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Moms and Maids
Christmasbride2017
member
My mom doesn't want to help (Rant)
Let me preface this really fast with the fact that my parents are disabled, they've been that way my whole life, and though I can accept this to a point it's been no secret and even said outright to me that they use it as en excuse not to go places or do things when they just don't want to. So I'm not trying to be bratty, my feelings are just really hurt.
Two weeks ago my mom made the point to pick a convienet time to go to David's bridal with me, so I booked an appointment, for tomorrow. Our car broke down shortly after I booked and it turns out its a recall part so we don't even have to pay to get it replaced through the dealership, so that's all set for next week (thank goodness) but until then my only way to go to my dress appointment was with my mom and dad, so I thought no big deal, we'll just drive up together and meet my bridesmaid.
Last week my mom made a comment about how she basically didn't care if I didn't take her dress shopping if I didn't want her to be there. Even though before I was even engaged I said I wanted her and dad to be there. We were talking today and she said "So I talked to your dad, and we're not going to go tomorrow, he's not feeling up to it" and then she got all defense when I said I was disappointed. I've been asking her to go dress shopping for four months, So I was really happy that she was finally getting excited about our wedding and then this happens. I don't even care if we didn't go to David's bridal, but she won't even talk to me about wedding and she refuses to be in the car longer than an hour so I can't even get her to agree to go to the bridal boutique I want to go to thats two hours away.
I don't know what to do, I need to get my dress soon so I can get any of the alterations done. She doesn't seem to care now about going but I KNOW if I take anyone else she's going to hold it against me. There's just no winning.
Two weeks ago my mom made the point to pick a convienet time to go to David's bridal with me, so I booked an appointment, for tomorrow. Our car broke down shortly after I booked and it turns out its a recall part so we don't even have to pay to get it replaced through the dealership, so that's all set for next week (thank goodness) but until then my only way to go to my dress appointment was with my mom and dad, so I thought no big deal, we'll just drive up together and meet my bridesmaid.
Last week my mom made a comment about how she basically didn't care if I didn't take her dress shopping if I didn't want her to be there. Even though before I was even engaged I said I wanted her and dad to be there. We were talking today and she said "So I talked to your dad, and we're not going to go tomorrow, he's not feeling up to it" and then she got all defense when I said I was disappointed. I've been asking her to go dress shopping for four months, So I was really happy that she was finally getting excited about our wedding and then this happens. I don't even care if we didn't go to David's bridal, but she won't even talk to me about wedding and she refuses to be in the car longer than an hour so I can't even get her to agree to go to the bridal boutique I want to go to thats two hours away.
I don't know what to do, I need to get my dress soon so I can get any of the alterations done. She doesn't seem to care now about going but I KNOW if I take anyone else she's going to hold it against me. There's just no winning.
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Re: My mom doesn't want to help (Rant)
That being said, no one will be as excited about your wedding as you are - even your parents. There really is nothing you can do to change your mom's mind, and it sounds as though the more you try to convince her to be involved, the less she will want to be. It definitely is disappointing when your expectations don't match up with reality, but there isn't much you can do other than manage your own feelings.
My advice is to go dress shopping with your bridesmaid/sister/whoever else IS excited about it, and just leave your mom be. If you think she will give you a hard time for going without her, try to minimize any wedding talk; don't tell her when you are going, don't mention the dress you eventually purchase unless she specifically asks about it, and avoid wedding talk in general.
And remember, at the end of the whole experience the most important thing is that you'll be married. Don't let anyone's lack of excitement detract from that!
I know my dad probably really wasn't feeling good. So the expectation that my parents could have been a little less defensive when I all I said was that I was disappointed and I want to go next month, wasnt wrong.
But I also know when my mom doesn't want to leave the house she will use any excuse not to.
So instead of making judgments of what is or isn't unreasonable, maybe stop and put yourself in someone elses shoes.
I'm very tolerant of my parents disabilities, I don't expect them to do much of anything for me, but I do expect them to respect me and mind my feelings the way I mind theirs. Just because someone is in wheelchair doesn't give them a free pass every time they upset someone and especially if that someone is thier child. Their disability doesn't make them less of a person and I'm not going to treat them differently or have significantly different expectations than I would if they weren't in wheelchairs.
I respect them because they are my parents and I love them, but that is just it, they are my parents, I know they won't ever be as excited as I am, but I'm not going to magically not be hurt that they aren't excited at all because they're in wheelchairs. So yes, I will suck it up because I have to, but it's not wrong to be upset by that.
I know my situation isn't exactly the same as yours, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if it's not the ideal scenario where you have your mom there with you helping out through the planning process doesn't mean 1) that your mom doesn't love you, and 2) that the wedding planning process is any less meaningful, or even fun.
However, it doesn't sound like this is not new behavior for them. Therefore, you can keep letting it upset you, or realize that this is who they are and accept that they cannot be there for you in the way that you want. Dont let your happiness and excitement depend on reactions from them because from what it sounds like, they're going to let you down. Focus on the fact that you're getting married, you have someone (a bridesmaid?) who does want to be there for you. If you go dress shopping without your mother and she gets upset that's on her, not you. It sucks, but parents can't (or won't) always be there in the way you need or want them to, but how you react to them doing that is up to you.
You're right, I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes, and I was rude and judgmental.
OP - I'm sorry that this hasn't turned out the way you were hoping. I think that any time an expectation isn't met, it really hurts. It sounds like you are well aware of how things work with your parents and perhaps it is best to avoid anything wedding related with them. Alternatively, if you really want to include them, you should and just be prepared for things to go a bit sideways.
These boards are great because we all love weddings and are happy to gush right along with you during the planning. No one will ever be as excited about your wedding as you (and your FI), but Knotties are pretty darn close.
I hope that you find someone to go dress shopping with you.
Note to self: read at least twice before posting, three times if under the influence of low blood sugar and PMS.
I ended up talking to my mom later and I told her that I rescheduled for a different boutique in Portland and that I'm going with or without her, it's her choice (nicely of course). But my dad seems to be excited to go, he was trying to reminisce l on prom dress shopping for me with her. So I decided to take my maid of honor and bridesmaids if my mom chooses not to go.
I appriciate the people who reassured me and you're right, I think I just had this picture in my head of what this was going to be like and when things didn't turn out that way l shouldn't have been surprised. My family other than my mom has been really excited, my uncle is doing our engagement photos and my aunts are all offering all sorts of advice and help, so I thought it would be different with my mom since I'm her only child.
But I am beyond excited to be marrying my best friend and highschool sweet heart and that's really the end goal here.
I don't know the circumstances of your parents condition but I want to share my experience with you in case it helps. Your post sounds a lot like things I would have said 10 years ago straight down to the defensive tone.
Both of my parents were born Deaf into hearing families. Both sets of my grandparents felt guilty for "causing" the Deafness and embarrassed to have a Deaf child. They literally never taught my parents responsibility, which you don't realize is a taught behavior until you're being raised-ish by two self centered legal adults. Their behavior hurt sometimes and I resented it, primarily because they were my parents and I expected them to be more parental. Like you, I do a lot for them, and I came to resent it internally, making me bitter and defensive outwardly. I mean my mom left when I was 5 and my dad couldn't even make sure we had food at home and now I'm expected to be the interpreter, do all of the legal paperwork, make sure their apartments are following ADA etc.
I'm not sure what exactly made me change, but I did. I realized that adults are only who they were raised to be and forgave my parents for not being the best parents. I then learned to accept them for who they really are and forgive who they aren't. My mom may have never raised me, but she always loved me passionately, has a zest for life and an unforgettable smile and sense of humor. My dad did his best, even if it wasn't enough. But he's also the kindest patient in the hospital, he taught me my passion for social justice and he makes a real effort to get to know FI even with a language barrier. When I changed, our relationship changed. They opened up more and for the first time in my life were genuinely close and the relationship, while off-balance in terms of needs, isn't off balance in terms of wants. My dad even surprised me last year with a birthday cake (first time ever!).
You will never change them, but you can change you, and chances are learning to do that will improve your relationship. Who knows why your mom doesn't want to leave the house? My dad hated leaving the house for years because people refuse to engage Deaf people in conversation or view it as a chore. Either way, it doesn't matter. Questioning, judging or even secretly thinking about it didn't give him the boost of confidence he needed. Supporting his decisions, standing proudly next to him and enjoying time out did.
Not or to say they never do things that hurt me, of course they do, however those small hurts no longer trigger the pain of a lifetime of hurts like it used to.
Sorry for the novel, but j hope something I said spoke to you.
**I don't mean to psychobabble and dash. I should know better than try to respond to posts when I only have a minute. I hope my comment made sense.
It's hard to remove my perspective from this, as my dad declines lots of invitations because he feels left out in group situations. Even being aware of this, it's often times hard for me to ensure he's involved because I'm not an interpreter and as his daughter, social functions for him are for social functions for me as well. However, he should never feel pressured or forced to do something that makes him unhappy or uncomfortable, even if it's for my benefit, and I wouldn't want to guilt him to the point he makes excuses either.
Either way, I'd love to hear her clarify what she meant. I know I jumped on the defensive train, so I hope that didn't run her off.
This has only been a behavior I've noticed in the last few years (maybe 3 or 4?), when I was little her MS never stopped her she was energetic and full of life and wanted to go everywhere. "4 hour car trip to visit my grandparents? Pssh heck yeah we're going! Beach trip? Get in the car, let's go now!" So I don't know if it was going on while I was in high school (I'm only 21) or what.
But my fiance helped out around the house before we moved in just as much as I do, they joke he's like a second son. I don't know if they think we'll come over less though, probably not. Half the reason I come over is to check on them.
My parents don't have physical disabilities, but my father has PTSD (and is a recovering alcoholic) and my mother has anxiety and depression, she also refuses to take the medicine prescribed to her or see her therapist regularly. I get frustrated that she doesn't follow her doctors orders and that it affects how she treats people. It's frustrating that there are steps she could take to feel better and treat people better but she doesn't. But I have accepted that I can't get her to do those things if she doesn't want to.
I say this because when I was in college and high school I sounded a lot like you; why can't my parents do things they can to make things better for their children. Why do they chose not to? I have no idea. Your feelings are valid and important. But you're never going to change their behavior. If they want to my excuses for not doing things, even things that are really important to you, you're not going to change that. As soon as I realized I had zero control over how they acted and that as much as I wanted them to realize their impact on me and my sister I couldn't make that happen. They do the best they can with where they are at. And I no longer let their actions upset me the way that they used to.
All that to say; you can't control what they do, but you can control whether or not you let those actions control you. I have a feeling you'll be a whole lot happier if you find a way to make peace with that.
It really blows when parents set you up to believe that they'll be involved and then pull the rug out from under you at the last minute. And yes, it's especially annoying when they make phony excuses to get out of things just because they want to. I've experienced that with my own parents, and it was really hurtful.
Unfortunately, your parents, especially your mom, have a habit of doing that, and your getting engaged isn't going to do a thing to make that stop.
As the PP indicates, there's nothing you can do about their attitude. What you can do is adjust your own expectations. See if someone will go shopping with you who will be as enthusiastic and involved as you would have liked your mother to be. And make the rest of your wedding plans without asking them for input.
It definitely sucks that she can't give you the experience you were expecting, but I'm willing to bet she is far more aware of that than you are and feels even worse. I mean, imagine having a 21 year old daughter who is about to get married and full of love and energy and yourself being filled with a crippling, progressive disease. I'd imagine the guilt trip you feel like you receive is really just her projecting her guilt onto you.
Can you find creative ways to include her; FaceTime her from appointments she can't make, SnapChat photos immediately, maybe even just a small note of appreciation for everything she's done to lead you here in this point in your life.