we pretty much are already.just need to go down to the courthouse and get it done I guess. Maybe this afternoon." shuts people up pretty fast and they don't like that!

MesmrEwe · March 2016

I've picked out each of my rings. DH essentially handed me a sales flyer the night we got engaged with a "I've got no clue!"... He also picked out his ring. The way we approached it is that we were the ones who would have to wear it so hence why it was important to pick it out ourselves in a budget...

Greenjinjo · March 2016

We will also be choosing our own wedding bands. Currently looking at ones with dinosaur bone and meteorite inlays!

vmj23 · March 2016

I picked out my own ring, which I got about 1-2 months after we got engaged. He proposed but was afraid to buy the "wrong" ring. I picked out the setting and he picked the stone.

ThxSugar · March 2016

FH was given his grandmother's ring to give to me with the understanding that I could use the stone and pick the setting. He had it for months, it drove me crazy, finally he thought he had enough saved up to buy a new setting. We went to the store together and I chose to keep the ring the same.

Eta: I picked out my wedding band at that time (his mom had also given him one of her rings to use so those diamonds will be in the band.) He will pick out his band eventually, I will probably go with him.

Engagement ring etiquette

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