My mom doesn't want to help (Rant)

Christmasbride2017 · April 2016

Let me preface this really fast with the fact that my parents are disabled, they've been that way my whole life, and though I can accept this to a point it's been no secret and even said outright to me that they use it as en excuse not to go places or do things when they just don't want to. So I'm not trying to be bratty, my feelings are just really hurt.

Two weeks ago my mom made the point to pick a convienet time to go to David's bridal with me, so I booked an appointment, for tomorrow. Our car broke down shortly after I booked and it turns out its a recall part so we don't even have to pay to get it replaced through the dealership, so that's all set for next week (thank goodness) but until then my only way to go to my dress appointment was with my mom and dad, so I thought no big deal, we'll just drive up together and meet my bridesmaid.

Last week my mom made a comment about how she basically didn't care if I didn't take her dress shopping if I didn't want her to be there. Even though before I was even engaged I said I wanted her and dad to be there. We were talking today and she said "So I talked to your dad, and we're not going to go tomorrow, he's not feeling up to it" and then she got all defense when I said I was disappointed. I've been asking her to go dress shopping for four months, So I was really happy that she was finally getting excited about our wedding and then this happens. I don't even care if we didn't go to David's bridal, but she won't even talk to me about wedding and she refuses to be in the car longer than an hour so I can't even get her to agree to go to the bridal boutique I want to go to thats two hours away.

I don't know what to do, I need to get my dress soon so I can get any of the alterations done. She doesn't seem to care now about going but I KNOW if I take anyone else she's going to hold it against me. There's just no winning.

Sherbie25 · April 2016

Knottie1451173642 said:

Let me preface this really fast with the fact that my parents are disabled, they've been that way my whole life, and though I can accept this to a point it's been no secret and even said outright to me that they use it as en excuse not to go places or do things when they just don't want to. So I'm not trying to be bratty, my feelings are just really hurt.

Two weeks ago my mom made the point to pick a convienet time to go to David's bridal with me, so I booked an appointment, for tomorrow. Our car broke down shortly after I booked and it turns out its a recall part so we don't even have to pay to get it replaced through the dealership, so that's all set for next week (thank goodness) but until then my only way to go to my dress appointment was with my mom and dad, so I thought no big deal, we'll just drive up together and meet my bridesmaid.

Last week my mom made a comment about how she basically didn't care if I didn't take her dress shopping if I didn't want her to be there. Even though before I was even engaged I said I wanted her and dad to be there. We were talking today and she said "So I talked to your dad, and we're not going to go tomorrow, he's not feeling up to it" and then she got all defense when I said I was disappointed. I've been asking her to go dress shopping for four months, So I was really happy that she was finally getting excited about our wedding and then this happens. I don't even care if we didn't go to David's bridal, but she won't even talk to me about wedding and she refuses to be in the car longer than an hour so I can't even get her to agree to go to the bridal boutique I want to go to thats two hours away.

I don't know what to do, I need to get my dress soon so I can get any of the alterations done. She doesn't seem to care now about going but I KNOW if I take anyone else she's going to hold it against me. There's just no winning.

OurWildKingdom · April 2016

Dust yourself off, put your big girl panties on, apologize to your mother, and find someone who is able to go shopping with you. And stop putting unreasonable expectations on your parents.

glasgowtolondon · April 2016

From what you have posted it seems like this is not new behaviour from your parents. While it sucks that they are not more excited to go dress shopping with you, perhaps it isn't totally unexpected? Parents aren't always great people, no matter how much we'd like them to be. I know this has upset you, but you can't control how they will behave so you'd be better off lowering your expectations of how they will approach your wedding. Focus on what matters - you are marrying your partner. Shopping for a dress is nothing compared to that.

madamerwin · April 2016

I'm sorry you are feeling disappointed, and I understand being bummed that she agreed to go with you but then did a complete 180 a few days later. That does suck.

That being said, no one will be as excited about your wedding as you are - even your parents. There really is nothing you can do to change your mom's mind, and it sounds as though the more you try to convince her to be involved, the less she will want to be. It definitely is disappointing when your expectations don't match up with reality, but there isn't much you can do other than manage your own feelings.

My advice is to go dress shopping with your bridesmaid/sister/whoever else IS excited about it, and just leave your mom be. If you think she will give you a hard time for going without her, try to minimize any wedding talk; don't tell her when you are going, don't mention the dress you eventually purchase unless she specifically asks about it, and avoid wedding talk in general.

And remember, at the end of the whole experience the most important thing is that you'll be married. Don't let anyone's lack of excitement detract from that!

Christmasbride2017 · April 2016

Christmasbride2017 · April 2016

3:27PM

I realize that when you haven't grown up in this situation it can be hard to understand, so I'm not going to hold that against you, but it's not unreasonable for me to want them to be interested and for that to have hurt my feelings.

I know my dad probably really wasn't feeling good. So the expectation that my parents could have been a little less defensive when I all I said was that I was disappointed and I want to go next month, wasnt wrong.

But I also know when my mom doesn't want to leave the house she will use any excuse not to.

So instead of making judgments of what is or isn't unreasonable, maybe stop and put yourself in someone elses shoes.

I'm very tolerant of my parents disabilities, I don't expect them to do much of anything for me, but I do expect them to respect me and mind my feelings the way I mind theirs. Just because someone is in wheelchair doesn't give them a free pass every time they upset someone and especially if that someone is thier child. Their disability doesn't make them less of a person and I'm not going to treat them differently or have significantly different expectations than I would if they weren't in wheelchairs.

I respect them because they are my parents and I love them, but that is just it, they are my parents, I know they won't ever be as excited as I am, but I'm not going to magically not be hurt that they aren't excited at all because they're in wheelchairs. So yes, I will suck it up because I have to, but it's not wrong to be upset by that.

OurWildKingdom said:

Dust yourself off, put your big girl panties on, apologize to your mother, and find someone who is able to go shopping with you. And stop putting unreasonable expectations on your parents.

tigerlily6 · April 2016

Being disappointed is fine, but I think in this case, the best course is to just realize that your parents are probably not going to be that emotionally invested in the wedding planning. I know that can suck. My parents have been minimally involved also. My mom has bad arthritis and live about 3 hours away from me, and in general she's just not a very emotional, gushy person. I couldn't travel since I didn't have a car, and she can't travel easily due to her disability and didn't see why she needed to make a trip just to buy a dress. So I went dress shopping and got my dress by myself. I am going to my first dress fitting by myself next week. Yes, it does feel a bit weird and I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish I had friends or my mom there with me. But you know what? I found a beautiful dress, and I love it. And I'm super excited to be marrying the person I love, and that is really all that matters. My parents will be at my wedding, and that alone will be a pretty huge gift to have them there.

I know my situation isn't exactly the same as yours, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if it's not the ideal scenario where you have your mom there with you helping out through the planning process doesn't mean 1) that your mom doesn't love you, and 2) that the wedding planning process is any less meaningful, or even fun.

charlotte989875 · April 2016

Knottie1451173642 said:

3:27PM
I realize that when you haven't grown up in this situation it can be hard to understand, so I'm not going to hold that against you, but it's not unreasonable for me to want them to be interested and for that to have hurt my feelings.

I know my dad probably really wasn't feeling good. So the expectation that my parents could have been a little less defensive when I all I said was that I was disappointed and I want to go next month, wasnt wrong.

But I also know when my mom doesn't want to leave the house she will use any excuse not to.

So instead of making judgments of what is or isn't unreasonable, maybe stop and put yourself in someone elses shoes.

I'm very tolerant of my parents disabilities, I don't expect them to do much of anything for me, but I do expect them to respect me and mind my feelings the way I mind theirs. Just because someone is in wheelchair doesn't give them a free pass every time they upset someone and especially if that someone is thier child. Their disability doesn't make them less of a person and I'm not going to treat them differently or have significantly different expectations than I would if they weren't in wheelchairs.

I respect them because they are my parents and I love them, but that is just it, they are my parents, I know they won't ever be as excited as I am, but I'm not going to magically not be hurt that they aren't excited at all because they're in wheelchairs. So yes, I will suck it up because I have to, but it's not wrong to be upset by that.

OurWildKingdom said:

Dust yourself off, put your big girl panties on, apologize to your mother, and find someone who is able to go shopping with you. And stop putting unreasonable expectations on your parents.

It's not wrong to be upset, of course you're upset, I would be too. It sucks, regardless of your parents situations to have them say they would do something and then have them bail. Your feelings are valid and you have every right to them.

However, it doesn't sound like this is not new behavior for them. Therefore, you can keep letting it upset you, or realize that this is who they are and accept that they cannot be there for you in the way that you want. Dont let your happiness and excitement depend on reactions from them because from what it sounds like, they're going to let you down. Focus on the fact that you're getting married, you have someone (a bridesmaid?) who does want to be there for you. If you go dress shopping without your mother and she gets upset that's on her, not you. It sucks, but parents can't (or won't) always be there in the way you need or want them to, but how you react to them doing that is up to you.

OurWildKingdom · April 2016

Knottie1451173642 said:

3:27PM
I realize that when you haven't grown up in this situation it can be hard to understand, so I'm not going to hold that against you, but it's not unreasonable for me to want them to be interested and for that to have hurt my feelings.

I know my dad probably really wasn't feeling good. So the expectation that my parents could have been a little less defensive when I all I said was that I was disappointed and I want to go next month, wasnt wrong.

But I also know when my mom doesn't want to leave the house she will use any excuse not to.

So instead of making judgments of what is or isn't unreasonable, maybe stop and put yourself in someone elses shoes.

I'm very tolerant of my parents disabilities, I don't expect them to do much of anything for me, but I do expect them to respect me and mind my feelings the way I mind theirs. Just because someone is in wheelchair doesn't give them a free pass every time they upset someone and especially if that someone is thier child. Their disability doesn't make them less of a person and I'm not going to treat them differently or have significantly different expectations than I would if they weren't in wheelchairs.

I respect them because they are my parents and I love them, but that is just it, they are my parents, I know they won't ever be as excited as I am, but I'm not going to magically not be hurt that they aren't excited at all because they're in wheelchairs. So yes, I will suck it up because I have to, but it's not wrong to be upset by that.

OurWildKingdom said:

Dust yourself off, put your big girl panties on, apologize to your mother, and find someone who is able to go shopping with you. And stop putting unreasonable expectations on your parents.

Touché. I was harsher than I should have been, and I certainly didn't mean to say that you had no right to be upset. I'm very sorry and I hope you feel better.

You're right, I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes, and I was rude and judgmental.

ernursej · April 2016

OP - I'm sorry that this hasn't turned out the way you were hoping. I think that any time an expectation isn't met, it really hurts. It sounds like you are well aware of how things work with your parents and perhaps it is best to avoid anything wedding related with them. Alternatively, if you really want to include them, you should and just be prepared for things to go a bit sideways.

These boards are great because we all love weddings and are happy to gush right along with you during the planning. No one will ever be as excited about your wedding as you (and your FI), but Knotties are pretty darn close.

I hope that you find someone to go dress shopping with you.

MesmrEwe · April 2016

OP - that totally bites, and you've got every reason to feel hurt and disappointed. I'd cancel that appointment because of the wheels situation so that you can be the one driving. Then reschedule to a time that fits your BM's schedule or just go with her keeping the original appointment. It absolutely sucks that your parents essentially aren't interested in going, but consider this - your thoughts and opinions while dress shopping are going to be front and center easier the fewer "cooks" you have in the kitchen while shopping. The best times dress shopping for formalwear/show clothes I've had are when I take no one else along with me. I can say "this makes my gut look fat" without an entourage trying to talk me into wearing something I don't feel like a million bucks in. Look at the positives, she might have whined the entire time making it more miserable for you than the feelings of not having her along. When someone doesn't want to be there they'll drag you down to their miserable level. Focus on you and remember when it comes to all things wedding "Your energy is what others notice" - if you're positive no matter how much crap is tossed at you, people will notice and be more positive!..

glasgowtolondon · April 2016

OP, here's something to think about. You have had a number of nice responses to this thread, yet the only response from you has been to snark back to a post you considered negative. Not one other word. Try focusing on the positives and the things you can control rather than choosing to dwell on only the negative.

OurWildKingdom · April 2016

OP, I read your post more carefully, and I see where you're coming from. You have every right to be upset, and you really did try to accommodate your parents. I guess I got defensive for my own reasons, and once again, I am sorry.

Note to self: read at least twice before posting, three times if under the influence of low blood sugar and PMS.

Christmasbride2017 · April 2016

I didn't mean to be snarky, I get overly defensive when I feel like people, especially strangers judge me for my relationship with my parents and side with them based purely on their wheelchairs, I've dealt with it my whole life. I apologize for being rude. I've actually been running errands and helping out around their house but my phone isn't working properly so I couldn't reply until now.

I ended up talking to my mom later and I told her that I rescheduled for a different boutique in Portland and that I'm going with or without her, it's her choice (nicely of course). But my dad seems to be excited to go, he was trying to reminisce l on prom dress shopping for me with her. So I decided to take my maid of honor and bridesmaids if my mom chooses not to go.

I appriciate the people who reassured me and you're right, I think I just had this picture in my head of what this was going to be like and when things didn't turn out that way l shouldn't have been surprised. My family other than my mom has been really excited, my uncle is doing our engagement photos and my aunts are all offering all sorts of advice and help, so I thought it would be different with my mom since I'm her only child.

But I am beyond excited to be marrying my best friend and highschool sweet heart and that's really the end goal here.

Christmasbride2017 · April 2016

I know I did post an apology alrwady but specifically for you, I'm sorry for being so short tempered about it. I was still reeling from what happened with my mom and I got defensive. I apologize as well

OurWildKingdom said:

Touché. I was harsher than I should have been, and I certainly didn't mean to say that you had no right to be upset. I'm very sorry and I hope you feel better.

You're right, I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes, and I was rude and judgmental.

OurWildKingdom · April 2016

Glad you're feeling better!

kimmiinthemitten · April 2016

My mom is disabled (Deaf/blind) and my dad is technically handicapped (Deaf- but I don't really consider Deafness alone as a handicap).

I don't know the circumstances of your parents condition but I want to share my experience with you in case it helps. Your post sounds a lot like things I would have said 10 years ago straight down to the defensive tone.

Both of my parents were born Deaf into hearing families. Both sets of my grandparents felt guilty for "causing" the Deafness and embarrassed to have a Deaf child. They literally never taught my parents responsibility, which you don't realize is a taught behavior until you're being raised-ish by two self centered legal adults. Their behavior hurt sometimes and I resented it, primarily because they were my parents and I expected them to be more parental. Like you, I do a lot for them, and I came to resent it internally, making me bitter and defensive outwardly. I mean my mom left when I was 5 and my dad couldn't even make sure we had food at home and now I'm expected to be the interpreter, do all of the legal paperwork, make sure their apartments are following ADA etc.

I'm not sure what exactly made me change, but I did. I realized that adults are only who they were raised to be and forgave my parents for not being the best parents. I then learned to accept them for who they really are and forgive who they aren't. My mom may have never raised me, but she always loved me passionately, has a zest for life and an unforgettable smile and sense of humor. My dad did his best, even if it wasn't enough. But he's also the kindest patient in the hospital, he taught me my passion for social justice and he makes a real effort to get to know FI even with a language barrier. When I changed, our relationship changed. They opened up more and for the first time in my life were genuinely close and the relationship, while off-balance in terms of needs, isn't off balance in terms of wants. My dad even surprised me last year with a birthday cake (first time ever!).

You will never change them, but you can change you, and chances are learning to do that will improve your relationship. Who knows why your mom doesn't want to leave the house? My dad hated leaving the house for years because people refuse to engage Deaf people in conversation or view it as a chore. Either way, it doesn't matter. Questioning, judging or even secretly thinking about it didn't give him the boost of confidence he needed. Supporting his decisions, standing proudly next to him and enjoying time out did.

Not or to say they never do things that hurt me, of course they do, however those small hurts no longer trigger the pain of a lifetime of hurts like it used to.

Sorry for the novel, but j hope something I said spoke to you.

MobKaz · April 2016

Knottie1451173642 said:

I didn't mean to be snarky, I get overly defensive when I feel like people, especially strangers judge me for my relationship with my parents and side with them based purely on their wheelchairs, I've dealt with it my whole life. I apologize for being rude. I've actually been running errands and helping out around their house but my phone isn't working properly so I couldn't reply until now.

I ended up talking to my mom later and I told her that I rescheduled for a different boutique in Portland and that I'm going with or without her, it's her choice (nicely of course). But my dad seems to be excited to go, he was trying to reminisce l on prom dress shopping for me with her. So I decided to take my maid of honor and bridesmaids if my mom chooses not to go.

I appriciate the people who reassured me and you're right, I think I just had this picture in my head of what this was going to be like and when things didn't turn out that way l shouldn't have been surprised. My family other than my mom has been really excited, my uncle is doing our engagement photos and my aunts are all offering all sorts of advice and help, so I thought it would be different with my mom since I'm her only child.

But I am beyond excited to be marrying my best friend and highschool sweet heart and that's really the end goal here.

OP, I am also going to read between the lines a little bit here. You don't indicate whether you currently live with your parents. Is it possible that your wedding plans also send a reality check and potential concern that your involvement with your parents, and/or their reliance on you, will be changing now that you are marrying? That could also explain their hesitancy to get excited.

**I don't mean to psychobabble and dash. I should know better than try to respond to posts when I only have a minute. I hope my comment made sense.

kimmiinthemitten · April 2016

Knottie1451173642 said:

Let me preface this really fast with the fact that my parents are disabled, they've been that way my whole life, and though I can accept this to a point it's been no secret and even said outright to me that they use it as en excuse not to go places or do things when they just don't want to. So I'm not trying to be bratty, my feelings are just really hurt.

Sorry, I'm back. I couldn't NOT say this. The above bolded is just a really shitty thing for anyone to say. How fortunate for the able-bodied peanut gallery to determine on their own what constitutes a real or a fabricated reason to do anything.

ILoveBeachMusic · April 2016

kimmiinthemitten said:

Knottie1451173642 said:

Let me preface this really fast with the fact that my parents are disabled, they've been that way my whole life, and though I can accept this to a point it's been no secret and even said outright to me that they use it as en excuse not to go places or do things when they just don't want to. So I'm not trying to be bratty, my feelings are just really hurt.

Sorry, I'm back. I couldn't NOT say this. The above bolded is just a really shitty thing for anyone to say. How fortunate for the able-bodied peanut gallery to determine on their own what constitutes a real or a fabricated reason to do anything.

I took this as her parents told her they were using it as an excuse for not doing something. I could be wrong though.

kimmiinthemitten · April 2016

ILoveBeachMusic said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

Knottie1451173642 said:

Let me preface this really fast with the fact that my parents are disabled, they've been that way my whole life, and though I can accept this to a point it's been no secret and even said outright to me that they use it as en excuse not to go places or do things when they just don't want to. So I'm not trying to be bratty, my feelings are just really hurt.

Sorry, I'm back. I couldn't NOT say this. The above bolded is just a really shitty thing for anyone to say. How fortunate for the able-bodied peanut gallery to determine on their own what constitutes a real or a fabricated reason to do anything.

I took this as her parents told her they were using it as an excuse for not doing something. I could be wrong though.

I thought of that after I posted it, which made me wonder why they feel they have to lie if they don't feel like doing something and could they just be so used to people discounting the way their disability affects their ability to go out, that they just quit trying to explain? OP states that mom refuses to go on car rides that exceed 2 hours and that she declined dress shopping even though it was an hour away. Maybe two hours is moms tolerance level but one hour each way is enough for her too.

It's hard to remove my perspective from this, as my dad declines lots of invitations because he feels left out in group situations. Even being aware of this, it's often times hard for me to ensure he's involved because I'm not an interpreter and as his daughter, social functions for him are for social functions for me as well. However, he should never feel pressured or forced to do something that makes him unhappy or uncomfortable, even if it's for my benefit, and I wouldn't want to guilt him to the point he makes excuses either.

Either way, I'd love to hear her clarify what she meant. I know I jumped on the defensive train, so I hope that didn't run her off.

CMGragain · April 2016

I went dress shopping by myself way back when. It was fine. The sales ladies felt sorry for me and fussed over me. I found the perfect dress after going to five stores. Mom was getting divorced, and wanted nothing to do with a wedding. I bought my dress off the rack (sales sample) and took it home. Once Mom saw me in the dress, she perked up. When she found HER perfect dress, she got really excited.

Christmasbride2017 · April 2016

kimmiinthemitten said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

Knottie1451173642 said:

Let me preface this really fast with the fact that my parents are disabled, they've been that way my whole life, and though I can accept this to a point it's been no secret and even said outright to me that they use it as en excuse not to go places or do things when they just don't want to. So I'm not trying to be bratty, my feelings are just really hurt.

Sorry, I'm back. I couldn't NOT say this. The above bolded is just a really shitty thing for anyone to say. How fortunate for the able-bodied peanut gallery to determine on their own what constitutes a real or a fabricated reason to do anything.

I took this as her parents told her they were using it as an excuse for not doing something. I could be wrong though.

I thought of that after I posted it, which made me wonder why they feel they have to lie if they don't feel like doing something and could they just be so used to people discounting the way their disability affects their ability to go out, that they just quit trying to explain? OP states that mom refuses to go on car rides that exceed 2 hours and that she declined dress shopping even though it was an hour away. Maybe two hours is moms tolerance level but one hour each way is enough for her too.

It's hard to remove my perspective from this, as my dad declines lots of invitations because he feels left out in group situations. Even being aware of this, it's often times hard for me to ensure he's involved because I'm not an interpreter and as his daughter, social functions for him are for social functions for me as well. However, he should never feel pressured or forced to do something that makes him unhappy or uncomfortable, even if it's for my benefit, and I wouldn't want to guilt him to the point he makes excuses either.

Either way, I'd love to hear her clarify what she meant. I know I jumped on the defensive train, so I hope that didn't run her off.

My family usually just quietly "accepts" that she's not feeling up to it, it's my mom who has told me she's just using it as an excuse, I don't know why she feels the need to explain it or do that but she does. But then my family sort of knows shes lying, but their too polite to say anything, even to me. It's frustrating to see her call a friend and tell them she's not up to going out only to hang up, and tell me she did that so she could watch TV.

This has only been a behavior I've noticed in the last few years (maybe 3 or 4?), when I was little her MS never stopped her she was energetic and full of life and wanted to go everywhere. "4 hour car trip to visit my grandparents? Pssh heck yeah we're going! Beach trip? Get in the car, let's go now!" So I don't know if it was going on while I was in high school (I'm only 21) or what.

Christmasbride2017 · April 2016

MobKaz said:

Knottie1451173642 said:

I didn't mean to be snarky, I get overly defensive when I feel like people, especially strangers judge me for my relationship with my parents and side with them based purely on their wheelchairs, I've dealt with it my whole life. I apologize for being rude. I've actually been running errands and helping out around their house but my phone isn't working properly so I couldn't reply until now.

I ended up talking to my mom later and I told her that I rescheduled for a different boutique in Portland and that I'm going with or without her, it's her choice (nicely of course). But my dad seems to be excited to go, he was trying to reminisce l on prom dress shopping for me with her. So I decided to take my maid of honor and bridesmaids if my mom chooses not to go.

I appriciate the people who reassured me and you're right, I think I just had this picture in my head of what this was going to be like and when things didn't turn out that way l shouldn't have been surprised. My family other than my mom has been really excited, my uncle is doing our engagement photos and my aunts are all offering all sorts of advice and help, so I thought it would be different with my mom since I'm her only child.

But I am beyond excited to be marrying my best friend and highschool sweet heart and that's really the end goal here.

OP, I am also going to read between the lines a little bit here. You don't indicate whether you currently live with your parents. Is it possible that your wedding plans also send a reality check and potential concern that your involvement with your parents, and/or their reliance on you, will be changing now that you are marrying? That could also explain their hesitancy to get excited.

**I don't mean to psychobabble and dash. I should know better than try to respond to posts when I only have a minute. I hope my comment made sense.

That's actually a slightly complicated answer. My fiance and I lived together on our own for a year, but I moved out two years ago and was coming over weekly to clean and whatnot and we'd have dinner. We had to panic move from our last apartment because their was mold in the walls and I was sick to the point of being hospitalized, so we're staying in a guest room while we deal with the legal stuff from moving (because we were on a lease) and get into a clean environment that won't make me sick again.

But my fiance helped out around the house before we moved in just as much as I do, they joke he's like a second son. I don't know if they think we'll come over less though, probably not. Half the reason I come over is to check on them.

charlotte989875 · April 2016

Knottie1451173642 said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

Knottie1451173642 said:

Let me preface this really fast with the fact that my parents are disabled, they've been that way my whole life, and though I can accept this to a point it's been no secret and even said outright to me that they use it as en excuse not to go places or do things when they just don't want to. So I'm not trying to be bratty, my feelings are just really hurt.

Sorry, I'm back. I couldn't NOT say this. The above bolded is just a really shitty thing for anyone to say. How fortunate for the able-bodied peanut gallery to determine on their own what constitutes a real or a fabricated reason to do anything.

I took this as her parents told her they were using it as an excuse for not doing something. I could be wrong though.

I thought of that after I posted it, which made me wonder why they feel they have to lie if they don't feel like doing something and could they just be so used to people discounting the way their disability affects their ability to go out, that they just quit trying to explain? OP states that mom refuses to go on car rides that exceed 2 hours and that she declined dress shopping even though it was an hour away. Maybe two hours is moms tolerance level but one hour each way is enough for her too.

It's hard to remove my perspective from this, as my dad declines lots of invitations because he feels left out in group situations. Even being aware of this, it's often times hard for me to ensure he's involved because I'm not an interpreter and as his daughter, social functions for him are for social functions for me as well. However, he should never feel pressured or forced to do something that makes him unhappy or uncomfortable, even if it's for my benefit, and I wouldn't want to guilt him to the point he makes excuses either.

Either way, I'd love to hear her clarify what she meant. I know I jumped on the defensive train, so I hope that didn't run her off.

My family usually just quietly "accepts" that she's not feeling up to it, it's my mom who has told me she's just using it as an excuse, I don't know why she feels the need to explain it or do that but she does. But then my family sort of knows shes lying, but their too polite to say anything, even to me. It's frustrating to see her call a friend and tell them she's not up to going out only to hang up, and tell me she did that so she could watch TV.

This has only been a behavior I've noticed in the last few years (maybe 3 or 4?), when I was little her MS never stopped her she was energetic and full of life and wanted to go everywhere. "4 hour car trip to visit my grandparents? Pssh heck yeah we're going! Beach trip? Get in the car, let's go now!" So I don't know if it was going on while I was in high school (I'm only 21) or what.

Is it possible she was better able to tolerate the drives and had more energy then than she does now?

My parents don't have physical disabilities, but my father has PTSD (and is a recovering alcoholic) and my mother has anxiety and depression, she also refuses to take the medicine prescribed to her or see her therapist regularly. I get frustrated that she doesn't follow her doctors orders and that it affects how she treats people. It's frustrating that there are steps she could take to feel better and treat people better but she doesn't. But I have accepted that I can't get her to do those things if she doesn't want to.

I say this because when I was in college and high school I sounded a lot like you; why can't my parents do things they can to make things better for their children. Why do they chose not to? I have no idea. Your feelings are valid and important. But you're never going to change their behavior. If they want to my excuses for not doing things, even things that are really important to you, you're not going to change that. As soon as I realized I had zero control over how they acted and that as much as I wanted them to realize their impact on me and my sister I couldn't make that happen. They do the best they can with where they are at. And I no longer let their actions upset me the way that they used to.

All that to say; you can't control what they do, but you can control whether or not you let those actions control you. I have a feeling you'll be a whole lot happier if you find a way to make peace with that.

Jen4948 · April 2016

I'm sorry.

It really blows when parents set you up to believe that they'll be involved and then pull the rug out from under you at the last minute. And yes, it's especially annoying when they make phony excuses to get out of things just because they want to. I've experienced that with my own parents, and it was really hurtful.

Unfortunately, your parents, especially your mom, have a habit of doing that, and your getting engaged isn't going to do a thing to make that stop.

As the PP indicates, there's nothing you can do about their attitude. What you can do is adjust your own expectations. See if someone will go shopping with you who will be as enthusiastic and involved as you would have liked your mother to be. And make the rest of your wedding plans without asking them for input.

kimmiinthemitten · April 2016

Knottie1451173642 said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

Knottie1451173642 said:

Let me preface this really fast with the fact that my parents are disabled, they've been that way my whole life, and though I can accept this to a point it's been no secret and even said outright to me that they use it as en excuse not to go places or do things when they just don't want to. So I'm not trying to be bratty, my feelings are just really hurt.

Sorry, I'm back. I couldn't NOT say this. The above bolded is just a really shitty thing for anyone to say. How fortunate for the able-bodied peanut gallery to determine on their own what constitutes a real or a fabricated reason to do anything.

I took this as her parents told her they were using it as an excuse for not doing something. I could be wrong though.

I thought of that after I posted it, which made me wonder why they feel they have to lie if they don't feel like doing something and could they just be so used to people discounting the way their disability affects their ability to go out, that they just quit trying to explain? OP states that mom refuses to go on car rides that exceed 2 hours and that she declined dress shopping even though it was an hour away. Maybe two hours is moms tolerance level but one hour each way is enough for her too.

It's hard to remove my perspective from this, as my dad declines lots of invitations because he feels left out in group situations. Even being aware of this, it's often times hard for me to ensure he's involved because I'm not an interpreter and as his daughter, social functions for him are for social functions for me as well. However, he should never feel pressured or forced to do something that makes him unhappy or uncomfortable, even if it's for my benefit, and I wouldn't want to guilt him to the point he makes excuses either.

Either way, I'd love to hear her clarify what she meant. I know I jumped on the defensive train, so I hope that didn't run her off.

My family usually just quietly "accepts" that she's not feeling up to it, it's my mom who has told me she's just using it as an excuse, I don't know why she feels the need to explain it or do that but she does. But then my family sort of knows shes lying, but their too polite to say anything, even to me. It's frustrating to see her call a friend and tell them she's not up to going out only to hang up, and tell me she did that so she could watch TV.

This has only been a behavior I've noticed in the last few years (maybe 3 or 4?), when I was little her MS never stopped her she was energetic and full of life and wanted to go everywhere. "4 hour car trip to visit my grandparents? Pssh heck yeah we're going! Beach trip? Get in the car, let's go now!" So I don't know if it was going on while I was in high school (I'm only 21) or what.

Playing Devils Advocate again...from what I know about MS isn't it possible your mother would rather stay home and watch TV because the MS is so exhausting, but she doesn't realize that's the real answer? Especially if this is a new behavior. Or she could not want to admit that the disease has progressed to the point where leaving the house at all is a chore.

It definitely sucks that she can't give you the experience you were expecting, but I'm willing to bet she is far more aware of that than you are and feels even worse. I mean, imagine having a 21 year old daughter who is about to get married and full of love and energy and yourself being filled with a crippling, progressive disease. I'd imagine the guilt trip you feel like you receive is really just her projecting her guilt onto you.

Can you find creative ways to include her; FaceTime her from appointments she can't make, SnapChat photos immediately, maybe even just a small note of appreciation for everything she's done to lead you here in this point in your life.

My mom doesn't want to help (Rant)

Re: My mom doesn't want to help (Rant)

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