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Cake and Punch Reception

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Re: Cake and Punch Reception

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited June 2016
    scribe95 said:
    I see absolutely nothing wrong with saying "dinner and dancing" to follow or "cake and punch reception" to follow. Can't think of any etiquette rule it would break.
    My family is Catholic. Most have had 1,2 or 3 O'clock ceremonies, immediately followed by cocktail hour, four course dinner and dancing. We know there's going to be a meal, but some of the guests might not know that it will be 4 -6 hour reception and you probably shouldn't  eat first. And you might need to let the babysitter know. If it's a cake and punch reception, it's good to know that, also. My family members wouldn't know that based on the time of the reception.

    Jen4948 said:
    There's another reason not to put it on an invitation...it opens the door to opinions and judgment from the recipients about the entertainment you're having. Gracious guests will accept your hospitality without comment, schedule as they need to around it, and get anything you aren't providing on their own time and dime. Nongracious guests will complain and bitch because you're doing such-and-such, and it's just so wrong!
    Any guests who think the information provided in an invitation is open to criticism or discussion are absolutely rude. I suspect those are the types of people who will complain regardless of the info provided on the invitation. 


    edit - grammar
                       
    Pinksatin91016[Deleted User]Sherbie25
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I agree that they'll probably complain no matter what, but why feed their need?
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    I agree that they'll probably complain no matter what, but why feed their need?
    If you don't tell them that a full meal will follow then they may see the time and think that they need to eat a full meal.

    If all guests thought that my 2 PM ceremony meant that our reception was just cake and punch then they would have shown up to our reception and thought that we over-fed them.

    I don't think it's necessary to explain all types of what you're doing at the reception but in this case guests knew that at 4 PM, they were stepping into a cocktail hour followed by an early dinner and it allowed for them to plan their lunches appropriately.

    Likewise, I'd WANT to know if it's just cake and punch so I can show up with a fuller stomach.   Otherwise I'm far more likely to leave the reception early for no other reason than I'm reaching the need for more food. 

    Those that will complain anyway will find a reason to complain about anything.   One of my guests thought that we picked a bad venue before he ate a bite of anything.   Those that can't be pleased won't be pleased regardless of action.   Those who can be pleased by planning will appreciate that they knew we were serving a meal and that they got to choose in advance. 
    I think you misunderstood my post. What I meant was, if people are going to complain anyway and will find a reason, why give them that reason?
  • Jen4948 said:
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    I agree that they'll probably complain no matter what, but why feed their need?
    If you don't tell them that a full meal will follow then they may see the time and think that they need to eat a full meal.

    If all guests thought that my 2 PM ceremony meant that our reception was just cake and punch then they would have shown up to our reception and thought that we over-fed them.

    I don't think it's necessary to explain all types of what you're doing at the reception but in this case guests knew that at 4 PM, they were stepping into a cocktail hour followed by an early dinner and it allowed for them to plan their lunches appropriately.

    Likewise, I'd WANT to know if it's just cake and punch so I can show up with a fuller stomach.   Otherwise I'm far more likely to leave the reception early for no other reason than I'm reaching the need for more food. 

    Those that will complain anyway will find a reason to complain about anything.   One of my guests thought that we picked a bad venue before he ate a bite of anything.   Those that can't be pleased won't be pleased regardless of action.   Those who can be pleased by planning will appreciate that they knew we were serving a meal and that they got to choose in advance. 
    I think you misunderstood my post. What I meant was, if people are going to complain anyway and will find a reason, why give them that reason?
    My point is that in my own example, I included a response card that requested a meal choice of my guests which conveyed information that a meal was going to be served.   It allowed them to plan.

    In my circle, I'd expect a meal regardless of the time of day.   So if there was no note about the meal request, I'd go expecting to eat lunch or dinner.   If I showed up on an empty stomach to find that there was no food then I don't know that I'd think poorly of the hosts but I would think I'd have to leave if I was super hungry.

    So while I agree that one should not put "dinner and dancing" on the invitation itself, it makes far more sense to include the amount of food that is being served somewhere in the contents of the invitation so the guests are able to plan. 
    MairePoppyMesmrEwePrettyGirlLost
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited June 2016
    scribe95 said:
    I'm still waiting for an actual etiquette reason not to put basic information on the invite. 
    1.  Basic information is always included on the invitation:  who, what, when and where.  Reception food and dancing is NOT basic information.  It is the wedding ceremony that is the focus herre, not the reception.

    2.  For the guest to question what is being offered at any party or wedding is rude.

    3.  For today's big, expensive weddings, "Dinner and dancing" sounds like bragging, especially to someone who had a simple cake and punch reception..  "No Alcohol" or "Open Bar" should not be on the invitation, either.   The idea is that the guest attends the wedding to see the couple be married.  The couple then greets the guests and offers them refreshment (food and drink).  To question what kind of food will be available is rude, unless the hosts ask on the reply card, such as menu pre-selections or dietary restrictions.  Whether or not there will be dancing has no bearing on the way the guests should prepare for the day.

    "Reception to follow" covers everything.  This has been the standard etiquette for more than 100 years.  I don't see this one changing, though it is frequently broken, usually because the person who words the invitation is ignorant of the practice.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    OurWildKingdom
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    I agree that they'll probably complain no matter what, but why feed their need?
    If you don't tell them that a full meal will follow then they may see the time and think that they need to eat a full meal.

    If all guests thought that my 2 PM ceremony meant that our reception was just cake and punch then they would have shown up to our reception and thought that we over-fed them.

    I don't think it's necessary to explain all types of what you're doing at the reception but in this case guests knew that at 4 PM, they were stepping into a cocktail hour followed by an early dinner and it allowed for them to plan their lunches appropriately.

    Likewise, I'd WANT to know if it's just cake and punch so I can show up with a fuller stomach.   Otherwise I'm far more likely to leave the reception early for no other reason than I'm reaching the need for more food. 

    Those that will complain anyway will find a reason to complain about anything.   One of my guests thought that we picked a bad venue before he ate a bite of anything.   Those that can't be pleased won't be pleased regardless of action.   Those who can be pleased by planning will appreciate that they knew we were serving a meal and that they got to choose in advance. 
    I think you misunderstood my post. What I meant was, if people are going to complain anyway and will find a reason, why give them that reason?
    My point is that in my own example, I included a response card that requested a meal choice of my guests which conveyed information that a meal was going to be served.   It allowed them to plan.

    In my circle, I'd expect a meal regardless of the time of day.   So if there was no note about the meal request, I'd go expecting to eat lunch or dinner.   If I showed up on an empty stomach to find that there was no food then I don't know that I'd think poorly of the hosts but I would think I'd have to leave if I was super hungry.

    So while I agree that one should not put "dinner and dancing" on the invitation itself, it makes far more sense to include the amount of food that is being served somewhere in the contents of the invitation so the guests are able to plan. 
    Unfortunately, many things that would make sense in invitations are things strict etiquette doesn't allow.

    In this particular case I think the information could be provided by word of mouth or electronically - just not in the invitation.
    OurWildKingdomCMGragain
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    CMGragain said:
    scribe95 said:
    I'm still waiting for an actual etiquette reason not to put basic information on the invite. 
    1.  Basic information is always included on the invitation:  who, what, when and where.  Reception food and dancing is NOT basic information.  It is the wedding ceremony that is the focus herre, not the reception.

    2.  For the guest to question what is being offered at any party or wedding is rude.

    3.  For today's big, expensive weddings, "Dinner and dancing" sounds like bragging, especially to someone who had a simple cake and punch reception..  "No Alcohol" or "Open Bar" should not be on the invitation, either.   The idea is that the guest attends the wedding to see the couple be married.  The couple then greets the guests and offers them refreshment (food and drink).  To question what kind of food will be available is rude, unless the hosts ask on the reply card, such as menu pre-selections or dietary restrictions.  Whether or not there will be dancing has no bearing on the way the guests should prepare for the day.

    "Reception to follow" covers everything.  This has been the standard etiquette for more than 100 years.  I don't see this one changing, though it is frequently broken, usually because the person who words the invitation is ignorant of the practice.
    This explanation makes a lot of sense. You can always let people know the particulars when they RSVP.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    banana468 said:

    To the bold red, what if the event is a hosted meal that is a buffet and involves no pre-selection of a meal of the guests and yet the event is occurring at a time that one could think a meal isn't offered?

    And now a guest calling to ask, "Hey, should we plan to eat a big lunch or a small lunch?" is rude.   But if you plan a 2 PM wedding and a 4 PM reception with a meal to follow that doesn't involve a pre-selected meal, should your guests expect the meal?   If the guests don't eat the meal, are they rude for not eating what's provided because they were full?   Were the hosts rude to serve a meal that's akin to the time that my family serves a Sunday or holiday dinner?

    I'm sorry but I think that it's absolute bullshit to say that it's rude to state the type of reception that you're having when we're just talking about logistics and planning.  


    Woah! Do you know my MIL? She certainly thinks it's rude and very insulting to not eat the refreshments that the host provides. Saying, 'No thank you, I ate before I came to see you,' would be regarded as an insult. I tried that once and didn't dare do it again. 

    @OurWildKingdom Usually RSVPs for weddings are by mail. It doesn't make sense to contact the guests after they RSVP to let them know dinner will be served. It looks like you've decided to serve dinner after a head count was taken.


                       
    OurWildKingdomPrettyGirlLostlc07
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited June 2016
    banana468 said:

    To the bold red, what if the event is a hosted meal that is a buffet and involves no pre-selection of a meal of the guests and yet the event is occurring at a time that one could think a meal isn't offered?

    And now a guest calling to ask, "Hey, should we plan to eat a big lunch or a small lunch?" is rude.   But if you plan a 2 PM wedding and a 4 PM reception with a meal to follow that doesn't involve a pre-selected meal, should your guests expect the meal?   If the guests don't eat the meal, are they rude for not eating what's provided because they were full?   Were the hosts rude to serve a meal that's akin to the time that my family serves a Sunday or holiday dinner?

    I'm sorry but I think that it's absolute bullshit to say that it's rude to state the type of reception that you're having when we're just talking about logistics and planning.  


    Woah! Do you know my MIL? She certainly thinks it's rude and very insulting to not eat the refreshments that the host provides. Saying, 'No thank you, I ate before I came to see you,' would be regarded as an insult. I tried that once and didn't dare do it again. 

    @OurWildKingdom Usually RSVPs for weddings are by mail. It doesn't make sense to contact the guests after they RSVP to let them know dinner will be served. It looks like you've decided to serve dinner after a head count was taken.


    Good point, @MairePoppy. I suppose if guests are RSVP-ing (is that a word? It is now!) by phone or e-mail, it would be OK to inform them that way, but you're right, for RSVPs by mail, it wouldn't work.

    Also, your MIL sounds like both my grandmothers.  :)
    MairePoppy
  • It was a lot easier when most weddings were cake and punch in the afternoon.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    MobKazMesmrEweCaitFins
  • I understand the etiquette argument, but I'm still telling the people there is dinner on the invitation (the horror!). If someone is seriously going to be offended over something like this they are welcome to check that "decline" box. I can't think of anyone I'm inviting that will even think twice about it. I am not doing an insert for extra info. Only a one-sided invitation and an rsvp card. They will know dinner will follow the ceremony and probably live to tell the story.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    [Deleted User]MairePoppypoodledoodleooo
  • omg I just wanted to know what time of day to have a cake and punch wedding lol who decided all these etiquette rules anyway? Why do we still have to follow them? Screw the rules, fuck the rules. Some etiquette rules say that I can't wear pants because I'm a girl. Who chooses what time period these rules come from? Who chooses what rules are okay to break? 

    I'm having a 30 minute ceremony starting at either 1:30 or 2pm. I'm not paying for a giant packet of information to be sent to 25 people when I can call or text most of them, so I will be saying "Cake and Punch Reception to Follow!" on the invitation. I may decide to get some pretty platters and throw some grocery store food on there for my guests that want a little more than cake (although that's crazy. Even the Beatles said "All you need is cake"..or is that love?). I thank everyone for your advice and opinions, please feel free to continue discussing this as it may still be helpful for other brides that need help. :smile: 
    "Let me give you some advice. Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you." - Tyrion Lannister
    Tyvm
  • scribe95 said:
    I'm still waiting for an actual etiquette reason not to put basic information on the invite. 
    The short answer is that there is no etiquette reason not to include a single line stating "Cake and Punch reception to follow" or "Dinner and Dancing to Follow" on the actual invitation.

    If a person is going to get his or her panties in a wad at seeing those phrases on an invitation and not an an additional insert card, then they need a hobby or some cognitive behavioral adjustments, but it's not bad hosting to include that info.

    Not everyone wants to pay for and send out the 35lb trifold invitation with 101 inserts.

    This explanation makes a lot of sense. You can always let people know the particulars when they RSVP.

    Uh, no. 



    httpvignette1wikianocookienetstarpolarimages66bNotimejpgrevisionlatestcb20150225125846


    I have already called/emailed/FB messaged 100+ people to get their addresses for STDs, then did it all over again to determine their relationship status so I can be sure to invite their SOs, and now I should personally contact all these people all over again after they RSVP? 

    Or I could have been One and Done with a line on the invitation?

    Be prepared to clutch your pearls. . .





    That's exactly my point.   We invited over 200 people to our wedding.  Our response cards included (and were technically bad etiquette) the need for guests to (GASP!) choose their meals.

    Are you telling me that if I had a buffet I should have called each person who accepted the invitation to say, "Oh, BTW, we're going to serve a full meal.  I hope you eat it."

    Give me a break.  Of all the etiquette "rules" out there this is one of the most ridiculous I've seen.  


    MairePoppyPrettyGirlLostDrillSergeantCatpoodledoodleooo
  • So let me get this straight: it is boastful and unseemly to acknowledge serving dinner but lovely and gracious to actually do so?  How does that make a modicum of sense?  And can you imagine if people followed this "rule" on other invitations?  Want to invite some friends over for a dinner party?  "Join us at our home at 7 PM for...unspecified events."  Is 7 dinner time?  It would be for me, but for some 5 is dinner and 7 is non-mealtime.  Receive an invite for a late morning event?  Should you "just know" it's brunch or should you "just know" that it's not mealtime so no meal will be served?

    Look, people just want to know whether to eat ahead of time.  Nobody is going to come or not come based on the nature of the food being served, and if there is anyone in your circle who is that gauche you don't need that person in your life anyway.  It is a good thing to let people know what to expect.
    I just laughed so hard I snorted at this!


    But yes - there are some people in our circle who eat dinner promptly at 6 every evening. H and I tend to eat between 7 and 8:30 most nights. 

    I think providing meal information is a nice courtesy - especially where people will need additional travel/getting ready time that would make it difficult to eat beforehand.
    MairePoppyPrettyGirlLostmadamerwin
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I'm thinking the pearl-clutchers will have a conniption upon hearing that I'm asking people to RSVP online only.
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'm thinking the pearl-clutchers will have a conniption upon hearing that I'm asking people to RSVP online only.
    We have a lot of older relatives and friends who choose not to do much online, so we're putting both our phone numbers and my e-mail address on the invitations. I may even do an RSVP card for those who would prefer that.
    SP29CMGragain
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    @holyguacamole79 my FMIL actually told me she would absolutely not RSVP any other way. The majority of our guests are our age and very familiar with the Internet. 
  • TyvmTyvm member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    edited June 2016
    I'm thinking the pearl-clutchers will have a conniption upon hearing that I'm asking people to RSVP online only.
    @DrillSergeantCat We're doing the same thing, but likely sending post cards as invitations with a URL to the RSVP & website. Anyone who we suspect is not Internet-enabled (i.e., those with no email address, those who don't own a computer, etc.) gets a hand-written letter with an address and a phone number (and maybe some website print-outs if I'm feeling generous). But this is like ~6 households out of 60? So the times really are a changin'!


    k thnx bye

    OurWildKingdomDrillSergeantCat
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @holyguacamole79 my FMIL actually told me she would absolutely not RSVP any other way. The majority of our guests are our age and very familiar with the Internet. 
    If you're confident that nobody on your guest list would have issues, then there is no issue. 
    CMGragainMesmrEweOurWildKingdom
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