Kid issue among wedding party

LondonLisa · April 2016

Heffalump said:

flantastic said:

My secondary point is what Banana and others pointed out - the prevalent comment/rationale of "we thought you'd like a night away from the kids." It could be genuine and come out of naivete, or it could be just a way for people to have what they want (no kids) while pretending they're doing the parents on their guest list a favor. In that case, I'd prefer they just own their decision - "We didn't want kids at our wedding." My friends have made no such comment and therefore I consider them to be owning their decision.

Yeah, I've posted about it before, but it drives me up the wall when people say it like they're trying to do you a favor. Don't invite my kids, cool, we'll figure it out (accept/decline). Invite my kids and we'll figure it out (bring them along vs. hire a sitter). But don't not-invite them and then throw in some smarmy justification about how we "deserve a night out" or whatever. When we want a night out, we call a sitter (or my mom, if we're super lucky) and go to the churrascaria or a wine bar or see an R-rated movie. Your (general you) wedding, while presumably lovely, =/= date night. If we're blowing upwards of $100 on a sitter, we are going to eat whatever we want, wherever we want (and possibly make out in the car afterward).

I don't know why it annoys me so much, but there it is.

I agree that this excuse is completely obnoxious. I am a big believer in everyone owning their decisions. If one would like an adults only party, that is fine, but OWN it! Don't throw your wants (child-free wedding) onto other people as some rubbished misplaced charity. People who say this do it because they want to have their cake and eat it, too: they want adults-only but totally because they are soooo thoughtful and only thinking of their guests being able to relax without their children, you guyyyyzzzz!

Also up there for me on this list of children/weddings frustrations is parents who are say things like: "Susie is going to be SO disappointed she can't come to your wedding". Chances are Susie is a.) 3 and doesn't really know what a wedding is b.) doesn't care one bit and c.) needs to learn that you cannot be invited everywhere all the time and there are adult places and child places.

kahluakoala · April 2016

LondonLisa said:

Also up there for me on this list of children/weddings frustrations is parents who are say things like: "Susie is going to be SO disappointed she can't come to your wedding". Chances are Susie is a.) 3 and doesn't really know what a wedding is b.) doesn't care one bit and c.) needs to learn that you cannot be invited everywhere all the time and there are adult places and child places.

This is totally obnoxious. For me, I was a total ham growing up. All of my first cousins are anywhere from 15-25 years older than me, so I was a flower girl ~93804923432 times growing up and I loved every minute of it. I was often invited to weddings that similarly aged children weren't because of "circles" - like, I was a first cousin of the bride, but other first cousins kids weren't invited. Sometimes, though, i wasn't. I remember I actually WAS disappointed - like I wanted to go to the wedding because I was used to being the only kid and like the "kid" of honor. Learning that I wasn't going to be invited everywhere was definitely a lesson I had to learn. If my parents were to essentially ask for me to be invited, no, that's completely obnoxious.

Jen4948 · April 2016

flantastic said:

Jen4948 said:

flantastic said:

LondonLisa said:

flantastic said:

ernursej said:

Oh totally. I don't have kids so I don't really get the concept of not being able to leave your kids with a sitter. I like to think that you were you first, a partner second and a parent third. You need some time for each of your roles in order to be healthy and happy.

I do have a kid, and I agree that this is how you should be.

However - we just got invited to a friends' wedding in June, and DD (who will be 9m at the time) doesn't appear to be invited. I understand that's their prerogative, but it does make it a huge hassle for us and does make it seem a little bit like they don't really care if we can attend, or at the very least haven't thought through the implications. They picked what is essentially a destination for everyone. We have a friend who lives there and would normally be happy to babysit (which the couple wouldn't know), but she'll be OOT that weekend. In general, we'd have no problem with leaving her with a sitter, and if friend were in town probably would have planned not to bring her even if she were invited. But since the wedding on the whole is a big commitment for people, it would have been nice to have the option of bringing her or not.

So yes, we would be "happy to have a night away" in one sense, but it's probably not worth the requirement of driving a couple hours out of our way, planning out a breastmilk supply, pumping all weekend, etc., to leave her with a set of grandparents.

To the OP - even with all of that - if we decide to go, I would certainly understand if a tiny nursing infant were present. No hard feelings whatsoever over that.

edit- clarity

I get that it's a hassle, but it's important to remember it's not about you. They didn't plan it this way "because they don't really want you there" as much as you not attending is to stick it to them. And I hate to say it: whilst I'm sure your daughter is lovely, some people just don't like being around kids all the time. I have friends who love children but didn't want them at your wedding. If they want an adults only wedding and the choice is you w/ baby or no one attending, it's fair to say "we'll miss you". Hassle for you? Sure. But that's being a parent and realising your kids aren't welcome everywhere.

Theyre allowed to pick whatever destination they want. You're allowed to decline. That's the social contract. No one is allowed to be upset at this situstion. No one is entitled to bring their kids.

I am in no way upset with them or think they're doing something wrong. I thought that was pretty clear. However, it is a huge hassle for us, or we have to decline, which I don't think they realize. I am allowed to be annoyed at that. The statement, "it would have been nice to have the option" is true, apart from whether or not the couple had to offer that option. H and I will make our decision.

Maybe they do realize it, but wanted to give you and your H the right to determine for yourselves if you could go and want to go. Don't assume that they didn't realize it just because they chose to invite you anyway. Wouldn't it have been insulting if they didn't even invite you because they assumed it would be "too much of a hassle" for you and your H to attend without your kids?

While it may be a "hassle" for you to attend a wedding without your kids, that doesn't necessarily hold true for everyone else on their guest list. Each guest needs to make that decision independently of whether it's a "hassle" for anyone to attend without their kids.

I'm not sure what your point is, at least with respect to my point.

If they don't, in fact, realize it, that's fine. They don't have kids. Not everyone can put themselves in others' shoes, nor do they even have to all the time.

If they do realize it, then yes, I would rather have been invited anyway. I'm glad they invited us. I am not canvassing for "they totally should have invited your DD." They didn't have to. Logistically, that would have been easier for us. My main point was to the OP - that even those people who had to put a lot of effort into attending a wedding without a slightly older child would still not be offended by the presence of a smaller nursing baby... i.e., she should have no fear of butthurt from her other guests. You and Lisa then decided to comment upon what you perceived to be my butthurt at my friends.

My secondary point is what Banana and others pointed out - the prevalent comment/rationale of "we thought you'd like a night away from the kids." It could be genuine and come out of naivete, or it could be just a way for people to have what they want (no kids) while pretending they're doing the parents on their guest list a favor. In that case, I'd prefer they just own their decision - "We didn't want kids at our wedding." My friends have made no such comment and therefore I consider them to be owning their decision.

Oh, I agree that everyone needs to own their decision about not wanting to invite kids.

But your earlier comments about how it's a "hassle" for you and your H to accept invitations that don't include your kids implied that you thought that the senders of those invitations don't take that into consideration when inviting you. It's certainly possible that you weren't making any such suggestion, but that's how your words came across.

I was responding to that with the post that you quoted - because it's possible that they are very much aware of how it's a hassle for you, but wanted to 1) request the honor of your presence or the pleasure of your company and hope you could attend anyway and 2) give you the right of refusal or acceptance and not to make the decision for you by not inviting you at all.

Heffalump · April 2016

KahluaKoala said:

LondonLisa said:

Also up there for me on this list of children/weddings frustrations is parents who are say things like: "Susie is going to be SO disappointed she can't come to your wedding". Chances are Susie is a.) 3 and doesn't really know what a wedding is b.) doesn't care one bit and c.) needs to learn that you cannot be invited everywhere all the time and there are adult places and child places.

This is totally obnoxious. For me, I was a total ham growing up. All of my first cousins are anywhere from 15-25 years older than me, so I was a flower girl ~93804923432 times growing up and I loved every minute of it. I was often invited to weddings that similarly aged children weren't because of "circles" - like, I was a first cousin of the bride, but other first cousins kids weren't invited. Sometimes, though, i wasn't. I remember I actually WAS disappointed - like I wanted to go to the wedding because I was used to being the only kid and like the "kid" of honor. Learning that I wasn't going to be invited everywhere was definitely a lesson I had to learn. If my parents were to essentially ask for me to be invited, no, that's completely obnoxious.

Yeah, I hate to sound like the cranky old curmudgeon here, but that is exactly a lesson people need to learn early: not everyone can be invited to every event, and that's okay. I posted on WW earlier this week about how one of my BILs is getting married again (to his 1st wife, but whatever) and my daughter asked us if she could be a flower girl. We told her they would probably choose their own daughter, and we'll just have to wait and see. At no point did I (or would I) start lobbying the couple to make her a FG. If they ask, we'll say okay, but TBH I'd rather sidestep the whole thing.

tigerlily6 · April 2016

FI has two cousins who just had babies this spring, and two of my very close friends have babies who will be under 1 by the time of our wedding. We also have a handful of other friends/relatives with kids between the ages of 2-4. While I don't have kids myself, I've volunteered at daycares and babysat in the past, and know that leaving behind little ones, even when it is much needed, can be quite a bit of hassle unto itself for parents between prepping and paying for a sitter. Nearly all our guests live a good half-day's or more drive away, and they are guests we'd really like to facilitate attending if they can, so we just decided to make it easiest by allowing all the kiddos. That being said, though, I do genuinely like kids (which is why I babysit and have volunteered for daycares), so I'm honestly pretty excited to meet all the new babies of friends and families.

If kids aren't your thing, though, or if you just want a more adult event, that's 100% fine and should be respected. As far as OP's situation, I think it's also okay to make an exception here or there for special guests who can't easily get child care. Ironically, one of my very close friends with a newborn who is coming to my wedding had a kid-free wedding a little over a year ago. Her sister, who was MOH, had a little girl at the time who was allowed to attend. Nobody that I know of at the event side-eyed this.

banana468 · April 2016

tigerlily6 said:

FI has two cousins who just had babies this spring, and two of my very close friends have babies who will be under 1 by the time of our wedding. We also have a handful of other friends/relatives with kids between the ages of 2-4. While I don't have kids myself, I've volunteered at daycares and babysat in the past, and know that leaving behind little ones, even when it is much needed, can be quite a bit of hassle unto itself for parents between prepping and paying for a sitter. Nearly all our guests live a good half-day's or more drive away, and they are guests we'd really like to facilitate attending if they can, so we just decided to make it easiest by allowing all the kiddos. That being said, though, I do genuinely like kids (which is why I babysit and have volunteered for daycares), so I'm honestly pretty excited to meet all the new babies of friends and families.

If kids aren't your thing, though, or if you just want a more adult event, that's 100% fine and should be respected. As far as OP's situation, I think it's also okay to make an exception here or there for special guests who can't easily get child care. Ironically, one of my very close friends with a newborn who is coming to my wedding had a kid-free wedding a little over a year ago. Her sister, who was MOH, had a little girl at the time who was allowed to attend. Nobody that I know of at the event side-eyed this.

I think this is a great outlook to have.

I'm also reminded of BIL who had an adult wedding that was an 8-12 hour drive from most family. They offered babysitters during the reception but no one who would have used the sitters would have met them in advance.

He didn't understand why so many family members opted to decline. Now that he's a father and has kids of his own I think he gets that there's nothing wrong with an adult event but that may increase the declines you get from invited guests who are parents. No one is "bad" for their choices but I think you may not understand them unless you've walked in the shoes of your guests.

Kid issue among wedding party

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