Courthouse Marriage but still want the BIG thing

Knottie15224449 · March 2016

My husband and I recently got married at the courthouse with only our immediate family due to the fact that he is active duty military and it was decided that it was best if we do it sooner than later. We still are planning on doing a big formal ceremony and reception with ALL of our family and friends and it is currently planned for our 1st anniversary. Most of our family and friends know we got hitched and are planning something for everyone to attend. Is it appropriate to have all of the things we would have had if we would have just waited until we had the BIG ceremony (i.e. bridal shower, bridesmaids, save the dates, etc.)

JediElizabeth · March 2016

Knottie15224449 said:

My husband and I recently got married at the courthouse with only our immediate family due to the fact that he is active duty military and it was decided that it was best if we do it sooner than later. We still are planning on doing a big formal ceremony and reception with ALL of our family and friends and it is currently planned for our 1st anniversary. Most of our family and friends know we got hitched and are planning something for everyone to attend. Is it appropriate to have all of the things we would have had if we would have just waited until we had the BIG ceremony (i.e. bridal shower, bridesmaids, save the dates, etc.)

I'm not against any of that as long as you adhere to other etiquette, and you are completely up front with everyone. Call it a celebration of marriage, not a wedding, and keep anything ceremonious very brief.

However, that's an unpopular opinion here. Most people find it rude...I'd hop on over to the Etiquette board and read the PPD thread about it before deciding for yourself if I were you.

climbingsingle · March 2016

Most people here consider what you're doing rude, and will tell you that you can't have any of the traditional wedding things. Personally, all I care about is that you are honest with each and every one of your guests. Make sure everyone knows that you're already married, and please don't do a fake re-do of your ceremony. If someone lied to me and invited me to a fake re-do ceremony, I would be very angry.

Other than that, do whatever you want, as long as you're hosting everyone properly.

KatWAG · March 2016

Knottie15224449 said:

My husband and I recently got married at the courthouse with only our immediate family due to the fact that he is active duty military and it was decided that it was best if we do it sooner than later. We still are planning on doing a big formal ceremony and reception with ALL of our family and friends and it is currently planned for our 1st anniversary. Most of our family and friends know we got hitched and are planning something for everyone to attend. Is it appropriate to have all of the things we would have had if we would have just waited until we had the BIG ceremony (i.e. bridal shower, bridesmaids, save the dates, etc.)

No its not okay. You are not a bride, you are a wife.

So, sure you can have a big anniversary party with great food and dancing. But no, you don't get to have a ceremony/ reenactment because you are already married.

No bridal shower or BMs because you are not a bride. Yes you can send STDs and invites but don't label it a wedding because its not.

Getting married quickly or at a courthouse is completely fine. But actions have consequences. You choose to get married in this way and that means that you don't get some other more "traditional" parts of a wedding.

geebee908 · March 2016

Save-the-dates are fine for any party, but since you aren't a bride any longer and a wife instead by your conscious choice, you shouldn't have all the trappings of a wedding because you're already married.

No pre-wedding parties because the wedding has already taken place. There's a reason they're called pre-wedding parties. No bridal party as you and your husband are not a bride and groom. Be careful with the ceremony part of it and don't give the impression that it is anything but a vow renewal. It should be kept simple.

climbingsingle · March 2016

Also, agree with PPs. I left that out of my post. You are not a bride, so you should not be having a bridal shower. Totally rude and gift-grabby. You decided to get married at a courthouse, without any pre-wedding events.

Also, bridesmaids for what? You are a wife. You're already married.

Maggie0829 · March 2016

Just have a big ass anniversary party and leave all wedding things out of it. You are already married so please don't act like you aren't.

Jen4948 · March 2016

Knottie15224449 said:

My husband and I recently got married at the courthouse with only our immediate family due to the fact that he is active duty military and it was decided that it was best if we do it sooner than later. We still are planning on doing a big formal ceremony and reception with ALL of our family and friends and it is currently planned for our 1st anniversary. Most of our family and friends know we got hitched and are planning something for everyone to attend. Is it appropriate to have all of the things we would have had if we would have just waited until we had the BIG ceremony (i.e. bridal shower, bridesmaids, save the dates, etc.)

No, it isn't. When you made the decision to get married at the courthouse, you made the decision to forgo all these trappings.

That said, as PPs note, you can have a "celebration of marriage" party, but it is not a "wedding" or "wedding reception" as you're already married, so omit the ceremony re-enactment, showers, bridesmaids, save-the-dates, wedding gown, etc.

princessleia22 · March 2016

Like others have said, make sure people know that it isn't a wedding. It's a celebration of marriage or anniversary party. If you really feel the need, you could do a vow renewal, but a lot of people look down on a renewal so soon. Typically people do vow renewals no sooner than 5 years or after some big event/issue that causes them to need to recommit to each other. You really shouldn't have to recommit to each other so soon after the wedding.

The pre-wedding parties (bridal shower, etc) are no-no's. They are to prepare the bride, and you are no longer a bride. Doing them later just look like you are begging for gifts and money. Same with a bachelor/bachelorette party... you can't go out and celebrate your "last moments of freedom" when you are already married.

You shouldn't receive gifts at the anniversary party... no registry at that time. You could send out wedding announcements now to everyone (this also helps facilitate them all knowing you are married, so it's not a surprise later). If you do a registry now, they may still find it or send you gifts to celebrate your wedding (the one you just did).

A lot of people look down on doing all the traditional wedding stuff at a renewal or celebration party. It shouldn't be a complete redo wedding, but I think there are some things you can do. I think wearing a dress is a victimless crime, but I'd probably do something a bit understated and not go full white princess ball gown. You probably shouldn't do the cake cutting/feeding each other or spotlight first dance.

The biggest thing is to make sure all your guests know that this isn't a wedding. And you need to realize that it isn't your wedding. You chose a small wedding. That's awesome, enjoy your happy marriage now. If you start thinking of it as a celebration party, and not a wedding, it shouldn't be that hard to logically realize what elements are appropriate and which aren't.

LondonLisa · March 2016

A key here is to remember you are a wife, not a bride. And this is just a party, not a wedding. So an easy way to find the balance is to cut out anything with the word "bridal/bridal" or "wedding"
That includes:
- Bridal Shower
- Bachelorette (you are a wife now)
- Bridesmaids
- Wedding registry (you just had your wedding, therefore it is inappropriate to register for your upcoming party).

Go ahead and have a great dress, cake, champagne, a spotlight dance (not a first dance), toasts. Everyone loves a party. However, no one wants to sit through a redo ceremony. That is pretty AW, especially if it has all the trapings of a wedding ceremony. I find vow renewal ceremonies for anything shorter than 10 years side-eye worthy.

KatWAG · March 2016

LondonLisa said:

A key here is to remember you are a wife, not a bride. And this is just a party, not a wedding. So an easy way to find the balance is to cut out anything with the word "bridal/bridal" or "wedding"
That includes:
- Bridal Shower
- Bachelorette (you are a wife now)
- Bridesmaids
- Wedding registry (you just had your wedding, therefore it is inappropriate to register for your upcoming party).

Go ahead and have a great dress, cake, champagne, a spotlight dance (not a first dance), toasts. Everyone loves a party. However, no one wants to sit through a redo ceremony. That is pretty AW, especially if it has all the trapings of a wedding ceremony. I find vow renewal ceremonies for anything shorter than 10 years side-eye worthy.

YES!

Jells2dot0 · March 2016

You did not mention if you were planning on having a religious ceremony for your vow renewal. Before you do anything else, be sure that your church supports any type of larger ceremony. Since religious ceremonies in the US are legally binding, many churches frown upon re-do ceremonies. Some will allow a very small private ceremony and some will only allow the marriage to be blessed during a service.

Personally, I'm against vow renewals so soon after the wedding. We eloped 3.5 years ago and never had any type of celebration following our wedding. I absolutely do not regret it at all. We've been thrown all sorts of obstacles since the wedding (living apart due to work, sick parent, forced relocation, and two types of cancer for starters) and I would never consider redoing anything before 10 years, if even at all. However, there is nothing wrong with a party. I love myself a good slice of cake, dancing, and wine!

ETA since words fail me today

STARMOON44 · March 2016

No! As a guest, you are married. You didn't care to invite me. I do not now care to celebrate you.

levioosa · March 2016

You are already married. Ditto PPs. If you absolutely must throw a big party, it will be a "celebration of marriage," and should not have any of the trappings of a wedding (no bouquet toss, toasts, pre-wedding parties etc). Definitely no bridesmaids or bridal showers/bachelorette parties. Very tacky and gift grabby.

CMGragain · March 2016

Grow up and accept the consequences of your actions. Only children play pretend dress-up bride.

monkeysip · March 2016

LondonLisa said:

A key here is to remember you are a wife, not a bride. And this is just a party, not a wedding. So an easy way to find the balance is to cut out anything with the word "bridal/bridal" or "wedding"
That includes:
- Bridal Shower
- Bachelorette (you are a wife now)
- Bridesmaids
- Wedding registry (you just had your wedding, therefore it is inappropriate to register for your upcoming party).

Go ahead and have a great dress, cake, champagne, a spotlight dance (not a first dance), toasts. Everyone loves a party. However, no one wants to sit through a redo ceremony. That is pretty AW, especially if it has all the trapings of a wedding ceremony. I find vow renewal ceremonies for anything shorter than 10 years side-eye worthy.

QFT.

Seriously, all of this ^^

I would be fine with an anniversary party, and you can even have a cake (who doesn't like cake?) and a dance with your husband (obviously not your FIRST dance). But it shouldn't look or feel like a wedding.

[Deleted User] · March 2016

I'm with pp, because you opted to get married without the big ceremony you want, you forego many of the traditional things that come with getting married.

I know you had your reasons for getting married the way you did. But you have to except that by doing that, you don't get to have a do over for a pretty princess day to get all dressed up, the big party and all the gifts. In my opinion, if you want to celebrate with everyone, through a casual BBQ during the summer for a celebration of your wedding. Or you can save your money. Because honestly, would you rather spend $10,000+ for a party and to play dress up when you are already married, or take that money & put it towards a home or a fabulous vacation or a new car.

Garewedding · July 2016

Knottie15224449 said:

My husband and I recently got married at the courthouse with only our immediate family due to the fact that he is active duty military and it was decided that it was best if we do it sooner than later. We still are planning on doing a big formal ceremony and reception with ALL of our family and friends and it is currently planned for our 1st anniversary. Most of our family and friends know we got hitched and are planning something for everyone to attend. Is it appropriate to have all of the things we would have had if we would have just waited until we had the BIG ceremony (i.e. bridal shower, bridesmaids, save the dates, etc.)

Posting from the UK- over here, rules are really strict about where you can get officially married and who can officiate. Loads of people choose to have a low-key thing at a registry office with just parents or whatever, usually a couple of days before, and then have a second, non-legal ceremony and reception afterwards.

It's never bothered me, it's about celebrating with the couple.

Sure, a year might be a little longer than usual, but the guests that matter will be happy to attend and enjoy the wedding, and will understand why you're having it separate from the official ceremony.

CMGragain · August 2016

@Knottie 1453745414, this post hasn't been active since last March. It is considered rude to resurrect an old post like this. Please check the date before you comment on an older post.

Courthouse Marriage but still want the BIG thing

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