I always will issue invitations to people's SOs, but it is a huge PITA sometimes, especially if I have serious space and budget restrictions and I've either never met or can't stand the SOs or inviting them prevents me from inviting people I'm closer to, but I still have to invite them just because social units have to be invited together.
That doesn't sound like its an etiquette rule you don't mind if you're a guest, but rather as a host. I bet you'd be pissed if you or your SO were not invited to a wedding together, right?
To be honest, IDGAF about pretty much every etiquette rule (the list of rules I care about is significantly smaller than the ones I don't), but this is the only one I'll comment on at length.
I would completely understand and be fine if FH was not invited to a wedding with me, or vice versa. First of all, we are (shockingly!) capable of spending time apart from each other; being in a couple doesn't make us literally one person. We still have friends, interests, etc outside of one another. Second, but tying in to that, if your SO has a friend that you don't know all that well, why would you even want to go to their wedding? You won't know anyone but your SO, meaning you probably won't have a great time and neither will your SO. We have a good college friend who is bringing his GF, who we have never met (they met after college AND it's long distance, so we've never had the opportunity), to our wedding. While I'm excited to meet her, she's not going to know anybody else there but he will be reuniting with a large group of college friends. That puts both of them in awkward positions. If I was in the position of making a decision between going to a wedding of someone I'd never met or being away from a SO, I'd choose being away from SO.
Personally, I love meeting new people so I would go to the wedding of someone I have never met and have a great time. Also, an invitation is not a summons so you are not required to go if you do not want to. Inviting someone with their SO is just polite; it is acknowledging that the other person exist and is important to the friend (general) you are inviting.
I always will issue invitations to people's SOs, but it is a huge PITA sometimes, especially if I have serious space and budget restrictions and I've either never met or can't stand the SOs or inviting them prevents me from inviting people I'm closer to, but I still have to invite them just because social units have to be invited together.
That doesn't sound like its an etiquette rule you don't mind if you're a guest, but rather as a host. I bet you'd be pissed if you or your SO were not invited to a wedding together, right?
To be honest, IDGAF about pretty much every etiquette rule (the list of rules I care about is significantly smaller than the ones I don't), but this is the only one I'll comment on at length.
I would completely understand and be fine if FH was not invited to a wedding with me, or vice versa. First of all, we are (shockingly!) capable of spending time apart from each other; being in a couple doesn't make us literally one person. We still have friends, interests, etc outside of one another. Second, but tying in to that, if your SO has a friend that you don't know all that well, why would you even want to go to their wedding? You won't know anyone but your SO, meaning you probably won't have a great time and neither will your SO. We have a good college friend who is bringing his GF, who we have never met (they met after college AND it's long distance, so we've never had the opportunity), to our wedding. While I'm excited to meet her, she's not going to know anybody else there but he will be reuniting with a large group of college friends. That puts both of them in awkward positions. If I was in the position of making a decision between going to a wedding of someone I'd never met or being away from a SO, I'd choose being away from SO.
Personally, I love meeting new people so I would go to the wedding of someone I have never met and have a great time. Also, an invitation is not a summons so you are not required to go if you do not want to. Inviting someone with their SO is just polite; it is acknowledging that the other person exist and is important to the friend (general) you are inviting.
Ah, but the social anxiety is strong with me. So I would be that person sitting at their seat the whole time painfully resisting from just facebooking while everyone else had fun.
I do get that it is polite to acknowledge their existence and their couplehood, but I a) don't think it's necessary in every situation and b) would not take it as a sign of great offense to not be acknowledged.
I always will issue invitations to people's SOs, but it is a huge PITA sometimes, especially if I have serious space and budget restrictions and I've either never met or can't stand the SOs or inviting them prevents me from inviting people I'm closer to, but I still have to invite them just because social units have to be invited together.
That doesn't sound like its an etiquette rule you don't mind if you're a guest, but rather as a host. I bet you'd be pissed if you or your SO were not invited to a wedding together, right?
To be honest, IDGAF about pretty much every etiquette rule (the list of rules I care about is significantly smaller than the ones I don't), but this is the only one I'll comment on at length.
I would completely understand and be fine if FH was not invited to a wedding with me, or vice versa. First of all, we are (shockingly!) capable of spending time apart from each other; being in a couple doesn't make us literally one person. We still have friends, interests, etc outside of one another. Second, but tying in to that, if your SO has a friend that you don't know all that well, why would you even want to go to their wedding? You won't know anyone but your SO, meaning you probably won't have a great time and neither will your SO. We have a good college friend who is bringing his GF, who we have never met (they met after college AND it's long distance, so we've never had the opportunity), to our wedding. While I'm excited to meet her, she's not going to know anybody else there but he will be reuniting with a large group of college friends. That puts both of them in awkward positions. If I was in the position of making a decision between going to a wedding of someone I'd never met or being away from a SO, I'd choose being away from SO.
FI and I very much have activities and lives outside of each other. He had a baseball season ticket package without me, my best friend and I have a weekly date night etc. However, the events we spend apart regularly and even not so regularly are not events focused on celebrating relationships. I'm perfectly capable of enjoying myself without him. But when its a party celebrating love and includes dinner and slow dances, you bet your ass I'd rather spend it with him and will be envious of all of the people who were allowed to bring their SO.
Also, maybe it's just the extrovert in me, but I can make friends anywhere I go, so I see a wedding for friends of his who I don't know as an opportunity to befriend those same people. And when I'm in the majority group, I welcome the opportunity to befriend someone's SO I haven't met yet. Its only uncomfortable if people make it so.
So yeah, I don't care if you ask to or substitute your SO for someone else, but I damn well care if your invitation ignores my SO's very existence.
I always will issue invitations to people's SOs, but it is a huge PITA sometimes, especially if I have serious space and budget restrictions and I've either never met or can't stand the SOs or inviting them prevents me from inviting people I'm closer to, but I still have to invite them just because social units have to be invited together.
That doesn't sound like its an etiquette rule you don't mind if you're a guest, but rather as a host. I bet you'd be pissed if you or your SO were not invited to a wedding together, right?
To be honest, IDGAF about pretty much every etiquette rule (the list of rules I care about is significantly smaller than the ones I don't), but this is the only one I'll comment on at length.
I would completely understand and be fine if FH was not invited to a wedding with me, or vice versa. First of all, we are (shockingly!) capable of spending time apart from each other; being in a couple doesn't make us literally one person. We still have friends, interests, etc outside of one another. Second, but tying in to that, if your SO has a friend that you don't know all that well, why would you even want to go to their wedding? You won't know anyone but your SO, meaning you probably won't have a great time and neither will your SO. We have a good college friend who is bringing his GF, who we have never met (they met after college AND it's long distance, so we've never had the opportunity), to our wedding. While I'm excited to meet her, she's not going to know anybody else there but he will be reuniting with a large group of college friends. That puts both of them in awkward positions. If I was in the position of making a decision between going to a wedding of someone I'd never met or being away from a SO, I'd choose being away from SO.
FI and I very much have activities and lives outside of each other. He had a baseball season ticket package without me, my best friend and I have a weekly date night etc. However, the events we spend apart regularly and even not so regularly are not events focused on celebrating relationships. I'm perfectly capable of enjoying myself without him. But when its a party celebrating love and includes dinner and slow dances, you bet your ass I'd rather spend it with him and will be envious of all of the people who were allowed to bring their SO.
Also, maybe it's just the extrovert in me, but I can make friends anywhere I go, so I see a wedding for friends of his who I don't know as an opportunity to befriend those same people. And when I'm in the majority group, I welcome the opportunity to befriend someone's SO I haven't met yet. Its only uncomfortable if people make it so.
So yeah, I don't care if you ask to or substitute your SO for someone else, but I damn well care if your invitation ignores my SO's very existence.
Absolutely to the bolded. That's a great opportunity for her to meet all of his college friends! If they get serious and end up married, those will probably be people invited to her wedding.
You can have a good time at a wedding without knowing anyone. You have a beer or drink and talk to people or dance. By the time you leave you may have 20 new Facebook friends :P
@spatulahands I'm sorry for the visceral reaction to your post, I meant everything I said but my tone and reaction was based on your seemingly judgmental tone that people who disagree with you about this just can't be away from their SO's.
Its okay for *you* to be okay with that etiquette blunder, but don't assign motive to those of us who aren't.
Count me in as someone who is able to exist independently from my SO...but would still be insulted if I was excluded from a wedding invitation. It's a wedding. You're celebrating the union of two people. Why would you disrespect my relationship and expect me to celebrate yours?
My SO and I have gone to weddings on our own. We have our own interests, spend days and nights apart, and our comfortable in our own skin. But to not be invited to an event that's purely about drinking, dancing, and celebrating a relationship is a rude choice. I would choose to go to a wedding alone, but I wouldn't go to one that excluded him from the invitation.
I'm in camp "invite my SO by name." A month before our wedding, people we were inviting had their wedding. The bride went to school with my FI, and the invite was FI and guest. I was like, what the hell? Even if it was well-meaning, like if I couldn't attend he could sub someone else, it felt like a slight. It felt like he was unequivocally invited, but I was not. While sure, I wouldn't have gone without him, it didn't feel like we were treated as social unit and I was second class.
And I'm very introverted too. I don't particularly enjoy meeting new people. But, the first big social event I attended with my now-H was a wedding of his friends. Everyone was drinking and happy and outgoing and I had a great time, and many of the people I met that night were indeed guests at my wedding.
@spatulahands I'm sorry for the visceral reaction to your post, I meant everything I said but my tone and reaction was based on your seemingly judgmental tone that people who disagree with you about this just can't be away from their SO's.
Its okay for *you* to be okay with that etiquette blunder, but don't assign motive to those of us who aren't.
Thank you, but you shouldn't have to apologize. I definitely wrote in a very snarky way, which was unnecessary. The whole point of this thread is "our personal preferences"....I definitely came out a little bit too judgmental. My apologies as well.
I think there's also some interesting discussion on the motive of introvert vs extrovert...my opinions come from the point that, as an introvert/highly socially anxious person, I can't possibly imagine being comfortable in a scenario where I'm surrounded by people I don't know. Clearly, a lot of you would be excited to make new friends, which is awesome!
@spatulahands I'm sorry for the visceral reaction to your post, I meant everything I said but my tone and reaction was based on your seemingly judgmental tone that people who disagree with you about this just can't be away from their SO's.
Its okay for *you* to be okay with that etiquette blunder, but don't assign motive to those of us who aren't.
Thank you, but you shouldn't have to apologize. I definitely wrote in a very snarky way, which was unnecessary. The whole point of this thread is "our personal preferences"....I definitely came out a little bit too judgmental. My apologies as well.
I think there's also some interesting discussion on the motive of introvert vs extrovert...my opinions come from the point that, as an introvert/highly socially anxious person, I can't possibly imagine being comfortable in a scenario where I'm surrounded by people I don't know. Clearly, a lot of you would be excited to make new friends, which is awesome!
I'm an introvert, I'm shy about meeting new people, but not being invited as my DH's SO to a wedding is a big deal to me. While I think that for any social event, all social units should be invited, I think that a wedding is even more different from many other events, it's celebrating the relationship of a couple. An invite is not a summons, if you are not comfortable going/ don't want to go, then don't.
My DH and I were long distance for 6 years when we were in university. He made a great group of friends. I eventually moved to be with him. That first summer I moved, we were invited to the wedding of 2 of his friends. The wedding was the first time I met either the bride or the groom. I knew only one other of DH's friends. I thoroughly enjoyed the wedding; it was well hosted. I was introduced to DH's friends, but I still spent most of my time with DH.
Fast forward a few years, the B&G, plus the rest of DH's friend group from back then are now some of my closest friends.
Personally, I think that if someone is important enough to be invited as a guest, their SO is important enough too. Saying this, I realize some people have 300 guest weddings, where very extended family members, parents' friends, coworkers, etc are invited, so maybe the B&G don't care who the SOs are. But for myself, even if I could afford it, I would not want to invite that many guests to my wedding; I like a more personal affair (maybe because I'm an introvert?). Thus, when I think of my wedding guests, they were all important enough to me that I would want to at least say "hello!" to their SO.
@spatulahands I'm sorry for the visceral reaction to your post, I meant everything I said but my tone and reaction was based on your seemingly judgmental tone that people who disagree with you about this just can't be away from their SO's.
Its okay for *you* to be okay with that etiquette blunder, but don't assign motive to those of us who aren't.
Thank you, but you shouldn't have to apologize. I definitely wrote in a very snarky way, which was unnecessary. The whole point of this thread is "our personal preferences"....I definitely came out a little bit too judgmental. My apologies as well.
I think there's also some interesting discussion on the motive of introvert vs extrovert...my opinions come from the point that, as an introvert/highly socially anxious person, I can't possibly imagine being comfortable in a scenario where I'm surrounded by people I don't know. Clearly, a lot of you would be excited to make new friends, which is awesome!
I'm a pretty strong introvert too. There are social events I choose to pass up on if I've had a people-heavy week, or just if I'm not in the mood. But there's a difference between me deciding not to go to something (which I do often), and not being invited to something. Some things it's totally ok to exclude me from an invite. A wedding is not one of those things. Let me choose not to go if I don't want to, but if he's invited, I should be too.
I do think it is time that the etiquette gurus allow computer printed addressing on invitations. (NOT sticky labels, though!)
How is this not a thing already!?!?! It beats everyone's name getting cut off from the label...
Sorry, but etiquette authorities I respect say invitations should be hand addressed. I am waiting for someone (other than the Emily Post Institute, who has caved in to the wedding industry) to approve this.
I'm generally very laidback about having a problem with any others' wedding etiquette blunders at this stage in my life.
Particularly, I still have no problem with PPDs. If I would've accepted the first wedding invite, I'm happy that I have an opportunity to see it now. I suppose in my area/circles, people do these because otherwise they will have no wedding celebration, and they want to include people they care about, not because they want to spend gargantuan amounts of money and look like a princess. I might not spend quite as much money on a gift or will detain sending it, but I truly do not mind them. I wish a couple couples would have had one rather than skipped the wedding with me and others.
Also, I don't mind "guest" for my SO of six years and FI. I'm happy if that is written at all. I will only be upset when we're married. I cringe at the thought of brides having to ask around for my or others' obscure boyfriends' names.
That being said, I secretly wish people who are closer to him but care to invite me would just send me my own invitation, which isn't an etiquette requirement, especially when we know each other well. A) I want to keep a copy of your ininvitation. I cherish it. I never know when the invites have been mailed. FH can't be bothered with them. We always nearly, or last time did, miss the RSVP date. He can never find it to give me any of the info, and I'm always bugging him at the last minute to try to confirm details. I can't wait til we're married and they're also at my doorstep!
I do think it is time that the etiquette gurus allow computer printed addressing on invitations. (NOT sticky labels, though!)
How is this not a thing already!?!?! It beats everyone's name getting cut off from the label...
Sorry, but etiquette authorities I respect say invitations should be hand addressed. I am waiting for someone (other than the Emily Post Institute, who has caved in to the wedding industry) to approve this.
Printed address labels (even on sticky labels) don't bother me at all. I've seen a lot of people's handwriting. I would much rather be able to read it than try to decipher it (esp if I was a postal worker).
Anyway, my question is, why is this against etiquette? Is it a personalization issue? Honestly, it would take me much more time to set it up and I put it into the computer than to just hand write it (and I can have very nice writing if I choose to).
Full disclaimer - I was married 12 years ago. I used clear (I think, maybe they were white) stick labels. I didn't even know this was a thing. Not trying to justify my breech (I'm sure no one remembers I had computer printed stick labels, and it's not something I would worry about twelve plus years later), I'm genuinely curious.
I have explained the custom many times before. Personal mail was ALWAYS hand written, while business mail was often typed. Since wedding invitations are very personal, they should be handwritten. This is the standard etiquette line. I think it will soon be changing - I hope. When Miss Manners, approves, so will I. Sticky labels are for junk mail. They didn't have junk mail 100 years ago. Lucky them!
Little story about labels.. my mother and sister were planning my engagement party 2 years ago and asked me for some addresses. I typed them up in a word doc and gave them two pages of addresses. Didn't really think anything of it until we went over FIL's house and I saw the invitation and envelope... on the front of the envelope FIL's address was cut out from my word doc with tape around the sides. My face when:
Anyway, I feel like I almost always see computer printed addresses lately and they do not bother me at all.
Little story about labels.. my mother and sister were planning my engagement party 2 years ago and asked me for some addresses. I typed them up in a word doc and gave them two pages of addresses. Didn't really think anything of it until we went over FIL's house and I saw the invitation and envelope... on the front of the envelope FIL's address was cut out from my word doc with tape around the sides. My face when:
Anyway, I feel like I almost always see computer printed addresses lately and they do not bother me at all.
That is one common problem with labels: people's names and/or addresses get cut off, and you have to tinker with font size, spacing, indents, etc. in order to avoid any mistakes. I can do a mail merge in my sleep and have that down to a science, but I screw up too.
I don't think dry weddings are rude at all. If you are only coming to my wedding for the alcohol, I really should have thought through the guest list better. We will be having a dry wedding because a) we can't have alcohol at our wedding and b) my grandparents are super conservative and I'd rather have them feel comfortable. I also think that bringing a flask is rude, because to second a lot of other people, it could be dry because of a liquor licensing issue or for religious purposes. Unless you know for sure it is just because the couple is cutting costs, don't bring a flask.
I don't think gaps are rude. Obviously don't have like a 5 hour gap, but I don't think it is unreasonable to have a couple of hours in between the ceremony and reception to allow for photos. The guests know as soon as they receive their invitation if their is a gap and if they don't want to dedicate that much time, they are more than welcome to decline. Receiving a wedding invitation isn't jury duty, you have the choice of whether you want to go or not. I do like however, if there is going to be a gap, that the bride & groom provide activities and suggestions for what to do during the gap. We are going to have yard games and light refreshments at our venue, and we've also included directions to local attractions and shopping centers.
I don't think dry weddings are rude at all. If you are only coming to my wedding for the alcohol, I really should have thought through the guest list better. We will be having a dry wedding because a) we can't have alcohol at our wedding and b) my grandparents are super conservative and I'd rather have them feel comfortable. I also think that bringing a flask is rude, because to second a lot of other people, it could be dry because of a liquor licensing issue or for religious purposes. Unless you know for sure it is just because the couple is cutting costs, don't bring a flask.
I don't think gaps are rude. Obviously don't have like a 5 hour gap, but I don't think it is unreasonable to have a couple of hours in between the ceremony and reception to allow for photos. The guests know as soon as they receive their invitation if their is a gap and if they don't want to dedicate that much time, they are more than welcome to decline. Receiving a wedding invitation isn't jury duty, you have the choice of whether you want to go or not. I do like however, if there is going to be a gap, that the bride & groom provide activities and suggestions for what to do during the gap. We are going to have yard games and light refreshments at our venue, and we've also included directions to local attractions and shopping centers.
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I don't think dry weddings are rude at all. If you are only coming to my wedding for the alcohol, I really should have thought through the guest list better. We will be having a dry wedding because a) we can't have alcohol at our wedding and b) my grandparents are super conservative and I'd rather have them feel comfortable. I also think that bringing a flask is rude, because to second a lot of other people, it could be dry because of a liquor licensing issue or for religious purposes. Unless you know for sure it is just because the couple is cutting costs, don't bring a flask.
I don't think gaps are rude. Obviously don't have like a 5 hour gap, but I don't think it is unreasonable to have a couple of hours in between the ceremony and reception to allow for photos. The guests know as soon as they receive their invitation if their is a gap and if they don't want to dedicate that much time, they are more than welcome to decline. Receiving a wedding invitation isn't jury duty, you have the choice of whether you want to go or not. I do like however, if there is going to be a gap, that the bride & groom provide activities and suggestions for what to do during the gap. We are going to have yard games and light refreshments at our venue, and we've also included directions to local attractions and shopping centers.
What could you possibly need a couple hour gap for? What guest wants to go to the mall for a few hours in their wedding garb?
I don't think dry weddings are rude at all. If you are only coming to my wedding for the alcohol, I really should have thought through the guest list better. We will be having a dry wedding because a) we can't have alcohol at our wedding and b) my grandparents are super conservative and I'd rather have them feel comfortable. I also think that bringing a flask is rude, because to second a lot of other people, it could be dry because of a liquor licensing issue or for religious purposes. Unless you know for sure it is just because the couple is cutting costs, don't bring a flask.
I don't think gaps are rude. Obviously don't have like a 5 hour gap, but I don't think it is unreasonable to have a couple of hours in between the ceremony and reception to allow for photos. The guests know as soon as they receive their invitation if their is a gap and if they don't want to dedicate that much time, they are more than welcome to decline. Receiving a wedding invitation isn't jury duty, you have the choice of whether you want to go or not. I do like however, if there is going to be a gap, that the bride & groom provide activities and suggestions for what to do during the gap. We are going to have yard games and light refreshments at our venue, and we've also included directions to local attractions and shopping centers.
Flasks are rude no matter what. But if someone can't attend a party for a couple hours without taking to the bottle, there are bigger issues than etiquette.
Gaps are rude no matter what (unless it's a hosted gap, like a cocktail hour...HOUR, not two or three). Just because an invitation isn't akin to jury duty doesn't mean you have a free pass to violate wedding etiquette. Logic fail. That's like saying "our wedding will be during dinner time but we aren't serving dinner to save money, so bring a sack lunch. If you don't like it, decline." Or "we want to go to Tahiti for our HM so entry price for the wedding is $100/couple. Don't like it, decline." Or "we can't afford to invite spouses. Don't like it, decline." No, no, and no.
I don't think dry weddings are rude at all. If you are only coming to my wedding for the alcohol, I really should have thought through the guest list better. We will be having a dry wedding because a) we can't have alcohol at our wedding and b) my grandparents are super conservative and I'd rather have them feel comfortable. I also think that bringing a flask is rude, because to second a lot of other people, it could be dry because of a liquor licensing issue or for religious purposes. Unless you know for sure it is just because the couple is cutting costs, don't bring a flask.
I don't think gaps are rude. Obviously don't have like a 5 hour gap, but I don't think it is unreasonable to have a couple of hours in between the ceremony and reception to allow for photos. The guests know as soon as they receive their invitation if their is a gap and if they don't want to dedicate that much time, they are more than welcome to decline. Receiving a wedding invitation isn't jury duty, you have the choice of whether you want to go or not. I do like however, if there is going to be a gap, that the bride & groom provide activities and suggestions for what to do during the gap. We are going to have yard games and light refreshments at our venue, and we've also included directions to local attractions and shopping centers.
I feel like this post turns "etiquette rules that aren't my preference" into "ways I'm being rude to my guests, so it's totally ok if you do too!"
I don't think dry weddings are rude at all. If you are only coming to my wedding for the alcohol, I really should have thought through the guest list better. We will be having a dry wedding because a) we can't have alcohol at our wedding and b) my grandparents are super conservative and I'd rather have them feel comfortable. I also think that bringing a flask is rude, because to second a lot of other people, it could be dry because of a liquor licensing issue or for religious purposes. Unless you know for sure it is just because the couple is cutting costs, don't bring a flask.
I don't think gaps are rude. Obviously don't have like a 5 hour gap, but I don't think it is unreasonable to have a couple of hours in between the ceremony and reception to allow for photos. The guests know as soon as they receive their invitation if their is a gap and if they don't want to dedicate that much time, they are more than welcome to decline. Receiving a wedding invitation isn't jury duty, you have the choice of whether you want to go or not. I do like however, if there is going to be a gap, that the bride & groom provide activities and suggestions for what to do during the gap. We are going to have yard games and light refreshments at our venue, and we've also included directions to local attractions and shopping centers.
I feel like this post turns "etiquette rules that aren't my preference" into "ways I'm being rude to my guests, so it's totally ok if you do too!"
Did someone say dry weddings are rude? I thought we all agreed it's not rude at all. Although, like the OP I would prefer cash over dry. Of course, I will bitch about the cash bar, but I would like to drown my sorrows with a drink just the same
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
I don't think dry weddings are rude at all. If you are only coming to my wedding for the alcohol, I really should have thought through the guest list better. We will be having a dry wedding because a) we can't have alcohol at our wedding and b) my grandparents are super conservative and I'd rather have them feel comfortable. I also think that bringing a flask is rude, because to second a lot of other people, it could be dry because of a liquor licensing issue or for religious purposes. Unless you know for sure it is just because the couple is cutting costs, don't bring a flask.
I don't think gaps are rude. Obviously don't have like a 5 hour gap, but I don't think it is unreasonable to have a couple of hours in between the ceremony and reception to allow for photos. The guests know as soon as they receive their invitation if their is a gap and if they don't want to dedicate that much time, they are more than welcome to decline. Receiving a wedding invitation isn't jury duty, you have the choice of whether you want to go or not. I do like however, if there is going to be a gap, that the bride & groom provide activities and suggestions for what to do during the gap. We are going to have yard games and light refreshments at our venue, and we've also included directions to local attractions and shopping centers.
I feel like this post turns "etiquette rules that aren't my preference" into "ways I'm being rude to my guests, so it's totally ok if you do too!"
Sorry that my family's religious beliefs get in the way of your alcoholism
Re: Etiquette rules that aren't my preference
I do get that it is polite to acknowledge their existence and their couplehood, but I a) don't think it's necessary in every situation and b) would not take it as a sign of great offense to not be acknowledged.
Also, maybe it's just the extrovert in me, but I can make friends anywhere I go, so I see a wedding for friends of his who I don't know as an opportunity to befriend those same people. And when I'm in the majority group, I welcome the opportunity to befriend someone's SO I haven't met yet. Its only uncomfortable if people make it so.
So yeah, I don't care if you ask to or substitute your SO for someone else, but I damn well care if your invitation ignores my SO's very existence.
You can have a good time at a wedding without knowing anyone. You have a beer or drink and talk to people or dance. By the time you leave you may have 20 new Facebook friends :P
Its okay for *you* to be okay with that etiquette blunder, but don't assign motive to those of us who aren't.
My SO and I have gone to weddings on our own. We have our own interests, spend days and nights apart, and our comfortable in our own skin. But to not be invited to an event that's purely about drinking, dancing, and celebrating a relationship is a rude choice. I would choose to go to a wedding alone, but I wouldn't go to one that excluded him from the invitation.
And I'm very introverted too. I don't particularly enjoy meeting new people. But, the first big social event I attended with my now-H was a wedding of his friends. Everyone was drinking and happy and outgoing and I had a great time, and many of the people I met that night were indeed guests at my wedding.
I think there's also some interesting discussion on the motive of introvert vs extrovert...my opinions come from the point that, as an introvert/highly socially anxious person, I can't possibly imagine being comfortable in a scenario where I'm surrounded by people I don't know. Clearly, a lot of you would be excited to make new friends, which is awesome!
I'm an introvert, I'm shy about meeting new people, but not being invited as my DH's SO to a wedding is a big deal to me. While I think that for any social event, all social units should be invited, I think that a wedding is even more different from many other events, it's celebrating the relationship of a couple. An invite is not a summons, if you are not comfortable going/ don't want to go, then don't.
My DH and I were long distance for 6 years when we were in university. He made a great group of friends. I eventually moved to be with him. That first summer I moved, we were invited to the wedding of 2 of his friends. The wedding was the first time I met either the bride or the groom. I knew only one other of DH's friends. I thoroughly enjoyed the wedding; it was well hosted. I was introduced to DH's friends, but I still spent most of my time with DH.
Fast forward a few years, the B&G, plus the rest of DH's friend group from back then are now some of my closest friends.
Personally, I think that if someone is important enough to be invited as a guest, their SO is important enough too. Saying this, I realize some people have 300 guest weddings, where very extended family members, parents' friends, coworkers, etc are invited, so maybe the B&G don't care who the SOs are. But for myself, even if I could afford it, I would not want to invite that many guests to my wedding; I like a more personal affair (maybe because I'm an introvert?). Thus, when I think of my wedding guests, they were all important enough to me that I would want to at least say "hello!" to their SO.
Particularly, I still have no problem with PPDs. If I would've accepted the first wedding invite, I'm happy that I have an opportunity to see it now. I suppose in my area/circles, people do these because otherwise they will have no wedding celebration, and they want to include people they care about, not because they want to spend gargantuan amounts of money and look like a princess. I might not spend quite as much money on a gift or will detain sending it, but I truly do not mind them. I wish a couple couples would have had one rather than skipped the wedding with me and others.
Also, I don't mind "guest" for my SO of six years and FI. I'm happy if that is written at all. I will only be upset when we're married. I cringe at the thought of brides having to ask around for my or others' obscure boyfriends' names.
That being said, I secretly wish people who are closer to him but care to invite me would just send me my own invitation, which isn't an etiquette requirement, especially when we know each other well. A) I want to keep a copy of your ininvitation. I cherish it.
Anyway, my question is, why is this against etiquette? Is it a personalization issue? Honestly, it would take me much more time to set it up and I put it into the computer than to just hand write it (and I can have very nice writing if I choose to).
Full disclaimer - I was married 12 years ago. I used clear (I think, maybe they were white) stick labels. I didn't even know this was a thing. Not trying to justify my breech (I'm sure no one remembers I had computer printed stick labels, and it's not something I would worry about twelve plus years later), I'm genuinely curious.
Sticky labels are for junk mail. They didn't have junk mail 100 years ago. Lucky them!
Anyway, I feel like I almost always see computer printed addresses lately and they do not bother me at all.
I don't think dry weddings are rude at all. If you are only coming to my wedding for the alcohol, I really should have thought through the guest list better. We will be having a dry wedding because a) we can't have alcohol at our wedding and b) my grandparents are super conservative and I'd rather have them feel comfortable. I also think that bringing a flask is rude, because to second a lot of other people, it could be dry because of a liquor licensing issue or for religious purposes. Unless you know for sure it is just because the couple is cutting costs, don't bring a flask.
I don't think gaps are rude. Obviously don't have like a 5 hour gap, but I don't think it is unreasonable to have a couple of hours in between the ceremony and reception to allow for photos. The guests know as soon as they receive their invitation if their is a gap and if they don't want to dedicate that much time, they are more than welcome to decline. Receiving a wedding invitation isn't jury duty, you have the choice of whether you want to go or not. I do like however, if there is going to be a gap, that the bride & groom provide activities and suggestions for what to do during the gap. We are going to have yard games and light refreshments at our venue, and we've also included directions to local attractions and shopping centers.
Flasks are rude no matter what. But if someone can't attend a party for a couple hours without taking to the bottle, there are bigger issues than etiquette.
Gaps are rude no matter what (unless it's a hosted gap, like a cocktail hour...HOUR, not two or three). Just because an invitation isn't akin to jury duty doesn't mean you have a free pass to violate wedding etiquette. Logic fail. That's like saying "our wedding will be during dinner time but we aren't serving dinner to save money, so bring a sack lunch. If you don't like it, decline." Or "we want to go to Tahiti for our HM so entry price for the wedding is $100/couple. Don't like it, decline." Or "we can't afford to invite spouses. Don't like it, decline." No, no, and no.
We're seriously trying to help you. You can listen and learn something, or get defensive and look like a tool at your own wedding.
It's likely that none of us are attending so we won't give a rat's ass, but you might.
Sorry that my family's religious beliefs get in the way of your alcoholism
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Gaps are still rude. If you need more than an hour to take your pictures, then you are taking too many damn pictures.