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In-Law Horror Story

LuckyStarandHoneyBunnyLuckyStarandHoneyBunny member
25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
in Chit Chat
Hello all, 

This is my first post, I wish it could be a better one, a more positive question/story. I need some unbiased advice on something I would have never, in a million years, expected to happen. 

My fiance's parents (and possibly family) have decided they hate me. 

A little backstory: My fiance and I have been together for 2 years, we have been engaged for 8 months, and the wedding is in 7 months. My 28-year-old fiance's finances (mostly his savings) were being handled by his super-Christian (Baptist) parents, and they've kept a pretty tight grip on them, which doesn't bother me because we didn't ever need to touch that. We moved in together, much to his family's chagrin, in order to save up for the wedding. My parents are helping us with the DJ, the flowers, the catering, the honeymoon hotel (a week long trip in NOLA), and even pitched in for my dress. His parents offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner, which I believe is tradition so that's fine, we didn't ask them to help with anything else. 

Two weeks ago we looked over our budget closely to see if we could afford a second car, as we wanted to be prepared should anything happen to my car-which we are sharing at the moment. We decided a cash car would be good so we could avoid monthly payments. Fiance approached his parents about it, who went haywire and were angry that he asked. They accused me of feeding him words, accused him of lying as to why we decided we needed a second car, demanded to know what our finances are, etc. etc. It ended with them kicking him off of their family phone plan, then getting angry with him for switching to a different company, and finally saying they would release his savings to him. 

Yesterday, Fiance's mother stopped by our apartment to drop off his check, where she told him I was "not saved, due to being a Catholic, and therefore is not living a Christian lifestyle, and is partying and drinking at bars all the time." She also passed some extremely negative judgments against my parents, for being young, and my brother and his fiancee for having two children out of wedlock. She basically said that they wouldn't be upset if they weren't invited to the wedding, and that we should split up because if we haven't committed fornication then there's no point in us being together anyway.

Not entirely sure where she witnessed my bar-binges because I have not stepped into a bar in well over a year--we certainly don't have the time considering we wake up at 6am, sun-fri, go to work and don't get home until about 7:30-8pm. From there we eat dinner, take a mile-long walk, and then go to bed to do it all over again the next day. 

Am I crazy? Is it me? 

Has anyone else experienced anything like this before? 
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Re: In-Law Horror Story

  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2016
    This is awful. I am really sorry. Sounds to me like FMIL is the crazy one, not you!

    I was raised Baptist and I've definitely seen other peoples' families respond negatively to cohabitation, drinking, etc. but never anything quite like this. It seems like most religions do have a circle of people  who are borderline "extremist". I'm sorry you had to experience something like that. Regardless of religion, that is just a crappy way to treat people in general.

    ETF words

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  • geebee908geebee908 member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    Sounds like they're having a hard time believing that their son would ever decide to live in a way that goes against his upbringing. Newsflash for your FILs-- your children become adults and make their own decisions and they won't always be what you would have decided for them.

    Also seems like she wants to put that solely on yours and your family's shoulders for being a bad influence on him. I would try not to let it affect you too much, and live your life together united as a couple. They may come back around eventually (most likely when grandchildren enter the picture), so leave the door open for that.

    Sorry you have to go through this; stay strong.
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  • LuckyStarandHoneyBunnyLuckyStarandHoneyBunny member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited April 2016
    I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately people can be very quick to judge sometimes. I also grew up Catholic, and have experienced some prejudiced assumptions because of it too. I had a very close friend (coincidentally a Baptist) tell me my baptism as an infant did not count, so I feel where you are coming from on that. 

    My my biggest advice would be that your fiancé needs to establish some boundaries with his parents. They need to understand that you are a couple, and won't tolerate prejudice towards you or your family. It sounds to me like there were not very firm boundaries with his parents, if they were controlling his finances and paying his cell phone bill. He's an adult, they should have accepted that long ago. 
    It's kind of crazy that he would have to talk to his parents about you guys getting a car. The way you worded it made it sound like he was asking permission? His parents shouldn't be involved so deeply in your lives if they are going to be intolerant and rude towards you. Boundaries are your friend. 
    Yes, he was asking permission to take a bit from his savings for the cash car. It was also to sort of let them feel involved, because they seem to feel like we if we don't involve them in every thing about us then we don't want to be family. Or at least that's how it feels.
    You're very right though, boundaries need to be set. 
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  • LuckyStarandHoneyBunnyLuckyStarandHoneyBunny member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited April 2016
    This is awful. I am really sorry. Sounds to me like FMIL is the crazy one, not you! 

    I was raised Baptist and I've definitely seen other peoples' families respond negatively to cohabitation, drinking, etc. but never anything quite like this. It seems like most religions do have a circle that are borderline "extremist". I'm sorry you had to experience something like that. Regardless of religion, that is just a crappy way to treat people in general.

    Thank you! That gif is really on point.
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  • LuckyStarandHoneyBunnyLuckyStarandHoneyBunny member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    glasgowtolondon said:
     
    Honey, you
     well over a year--we certainly don't have the time considering we wake up at 6am, sun-fri, go to work  don't need to justify your character to anyone. So what if you went to the bar every single night of the week? That would mean sweet FA.

    Your FI is 28 and his parents still control his finances? He needs to grow up and cut the apron strings, else you are letting yourself in for a lifetime of interference from his parents. He needs to tell them to butt out and back off.
    You're right. He's changed a lot in the past two years, we had this trouble with them when we first got together, because they wanted to know about our intimate life and I had to tell them to back tf off. But it seems like they've forgotten that.
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  • scrunchythiefscrunchythief member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited April 2016

    The savings thing could be a flag.  Is it money his parents put aside for him, money he earned on his own or a mixture of the two?  Either way, he needs to get it sorted or write it off pronto.  If this is his parents' saving on his behalf or a hold over from high school, I'd be less worried than if as an adult he gave them that much control over his finances.

    When I met DH, at 18, he had a combined account of his personal savings and money his parents saved for his college.  It caused problems down the road when he tried do to do things they didn't approve of, like have me sleep over on the couch in an apartment DH was paying for during college.

    This caused a lot of problems and a separation at one point.  If it wasn't for us building a life together, I don't think he would've cared about it.  But he quickly got a separate bank account to put his pay into, and we planned to write off his savings if necessary so we could live our own life.  

    In our case, they became much more accepting of me after we got married (and DD doesn't hurt that either).  But if he hadn't had my back and become independent, I wouldn't have married him.

    With the Catholic thing....I've actually seen this a lot.  I'm Catholic and one of my best friends grew up Baptist.  She brought me and lots of her friends to her youth group, and the leaders were sometimes really (subtly) weird about me.  Atheist, Jewish, any other Christian denomination: those were all totally cool.  But Catholic was just a line too far I guess.

    ETF: typo   
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  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2016
    @kimmiinthemitten girl you nailed it!

    Edited because my gif disappeared




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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited April 2016
    thefanciestbeckler said:
    @kimmiinthemitten girl you nailed it!

    SITB

    Thanks!  I wish it was because I am just really smart and not because FMIL has given me 3.5 years of experience.  And heartbreak.

    ETA - another missed word.  I need sleep LOL.
    image
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  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    No, you are not the crazy one here!

    I agree, your FI needs to cut the cord and become 100% responsible for his own choices, finances, and well, life. Either he needs to get that money off his parents now into his own account, or forget it was ever his. The only person he needs to discuss his life choices with, is you.

    FI also needs to be the one to deal with his parents- blood talks to blood. He needs to stand up for you- you do not owe anyone an explanation about anything, but when his mother is degrading you, he needs to step up to say, "Luckystar is my future wife and we are building our lives together- if you cannot treat her respectfully, you will not be allowed to be a part of our lives".

    Yes, his parents will stir up even more of a ruckus, but you and FI need to stand strong. Either they'll simmer down and become accepting realize FI IS an adult and in control of his own life, or unfortunately they will remove themselves for your lives due to their own inability to accommodate. 
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  • MobKazMobKaz member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    LuckyStarandHoneyBunny said:
    Hello all, 

    This is my first post, I wish it could be a better one, a more positive question/story. I need some unbiased advice on something I would have never, in a million years, expected to happen. 

    My fiance's parents (and possibly family) have decided they hate me. 

    A little backstory: My fiance and I have been together for 2 years, we have been engaged for 8 months, and the wedding is in 7 months. My 28-year-old fiance's finances (mostly his savings) were being handled by his super-Christian (Baptist) parents, and they've kept a pretty tight grip on them, which doesn't bother me because we didn't ever need to touch that. We moved in together, much to his family's chagrin, in order to save up for the wedding. My parents are helping us with the DJ, the flowers, the catering, the honeymoon hotel (a week long trip in NOLA), and even pitched in for my dress. His parents offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner, which I believe is tradition so that's fine, we didn't ask them to help with anything else. 
    FI needs to take control of ALL finances, ASAP.  If your inlaws are hosting your rehearsal dinner, then you have to be willing to accept it on THEIR terms.  They may dictate the food, beverage, location, and time.  If, for example, they choose to not include SO's of the wedding party, for example, you need to be prepared to take over planning and payment of this dinner.  Your FI should be prepared to discuss this with them within the next few months.
    Two weeks ago we looked over our budget closely to see if we could afford a second car, as we wanted to be prepared should anything happen to my car-which we are sharing at the moment. We decided a cash car would be good so we could avoid monthly payments. Fiance approached his parents about it, who went haywire and were angry that he asked. They accused me of feeding him words, accused him of lying as to why we decided we needed a second car, demanded to know what our finances are, etc. etc. It ended with them kicking him off of their family phone plan, then getting angry with him for switching to a different company, and finally saying they would release his savings to him. 
    As soon as FI has taken complete control of his finances, make sure his parents are no longer attached, in any way, to his accounts.  It will be best if any and all future purchases be discussed between you and FI alone.  What you and FI do with your money is no one's business.

    Hopefully, if and when your future inlaws disrespect you, your FI is quick to defend you and correct them.
    Yesterday, Fiance's mother stopped by our apartment to drop off his check, where she told him I was "not saved, due to being a Catholic, and therefore is not living a Christian lifestyle, and is partying and drinking at bars all the time." She also passed some extremely negative judgments against my parents, for being young, and my brother and his fiancee for having two children out of wedlock. She basically said that they wouldn't be upset if they weren't invited to the wedding, and that we should split up because if we haven't committed fornication then there's no point in us being together anyway.
    At some point in time, a discussion regarding "stopping by" is probably in order.  FMIL coulda/shoulda simply put that check in the mail.  It should be made clear that potential visitors should call and check to determine when a time is good for a visit.  Was FI home at the time FMIL stopped by?  He should have stopped her in her tracks the minute she started spewing hurtful and hateful words about you and your family.

    Regardless of what she says, invite them to the wedding.  They can make the choice as to whether they attend.
    Not entirely sure where she witnessed my bar-binges because I have not stepped into a bar in well over a year--we certainly don't have the time considering we wake up at 6am, sun-fri, go to work and don't get home until about 7:30-8pm. From there we eat dinner, take a mile-long walk, and then go to bed to do it all over again the next day. 

    Am I crazy? Is it me?
    I would stop discussing wedding plans with them.  They are not contributing to it, so there is nothing they need to know.  If you do not have it yet, ask for the names/addresses of the guests you said they could invite.  After that, you should have little or no need to discuss the wedding further with them.

    Has anyone else experienced anything like this before? 

     
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2016
    The Baptist church does not recognize any baptisms that are not total immersion and are not given to consenting persons of age.  This includes my own Presbyterian infant baptism.  When I worked for a Baptist church (organist and choir director) I made it very clear that I was not converting.  Four years later, I was fired so that a "true believer who is one of our own" could take my position.  Not very Christian, and she wasn't very talented, either.
    Unfortunately, some people are actually taught that the Catholic church is not a Christian church.  This is just wrong.  It is hard for people who were taught this belief as children to overcome it.
    You might invite your FILS to a Catholic service, so that they can see for themselves that it is very similar to their own service.  You could also point out the similarities in the two denominations (right to life, Jesus is our savior,  communion practice, without getting into the trans substantiation issue).  It might work, might not.  You could even tell the priest so that he could be open to some non-Catholics who are there to learn.

    About the saving account issue - this is something that your FI needs to solve by cutting his parents out of his finances.  No grown man needs to ask his parents for permission to spend his own money.

    PS.  You do realize that if your are married outside that Catholic church, you will no longer be in a state of grace, and can no longer take communion at the mass?  This is not easy to fix.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    CMGragain said:
    The Baptist church does not recognize any baptisms that are not total immersion and are not given to consenting persons of age.  This includes my own Presbyterian infant baptism.  When I worked for a Baptist church (organist and choir director) I made it very clear that I was not converting.  Four years later, I was fired so that a "true believer who is one of our own" could take my position.  Not very Christian, and she wasn't very talented, either.
    Unfortunately, some people are actually taught that the Catholic church is not a Christian church.  This is just wrong.  It is hard for people who were taught this belief as children to overcome it.
    You might invite your FILS to a Catholic service, so that they can see for themselves that it is very similar to their own service.  You could also point out the similarities in the two denominations (right to life, Jesus is our savior,  communion practice, without getting into the trans substantiation issue).  It might work, might not.  You could even tell the priest so that he could be open to some non-Catholics who are there to learn.

    About the saving account issue - this is something that your FI needs to solve by cutting his parents out of his finances.  No grown man needs to ask his parents for permission to spend his own money.

    PS.  You do realize that if your are married outside that Catholic church, you will no longer be in a state of grace, and can no longer take communion at the mass?  This is not easy to fix.
    To the bolded, there is very little similarity between the Catholic service and a Baptist service. I was raised Baptist, am now Lutheran and my daughter is Catholic. There is very little difference between a Lutheran service (other than some words that are switched around) and a Catholic service because they are liturgical churches. The Baptist church doesn't follow a liturgy so in my experience, Baptist people would be totally lost in a Catholic service. I know the first time I attended a Lutheran service, my husband had to lead me through the service. In the Catholic services I've attended, there isn't even a program of worship to follow. Communion would most likely alienate the FILs because they would not be welcome to take communion in a Catholic church.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2016
    ILoveBeachMusic said:
    CMGragain said:
    The Baptist church does not recognize any baptisms that are not total immersion and are not given to consenting persons of age.  This includes my own Presbyterian infant baptism.  When I worked for a Baptist church (organist and choir director) I made it very clear that I was not converting.  Four years later, I was fired so that a "true believer who is one of our own" could take my position.  Not very Christian, and she wasn't very talented, either.
    Unfortunately, some people are actually taught that the Catholic church is not a Christian church.  This is just wrong.  It is hard for people who were taught this belief as children to overcome it.
    You might invite your FILS to a Catholic service, so that they can see for themselves that it is very similar to their own service.  You could also point out the similarities in the two denominations (right to life, Jesus is our savior,  communion practice, without getting into the trans substantiation issue).  It might work, might not.  You could even tell the priest so that he could be open to some non-Catholics who are there to learn.

    About the saving account issue - this is something that your FI needs to solve by cutting his parents out of his finances.  No grown man needs to ask his parents for permission to spend his own money.

    PS.  You do realize that if your are married outside that Catholic church, you will no longer be in a state of grace, and can no longer take communion at the mass?  This is not easy to fix.
    To the bolded, there is very little similarity between the Catholic service and a Baptist service. I was raised Baptist, am now Lutheran and my daughter is Catholic. There is very little difference between a Lutheran service (other than some words that are switched around) and a Catholic service because they are liturgical churches. The Baptist church doesn't follow a liturgy so in my experience, Baptist people would be totally lost in a Catholic service. I know the first time I attended a Lutheran service, my husband had to lead me through the service. In the Catholic services I've attended, there isn't even a program of worship to follow. Communion would most likely alienate the FILs because they would not be welcome to take communion in a Catholic church.
    Maybe it is just my ecumenical view.  I have attended so many different denominations, and took my step siblings to Catholic Mass, and I didn't find any issue.  OK, Catholics kneel at prayer.  So do Episcopalians and Lutherans.
    The basic protestant service is based on the Catholic mass.  Generally, Baptists and Presbyterians have longer sermons.  Methodists sing a lot.  The protestant services I have attended hold communion about once a month, while Catholics do it every service.
    All Christian churches have a cross on front of the sanctuary.  All Christians believes that Jesus died to redeem humankind.  All Christians, as well as Jewish and Muslim worshipers believe in the Ten Commandments.
    I do have a problem when a church adds it's own agenda to its beliefs.  My own Methodist church used to be guilty of this when, 100 years ago, they forbade dancing.  Nothing scriptural about that.  I also have a problem when a church preaches hatred of other people who do not agree with their own beliefs.  The Catholic church was guilty of this 500 years ago, but no longer.
    It wouldn't hurt to have a talk with FMIL about the similarities of the two churches.

    Poor FMIL.  She doesn't really know Jesus.  He was the conceived out of wedlock son of a teenage mother who was probably illiterate.  His first miracle was to provide wine at a wedding.  He knew how to party.  He hung out with drunkards, prostitutes, and "sinners" of all kinds.  He said "He who is without sin, cast the first stone."
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    @CMGragain I agree with @ILoveBeachMusic. It's a good idea in theory, but as someone raised in the Baptist church I can honestly say I felt lost the first time I attended a liturgical service. I've always had a deep respect for those who practiced in that way, but it was definitely foreign to me the first time around. Now that I'm older and have had more experiences with different denominations I feel much more comfortable, but that wasn't always the case. 

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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited April 2016
    CMGragain said:
    ILoveBeachMusic said:
    CMGragain said:
    The Baptist church does not recognize any baptisms that are not total immersion and are not given to consenting persons of age.  This includes my own Presbyterian infant baptism.  When I worked for a Baptist church (organist and choir director) I made it very clear that I was not converting.  Four years later, I was fired so that a "true believer who is one of our own" could take my position.  Not very Christian, and she wasn't very talented, either.
    Unfortunately, some people are actually taught that the Catholic church is not a Christian church.  This is just wrong.  It is hard for people who were taught this belief as children to overcome it.
    You might invite your FILS to a Catholic service, so that they can see for themselves that it is very similar to their own service.  You could also point out the similarities in the two denominations (right to life, Jesus is our savior,  communion practice, without getting into the trans substantiation issue).  It might work, might not.  You could even tell the priest so that he could be open to some non-Catholics who are there to learn.

    About the saving account issue - this is something that your FI needs to solve by cutting his parents out of his finances.  No grown man needs to ask his parents for permission to spend his own money.

    PS.  You do realize that if your are married outside that Catholic church, you will no longer be in a state of grace, and can no longer take communion at the mass?  This is not easy to fix.
    To the bolded, there is very little similarity between the Catholic service and a Baptist service. I was raised Baptist, am now Lutheran and my daughter is Catholic. There is very little difference between a Lutheran service (other than some words that are switched around) and a Catholic service because they are liturgical churches. The Baptist church doesn't follow a liturgy so in my experience, Baptist people would be totally lost in a Catholic service. I know the first time I attended a Lutheran service, my husband had to lead me through the service. In the Catholic services I've attended, there isn't even a program of worship to follow. Communion would most likely alienate the FILs because they would not be welcome to take communion in a Catholic church.
    Maybe it is just my ecumenical view.  I have attended so many different denominations, and took my step siblings to Catholic Mass, and I didn't find any issue.  OK, Catholics kneel at prayer.  So do Episcopalians and Lutherans.
    The basic protestant service is based on the Catholic mass.  Generally, Baptists and Presbyterians have longer sermons.  Methodists sing a lot.  The protestant services I have attended hold communion about once a month, while Catholics do it every service.
    All Christian churches have a cross on front of the sanctuary.  All Christians believes that Jesus died to redeem humankind.  All Christians, as well as Jewish and Muslim worshipers believe in the Ten Commandments.
    I do have a problem when a church adds it's own agenda to its beliefs.  My own Methodist church used to be guilty of this when, 100 years ago, they forbade dancing.  Nothing scriptural about that.  I also have a problem when a church preaches hatred of other people who do not agree with their own beliefs.  The Catholic church was guilty of this 500 years ago, but no longer.
    It wouldn't hurt to have a talk with FMIL about the similarities of the two churches.
    I agree it wouldn't hurt to have a talk, I'm just saying the two churches are very different in the worship service - not the basic beliefs. Having a conversation about the similarities in beliefs might help. A Baptist service is not based on the Catholic mass - that is why I think they would feel uncomfortable in a Catholic Mass. There is no liturgy in a Baptist service. I love the liturgy of the church and prefer it to the Baptist church I grew up attending. I grew up in a church that didn't preach hatred but I know some of the more extreme churches do. Heck some of the more conservative Lutheran churches aren't very welcoming either. I think there are segments of just about every denomination that are less welcoming than others.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2016
    I really think that ALL Christians should attend the services of some other denominations, especially in their teen years, as an educational experience.  My own kids attended Baptist, Presbyterian, Episcopal, and Catholic services on occasion.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    CMGragain said:
    I really think that ALL Christians should attend the services of some other denominations, especially in their teen years, as an educational experience.  My own kids attended Baptist, Presbyterian, Episcopal, and Catholic services on occasion.
    When my husband, our best friends and I were youth group leaders at our church that is exactly what we did. It opened up the avenue for some great conversation. We attended a Quaker church too (don't think we took the kids to an Episcopal church -almost identical to the Lutheran church service).
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  • IrishPirate60IrishPirate60 member
    Seventh Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited April 2016
    CMGragain said:


    PS.  You do realize that if your are married outside that Catholic church, you will no longer be in a state of grace, and can no longer take communion at the mass?  This is not easy to fix.
    Pope Francis would have an issue with your PS. Maybe rethink what you lead with.
    https://instagram.com/p/BD_NQXVCJgn/embed/

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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2016
    IrishPirate60 said:
    CMGragain said:
    The Baptist church does not recognize any baptisms that are not total immersion and are not given to consenting persons of age.  This includes my own Presbyterian infant baptism.  When I worked for a Baptist church (organist and choir director) I made it very clear that I was not converting.  Four years later, I was fired so that a "true believer who is one of our own" could take my position.  Not very Christian, and she wasn't very talented, either.
    Unfortunately, some people are actually taught that the Catholic church is not a Christian church.  This is just wrong.  It is hard for people who were taught this belief as children to overcome it.
    You might invite your FILS to a Catholic service, so that they can see for themselves that it is very similar to their own service.  You could also point out the similarities in the two denominations (right to life, Jesus is our savior,  communion practice, without getting into the trans substantiation issue).  It might work, might not.  You could even tell the priest so that he could be open to some non-Catholics who are there to learn.

    About the saving account issue - this is something that your FI needs to solve by cutting his parents out of his finances.  No grown man needs to ask his parents for permission to spend his own money.

    PS.  You do realize that if your are married outside that Catholic church, you will no longer be in a state of grace, and can no longer take communion at the mass?  This is not easy to fix.
    Pope Francis would have an issue with your PS. Maybe rethink what you lead with.
    https://instagram.com/p/BD_NQXVCJgn/embed/

    I know that the current Pope is hoping to change the rules, but I haven't heard that this has happened yet.  Maybe the other Catholic Knotties can check  on this?
    I always understood that a Catholic must be married in the church with The Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.  If they are married any other way, including a civil marriage, they can no longer take communion in the mass.  The one exception is an Orthodox Church wedding.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • IrishPirate60IrishPirate60 member
    Seventh Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited April 2016
    CMG, my point is more to the attitude expressed in "The Joy of Love" that was released Friday, a summary of the two major meetings held in the last couple of years. The biggest shift? People first.
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  • pinupbride6189pinupbride6189 member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Sounds like FMIL needs to be reminded of the part of the bible that says a man will leave his parents to be with his wife.

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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited April 2016
    @CMGragain, Pope Francis is changing things up a bit. He's suggesting a merciful approach to gay, divorced and remarried, cohabiting Catholics. My understanding is that no one should be excluded from the sacraments based on their 'irregular' marriages. Priests should make decisions on a case by case basis. This is a big deal. It remains to be seen how receptive local church's will be. There is hope.
                       
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  • emmy72emmy72 member
    Third Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper

    Agree with all PP. NO you are not crazy, and you ABSOLUTELY do not need to justify your lifestyle to anyone--both here on these boards or to your FMIL. I am so sorry that your FI's parents are choosing to behave like this towards you.

    Honestly, I think for you both to have a healthy relationship, your FI is going to need to:

    1.) Have a serious talk with you, if you haven't already. How does he feel about what his mom said? What is/isn't he comfortable with moving forward? Is he just as upset as you?

    2.) Never let his parents touch his money again. I understand that everyone has a variant relationship with their parents, but as a general rule, I think 28 is too old for your parents to be monitoring your accounts--or have a son/daughter on their wireless plan, provided that they have a full-time job. Time to cut the strings and fully grow up.

    3.) Establish some serious wall-of-China boundaries. Under no circumstance should your in-laws feel as though it's OK to chide berate you about your family's lifestyle.

    Maybe one day you can have a better relationship with them, but for now, FMIL/FFIL owe you and FI a major apology. Ball's in their court. They need to understand NOW that neither you nor FI are their puppets, and more importantly, that you deserve their respect.

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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    MairePoppy said:
    @CMGragain, Pope Francis is changing things up a bit. He's suggesting a merciful approach to gay, divorced and remarried, cohabiting Catholics. My understanding is that no one should be excluded from the sacraments based on their 'irregular' marriages. Priests should make decisions on a case by case basis. This is a big deal. It remains to be seen how receptive local church's will be. There is hope.
    This sounds very hopeful.  Does this mean that we should stop cautioning Catholic couples about marrying outside the church?
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  • emmaaaemmaaa mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    I think PPs have given great advice. Your FI is 28 years old and should have total control of his finances. He should never have to explain to his mom why he uses his own money. I would also expect me SO to defend me from his family is they're making untrue and hurtful statements to you or about you.

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  • scrunchythiefscrunchythief member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    CMGragain said:
    MairePoppy said:
    @CMGragain, Pope Francis is changing things up a bit. He's suggesting a merciful approach to gay, divorced and remarried, cohabiting Catholics. My understanding is that no one should be excluded from the sacraments based on their 'irregular' marriages. Priests should make decisions on a case by case basis. This is a big deal. It remains to be seen how receptive local church's will be. There is hope.
    This sounds very hopeful.  Does this mean that we should stop cautioning Catholic couples about marrying outside the church?
    So, I haven't read the whole document yet, and since the Pope says in it to read it thoroughly and carefully, I don't have a full understanding yet.  But I think it's premature to assume anything.  From the summary I read, the doctrine isn't changing, but the approach after the fact might be.  I have very little idea in what ways though, yet.

    As with most, specific cases, my advice is the same:  here's the doctrine as well as I understand it; talk to your priest about your specific situation for guidance.

    Though the phrasing could be less blunt, if you're looking for input.  
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