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Moms and Maids
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[Deleted User]
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Wedding
Thank you
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Re: Wedding
However, I do think you have a right to be upset at the food. This doesn't sound like a wedding or shower problem, it sounds like a family relationship problem. Does your mom not believe you about your gluten allergy? Has she in the past gone out of our her way to make sure you have food to eat at events she has hosted? If not, you really shouldn't expect her to change because a wedding is involved. More often than not, the wedding just really highlights what the standing problem has already been.
With that said, you need to let go of your resentment for the shower itself. It sounds like a lot of people came and enjoyed themselves and showered with you with gifts. Focus on that, not the long standing problems with your mom.
That at being said I think you need to look at your behavior and gain a little perspective. To the first bolded; it is no one's responsibility to do any work for your wedding besides you and your FI. If there are time sensitive crafts or projects they are on the two of you to do them, not your sisters or your BMs. It's was rude to ask them to do any work for your wedding.
To the second bolded; she's your flower girl and your niece, she should have been invited if her parents were. Now I understand adult weddings and parties are the prerogative of the host, but she's a member of the wedding party and I agree she should have been invited. Although if you really didn't want her there you should have talked to your brother directly, which you chose not to do.
Finally, if your health situation is that dire where you became sick even after eating you should have been prepared. Yes, they needed more food. And they should have had food that was gf/df. But if your health is put in danger by not having a particular amount of food or specific food you should have spoken up that you needed something else or brought some in case of emergency. But sitting there getting sick, if you didn't say anything while it was happening, is no else's fault.
This advice may sound direct and blunt, but I think you should adjust your expectations a little. It's wonderful they offered to throw a shower for you. And it sucks it didn't go exactly as you wanted. But that's no reason to feel traumatized, heartbroken, or to not enjoy the generous gifts that people purchased for you.
As the hostess, your mother gets to decide who is invited. If she wanted to invite your niece, that was her prerogative. And it's not your mom's, MOHs', or sisters' job to help you address your invitations - that's your and your FI's job. And if your sisters really were taking a lot of time out of their lives to help with the shower, then expecting more of them was expecting too much. I think you need to let these things go.
But as for the food, your mother was wrong to leave you with so little to eat and to yell at you over it. That's on her.
First, props to Kimmie and Charlotte for quoting the TRUE OP. (ETA - Even though special snowflake OP got the XO PTB to change it out) I suddenly got confused at the end where the edited OP mentions the niece but I read nothing else about her in the edited OP.
Onto OP. There is a lot going on in your post. But to say that you are traumatized by what happened at the shower, is a great overstatement. People were traumatized by the events of what happened in Orlando on Saturday night/Sunday morning. I don't try to minimize or doubt people's feelings on here, but I think you need put some things in perspective.
It seems like your family has a history of not respecting you, including your FG/DF diet. Did you think that would change because you are getting married and a party was going to be centered around you? If you have such blood sugar issues, don't you usually carry some light snacks in your purse? Could you have not had some sweetened ice tea or soda to help with your blood sugar going down?
For your niece, it would have been rude to uninvited her after your mom extended the invitation to her. It is also common to have all WP members invited to all showers, so having your niece there makes sense. She is in the WP. (ETA - OP wanted her mom to uninvite niece/FG. MOB said she would need to tell her brother himself that niece is not invited.)
Lastly, you still have another shower coming up. Are the guest lists crossing over in anyway? Just because you have a couples shower and then a ladies only shower does not mean the guests lists should cross over at all with the exception of the WP and the couples' immediate family members. Having multiple showers with overlapped guest lists can come across as very gift grabby. If your guest lists have in deed crossed over, I would cancel or decline the ladies only shower.
Your sisters were right to decline to assist in putting rhinestones on your invites. That is something you and your FI should be doing. If any of your WP offers their assistance, you can take them up on it. But you shouldn't be asking them and then complaining when they don't help. It is up to you and your FI to fully plan and execute your wedding, whether that is delegating to other (paid) people or doing it all yourself. Your BP is not free labor for you to use whenever you want or need. (ETA- OP's sisters declined to help with the rhinestones because they were too busy planning the couples shower. The rhinestones was an emergency task since the wedding is in Sept. Even if the wedding were Sept 1st, invites don't need to go out till at least July 1st - so OP had at least 2 weeks to get it done on her own.)
We were all traumatized by the events of Orlando. Orlando was a tragic event that hit my family personally. I even took time out of the shower to honor all of the people that were senselessly killed. I even thought about postponing the shower. Orlando is still affecting all of us today.
Regarding the invitations, my WP (sisters included) stated that they want to and will help with everything I need help. This was the one and only thing that I have needed help with. It was a time deadline. I'm sorry if you didn't have such a gracious WP for your wedding. If I feel frustrated or annoying by the way my sisters responded, then I'm entitled to feel that way. Regardless of how you THINK I should feel.
I think traumatized is an appropriate way of stating how I feel. You don't have to like it that I feel this way. You don't have to agree with it. Perhaps you are a a stronger person than me. There is such a thing as emotional trauma. "Trauma is often the result of an overwhelming amount of stress that exceeds one's ability to cope, or integrate the emotions involved with that experience." When I'm made to feel guilty over not being able to eat the food, by my own mother, even after repeatedly thanking her for all that she has done with the shower, it fucks with your head and makes integrating emotions impossible.
I was unable to eat anything else. I even asked if there was something else for me to eat. I was given another rice krispie to help with the blood sugar. It helped for an hour. Then it dropped again. That's when my fiance and I left the party--to get me some food.
Seems like you have it all figured out.
And I agree that the flower girl is a member of the wedding party- I've been to a handful of bridal showers where the only child was the flower girl (and I'll also go so far as to say that I've attended weddings with other children in attendance when my own were not invited...no biggie) - if guests get huffy at the sight of a child when their own wasn't invited, that's on them, not you. I'm not totally positive why you're having a flower girl in your wedding when you and your FI cannot "feel comfortable being ourselves and not having to worry about kids running around" at a shower.
I agree with you that having a fight with my mom, and seeing her with tears in her eyes would make me feel upset too. Heartbroken and borderline traumatized, no, but to each their own.
Also a helpful tip- during my pregnancies when my body had bad reactions to certain foods, I carried snacks and foods that I knew wouldn't make me ill, and I never had to worry about feeling hungry at parties, etc. It's frustrating that your mom didn't have more gf/df food but since you've been living with these issues for 5 years now, and you possibly could for much longer, packing your own food will really help. Not making light of your frustration on this particular issue, just trying to pass along something that helped me.
My friends asked countless times if they could help with my wedding projects. I turned down each one. You know who did the projects? Me. And my husband. That's it. You shouldn't be "calling upon" your loved ones to help you complete these tasks. That's incredibly rude.
Nice try deleting things from your OP. You were already quoted, so thankfully we can still see what you originally posted.
Put your big girl undies on and move the fuck on regarding the shower. You're being totally over dramatic. You had people come out and give you gifts, and you're focusing on the food. Really? Doesn't that seem silly?
It looks like so much has been redacted from this post you'd think it was Dick Cheney's bridal shower.
So the only main issue I can see is that mom either has no idea about the severity of your food issues, she knows and doesn't care or she's just flaky.
But if everything else about your shower was great except the food I'd try to move on from this.
If you know that you have blood sugar issues why didn't you grab the food you could eat when you were filling your plate? If I started to feel off I would have walked into the kitchen to figure out what I could eat or I would have asked someone even my SO to run out and grab some food that I could consume. It's no fun to feel like you're about to pass out but I think you're not seeing the forest for the trees here.
I did take everything I could eat. When I finished my plate, I realized that I was still hungry. I went back for me yet it was all gone.
I did not bring extra food for me because I was told that there would be tons of food. I even requested that there be food for me to eat. Unfortunately, I trusted that that would be the case and I was wrong.
I can only imagine being hangry and ready to PTFO while in my parents' home unable to eat a thing. The scenario sucks.
BUT, if it's at all possible, try to remember the nice things she DID do.
And in the future, can you do things like keep a supply of nuts in your purse?
As I said in my original post, you don't have a wedding problem, you have a mom problem. As I previously asked, is she always like this? Has she always disrespected your new dietary needs? What do the both of you do when she hosts family dinners? You either need to find a way to explain to your mom the severity of your diet restrictions or always plan on packing your own food when she hosts.
I'm a psycho about making sure I have options for all of my company when I host something; probably because I work in catering on the side so I know how important food safety and allergies are. I think it's shitty that your mom disrespects you and your health like that. But you have a say in how you respond and react to it and whatever you have been doing clearly isn't working.
These issues are SO trivial. Please read the news and gain some perspective.
You should know by now that if you have a condition requiring that you eat only certain types of food that you should bring snacks with you in the event that you aren't able to eat the food provided. Yes it sucks that your mom didn't provide food you could eat but it sounds like there are issues with her from before the shower so..... you probably could benefit from lowered expectations.
OP- I think you need to separate the wedding/shower from your mom. While the food sucked, and I can understand being hangry (I get hangry really easy), you still enjoyed a party with your friends and family- focus on that.
As for your mother, from what you've said, this isn't the first time this issue has come up. Again, take the wedding out and realize your mom isn't going to be any different. Does it suck? Yes. As a host, I like to make sure there is something for everyone to eat.
I have a couple of friends who also have dietary issues (dairy allergy/ gluten free, gluten free vegan) and both have said they have some issues with certain family members. Either outward judgement or passive comments. Often it comes down to the person either not understanding the severity or not understand how/what to make.
My friends have had to be very particular and ask, "What EXACTLY did you use to make this?". A lot of it comes down to the host, but my friends have said their family will ask, "What can I make for you?", "What can I use instead of X?". In the case of family members who they know just don't "get it", they say that they always offer to bring a side that they know they can eat. Of course you shouldn't be bringing food to your own shower, but maybe you just need to accept that when you go to your mom's you know you need to bring some snacks. Or for your next shower, ask one of your aunts if they can make X dish.
OP - it was your blood sugar and your Mom being her normal self that you're disappointed. Those two details have nothing to do with any of the other details and should not cloud your memory of the day, instead focus on the positive aspects.
This is a good note for the future in that you need to plan ahead! What happens when your caterer puts butter on the tables? Is that going to ruin your entire wedding day - of course not! But remember this, your food allergies/intolerances are no one but your own responsibility to manage. The BBQ very well could have had gluten/dairy in it even without the bun, then what would you have done? When you have blood sugar issues - you ALWAYS carry something with you, it's the nature of the beast. Never let yourself go someplace where someone else controls the food starving because it happens! Someone puts something on the food innocently and suddenly you can't eat it. Or, you send your FI out to grab you something that you can discretely eat since this was at their house. This is why on the food boards we always say do things like serve the salad plain with dressing on the side, have one plain protein as an option, it's about accommodating guests you may not know they have an allergy/intolerance nor know how to accommodate it part of being a good host, not everyone thinks about such things, it is what it is, and it's also a choice to get worked up about it or not. My IL side - it's like a military operation keeping track of everyone's intolerances, allergies, and then the latest eating fad by SIL/BIL, but we manage (We have dairy, gluten, pepper, banana, ginger, nuts, and on again off again vegetarians). When someone else controls the food, it's up to you to plan ahead "just in case" because they don't understand it's not as simple as "just don't eat the bun", they "don't get it", and probably never will, so you manage what you're given to work with and make the conscious choice to not let it forever bother you. You do however can plan ahead in the future by asking "Specifically what are you serving that is gluten/dairy free?" and "oh there's going to be a TON of food, there should be something for you no problem" is not an acceptable answer! And if anything, you just say "o.k. I'll bring something along" and choose not to be snarky about it!
OP - I'm really sorry that the shower didn't meet your expectations. That sucks. You can feel anyway you want, but I do think that you need to feel the emotions and then find the perspective.
Have it out (in private) about everything that didn't go the way you had thought it would, about how things are with your Mother etc. Have a decent cry. Then, switch the perspective to looking for things you did like and that did go as expected. You may have to dig deep to find those things, but dig. When you find those, write them down and put those notes in a place where you are keeping cards/things about your wedding. You might also use those ideas for your thank you cards for the hosts of the shower.
As someone with a severe allergy, I have been in your shoes. I remember feeling like no one cared and even that they wanted me to die because they didn't have options I could eat despite my asking ahead of time if I could bring something and that I had "x" allergy. I went home, had a big cry and then came up with a game plan. I now carry my "Oops bag" that has non perishable items that I can eat so I'm never in that situation again. I've realized that no one is responsible for dealing with my allergy except me. It is great when people go the extra mile to accommodate me or help me navigate but it is never expected.
ETA: TREATS
You cannot help how you feel but you can help how you react to them, if you had an allergic reaction or you had to go to hospital because your blood sugar dropped so low then yes that could definitely ruin your shower but it didn't. You didn't get enough to eat and then drove home and ate, problem solved!
Next time you feel that you're getting overwhelmed just put it in perspective and say to yourself 'a lot of things in life don't matter.' Talk with your mum and simply tell her that it upset you that you weren't catered for and for future reference you would appreciate it if you were told before what was being served so that you can eat before if you need to.
Not trying to sound rude but honestly if you feel that this is a traumatic event then i hope you don't have anything actually traumatic happen in your life.
Ditto pps. This was not a traumatic event. And it's pretty disgusting that op is trying to justify this as trauma. Sexual abuse is traumatic. Death is traumatic. Natural disasters are traumatic. Having to eat Rice Krispies to keep your blood sugar up is inconvenient. Plus, you're seriously telling me there literally wasn't anything else more complex to help your blood sugar? Not even a jar of peanut butter in the kitchen? I don't believe it. I hear a lot of martyrdom in OPs posts.
OP, get some perspective. A ton of people came and showered you with love and gifts. And yet you're focused on beef brisket and salad. Get over it. Why would you expect your mom to act differently just because there is a wedding involved? And I can't see your OP, but I take pps word about what was said. The only people required to plan, pay, and decorate for your wedding are you and FI. The only thing required for your BP is to show up, on time, sober, and in the correct attire.
I wanted to let you know I was the one who edited the post (mods had nothing to do with this). It's not my policy to do so, ever. However, I got push back from my upper upper management that I had to address and unfortunately in this instance my hands were tied. I understand why you're upset, I'm not happy about it either. It's something I'm speaking to my manager about today.
Let me know if you have any questions.
Any idea why this post was told to be edited when there wasn't anything offensive or had details that were identifying, which has been the standard (at least that's my understanding)?
And I read the original OP. There was no identifying info. She mentioned her brother's daughter and her sisters. She never named names. Everything was in generalities. She is also a Knottie#, there are tons of them floating around on this board. How was anyone supposed to figure out who the "real" Knottie# was?
ETA: @OliveOilsMom we also updated her username to a generic Knottie#'s it was originally more identifying