Names after marriage - what did you do?

crowsgirl15 · May 2016

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Can I be really dumb here? I don't understand the argument of it being a hassle to change a name. All I had to do was send in birth certificate and marriage license to social security administration. My DD only did that too. There was no going to court or anything like that. Just wondering if I'm missing something? This isn't to mean I'm against not changing your name, I just don't understand that particular reason.

In a lot of states, it's especially a hassle if you want to change your middle name to your maiden name. I know in New Jersey, if you aren't born there, you need to petition the court to make that change, which is definitely a pain. It involves a day in court.

Not saying that's necessarily a reason not to do it, but it's definitely a reason to put it off if you don't have the time.

banana468 · May 2016

This was a non-issue for me. I took DH's last name and dropped my maiden name. I didn't love the sound of my maiden name as my middle name so it was just simple to go that way.

Doing anything different wouldn't be wrong but I'm a traditionalist that way and the few hours of work to make the switch aren't that much of an issue nearly 9 years (!) later.

princessleia22 · May 2016

kvruns said:

princessleia22 said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Can I be really dumb here? I don't understand the argument of it being a hassle to change a name. All I had to do was send in birth certificate and marriage license to social security administration. My DD only did that too. There was no going to court or anything like that. Just wondering if I'm missing something? This isn't to mean I'm against not changing your name, I just don't understand that particular reason.

I think it's more of the hassle of changing it on everything else. Making the legal name change was easy. It was changing it on all my bills, changing my professional licensing, changing with all my work contacts that have known me as maiden name for several years, e-mail addresses... those were the things that were a hassle.

A hassle, exactly. although I'm not changing my personal email, I've had it since college and have too many things tied to it. I think it throws people off since my email is FirstName_MaidenName but that's really just if I have to give my email to sign up for something.
Not to mention new passport and license cost $$, new checks at my bank cost $$

I kept my old e-mail addresses and just created new ones also. Then I have them all linked together and forwarded the old accounts to the new ones, so I only have to check one location. I haven't bothered changing my e-mail address on most accounts, because that would be a huge PITA. But, for work, I now have 2 e-mail addresses, one with maiden name and one with married name. Both are still active, because people are bad at changing the address in their contacts. I regularly get mail to both addresses, but have them both linked together, so all mail comes to the same place.

madamerwin · May 2016

kvruns said:

princessleia22 said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Can I be really dumb here? I don't understand the argument of it being a hassle to change a name. All I had to do was send in birth certificate and marriage license to social security administration. My DD only did that too. There was no going to court or anything like that. Just wondering if I'm missing something? This isn't to mean I'm against not changing your name, I just don't understand that particular reason.

I think it's more of the hassle of changing it on everything else. Making the legal name change was easy. It was changing it on all my bills, changing my professional licensing, changing with all my work contacts that have known me as maiden name for several years, e-mail addresses... those were the things that were a hassle.

A hassle, exactly. although I'm not changing my personal email, I've had it since college and have too many things tied to it. I think it throws people off since my email is FirstName_MaidenName but that's really just if I have to give my email to sign up for something.
Not to mention new passport and license cost $$, new checks at my bank cost $$

Yeah, the hassle for me was not so much my SS card and drivers license as much as it was changing it with banks/credit cards, student loans, passport (still have not gotten around to that), and utility bills, as well as my work email, health insurance, and building entry badge.

With credit and debit cards, every financial institution has a different process for name change, which is super fun and confusing; for Wells Fargo, I think I could do it online; Capital One let me do it on the phone, Chase had a form I had to mail in. I have yet to update my BofA credit card, since I have to physically go to the bank and I ain't got time for that shit.

I have zero intention of changing my email address, because it seems pointless. It used to be firstlast, now it's firstmiddle (because my maiden name is my middle name now). Close enough for me.

KeyToHisHeart2017 · May 2016

I plan to take FI name. I don't care for my middle name, but it's the same as my mom's so I won't be changing my maiden to my middle. I have a brother who already has a boy with another on the way so I'm not worried about the last name ending. Also, FI and I discussed that our future child will have my maiden name incorporated into his/her name.

CharmedPam · May 2016

I'm not married yet but love this poll (can't take it yet since I'm undecided). We're not having any kids and I honestly just don't see a need to change my last name. Two of my coworkers got married in the past year, neither changed their names. I think I'm seeing more and more of it now.

themosthappy91 · May 2016

I'm surprised so many ladies here just straight-up took their H's names- I thought I would be in the minority but I guess it remains more common than I perceived it to be.

Here was my thought process- either way my last name was going to be a name a man gave to me, whether I kept my maiden name (which was my father's family name, as is usually the case ) or took my husband's family name. Recognizing that, I thought I might as well opt for the name of the man I at least got to choose for myself (no disrespect to my dad intended).

ShesSoCold · May 2016

I took H's name too. It was really important to him. I made my maiden name my middle, but that doesn't matter much because who uses their middle name for anything?

glasgowtolondon · May 2016

Anyone's FI/H change their name? Either to take your name or for you both to change to a new surname or hyphenate?

madamerwin · May 2016

glasgowtolondon said:

Anyone's FI/H change their name? Either to take your name or for you both to change to a new surname or hyphenate?

No, but my parents always joked about doing that. My last name would have been Dorbell. They used to say if they had done that, they would have named one of us Isabella. Isabella Dorbell.

Greenjinjo · May 2016

Thanks everyone for your input so far! I'm finding it really interesting to read. FH and I had a talk the other night about names and he was very upset that I'm thinking about keeping my name. In saying that though he totally understands because he does not want to change his name at all. I guess this will be an ongoing conversation with some comprises perhaps.

spockforprez · May 2016

themosthappy91 said:

I'm surprised so many ladies here just straight-up took their H's names- I thought I would be in the minority but I guess it remains more common than I perceived it to be.

Here was my thought process- either way my last name was going to be a name a man gave to me, whether I kept my maiden name (which was my father's family name, as is usually the case ) or took my husband's family name. Recognizing that, I thought I might as well opt for the name of the man I at least got to choose for myself (no disrespect to my dad intended).

That's an argument that's often used as counterpoint feminist writings on the subject (NOT saying you are using it that way!). One of the reasons I wanted to keep mine is because my mom and I have the same middle and last names, both of which I utterly cherish, and I'm also named after my grandmother so we have the same legal first and last names. Nothing to do with a man at all!

Also, it won't continue to be "the name a man gave to me" for future generations of kids if we can break out of the "wife and kids take man's last name" mold. I personally like the "boys get dad's name, girls get wife's name" setup but there are any number of ways to do it.

Most men I've talked to about it have extremely strong feelings about it and I've heard lots of women say they decided to go ahead and take their husband's name because they didn't feel as strongly as he did. One of the only ways to change that strong impulse of "you have to change your name to mine because that's what's done" is to normalize/socialize different name norms in marriage. This obviously gets tied up in people's cultural and religious beliefs about gender roles and head of household which is part of what causes so much offense IMO.

So, basically, my choice to keep my name was both political and personal. When men question me about it I say, "Would you change your name?" They ALWAYS respond, "NO! Never!" I ask why and the answer is always a variation of, "Well, that's just my name!" Yep, I tell them. That's my reasoning too. It's just my name. The same weird, squicky feeling you felt when you imagined changing your name is how I feel too. Funny how that works, huh?!

It was never an issue for us. We met on a dating website and on our first phone call we somehow got talking about weddings/marriage. I told him I wasn't interested in receiving an engagement ring or a bended-knee proposal and that I was keeping my name. He said, "Fine by me," and the rest is history.

Greenjinjo · May 2016

When men question me about it I say, "Would you change your name?" They ALWAYS respond, "NO! Never!" I ask why and the answer is always a variation of, "Well, that's just my name!" Yep, I tell them. That's my reasoning too. It's just my name. The same weird, squicky feeling you felt when you imagined changing your name is how I feel too. Funny how that works, huh?! Sorry, quote button being silly. @spockforprez that's how I'm feeling at the moment. FH is adamant he won't change or even add my last name as a middle name. Which is fine,nothing wrong with that. But I don't think I will be willing to change my name if he doesn't as well.

MCmeow · May 2016

There's no way I would abandon my last name so I think I'm gonna hyphenate our names, even if it will sound a little funny (Won't give real name but it would rhyme with Gecko-Sung). Maiden name-FH name. I love my last name, it's pretty rare, only about a thousand in the US, and we have no idea what the origin is. So we assume our ancient ancestors were Czech, moved to Italy and then moved to the Dominican Republic in the 1800's (Just based on the phonetics of the name). My fiance's last name is extremely common in Hong Kong but it's also a history I respect and I want our future kids to be immersed in both cultures.

Tyvm · May 2016

Make sure your state actually lets you change your middle name as part of the wedding process, otherwise you really will have to go through the full legal process to change your name! A lot of states (I think, including PA and CA) don't really do middle name changes (for the man and the woman) as part of the normal marriage process.

I wanted for us each to take each other's last names as our middle names, but I think it would be a serious legal hassle.

Greenjinjo · May 2016

@tyvm we live in New Zealand so things might be a bit different over here. Just had a quick look and I think the marriage certificate over here wouldn't do it for adding a new middle name. Will have to do a bit more research I think.

Tyvm · May 2016

@Greenjinjo The legal nonsense is a serious pain. I can't figure out what's current and what's outdated. Don't even get me started about the "self-uniting marriages" in Pennsylvania. WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO FIND WHAT I CAN DO?! lol

glasgowtolondon · May 2016

I'd like to get to a point in society where it's more of a discussion in a relationship to decide whose name to take. I look at how often this subject comes up on TK, and how often I've been asked, or been part of a conversation with other women about 'what your name will be', and I wonder how many men are having or have had this conversation.

madamerwin · May 2016

Tyvm said:

Make sure your state actually lets you change your middle name as part of the wedding process, otherwise you really will have to go through the full legal process to change your name! A lot of states (I think, including PA and CA) don't really do middle name changes (for the man and the woman) as part of the normal marriage process.

I wanted for us each to take each other's last names as our middle names, but I think it would be a serious legal hassle.

My sister got married in CA and was able to change her middle name as part of the marriage process.

huskypuppy14 · May 2016

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Can I be really dumb here? I don't understand the argument of it being a hassle to change a name. All I had to do was send in birth certificate and marriage license to social security administration. My DD only did that too. There was no going to court or anything like that. Just wondering if I'm missing something? This isn't to mean I'm against not changing your name, I just don't understand that particular reason.

How old are you? I changed my name when I was 20 (to my dad's name, I originally had my mom's maiden name because they weren't married when I was born.) Anyway, changing my name when I was 20 was easier because I didn't have a mortgage, car, tons of credit cards or a job. I was 31 when I got married. We bought a house 2 weeks before our wedding. There was no way I was changing the paperwork on that after just doing it.

And yes, the SS part is the easy part. Then you have to go in line at the DMV, then you have to remember to change everything else that has your name on it. No thanks.

I kept my name when I got married, because why should I change my name because I'm the woman. I have been called Mrs. Smith at times and we get mail for Mr. and Mrs. Husband Smith instead of Ms. Wife Clark and Mr. Husband Smith ,but other than that it's not a problem.

I'm having a baby next month, and our son will have my husband's name. I am thinking of having his middle name be my last name though.
badbnagdway said:

I intended to change my last name but it's been a year and I still haven't. I've never been particularly attached to my last name and the name change would be an "upgrade" in the alphabet which would be cool. Plus, people probably would find it slightly easier to spell. But, even given all that, I just haven't been motivated to change it. If we have kids I think I would feel more motivated to get it done - makes it easier to deal with doctors, schools, etc if you all have the same name. Plus we'd probably go on the same health insurance if we had a third member of the family, which, right now is actually cost prohibitive to do.

Insurance is not an issue, why would it be? You don't have to have the same name to be on the same insurance. That's ridiculous. My husband is on my insurance and we have different names.

Schools might be easier, but just call and say you are Mrs. Smith, James Smith's mother, even if you are Ms. Clark. When you fill out school forms, pretty sure you put your name on your child's contact info so they know Laura Clark is James Smith's mother. It's not like they won't release your child to you. Plus people get remarried and have different last names then their children. I guess I'll find out how difficult it is in the future..

huskypuppy14 · May 2016

themosthappy91 said:

I'm surprised so many ladies here just straight-up took their H's names- I thought I would be in the minority but I guess it remains more common than I perceived it to be.

Here was my thought process- either way my last name was going to be a name a man gave to me, whether I kept my maiden name (which was my father's family name, as is usually the case ) or took my husband's family name. Recognizing that, I thought I might as well opt for the name of the man I at least got to choose for myself (no disrespect to my dad intended).

I hate this argument. First, some people do have their mother's last name, and most likely their mother chose it (even if it was their father's name first). Second, most names are patriarchal, and you aren't chaging anything by just keeping the status quo (and changing to your husband's). I feel that once you are born it is your name, not just your father's name. Whether you choose to change your name is your decision, and either way it is your last name, not just your father's or your husband's.

ILoveBeachMusic · May 2016

huskypuppy14 said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Can I be really dumb here? I don't understand the argument of it being a hassle to change a name. All I had to do was send in birth certificate and marriage license to social security administration. My DD only did that too. There was no going to court or anything like that. Just wondering if I'm missing something? This isn't to mean I'm against not changing your name, I just don't understand that particular reason.

How old are you? I changed my name when I was 20 (to my dad's name, I originally had my mom's maiden name because they weren't married when I was born.) Anyway, changing my name when I was 20 was easier because I didn't have a mortgage, car, tons of credit cards or a job. I was 31 when I got married. We bought a house 2 weeks before our wedding. There was no way I was changing the paperwork on that after just doing it.

And yes, the SS part is the easy part. Then you have to go in line at the DMV, then you have to remember to change everything else that has your name on it. No thanks.

I kept my name when I got married, because why should I change my name because I'm the woman. I have been called Mrs. Smith at times and we get mail for Mr. and Mrs. Husband Smith instead of Ms. Wife Clark and Mr. Husband Smith ,but other than that it's not a problem.

SIB: To answer your question, I am 55 and my daughter (who just got married) is 29. You are probably right about it being easier because I was young and didn't have all the financial obligations. H is 6 years older than I am. After we were married we opened up joint accounts and credit cards. We were renting an apartment so no mortgage. Changing my name on my student loans wasn't a big deal and those were the only debt I had. Going to the DMV wasn't that big of a deal, and I would have had to do it anyway because I moved to a new state. Like I said, I was curious about the hassle aspect - especially those that have to go to court and don't judge people by what they do for themselves. It is a personal decision.

bohobrideCA · May 2016

glasgowtolondon said:

Anyone's FI/H change their name? Either to take your name or for you both to change to a new surname or hyphenate?

I didn't think about changing my name at all until FI and I had a conversation about giving our kids both of our last names (he has both of his parent's last names), that turned into us deciding to add each other's last names. He's really excited about a new last name but I wouldn't have added his unless he added mine, we are equals.

madamerwin · May 2016

bohobrideca said:

glasgowtolondon said:

Anyone's FI/H change their name? Either to take your name or for you both to change to a new surname or hyphenate?

I didn't think about changing my name at all until FI and I had a conversation about giving our kids both of our last names (he has both of his parent's last names), that turned into us deciding to add each other's last names. He's really excited about a new last name but I wouldn't have added his unless he added mine, we are equals.

So does your FI still use both last names? Will your kids have three last names? I have always wondered how it works when one partner comes into a marriage with a hyphenated last name and the couple want to hyphenate their eventual kid's last name. Do you choose one of your last names, plus your spouses? Have a triple hyphen?

themosthappy91 · May 2016

spockforprez said:

themosthappy91 said:

I'm surprised so many ladies here just straight-up took their H's names- I thought I would be in the minority but I guess it remains more common than I perceived it to be.

Here was my thought process- either way my last name was going to be a name a man gave to me, whether I kept my maiden name (which was my father's family name, as is usually the case ) or took my husband's family name. Recognizing that, I thought I might as well opt for the name of the man I at least got to choose for myself (no disrespect to my dad intended).

That's an argument that's often used as counterpoint feminist writings on the subject (NOT saying you are using it that way!). One of the reasons I wanted to keep mine is because my mom and I have the same middle and last names, both of which I utterly cherish, and I'm also named after my grandmother so we have the same legal first and last names. Nothing to do with a man at all!

Also, it won't continue to be "the name a man gave to me" for future generations of kids if we can break out of the "wife and kids take man's last name" mold. I personally like the "boys get dad's name, girls get wife's name" setup but there are any number of ways to do it.

Most men I've talked to about it have extremely strong feelings about it and I've heard lots of women say they decided to go ahead and take their husband's name because they didn't feel as strongly as he did. One of the only ways to change that strong impulse of "you have to change your name to mine because that's what's done" is to normalize/socialize different name norms in marriage. This obviously gets tied up in people's cultural and religious beliefs about gender roles and head of household which is part of what causes so much offense IMO.

So, basically, my choice to keep my name was both political and personal. When men question me about it I say, "Would you change your name?" They ALWAYS respond, "NO! Never!" I ask why and the answer is always a variation of, "Well, that's just my name!" Yep, I tell them. That's my reasoning too. It's just my name. The same weird, squicky feeling you felt when you imagined changing your name is how I feel too. Funny how that works, huh?!

It was never an issue for us. We met on a dating website and on our first phone call we somehow got talking about weddings/marriage. I told him I wasn't interested in receiving an engagement ring or a bended-knee proposal and that I was keeping my name. He said, "Fine by me," and the rest is history.

UGH it won't let me bold what I want to respond to so stick with me.

RE: second paragraph: Oh you're totally right on that. I definitely made my decision with a mind to myself and not the status quo.

RE: the rest of it: if my husband had in any way indicated he wanted me to take his name or expressed preference for me doing so, honestly I think I would have been so irritated I would have actually kept my own! He could not have cared less if I took his name and probably would have even been open to taking mine if I'd asked, which gave me the space to think about it purely in terms of what changing my name represented to me personally... he would have gotten quite the smackdown if he'd pushed for me to change it :P.

@huskypuppy14 obviously some people have their mothers last name (and more will going forward!) but that wasn't the case for me (or most people). Even the mothers who chose to take their H's last names largely did so without thought or because of external pressure. But I take your point- obviously I'm not changing the status quo and giving my own daughter a different choice than I had by taking my husband's name. I guess in a way I'm thinking with the same logic that many people who do keep their maiden names are using- a name is really personal, so I want to decide on my name thinking only of me and not of what it'll mean to my children or the next generation.

MyNameIsNot · May 2016

glasgowtolondon said:

I'd like to get to a point in society where it's more of a discussion in a relationship to decide whose name to take. I look at how often this subject comes up on TK, and how often I've been asked, or been part of a conversation with other women about 'what your name will be', and I wonder how many men are having or have had this conversation.

This. I respect everyone's right to choose what to do with their name, and think it's interesting to hear about why people made whichever decisions.

It makes me a little sad that so many women still say that they changed their names without even thinking about it because it was just assumed.

bohobrideCA · May 2016

madamerwin said:

bohobrideca said:

glasgowtolondon said:

Anyone's FI/H change their name? Either to take your name or for you both to change to a new surname or hyphenate?

I didn't think about changing my name at all until FI and I had a conversation about giving our kids both of our last names (he has both of his parent's last names), that turned into us deciding to add each other's last names. He's really excited about a new last name but I wouldn't have added his unless he added mine, we are equals.

So does your FI still use both last names? Will your kids have three last names? I have always wondered how it works when one partner comes into a marriage with a hyphenated last name and the couple want to hyphenate their eventual kid's last name. Do you choose one of your last names, plus your spouses? Have a triple hyphen?

Basically, our situation is unique and not necessarily the beginning of a new tradition for our family or anything. He's from South America so he has two last names, no hyphen. He is replacing his maternal last name with my last. He has wanted to remove his maternal last name anyway so that was a nonissue for him. I don't know what my kids will do IF they are born and IF they get married and IF they want to change their name or IF they have kids. Those suckers are on their own.

madamerwin · May 2016

bohobrideca said:

madamerwin said:

bohobrideca said:

glasgowtolondon said:

Anyone's FI/H change their name? Either to take your name or for you both to change to a new surname or hyphenate?

I didn't think about changing my name at all until FI and I had a conversation about giving our kids both of our last names (he has both of his parent's last names), that turned into us deciding to add each other's last names. He's really excited about a new last name but I wouldn't have added his unless he added mine, we are equals.

So does your FI still use both last names? Will your kids have three last names? I have always wondered how it works when one partner comes into a marriage with a hyphenated last name and the couple want to hyphenate their eventual kid's last name. Do you choose one of your last names, plus your spouses? Have a triple hyphen?

Basically, our situation is unique and not necessarily the beginning of a new tradition for our family or anything. He's from South America so he has two last names, no hyphen. He is replacing his maternal last name with my last. He has wanted to remove his maternal last name anyway so that was a nonissue for him. I don't know what my kids will do IF they are born and IF they get married and IF they want to change their name or IF they have kids. Those suckers are on their own.

Ok, the South America thing makes sense. My BIL is from El Salvador, and he also had two last names. Incidentally, when he became a US citizen, they somehow dropped his maternal last name (unintentionally), so he ended up with just one anyway, though it was not the one he actually used (he went by his mother's last name, which got dropped). I like the idea of your FI taking your maiden name and dropping the maternal name, because then your hypothetical children would actually have the same naming convention as he did growing up. Either way, I must say I like the South/Central American tradition with last names, it's far more equitable.

photokitty · May 2016

The whole my last name is my dad's, so I might as well take one from a man I picked myself doesn't make sense to me. Under that logic, why not choose a new first name while you're at it? I mean why keep one your parents picked, when you could pick one yourself?

[Deleted User] · May 2016

I kept my maiden name as my middle name and took my husband's name as a last name. I love my maiden name and it's important to me, plus it makes things easier when people who knew me by my maiden name are trying to contact me. If I could have hyphenated, that would have been great, but we both have long, foreign names that are difficult to say and spell... it would have been a mess!

Names after marriage - what did you do?

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