Invite disaster

kimmiinthemitten · May 2016

We can only respond to the information you provide. The information your provided stated that your FI chose to invite extended family without telling you. It also alluded to a verbal invitation to great grandma. Regardless, my opinion doesn't change. You have a choice to make: relationships vs future goals and if great grandma doesn't make your list of top 20 people then you may suffer consequences from that decision.

Also, you chose to ask a question when you apparently didn't have time to update your post. That is not the same thing as 'not allowing you time to respond.'

Finally, no one threw hate your way. I think the majority of posters just sided with great grandma.

mollybarker11 · May 2016

PaperTigersx said:
We have discussed his family dynamics many times. He is not close with his aunts for several reasons and it was his moms idea to invite them and did so on her own. He never corrected her and I didn't want to look like the bad person by telling her she couldn't do that. I like his family and don't really have a problem with them coming. I don't have a problem with his great grandmother coming but at this point, we don't have the space.

PaperTigersx said:

mollybarker11 said:

Firstly: Stop verbally inviting people / informing them they're uninvited / telling guests who else is or isn't invited. You will need to send formal invitations to all the extended family members your fiancé has invited.

Have you & your FI sat together and physically written down your guest list? That should be the first thing on your to-do list at this point. Your parents may have a say in it since they're paying for the event. Everyone must be on the same page about this to avoid more mix-ups going forward.

As others have mentioned, you can find a way to make your parents' home accessible for your future great-grandmother (FGGM?). Since she is an important part of your FI's close family, I strongly suggest you do so. Your concern shouldn't be whether she hates you, but whether you hurt her. I'm not sure there is any way to tell someone they're not invited to something without hurting them. I wish you luck smoothing this over!

I never verbally invited or uninvited anyone. We finalized the guest list months ago and save the dates went out earlier this month.

My "don't discuss invitations" advice was for both you and your fiancé. In your OP you said that your relative was told she wasn't invited due to mobility issues and you were planning to tell his great-grandmother the same. You also said it was your FI who verbally invited extended family members without telling you. I thought it may've been because you two hadn't finalized the list rather than him purposely going off it.

Thank you for clarifying that his mother is the one who verbally invited others and your FI didn't correct her. His mother should not have done that, it puts you in an extremely uncomfortable position. It's totally understandable that you're frustrated by this, I'd be very upset! Since invitations haven't gone out yet, your FI still has time to correct her and then it's her responsibility to inform them that she was mistaken and they cannot be accommodated at the wedding. This would be a sticky situation in most families and it seems like you two have decided to go along with it and expand your guest-list, but know that you do have that option.

I'm glad to see you're looking into ramp rentals! I think it is for the best that you give his great-grandmother the autonomy to decide for herself whether she is able to attend. Perhaps she & the grandmother who helps her will discuss it themselves and decide whether they're up to it, but I'm sure she'll feel very happy to have been thought of.

mollybarker11 · May 2016

For lurkers: This is a good reminder that Save The Dates are not always necessary. I'm sure the "who's invited / who's not" talk among OP's FI's family would have come up eventually, but the upset may have been sparked when the bunch who received STDs mentioned them to those who did not.

spockforprez · May 2016

I'm just surprised that Save the Dates were mailed for a 10-person, immediately-family-only wedding.

CMGragain · May 2016

You got good advice, and you are following it. Great! Why whine about the posts now?

lc07 · May 2016

PaperTigersx said:

lc07 said:
I'm sorry you're stressed out about this. It sounds like you and FI need to get on the same page about wedding plans. But what's done is done. Since it sounds like FI invited her it would be incredibly rude to uninvite her. I gather she can walk just not up steps? You can buy/rent ramps.

She wasn't invited. Save the dates recently went out and that's when all this came up.

*******stuck in the silly box*********

You said "(Our wedding is small -meant to be Close friends and immediate family due to my family dynamics but he, without asking me, invited his extended family). "

which made me think he invited them.

I'm glad it's getting sorted out and you found the ramp rental idea helpful!

PaperTigersx · May 2016

Viczaesar said:

PaperTigersx said:

I didn't really expect to get so much hate out of this. I wanted advice and really just got a lot of judgement without being able to defend myself. But from lurking on other posts, I Shoild have expected.

Its a safety concern for her to get up the steps. Even with help, she has fallen a few times and refuses to use a wheelchair.

We have wonderful communication and it's more the rest of his family that is close knit. He didn't want the extended family invited initially until his mother invited them

and i do consider extended family cousins, aunts, uncles etc and he was In agreeance with that.

Im more frustrated with how our 10 person guest list has more than doubled and continues to grow even after finalizing the list.

I hadn't thought of looking into ramp rentals and I will. It's not that more of an expense that we couldn't handle.
There are steps to get up onto the deck we are having the ceremony, steps into the house, and steps into the eating area or steps to the backyard.
Thank you for those who gave that advice.
We will work on expanding the wedding outdoors under a tent.

Now everyone can be happy and no one excluded.

In your original post you said that HE was the one who invited his extended family.

It's not like I was going to make him tell his mother her sisters couldn't come. So the save the dates went out to them.
Not trying to get off on the wrong foot with any of them especially since I don't have a problem with his family. its MY family that has screwy dynamics.

PaperTigersx · May 2016

crowsgirl15 said:

PaperTigersx said:

OurWildKingdom said:

That wasn't your decision to make, @PaperTigersx. You send the invitation, and people decide whether they can or can't come (or want to or don't want to). I know a couple of my friends won't be able to come for one reason or another and that my maternal grandmother is too ill, but I'm still inviting them.

You need to fix this now.

it is being fixed. As no one gave me a chance to respond- we are looking into a ramp rental.

No one gave you a chance to respond? Seriously? No one posted more than once on this thread until you came back. Blaming us for you waiting a long time to respond is a strange choice.

I apologize for reacting like that. I'm pmsing like crazy and trying to figure a way to backtrack this fiasco I placed myself in. Just a tiny bit stressed.

PaperTigersx · May 2016

spockforprez said:

I'm just surprised that Save the Dates were mailed for a 10-person, immediately-family-only wedding.

The majority of the guest list is out of town plane ride away.
Its no longer the ten person wedding and is almost up to 30.

PaperTigersx · May 2016

Anyway, thank you all for your words. Sometimes it's hard to hear the truth.
Im excited to include his great grandmother. She's definitely worth the changes.

crowsgirl15 · May 2016

PaperTigersx said:

crowsgirl15 said:

PaperTigersx said:

OurWildKingdom said:

That wasn't your decision to make, @PaperTigersx. You send the invitation, and people decide whether they can or can't come (or want to or don't want to). I know a couple of my friends won't be able to come for one reason or another and that my maternal grandmother is too ill, but I'm still inviting them.

You need to fix this now.

it is being fixed. As no one gave me a chance to respond- we are looking into a ramp rental.

No one gave you a chance to respond? Seriously? No one posted more than once on this thread until you came back. Blaming us for you waiting a long time to respond is a strange choice.

I apologize for reacting like that. I'm pmsing like crazy and trying to figure a way to backtrack this fiasco I placed myself in. Just a tiny bit stressed.

High five, and all is forgiven. I was a little snarkier than I intended to be, reading it back, so sorry for that on my end. PMS is a bitch, but it sounds like you're going to resolve it just fine.

OurWildKingdom · May 2016

PaperTigersx said:

crowsgirl15 said:

PaperTigersx said:

OurWildKingdom said:

That wasn't your decision to make, @PaperTigersx. You send the invitation, and people decide whether they can or can't come (or want to or don't want to). I know a couple of my friends won't be able to come for one reason or another and that my maternal grandmother is too ill, but I'm still inviting them.

You need to fix this now.

it is being fixed. As no one gave me a chance to respond- we are looking into a ramp rental.

No one gave you a chance to respond? Seriously? No one posted more than once on this thread until you came back. Blaming us for you waiting a long time to respond is a strange choice.

I apologize for reacting like that. I'm pmsing like crazy and trying to figure a way to backtrack this fiasco I placed myself in. Just a tiny bit stressed.

I apologize too. I guess your post hit a bit close to home, because I'm still hurting about my grandmother not being there for our wedding day.

Hang in there. You'll make it work.

kimmiinthemitten · May 2016

PaperTigersx said:

Anyway, thank you all for your words. Sometimes it's hard to hear the truth.
Im excited to include his great grandmother. She's definitely worth the changes.

Glad to hear this! It's hard not to take your wedding plans personally at times, and it's even harder to hear you may have a bad idea. I'm glad you were able to see it from our perspective and make other arrangements that include her.

Does this mean your family member who is in a wheelchair will also be invited now? I'm sure hearing she wasn't invited due to her disability was very hurtful.

SP29 · May 2016

I'm glad you clarified more OP.

It was definitely wrong of your FMIL to invite additional guests, but that was up to your FI to put his foot down on behalf of both of you. Since that didn't happen, and STDs were sent- you're stuck with a larger guest list and now have to accommodate it.

Great-grandmother isn't entitled to an invitation BUT if FI has a relationship with her and wants her to be there, particularly now that you have invited a bunch of other extended family, it is sucky to say you won't invite someone because you think they can't make it. Let her make the decision. I know you are also worried that Grandma is the one who will need to drive her/ take care of her- Grandma is also an adult and can make her own decisions.

Sorry to hear this is causing you stress- I understand why it would when you thought you were having a 10 person wedding and it has now tripled (to 30). But that all goes back to you and FI not being on the same page and FI not standing up to his mother ("Mom, our guest list is 10 people only, that is all Paper's parent's house can accommodate, and that is our choice for an intimate wedding. End of story). You say you are OK with this now, so nothing left to do but roll with it. Rent a ramp, look at moving the festivities outdoors to a tent in the back yard (less stairs!).

InLoveInQueens · May 2016

spockforprez said:

I'm just surprised that Save the Dates were mailed for a 10-person, immediately-family-only wedding.

We didn't even send invitations to our 10 person wedding and we had some guests who had to fly in. This is the kind of thing a phone call would take care of, plus it's free!

banana468 · May 2016

I don't understand why people can't help her. My parents didn't put a ramp in their home but they helped grandma up and down the stairs when she visited because well, duh - she's grandma.

MesmrEwe · May 2016

If your wedding is truly that small - you can afford to book out the private room at the local buffet or restaurant. But really, a ramp is not that difficult to make for an event using 2x4's and plywood.. It's not like you're talking four flights of stairs...

PaperTigersx · May 2016

kimmiinthemitten said:

PaperTigersx said:

Anyway, thank you all for your words. Sometimes it's hard to hear the truth.
Im excited to include his great grandmother. She's definitely worth the changes.

Glad to hear this! It's hard not to take your wedding plans personally at times, and it's even harder to hear you may have a bad idea. I'm glad you were able to see it from our perspective and make other arrangements that include her.

Does this mean your family member who is in a wheelchair will also be invited now? I'm sure hearing she wasn't invited due to her disability was very hurtful.

I would love for her to come, but she had already discussed with me she would not be able to attend. Maybe with the added ramp she will feel comfortable coming.
To clarify, the conversation we had wasn't me saying she wasn't invited. We discussed where the wedding was as it came up in conversation. I gave her a save the date tho.
She hasn't been to my parents house in years due to the steps and some other medical challenges.

PaperTigersx · May 2016

banana468 said:

I don't understand why people can't help her. My parents didn't put a ramp in their home but they helped grandma up and down the stairs when she visited because well, duh - she's grandma.

People can help and do help. It's the fact that she's fallen before with people still helping her that is scary.
The ramp will be a big help.
I'm still baffled I didn't even think of such a simple solution haha

banana468 · May 2016

PaperTigersx said:

banana468 said:

I don't understand why people can't help her. My parents didn't put a ramp in their home but they helped grandma up and down the stairs when she visited because well, duh - she's grandma.

People can help and do help. It's the fact that she's fallen before with people still helping her that is scary.
The ramp will be a big help.
I'm still baffled I didn't even think of such a simple solution haha

It may mean better help. My grandmother had a stroke and walked with a cane but really needed a wheelchair for years before she admitted it was necessary. We'd pretty much prop her as she walked and would walk with her. It was the grown up version of holding a child's hands. It meant that two people were needed to get her up the stairs and to the bathroom but we did it. We loved her.

lnixon8 · May 2016

banana468 said:

PaperTigersx said:

banana468 said:

I don't understand why people can't help her. My parents didn't put a ramp in their home but they helped grandma up and down the stairs when she visited because well, duh - she's grandma.

People can help and do help. It's the fact that she's fallen before with people still helping her that is scary.
The ramp will be a big help.
I'm still baffled I didn't even think of such a simple solution haha

It may mean better help. My grandmother had a stroke and walked with a cane but really needed a wheelchair for years before she admitted it was necessary. We'd pretty much prop her as she walked and would walk with her. It was the grown up version of holding a child's hands. It meant that two people were needed to get her up the stairs and to the bathroom but we did it. We loved her.

I agree. Unless she is morbidly obese have your fiance's best man and his 14 year old brother (hell even the groom himself) carry her up the -what was it 8 total?-steps and sit her in a comfy chair.

Knottie1461702511 · May 2016

I don't think the steps is as big an issue as you're making it. My mom and my SIL's father had mobility issues and the my neice's husbands groomsmen simply lifted them up the stairs sitting In Chairs. It was no big deal. I am also in the camp of inviting them and let them worry about their mobility and whether they can come or not. I'm inviting my former neighbor to my wedding and she is disabled. It's up to her to bring a guest that can help her or not. Of course we will make sure she's taken care of once she's at the venue.
I also concur that you need to work on communication. Good Gravy!

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