FMIL Engagement/Wedding Shower

emilyrenee90 · May 2016

So my FMIL wanted to throw us an engagement party/wedding shower open house the first weekend in June for our August wedding. She did the same thing for my FBIL and his Fiancé who live out of state back in November for their June wedding. My sister (also my MOH) and my mom both got a little upset when they, along with my dad, were the only people on my side of the family to be invited, other than my mom's deceased uncle's long time live in girlfriend who lives right down the street from FIL's house. My sister also went as far as saying she wasn't inviting anyone from his side to the bridal shower she was throwing for me then.

Well the live in girlfriend called my aunts to see if they were going and let the cat out of the bag. FMIL said to invite my aunts by word of mouth or explain that it was mostly just a party for his side of the family and live in girlfriend was invited because she lives right down the street and they know her. My mom was upset so I said just invite them in an attempt to smooth everything over.

I was making some changes to our Amazon registry and noticed that some items had just been purchased and didn't recognize the name of the purchaser. I asked him if he knew who it was and he said it was someone who used to go to church with his parents... RED FLAG! I then said we didn't invite them to the wedding and he said I know. I then told him how that is so not okay and you aren't supposed to invite people to pre-wedding parties if they aren't invited to the wedding and he said he knew that. Now I'm afraid that this whole party is a bunch of people we told her she couldn't invite to the wedding.

I don't even know what to do. I told him to call his mom and find out who all she invited to this party. I can't believe she would invite all the people we cut from the wedding guest list, who we cut because I've never met them in the 8 years we've been together and he hasn't seen for probably 10 years.

Tyvm · May 2016

emilyrenee90 said:

So my FMIL wanted to throw us an engagement party/wedding shower open house the first weekend in June for our August wedding. She did the same thing for my FBIL and his Fiancé who live out of state back in November for their June wedding. My sister (also my MOH) and my mom both got a little upset when they, along with my dad, were the only people on my side of the family to be invited, other than my mom's deceased uncle's long time live in girlfriend who lives right down the street from FIL's house. My sister also went as far as saying she wasn't inviting anyone from his side to the bridal shower she was throwing for me then.
Well the live in girlfriend called my aunts to see if they were going and let the cat out of the bag. FMIL said to invite my aunts by word of mouth or explain that it was mostly just a party for his side of the family and live in girlfriend was invited because she lives right down the street and they know her. My mom was upset so I said just invite them in an attempt to smooth everything over.
I was making some changes to our Amazon registry and noticed that some items had just been purchased and didn't recognize the name of the purchaser. I asked him if he knew who it was and he said it was someone who used to go to church with his parents... RED FLAG! I then said we didn't invite them to the wedding and he said I know. I then told him how that is so not okay and you aren't supposed to invite people to pre-wedding parties if they aren't invited to the wedding and he said he knew that. Now I'm afraid that this whole party is a bunch of people we told her she couldn't invite to the wedding.
I don't even know what to do. I told him to call his mom and find out who all she invited to this party. I can't believe she would invite all the people we cut from the wedding guest list, who we cut because I've never met them in the 8 years we've been together and he hasn't seen for probably 10 years.

Attempted summary: Your sister is hosting a bridal shower for you, and out of spite has not invited most of your future-in-laws to it? Some un-invitees found out, and you permitted your FMIL to invite by word-of-mouth a bunch of her side of the family to a bridal shower being thrown by your sister? And FMIL didn't ask for your wedding guest list, so she just word-of-mouth invited whoever she liked to your sister-hosted bridal shower? Is that right?

Your FI needs to call your mother, find out EVERYONE she invited to the sister-hosted-shower, then he needs to find the people who are not on the guest list...and tell your FMIL that these people are not invited to the wedding, and should never have been invited to any wedding-related shower or party. SHARE THE WEDDING GUEST LIST WITH YOUR IN-LAWS. NOW.

I'm not sure you can uninvite these people to the shower...Maybe FMIL can uninvite them, or you can play ignorant and pretend you didn't remember to send them an invite?

Hindsight is 20/20, but now you know your FMIL will overstep boundaries...

emilyrenee90 · May 2016

We gave FMIL the final guest list so she knew exactly who we were inviting to the wedding. She gave my sister a list of people she wanted invited to the bridal shower that my sister was throwing so my sister could send out the invites. She never asked for a list of people for the engagement party she was throwing, and left out everyone from my side of the family except my parents and sister.

When my mom was confronted by my aunts I told his mom they found out about it from the live in girlfriend and she gave permission to invite my aunts by word of mouth then the next day said to just tell them the party is really just for his side of the family.

When my sister found out that's when she said she wasn't inviting anyone from his mother's list to the bridal shower she was having (she is a spiteful bitch). As far as I know she hasn't really done any planning or sent invitations for this shower out yet.

He said he is going to talk with his mother about this and attempt to find out what the hell is going on but I haven't heard anything back from him about it yet.

I'm wondering if maybe this party is just all the people we cut and that's why she wanted everyone to be invited to my sister's shower.

emilyrenee90 · May 2016

Basically it's all a clusterfuck of etiquette no-nos and drama that I'm stuck in the middle of...

SP29 · May 2016

Tyvm said:

emilyrenee90 said:

So my FMIL wanted to throw us an engagement party/wedding shower open house the first weekend in June for our August wedding. She did the same thing for my FBIL and his Fiancé who live out of state back in November for their June wedding. My sister (also my MOH) and my mom both got a little upset when they, along with my dad, were the only people on my side of the family to be invited, other than my mom's deceased uncle's long time live in girlfriend who lives right down the street from FIL's house. My sister also went as far as saying she wasn't inviting anyone from his side to the bridal shower she was throwing for me then.
Well the live in girlfriend called my aunts to see if they were going and let the cat out of the bag. FMIL said to invite my aunts by word of mouth or explain that it was mostly just a party for his side of the family and live in girlfriend was invited because she lives right down the street and they know her. My mom was upset so I said just invite them in an attempt to smooth everything over.
I was making some changes to our Amazon registry and noticed that some items had just been purchased and didn't recognize the name of the purchaser. I asked him if he knew who it was and he said it was someone who used to go to church with his parents... RED FLAG! I then said we didn't invite them to the wedding and he said I know. I then told him how that is so not okay and you aren't supposed to invite people to pre-wedding parties if they aren't invited to the wedding and he said he knew that. Now I'm afraid that this whole party is a bunch of people we told her she couldn't invite to the wedding.
I don't even know what to do. I told him to call his mom and find out who all she invited to this party. I can't believe she would invite all the people we cut from the wedding guest list, who we cut because I've never met them in the 8 years we've been together and he hasn't seen for probably 10 years.

Attempted summary: Your sister is hosting a bridal shower for you, and out of spite has not invited most of your future-in-laws to it? Some un-invitees found out, and you permitted your FMIL to invite by word-of-mouth a bunch of her side of the family to a bridal shower being thrown by your sister? And FMIL didn't ask for your wedding guest list, so she just word-of-mouth invited whoever she liked to your sister-hosted bridal shower? Is that right?

Not quite. FMIL wants to host a shower of sorts and bride's sister is already hosting a shower. FMIL appears to be inviting only from her side of the family, plus a bunch of her extended friends/acquaintances who are not invited to the wedding. Bride's sister and her family and peeved FMIL hasn't invited any of their side to the party FMIL is hosting.

Your FI needs to call your mother, find out EVERYONE she invited to the sister-hosted-shower, then he needs to find the people who are not on the guest list...and tell your FMIL that these people are not invited to the wedding, and should never have been invited to any wedding-related shower or party. SHARE THE WEDDING GUEST LIST WITH YOUR IN-LAWS. NOW.

I'm not sure you can uninvite these people to the shower...Maybe FMIL can uninvite them, or you can play ignorant and pretend you didn't remember to send them an invite?

Hindsight is 20/20, but now you know your FMIL will overstep boundaries...

OP- Yes, any guest invited to a pre-wedding party must be invited to the wedding, but not every guest invited to the wedding needs to be invited to a pre-wedding party.

It is also tacky to invite the same guests to multiple showers, with the exception being immediate family and the WP (but they are not expected to bring gifts to all); it's a courtesy.

FMIL needs to figure out if she's hosting an engagement party (although hosting it 2 months before you wedding seems like the moment has passed) or a shower. Engagement parties are generally not gift giving events, where as showers are. Guests need to know what sort of party they are attending. If it's a general, "come hang out and celebrate the upcoming wedding of my son and daughter in law!" that is fine too, but the invite wording needs to be clear (aka. no mention of the word "shower"). If the latter is the case, guests can be invited to multiple gift giving parties.

Your sister should continue to host the shower she has planned with the guest list she is able to accommodate. I don't think she has the right to be pissed at your FMIL. This is a party your FMIL has offered to host- the guest list is hers to decide (minus inviting people not invited to the wedding). Since it is your wedding, it would be nice if she asked who you'd like to see invited (generally the bride would give a guest list to the host, based on the number the host can accommodate), but it is perfectly acceptable that your FMIL wishes to throw a party that includes mostly her side of the family.

As for the "additional" guests, I would have FI talk to her ASAP and let her know you are both uncomfortable with guests being invited to this party if they aren't being invited to the wedding. FI can ask her to un-invite these people, and it's on her to explain why. At the end of the day though, FMIL is the host, so I don't think it is on the bride and groom to accommodate these extra guests at the wedding because someone else incorrectly invited them to a party. It's up to FMIL to explain the situation.

emilyrenee90 · May 2016

here is the invitation for the engagement party/wedding shower.

emilyrenee90 · May 2016

Here is the "registry information on back" stuff with the link to our wedding website... insert face palm to using website instead of just saying registered at these stores...

Tyvm · May 2016

As for the "additional" guests, I would have FI talk to her ASAP and let her know you are both uncomfortable with guests being invited to this party if they aren't being invited to the wedding. FI can ask her to un-invite these people, and it's on her to explain why. At the end of the day though, FMIL is the host, so I don't think it is on the bride and groom to accommodate these extra guests at the wedding because someone else incorrectly invited them to a party. It's up to FMIL to explain the situation.

I would go with @SP29 on this.

Your sister should continue to host the shower she has planned with the guest list she is able to accommodate.

Yes, to this, too. Your sister is the host, and she can only accommodate so many people. Guests should not [generally] be invited to two showers (too gift grabby), so she is in the right to set the guest list that she can handle (provided all guests are invited to the wedding, too).

@emilyrenee90 I think the "Engagement/Wedding Shower Open House" and "Registry info on back" on the party invites basically makes it known this is a gift-giving shower. It is appropriate to include registry information on SHOWER invitations (not wedding invitations). So looks like FMIL is doing okay on that.

Note: You might want to consider blocking out your names and the registry info so you can stay semi-anonymous.

SP29 · May 2016

It is perfectly fine to include registry information on a shower invitation, as that is the purpose of the shower.

What I don't like is that the invitation states "Engagement party/ shower open house"- well which is it!?!? :P.

As for the shower your sister is hosting- did she ask your FMIL for a list of people she'd like to see invited? If your sister offered to host guests from your FI's side of the family, she should stick with that. No, she was not obligated to, but she offered already. Parties aren't tit for tat in that FMIL has to invite your side of the family to a party she wants to host.

OP, as for you being in the middle- your FI needs to deal with his mother. You deal with your side, "Sorry aunts, but FMIL is hosting the party, the guest list is not my decision"- end of discussion. He deals with his, "Mom, we really are not comfortable with inviting anyone who has not been invited to the wedding. It makes us feel like we're looking for gifts, when that is not the case".

emilyrenee90 · May 2016

I get adding the registry info on the invitations for a shower but my problem is that she invited people not invited to the wedding and gave them a link to our wedding website to find our registries. She shouldn't have invited these people but having invited them she should have said look for their registry at this store.

The party they threw for FBIL was worded the same way but they didn't invite any non-wedding invitees to their party so I don't know why she would have done that for ours. Their party was super weird and they didn't actually open their gifts until everyone left.

I'm pretty sure she is only throwing us one because people invited to both weddings and who were at the other party asked why she did all this stuff for his brother and haven't done anything for us.

Tyvm · May 2016

@emilyrenee90 Take a deep breath, nothing here is really a catastrophic situation. Try to assume the best in people, or else this whole process is going to drive you nuts

Nope, FMIL should not have invited people who weren't invited to the wedding. She also should have made it clearer what type of party this is. They're both her bad. Have your FI handle FMIL & the unvite-the-uninvited-guests issue. Now that these faux-guests have your wedding website, they probably have the information they need to attend your wedding. Your FI and FMIL are going to need to be very direct with these faux-guests, so you don't end up with more people than catering you paid for on the day-of!

CMGragain · May 2016

There is no such thing as an engagement party/shower/open house.

You may have an engagement party if someone offers to host it. Gifts are not expected, though some people may give you a small gift.

You may have a shower if someone offers to host it. This is a gift giving occasion and it is OK to post a registry.

You may have an open house, and you may host it yourself, since it is not wedding related. It is not a gift giving occasion.

SP29 · May 2016

emilyrenee90 said:

I get adding the registry info on the invitations for a shower but my problem is that she invited people not invited to the wedding and gave them a link to our wedding website to find our registries. She shouldn't have invited these people but having invited them she should have said look for their registry at this store.

Have FI tell FMIL, "We are uncomfortable that you invited non-wedding guests to this party. You need to fix this and clear up any confusion. We are unable to host these additional people at the wedding and should they show up the day of, we will be unable to accommodate them."

FI should deal with his mother, but it is on FMIL to deal with these guests, not you two.

The party they threw for FBIL was worded the same way but they didn't invite any non-wedding invitees to their party so I don't know why she would have done that for ours. Their party was super weird and they didn't actually open their gifts until everyone left.

I'm pretty sure she is only throwing us one because people invited to both weddings and who were at the other party asked why she did all this stuff for his brother and haven't done anything for us.

See in blue.

banana468 · May 2016

From what I'm seeing, as long as your mom was invited to the event that FMIL is throwing, her main etiquette related blunder is that there's the potential that some people invited to this aren't invited to the wedding.

At less than a week from the party, your FMIL could be in a pickle. All I'd ask your FI to say is, "Mom, if you invited people to this party who aren't invited to the wedding I'm relying on you to tell them that this is YOUR issue and not mine. We're going to look like those people are surprise guests and it's not on us to add them to the wedding guest list."

Beyond that while the invitation was confusing it's not really a big problem. And throwing a shower that's for her side isn't really a big problem either. A lot of people have showers that are for one side or the other.

Tyvm · May 2016

Beyond that while the invitation was confusing it's not really a big problem. And throwing a shower that's for her side isn't really a big problem either. A lot of people have showers that are for one side or the other.

@banana468 Yes, exactly. Especially since almost no one (just immediate family + bridal party) should be invited to more than one Shower!

OliveOilsMom · June 2016

At this point, I don't think any one should be uninvited to the party (even when this was originally posted). It would be much ruder IMO to uninvited people to a party within a week, than have a person invited to a pre-wedding party when they are not invited to the wedding. This faux pas is all on FMIL. She will be the one who looks bad when some of these guests are not invited to the wedding.

As for the aunts, even though live-in girlfriend lives down the street, I think she should have not been invited since FMIL was keeping this to her side of the family. But whats done is done. I would advise the aunts that FMIL made the guest list and you had no control over it.

Your sister should not invite the people who FMIL provided to her shower. That will look absolutely gift grabby. FI should tell FMIL about this, "Mom, since you had a shower for our side, Emily Renee's shower from her sister will include only their side of the family. So I just wanted to let you know that the people on the list you provided to her sister will not be invited because we don't want to look gift grabby."

Also, try to make edits to your wedding website that may hide details of your actual wedding, to prevent those not invited to your wedding from obtaining the details. Maybe lock down the page with ceremony and reception information.

MairePoppy · June 2016

emilyrenee90 said:

Basically it's all a clusterfuck of etiquette no-nos and drama that I'm stuck in the middle of...

You are correct this is a clusterfuck. May I offer you a hug and a good, strong drink?

First things first. Your FMIL is hosting a shower, but has no clue about shower/wedding etiquette. She has invited her friends, who aren't on the wedding guest list to the shower. This isn't your fault. You gave her a copy of the guest list and still, she fucked up. Fi should let her know that she shouldn't invite anyone who isn't on the wedding guest list. But I have a feeling the deed is done and it's pretty rude to rescind an invitation. Remind yourself that this isn't your fault. Go to your shower/engagement/open house, be sweet to your FMILs' friends and make a point of saying you are so surprised and delighted to meet/see them there.

Mothers and sisters (and in my family, grandmothers) of the B & G are typically invited to all showers, but your FMIL wasn't obligated to invite your other family members. Inviting your one 'aunt,' who happens to be her neighbor doesn't obligate her to invite the others. She doesn't understand your family dynamic.

The guest lists for the two showers shouldn't overlap, so it's fine for your sister to invite only your family members to the shower she's hosting. But to do this as retaliation seems petty.

ETA - no one should pass along the 'verbal invite' to your aunts. All guests should be invited in writing. You don't want to set a precedent for your FMIL issuing 'verbal invites' to other events, such as your wedding.

Have another drink.

FMIL Engagement/Wedding Shower

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