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Money vs. Registry? Advice please!

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Re: Money vs. Registry? Advice please!

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    Not to hijack, but lets say you have all your stuff, and you don't need more house hold items.. are there other things you can register for? I'm trying to think of a good example.. like if painting was a hobby of mine, could I register at Michaels (this is just a poor example.. but that's what I'm getting at)
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    Not to hijack, but lets say you have all your stuff, and you don't need more house hold items.. are there other things you can register for? I'm trying to think of a good example.. like if painting was a hobby of mine, could I register at Michaels (this is just a poor example.. but that's what I'm getting at)
    IMO, in that case, you just don't register and collect the cash that you will inevitably get.  Then use that $ on your hobbies.  Typically registries are filled with items the couple intend to enjoy with each other and if you don't need those things, I wouldn't recommend adding "non-wedding registry-ish" items.  I just recommend accepting the cash graciously and using it on whatever you & your SO want.  
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    By the way, today's Dear Abby totally failed on this exact same question. Part of it was right... if you'd prefer to save up for a house or anything, the word of mouth response is, "We're not registered anywhere, but we are saving for a house." Putting that info anywhere in writing, including the wedding website, is presumptuous. 
    Abby also said "in lieu of gifts." Cash IS a gift. Sigh. 
    ________________________________


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    By the way, today's Dear Abby totally failed on this exact same question. Part of it was right... if you'd prefer to save up for a house or anything, the word of mouth response is, "We're not registered anywhere, but we are saving for a house." Putting that info anywhere in writing, including the wedding website, is presumptuous. 
    Abby also said "in lieu of gifts." Cash IS a gift. Sigh. 
    I SAW THAT.  I am side-eyeing her so hard my eyes might actually fall out.  Maybe that should be a sticky for the Registering and Gifts board with a big fat NO stamped across it.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

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    Not to hijack, but lets say you have all your stuff, and you don't need more house hold items.. are there other things you can register for? I'm trying to think of a good example.. like if painting was a hobby of mine, could I register at Michaels (this is just a poor example.. but that's what I'm getting at)
    IMO, in that case, you just don't register and collect the cash that you will inevitably get.  Then use that $ on your hobbies.  Typically registries are filled with items the couple intend to enjoy with each other and if you don't need those things, I wouldn't recommend adding "non-wedding registry-ish" items.  I just recommend accepting the cash graciously and using it on whatever you & your SO want.  

    Exactly.  Here is an example used often, if you both love camping, I would not side eye a tent or any camping accessories on a registry.  Like having game nights, board games are fine as well.

    I think if it's something the couple uses together it's fine, even if it's not super traditional.  

    I do side-eye things that are super obviously just one person's interest.  Like the super obscure computer part I once saw on a friend's registry.
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    auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2016
    MesmrEwe said:

    I'm glad that you removed that from your website...

    I'm in the "physical gift club" unless it's a friend exclusively of DH's (in which case he'll tell me what he wants to spend).  If you don't register for anything, I'm going to Restaurant Supply and getting you some lovely pizza pans, cutter, cookie sheets, cutting board, etc. and if you have those things, you're now stuck with them because you didn't bother to give any ideas of what you wanted instead.  Even if you only register for additional pieces of flatware (who doesn't need extra forks/spoons/knives), or pillows, bathroom towels, or a toolbox/drill from Sears, or laundry detergent at Target, register for a few things somewhere just because there are people who will not give cash/checks as gifts and you don't want a bunch of random "stuff" that isn't going to come with a gift receipt.  The money/honeymoon registries are the BIGGEST scam - why should someone pay $$ in service fees...just - why.. 


    You almost make it sound like you're purposely punishing people that just don't want/need "stuff."
    It's kind of a waste of your money if you buy them their fifteenth cookie sheet and they just have to donate it because they can't return it.

    No one is entitled to your cash. But if you know they don't want stuff, even if you find a great item that you think they'll really like, still give them a receipt. Geez
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    First - OP, glad to see you took wise counsel and removed that from your website. Stick around here! Next - If you want to ensure you do NOT get money from me for your wedding go ahead and stick a little poem in there asking for money. Not gonna happen. Chances are you will get Beyoncé, the Metal Chicken (or pink plastic flamingos for your yard). For our newer members you can read all about her here: http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/21/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/ If you make any kind of a registry and I am invited to your shower I look for the item that has the longest shelf life (something I feel you will keep around for quite awhile) that I can afford. I would love to give you something that will be in your home for several years. If I am not invited to your shower, but am invited to your wedding (again with no request for money in the invitation) I am going to write you and your new spouse a nice check. Just never ever ever ask for money.
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    MesmrEwe said:

    I'm glad that you removed that from your website...

    I'm in the "physical gift club" unless it's a friend exclusively of DH's (in which case he'll tell me what he wants to spend).  If you don't register for anything, I'm going to Restaurant Supply and getting you some lovely pizza pans, cutter, cookie sheets, cutting board, etc. and if you have those things, you're now stuck with them because you didn't bother to give any ideas of what you wanted instead.  Even if you only register for additional pieces of flatware (who doesn't need extra forks/spoons/knives), or pillows, bathroom towels, or a toolbox/drill from Sears, or laundry detergent at Target, register for a few things somewhere just because there are people who will not give cash/checks as gifts and you don't want a bunch of random "stuff" that isn't going to come with a gift receipt.  The money/honeymoon registries are the BIGGEST scam - why should someone pay $$ in service fees...just - why.. 


    Why would you insist on giving a physical item when the couple would clearly prefer cash (indicated by the fact that they didn't register). This is the reason that people insist on a cute poem or a cash registry or whatever, because they feel like people won't get the hint when they don't register.
    I don't want to speak for anyone else but I think for a number of people just giving cash or a check feels impersonal and they prefer to spend time choosing a physical gift they think the person or couple could use or would like. There is nothing wrong with that. There's also nothingn wrong with the going off registry. Yes, couples can signal they prefer cash by having a smaller registry but IMO it's fairly spoiled to get upset if someone buys a physical gift that isn't on the registry or prefers not to give cash if the registry is completed. It's not like a registry is a list of the only gifts a couple will accept and if they are all taken everyone just has to give cash. 

    Also, it's not people choosing to buy gifts that cause people to make cutesy poems or cash registry; it's people trying to disguise their request for a specific form of gift and subsequent rude behavior. 

    I wouldn't complain if someone got me a physical gift when I wanted cash, but if you want me to get me a physical gift because YOU feel it's more thoughtful and personal, then I would rethink that, because IMO the most thoughtful gift you can get me is the one Il'l get the most use and enjoyment out of. I would much rather get $20 then $20 worth of stuff I don't want (even if it looks like you spent $50), I may have to donate, and I will feel badly about donating because clearly you took time and effort to get it to me. 

    We tell people all the time "don't register and people will get the hint", and then follow i tup with "I want to get a physical gift so I'm getting it anyway", which is exactly the thought process that I think leads people to ASK for money.

    My takeaway is, I would never ask for cash because some people view it as rude, and I wouldn't use a service because they'll take a cut, but I fail to see (and telling me it's "tacky" won't convince me) why it's rude to ask for cash but not for a food processor. JMHO
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    TyvmTyvm member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    You almost make it sound like you're purposely punishing people that just don't want/need "stuff." 
    @aurianna Yes! @MesmrEwe made it sound like she was buying physical gifts to spite my "laziness"  for not setting up a registry! It's okay if you're a gifts-love-language person, but not to spitefully be one. Either way, you've gotta be okay with people donating your gift, if you ignored their implicit requests for other items/cash. 


    k thnx bye

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    kmmssg said:
    First - OP, glad to see you took wise counsel and removed that from your website. Stick around here! Next - If you want to ensure you do NOT get money from me for your wedding go ahead and stick a little poem in there asking for money. Not gonna happen. Chances are you will get Beyoncé, the Metal Chicken (or pink plastic flamingos for your yard). For our newer members you can read all about her here: http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/21/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/ If you make any kind of a registry and I am invited to your shower I look for the item that has the longest shelf life (something I feel you will keep around for quite awhile) that I can afford. I would love to give you something that will be in your home for several years. If I am not invited to your shower, but am invited to your wedding (again with no request for money in the invitation) I am going to write you and your new spouse a nice check. Just never ever ever ask for money.


    How I missed reading that one all this time is beyond me - but OMG I laughed so hard I started to finally hack up a lung!  (made even better by - "oh have we had our "pick your battles" moments around here.." and the longer you're married the more you learn to just laugh at them!)

    I still remember the cousin who made everyone aware "10% of all cash gifts will be donated to charity"...  Then made impossible registries (out of guest's price-point items at stores over 2-hours away from the average guest or online when a sizable percentage of the guest list doesn't even own a computer)...  They got cards - lots and lots of EMPTY cards (and maybe three physical gifts) because guests were so turned off at the smug rudeness of it all... 



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    crowsgirl15crowsgirl15 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited June 2016
    MesmrEwe said:

    I'm glad that you removed that from your website...

    I'm in the "physical gift club" unless it's a friend exclusively of DH's (in which case he'll tell me what he wants to spend).  If you don't register for anything, I'm going to Restaurant Supply and getting you some lovely pizza pans, cutter, cookie sheets, cutting board, etc. and if you have those things, you're now stuck with them because you didn't bother to give any ideas of what you wanted instead.  Even if you only register for additional pieces of flatware (who doesn't need extra forks/spoons/knives), or pillows, bathroom towels, or a toolbox/drill from Sears, or laundry detergent at Target, register for a few things somewhere just because there are people who will not give cash/checks as gifts and you don't want a bunch of random "stuff" that isn't going to come with a gift receipt.  The money/honeymoon registries are the BIGGEST scam - why should someone pay $$ in service fees...just - why.. 


    Why would you insist on giving a physical item when the couple would clearly prefer cash (indicated by the fact that they didn't register). This is the reason that people insist on a cute poem or a cash registry or whatever, because they feel like people won't get the hint when they don't register.
    I don't want to speak for anyone else but I think for a number of people just giving cash or a check feels impersonal and they prefer to spend time choosing a physical gift they think the person or couple could use or would like. There is nothing wrong with that. There's also nothingn wrong with the going off registry. Yes, couples can signal they prefer cash by having a smaller registry but IMO it's fairly spoiled to get upset if someone buys a physical gift that isn't on the registry or prefers not to give cash if the registry is completed. It's not like a registry is a list of the only gifts a couple will accept and if they are all taken everyone just has to give cash. 

    Also, it's not people choosing to buy gifts that cause people to make cutesy poems or cash registry; it's people trying to disguise their request for a specific form of gift and subsequent rude behavior. 

    I wouldn't complain if someone got me a physical gift when I wanted cash, but if you want me to get me a physical gift because YOU feel it's more thoughtful and personal, then I would rethink that, because IMO the most thoughtful gift you can get me is the one Il'l get the most use and enjoyment out of. I would much rather get $20 then $20 worth of stuff I don't want (even if it looks like you spent $50), I may have to donate, and I will feel badly about donating because clearly you took time and effort to get it to me. 

    We tell people all the time "don't register and people will get the hint", and then follow i tup with "I want to get a physical gift so I'm getting it anyway", which is exactly the thought process that I think leads people to ASK for money.

    My takeaway is, I would never ask for cash because some people view it as rude, and I wouldn't use a service because they'll take a cut, but I fail to see (and telling me it's "tacky" won't convince me) why it's rude to ask for cash but not for a food processor. JMHO
    I guess we'll agree to disagree on that. If someone close to me takes time to get me a thoughtful gift they think ill like...they're usually right. I feel like the best gifts I've gotten have been things I didn't ask for but ended up being amazing. 

    I remember exactly who who got me the bamboo bookcase I use every day but never asked for, but I can't remember a single monetary gift anyone ever gave me. I find boxed gifts more personal, and would prefer to give someone something they can actually enjoy and remember rather than a random check. (Though I will say that these days, since I can afford a little more, if a couple didn't register I would give them money. But I haven't had that happen yet.)

    ETA: Bolding what I was actually responding to.


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    @MesmrEwe - sadly I am not familiar with the couple who would donate 10% to charity. Is this something you can post or is this a memory of a past thread that I sadly missed?
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    MesmrEwe said:

    I'm glad that you removed that from your website...

    I'm in the "physical gift club" unless it's a friend exclusively of DH's (in which case he'll tell me what he wants to spend).  If you don't register for anything, I'm going to Restaurant Supply and getting you some lovely pizza pans, cutter, cookie sheets, cutting board, etc. and if you have those things, you're now stuck with them because you didn't bother to give any ideas of what you wanted instead.  Even if you only register for additional pieces of flatware (who doesn't need extra forks/spoons/knives), or pillows, bathroom towels, or a toolbox/drill from Sears, or laundry detergent at Target, register for a few things somewhere just because there are people who will not give cash/checks as gifts and you don't want a bunch of random "stuff" that isn't going to come with a gift receipt.  The money/honeymoon registries are the BIGGEST scam - why should someone pay $$ in service fees...just - why.. 


    Why would you insist on giving a physical item when the couple would clearly prefer cash (indicated by the fact that they didn't register). This is the reason that people insist on a cute poem or a cash registry or whatever, because they feel like people won't get the hint when they don't register.
    I don't want to speak for anyone else but I think for a number of people just giving cash or a check feels impersonal and they prefer to spend time choosing a physical gift they think the person or couple could use or would like. There is nothing wrong with that. There's also nothingn wrong with the going off registry. Yes, couples can signal they prefer cash by having a smaller registry but IMO it's fairly spoiled to get upset if someone buys a physical gift that isn't on the registry or prefers not to give cash if the registry is completed. It's not like a registry is a list of the only gifts a couple will accept and if they are all taken everyone just has to give cash. 

    Also, it's not people choosing to buy gifts that cause people to make cutesy poems or cash registry; it's people trying to disguise their request for a specific form of gift and subsequent rude behavior. 

    I wouldn't complain if someone got me a physical gift when I wanted cash, but if you want me to get me a physical gift because YOU feel it's more thoughtful and personal, then I would rethink that, because IMO the most thoughtful gift you can get me is the one Il'l get the most use and enjoyment out of. I would much rather get $20 then $20 worth of stuff I don't want (even if it looks like you spent $50), I may have to donate, and I will feel badly about donating because clearly you took time and effort to get it to me. 

    We tell people all the time "don't register and people will get the hint", and then follow i tup with "I want to get a physical gift so I'm getting it anyway", which is exactly the thought process that I think leads people to ASK for money.

    My takeaway is, I would never ask for cash because some people view it as rude, and I wouldn't use a service because they'll take a cut, but I fail to see (and telling me it's "tacky" won't convince me) why it's rude to ask for cash but not for a food processor. JMHO
    So the difference between a registry and asking for cash (or registering for gift cards or cashing no physical gifts, etc.) is the a registry also provides guidelines on people's tastes, styles, decor, etc. Say the couple registers for a particular brand of pans. And the ones they registered for are all purchased or out of my price range. I know they like that particular brand of equipment and I can purchase something that is in my price range in that brand.  Or if they register for sheets and towels that are blue and gray, say I want to put together a basket with a blanket, movies, booze, etc. I know what colors their house is going to be so I get something in that color. Or I can buy something the complements what they already have registered for. Maybe this is all splitting hairs but I see a registry as a guideline of their home and tastes while asking for cash is telling them to give a specific present. 

    Now if if there was some note that said "only get me gifts off this specific list" or that they can only be purchased at a certai store I'd find that just as rude as asking for cash. 

    I think it's great to try and signal you don't want a physical gift by not registering (and like @ernursej did decline any shower or other gift giving event), but I don't think it entitles the gift receive to outright tell the gift giver what to give.
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    MesmrEwe said:

    I'm glad that you removed that from your website...

    I'm in the "physical gift club" unless it's a friend exclusively of DH's (in which case he'll tell me what he wants to spend).  If you don't register for anything, I'm going to Restaurant Supply and getting you some lovely pizza pans, cutter, cookie sheets, cutting board, etc. and if you have those things, you're now stuck with them because you didn't bother to give any ideas of what you wanted instead.  Even if you only register for additional pieces of flatware (who doesn't need extra forks/spoons/knives), or pillows, bathroom towels, or a toolbox/drill from Sears, or laundry detergent at Target, register for a few things somewhere just because there are people who will not give cash/checks as gifts and you don't want a bunch of random "stuff" that isn't going to come with a gift receipt.  The money/honeymoon registries are the BIGGEST scam - why should someone pay $$ in service fees...just - why.. 


    Why would you insist on giving a physical item when the couple would clearly prefer cash (indicated by the fact that they didn't register). This is the reason that people insist on a cute poem or a cash registry or whatever, because they feel like people won't get the hint when they don't register.
    I don't want to speak for anyone else but I think for a number of people just giving cash or a check feels impersonal and they prefer to spend time choosing a physical gift they think the person or couple could use or would like. There is nothing wrong with that. There's also nothingn wrong with the going off registry. Yes, couples can signal they prefer cash by having a smaller registry but IMO it's fairly spoiled to get upset if someone buys a physical gift that isn't on the registry or prefers not to give cash if the registry is completed. It's not like a registry is a list of the only gifts a couple will accept and if they are all taken everyone just has to give cash. 

    Also, it's not people choosing to buy gifts that cause people to make cutesy poems or cash registry; it's people trying to disguise their request for a specific form of gift and subsequent rude behavior. 

    I wouldn't complain if someone got me a physical gift when I wanted cash, but if you want me to get me a physical gift because YOU feel it's more thoughtful and personal, then I would rethink that, because IMO the most thoughtful gift you can get me is the one Il'l get the most use and enjoyment out of. I would much rather get $20 then $20 worth of stuff I don't want (even if it looks like you spent $50), I may have to donate, and I will feel badly about donating because clearly you took time and effort to get it to me. 

    We tell people all the time "don't register and people will get the hint", and then follow i tup with "I want to get a physical gift so I'm getting it anyway", which is exactly the thought process that I think leads people to ASK for money.

    My takeaway is, I would never ask for cash because some people view it as rude, and I wouldn't use a service because they'll take a cut, but I fail to see (and telling me it's "tacky" won't convince me) why it's rude to ask for cash but not for a food processor. JMHO
    So the difference between a registry and asking for cash (or registering for gift cards or cashing no physical gifts, etc.) is the a registry also provides guidelines on people's tastes, styles, decor, etc. Say the couple registers for a particular brand of pans. And the ones they registered for are all purchased or out of my price range. I know they like that particular brand of equipment and I can purchase something that is in my price range in that brand.  Or if they register for sheets and towels that are blue and gray, say I want to put together a basket with a blanket, movies, booze, etc. I know what colors their house is going to be so I get something in that color. Or I can buy something the complements what they already have registered for. Maybe this is all splitting hairs but I see a registry as a guideline of their home and tastes while asking for cash is telling them to give a specific present. 

    Now if if there was some note that said "only get me gifts off this specific list" or that they can only be purchased at a certai store I'd find that just as rude as asking for cash. 

    I think it's great to try and signal you don't want a physical gift by not registering (and like @ernursej did decline any shower or other gift giving event), but I don't think it entitles the gift receive to outright tell the gift giver what to give.
    That just happened here today - the couple made a small registry and is having their shower this weekend that DH just told me about the FB Event yesterday...  I looked at their registry to see they registered for flatware, but only the 45 piece set that's out of my budget for the shower (not for the wedding though).  BUT, knowing the flatware they registered for (and that the site doesn't offer the complimentary pieces to the set), I can go to another site that offers complimentary pieces (serving spoons, extra forks/teaspoons, cake knife/server, etc.) and use that info to get them the additional pieces for their set..  A registry is a guide, not the end-all-be-all...
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    @ShesSoCold - can you post a picture? I would love to see that oh great cold one.
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    kmmssg said:
    @ShesSoCold - can you post a picture? I would love to see that oh great cold one.

    I'll try to take one. I just tried google street view and they weren't there in 2012.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
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    SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I wouldn't complain if someone got me a physical gift when I wanted cash, but if you want me to get me a physical gift because YOU feel it's more thoughtful and personal, then I would rethink that, because IMO the most thoughtful gift you can get me is the one Il'l get the most use and enjoyment out of. I would much rather get $20 then $20 worth of stuff I don't want (even if it looks like you spent $50), I may have to donate, and I will feel badly about donating because clearly you took time and effort to get it to me. 

    We tell people all the time "don't register and people will get the hint", and then follow i tup with "I want to get a physical gift so I'm getting it anyway", which is exactly the thought process that I think leads people to ASK for money.

    My takeaway is, I would never ask for cash because some people view it as rude, and I wouldn't use a service because they'll take a cut, but I fail to see (and telling me it's "tacky" won't convince me) why it's rude to ask for cash but not for a food processor. JMHO
    So the difference between a registry and asking for cash (or registering for gift cards or cashing no physical gifts, etc.) is the a registry also provides guidelines on people's tastes, styles, decor, etc. Say the couple registers for a particular brand of pans. And the ones they registered for are all purchased or out of my price range. I know they like that particular brand of equipment and I can purchase something that is in my price range in that brand.  Or if they register for sheets and towels that are blue and gray, say I want to put together a basket with a blanket, movies, booze, etc. I know what colors their house is going to be so I get something in that color. Or I can buy something the complements what they already have registered for. Maybe this is all splitting hairs but I see a registry as a guideline of their home and tastes while asking for cash is telling them to give a specific present. 

    Now if if there was some note that said "only get me gifts off this specific list" or that they can only be purchased at a certai store I'd find that just as rude as asking for cash. 

    I think it's great to try and signal you don't want a physical gift by not registering (and like @ernursej did decline any shower or other gift giving event), but I don't think it entitles the gift receive to outright tell the gift giver what to give.
    Also, everyone knows cash is a good gift, one doesn't need a registry to get cash. Just because someone has a traditional registry doesn't mean a guest has to buy from it either.

    What we must remember is a gift is just that- a gift. Never required, always appreciated in whatever form. Some people do not give cash gifts (it was once thought to be tacky- I think likely because you are point out how "much" you are giving), and never will. However, once a gift is given, the receiver is free to do what they want with it- keep it, sell it, re-gift it, donate it.

    I do understand your sentiments @KahluaKoala. I feel bad getting rid of a gift someone has given, even when it's something I'll never use. I feel like I *have* to keep it, at least for some time. I'm starting to change my thought process on this (following Marie Kondo's explanation of a gift), but it's still hard. Sometimes my family has bought me an expensive gift (my dad bought me a Royal Doulton doll one year for Christmas, because he wanted to make sure the value of the gifts given to myself and my brothers was equal), and I honestly would prefer the cash to buy something else. But at the end of the day- that is not my decision to make. I have also learned when my family asks what I want, it is better to either give them an idea (akin to a registry) or tell them I don't need anything.
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    Two of my friends got married while in college (they were seniors, the rest of us were juniors). After a hotel room I had about $20 to use on a gift from both me and now-H. I was 20 and believed that a guests SHOULD try to match what their plate cost but that with fancy country club/premium bar that simply wasn't happening.

    I checked out the registry, saw there were a ton of baking supplies on their so I bought the $5 measuring cups, $5 spatula and 2 $5 baking cookbooks from marshalls (not on the registry). I was really happy with it, and received a really nice thank you card and a picture of something the wife baked from one of the cookbooks.

    4 Other friends all pitched in $20 and bought this enormous tv (wedding was 2011 so idk where they even got they big box tv) with no box, no receipt, just a  big bow and a card taped to it. 4 months later when they were moving, I saw the tv on criagslist as a curb alert becasue goodwill didn't accept it. 


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    edited June 2016



    Okay so maybe exact but pretty damned close 


    ETA @kmmssg

    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
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