FMIL and family attire worries....

Knottie1447802656 · May 2016

I am having a formal outdoor ceremony and reception in late October. My BM are wearing floor length lace dresses and I've asked my mother and FMIL to wear long dresses as well. Now, my FMIL's style of clothing is skin tight and very revealing. I am very concerned about what she is going to show up in. I realize she is a grown woman and can pick out her own clothes, but I don't want my fiance to be embarrassed and I don't want my wedding pictures to forever have her in an inappropriate dress. I don't know how to ask her nicely to send me a picture of an outfit before she buys it.
Also, my fiance's grandfather isn't one to go out of his way to dress up for any event. His idea of getting dressed up is going out to get a clean version of a shirt he already owns. And I understand that he can't afford a new suit, but, again, my attire is semi-formal. I feel like he would feel out of place the whole wedding if everyone is in cocktail attire and he is in jeans and a shirt. What is a good way to hint at the fact that I would like him to get a suit even it is from Goodwill?

ILoveBeachMusic · May 2016

You really shouldn't dictate the dress of adults who are not in your wedding party. I think you have nothing you can do with FMIL unless she asks you what you think of a particular dress she is considering. As far as the grandfather, don't sweat the small stuff. It really won't ruin your day if he shows up in jeans and a shirt. If he asks, you can say men will be wearing suits. FWIW, my DD was pretty controlling about what I wore, and I am still not happy about it.

pinupbride6189 · May 2016

Knottie1447802656 said:

I am having a formal outdoor ceremony and reception in late October. My BM are wearing floor length lace dresses and I've asked my mother and FMIL to wear long dresses as well. Now, my FMIL's style of clothing is skin tight and very revealing. I am very concerned about what she is going to show up in. I realize she is a grown woman and can pick out her own clothes, but I don't want my fiance to be embarrassed and I don't want my wedding pictures to forever have her in an inappropriate dress. I don't know how to ask her nicely to send me a picture of an outfit before she buys it.
Also, my fiance's grandfather isn't one to go out of his way to dress up for any event. His idea of getting dressed up is going out to get a clean version of a shirt he already owns. And I understand that he can't afford a new suit, but, again, my attire is semi-formal. I feel like he would feel out of place the whole wedding if everyone is in cocktail attire and he is in jeans and a shirt. What is a good way to hint at the fact that I would like him to get a suit even it is from Goodwill?

You can't think of a good way to ask her that because there really isn't one. Like you said, she's a grown woman and can dress herself. You really shouldn't have asked her to wear a long dress, even. She's not in the WP. In my experience, the best wedding pictures have happy people in them. People look happy when they feel awesome. And people don't feel awesome when they're not comfortable with what they're wearing. If she shows up wearing something crazy, it will reflect only on her, not you. The same goes for your FI's grandfather. It honestly doesn't really sound like he's the type to give a shit if he's under dressed, and you can't spend his money for him.

I guess the only thing you could really do would be to offer to go shopping with them for their outfits, but even so, you should let them pick something they like, not something that fits your vision and turns them into photo props.

kimmiinthemitten · May 2016

I agree with PP. Soneone could show up in Lady Gagas cage dress from Sunday's BBMAs and it will still have zero effect one your day (unless you allow it to, which is quite silly).

Let your soon to be in laws wear what makes them feel good so they can enjoy your wedding also.

OurWildKingdom · May 2016

kimmiinthemitten said:

I agree with PP. Soneone could show up in Lady Gagas cage dress from Sunday's BBMAs and it will still have zero effect one your day (unless you allow it to, which is quite silly).

Let your soon to be in laws wear what makes them feel good so they can enjoy your wedding also.

Ok, I can't post a pic from my phone, but I did a Google Images search, and holy crap!

kimmiinthemitten · May 2016

Here you go:

OurWildKingdom · May 2016

Wow, that might steal the show a tiny bit . . .

CMGragain · May 2016

"I am having a formal outdoor ceremony and reception in late October. My BM are wearing floor length lace dresses and I've asked my mother and FMIL to wear long dresses as well. Now, my FMIL's style of clothing is skin tight and very revealing. I am very concerned about what she is going to show up in. I realize she is a grown woman and can pick out her own clothes, but I don't want my fiance to be embarrassed and I don't want my wedding pictures to forever have her in an inappropriate dress. I don't know how to ask her nicely to send me a picture of an outfit before she buys it.
Also, my fiance's grandfather isn't one to go out of his way to dress up for any event. His idea of getting dressed up is going out to get a clean version of a shirt he already owns. And I understand that he can't afford a new suit, but, again, my attire is semi-formal. I feel like he would feel out of place the whole wedding if everyone is in cocktail attire and he is in jeans and a shirt. What is a good way to hint at the fact that I would like him to get a suit even it is from Goodwill? "

Your future in-laws' feelings are more important than your wedding pictures. Get your priorities straight.
It would be very rude of you to question what your future family members wear to your wedding. Your post makes you sound very superficial and selfish.

bleve0821 · May 2016

pinupbride6189 said:

Knottie1447802656 said:

I am having a formal outdoor ceremony and reception in late October. My BM are wearing floor length lace dresses and I've asked my mother and FMIL to wear long dresses as well. Now, my FMIL's style of clothing is skin tight and very revealing. I am very concerned about what she is going to show up in. I realize she is a grown woman and can pick out her own clothes, but I don't want my fiance to be embarrassed and I don't want my wedding pictures to forever have her in an inappropriate dress. I don't know how to ask her nicely to send me a picture of an outfit before she buys it.
Also, my fiance's grandfather isn't one to go out of his way to dress up for any event. His idea of getting dressed up is going out to get a clean version of a shirt he already owns. And I understand that he can't afford a new suit, but, again, my attire is semi-formal. I feel like he would feel out of place the whole wedding if everyone is in cocktail attire and he is in jeans and a shirt. What is a good way to hint at the fact that I would like him to get a suit even it is from Goodwill?

You can't think of a good way to ask her that because there really isn't one. Like you said, she's a grown woman and can dress herself. You really shouldn't have asked her to wear a long dress, even. She's not in the WP. In my experience, the best wedding pictures have happy people in them. People look happy when they feel awesome. And people don't feel awesome when they're not comfortable with what they're wearing. If she shows up wearing something crazy, it will reflect only on her, not you. The same goes for your FI's grandfather. It honestly doesn't really sound like he's the type to give a shit if he's under dressed, and you can't spend his money for him.

I guess the only thing you could really do would be to offer to go shopping with them for their outfits, but even so, you should let them pick something they like, not something that fits your vision and turns them into photo props.

Truth.

I got married 3 weeks ago, and I barely remember what my mother wore, let alone what my MIL wore. They picked what they wanted to wear, and they both looked gorgeous (do remember that) and HAPPY. I didn't know my mother could look so radiant. We had a guy show up wearing cargo shorts and an untucked polo, and yeah, I noticed because he looked out of place walking to his seat, but if I hadn't been looking out the window down to the ceremony space at that exact moment in time, I never would have known. He didn't feel out of place at all.

Don't dictate, don't demand, don't even ask to see what they pick out. Let them be the adults that they are and make the adult decisions they've been making since before you were born. Your vision isn't more important than their comfort or confidence.

Think about it this way. One day, when these mothers (and grandfather) have passed on, you'll pull out your wedding photos. Will you smile because they look happy and beautiful (handsome) in your pictures, maybe have a laugh with your engaged daughter about how MIL looked like Lady Gaga? Or will you feel that pang of guilt at having dictated what they should wear for the sake of a handful of pictures? Because if they are uncomfortable, it will show.

MobKaz · May 2016

Knottie1447802656 said:

I am having a formal outdoor ceremony and reception in late October. My BM are wearing floor length lace dresses and I've asked my mother and FMIL to wear long dresses as well. Now, my FMIL's style of clothing is skin tight and very revealing. I am very concerned about what she is going to show up in. I realize she is a grown woman and can pick out her own clothes, but I don't want my fiance to be embarrassed and I don't want my wedding pictures to forever have her in an inappropriate dress. I don't know how to ask her nicely to send me a picture of an outfit before she buys it.
Also, my fiance's grandfather isn't one to go out of his way to dress up for any event. His idea of getting dressed up is going out to get a clean version of a shirt he already owns. And I understand that he can't afford a new suit, but, again, my attire is semi-formal. I feel like he would feel out of place the whole wedding if everyone is in cocktail attire and he is in jeans and a shirt. What is a good way to hint at the fact that I would like him to get a suit even it is from Goodwill?

You have a habit of being inside the head of other's. How do you know your FI will be embarrassed? How do you know your FI's grandfather will feel out of place? Honestly, with the additional comment about shopping at Goodwill, I think it's YOUR snobbery showing more than their embarrassment.

charlotte989875 · May 2016

Adults can dress themselves how they see fit. If people ask for your input it's fine to tell them how you, the WP, your FI will be dressed but even then it's still not ok to tell people how to dress (unless there is a venue-imposed dress code; I.e, jackets and ties must be worn, shoulders covered in churches etc). Honestly, just try and let these things go.

climbingsingle · May 2016

1. There is no such thing as semi-formal. That's not a real dress code. It's made up.

2. Stop trying to dictate to people what they can wear. You said it yourself - they are adults. STOP. You shouldn't have even told them to wear long dresses.

3. If you look back on your wedding pics 10 years from now and are angry about what your MIL wore, you might need to reassess your priorities.

SavageTeach · May 2016

Long-time lurker here but this made me laugh because I had a friend in college who had a similar experience:

A (now-divorced) friend of mine had a rather difficult MIL. At her wedding ceremony she wore a very appropriate and flattering gold ensemble. She then changed for the reception into a full-length, skin tight, mermaid, strapless, white prom dress (it had some black lace but STILL...). She looked ridiculous but it made her happy and nobody thought badly of my friend (the bride) they just rolled their eyes at this woman and chalked it up to her usual attention-seeking ways (she also sang "I Don't Know How to Love Him" during one part of the reception lol).

I wouldn't worry too much about it, let her do what she wants, if she looks terrible it reflects on her. I don't think it is worth the headache. Most of the pictures you will display will probably be you and DH anyway.

bohobrideCA · May 2016

I really hope you came here to vent and you didn't express these "concerns" to your fiancé. These people are his family. If my FI told me he was scared that my mom would dress so badly it would embarrass me and ruin the photos and my grandfather was going to look like a slob I'd be crushed and I would really question his priorities and character.
I'm not trying to shame you, family is a very sensitive subject for most people. What you can say about your own family does not open the door for others. Even if your FI has brought up his mother's attire in the past, it can still really hurt hearing it from you.

banana468 · May 2016

Knottie1447802656 said:

I am having a formal outdoor ceremony and reception in late October. My BM are wearing floor length lace dresses and I've asked my mother and FMIL to wear long dresses as well. Now, my FMIL's style of clothing is skin tight and very revealing. I am very concerned about what she is going to show up in. I realize she is a grown woman and can pick out her own clothes, but I don't want my fiance to be embarrassed and I don't want my wedding pictures to forever have her in an inappropriate dress. I don't know how to ask her nicely to send me a picture of an outfit before she buys it.
Also, my fiance's grandfather isn't one to go out of his way to dress up for any event. His idea of getting dressed up is going out to get a clean version of a shirt he already owns. And I understand that he can't afford a new suit, but, again, my attire is semi-formal. I feel like he would feel out of place the whole wedding if everyone is in cocktail attire and he is in jeans and a shirt. What is a good way to hint at the fact that I would like him to get a suit even it is from Goodwill?

So you picked an event type that may not be best-suited towards some key family members of your FI and you're trying to force them to be people that they aren't so your pictures look pretty?

You're contradicting yourself in your attire as well. Is it a formal or semi-formal? Khakis and a shirt with buttons pass for a semi-formal (which isn't really a thing).

madamerwin · May 2016

I agree with everything PPs have said, but I wanted to reiterate: It is not appropriate to dictate what your guests wear, and it is not okay to put a dress code on your invitations/wedding website/whatever, unless you are having a true black-tie affair (which you are not, I guarantee). Semi-formal is a made up term.

You can tell your bridal party what to wear, as long as you ask for their budgets ahead of time and work within the lowest budget. Beyond that, you do not dress adults or make them purchase special clothes for your wedding.

FWIW, we had people in all kinds of attire at our wedding, from suits and long dresses, to cargo shorts and polo shirts. My preteen nephews changed out of their slacks and button downs right after the ceremony, and wore basketball shorts and hoodies during the reception. I did not notice during the reception - it was only afterwards, looking at the photos, that I noticed. And the photos were all great, because everyone looked happy and comfortable.

OliveOilsMom · May 2016

We have a long gone poster here who had her FIL show up to their wedding in jean overalls. Why? Because that is what he wore everyday and she told him to wear whatever makes him feel comfortable. She loved it because that was who her FIL was and she accepted him that way. She even once posted a picture of herself, her H, and FIL at the wedding and all 3 looked happy!

Forget about what your FMIL and FGFIL will wear. They will look happy and that is all that matters.

OurWildKingdom · May 2016

OliveOilsMom said:

We have a long gone poster here who had her FIL show up to their wedding in jean overalls. Why? Because that is what he wore everyday and she told him to wear whatever makes him feel comfortable. She loved it because that was who her FIL was and she accepted him that way. She even once posted a picture of herself, her H, and FIL at the wedding and all 3 looked happy!
Forget about what your FMIL and FGFIL will wear. They will look happy and that is all that matters.

I expect my uncle (my Dad's older brother) to show up in a western shirt, jeans, and cowboy boots. I'm totally cool with that. The only person whose attire I'm remotely worried about is my cousin who's one of my BMs, but if she shows up showered, with clean hair, wearing something other than her work uniform, I'll be grateful. (Even if she shows up in her work uniform, it'll be OK; her vest is blue.)

kmmssg · May 2016

OliveOilsMom said:

We have a long gone poster here who had her FIL show up to their wedding in jean overalls. Why? Because that is what he wore everyday and she told him to wear whatever makes him feel comfortable. She loved it because that was who her FIL was and she accepted him that way. She even once posted a picture of herself, her H, and FIL at the wedding and all 3 looked happy!
Forget about what your FMIL and FGFIL will wear. They will look happy and that is all that matters.

I also remember that same bride - her FIL also wore jean overalls to his wife's wedding. It was who he was and that was good enough for the bride. she loved him.

hyechica81 · May 2016

you cant dictate what people wear, and the only dress code that can be dictated at weddings is when its a black tie affair then its tuxes and long gowns.

if you are so worried take your mil shopping spend the day looking at dresses let her pick out ones to try on and you can throw in a few as well

just because fil wears shirts and jeans does not mean he will show up in shirts and jeans. my husband never dresses up he's always in polos, non button down shirts and jeans. as for weddings or special occasions he will dress up in a nice button down or polo, dress pants or dressy khakis and dress shoes

MandTFebruary62011 · May 2016

I was in a wedding several years ago now where the groom's mother wore a mini skirt and a crochet halter top. She looked pretty ridiculous but it didn't change their wedding. She was comfortable, the bride and groom got married and had a great day and didn't let it bother them. Other guests noticed and made comments about how it was inappropriate to each other - which fell only on her.

It won't affect you what they wear so don't let it bother you. If she shows up wearing something scandalous it will reflect poorly on her and not on you even a little. If your groom is worried about this, say the same thing to him.

kmmssg · May 2016

kmmssg said:

OliveOilsMom said:

We have a long gone poster here who had her FIL show up to their wedding in jean overalls. Why? Because that is what he wore everyday and she told him to wear whatever makes him feel comfortable. She loved it because that was who her FIL was and she accepted him that way. She even once posted a picture of herself, her H, and FIL at the wedding and all 3 looked happy!
Forget about what your FMIL and FGFIL will wear. They will look happy and that is all that matters.

I also remember that same bride - her FIL also wore jean overalls to his wife's wedding. It was who he was and that was good enough for the bride. she loved him.

Dammit I am an idiot. he wore the jean overalls to his wife's FUNERAL

MesmrEwe · May 2016

kmmssg said:

kmmssg said:

OliveOilsMom said:

We have a long gone poster here who had her FIL show up to their wedding in jean overalls. Why? Because that is what he wore everyday and she told him to wear whatever makes him feel comfortable. She loved it because that was who her FIL was and she accepted him that way. She even once posted a picture of herself, her H, and FIL at the wedding and all 3 looked happy!
Forget about what your FMIL and FGFIL will wear. They will look happy and that is all that matters.

I also remember that same bride - her FIL also wore jean overalls to his wife's wedding. It was who he was and that was good enough for the bride. she loved him.

Dammit I am an idiot. he wore the jean overalls to his wife's FUNERAL

Remembering the outfit my MIL wore to my LFIL's funeral - it's a reminder - the more important detail is that they're THERE, not what the wear!

pinupbride6189 · May 2016

Just chiming in on this one again to say that my GFIL wore a white dinner jacket tux to my afternoon garden wedding about a month ago. I thought it was odd (as did a few other people), but shrugged it off figuring it was just an attention seeking measure, as he's the type to do such things. Well, I just found out this past weekend that he was upset that no one caught on that he had come dressed as Bruce Wayne, which he had done because we put Batman stamps on our invitation envelopes. He may be ridiculous, but again, his narcissism and attention seeking reflects poorly only on him, as it will only reflect poorly on your FMIL if she decides to wear something more 'off beat.'

ETF: words

downtondiva · May 2016

If your guests notice your future in-laws' inappropriate attire and bother to comment on it to each other, they'll say things like "The groom's mother is too old for a dress like that" or "Couldn't he have dressed up more for his grandson's wedding?" Notice that neither of these is a criticism of you. It will be a point of interest for your guests and nothing more - certainly not anything that would detract from their enjoyment of the day.

This is one of those details that is ultimately beyond your control, and it will not reflect poorly on you if your FMIL wears something too tight or your FI's grandfather wears something too casual. Stop worrying about it.

JediElizabeth · May 2016

pinupbride6189 said:

Just chiming in on this one again to say that my GFIL wore a white dinner jacket tux to my afternoon garden wedding about a month ago. I thought it was odd (as did a few other people), but shrugged it off figuring it was just an attention seeking measure, as he's the type to do such things. Well, I just found out this past weekend that he was upset that no one caught on that he had come dressed as Bruce Wayne, which he had done because we put Batman stamps on our invitation envelopes. He may be ridiculous, but again, his narcissism and attention seeking reflects poorly only on him, as it will only reflect poorly on your FMIL if she decides to wear something more 'off beat.'

ETF: words

Was he 'throwing a fit' type upset? There must be more to the story, because this sounds adorable and indulgent, not narcissistic. In my family, we probably wouldn't get the Bruce Wayne thing either, but we'd laugh and take it in stride if one of our parents or grandparents wanted to get into the theme like that.

southernbelle0915 · May 2016

So your FMIL wears a revealing dress to her kid's wedding...so what? Sounds like it's her MO and the family probably expects it. It'll only make her look....like her. No affect on you or your FI whatsoever.

Your comments about your FI's grandpa made me really sad. I'm picturing this broke, kind, old man just glad to be alive and attending his grandson's wedding. He plans to dress up in the best he's got and here's this girl telling him it's not good enough for her precious photos.

Get ahold of yourself.

ETA: I have no idea what most of my guests wore the day of. I was too busy and happy to be married to give a shit. Hopefully you can find that place before you burn bridges with your new family.

lovesclimbing · May 2016

I remember having brief thoughts about H's families' attire. More than three years post wedding, H occasionally says he feels a bit embarrassed about his family because they are kind of "redneck" (his word). His mom and sister don't really dress up that much and have old 80's and 90's-style hair (big curly bangs) and wear high-waisted loose jeans and such.

But I would never dream of saying anything about it. On our wedding day, his whole family showed up in perfectly appropriate attire. His mom wore a skirt and top and his sister wore a nice dress and his dad was even in a tie! But even if they had showed up in jeans or whatever (his mom and sister wore their hair down with those crazy bangs!!), it wouldn't have mattered.

Please don't tell them what to wear.

pinupbride6189 · May 2016

JediElizabeth said:

pinupbride6189 said:

Just chiming in on this one again to say that my GFIL wore a white dinner jacket tux to my afternoon garden wedding about a month ago. I thought it was odd (as did a few other people), but shrugged it off figuring it was just an attention seeking measure, as he's the type to do such things. Well, I just found out this past weekend that he was upset that no one caught on that he had come dressed as Bruce Wayne, which he had done because we put Batman stamps on our invitation envelopes. He may be ridiculous, but again, his narcissism and attention seeking reflects poorly only on him, as it will only reflect poorly on your FMIL if she decides to wear something more 'off beat.'

ETF: words

Was he 'throwing a fit' type upset? There must be more to the story, because this sounds adorable and indulgent, not narcissistic. In my family, we probably wouldn't get the Bruce Wayne thing either, but we'd laugh and take it in stride if one of our parents or grandparents wanted to get into the theme like that.

There's definitely more to the story. You're right, honestly, if it were literally anyone else, it would have been cute and funny. But this guy's other habits include using racist and misogynistic language on a regular basis, bragging about illegally denying rental applications for property he owns because he doesn't want to rent to 'certain demographics' and then lying to the applicants and saying he legally can't discuss why it was denied, calling H sexist names, telling MIL that she's not smart enough for science (she has a microbiology degree and works in her field), and generally being a dick to children. Oh. And telling us we were ridiculous and immature for using said batman stamps.

JediElizabeth · June 2016

pinupbride6189 said:

JediElizabeth said:

pinupbride6189 said:

Just chiming in on this one again to say that my GFIL wore a white dinner jacket tux to my afternoon garden wedding about a month ago. I thought it was odd (as did a few other people), but shrugged it off figuring it was just an attention seeking measure, as he's the type to do such things. Well, I just found out this past weekend that he was upset that no one caught on that he had come dressed as Bruce Wayne, which he had done because we put Batman stamps on our invitation envelopes. He may be ridiculous, but again, his narcissism and attention seeking reflects poorly only on him, as it will only reflect poorly on your FMIL if she decides to wear something more 'off beat.'

ETF: words

Was he 'throwing a fit' type upset? There must be more to the story, because this sounds adorable and indulgent, not narcissistic. In my family, we probably wouldn't get the Bruce Wayne thing either, but we'd laugh and take it in stride if one of our parents or grandparents wanted to get into the theme like that.

There's definitely more to the story. You're right, honestly, if it were literally anyone else, it would have been cute and funny. But this guy's other habits include using racist and misogynistic language on a regular basis, bragging about illegally denying rental applications for property he owns because he doesn't want to rent to 'certain demographics' and then lying to the applicants and saying he legally can't discuss why it was denied, calling H sexist names, telling MIL that she's not smart enough for science (she has a microbiology degree and works in her field), and generally being a dick to children. Oh. And telling us we were ridiculous and immature for using said batman stamps.

Oi.

I figured. He sounds like the reason people say you can't choose your family. Or your spouse's family. o.O

pinupbride6189 · June 2016

JediElizabeth said:

pinupbride6189 said:

JediElizabeth said:

pinupbride6189 said:

Just chiming in on this one again to say that my GFIL wore a white dinner jacket tux to my afternoon garden wedding about a month ago. I thought it was odd (as did a few other people), but shrugged it off figuring it was just an attention seeking measure, as he's the type to do such things. Well, I just found out this past weekend that he was upset that no one caught on that he had come dressed as Bruce Wayne, which he had done because we put Batman stamps on our invitation envelopes. He may be ridiculous, but again, his narcissism and attention seeking reflects poorly only on him, as it will only reflect poorly on your FMIL if she decides to wear something more 'off beat.'

ETF: words

Was he 'throwing a fit' type upset? There must be more to the story, because this sounds adorable and indulgent, not narcissistic. In my family, we probably wouldn't get the Bruce Wayne thing either, but we'd laugh and take it in stride if one of our parents or grandparents wanted to get into the theme like that.

There's definitely more to the story. You're right, honestly, if it were literally anyone else, it would have been cute and funny. But this guy's other habits include using racist and misogynistic language on a regular basis, bragging about illegally denying rental applications for property he owns because he doesn't want to rent to 'certain demographics' and then lying to the applicants and saying he legally can't discuss why it was denied, calling H sexist names, telling MIL that she's not smart enough for science (she has a microbiology degree and works in her field), and generally being a dick to children. Oh. And telling us we were ridiculous and immature for using said batman stamps.

Oi.

I figured. He sounds like the reason people say you can't choose your family. Or your spouse's family. o.O

He's exactly that guy. FIL (his son) claims that he's part of an abandoned government experiment, because there's no way they're actually related (FIL is a fantastic human being).

FMIL and family attire worries....

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