Where would you fall on the outrage-o-meter?
Dear Prudence,
Last year, my husband and I went on our honeymoon and left a key to our house with my in-laws on the chance that something inside would need tending to while we were away. The whole time we were gone, I felt uneasy about them having a key and possibly looking through our personal items. Everything was fine, though, and they gave our key back when we got home. Fast-forward to our vacation last month. Remembering my feelings of unease, we decided against giving anyone a key. While we were away, my husband emailed his parents a few times and, in one of those emails, mentioned that we had forgotten to bring some plants over to their house for watering. Well, his dad told him that he had made a copy of our key while we had been away last year and could let himself in to water the plants! Prudie, I am beyond angry and feel that my trust has been irreparably damaged. Am I warranted to feel this way? How should I approach them?
—Katy Bar the Door
Re: Where would you fall on the outrage-o-meter?
2) I think it's always a good policy for a trusted someone to have a spare key to the house. Once, my mom was cooking dinner and got an emergency call from my brother's soccer coach and had to go pick him up from practice. She left the gas stove on, and if she hadn't called our neighbor and asked him to turn it off, she probably would have burned down the house. I know this is an extreme example, but it did happen.
3) In all honesty, I'd probably be a little peeved about the copy of the spare key, but I don't think it would infuriate me. People lose keys. Maybe FIL was covering his ass.
4) How does H feel about this?
5) This seems... irrational?
He changed the terms of the agreement and now made access on his terms. He may be well-intentioned but the fact is he took it upon himself to gain access to his son and DIL's home whenever he wants it. That he hasn't taken himself up on it is besides the point.
The DIL though does no approaching. Son says, "Hey Dad. Why did you do this and take a year to tell me?? I trust you but I'm not a fan of this and you should have told me long before now."
Whether or not the conversation needs to go into more than that would depend on my relationship with my ILs.
I'm in the "she needs to get over herself - the IL's don't sound that BSC on the overall scheme of BSC" level. Obviously, we don't have the full behind the scenes of "why don't you trust your IL's?"...
I'm with Banana, I think this is a violation. When the first key was returned it should have been noted then that FIL made a copy of the key to keep for himself. Maybe ILs had a good reason to make the copy and did not actually use it, but we don't know that for sure.
At our old house, MIL called H during lunch. She was adamant that H meet her BF. It was a Monday and he was off from work, I took a vacation day so we could spend the day together, since I was away for the weekend. We both told MIL no, do not come over - it's not a good time. She came anyway, I was furious and refused to see her. I left out the back door to the patio. H went out on the front porch and told her it wasn't a good time. She left and I was so pissed at the violation of her coming over when we both said no. She eventually apologized for "making me upset", but not for her actual behavior.
Fast forward and we are buying our current house. Due to house shenanigans, I could not be on the new mortgage. So my MIL offered to co-sign with H. I made it clear that she was to never have a key, even though, by name, she would be on the mortgage. This was fine with her. She still acts like she did nothing wrong that day and has now changed the story to be that she needed help with her cell. She has done some other things too, that raise some eyebrows. She's gotten better as time goes on, but she will never have a key to my house!
I have a great relationship with my in-laws and if they lived in the same state I assume we'd give them a key, but they also don't have issues with boundaries and would never show up unannounced.
Fortunately, this is one of those things she regreted later so she has a key to the house. Well, that and we have cats and like to travel.
However, it was given to her with strict warning that we would take it back if she pulled something like that again. I'd be livid if this was my ILs.
I would not be pleased. The dishonestly of not saying anything for a year would get to me.
My MIL is super mega nosy. Several years ago I booby-trapped the medicine cabinet with bottles that would fall out when opened to catch her. She lives out of state so there's no reason for her to have a key, but the idea of her (or anyone) picking through my shit creeps me out. I don't have anything to hide, I just don't like it.
H's dad and stepmom live like 5 minutes from our house. He will not let them have an emergency key or the garage code. His SM is BSC and he doesn't want her to have access to our house. My sister (about 20 minutes away) has a key and we have one hidden in the garage.
We have local friends that have a spare key for our house. We ask them to occasionally feed our small pets (the hedgehog, the gecko before she died) when we go out of town for an extended trip. (Like 5+ days.) They have the key most of the time - but we have asked for it back a few times (like when my parents visit, so they can come and go as they please) - but will give it back next time we ask them to feed the animals, and they just hang on to it. We trust them, so it's NBD to me that they have the key.
When we lived 2.5 miles from the inlaws, they had a spare key for our house, but they respected boundaries and would never come over without being invited. Once again, we trusted them, so no worries.