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Venue in Chicago WITHOUT preferred catering list

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Re: Venue in Chicago WITHOUT preferred catering list

  • cgra40cgra40 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10 Comments
    The answer is simple, B. As an adult you have choices to make. If the location of your wedding is that important, then you only invite the people it can accommodate. If you have a large family and having them present is that important, you find a venue that can accommodate that number of people within your budget. 

    Again, weddings don't give you a blank check to treat people differently than you otherwise would.  Would you tier a dinner or party at your house?  Would you *charge guests for the beers they drank?  Would you invite more people than you have chairs?  No. So you shouldn't do that at your wedding either. 
    I would. I would have a tiered party or dinner. My friends would too. 

    Also my best friend got married in December. Her ceremony was small, her reception was open to anyone who wanted to make it. I've spoken to her a few times since then and no one at all seemed offended that she knows of. Passive aggressively, directly or otherwise. I truly doubt that anyone was as I also know almost everyone in her side at least. 

    In most wedding situations it's a formal structured event where inviting people to parts is rude. But not all. Also it's a bit morbid but funerals are similar. People attend wakes as they can and the services but most of the time it's considered close family and friends only for the actual cemetery part. 

    Maybe it's because I grew up in a poor part of the country where you know everyone but no one could afford to feed everyone. But tiered weddings are a thing I've heard of and seen without people being offended. Well, no more offended than they would be if they didn't get an invite at all and they were expecting one. Which happens with most weddings. 
  • cgra40cgra40 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10 Comments
     If someone doesn't want to make the ceremony but says they are interested in the reception I'm going to politely let them know it's a package deal and since we want to keep the guest list low they should come to both or not attend. 
    So it's also pretty rude to tell your guests this as well. Yes, they should come to the ceremony and the reception, the ceremony is the whole point and the reception is the thank you for attending the ceremony. However, once you invite them, telling them they can come to one part (or nothing at all) is telling other adults how to behave. Are you planning to tell people who can only make the ceremony (but not the reception) that they can't come because it's a package deal? What if someone has to leave early; are your int to tell them not to come because they're leaving before dessert and open bar that you made for?
    I'm not trying to dictate exactly how long they'll be there or what they should wear, but like with any mixed group of people I will be warning them that my family is super conservative and to keep it classy. You probably think that's rude too but I don't. I think it's necessary. 

    If someone has a real reason to not make the ceremony that's a different story, but most friends of FI simply hate wedding ceremonies because they're boring. Half of them are polite enough to come anyway. The other half I have no issue with telling that it's a package deal. FI agrees. But then again neither of us have the slightest bit of guilt about cutting people from the guest list. 

    Telling them they can come to both or not at all isn't telling adults how to behave. It's telling adults and what they're choices are. Thems the breaks so to speak. If they mention that they have something going on for one or the other that's different. That's them acknowledging that they should be at both if they're coming but for some reason can't. That would disappoint me but be fine. 

    When it comes down to it getting married may not make me a pretty pretty princess who gets to mandate all the minutea of everyone's behavior but it is still my wedding and it will still happen on my general terms. I get to pick what dress, what flowers will be there, and where it is and all that other good stuff. I also get to pick how the day goes and if people don't like it then they can not come. Doesn't bother me. I'm already not inviting a lot of people who will be pissed off for not getting invites. But I or FI don't want them there so they won't be. 
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    @cgra40
    How you grew up, what's common in your circle, what's the norm, is not necessarily etiquette-approved. 
    Tradition can vary by region. Etiquette is a collection of universal rules for treating people well. 

    There are a lot of people that are less offended- or not offended- by some technical breaches of etiquette. And that's ok- no one's perfect. There are things that are totally against etiquette that have been so prevalent in one's circle that they're immune to the rudeness. Like, where I am, gaps are terribly common. I hate them, but I still attend the entire wedding and I don't let it affect my relationships with people. Gaps are terribly against etiquette and plenty of people hate them but suck it up because "it's normal" and would never let on to a couple how much they hated killing time in the gap. 

    My point is, just because you think it's ok doesn't make something ok. B-listing and tiered receptions are not ok, but if you don't mind being that kind of guest, good on you. We'll always advise against it, but certainly can't control if a poster runs off and does that crap anyway. 

    Just try to treat people well. It's the right thing to do. Karma's a bitch- if you don't treat people well, odds are people aren't going to treat you well in return. What's so wrong about being a decent, caring person?
    ________________________________


    charlotte989875
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    cgra40 said:

    In most wedding situations it's a formal structured event where inviting people to parts is rude. But not all. Also it's a bit morbid but funerals are similar. People attend wakes as they can and the services but most of the time it's considered close family and friends only for the actual cemetery part. 
    This is how I felt reading this.  "You just compared your relationship to cancer."  You just compared your wedding to a funeral.

    image
    charlotte989875
  • cgra40 said:
     If someone doesn't want to make the ceremony but says they are interested in the reception I'm going to politely let them know it's a package deal and since we want to keep the guest list low they should come to both or not attend. 
    So it's also pretty rude to tell your guests this as well. Yes, they should come to the ceremony and the reception, the ceremony is the whole point and the reception is the thank you for attending the ceremony. However, once you invite them, telling them they can come to one part (or nothing at all) is telling other adults how to behave. Are you planning to tell people who can only make the ceremony (but not the reception) that they can't come because it's a package deal? What if someone has to leave early; are your int to tell them not to come because they're leaving before dessert and open bar that you made for?
    I'm not trying to dictate exactly how long they'll be there or what they should wear, but like with any mixed group of people I will be warning them that my family is super conservative and to keep it classy. You probably think that's rude too but I don't. I think it's necessary. 

    If someone has a real reason to not make the ceremony that's a different story, but most friends of FI simply hate wedding ceremonies because they're boring. Half of them are polite enough to come anyway. The other half I have no issue with telling that it's a package deal. FI agrees. But then again neither of us have the slightest bit of guilt about cutting people from the guest list. 

    Telling them they can come to both or not at all isn't telling adults how to behave. It's telling adults and what they're choices are. Thems the breaks so to speak. If they mention that they have something going on for one or the other that's different. That's them acknowledging that they should be at both if they're coming but for some reason can't. That would disappoint me but be fine. 

    When it comes down to it getting married may not make me a pretty pretty princess who gets to mandate all the minutea of everyone's behavior but it is still my wedding and it will still happen on my general terms. I get to pick what dress, what flowers will be there, and where it is and all that other good stuff. I also get to pick how the day goes and if people don't like it then they can not come. Doesn't bother me. I'm already not inviting a lot of people who will be pissed off for not getting invites. But I or FI don't want them there so they won't be. 
    All of this screams "I'm going to do whatever I want regardless of how my guests will feel about. It's my day, who cares what people think and if they are hurt or offended the don't have to come". 

    Great way to treat your friends and family. 
    kimmiinthemitten
  • bleve0821bleve0821 The Shire member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    cgra40 said:

    In most wedding situations it's a formal structured event where inviting people to parts is rude. But not all. Also it's a bit morbid but funerals are similar. People attend wakes as they can and the services but most of the time it's considered close family and friends only for the actual cemetery part. 
    This is how I felt reading this.  "You just compared your relationship to cancer."  You just compared your wedding to a funeral.

    No wonder those people don't like going to wedding ceremonies.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

    kimmiinthemittengeebee908levioosa
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    cgra40 said:
     If someone doesn't want to make the ceremony but says they are interested in the reception I'm going to politely let them know it's a package deal and since we want to keep the guest list low they should come to both or not attend. 
    So it's also pretty rude to tell your guests this as well. Yes, they should come to the ceremony and the reception, the ceremony is the whole point and the reception is the thank you for attending the ceremony. However, once you invite them, telling them they can come to one part (or nothing at all) is telling other adults how to behave. Are you planning to tell people who can only make the ceremony (but not the reception) that they can't come because it's a package deal? What if someone has to leave early; are your int to tell them not to come because they're leaving before dessert and open bar that you made for?
    I'm not trying to dictate exactly how long they'll be there or what they should wear, but like with any mixed group of people I will be warning them that my family is super conservative and to keep it classy. You probably think that's rude too but I don't. I think it's necessary. 

    If someone has a real reason to not make the ceremony that's a different story, but most friends of FI simply hate wedding ceremonies because they're boring. Half of them are polite enough to come anyway. The other half I have no issue with telling that it's a package deal. FI agrees. But then again neither of us have the slightest bit of guilt about cutting people from the guest list. 

    Telling them they can come to both or not at all isn't telling adults how to behave. It's telling adults and what they're choices are. Thems the breaks so to speak. If they mention that they have something going on for one or the other that's different. That's them acknowledging that they should be at both if they're coming but for some reason can't. That would disappoint me but be fine. 

    When it comes down to it getting married may not make me a pretty pretty princess who gets to mandate all the minutea of everyone's behavior but it is still my wedding and it will still happen on my general terms. I get to pick what dress, what flowers will be there, and where it is and all that other good stuff. I also get to pick how the day goes and if people don't like it then they can not come. Doesn't bother me. I'm already not inviting a lot of people who will be pissed off for not getting invites. But I or FI don't want them there so they won't be. 
    You sound like a shitty host.



    [Deleted User]levioosa
  • cgra40cgra40 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10 Comments
    @cgra40 
    How you grew up, what's common in your circle, what's the norm, is not necessarily etiquette-approved. 
    Tradition can vary by region. Etiquette is a collection of universal rules for treating people well. 

    There are a lot of people that are less offended- or not offended- by some technical breaches of etiquette. And that's ok- no one's perfect. There are things that are totally against etiquette that have been so prevalent in one's circle that they're immune to the rudeness. Like, where I am, gaps are terribly common. I hate them, but I still attend the entire wedding and I don't let it affect my relationships with people. Gaps are terribly against etiquette and plenty of people hate them but suck it up because "it's normal" and would never let on to a couple how much they hated killing time in the gap. 

    My point is, just because you think it's ok doesn't make something ok. B-listing and tiered receptions are not ok, but if you don't mind being that kind of guest, good on you. We'll always advise against it, but certainly can't control if a poster runs off and does that crap anyway. 

    Just try to treat people well. It's the right thing to do. Karma's a bitch- if you don't treat people well, odds are people aren't going to treat you well in return. What's so wrong about being a decent, caring person?
    This reply actually makes a lot of sense to me. Etiquette and customs are two very different things. I would hate a gap. I didn't even think about that being a thing and I have no intention of doing that to my guests. 

    I do try to treat people well. I think most people do, and I'm sure you regulars get a lot of people who post and are being unintentionally thoughtless so in a way I understand some of the frustration. I understand wanting to correct people too who may be doing something they don't realize is bothersome to their guests. 

    I'm just not convinced that every single poster here has done so coming from a place of helpfulness. 
  • cgra40cgra40 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10 Comments

    cgra40 said:

    In most wedding situations it's a formal structured event where inviting people to parts is rude. But not all. Also it's a bit morbid but funerals are similar. People attend wakes as they can and the services but most of the time it's considered close family and friends only for the actual cemetery part. 
    This is how I felt reading this.  "You just compared your relationship to cancer."  You just compared your wedding to a funeral.

    Sure did. Well not mine. Weddings in general. 

    Two major life events where gathering with loved ones is key and both have structured social norms and standards of behavior that sometimes people don't follow regardless. Babies are also a similar thing. 
  • cgra40cgra40 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10 Comments

    Viczaesar said:
    cgra40 said:
    You sound like a shitty host.
    Thank you for making my point so clearly about how some members are being rude and not helpful and hypocritical in doing so. 
  • cgra40cgra40 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10 Comments

    cgra40 said:
    All of this screams "I'm going to do whatever I want regardless of how my guests will feel about. It's my day, who cares what people think and if they are hurt or offended the don't have to come". 

    Great way to treat your friends and family. 
    I'm not sure why you think that. 

    If you are planning a wedding or have done so, would you allow your mother's preference in colors dictate the color scheme? Would you allow your hubbys friend from high school choose the location? Would you allow your cousins preference for flowers be the mandate for which flowers you get? Does your mother in law get last say on your dress? Your six your old niece, does she have authority over your hairstyle? 

    No. 

    I will be making those decisions with my partner. I will take input from whoever wishes to offer it, but he and I make the final choices. We are paying for it. And honestly I'm not feeding someone and giving them free booze to come and treat my wedding like its a convenient party. If they can't be bothered with the ceremony then obviously we aren't important enough for them to really warrant their invitation in the first place. Which is their call. If it's a matter of having work or some other responsibility then I understand that but if they can't sit through a short ceremony for our sake then why would we want them there? It's that simple. You all keep going on and on about putting guests first and while it is important to check things with your VIPs and try to be accommodating it's stupid to pretend that the couple getting married don't or shouldn't have the final say. 

    Or is it because I'm already not inviting certain people? Or how callous I am about cutting people from the guest lists? If you knew my history with my family I doubt you'd think I was being unreasonable. I'm not inviting people who were abusive to me or anyone I love or cruel to me or anyone I love in the past. And I will uninvite anyone who tries to bring those people. That's not a bridezilla. That's a precaution against a full PTSD blown panic attack on what should be a day where I celebrate my marriage with my loved ones. I'd rather not be reliving past traumas while at the alter, thanks. 

    Or maybe it's because I feel I need to warn people to play a certain way? Well if I can be preemptive about having my father screaming bible verses at atheists or homophobic slurs at gay people or stepdad blowing an aneurism over someone being a Hillary supporter you better believe I'm going to try to. 


  • cgra40 said:

    cgra40 said:
    All of this screams "I'm going to do whatever I want regardless of how my guests will feel about. It's my day, who cares what people think and if they are hurt or offended the don't have to come". 

    Great way to treat your friends and family. 
    I'm not sure why you think that. 

    If you are planning a wedding or have done so, would you allow your mother's preference in colors dictate the color scheme? Would you allow your hubbys friend from high school choose the location? Would you allow your cousins preference for flowers be the mandate for which flowers you get? Does your mother in law get last say on your dress? Your six your old niece, does she have authority over your hairstyle? 

    No. 

    I will be making those decisions with my partner. I will take input from whoever wishes to offer it, but he and I make the final choices. We are paying for it. And honestly I'm not feeding someone and giving them free booze to come and treat my wedding like its a convenient party. If they can't be bothered with the ceremony then obviously we aren't important enough for them to really warrant their invitation in the first place. Which is their call. If it's a matter of having work or some other responsibility then I understand that but if they can't sit through a short ceremony for our sake then why would we want them there? It's that simple. You all keep going on and on about putting guests first and while it is important to check things with your VIPs and try to be accommodating it's stupid to pretend that the couple getting married don't or shouldn't have the final say. 

    Or is it because I'm already not inviting certain people? Or how callous I am about cutting people from the guest lists? If you knew my history with my family I doubt you'd think I was being unreasonable. I'm not inviting people who were abusive to me or anyone I love or cruel to me or anyone I love in the past. And I will uninvite anyone who tries to bring those people. That's not a bridezilla. That's a precaution against a full PTSD blown panic attack on what should be a day where I celebrate my marriage with my loved ones. I'd rather not be reliving past traumas while at the alter, thanks. 

    Or maybe it's because I feel I need to warn people to play a certain way? Well if I can be preemptive about having my father screaming bible verses at atheists or homophobic slurs at gay people or stepdad blowing an aneurism over someone being a Hillary supporter you better believe I'm going to try to. 


    Ugh, enough with the dramatics. Of course you should invite, or not invite, whomever you. Of course you should make decisions about your own attire, location, and flowers, please stop with the hyperbole. 

    Invite whoever you want, it's not rude to cut people from the guest list. It is rude to invite them, ask/imply if they are only planning on coming to one part and then uninviting them if you don't like their answer. 
    geebee908justsie
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'm super liberal and vocal about it. You could invite me and piss all those people off!  Two birds, one stone. 

    Everyone here will support eliminating guests who are abusive 175% of the time. We just recommend that you treat the people you do invite the same. Treat the event as one, give them a chair, a meal and an invite for their SO if they happen to have one. 
    image
    charlotte989875
  • cgra40cgra40 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10 Comments
    Apparently what you call rude I call direct and honest. And what I call rude you call helpful so I'm just going to leave it at that. 
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    cgra40 said:

    Viczaesar said:
    cgra40 said:
    You sound like a shitty host.
    Thank you for making my point so clearly about how some members are being rude and not helpful and hypocritical in doing so. 
    The way you want to treat your guests is shitty.  Believe it or not, that's actually helpful information for people who don't want to be shitty hosts.



    kimmiinthemittenlevioosa
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