What to do with a Bridesmaid who doesn't put in effort? [deleted]

zerostarzombie · April 2016

charlotte989875 said:

zerostarzombie said:

Thank you for all of your input.

I'm not trying to shame her or anything. What the point I was trying to get at was that she didn't seem to care or put forth any effort to our friendship, not just the wedding, this has been going on for a year and a half now. I typed this very quickly while on a work break yesterday.

I don't have a maid of honor. I am only 22, and never been in a wedding or at one. I had no idea of these things outside of my mother's input. I am not self centered, just stressed out beyond belief. I apologize if I seemingly upset everyone who pretty much called me out on being a horrible person.

I love Kate with all my heart. That's why I DID apologize to her after what my mom said and treated her like.

I'm glad that you apologized to your friend. But for someone who you say doesn't put in any effort it sounds like she's trying to make things work with a busy schedule.

I know wedding planning can be stressful between making sure everything gets done and planned on time and trying to balance that with everything else you have going on. However that's not an excuse to treat people poorly or get upset with people who have no responsibility to plan your wedding for you.

Find some ways to distress, take a break from thinking about and planning the wedding, take the weekend to do things you like to do. Have some wine. Or cupcakes. Or wine and cupcakes. Or wine flavored cupcakes. If you are "stressed out beyond belief" then you need to find ways to calm down and relax.

Thank you for saying this nicely. I appreciate it.

TrixieJess · April 2016

zerostarzombie said:

Deleted because this whole post was read out of context.
Thank you.

Edit: Thanks for all of your input. I typed this out way too quickly on break at work before thinking. Thank you all for telling me how horrible I am. I appreciate it. I have never been married before and am only 22, I am just confused and have no idea how any of this works. My mom has been pretty much telling me the opposite of everyone here. I love Kate with all my heart and her friendship to me means more than the world, which is why I came to ask for help because I was confused on what to do. I'm sorry if this struck a nerve with most of you. I did not want to start a thread on how horrible and self centered I am. I stupidly typed out before thinking, considering the whole story isn't even here.

So thank you for your input. Sorry for all of trouble I've cause some of you. Thanks for letting me know how horribly I was thinking.

You know, you could learn something. You've been quoted. You could engage with us and ask questions, we only give advice based on the original story told. Most of us answered you with analogies about why it was a bad idea to treat your BM the way you wanted to. No one directly called you horrible or self-centred. You COULD take this as a learning experience, or you can go back to your little 22 year old bubble.

BTW, labelling this as "DELETED" just made this post a bat signal!

Image: https://45.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1okjiiVvU1r5zs61o1_400.gif

flantastic · April 2016

I actually think your BM has put in a ton of effort. She made it to your bridal shower, and got you a gift. She took off work for the ridiculously timed rehearsal. She didn't pick up her dress, but was there any reason it needed to be picked up this early? She probably would have gotten to it on her time.

Your mom needs to calm it down. I did have the most recent wedding I was a BM for have this same issue - the mom was running the show and making a lot of issues out of things that weren't issues and overinflating the importance of things that weren't important. You can try to give her some perspective, or ignore her input, but either way give your whole bridal party a break.

[Deleted User] · April 2016

zerostarzombie said:

Thank you for all of your input.

I'm not trying to shame her or anything. What the point I was trying to get at was that she didn't seem to care or put forth any effort to our friendship, not just the wedding, this has been going on for a year and a half now. I typed this very quickly while on a work break yesterday.

I don't have a maid of honor. I am only 22, and never been in a wedding or at one. I had no idea of these things outside of my mother's input. I am not self centered, just stressed out beyond belief. I apologize if I seemingly upset everyone who pretty much called me out on being a horrible person.

I love Kate with all my heart. That's why I DID apologize to her after what my mom said and treated her like.

The problem with the bolded sentence is that is in direct contradiction to your post title. Your title says she's a bad bridesmaid. Your explanatory post quoted above says she's a bad friend.

Also, she's been a bad friend for over a year and a half and yet you still asked her to be a bridesmaid? Or did you ask her to be a bridesmaid WAAAAAY too long ago and she's become a bad friend Since being asked to be a bridesmaid? Either way, this is your problem, not hers. Lurkers, your wedding party should only be asked to be in the wedding party 6-9 months prior to the wedding. Any sooner and friendships can change, see current thread for proof. Also, don't ask people to be in your wedding party who Used To Be your best friends. A wedding party should be a snapshot of who your closest people are at a moment in time. Asking a peripheral friend, a distant cousin, or a future in-law to stand up with you is not going to make you magically close. In fact, it might strain an already tense relationship. Again, see current thread for proof.

glasgowtolondon · April 2016

zerostarzombie said:

Deleted because this whole post was read out of context.
Thank you.

Edit: Thanks for all of your input. I typed this out way too quickly on break at work before thinking. Thank you all for telling me how horrible I am. I appreciate it. I have never been married before and am only 22, I am just confused and have no idea how any of this works. My mom has been pretty much telling me the opposite of everyone here. I love Kate with all my heart and her friendship to me means more than the world, which is why I came to ask for help because I was confused on what to do. I'm sorry if this struck a nerve with most of you. I did not want to start a thread on how horrible and self centered I am. I stupidly typed out before thinking, considering the whole story isn't even here.

So thank you for your input. Sorry for all of trouble I've cause some of you. Thanks for letting me know how horribly I was thinking.

Ugh, give me a break. Treating your friends well and being treated well in return has NOTHING to do with how many times you have/have not been married. This issue with your friend isn't actually anything to do with your wedding, it's about how you two interact with and treat each other. You not knowing "how any of this works" in relation to weddings is irrelevant.

Your passive aggressive response just lumps you in the pile with every single other "my BM is a bad, bad bitch" posters who cry and delete. Well done.

ETA: grammar

flantastic · April 2016

Here's something else I just noticed. You texted her asking whether she was excited for YOUR shower, and then were offended when she wasn't excited/was confused about the date? I feel like you took that personally, and that's one of the things you would cite as an example of being a "bad friend," when in fact that kind of BS has no bearing whatsoever on how good a friend someone is.

A good friend is someone who makes time to check in on you when you're having a rough time, about a real issue, like a family member dying. A real friend is someone with whom you can talk about interesting things.

I hate showers. I think they're usually stupid, boring parties. I may or may not make time to go to the shower of a good friend, but I'm certainly not going to be "excited" for it. A sensible person would understand that that has no bearing on our friendship. On top of that, no one is going to be as excited for your wedding stuff as you are. I can understand if someone asked you if you were excited for your shower, but I don't understand why you were expecting your bridesmaids to be excited.

lnixon8 · April 2016

flantastic said:

Here's something else I just noticed. You texted her asking whether she was excited for YOUR shower, and then were offended when she wasn't excited/was confused about the date? I feel like you took that personally, and that's one of the things you would cite as an example of being a "bad friend," when in fact that kind of BS has no bearing whatsoever on how good a friend someone is.

A good friend is someone who makes time to check in on you when you're having a rough time, about a real issue, like a family member dying. A real friend is someone with whom you can talk about interesting things.

I hate showers. I think they're usually stupid, boring parties. I may or may not make time to go to the shower of a good friend, but I'm certainly not going to be "excited" for it. A sensible person would understand that that has no bearing on our friendship. On top of that, no one is going to be as excited for your wedding stuff as you are. I can understand if someone asked you if you were excited for your shower, but I don't understand why you were expecting your bridesmaids to be excited.

This. Your shower is not a girls night out for the sake of everyone having fun. Its party thrown in your honor where people buy you presents, watch you open presents, and sometimes play really stupid games. Not like you have to pretend not to know anything about it but you helped with invites for goodness sake.

climbingsingle · April 2016

flantastic said:

Here's something else I just noticed. You texted her asking whether she was excited for YOUR shower, and then were offended when she wasn't excited/was confused about the date? I feel like you took that personally, and that's one of the things you would cite as an example of being a "bad friend," when in fact that kind of BS has no bearing whatsoever on how good a friend someone is.

A good friend is someone who makes time to check in on you when you're having a rough time, about a real issue, like a family member dying. A real friend is someone with whom you can talk about interesting things.

I hate showers. I think they're usually stupid, boring parties. I may or may not make time to go to the shower of a good friend, but I'm certainly not going to be "excited" for it. A sensible person would understand that that has no bearing on our friendship. On top of that, no one is going to be as excited for your wedding stuff as you are. I can understand if someone asked you if you were excited for your shower, but I don't understand why you were expecting your bridesmaids to be excited.

I have literally never been excited about any shower EVER.

[Deleted User] · April 2016

climbingwife said:

flantastic said:

Here's something else I just noticed. You texted her asking whether she was excited for YOUR shower, and then were offended when she wasn't excited/was confused about the date? I feel like you took that personally, and that's one of the things you would cite as an example of being a "bad friend," when in fact that kind of BS has no bearing whatsoever on how good a friend someone is.

A good friend is someone who makes time to check in on you when you're having a rough time, about a real issue, like a family member dying. A real friend is someone with whom you can talk about interesting things.

I hate showers. I think they're usually stupid, boring parties. I may or may not make time to go to the shower of a good friend, but I'm certainly not going to be "excited" for it. A sensible person would understand that that has no bearing on our friendship. On top of that, no one is going to be as excited for your wedding stuff as you are. I can understand if someone asked you if you were excited for your shower, but I don't understand why you were expecting your bridesmaids to be excited.

I have literally never been excited about any shower EVER.

I was. Once. Because it was at one of our favorite bars at the time. It was co-ed for a couple lesbian friends of FH who were expecting twins. And I was new to the friend group. But mostly because of the beer at my favorite bar.

ShesSoCold · April 2016

Ugh, few things annoy me more than the "oh I'm so terrible waaaahhhhhhh feel bad for me boo hoo not my fault".

OP, you fucked up. This has nothing to do with age or never being married; it has everything to do with not being a shitty friend. Own it, grow up and move on.

zerostarzombie · April 2016

Okay, I'll grow up. Thank you.

zerostarzombie · April 2016

Like I said, I explained it rather terribly and in a short amount of time. There is much more to this whole thing, but I'd rather not get blasted for it more.

Thanks.

OurWildKingdom · April 2016

zerostarzombie said:

Okay, I'll grow up. Thank you.

No need to be snotty.

zerostarzombie · April 2016

OurWildKingdom said:

zerostarzombie said:

Okay, I'll grow up. Thank you.

No need to be snotty.

I'm not. It's hard to express emotion through text. Thank you for all of your input.

zerostarzombie · April 2016

Doesn't help when two people come to another board to tell me I have to suck up to a bridesmaid, though. But I understand. I touched nerves, apparently. I should have never posted this, I didn't think it through. But, I appreciate everyone's hard advice.

ShesSoCold · April 2016

I can't quote, but no one told you to "suck up to a bridesmaid". They told you to suck up to your FRIEND. There is a difference.

OurWildKingdom · April 2016

ShesSoCold said:

I can't quote, but no one told you to "suck up to a bridesmaid". They told you to suck up to your FRIEND. There is a difference.

That was me, and I specifically said "BM" in error. My bad.

OP, my point remains: if you value the friendship, you have to quit making excuses and make amends instead.

ShesSoCold · April 2016

Oh, well my point is still the same. It's not like bridesmaids are random people on the bus that you'll never see again. Bridesmaids are your (general you, again) nearest and dearest and you should want to make things right after acting selfishly and shittily.

OliveOilsMom · April 2016

zerostarzombie said:

Like I said, I explained it rather terribly and in a short amount of time. There is much more to this whole thing, but I'd rather not get blasted for it more.

Thanks.

zerostarzombie said:

Doesn't help when two people come to another board to tell me I have to suck up to a bridesmaid, though. But I understand. I touched nerves, apparently. I should have never posted this, I didn't think it through. But, I appreciate everyone's hard advice.

No one said you had to suck up to your friend. Just have a normal friendship with her outside of your wedding. Your wedding is EVERYTHING to you, but its not to your BM. She works a crazy amount of hours and is very wrapped up in being a godmother (which in some circles/cultures is a huge deal). Could she do a better job of tracking date, yes, she should probably get a calendar or keep one on her phone. But that doesn't make her a bad person when she forgets things.

There are also no nerves that you have touched in this post. We are all trying to show you the best way to keep your friendship long after your wedding. People on these boards have lost friendships (me included) to brides who thought the world revolved around them during the planning process. Don't be one of those brides, that is what we are trying to explain.

Many people have not planned weddings before. I certainly never did. I came to TK to learn the best way to plan things. I asked questions for thoughts and suggestions. I lurked a ton. So don't use that as an excuse, you are here now. Let us help you keep your relationships with family and friends on good terms.

SP29 · April 2016

OP- I get how wedding traditions can be confusing. The whole industry is designed so people will spend more money- decor, dresses, parties, gifts. I also had my grandmother tell me at one point, "your wedding party should be helping you with this". Fortunately I knew enough to say, "No, grandma, they don't". If your mother continues to tell you what other people should be doing, I hope you correct her.

If your mother your yourself said anything negative to your friend- apologize for that. Your friend is only required to stand up with you the day of in the required attire, relatively sober. Nothing else.

I think the thing that is hitting a nerve with people (and definitely with me) is you keep saying she has been a bad friend, but every example you give has do with your wedding. And in those cases, no, your friend hasn't done anything wrong.

If there is truly a problem with your friendship, then address it (take the wedding out of it).

TrixieJess · April 2016

zerostarzombie said:

Okay, I'll grow up. Thank you.

Darling, you are 22, I can barely remember 22. Take it down a notch. None of us have a stake in your wedding. We are trying to assist you in actually walking away from your wedding day with friendships in hand.

See my analogy from above. The friend that I mentioned, we were best friends for almost 20 years by the time her wedding rolled around and I knew she was a diva but I thought she would take into consideration my two job, and part-time University course load, my bad, I was wrong. Maybe you have always been like this to your friends. Maybe your friends priorities have shifted in the past years. If you want to continue having the friends you have now after the wedding, stand back, chill out, tell your mother to back the fuck off and do an apology tour.

tigerlily6 · April 2016

OP, I have been in Kate's shoes. When I was 21, I was a senior in college who (voluntarily) took 22 credit hours my final semester, in addition to trying to complete an honor's thesis, working a part-time job, and organizing an academic multi-college conference. I look back fondly to that year now, and all the work helped me get into graduate school which was my big motivation, but damn, I was so busy. I missed my own grandmother's funeral that year because I couldn't get time off from everything, and that really hurts me still to this day.

One of my friends asked if I would be her MOH that spring. I accepted, but as it was the first time I had ever been in a wedding party, I knew NOTHING about the world of bridal stuff. Didn't throw a shower, didn't throw a bachelorette party. Her mom ended up giving her a shower but it was during exam period so I couldn't make it. Now, looking back, I do feel bad that I did not at least call more or something to show my support better. But her helter skelter behavior does not mean she does not value your friendship -- it sounds like she is doing her best to be there to support you. And it sounds like she is committed to being there on your big day, which is really all she needs to do. Take her word for it, thank her for being there for you, and know that some day, you may be the busy one having to take smaller roles in things or unable to make it to Kate's wedding parties (if you plan on kids, for example, they have a way of taking over your schedule).

PrettyGirlLost · April 2016

adk19 said:

zerostarzombie said:

Thank you for all of your input.

I'm not trying to shame her or anything. What the point I was trying to get at was that she didn't seem to care or put forth any effort to our friendship, not just the wedding, this has been going on for a year and a half now. I typed this very quickly while on a work break yesterday.

I don't have a maid of honor. I am only 22, and never been in a wedding or at one. I had no idea of these things outside of my mother's input. I am not self centered, just stressed out beyond belief. I apologize if I seemingly upset everyone who pretty much called me out on being a horrible person.

I love Kate with all my heart. That's why I DID apologize to her after what my mom said and treated her like.

The problem with the bolded sentence is that is in direct contradiction to your post title. Your title says she's a bad bridesmaid. Your explanatory post quoted above says she's a bad friend.

Also, she's been a bad friend for over a year and a half and yet you still asked her to be a bridesmaid? Or did you ask her to be a bridesmaid WAAAAAY too long ago and she's become a bad friend Since being asked to be a bridesmaid? Either way, this is your problem, not hers. Lurkers, your wedding party should only be asked to be in the wedding party 6-9 months prior to the wedding. Any sooner and friendships can change, see current thread for proof. Also, don't ask people to be in your wedding party who Used To Be your best friends. A wedding party should be a snapshot of who your closest people are at a moment in time. Asking a peripheral friend, a distant cousin, or a future in-law to stand up with you is not going to make you magically close. In fact, it might strain an already tense relationship. Again, see current thread for proof.

But a friendship can change even 6-9 months out from a wedding.

You should ask who you want to be in your WP whenever you want to ask them, and if you have a falling out with them prior to your wedding then you need to handle the situation with maturity and perspective, and you don't kick anyone out or replace them.

zerostarzombie · April 2016

I get that everyone. I understand. Like I've said, I did not explain myself enough or think about what I should have said in the original post. I came off completely wrong from what I was asking.

The situation has mended itself.

flantastic · April 2016

zerostarzombie said:

I get that everyone. I understand. Like I've said, I did not explain myself enough or think about what I should have said in the original post. I came off completely wrong from what I was asking.

The situation has mended itself.

Well, considering the only situation that needed fixing seemed to be you being upset over non-issues, I would hope so.

Usually whatever a person's attitude is comes out truest in what they feel needs saying in their original post. I highly doubt you "came off" inaccurately, but I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt that your judgment up to this point has been clouded by yours and your mom's wedding blinders. However, it should now be obvious that your bridesmaids have bent over backwards doing things that are in no way necessary, that being engaged does not make you first priority in anyone's life, and that being a friend still does not make you first priority in their life. Since you supposedly care about them, your goal should be how you can treat them well, not what they can or should be doing for you.

InLoveInQueens · April 2016

flantastic said:

zerostarzombie said:

I get that everyone. I understand. Like I've said, I did not explain myself enough or think about what I should have said in the original post. I came off completely wrong from what I was asking.

The situation has mended itself.

Well, considering the only situation that needed fixing seemed to be you being upset over non-issues, I would hope so.

Usually whatever a person's attitude is comes out truest in what they feel needs saying in their original post. I highly doubt you "came off" inaccurately, but I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt that your judgment up to this point has been clouded by yours and your mom's wedding blinders. However, it should now be obvious that your bridesmaids have bent over backwards doing things that are in no way necessary, that being engaged does not make you first priority in anyone's life, and that being a friend still does not make you first priority in their life. Since you supposedly care about them, your goal should be how you can treat them well, not what they can or should be doing for you.

I agree with this, especially the bolded. When you tell a story, especially one about someone who has ~wronged~ you you [subconsciously or otherwise] tell it to put yourself in the best light. I do think OP's mom tainted her view on what she should expect from her bridal party, but even so, that OP was brutal and I really feel bad for this bridesmaid. Hopefully OP was able to be the bigger person and has since apologized, especially if she wants to keep this friendship after the wedding.

Viczaesar · April 2016

zerostarzombie said:

I get that everyone. I understand. Like I've said, I did not explain myself enough or think about what I should have said in the original post. I came off completely wrong from what I was asking.

The situation has mended itself.

I'm not getting from any of your posts that you realize that you were wrong in both your expectations of your bridesmaid and your claim that she is not putting effort into acknowledging your wedding.

What to do with a Bridesmaid who doesn't put in effort? [deleted]

Re: What to do with a Bridesmaid who doesn't put in effort? [deleted]

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