Wedding Etiquette Forum

Cake and Punch Reception

135

Re: Cake and Punch Reception

  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited June 2016
    There is nothing wrong with online RSVPs.  Nobody ever said that there was.  I do think it is nice to give your guests a choice of how to respond, though.
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  • @Tyvm just be careful about th postcard invites. I've heard they get lost in the mail very easily. 
  • TyvmTyvm member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    edited June 2016
    @Ironring We sent out postcard STDs and the success rate was pretty good (small sample, only people we asked=immediate family) and I think I'm having pretty good success rates on my Thank You postcards. Between STDs and the female VIPs being invited to showers, I figure most people will have at least an informal head's up about the date before the invitations even go out.

    I'm planning to give us an extra week or two buffer on the "RSVP by" deadline so we can call up anyone who may've had a lost postcard. There is just so.much.paper involved with weddings!


    k thnx bye

  • @Tyvm awesome, sounds like you have it well covered then!
  • banana468 said:
    To the bold red, what if the event is a hosted meal that is a buffet and involves no pre-selection of a meal of the guests and yet the event is occurring at a time that one could think a meal isn't offered?

    And now a guest calling to ask, "Hey, should we plan to eat a big lunch or a small lunch?" is rude.   But if you plan a 2 PM wedding and a 4 PM reception with a meal to follow that doesn't involve a pre-selected meal, should your guests expect the meal?   If the guests don't eat the meal, are they rude for not eating what's provided because they were full?   Were the hosts rude to serve a meal that's akin to the time that my family serves a Sunday or holiday dinner?

    I'm sorry but I think that it's absolute bullshit to say that it's rude to state the type of reception that you're having when we're just talking about logistics and planning.  


    Are you Catholic? Knowing how long Catholic weddings are, I wouldn't necessarily expect a meal at a Catholic wedding where the ceremony began at 2:00, but I would assume that if the reception is still going on in the evening, then a meal would be involved.

    However, at a Protestant wedding I would definitely not expect a meal for a ceremony that starts at 2:00. Many Protestant ceremonies I've been to have been as short as 15 minutes, and none were longer than 45 minutes.

    I don't really think "dinner and dancing" is bragging or that it's necessary to write "cake and punch reception" in this case. I think most guests figure it out either way and will eat according to their normal schedules either way. I did once see a wedding invitation that mentioned the open bar, which I actually did find a bit braggy.


  • MrsAitch said:
    Are you Catholic? Knowing how long Catholic weddings are, I wouldn't necessarily expect a meal at a Catholic wedding where the ceremony began at 2:00, but I would assume that if the reception is still going on in the evening, then a meal would be involved.

    However, at a Protestant wedding I would definitely not expect a meal for a ceremony that starts at 2:00. Many Protestant ceremonies I've been to have been as short as 15 minutes, and none were longer than 45 minutes.

    I don't really think "dinner and dancing" is bragging or that it's necessary to write "cake and punch reception" in this case. I think most guests figure it out either way and will eat according to their normal schedules either way. I did once see a wedding invitation that mentioned the open bar, which I actually did find a bit braggy.
    Most Catholic weddings I have been to have been 45mins long, and the longest were 1hr.  That's really no different than Protestant weddings.

    And the length of the ceremony has no bearing on whether or not I'd expect an actual meal at the reception.  The start time and total of the reception is what determines that.

    So no matter what kind of ceremony you have and no matter how long it lasts, if it starts at 2pm but your reception spans 3:30pm-8pm I'd expect a meal because "dinner time" is anywhere from 5pm-7pm for a lot of people.

    That's why we tell people who aren't planning on serving a meal to make sure their afternoon reception ends by 5pm or that their evening reception doesn't begin until 7:30pm or 8pm.

    I had a full Catholic mass at 3pm and I served a full meal at my reception.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • banana468 said:
    Yes I'm Catholic.   But my point is more that has to do with how this "etiquette" advise is bogus.

    I have never seen a reception card indicate an end time.   So unless you tell the guests what kind of reception it is, they could very well expect or  not expect a meal.

    OR, you could do this CRAZY thing and TELL YOUR GUESTS WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO SO IT'S EASY ON THEM.

    I'm all about not having a cash bar, paying for parking, having a rain plan and no gap.   But you're never going to convince me that it's somehow bad to tell the guests what to expect at the event that you're hosting.
    Most invitations don't even indicate a start time for the reception!  It's pretty much just after the ceremony is over and you can get to the reception location.  So most guests don't even know when the reception is starting, let alone ending.

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  • monkeysip said:
    Most invitations don't even indicate a start time for the reception!  It's pretty much just after the ceremony is over and you can get to the reception location.  So most guests don't even know when the reception is starting, let alone ending.
    Good point.   We did this a few years ago as we walked around for a half hour waiting for the reception of DH's cousin to start.   
  • I am so happy to hear that most people appreciate knowing what type of reception to expect because this is one of those Etiquette rules I was planning on breaking.
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited June 2016
    This is really more of a tradition rule than an etiquette rule.  I don't think it is the end of the world to not do a traditional invitation as long as your wording covers the basics of who, what, when and where.  I only quote the traditions that most people are familiar with.  If you want to do something different, you should know that it is not traditional, and in some cases, can cross the line.  For instance, "Open Bar".
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  • my invites had a separate insert reception to follow name of location and address we also included the meal choices as well.

    your invite sets the tone for the type of wedding. if you are not doing a plated sit down dinner people will know by the invite that its something else. and by the time listed they also will know what to expect  
  • my invites had a separate insert reception to follow name of location and address we also included the meal choices as well.

    your invite sets the tone for the type of wedding. if you are not doing a plated sit down dinner people will know by the invite that its something else. and by the time listed they also will know what to expect  
    Unfortunately, this isn't necessarily true. The B and G need to know how to communicate this. We just received an invitation to a "beach wedding". From the looks of the invitation, I would expect an extremely casual event with perhaps a BBQ reception. Since I know the MOG and have talked wedding stuff with her, I know it is a sit down dinner. No meal choices were given. The reception is at the same venue as the wedding so no reception card was included. There are other things on the invite that were side-eye worthy, but B&G are on the knot so I don't want to go into specifics.
  • Unfortunately, this isn't necessarily true. The B and G need to know how to communicate this. We just received an invitation to a "beach wedding". From the looks of the invitation, I would expect an extremely casual event with perhaps a BBQ reception. Since I know the MOG and have talked wedding stuff with her, I know it is a sit down dinner. No meal choices were given. The reception is at the same venue as the wedding so no reception card was included. There are other things on the invite that were side-eye worthy, but B&G are on the knot so I don't want to go into specifics.

    Ditto.  We had a sit down dinner as well.  It was table side ordering so no choices were needed from my guests on their RSVP.  No one knew the dinner choices until they arrived at the venue.  We did put Dinner & Dancing on a separate insert in the invitation, since we had a Church ceremony, a second card was necessary to tell our guests the location of the reception.
  • Unfortunately, this isn't necessarily true. The B and G need to know how to communicate this. We just received an invitation to a "beach wedding". From the looks of the invitation, I would expect an extremely casual event with perhaps a BBQ reception. Since I know the MOG and have talked wedding stuff with her, I know it is a sit down dinner. No meal choices were given. The reception is at the same venue as the wedding so no reception card was included. There are other things on the invite that were side-eye worthy, but B&G are on the knot so I don't want to go into specifics.
    Yep, that's just not the case.

    Unless the invitation actually specifies or the reception insert specifies or there's a meal choice on your RSVP card, you as the guest really have no idea what type of meal is occurring.

    I've been to plenty of receptions that had a plated meal, but the meal choice was predetermined by the couple so there were no choices on the RSVP card, which lead me to belief it was going to be a buffet or food station reception. . . and it wasn't.

    Other PPs have stated that they have hosted or been to full meal receptions that occurred at a non meal time, so if guests would have been expecting a cake and punch reception due to the time, they would have been pleasantly surprised to have a full meal.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • I sometimes think people make up etiquette rules to meet their needs. Saying "dinner and dancing to follow" is boastful? LOLOL
  • Could this be something that could go on your wedding website if you have one? Would that still be etiquette approved?
    "Marriage is so disruptive to one's social circle." - Mr. Woodhouse
  • I sometimes think people make up etiquette rules to meet their needs. Saying "dinner and dancing to follow" is boastful? LOLOL
    No, I didn't make it up.  I'm not sure, but I think Miss Manners wrote it.
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  • I had "reception to follow" on the invites and our website has the menu and the timings for ceremony, drinks reception, dinner and dancing.
  • lyndausvi said:


    We had a beach wedding.  We had a plated meal.   Duo plate.  We knew all of the guests and already knew which guests had allergies and/or other dietary restrictions.   We still had some options available if someone inquired.

    My BIL and SIL both had table side ordering with 7 different dinner entrees. No need to do a choice at the time of RSVP.


    Bottom line is it's the GUESTS responsibility to RSVP to invitation.  For example, if your friend calls you and says "hey would you like to come to dinner on Friday", what do you do?  That's right, you respond.  Might be via phone, text, email, whatever, but you respond.   Weddings are no different.  

     If the hosts want to give guests "options"  i.e RSVP card with postage envelope, on-line, whatever, that is cool.  None of those options are rude.

     However, the guests are free to RSVP anyway they want.   As a host you need to be receptive to ANY form of RSVP you receive.  
    I didn't mean to imply that a beach wedding is automatically informal. The post I was responding to said the invitation should set the tone (which is true). I was simply giving an example of how that isn't always the case. Yes it is the guests responsibility to RSVP (I never said it wasn't). I just meant the very informal invite I received didn't convey the real "tone" of the wedding.
  • lyndausvi said:
    I find invites do not set the tone as much as people would like. Especially when people can just print their own.

    Venues do not always set the tone either.  Especially at a beach wedding.   A beach wedding can be on the actual beach, or it could be right next to the beach.

    For example, I worked at a 5 star luxury hotel in the islands for 12+ years.   We had over a 100 weddings a year.  Some of them were formal (i.e. tuxes), some of them were very causal (i.e people were in shorts) and of course everything in between. EXACT SAME LOCATION.

    While we had a cocktail hour with a 10 different apps AND a full raw bar + a plated dinner, my DH didn't wear a suit.  He wore a button down Tommy Bahama shirt, linen pants and flip flops (I can just see CMG rolling her eyes - lol).      So we were formal in the food presentation, but not in the overall vibe.   Because of that we had a FYI card that, among other things,  specifically said jackets are not necessary as a way of letting guests know it's not a dressy occasion.    

    Sorrynotsorry.     We were thanked over and over for letting them know because they were confused.  For the record, our guests are Catholic church, country club people.   Weddings = dressing to the nines.  We totally confused them with a beach/plated dinner reception.  Ha.
    Yep, I think your FYI card was the way to go. Your wedding sounds fabulous and exactly what you wanted (except the hurricane of course). I guess the old adage about invites setting the tone of the wedding should be revamped.
     

  • Other PPs have stated that they have hosted or been to full meal receptions that occurred at a non meal time, so if guests would have been expecting a cake and punch reception due to the time, they would have been pleasantly surprised to have a full meal.
    I have to caution that guests being "surprised" by a full meal, perhaps a sit-down, plated meal, due to the time is not necessarily a good thing or pleasant.

    If I am to be at a wedding that starts in the afternoon, for instance, it's likely possible that I will run later than I want because I'm scarfing down a lunch. I may even pay more to grab a meal on the way to the wedding. I would be frustrated by the unnecessary stress I had endured, and the embarrassment to myself and being a problem guest because I did not arrive in a timely manner and may have skipped some of my beauty regimen. I'm happy to have a quick lunch for the lovely bride and groom, but when I've completely altered my wedding preparation to make that a possibility and then come to a wedding with a full meal - it would have been nice to just know.

    Alternatively, I may have actually had time to have a nice large meal, expecting a cake and punch reception. Then I arrive at the event already full and I am unable to enjoy the meal like I could have, and I am likely enduring some social pressure by trying to treat the meal as it should be when I have just eaten a significant lunch to prepare for the long reception.

    The point is: not being notified of a full meal during "cake and punch" times can be quite unpleasant, as can the reverse phenomenon. Yes, I will work with a B&G who do not give information, of course, but the inconvenience does apply in both circumstances.


    I know I will be including information about the style of reception on our wedding website. We have not fully decided whether we will include a short note such as, "Reception with hors d'oeuvres and festivities to follow," at the bottom of the invitation or on the back of the card insert. However, we don't currently plan to do so. TBD!




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  • CaitFins said:
    I have to caution that guests being "surprised" by a full meal, perhaps a sit-down, plated meal, due to the time is not necessarily a good thing or pleasant.

    If I am to be at a wedding that starts in the afternoon, for instance, it's likely possible that I will run later than I want because I'm scarfing down a lunch. I may even pay more to grab a meal on the way to the wedding. I would be frustrated by the unnecessary stress I had endured, and the embarrassment to myself and being a problem guest because I did not arrive in a timely manner and may have skipped some of my beauty regimen. I'm happy to have a quick lunch for the lovely bride and groom, but when I've completely altered my wedding preparation to make that a possibility and then come to a wedding with a full meal - it would have been nice to just know.

    Alternatively, I may have actually had time to have a nice large meal, expecting a cake and punch reception. Then I arrive at the event already full and I am unable to enjoy the meal like I could have, and I am likely enduring some social pressure by trying to treat the meal as it should be when I have just eaten a significant lunch to prepare for the long reception.

    The point is: not being notified of a full meal during "cake and punch" times can be quite unpleasant, as can the reverse phenomenon. Yes, I will work with a B&G who do not give information, of course, but the inconvenience does apply in both circumstances.


    I know I will be including information about the style of reception on our wedding website. We have not fully decided whether we will include a short note such as, "Reception with hors d'oeuvres and festivities to follow," at the bottom of the invitation or on the back of the card insert. However, we don't currently plan to do so. TBD!
    I hate to tell you but that line isn't very informative at all.

    As a guest to your wedding I'm already expecting you to be serving hors d'oeuvres. . . during cocktail hour.  Are you actually serving me a meal or not?  From what you've said here I'd assume no and make sure I budget enough time for myself to put on my makeup properly and  have lunch prior to your wedding. Or dinner.

    If you are going to give more helpful information on the wedding website, why not just do it on the invitation or your reception insert as well?



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • banana468 said:
    @lyndausvi, your situation is exactly why I think the idea that "the time and location tell you about the reception" is BS.  

    Add that to the fact that I've been to receptions that have started anywhere between 11 AM and 6 PM and all had a full meal and I'd be one of the people thinking that a lunch / dinner is offered.

    Just tell me what you're doing.   I'll eat heavy or light before showing up so I know how to pace myself at your event.   
    I've never attended or worked a cake and punch wedding.  Ever.   And I've been to some 50+ weddings on my own and lord knows how many weddings I've worked.

    I pretty much expect a full meal at a wedding.  Regardless of start time.     Not saying I would be disappointed attending a cake and punch wedding. It's just not something that is done in my social circle.  I would love a heads up because it's just not on my radar that it might be only cake and punch.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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