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Wedding Party
NJBride12
member
Maid of honor mayhem!
I'm experiencing a power struggle between my maid of honor and one of my other bridesmaids. The MOH has been my best friend forever, and we're really really close. She also has a very dominant personality. She's super excited to be my MOH and wants to do things her way, but she's never been in a wedding before and tends to be a bit disorganised and procrastinate.
My other bridesmaid is a professional planner and has done the MOH role quite a few times and could be really useful to her -- if she would let her help! Unfortunately, my MOH is having none of it. She made a Facebook group for the bridesmaids, but she made herself the moderator and won't even approve posts from my other bridesmaid with ideas to be contributed and ignores all of her texts and calls.
My idea was that she would be fine as MOH because she has a whole team of bridesmaids behind her, but she's floundering trying to do everything alongside an extremely demanding school and work schedule and being really stubborn about letting go of any of the control. My planner bridesmaid is nervous because they're behind on planning and not getting things done, but my MOH still won't accept help.
I had a heart to heart with my MOH begging her to be a team leader by including everyone and cooperating with others, but she's still not budging. What can I do? I don't want her to feel like I'm taking sides, but I need to reign her in.
My other bridesmaid is a professional planner and has done the MOH role quite a few times and could be really useful to her -- if she would let her help! Unfortunately, my MOH is having none of it. She made a Facebook group for the bridesmaids, but she made herself the moderator and won't even approve posts from my other bridesmaid with ideas to be contributed and ignores all of her texts and calls.
My idea was that she would be fine as MOH because she has a whole team of bridesmaids behind her, but she's floundering trying to do everything alongside an extremely demanding school and work schedule and being really stubborn about letting go of any of the control. My planner bridesmaid is nervous because they're behind on planning and not getting things done, but my MOH still won't accept help.
I had a heart to heart with my MOH begging her to be a team leader by including everyone and cooperating with others, but she's still not budging. What can I do? I don't want her to feel like I'm taking sides, but I need to reign her in.
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Re: Maid of honor mayhem!
You could stop the madness by just refusing whatever parties they night be planning. Your bridesmaids only responsibilities are to show up for your wedding and stand beside you during the ceremony. Your MOH can't get in the way of that too much.
How involved you should be really depends on how involved the MOH or the BMs are making you. In a situation like this, a heart to heart with the MOH may be best. Leave the wedding aspects out of it as much as possible and treat it as a friend being too controlling.
However if you knew this was her personality type, you may be fighting a losing battle.
I'm not invited in their bridesmaids Facebook group, so I can't say for sure what else is going on. I know they are planning a shower and a bachelorette party, and I don't want to stop them, especially because I think some things have been booked.
I'm hearing about this from my FI, who is close with both ladies and has ended up in the middle since I can't know what's going on.
What do they need to coordinate regarding the dress? Are they picking out their own dresses? Do they all need to pick one together?
I think I would very nicely address both ladies and ask them to not involve your FI, and that you'd appreciate it if they could work together on whatever they're trying to accomplish. Other than that, don't get involved.
This is tough. On one hand you should stay out of it, but on the other hand you should stop your MOH from acting as the only one who is allowed to do any planning. She clearly needs help. Since your FI is in the middle can s/he tell them to stop the madness.
FI should tell MOH "Friend, I know you want to do what's best for NJBride12, but you are taking on too much in addition to your regular life. Why not give up planning of a few things and let the other BMs help. They clearly want to help."
To the BM: "Friend, I've been talking with MOH and trying to get her to step back on a few issues and let the remaining BMs help. I hope that she listens and begins to ask for assistance."
And if I was your BM, I'd be hella pissed that my ideas about events I'm helping to pay for are going unheard. I would probably make a 2nd BM page and invite all the current ladies and make the page completely open. And have a passive-aggressive opening line of, here is an open board so all of our thoughts and feelings can be heard on various BM matters. I learned the hard way many weddings ago, that you need to speak up for yourself in terms of money and plans.
I also agree with Banana. Just because the BP is in-fighting (so to speak) doesn't mean that the bride needs to decline any pre-wedding events.
Why is the MOH in charge of picking out bm dresses? If you've told them to pick out their own dresses, then that's what they should be doing, no need to consult if you've given them guidelines. If you want a matching bridal party, then YOU, should ask each bm, privately, for her dress budget and then choose something in the lowest range. Tell your bm to wear accessories of their choice and shoes in a neutral color. You need to take charge here.
With more information about the BM dresses, my advice is to just trust them to get a dress within your parameters. If you can, provide them with paint swatches to find a dress that matches closely to it. As long as they follow the dress parameters you have given them, they will feel cohesive. It also takes one controlling aspect from your MOH away.
The last wedding I was in, my friend just gave us the parameters of a navy colored dress from DB. We all went at different times and purchased a dress. Mine was on clearance online and it cost less than $100! Woohoo! Anyway, day of the wedding, even though we all ended up with different fabrics giving various tones of navy, we all looked great! We are all smiling because we found a dress that works for us and made us feel great.
I know, it's really tricky. I don't want to be too bossy and say, "Okay, you have to pick THIS color or one of THESE dresses", but I don't want to end up with a bridal party that's completely uncoordinated either. That's why I was hoping that they would work together to find dresses that coordinate without necessarily having to choose the same thing or color.
I probably could have avoided the fiasco if I would have told my MOH to let other people help more strongly than I did and stepped in sooner. I would suggest talking to her directly and ask her to let the others plan and participate. Good luck @NJBride12, I've been there and it sucks.
Narrow the field (like someone else said, "navy" is easy - navy and coral are hard to look uncoordinated and one of those colors will look good on everyone, give them a length if you care about that) or open it completely.
etf words
I'd be so frustrated if I found a dress that I really liked but if it wasn't the right style. My friend's sister did something like this. Everyone got to pick their own DB gown but they couldn't wear the same gown. So they all had to send links to one another calling "dibs". Frankly it was bullshit.
So on the attire, I honestly think you need to either be more flexible or less flexible. As a BM, it's easier to get the "wear this dress" and be done with it vs. turn dress shopping as a BM into something that's harder than the bride finding her own. Even pick a designer and a color and say have at it. But the coordinating stuff is enough to make me want to sew a lot of taffeta pillows.
They don't NEED to get together as a group to pick out dresses.
As long as they stick within the chosen color palette and dress length, they will look coordinated, and having the same bouquets also helps to pull everyone together for a cohesive look.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Agree also with having them communicate with each other about dresses. You give them the parameters and let them shop for themselves.
OP, this is blunt and may seem harsh, but you knew your MOH has a "very dominating" personality and you asked your BMs to work together, without you, to get coordinating dresses. I could have seen this issue coming from day one and you should have too.
Why don't you offer to shop with all your bridesmaids, individually, as a group or as smaller groups so they can get what they want, what you want and your MOH doesn't have to be a "team leader" especially since you know she's not good at it?
The planner vs. the dominant procrastinator...
1) Give the bridesmaids the parameters, and let them individually run with it because then there's no question they chose a dress that they like/feel great wearing. This way your planner can get that taken care of and your procrastinator can pay the rush fee down the road.
2) Eliminate reasons for there to be conflict and point out to the dominant personality that she needs to choose some real-time not BS area to delegate to each of the other BM because if she doesn't she's going to be burnt out before the wedding.
So, yeah. Tell them to do their shopping alone and get rid of at least that pressure. Truly, wedding-appropriate dresses do not actually vary that much, so as long as they fit the color scheme you do not have to worry about cohesiveness.