Awkward

laurad75 · March 2016

FI and I invited his friend and the woman he was seeing at the time (I'll call them Jack and Jill) to our upcoming wedding. We knew both Jack and Jill before they were a couple but FI is closer to Jack. Jill would not have been invited to the wedding if they were not in a relationship. When the invites when out I addressed it to them both and sent to his address.

This morning FI received a text from Jill letting us know that they have ended their relationship and asking if we still want her at the wedding. She said that the break up was amicable and there are no hard feelings.

If we were to answer her honestly the answer would be 'not really' but we obviously can't say that. I suggested FI ask Jack if he wants her there and have them decide what is best.

I'm not sure there is an answer beyond letting her know she is still welcome (assuming that is okay with Jack) but I thought it would be a good topic for discussion.

Thoughts?

AddieCake · March 2016

You invited her by name, so she should still be invited.

thisismynickname2 · March 2016

Honestly, I think you did the right thing. She was invited as Jack's SO, so Jack needs to decide if Jill is still his guest. But, considering you knew both of them since before they were a couple, I think it's also nice to say she's still welcome. She was budgeted for, after all.

This is assuming Jack doesn't, in turn, request a plus-1. Definitely an overall awkward situation.

laurad75 · March 2016

AddieCake said:

You invited her by name, so she should still be invited.

Exactly. I think I knew this was going to happen so I was sort of hoping they would split up before invites went out but here we are.

12yearswed · March 2016

Do you then have to give Jill and Jack and new plus one? Genuinely curious.

AddieCake · March 2016

12yearswed said:

Do you then have to give Jill and Jack and new plus one? Genuinely curious.

No.

laurad75 · March 2016

12yearswed said:

Do you then have to give Jill and Jack and new plus one? Genuinely curious.

We did not give out any plus ones but invited all significant others. These two do not currently have a SO so they will not get plus ones.

thisismynickname2 · March 2016

laurad75 said:

AddieCake said:

You invited her by name, so she should still be invited.

Exactly. I think I knew this was going to happen so I was sort of hoping they would split up before invites went out but here we are.

I'm actually surprised by this. She was invited by name because that's the proper thing to do, rather than inviting "Jack and Guest." She was invited by name because she's Jack's SO... and now she's not.

I actually think Jill has balls asking this. If I had broken up with my boyfriend right before a wedding for his friends, I wouldn't go. I wouldn't want to face a circle of friends wondering behind my back why I showed up, or what my relationship with Jack is.

In this situation she actually wants to come, so, ok, she was invited and budgeted for... but it still strikes me as strange that she's automatically still invited. A decent person's not going to turn her away at the door, no. But still...

AddieCake · March 2016

thisismynickname said:

laurad75 said:

AddieCake said:

You invited her by name, so she should still be invited.

Exactly. I think I knew this was going to happen so I was sort of hoping they would split up before invites went out but here we are.

I'm actually surprised by this. She was invited by name because that's the proper thing to do, rather than inviting "Jack and Guest." She was invited by name because she's Jack's SO... and now she's not.

I actually think Jill has balls asking this. If I had broken up with my boyfriend right before a wedding for his friends, I wouldn't go. I wouldn't want to face a circle of friends wondering behind my back why I showed up, or what my relationship with Jack is.

In this situation she actually wants to come, so, ok, she was invited and budgeted for... but it still strikes me as strange that she's automatically still invited. A decent person's not going to turn her away at the door, no. But still...

I think the fact that they knew Jill prior to the coupling up, it is less weird. Granted, she was only invited as SO, but she was invited nonetheless. She obviously still considers herself a friend to the bride and groom.

laurad75 · March 2016

thisismynickname said:

laurad75 said:

AddieCake said:

You invited her by name, so she should still be invited.

Exactly. I think I knew this was going to happen so I was sort of hoping they would split up before invites went out but here we are.

I'm actually surprised by this. She was invited by name because that's the proper thing to do, rather than inviting "Jack and Guest." She was invited by name because she's Jack's SO... and now she's not.

I actually think Jill has balls asking this. If I had broken up with my boyfriend right before a wedding for his friends, I wouldn't go. I wouldn't want to face a circle of friends wondering behind my back why I showed up, or what my relationship with Jack is.

In this situation she actually wants to come, so, ok, she was invited and budgeted for... but it still strikes me as strange that she's automatically still invited. A decent person's not going to turn her away at the door, no. But still...

You're right @thisismynickname, Jill totally has balls. She wants to feel like she is invited and I'm sure she wants people to think that she was invited. I would like to remain an etiquette minded good host in the way we proceed but internally I would rather she was not there and I am fairly certain Jack feels the same way (I believe he initiated the split) but doesn't want to tell her that she can't come since technically she is our friend too.

AddieCake · March 2016

But Jack doesn't get to tell her she can't come. Jack is not the host. Is it potentially awkward? Yes. Is it unusual that the SO still plans to come? Yes. But again, you knew her prior to this, so that's probably why she still feels comfortable that she is invited. If you don't want her there, then make the jerk move and tell her so.

Knottie1455576458.defunct635930777543541594 · March 2016

AddieCake said:

You invited her by name, so she should still be invited.

What?? I understand now (mostly reading from this board) that all SOs need to be invited by name, this makes sense! However, this is to be polite and acknowledge the social unit. If they're no longer a social unit, now you have to still invite the SO?

I thought the point was "if they consider themselves in a relationship, it's not up to you to determine how serious they are, you have to respect that and invite their significant other by name because they consider them significant". This "rule" is probably why a lot of people don't want to invite casual bfs and gfs or their friends, since now there's actually something at risk (this SO that I now invited now HAS to come?!). I'm sorry - I totally agree with inviting SOs but this is ridiculous

missJeanLouise · March 2016

I can kindof see Jill's side of this. She is close enough to the OP to have her phone number. She might not know she was only invited as Jack's SO. She might think, especially since OP and her FH knew her before, that they are friends. I would talk to Jack and double check it was amicable but I would still invite her. She may be on the fence and not even attend.

AddieCake · March 2016

Knottie1455576458.defunct635930777543541594 said:

AddieCake said:

You invited her by name, so she should still be invited.

What?? I understand now (mostly reading from this board) that all SOs need to be invited by name, this makes sense! However, this is to be polite and acknowledge the social unit. If they're no longer a social unit, now you have to still invite the SO?

I thought the point was "if they consider themselves in a relationship, it's not up to you to determine how serious they are, you have to respect that and invite their significant other by name because they consider them significant". This "rule" is probably why a lot of people don't want to invite casual bfs and gfs or their friends, since now there's actually something at risk (this SO that I now invited now HAS to come?!). I'm sorry - I totally agree with inviting SOs but this is ridiculous

You also don't UNinvite someone once they have been invited unless you really don't give a shit about them and don't care if you ever have anything to do with them again.

The invited doesn't HAVE to come. This particular invited would like to come. It would be rude to rescind her invitation.

It's not ridiculous. It's polite behavior.

laurad75 · March 2016

I want to be clear that we are not uninviting Jill and she will be welcome at the wedding - even though its awkward. I didn't share this situation to figure out how to handle it I just thought it would be an interesting conversation for the board.

@missJeanLouise is right that she knows FI well enough that she reached out to explain the situation and she may have thought she would have been invited anyway. If the breakup wasn't as friendly as she implied hopefully Jack will suggest to Jill that she declines.

glasgowtolondon · March 2016

Knottie1455576458.defunct635930777543541594 said:

AddieCake said:

You invited her by name, so she should still be invited.

What?? I understand now (mostly reading from this board) that all SOs need to be invited by name, this makes sense! However, this is to be polite and acknowledge the social unit. If they're no longer a social unit, now you have to still invite the SO?

I thought the point was "if they consider themselves in a relationship, it's not up to you to determine how serious they are, you have to respect that and invite their significant other by name because they consider them significant". This "rule" is probably why a lot of people don't want to invite casual bfs and gfs or their friends, since now there's actually something at risk (this SO that I now invited now HAS to come?!). I'm sorry - I totally agree with inviting SOs but this is ridiculous

This logic only works if the invites hadn't yet gone out. They had. Jill was invited by name.

In the same situation I'd feel awkward, of course, but I definitely wouldn't want to be put in a position where I was expected to be rude and deliberately uninvite someone. It sounds like an amicable split, it's not like she shagged the gardener. They are adults, if Jack is so upset about it perhaps he could pick up the phone and suggest Jill go to the bar that night instead.

Incidentally, if Jill HAD shagged the gardener would people think it was then okay to uninvite her?

short+sassy · March 2016

Got it! I'm glad you are still inviting her.

But, for purposes of discussion, I think if a couple breaks up, the SO is no longer considered invited. Though that is certainly more clear in situations where the couple doesn't have much relationship with the SO...outside of their friendship with the "main" invitee (for lack of a better phrase).

Even in this specific situation, Jill knows she was invited as Jack's SO. If she thought/assumed she would have received an invitation anyway, she would not have essentially asked if she was still invited.

laurad75 · March 2016

glasgowtolondon said:

Knottie1455576458.defunct635930777543541594 said:

AddieCake said:

You invited her by name, so she should still be invited.

What?? I understand now (mostly reading from this board) that all SOs need to be invited by name, this makes sense! However, this is to be polite and acknowledge the social unit. If they're no longer a social unit, now you have to still invite the SO?

I thought the point was "if they consider themselves in a relationship, it's not up to you to determine how serious they are, you have to respect that and invite their significant other by name because they consider them significant". This "rule" is probably why a lot of people don't want to invite casual bfs and gfs or their friends, since now there's actually something at risk (this SO that I now invited now HAS to come?!). I'm sorry - I totally agree with inviting SOs but this is ridiculous

This logic only works if the invites hadn't yet gone out. They had. Jill was invited by name.

In the same situation I'd feel awkward, of course, but I definitely wouldn't want to be put in a position where I was expected to be rude and deliberately uninvite someone. It sounds like an amicable split, it's not like she shagged the gardener. They are adults, if Jack is so upset about it perhaps he could pick up the phone and suggest Jill go to the bar that night instead.

Incidentally, if Jill HAD shagged the gardener would people think it was then okay to uninvite her?

And would I be expected to invite the gardener? Would I have to send out a new invitation suite addressed to Jill and the gardener? Who am I to assume it was a one time shagging and they are not now in a relationship? Crap, who would I seat them with?!

thisismynickname2 · March 2016

Goddamn it people, don't shag a gardener within six weeks of a wedding. It's just too complicated.

laurad75 · March 2016

thisismynickname said:

Goddamn it people, don't shag a gardener within six weeks of a wedding. It's just too complicated.

Preach.

missJeanLouise · March 2016

Stuck in a box.

I think it just depends on how the host feels about the former SO. OP of a different thread would be THRILLED to not have to invite her MOH's bf if they broke up. There would be no guilt about being rude to the guy. If you don't want to cut all ties with the ex then extend the invite. Personally, I wouldn't be eager to spend the day at the same event as my recent ex.

laurad75 · March 2016

missJeanLouise said:

Stuck in a box.

I think it just depends on how the host feels about the former SO. OP of a different thread would be THRILLED to not have to invite her MOH's bf if they broke up. There would be no guilt about being rude to the guy. If you don't want to cut all ties with the ex then extend the invite. Personally, I wouldn't be eager to spend the day at the same event as my recent ex.

True, but that OP doesn't have a relationship with that SO outside of knowing him through the MOH (from what I understood). My FI knew Jill before she dated Jack and they are friends...just not close enough that she would have received an invite.

AddieCake · March 2016

Yeah, if someone is just SO and doesn't know the bride and groom outside of that relationship, odds are he or she would never even consider asking about still being invited, nor would I worry about saying no if he or she did ask if I had no interest in a friendship. But Jill is friends with the bride and groom, not JUST Jack's SO.

Sherbie25 · March 2016

glasgowtolondon said:

Knottie1455576458.defunct635930777543541594 said:

AddieCake said:

You invited her by name, so she should still be invited.

What?? I understand now (mostly reading from this board) that all SOs need to be invited by name, this makes sense! However, this is to be polite and acknowledge the social unit. If they're no longer a social unit, now you have to still invite the SO?

I thought the point was "if they consider themselves in a relationship, it's not up to you to determine how serious they are, you have to respect that and invite their significant other by name because they consider them significant". This "rule" is probably why a lot of people don't want to invite casual bfs and gfs or their friends, since now there's actually something at risk (this SO that I now invited now HAS to come?!). I'm sorry - I totally agree with inviting SOs but this is ridiculous

This logic only works if the invites hadn't yet gone out. They had. Jill was invited by name.

In the same situation I'd feel awkward, of course, but I definitely wouldn't want to be put in a position where I was expected to be rude and deliberately uninvite someone. It sounds like an amicable split, it's not like she shagged the gardener. They are adults, if Jack is so upset about it perhaps he could pick up the phone and suggest Jill go to the bar that night instead.

Incidentally, if Jill HAD shagged the gardener would people think it was then okay to uninvite her?

Yeah baby!

Jen4948 · March 2016

thisismynickname said:

laurad75 said:

AddieCake said:

You invited her by name, so she should still be invited.

Exactly. I think I knew this was going to happen so I was sort of hoping they would split up before invites went out but here we are.

I'm actually surprised by this. She was invited by name because that's the proper thing to do, rather than inviting "Jack and Guest." She was invited by name because she's Jack's SO... and now she's not.

I actually think Jill has balls asking this. If I had broken up with my boyfriend right before a wedding for his friends, I wouldn't go. I wouldn't want to face a circle of friends wondering behind my back why I showed up, or what my relationship with Jack is.

In this situation she actually wants to come, so, ok, she was invited and budgeted for... but it still strikes me as strange that she's automatically still invited. A decent person's not going to turn her away at the door, no. But still...

I don't agree that Jill has balls asking if she's still invited. It sounds to me like she isn't clear on whether or not she's still welcome, given that she was invited as Jack's SO and they were still a couple when the invitations went out.

I would go ahead and invite her anyway.

But while it would be a nice gesture to allow both Jack and Jill to bring plus-ones for themselves, I don't think you're required to agree to any request to do so.

redwoodoriginal · March 2016

laurad75 said:

missJeanLouise said:

Stuck in a box.

I think it just depends on how the host feels about the former SO. OP of a different thread would be THRILLED to not have to invite her MOH's bf if they broke up. There would be no guilt about being rude to the guy. If you don't want to cut all ties with the ex then extend the invite. Personally, I wouldn't be eager to spend the day at the same event as my recent ex.

True, but that OP doesn't have a relationship with that SO outside of knowing him through the MOH (from what I understood). My FI knew Jill before she dated Jack and they are friends...just not close enough that she would have received an invite.

I Think this explains it all... Jill would not have received an invitation on her own if she had not been dating Jack at the time the invitations went out... so personally I don't think Jill should still be invited to the wedding on her own b/c she wouldn't have been, originally. So I agree that Jill has balls to have asked b/c deep down, I think she knows she wouldn't have been, either.

[Deleted User] · March 2016

redwoodoriginal said:

laurad75 said:

missJeanLouise said:

Stuck in a box.

I think it just depends on how the host feels about the former SO. OP of a different thread would be THRILLED to not have to invite her MOH's bf if they broke up. There would be no guilt about being rude to the guy. If you don't want to cut all ties with the ex then extend the invite. Personally, I wouldn't be eager to spend the day at the same event as my recent ex.

True, but that OP doesn't have a relationship with that SO outside of knowing him through the MOH (from what I understood). My FI knew Jill before she dated Jack and they are friends...just not close enough that she would have received an invite.

I Think this explains it all... Jill would not have received an invitation on her own if she had not been dating Jack at the time the invitations went out... so personally I don't think Jill should still be invited to the wedding on her own b/c she wouldn't have been, originally. So I agree that Jill has balls to have asked b/c deep down, I think she knows she wouldn't have been, either.

Except un-inviting someone in a friendship-ending move. She's been invited. Yes, she wouldn't have been if something had happened a few days earlier rather than a few days later, but that's beside the point. She was invited. What if you un-invite her, end the friendship, and she and Jack get back together? Then what?

CMGragain · March 2016

You say, "Of course you are still welcome to attend our wedding. I am so sorry to hear of the breakup." Then shut up and let her decide.

SP29 · March 2016

adk19 said:

redwoodoriginal said:

laurad75 said:

missJeanLouise said:

Stuck in a box.

I think it just depends on how the host feels about the former SO. OP of a different thread would be THRILLED to not have to invite her MOH's bf if they broke up. There would be no guilt about being rude to the guy. If you don't want to cut all ties with the ex then extend the invite. Personally, I wouldn't be eager to spend the day at the same event as my recent ex.

True, but that OP doesn't have a relationship with that SO outside of knowing him through the MOH (from what I understood). My FI knew Jill before she dated Jack and they are friends...just not close enough that she would have received an invite.

I Think this explains it all... Jill would not have received an invitation on her own if she had not been dating Jack at the time the invitations went out... so personally I don't think Jill should still be invited to the wedding on her own b/c she wouldn't have been, originally. So I agree that Jill has balls to have asked b/c deep down, I think she knows she wouldn't have been, either.

Except un-inviting someone in a friendship-ending move. She's been invited. Yes, she wouldn't have been if something had happened a few days earlier rather than a few days later, but that's beside the point. She was invited. What if you un-invite her, end the friendship, and she and Jack get back together? Then what?

Good point. While myself, I would say "Of course!", even if internally I was scowling, I generally did not think a broken up SO should still be invited. But now that you mention this- yes. Maintain the invitation to the SO.

levioosa · March 2016

I'm a little late, but I think this is a really big grey area, since they all knew each other prior to the relationship. I get it. I was with my ex for six years. It was really hard when we broke up, and I felt like I'd lost a lot of friends, even though they were his friends first. They still invited me places, which made it more awkward. Actually the most awkward thing was when his roommate called me up and told me they'd just received a wedding invitation at the house addressed to me and my ex. Ex made his roommate call me about it. His roommate was like, "Well, if you want to still go, your name is on the invite." Thanks, buddy, but I'll pass.

But still, I get how Jill must be feeling. The whole situation has got to suck. Maybe she wants to show that she's not avoiding Jack as well as wanting to celebrate with friends. Either way, I think OP should just roll with it since it's already in the budget.

KnickerGold · March 2016

Question, because I'm curious- Let's say a bride invited Jack and Jill, but made the etiquette mistake of addressing the invite as 'Jack and Guest' unaware of the etiquette error, fully aware of the relationship and 'acknowledging' it by giving him a 'plus one' (since IME many don't realize a plus one is only for truly single people, not for those in relationships)-- would Jill still *need* to be invited?

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