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Ugh on my mother

indigo26indigo26 member
First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
in Snarky Brides
I'm going to indulge in a vent somewhere that my mother will probably never see so bear with me.

Background: My mom has always been "meh" towards any of my milestones past high school graduation. College graduation? "Thanks for fucking up my taxes by graduating at the end of December. Now I can't claim you next year." Moving out to my own place? "You better find time to move without intruding on MY time (aka when I expect you to be doing chores). And now I have to rework the family budget since you're fucking me over by not paying rent and utilities anymore." Got engaged? "That was quick. I hope you're not expecting me to contribute anything for the wedding."

So somehow I shouldn't be surprised that she's treating my  wedding like an inconvenience, but it still irritates me. So far she's gotten an attitude when I invite her to come along for any wedding related stuff except for the caterer tasting. The appointments she does deign to come along to, she complains the entire time. But when I don't invite her to things she throws a fit about being left out. My bachelorette party was this past weekend, being thrown by some mutual friends of FI and I. She hates these friends and had a craft show all day on Saturday, so I didn't invite her. She threw a bitch fit, even after admitting that she wouldn't have come anyways. She hates my stepdad (still married to and living with him though) and got pissed when I told her that I would have him walk me partway down the aisle, then she could walk me the rest of the way. Is it horrible that I'm hoping she does one of her "I'm not talking to you" spats right before the wedding?

I know I can't change her, just how I react to her. But seriously, I'm getting so tired of her shit. Vent over - now I'm going to drink a margarita and eat some ice cream. 
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Re: Ugh on my mother

  • TyvmTyvm member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    So somehow I shouldn't be surprised that she's treating my  wedding like an inconvenience, but it still irritates me. So far she's gotten an attitude when I invite her to come along for any wedding related stuff except for the caterer tasting. The appointments she does deign to come along to, she complains the entire time. But when I don't invite her to things she throws a fit about being left out. My bachelorette party was this past weekend, being thrown by some mutual friends of FI and I. She hates these friends and had a craft show all day on Saturday, so I didn't invite her. She threw a bitch fit, even after admitting that she wouldn't have come anyways. She hates my stepdad (still married to and living with him though) and got pissed when I told her that I would have him walk me partway down the aisle, then she could walk me the rest of the way. Is it horrible that I'm hoping she does one of her "I'm not talking to you" spats right before the wedding?
    @indigo26 You'll run out of vendor visits eventually, and then you can just be all vague for awhile, "We haven't decided on X yet." Soon.

    k thnx bye

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  • indigo26indigo26 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Actually most of the vendor visits are over since the wedding is July 9th. I'm being vague with things like how much beer and wine we're buying because while she drinks, she disapproves of drinking in others. My plan for the reception is to put her at one table with her few friends and my stepdad on the other side of the room with my brothers. Even then I'm bracing for some sort of drama from her. 

    Honestly this vent is because last Friday she told me that packing up for her craft show was more important than watching me try on a dress again (first alterations appointment and I'm clueless on dresses). When I stopped by to show her my hair trial before the alterations appointment she said "That's nice" before she launched into a tirade about my stepdad. She demanded to know if I was going to come to her craft show (an hour away) to help her run her booth - that's when I mentioned the bach party and she started snarking about how it would've been nice to be invited. I told her our lake friends were throwing it for me and got an "Oh, well I don't want to be around those people." Then when I finally got home, I got a RSVP card from one of her friends - stating that her husband had died last November. I was crying because they'd been married for 66 years and were an amazing couple so I texted my mom instead of calling her. She went off on me, wanting to know why no one had called her about it. At that point I turned my phone off because I just couldn't deal with her anymore. 
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  • TyvmTyvm member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    @indigo26 Yeah, that sucks. The best you can do is become increasingly vague and not ask her opinion on things. Like, anything. Maybe not even the death of her friend's partner.

    I kept getting burned because I kept expecting my mother to be supportive...when she never really was before (she's supportive in her own way, but not the way that I need/expected nor the generally accepted definition of supportive, lol). When I stopped expecting her to be or act a certain way, I stopped getting so disappointed. Which is not a great solution either, but it is what it is.

    k thnx bye

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  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2016
    ernursej said:
    I'm lucky that my Mom is awesome. My sister sounds a lot like your Mom. Pissed if she is invited or asked an opinion, even more pissed if not invited or asked for an opinion. To deal with the latest pissy event, I'm having a Whistler chestnut ale and a bowl of ice cream ... cheers!
    The more I read here about MOBs and FMILs/MILs, the more grateful I am. FMIL is out of state so not involved with planning, but very supportive, plus we adore each other. My Mom has been just the right balance of involved and not, and when she does get carried away, I remember that she probably thought that I would never get married, given my history. I'm her only daughter, she loves FW, of course she's excited!

    @Indigo26, I'm so sorry you're going through this with your mother. Keep venting, and best of luck!
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  • indigo26indigo26 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    @Tyvm - I'm slowly changing my expectations of her and what I feel is supportive vs what she actually does. I guess I had this naive expectation that she would be even the littlest bit nice about the process. Wasn't hoping for excited, but nice would have been.... well, nice.  

    @ernursej  - You nailed it! She's either pissed that you asked her or pissed that you didn't. There is no winning at all and just a lot of her being pissy. 

    I'm coping by drinking margaritas and selectively ignoring my phone. Cheers everyone!
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    @indigo26, Your mom sounds like she may have narcissistic personality disorder. She sees everything only from the perspective of how it affects her.  Did it get it right?
    Your mother will not change into another person just because it is your wedding.  Do your planning without her.  Stop trying to please her or involve her in your plans.  Not everybody has supportive families.  There are lots of brides who share your pain.
    This is the best book I have read on the subject:  http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436?ie=UTF8&keywords=will i ever be good enough healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers&qid=1465346312&ref_=sr_1_1&sr=8-1
    It might help you understand her and your own expectations a little better.  It really helped me.

    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • TyvmTyvm member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    @Tyvm - I'm slowly changing my expectations of her and what I feel is supportive vs what she actually does. I guess I had this naive expectation that she would be even the littlest bit nice about the process. Wasn't hoping for excited, but nice would have been.... well, nice.
    Yeah, @indigo26 , it's important to remember that weddings won't change people. Just expect more of the same...

    k thnx bye

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  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Sorry to hear your mom is being less than ideal Indigo. That's really shitty.... and it's definitely uncalled for, you have done nothing wrong.

    I have not been to a bachelorette party where Mom is invited- maybe to the dinner portion, but not that rest. My friends played pin the penis on the naked male game at my bach- sorry Mom, (even though she'd probably do the same thing with her own friends) I don't want you there for that!.

    Anyway, I hope you have some good support in your FI and other friends. Share your excitement with those who want to be excited for you. {hugs} and rant here anytime you'd like.
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  • tigerlily6tigerlily6 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I also extend my sympathy -- definitely a margarita and ice cream worthy situation you got there. 

    Please feel free to vent as needed, as sometimes I think that alone can be helpful. Also try to just keep focused on the positives and surround yourself with the people you know will be sharing your joy. 
                        


    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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  • indigo26indigo26 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I started reading the reviews of the book - sounds like something I need to order. I've dealt with years of my mother doing things like calling me a whore, telling me I was lazy (when I was working two jobs and paying rent and utilities to her). She demanded complete access to my email and grades in college because she felt that filling out a FAFSA every year meant she was paying for my college. She would threaten to not fill out my FAFSA and force me to drop out of college if I didn't behave.

    I am lucky to have a very supportive FI and several amazing friends. Several of my friends have offered to quietly escort my mother out if she starts causing a scene (not sure if I'll take them up on that or not). 
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited June 2016
    The typical narcissistic mother behaves while in public.  I doubt she will cause a scene during your ceremony and reception.  She will pitch a fit before and after it, though.
    Very few people were aware of my mother's disorder.  She did lose a few friends who caught her when she didn't have her public face on.  The lies she told were quite inventive and always featured herself as the heroine, martyr, or victim.  In public she was the loving mother.  In private she was horribly abusive.
    When my DH asked me to marry him and move 1100 miles away, I jumped at the chance.  Distance does help maintain a civil relationship, but it can't be a loving one. 
    Narcissistic people are incapable of empathy or love.  It isn't their fault.  They didn't choose to be this way.  There is no treatment for a personality disorder because they will not admit that they can do anything wrong.  The people around them need to understand that it is not their fault, either.  She cannot change.  You can learn how to deal with the abuse, though and change the way you relate to her.  You also need to protect any future children from her.
    I highly recommend the book.  Every member of my family (except mother) has read it.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • indigo26indigo26 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    @CMGragain - That book is definitely on my "order when I get paid" list now. Hopefully I won't have to worry about the future children though - my FI is significantly older than me and we're quite happy only being cat parents. 

    I do want to thank everyone for being so supportive for my venting. Sometimes it is nice to have others tell you that you've done nothing wrong and that its not your fault - especially when those people are un-invested strangers. 
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    If that were my mom I definitely would not invite her and I wouldn't feel an ounce of sorrow, nor would I care if she pitched a fit. 
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