This isn't quite a woe, but I was unsure of which board it belongs...
My FMIL is a little complicated (note: easily offended, hard to read, has liked 0% of the women he's dated). My FI and I have agreed to only have him communicate with his mom for my own sanity.
Our reception venue has a fireplace with a mantle. I thought it would be really lovely to display framed photos of our parents and grandparents wedding photos. I've seen it done before and I like how it's kind of homey, but also humorous (my 'rents were married in the 80's, nuff said). We don't live near his parents or anyone that would have his side's photos, so we need his mom to provide them. He asked her once with no result, and he's worried about asking her again. Even if he does, I'm worried she'll never provide them. Here's the question:
Do I say 'Screw it,' and display the photos of my family, or is that rude, and I should just not use any and put something generic up?
Re: Bad to Exclude His Family Photos?
I'd have him let her know that you're displaying photos from your family, and would love to include his family as well. Have your FI call and email her, so she (and you) have the request in writing.
Does your FI have a good relationship with any other family members? If possible, I'd also try reaching out to them and offering to pay to have those pictures shipped to you. An aunt, uncle, or grandmother may be much easier to ask for help.
He thinks she's too busy and doesn't want to stress her out. She's a stay-at-home wife not involved in anything outside the home. I've seen the photos in boxes at their house, so I know they exist.
Basically, that's a great question, lol.
Does your FI have a good relationship with any other family members? If possible, I'd also try reaching out to them and offering to pay to have those pictures shipped to you. An aunt, uncle, or grandmother may be much easier to ask for help.
That's a good idea-- I'll try to see if his sister will be there before the wedding. Thanks, hadn't thought of that!
There wouldn't be any family members outside of that. His aunt (his mom's sister) sent the invitation to us unopened with a note that basically said "Weddings are for people that love and know you and we can't be included in that. Have a nice life." I am not dealing with warm and cuddly people here. She really could have just said "no."
@CMGragain has a point: either both families (if FSIL helps you out) or neither. Maybe you can put some favorite pictures of you and FI on the mantle instead, or mementos of things you've done together.
It may be that she doesn't want to provide the originals if she lives a distance - which would be perfectly understandable! You can always scan and print a copy or potentially even get one printed from the original photographer! FI could take a picture with your camera over the top of it the next time you're there and print it off himself.
Yes, it's o.k. for him to ask her a second time but this time provide alternatives that she wouldn't need to stress about - such as "Hey Mom - who was your wedding photographer? We'd like to get a small print made of your wedding picture made to display at our wedding"..
I also agree with CMG - both sides or neither side... You can always use pictures from your time dating instead!
Agree with CMG to skip if it comes to this.
It's not like you can't still honor your family in another way. Write them heartfelt notes that tell them how much they mean or just tell them in person.
Or if you are set on putting up photos does your FI have any non-wedding pictures of his family? Maybe on a family vacation or from his childhood? Maybe instead of wedding photos you could put up just normal family photos from both of your families growing up.
If anything - it's a good idea if they have the opportunity to obtain originals or copies of their wedding pictures now because of the "dead photographer" factor... Lesson learned - My parent's 50th ... The photographer before she passed had set aside my parent's pictures to give them the negatives but my parents hadn't had a chance to get to her place to pick them up (they live four hours away), she ended up with an aggressive form of cancer and passed... Time came for their 50th and I was trying to get ahold of them since they'd been donated to the historical society in the area (which took research and her brother was adamant about reuniting as many of the pictures with original subjects in them or their descendants as possible) - sadly - the person in charge of them at the historical society refused to allow anyone to go near them because "They're wrapped in shrink wrap up on a shelf in a heap" and he refused to even look himself. These pictures are no good to anyone except those who are in them and most certainly how they're currently being kept is not preserving them for generations to come. So if you have the opportunity - link up to get the originals!! (would be a great gift to the parents for the wedding!!)
I like the idea of childhood pictures. Maybe baby pics of each of you on each end, with progressively older photos going towards the middle. Then have the middle one be a picture of the two of you.
And wtf with your FI's aunt sending the invitation back with a message like that? It sounds like there is some drama going on here that we're not hearing about.
There's definitely something else going on here. Might just be they're all mean people. But...yeeeeesh.
Thanks for all the feedback! A lot of that is helpful.
We definitely tackled the family issue in a pre-marital retreat and boundaries have been set and we have open communication about it/have each other’s backs.
I don’t know the rest of the story— I haven't met anyone outside his mom/sister/dad, he hasn't seen any family outside of them since childhood, and it's not my place to fix it. My family is great, so at least we've got that going for us. I think the unopened RSVP from his aunt was a giant F-U to his mom, not us. At least it’s a good story?