Money vs. Registry? Advice please!

FeelTheRain · June 2016

I have been to weddings before where, instead of a traditional registry, they ask for money to put towards a new home or a honeymoon. I honestly always really liked that idea and didn't think anything of it. My FH and I both had our own fully furnished apartments when we met and when we moved in together ended up having to get rid of quite a bit of it due to not having the room for it all. We plan on staying in our current home for several more years at least, and honestly hardly have room for the belongings that we have already. When I get something new for my kitchen I have to rearrange the whole thing just to find room! (I know, first world problems right?) When we attend other weddings we always just give cash or write a check anyway instead of buying a gift from the couple's registry. To me at least, this has always seemed easier than having to carry around a gift and make sure it gets in the right spot and hoping they like it etc etc. The weddings that we have gone to where the couple specifically makes a request for money to go towards a goal of theirs (ie: honeymoon, new house, etc) always seemed like a great idea and was something that we are planning on doing as well. That all being said...I've been reading discussions on the different boards on here and people seem to have a much different opinion from me that this is incredibly rude and tacky. Is asking for money not something that is socially acceptable?

This is what I put on the Registry portion of our website and I thought it was appropriate but now am not sure at all!

"We can't wait to get married and are so honored to have you at our wedding! If you would like to help us start our new life together, in lieu of a normal registry we would ask for a money gift to help us on our way to our dream honeymoon! We are lucky enough to have all of the physical things we could possibly need and are very much looking forward to the experience of a lifetime on our honeymoon."

The last thing I want is for people to feel like we're being rude but at the same time, any gifts we get will honestly go right back to the store for credit until we buy a house in 5 years or so. That makes no sense to me, but if it's either that or have people think we're rude and tacky then should we reconsider our "registry?"

bleve0821 · June 2016

Knottie1451532515 said:

I have been to weddings before where, instead of a traditional registry, they ask for money to put towards a new home or a honeymoon. I honestly always really liked that idea and didn't think anything of it. My FH and I both had our own fully furnished apartments when we met and when we moved in together ended up having to get rid of quite a bit of it due to not having the room for it all. We plan on staying in our current home for several more years at least, and honestly hardly have room for the belongings that we have already. When I get something new for my kitchen I have to rearrange the whole thing just to find room! (I know, first world problems right?) When we attend other weddings we always just give cash or write a check anyway instead of buying a gift from the couple's registry. To me at least, this has always seemed easier than having to carry around a gift and make sure it gets in the right spot and hoping they like it etc etc. The weddings that we have gone to where the couple specifically makes a request for money to go towards a goal of theirs (ie: honeymoon, new house, etc) always seemed like a great idea and was something that we are planning on doing as well. That all being said...I've been reading discussions on the different boards on here and people seem to have a much different opinion from me that this is incredibly rude and tacky. Is asking for money not something that is socially acceptable?
This is what I put on the Registry portion of our website and I thought it was appropriate but now am not sure at all!
"We can't wait to get married and are so honored to have you at our wedding! If you would like to help us start our new life together, in lieu of a normal registry we would ask for a money gift to help us on our way to our dream honeymoon! We are lucky enough to have all of the physical things we could possibly need and are very much looking forward to the experience of a lifetime on our honeymoon."
The last thing I want is for people to feel like we're being rude but at the same time, any gifts we get will honestly go right back to the store for credit until we buy a house in 5 years or so. That makes no sense to me, but if it's either that or have people think we're rude and tacky then should we reconsider our "registry?"

I would read that and immediately side-eye the couple. This reads as very greedy and entitled. "We can't afford our dream vacation on our own, so please donate money so we can go anyway!"

Everyone knows money is an acceptable gift.

If you don't need anything, don't register anywhere. Your friends, family, and other guests will probably gift you money, anyway. Regardless, you shouldn't be dictating to others what they should or should not gift you. It's a gift, not a donation.

Cookie Pusher · June 2016

Those money registries are such a ripoff. Why do you want to let someone take a portion of your gift doing pretty much nothing? Simply don't register. Most people will give cash/checks since everyone knows money makes a great gift. People who insist on physical gifts wouldn't give to your cash registry anyway. If people ask what you want, you can just say you have all the things you need but are saving for your honeymoon/new house/ whatever.

True story: DH and I lived together for 10 years before getting married and didn't want or need stuff. We didn't even "need" money so truly didn't care whether we got gifts or not. We didn't register or give any hints of wanting cash. Lo and behold, 100% of the gifts we received were monetary and we didn't lose any of it to processing fees from a website.

wmam35 · June 2016

Please don't do this. Just like you find it convenient to give money, many others do too. You will not find a shortage of guests who want to give you money. And if you get a boxed gift that you don't want, just return it to the store. Even if you don't get a gift receipt, you might be able to return the gift to the store as long as that store sells that particular item (not 100% sure about this, but I was able to do it this weekend at a store so maybe it would work). And as I'm sure you've read, if you don't do a registry or just do a small registry, most people will get the hint and give you money.

And as something to consider, I got married 3 years ago and because of different reasons/priorities, my husband and I did not go on a honeymoon. We still have not gone on a honeymoon and now that we have 2 month old twins, we won't be going on a honeymoon or any other big vacation for awhile. If you asked me for money specifically so YOU could go on a big fancy vacation, I would be super annoyed. Not everyone can go on a vacation, so it's super obnoxious (in my opinion) to do that. Now if I write you a check, I know that there's a chance that money will go towards your honeymoon or a new house or something that I can't have, but you aren't throwing that in my face, so it's fine.

But long story short, don't do it.

CMGragain · June 2016

"We can't wait to get married and are so honored to have you at our wedding! If you would like to help us start our new life together, in lieu of a normal registry we would ask for a money gift to help us on our way to our dream honeymoon! We are lucky enough to have all of the physical things we could possibly need and are very much looking forward to the experience of a lifetime on our honeymoon."

Please take this off your website immediately. It is very rude to openly ask for money.
Miss Manners (Judith Martin) also dislikes Honeymoon registries, and even the liberal Emily Post Institute cautions that some people find them rude.
Word of mouth is OK, though. IF someone asks you, you can say, "Well, we are saving for our honeymoon."

ShesSoCold · June 2016

Knottie1451532515 said:

I have been to weddings before where, instead of a traditional registry, they ask for money to put towards a new home or a honeymoon. I honestly always really liked that idea and didn't think anything of it. My FH and I both had our own fully furnished apartments when we met and when we moved in together ended up having to get rid of quite a bit of it due to not having the room for it all. We plan on staying in our current home for several more years at least, and honestly hardly have room for the belongings that we have already. When I get something new for my kitchen I have to rearrange the whole thing just to find room! (I know, first world problems right?) When we attend other weddings we always just give cash or write a check anyway instead of buying a gift from the couple's registry. To me at least, this has always seemed easier than having to carry around a gift and make sure it gets in the right spot and hoping they like it etc etc. The weddings that we have gone to where the couple specifically makes a request for money to go towards a goal of theirs (ie: honeymoon, new house, etc) always seemed like a great idea and was something that we are planning on doing as well. That all being said...I've been reading discussions on the different boards on here and people seem to have a much different opinion from me that this is incredibly rude and tacky. Is asking for money not something that is socially acceptable?
This is what I put on the Registry portion of our website and I thought it was appropriate but now am not sure at all!
"We can't wait to get married and are so honored to have you at our wedding! If you would like to help us start our new life together, in lieu of a normal registry we would ask for a money gift to help us on our way to our dream honeymoon! We are lucky enough to have all of the physical things we could possibly need and are very much looking forward to the experience of a lifetime on our honeymoon."
The last thing I want is for people to feel like we're being rude but at the same time, any gifts we get will honestly go right back to the store for credit until we buy a house in 5 years or so. That makes no sense to me, but if it's either that or have people think we're rude and tacky then should we reconsider our "registry?"

OliveOilsMom · June 2016

I would remove the registry page from your wedding website all together.

There is nothing wrong with wanting cash instead of physical gifts. It's the way that some couples go about it that is wrong. You don't seem to be using one of the honeyfund type websites, so I'm going to skip over why they are so wrong. But using one of those websites is the main reason when asking for cash is wrong.

Don't have a physical registry of gifts. If you are offered a shower, decline it. Showers are for physical gifts. If someone still wants to host something for you, request it to be a bridal luncheon. This usually denotes that no gifts are expected, but you may still end up with some things.

If someone asks where you are registered (and tell some family members so they can spread this info as well), just say that you have everything you need, but are saving for your honeymoon. This signals to the guest that you would rather have cash, without outright asking for money.

glasgowtolondon · June 2016

Come on, you've read threads about this on here and honestly think that this particular thread will get a different response? If you want money instead of physical items then nix any gift registries and people will get the idea. People understand that cash is always king. Anyone who asks about gifts can be told 'we really don't need any towels (or whatever) but we are saving up for xxx.' People will get the hint. Honeymoon registries are asking people for money. No amount of cutesy wording will disguise that. Plus they don't make sense financially - there is a fee! Why would I want you to get £97 when you could get the whole £100 I've chosen to gift you? Why lose money on something that will cause a good proportion of your guests to side-eye you?

levioosa · June 2016

Um, no. Don't register. People will give you cash. Great Aunt Martha was going to buy off-registry no matter what. But registering for cash is rude and gift grabby, and, extra bonus, the company you register with takes a cut so you don't even get the full amount. You're less likely to get the result you want (cash gifts) if you shove it in people's faces with a honeyfund or cash registry.

Edit: Oh, and take off that description on your website. It's rude. If someone asks, you can say, "oh, we're saving up for a new house."

climbingsingle · June 2016

Asking for cash will always, always, always be tacky and rude. One of very good friends did it, along with a relative. And I judged them, and so did many other people.

I was in my mid 30s on my wedding day, and my H was in his early 40s. We had both lived on our own for many years. We had 3 of everything. I didn't register. Guess what. People gave us cash. That's what people do! It's really that simple.

charlotte989875 · June 2016

It's always rude to ask for gifts and telling people to give you money is not only asking for a Presley, but asking for a specific present. I think registries are different (and it might be splitting hairs here) in that you're giving people an idea of what types of styles,colors, etc you want for your home. I registered for a navy kitchen aide and my China has navy and gold accents. So people have a pretty good idea that if they wanted to buy hand towels or something that if they got it in navy they would match my kitchen.

Everyone knows cash is a great gift, and you risk offending your friends and family by asking for it.

FeelTheRain · June 2016

Got it. It's removed! Thanks everybody for the input!

dyerwise · June 2016

I would re-think registering, especially if someone offers to throw you a bridal shower. I've been to bridal showers where the bride didn't register and I think she had to return most of the gifts because they were duplicates(3 dutch ovens!) or things she couldn't use.

FI and I have both lived on our own and together and have all of the basic things for our home, however, when we registered we realized that we could use new things that had been worn down over the years. Don't run out an register for a bunch of expensive things or anything like that, but baking sheets, whisks, towels, etc.

ei34 · June 2016

Knottie1451532515 said:

Got it. It's removed! Thanks everybody for the input!

Excellent. H and I had each lived on our own and had to donate a lot of duplicates when we moved in together. We had a tiny registry for upgrades but received mostly cash. Everyone knows cash is a great gift

photokitty · June 2016

Glad you already decided to delete it, but bc I have this on standby...

We did not register - anywhere. Everyone knows cash is always appropriate, appreciated and often preferred - literally everyone on earth knows this.

Some people will want to get you a physical gift - these are not the people who use HM registries. The people who use HM registries are people who would give you a check, but instead think that you will receive the FULL amount they gift you. You you will ACTUALLY receive that massage, not a credit on your bill and if you decide you can get the massage or take the excursion.

But I have good news

For our wedding the gifts broke down like this: 75% cash or check, 20% gift cards and 5% physical gifts.

If you want money or don't need anything don't register. This is the best way to politely suggest folks give you money. I'm telling you from experience ;-)

A HM is not polite, sorry. There is nothing wrong with saying, when asked where you are registered, we are saving up for the honeymoon (or house or big screen TV or whatever it is you'd like to purchase). GL!

Tyvm · June 2016

I would re-think registering, especially if someone offers to throw you a bridal shower. I've been to bridal showers where the bride didn't register and I think she had to return most of the gifts because they were duplicates(3 dutch ovens!) or things she couldn't use.

@dyerwise Would it be reasonable to have a small registry for the Bridal Shower, and either don't include it (or delete it) on the wedding website after the shower?

Bridal shower gifts are often small items, like that stainless steel garlic press (after you beast-moded the last one). I can come up with enough small items that we need an upgrade on (hello, matching silverware!) for the Shower, but not so much for an entire wedding full of people, in addition.

ShesSoCold · June 2016

Tyvm said:

show previous quotes
I would re-think registering, especially if someone offers to throw you a bridal shower. I've been to bridal showers where the bride didn't register and I think she had to return most of the gifts because they were duplicates(3 dutch ovens!) or things she couldn't use.
@dyerwise Would it be reasonable to have a small registry for the Bridal Shower, and either don't include it (or delete it) on the wedding website after the shower?

Bridal shower gifts are often small items, like that stainless steel garlic press (after you beast-moded the last one). I can come up with enough small items that we need an upgrade on (hello, matching silverware!) for the Shower, but not so much for an entire wedding full of people, in addition.

That's pretty much what I did. We preferred monetary gifts and had a small registry that was pretty much completed after my shower. We did not have a registry portion on our website. We only received one registry gift for the wedding itself and that was from my best friend who told me he cleaned out all the smaller items on the registry because he knew I like to get packages in the mail and would be excited to receive lots of packages.

Tyvm · June 2016

We only received one registry gift for the wedding itself and that was from my best friend who told me he cleaned out all the smaller items on the registry because he knew I like to get packages in the mail and would be excited to receive lots of packages.

@ShesSoCold That's really sweet of him!!
Lots of little packages would be great, so long as they aren't stolen grrrrrrrrr

mntravelingmama · June 2016

Never, never ask for money! I can't understand when people do...it's so tacky!

SP29 · June 2016

We had a registry and still received mostly cash gifts- but that is common for my family.

dyerwise · June 2016

Tyvm said:

show previous quotes
I would re-think registering, especially if someone offers to throw you a bridal shower. I've been to bridal showers where the bride didn't register and I think she had to return most of the gifts because they were duplicates(3 dutch ovens!) or things she couldn't use.
@dyerwise Would it be reasonable to have a small registry for the Bridal Shower, and either don't include it (or delete it) on the wedding website after the shower?

Bridal shower gifts are often small items, like that stainless steel garlic press (after you beast-moded the last one). I can come up with enough small items that we need an upgrade on (hello, matching silverware!) for the Shower, but not so much for an entire wedding full of people, in addition.

I would just not include it on the site. Most showers that I have been invited to have the registry information printed on the invite, however, now that I think about it may be against etiquette, but everyone knows a shower is a gift giving event).

I usually spend anywhere from $40-$100 on shower gifts, so I think things like matching silverware, cook ware, maybe nice china would give shower guests a nice selection to choose from.

I recently attended a bridal shower and I bought 5 items off her registry (Baking sheets, measuring cups, whisks, glass mixing bowl set) so make sure you have a decent amount of items on the registry for guests to choose from.

Tyvm · June 2016

Most showers that I have been invited to have the registry information printed on the invite, however, now that I think about it may be against etiquette, but everyone knows a shower is a gift giving event).

@dyerwise Including registry information on Shower invites is a-okay etiquette-wise, as a shower is literally intended to be a "shower of gifts." If there are no gifts, then it's a luncheon/tea.

I think we're planning to not include the registry information on the wedding website. But there's still plenty of items available for the Shower. We might trim it down a bit after the Showers, too.

MesmrEwe · June 2016

I'm glad that you removed that from your website...

I'm in the "physical gift club" unless it's a friend exclusively of DH's (in which case he'll tell me what he wants to spend). If you don't register for anything, I'm going to Restaurant Supply and getting you some lovely pizza pans, cutter, cookie sheets, cutting board, etc. and if you have those things, you're now stuck with them because you didn't bother to give any ideas of what you wanted instead. Even if you only register for additional pieces of flatware (who doesn't need extra forks/spoons/knives), or pillows, bathroom towels, or a toolbox/drill from Sears, or laundry detergent at Target, register for a few things somewhere just because there are people who will not give cash/checks as gifts and you don't want a bunch of random "stuff" that isn't going to come with a gift receipt. The money/honeymoon registries are the BIGGEST scam - why should someone pay $$ in service fees...just - why..

kahluakoala · June 2016

MesmrEwe said:

I'm glad that you removed that from your website...
I'm in the "physical gift club" unless it's a friend exclusively of DH's (in which case he'll tell me what he wants to spend). If you don't register for anything, I'm going to Restaurant Supply and getting you some lovely pizza pans, cutter, cookie sheets, cutting board, etc. and if you have those things, you're now stuck with them because you didn't bother to give any ideas of what you wanted instead. Even if you only register for additional pieces of flatware (who doesn't need extra forks/spoons/knives), or pillows, bathroom towels, or a toolbox/drill from Sears, or laundry detergent at Target, register for a few things somewhere just because there are people who will not give cash/checks as gifts and you don't want a bunch of random "stuff" that isn't going to come with a gift receipt. The money/honeymoon registries are the BIGGEST scam - why should someone pay $$ in service fees...just - why..

Why would you insist on giving a physical item when the couple would clearly prefer cash (indicated by the fact that they didn't register). This is the reason that people insist on a cute poem or a cash registry or whatever, because they feel like people won't get the hint when they don't register.

Tyvm · June 2016

register for a few things somewhere just because there are people who will not give cash/checks as gifts and you don't want a bunch of random "stuff" that isn't going to come with a gift receipt.

@MesmrEwe What if they do only register for a few small things they need upgrades on, but it's completed before you get to it. Do you still buy physical gifts?

We have a 600 square foot apartment and don't want to transfer physical gifts cross-country. The boards say to just not register, then. I guess in your case, we'd just donate the unwanted gifts to Goodwill before we left town?

Note to lurkers: Always write thank you notes for every gift, even if you're just donating it to charity. Don't put its final destination in the letter, though

MesmrEwe · June 2016

Hypothetically speaking - the point I was trying to make is that is exactly why you register for something even if only 4 things (that if you got duplicates of you'd be fine with)...

If someone flat out says they want to do a "Your presence is our present, please no gifts" I'm all about honoring that. If they only want cash or do the honeyfund registry only, I'll let DH take care of the gift-giving and not get in his way and generally why cash only requests are considered rude..

charlotte989875 · June 2016

KahluaKoala said:

show previous quotes

MesmrEwe said:

I'm glad that you removed that from your website...
I'm in the "physical gift club" unless it's a friend exclusively of DH's (in which case he'll tell me what he wants to spend). If you don't register for anything, I'm going to Restaurant Supply and getting you some lovely pizza pans, cutter, cookie sheets, cutting board, etc. and if you have those things, you're now stuck with them because you didn't bother to give any ideas of what you wanted instead. Even if you only register for additional pieces of flatware (who doesn't need extra forks/spoons/knives), or pillows, bathroom towels, or a toolbox/drill from Sears, or laundry detergent at Target, register for a few things somewhere just because there are people who will not give cash/checks as gifts and you don't want a bunch of random "stuff" that isn't going to come with a gift receipt. The money/honeymoon registries are the BIGGEST scam - why should someone pay $$ in service fees...just - why..

Why would you insist on giving a physical item when the couple would clearly prefer cash (indicated by the fact that they didn't register). This is the reason that people insist on a cute poem or a cash registry or whatever, because they feel like people won't get the hint when they don't register.

I don't want to speak for anyone else but I think for a number of people just giving cash or a check feels impersonal and they prefer to spend time choosing a physical gift they think the person or couple could use or would like. There is nothing wrong with that. There's also nothingn wrong with the going off registry. Yes, couples can signal they prefer cash by having a smaller registry but IMO it's fairly spoiled to get upset if someone buys a physical gift that isn't on the registry or prefers not to give cash if the registry is completed. It's not like a registry is a list of the only gifts a couple will accept and if they are all taken everyone just has to give cash.

Also, it's not people choosing to buy gifts that cause people to make cutesy poems or cash registry; it's people trying to disguise their request for a specific form of gift and subsequent rude behavior.

ernursej · June 2016

We are not having a registry as we need nothing. I had a friend of my Mother's want to host a shower and I declined because she wasn't invited to the wedding (I went out to lunch with her and she was happy with that time together ... see my post about this). A friend of mine (who was invited to the wedding) wanted to host a shower and because she wanted to host a wine themed shower (instead of something where I had to create a registry), I accepted and ended up receiving a few bottles of wine and a few wine related household items.

If anyone asks, we are telling them that we would prefer no gifts, just their presence. We do not have a wedding website and are not writing anything in the invites (as that would be incredibly rude).

I anticipate that the majority of our guests will not bring any gift which is just fine with us. Those that do, will get a handwritten note.

crowsgirl15 · June 2016

KahluaKoala said:

show previous quotes

MesmrEwe said:

I'm glad that you removed that from your website...
I'm in the "physical gift club" unless it's a friend exclusively of DH's (in which case he'll tell me what he wants to spend). If you don't register for anything, I'm going to Restaurant Supply and getting you some lovely pizza pans, cutter, cookie sheets, cutting board, etc. and if you have those things, you're now stuck with them because you didn't bother to give any ideas of what you wanted instead. Even if you only register for additional pieces of flatware (who doesn't need extra forks/spoons/knives), or pillows, bathroom towels, or a toolbox/drill from Sears, or laundry detergent at Target, register for a few things somewhere just because there are people who will not give cash/checks as gifts and you don't want a bunch of random "stuff" that isn't going to come with a gift receipt. The money/honeymoon registries are the BIGGEST scam - why should someone pay $$ in service fees...just - why..

Why would you insist on giving a physical item when the couple would clearly prefer cash (indicated by the fact that they didn't register). This is the reason that people insist on a cute poem or a cash registry or whatever, because they feel like people won't get the hint when they don't register.

I can explain for myself before I was a little more settled in my life: Because the amount of cash I could afford to give was not going to look very impressive on a check, but I could buy a kick ass boxed gift for that same measly price. I would always send it to the couples' home or bride's home (if they don't live together), and not bring a boxed gift to the wedding.

For the record, a cutesy poem or cash registry would have made me more likely to send the boxed gift, not less.

lovesclimbing · June 2016

I'm glad you changed it, but just to give another voice for the lurkers.

H and I never lived together and neither of us set up a house beforehand. Both of us lived with roommates before getting married and so H just had one small pot, one small skillet, one fillet knife, three of those flimsy plastic cutting boards, a salad spinner, a small hand-spun food processor thing, a couple mugs, a coffee maker, a can opener, and a set of small glass desert-size plates and that's literally it. He used paper plates and silverware. My roommates always had dishes, so I owned one small pot, one mug, a cutting board and a large butcher knife and that's all. So yeah, we basically had to stock an entire house. We had a rather large registry, two of them in fact, and I had two bridal showers (two different locations with different guest lists).

We got most of the stuff we needed, plus some stuff from off registry and we still got several thousand dollars in cash and checks at the wedding.

scrunchythief · June 2016

I'm glad you took that off your website. Your gut was right that it might come off as rude.

Plus, it's just not necessary. We had a decent size registry, and still people mostly gave cash. Like, a surprising amount. My friend had the same thing happen to her, too. Just don't register, or keep it small, and it'll work out.

If people ask you what you'd like, then you could mention you're saving up for a honeymoon. My dad actually gave us a cash present that he specifically told us to spend on the honeymoon. We're very frugal people, and he knows it, so he wanted us to make sure we used it for something fun. We went parasailing, which we never would've on our own and it was awesome:)

Money vs. Registry? Advice please!

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