Starting to think my wedding cursed

Knottie1467209316 · July 2016

So this is my first post, but I have lurked for a while. Not sure if I am venting or looking for advice or what, but appreciate the platform.

This is our second go around. Both of us are divorced and he had kids and a psycho ex wife where I have no children and am somewhere between divorcee and widow. (Ex died during divorce proceedings) He never had a large wedding, but I did and he seems to think he would be shortchanging me if we didn't have a big wedding. So, to make him happy, I agreed. And that is when hell was set loose.

First off, his brother's girlfriend appointed herself wedding planner. As this is not my first rodeo and I did everything for my first wedding, I thought this was ridiculous, but went along to keep the piece. (This is not my wedding, this is HIS) Next, I asked my four best friends whom I have known since 6th grade to stand with me. Pick a color, wear what they wanted, do nothing (I didn't want a bridal shower) and stand there with me. Easy right?

In May, all of my bridesmaids bailed after one of them decided she could not stand because she believes I don't accept his kids, ages 9, 11 and 12. The kids had pulled some really mean stunts on Mother's Day and I was venting my frustration with my friends. But, according to the lead bailing BM, I am not a "real" mom, don't accept his children like she accepts her fiancé's children (all of her fiancé's kids are out of high school and don't live with him, so she is not exactly in the same situation as me. My fiancé has his kids 24/7 as their bio mom abandoned them and shows up once in a while) Regardless, I tried to mend it with her but she was firm and then the other 3, one of whom was not even present when the argument took place, followed her lead and bailed. One of them went as far as to suggest I have his kids in the wedding even though the children have been involved and part of the bridal party since Day 1. And she knew this as I had sent them all pictures 2 days prior!

So fiancé and I stepped back to rethink everything. In the process of rethinking, we fired the wedding planner. Or should I say I fired the wedding planner because 1) she planned absolutely nothing, 2) had only met at one venue and then proceeded to state she was the wedding planner (unbeknownst to me) and then fought with the management of the venue and 3) she never quoted a price.

Two weeks ago, this action blew up in my face as her boyfriend, my fiancé's brother, demanded I apologize for firing his girlfriend. "Your woman disrespected my woman!" Excuse me?? Am I a camel?? Do I have "Property of Fiance" tattooed on my butt?? This then degenerated into a war between fiancé and his brother because brother and girlfriend refused to talk to me and wanted him to "put (her) in (her) place". Yeah, they don't know him and they don't know me! This de-evolved further to threats of them calling Child Protective Services on me for fabricated reasons and destroying the wedding ceremony and a host of varying threats in between. This girl has a business, supposedly, so not sure how far the last threat will go.

I guess I am at a loss. I have lost friends who meant something to me over this and my fiancé has lost a brother, although he claims it is no big loss. I know this man I am marrying is amazing beyond words because any other man would have fled by now. He has seen me at my worst and seen me at my best and he is still here.

One thing I HAVE learned. It's not always the bride who is the -zilla.

climbingsingle · July 2016

I'm not sure how someone can just appoint themselves your wedding planner. If you didn't want her to be your wedding planner, you should have said so from the start. And if you hadn't agreed to it, why was she at a venue meeting?? And how could she "destroy" your wedding ceremony?

Am I correct in understanding that your 4 best friends all dropped you as a friend because of what you said about your FI's children? What did you say about them?? How long have you been friends with these women?

bleve0821 · July 2016

Knottie1467209316 said:

So this is my first post, but I have lurked for a while. Not sure if I am venting or looking for advice or what, but appreciate the platform.
This is our second go around. Both of us are divorced and he had kids and a psycho ex wife where I have no children and am somewhere between divorcee and widow. (Ex died during divorce proceedings) He never had a large wedding, but I did and he seems to think he would be shortchanging me if we didn't have a big wedding. So, to make him happy, I agreed. And that is when hell was set loose.
First off, his brother's girlfriend appointed herself wedding planner. As this is not my first rodeo and I did everything for my first wedding, I thought this was ridiculous, but went along to keep the piece. (This is not my wedding, this is HIS) Next, I asked my four best friends whom I have known since 6th grade to stand with me. Pick a color, wear what they wanted, do nothing (I didn't want a bridal shower) and stand there with me. Easy right?
In May, all of my bridesmaids bailed after one of them decided she could not stand because she believes I don't accept his kids, ages 9, 11 and 12. The kids had pulled some really mean stunts on Mother's Day and I was venting my frustration with my friends. But, according to the lead bailing BM, I am not a "real" mom, don't accept his children like she accepts her fiancé's children (all of her fiancé's kids are out of high school and don't live with him, so she is not exactly in the same situation as me. My fiancé has his kids 24/7 as their bio mom abandoned them and shows up once in a while) Regardless, I tried to mend it with her but she was firm and then the other 3, one of whom was not even present when the argument took place, followed her lead and bailed. One of them went as far as to suggest I have his kids in the wedding even though the children have been involved and part of the bridal party since Day 1. And she knew this as I had sent them all pictures 2 days prior!
So fiancé and I stepped back to rethink everything. In the process of rethinking, we fired the wedding planner. Or should I say I fired the wedding planner because 1) she planned absolutely nothing, 2) had only met at one venue and then proceeded to state she was the wedding planner (unbeknownst to me) and then fought with the management of the venue and 3) she never quoted a price.
Two weeks ago, this action blew up in my face as her boyfriend, my fiancé's brother, demanded I apologize for firing his girlfriend. "Your woman disrespected my woman!" Excuse me?? Am I a camel?? Do I have "Property of Fiance" tattooed on my butt?? This then degenerated into a war between fiancé and his brother because brother and girlfriend refused to talk to me and wanted him to "put (her) in (her) place". Yeah, they don't know him and they don't know me! This de-evolved further to threats of them calling Child Protective Services on me for fabricated reasons and destroying the wedding ceremony and a host of varying threats in between. This girl has a business, supposedly, so not sure how far the last threat will go.
I guess I am at a loss. I have lost friends who meant something to me over this and my fiancé has lost a brother, although he claims it is no big loss. I know this man I am marrying is amazing beyond words because any other man would have fled by now. He has seen me at my worst and seen me at my best and he is still here.
One thing I HAVE learned. It's not always the bride who is the -zilla.

To the first bolded: I don't understand this thought process at all. How is he "short changing" you? Do you want a big wedding at all? Some compromise needed to be reached here before planning even started.

To the second bolded. It IS your wedding. This is a red flag for me. If this isn't something you want, you should have spoken up very early on.

I am so confused by everything in this post. I don't know what you said about FI's kids, but I know none of my closest friends would bail on me if all I did was confide in them about bruised feelings. If all of your friends bailed for the same reason, maybe there's some truth there that you don't see.

Did you actually hire a wedding planner or did FBIL's GF appoint herself the role? If you never actually hired someone, which means agreeing to price, services, and signing a contract, there was no one to fire, so I can see that being a cause for flared tempers.

I'm just so confused by all of this. It sounds like a lack of communication and bad planning has contributed to a lot of this.

charlotte989875 · July 2016

Knottie1467209316 said:

So this is my first post, but I have lurked for a while. Not sure if I am venting or looking for advice or what, but appreciate the platform.
This is our second go around. Both of us are divorced and he had kids and a psycho ex wife where I have no children and am somewhere between divorcee and widow. (Ex died during divorce proceedings) He never had a large wedding, but I did and he seems to think he would be shortchanging me if we didn't have a big wedding. So, to make him happy, I agreed. And that is when hell was set loose.
First off, his brother's girlfriend appointed herself wedding planner. As this is not my first rodeo and I did everything for my first wedding, I thought this was ridiculous, but went along to keep the piece. (This is not my wedding, this is HIS) Next, I asked my four best friends whom I have known since 6th grade to stand with me. Pick a color, wear what they wanted, do nothing (I didn't want a bridal shower) and stand there with me. Easy right?
In May, all of my bridesmaids bailed after one of them decided she could not stand because she believes I don't accept his kids, ages 9, 11 and 12. The kids had pulled some really mean stunts on Mother's Day and I was venting my frustration with my friends. But, according to the lead bailing BM, I am not a "real" mom, don't accept his children like she accepts her fiancé's children (all of her fiancé's kids are out of high school and don't live with him, so she is not exactly in the same situation as me. My fiancé has his kids 24/7 as their bio mom abandoned them and shows up once in a while) Regardless, I tried to mend it with her but she was firm and then the other 3, one of whom was not even present when the argument took place, followed her lead and bailed. One of them went as far as to suggest I have his kids in the wedding even though the children have been involved and part of the bridal party since Day 1. And she knew this as I had sent them all pictures 2 days prior!
So fiancé and I stepped back to rethink everything. In the process of rethinking, we fired the wedding planner. Or should I say I fired the wedding planner because 1) she planned absolutely nothing, 2) had only met at one venue and then proceeded to state she was the wedding planner (unbeknownst to me) and then fought with the management of the venue and 3) she never quoted a price.
Two weeks ago, this action blew up in my face as her boyfriend, my fiancé's brother, demanded I apologize for firing his girlfriend. "Your woman disrespected my woman!" Excuse me?? Am I a camel?? Do I have "Property of Fiance" tattooed on my butt?? This then degenerated into a war between fiancé and his brother because brother and girlfriend refused to talk to me and wanted him to "put (her) in (her) place". Yeah, they don't know him and they don't know me! This de-evolved further to threats of them calling Child Protective Services on me for fabricated reasons and destroying the wedding ceremony and a host of varying threats in between. This girl has a business, supposedly, so not sure how far the last threat will go.
I guess I am at a loss. I have lost friends who meant something to me over this and my fiancé has lost a brother, although he claims it is no big loss. I know this man I am marrying is amazing beyond words because any other man would have fled by now. He has seen me at my worst and seen me at my best and he is still here.
One thing I HAVE learned. It's not always the bride who is the -zilla.

I'm a little confused, what in the world happened to make four women who you've been friends with since childhood to react this way?

A few other things;
1) No one can force themselves into your wedding planning without your consent. If you didn't want her involved you should have just said no.
2) This is your wedding too, not just your FI's, he's not marrying himself here, he's marrying you. If things are happening that you don't like, you need to speak up.
3) Did they actually call protective services? If so, you clearly have other things to focus on besides planning a wedding.

I think you need to take a step back and focus on what you and your FI want for your future and for your wedding. Loosing this many close friends and family over a party is a big deal.

bohobrideCA · July 2016

This is not a curse. Why didn't you want to apologize to your FI's brother's girlfriend? All you had to say is "sorry, I want to take control of the wedding myself. I should have told you that from the beginning, my bad!"

People do not lose four lifelong friends at once because of "venting" about their FI's kids and then have two additional family members call CPS... This does not happen. Take a serious look at yourself.

Knottie1467209316 · July 2016

charlotte989875 said:

Knottie1467209316 said:

So this is my first post, but I have lurked for a while. Not sure if I am venting or looking for advice or what, but appreciate the platform.
This is our second go around. Both of us are divorced and he had kids and a psycho ex wife where I have no children and am somewhere between divorcee and widow. (Ex died during divorce proceedings) He never had a large wedding, but I did and he seems to think he would be shortchanging me if we didn't have a big wedding. So, to make him happy, I agreed. And that is when hell was set loose.
First off, his brother's girlfriend appointed herself wedding planner. As this is not my first rodeo and I did everything for my first wedding, I thought this was ridiculous, but went along to keep the piece. (This is not my wedding, this is HIS) Next, I asked my four best friends whom I have known since 6th grade to stand with me. Pick a color, wear what they wanted, do nothing (I didn't want a bridal shower) and stand there with me. Easy right?
In May, all of my bridesmaids bailed after one of them decided she could not stand because she believes I don't accept his kids, ages 9, 11 and 12. The kids had pulled some really mean stunts on Mother's Day and I was venting my frustration with my friends. But, according to the lead bailing BM, I am not a "real" mom, don't accept his children like she accepts her fiancé's children (all of her fiancé's kids are out of high school and don't live with him, so she is not exactly in the same situation as me. My fiancé has his kids 24/7 as their bio mom abandoned them and shows up once in a while) Regardless, I tried to mend it with her but she was firm and then the other 3, one of whom was not even present when the argument took place, followed her lead and bailed. One of them went as far as to suggest I have his kids in the wedding even though the children have been involved and part of the bridal party since Day 1. And she knew this as I had sent them all pictures 2 days prior!
So fiancé and I stepped back to rethink everything. In the process of rethinking, we fired the wedding planner. Or should I say I fired the wedding planner because 1) she planned absolutely nothing, 2) had only met at one venue and then proceeded to state she was the wedding planner (unbeknownst to me) and then fought with the management of the venue and 3) she never quoted a price.
Two weeks ago, this action blew up in my face as her boyfriend, my fiancé's brother, demanded I apologize for firing his girlfriend. "Your woman disrespected my woman!" Excuse me?? Am I a camel?? Do I have "Property of Fiance" tattooed on my butt?? This then degenerated into a war between fiancé and his brother because brother and girlfriend refused to talk to me and wanted him to "put (her) in (her) place". Yeah, they don't know him and they don't know me! This de-evolved further to threats of them calling Child Protective Services on me for fabricated reasons and destroying the wedding ceremony and a host of varying threats in between. This girl has a business, supposedly, so not sure how far the last threat will go.
I guess I am at a loss. I have lost friends who meant something to me over this and my fiancé has lost a brother, although he claims it is no big loss. I know this man I am marrying is amazing beyond words because any other man would have fled by now. He has seen me at my worst and seen me at my best and he is still here.
One thing I HAVE learned. It's not always the bride who is the -zilla.

I'm a little confused, what in the world happened to make four women who you've been friends with since childhood to react this way?

A few other things;
1) No one can force themselves into your wedding planning without your consent. If you didn't want her involved you should have just said no.
2) This is your wedding too, not just your FI's, he's not marrying himself here, he's marrying you. If things are happening that you don't like, you need to speak up.
3) Did they actually call protective services? If so, you clearly have other things to focus on besides planning a wedding.

I think you need to take a step back and focus on what you and your FI want for your future and for your wedding. Loosing this many close friends and family over a party is a big deal.

1 - I did. No one listened to me so I ended up doing everything myself after trying to make nice and include her.

2 - No, it actually isn't. I said "Courthouse and a crawfish boil" and he thought I was joking. It wasn't until he paid for the entire affair that he FINALLY realized I was serious.

3 - No, they didn't. It was an empty threat.

I can see your point, but it seems to me that we have done nothing to deserve this angst where they have made it all about them and their butthurt feelings.

Knottie1467209316 · July 2016

bohobrideCA said:

This is not a curse. Why didn't you want to apologize to your FI's brother's girlfriend? All you had to say is "sorry, I want to take control of the wedding myself. I should have told you that from the beginning, my bad!"

People do not lose four lifelong friends at once because of "venting" about their FI's kids and then have two additional family members call CPS... This does not happen. Take a serious look at yourself.

I see no reason to apologize to someone who acted very unprofessionally at a wedding venue, didn't bother to show up for another appointment, put me off for months so I was forced to do everything myself even though I gave her ample opportunity and who then sics her boyfriend on me to "put me in line". I have nothing to apologize for.

You're joking about the taking a serious look at myself right? Do you think my fiancé would marry me if I was a danger to his kids?? And it was not two additional family members. It was HIS BROTHER who actually believes the kids are HIS. His and his girlfriends even though they have only been together 4 years and he was deployed overseas 3 of those years.

I can understand your comment about the lifelong friends, but I have texts that prove what I am saying is true.

*Barbie* · July 2016

Does Jerry Springer still have a TV show? If so, that might be a great platform for this.

Presumably all of the people in this story are adults, but acting like middle schoolers. I think that you and your FI need to 1) get on the same page, 2) get away from the drama - whether this is not publicly sharing your battles with the future stepkids or avoiding your FBIL/his girlfriend.

bleve0821 · July 2016

Knottie1467209316 said:

charlotte989875 said:

Knottie1467209316 said:

So this is my first post, but I have lurked for a while. Not sure if I am venting or looking for advice or what, but appreciate the platform.
This is our second go around. Both of us are divorced and he had kids and a psycho ex wife where I have no children and am somewhere between divorcee and widow. (Ex died during divorce proceedings) He never had a large wedding, but I did and he seems to think he would be shortchanging me if we didn't have a big wedding. So, to make him happy, I agreed. And that is when hell was set loose.
First off, his brother's girlfriend appointed herself wedding planner. As this is not my first rodeo and I did everything for my first wedding, I thought this was ridiculous, but went along to keep the piece. (This is not my wedding, this is HIS) Next, I asked my four best friends whom I have known since 6th grade to stand with me. Pick a color, wear what they wanted, do nothing (I didn't want a bridal shower) and stand there with me. Easy right?
In May, all of my bridesmaids bailed after one of them decided she could not stand because she believes I don't accept his kids, ages 9, 11 and 12. The kids had pulled some really mean stunts on Mother's Day and I was venting my frustration with my friends. But, according to the lead bailing BM, I am not a "real" mom, don't accept his children like she accepts her fiancé's children (all of her fiancé's kids are out of high school and don't live with him, so she is not exactly in the same situation as me. My fiancé has his kids 24/7 as their bio mom abandoned them and shows up once in a while) Regardless, I tried to mend it with her but she was firm and then the other 3, one of whom was not even present when the argument took place, followed her lead and bailed. One of them went as far as to suggest I have his kids in the wedding even though the children have been involved and part of the bridal party since Day 1. And she knew this as I had sent them all pictures 2 days prior!
So fiancé and I stepped back to rethink everything. In the process of rethinking, we fired the wedding planner. Or should I say I fired the wedding planner because 1) she planned absolutely nothing, 2) had only met at one venue and then proceeded to state she was the wedding planner (unbeknownst to me) and then fought with the management of the venue and 3) she never quoted a price.
Two weeks ago, this action blew up in my face as her boyfriend, my fiancé's brother, demanded I apologize for firing his girlfriend. "Your woman disrespected my woman!" Excuse me?? Am I a camel?? Do I have "Property of Fiance" tattooed on my butt?? This then degenerated into a war between fiancé and his brother because brother and girlfriend refused to talk to me and wanted him to "put (her) in (her) place". Yeah, they don't know him and they don't know me! This de-evolved further to threats of them calling Child Protective Services on me for fabricated reasons and destroying the wedding ceremony and a host of varying threats in between. This girl has a business, supposedly, so not sure how far the last threat will go.
I guess I am at a loss. I have lost friends who meant something to me over this and my fiancé has lost a brother, although he claims it is no big loss. I know this man I am marrying is amazing beyond words because any other man would have fled by now. He has seen me at my worst and seen me at my best and he is still here.
One thing I HAVE learned. It's not always the bride who is the -zilla.

I'm a little confused, what in the world happened to make four women who you've been friends with since childhood to react this way?

A few other things;
1) No one can force themselves into your wedding planning without your consent. If you didn't want her involved you should have just said no.
2) This is your wedding too, not just your FI's, he's not marrying himself here, he's marrying you. If things are happening that you don't like, you need to speak up.
3) Did they actually call protective services? If so, you clearly have other things to focus on besides planning a wedding.

I think you need to take a step back and focus on what you and your FI want for your future and for your wedding. Loosing this many close friends and family over a party is a big deal.

1 - I did. No one listened to me so I ended up doing everything myself after trying to make nice and include her.
2 - No, it actually isn't. I said "Courthouse and a crawfish boil" and he thought I was joking. It wasn't until he paid for the entire affair that he FINALLY realized I was serious.
3 - No, they didn't. It was an empty threat.
I can see your point, but it seems to me that we have done nothing to deserve this angst where they have made it all about them and their butthurt feelings.

Then that's on you for not making it abundantly clear you were serious. Things like this aren't one and done. They require a conversation and planning and if both parties aren't on board with every aspect, feelings tend to get hurt and tempers tend to flair. If you were serious about a courthouse and a crawfish boil, that was your responsibility to make clear. The fact that he didn't believe you meant you either didn't communicate your wants or he doesn't take you seriously.

The fact that it's still both of yours wedding hasn't changed. Just your perception of it. Is this really how you want to enter a second marriage, holding the belief that it's his wedding, not yours?

Something sounds off here...

Knottie1467209316 · July 2016

AtomicBlonde said:

Knottie1467209316 said:

So this is my first post, but I have lurked for a while. Not sure if I am venting or looking for advice or what, but appreciate the platform.
This is our second go around. Both of us are divorced and he had kids and a psycho ex wife where I have no children and am somewhere between divorcee and widow. (Ex died during divorce proceedings) He never had a large wedding, but I did and he seems to think he would be shortchanging me if we didn't have a big wedding. So, to make him happy, I agreed. And that is when hell was set loose.
First off, his brother's girlfriend appointed herself wedding planner. As this is not my first rodeo and I did everything for my first wedding, I thought this was ridiculous, but went along to keep the piece. (This is not my wedding, this is HIS) Next, I asked my four best friends whom I have known since 6th grade to stand with me. Pick a color, wear what they wanted, do nothing (I didn't want a bridal shower) and stand there with me. Easy right?
In May, all of my bridesmaids bailed after one of them decided she could not stand because she believes I don't accept his kids, ages 9, 11 and 12. The kids had pulled some really mean stunts on Mother's Day and I was venting my frustration with my friends. But, according to the lead bailing BM, I am not a "real" mom, don't accept his children like she accepts her fiancé's children (all of her fiancé's kids are out of high school and don't live with him, so she is not exactly in the same situation as me. My fiancé has his kids 24/7 as their bio mom abandoned them and shows up once in a while) Regardless, I tried to mend it with her but she was firm and then the other 3, one of whom was not even present when the argument took place, followed her lead and bailed. One of them went as far as to suggest I have his kids in the wedding even though the children have been involved and part of the bridal party since Day 1. And she knew this as I had sent them all pictures 2 days prior!
So fiancé and I stepped back to rethink everything. In the process of rethinking, we fired the wedding planner. Or should I say I fired the wedding planner because 1) she planned absolutely nothing, 2) had only met at one venue and then proceeded to state she was the wedding planner (unbeknownst to me) and then fought with the management of the venue and 3) she never quoted a price.
Two weeks ago, this action blew up in my face as her boyfriend, my fiancé's brother, demanded I apologize for firing his girlfriend. "Your woman disrespected my woman!" Excuse me?? Am I a camel?? Do I have "Property of Fiance" tattooed on my butt?? This then degenerated into a war between fiancé and his brother because brother and girlfriend refused to talk to me and wanted him to "put (her) in (her) place". Yeah, they don't know him and they don't know me! This de-evolved further to threats of them calling Child Protective Services on me for fabricated reasons and destroying the wedding ceremony and a host of varying threats in between. This girl has a business, supposedly, so not sure how far the last threat will go.
I guess I am at a loss. I have lost friends who meant something to me over this and my fiancé has lost a brother, although he claims it is no big loss. I know this man I am marrying is amazing beyond words because any other man would have fled by now. He has seen me at my worst and seen me at my best and he is still here.
One thing I HAVE learned. It's not always the bride who is the -zilla.

To the first bolded: I don't understand this thought process at all. How is he "short changing" you? Do you want a big wedding at all? Some compromise needed to be reached here before planning even started.

To the second bolded. It IS your wedding. This is a red flag for me. If this isn't something you want, you should have spoken up very early on.

I am so confused by everything in this post. I don't know what you said about FI's kids, but I know none of my closest friends would bail on me if all I did was confide in them about bruised feelings. If all of your friends bailed for the same reason, maybe there's some truth there that you don't see.

Did you actually hire a wedding planner or did FBIL's GF appoint herself the role? If you never actually hired someone, which means agreeing to price, services, and signing a contract, there was no one to fire, so I can see that being a cause for flared tempers.

I'm just so confused by all of this. It sounds like a lack of communication and bad planning has contributed to a lot of this.

1 - HE feels he is shortchanging me if he did a simple courthouse wedding. I kept telling him I was fine with it. But I think it honestly reminded him too much or how pathetic his first wedding and marriage was and he somehow relates the kind of wedding to the marriage. Silly, I know, but whatever.

2 - I did speak up very early. From the moment h proposed. He thought I was joking until we actually had a large argument about how I didn't all this nonsense. His reply was "Are you serious? I thought you were joking all this time"

3 - You obviously have better friends than me.

4 - I never hired the wedding planner. She appointed herself and my fiancé and I decided to give it a try. Despite repeated attempts to get her involved, she wasn't into it and kept putting us off. So I finally fired her which apparently hurt her feelings.

Knottie1467209316 · July 2016

climbingwife said:

I'm not sure how someone can just appoint themselves your wedding planner. If you didn't want her to be your wedding planner, you should have said so from the start. And if you hadn't agreed to it, why was she at a venue meeting?? And how could she "destroy" your wedding ceremony?

Am I correct in understanding that your 4 best friends all dropped you as a friend because of what you said about your FI's children? What did you say about them?? How long have you been friends with these women?

See previous replies on wedding planner issue

Since 6th grade on the friends. One of them is very outspoken about how I am not a "real" mom. She gets offended that I do things a "real" mom should do. She has told me as much because she has biological children and I do not, so I am permitted to cook, clean, help with homework and attend school functions but not "parent" in a normal sense. I am not allowed to correct the children, and I am not allowed to issue a punishment such as a grounding. I basically have to let them walk all over me until my fiancé is home and can deal with them because disciplining children is a "real" parent's job. My fiancé and I do not agree with this.

As for what I said that set her off? "Cite me a law that says I have to do it that way" (She is a lawyer)

Knottie1467209316 · July 2016

AtomicBlonde said:

Knottie1467209316 said:

charlotte989875 said:

Knottie1467209316 said:

So this is my first post, but I have lurked for a while. Not sure if I am venting or looking for advice or what, but appreciate the platform.
This is our second go around. Both of us are divorced and he had kids and a psycho ex wife where I have no children and am somewhere between divorcee and widow. (Ex died during divorce proceedings) He never had a large wedding, but I did and he seems to think he would be shortchanging me if we didn't have a big wedding. So, to make him happy, I agreed. And that is when hell was set loose.
First off, his brother's girlfriend appointed herself wedding planner. As this is not my first rodeo and I did everything for my first wedding, I thought this was ridiculous, but went along to keep the piece. (This is not my wedding, this is HIS) Next, I asked my four best friends whom I have known since 6th grade to stand with me. Pick a color, wear what they wanted, do nothing (I didn't want a bridal shower) and stand there with me. Easy right?
In May, all of my bridesmaids bailed after one of them decided she could not stand because she believes I don't accept his kids, ages 9, 11 and 12. The kids had pulled some really mean stunts on Mother's Day and I was venting my frustration with my friends. But, according to the lead bailing BM, I am not a "real" mom, don't accept his children like she accepts her fiancé's children (all of her fiancé's kids are out of high school and don't live with him, so she is not exactly in the same situation as me. My fiancé has his kids 24/7 as their bio mom abandoned them and shows up once in a while) Regardless, I tried to mend it with her but she was firm and then the other 3, one of whom was not even present when the argument took place, followed her lead and bailed. One of them went as far as to suggest I have his kids in the wedding even though the children have been involved and part of the bridal party since Day 1. And she knew this as I had sent them all pictures 2 days prior!
So fiancé and I stepped back to rethink everything. In the process of rethinking, we fired the wedding planner. Or should I say I fired the wedding planner because 1) she planned absolutely nothing, 2) had only met at one venue and then proceeded to state she was the wedding planner (unbeknownst to me) and then fought with the management of the venue and 3) she never quoted a price.
Two weeks ago, this action blew up in my face as her boyfriend, my fiancé's brother, demanded I apologize for firing his girlfriend. "Your woman disrespected my woman!" Excuse me?? Am I a camel?? Do I have "Property of Fiance" tattooed on my butt?? This then degenerated into a war between fiancé and his brother because brother and girlfriend refused to talk to me and wanted him to "put (her) in (her) place". Yeah, they don't know him and they don't know me! This de-evolved further to threats of them calling Child Protective Services on me for fabricated reasons and destroying the wedding ceremony and a host of varying threats in between. This girl has a business, supposedly, so not sure how far the last threat will go.
I guess I am at a loss. I have lost friends who meant something to me over this and my fiancé has lost a brother, although he claims it is no big loss. I know this man I am marrying is amazing beyond words because any other man would have fled by now. He has seen me at my worst and seen me at my best and he is still here.
One thing I HAVE learned. It's not always the bride who is the -zilla.

I'm a little confused, what in the world happened to make four women who you've been friends with since childhood to react this way?

A few other things;
1) No one can force themselves into your wedding planning without your consent. If you didn't want her involved you should have just said no.
2) This is your wedding too, not just your FI's, he's not marrying himself here, he's marrying you. If things are happening that you don't like, you need to speak up.
3) Did they actually call protective services? If so, you clearly have other things to focus on besides planning a wedding.

I think you need to take a step back and focus on what you and your FI want for your future and for your wedding. Loosing this many close friends and family over a party is a big deal.

1 - I did. No one listened to me so I ended up doing everything myself after trying to make nice and include her.
2 - No, it actually isn't. I said "Courthouse and a crawfish boil" and he thought I was joking. It wasn't until he paid for the entire affair that he FINALLY realized I was serious.
3 - No, they didn't. It was an empty threat.
I can see your point, but it seems to me that we have done nothing to deserve this angst where they have made it all about them and their butthurt feelings.

Then that's on you for not making it abundantly clear you were serious. Things like this aren't one and done. They require a conversation and planning and if both parties aren't on board with every aspect, feelings tend to get hurt and tempers tend to flair. If you were serious about a courthouse and a crawfish boil, that was your responsibility to make clear. The fact that he didn't believe you meant you either didn't communicate your wants or he doesn't take you seriously.

The fact that it's still both of yours wedding hasn't changed. Just your perception of it. Is this really how you want to enter a second marriage, holding the belief that it's his wedding, not yours?

Something sounds off here...

So you have never met a man that didn't listen?

climbingsingle · July 2016

Knottie1467209316 said:

AtomicBlonde said:

Knottie1467209316 said:

So this is my first post, but I have lurked for a while. Not sure if I am venting or looking for advice or what, but appreciate the platform.
This is our second go around. Both of us are divorced and he had kids and a psycho ex wife where I have no children and am somewhere between divorcee and widow. (Ex died during divorce proceedings) He never had a large wedding, but I did and he seems to think he would be shortchanging me if we didn't have a big wedding. So, to make him happy, I agreed. And that is when hell was set loose.
First off, his brother's girlfriend appointed herself wedding planner. As this is not my first rodeo and I did everything for my first wedding, I thought this was ridiculous, but went along to keep the piece. (This is not my wedding, this is HIS) Next, I asked my four best friends whom I have known since 6th grade to stand with me. Pick a color, wear what they wanted, do nothing (I didn't want a bridal shower) and stand there with me. Easy right?
In May, all of my bridesmaids bailed after one of them decided she could not stand because she believes I don't accept his kids, ages 9, 11 and 12. The kids had pulled some really mean stunts on Mother's Day and I was venting my frustration with my friends. But, according to the lead bailing BM, I am not a "real" mom, don't accept his children like she accepts her fiancé's children (all of her fiancé's kids are out of high school and don't live with him, so she is not exactly in the same situation as me. My fiancé has his kids 24/7 as their bio mom abandoned them and shows up once in a while) Regardless, I tried to mend it with her but she was firm and then the other 3, one of whom was not even present when the argument took place, followed her lead and bailed. One of them went as far as to suggest I have his kids in the wedding even though the children have been involved and part of the bridal party since Day 1. And she knew this as I had sent them all pictures 2 days prior!
So fiancé and I stepped back to rethink everything. In the process of rethinking, we fired the wedding planner. Or should I say I fired the wedding planner because 1) she planned absolutely nothing, 2) had only met at one venue and then proceeded to state she was the wedding planner (unbeknownst to me) and then fought with the management of the venue and 3) she never quoted a price.
Two weeks ago, this action blew up in my face as her boyfriend, my fiancé's brother, demanded I apologize for firing his girlfriend. "Your woman disrespected my woman!" Excuse me?? Am I a camel?? Do I have "Property of Fiance" tattooed on my butt?? This then degenerated into a war between fiancé and his brother because brother and girlfriend refused to talk to me and wanted him to "put (her) in (her) place". Yeah, they don't know him and they don't know me! This de-evolved further to threats of them calling Child Protective Services on me for fabricated reasons and destroying the wedding ceremony and a host of varying threats in between. This girl has a business, supposedly, so not sure how far the last threat will go.
I guess I am at a loss. I have lost friends who meant something to me over this and my fiancé has lost a brother, although he claims it is no big loss. I know this man I am marrying is amazing beyond words because any other man would have fled by now. He has seen me at my worst and seen me at my best and he is still here.
One thing I HAVE learned. It's not always the bride who is the -zilla.

To the first bolded: I don't understand this thought process at all. How is he "short changing" you? Do you want a big wedding at all? Some compromise needed to be reached here before planning even started.

To the second bolded. It IS your wedding. This is a red flag for me. If this isn't something you want, you should have spoken up very early on.

I am so confused by everything in this post. I don't know what you said about FI's kids, but I know none of my closest friends would bail on me if all I did was confide in them about bruised feelings. If all of your friends bailed for the same reason, maybe there's some truth there that you don't see.

Did you actually hire a wedding planner or did FBIL's GF appoint herself the role? If you never actually hired someone, which means agreeing to price, services, and signing a contract, there was no one to fire, so I can see that being a cause for flared tempers.

I'm just so confused by all of this. It sounds like a lack of communication and bad planning has contributed to a lot of this.

1 - HE feels he is shortchanging me if he did a simple courthouse wedding. I kept telling him I was fine with it. But I think it honestly reminded him too much or how pathetic his first wedding and marriage was and he somehow relates the kind of wedding to the marriage. Silly, I know, but whatever.
2 - I did speak up very early. From the moment h proposed. He thought I was joking until we actually had a large argument about how I didn't all this nonsense. His reply was "Are you serious? I thought you were joking all this time"
3 - You obviously have better friends than me.
4 - I never hired the wedding planner. She appointed herself and my fiancé and I decided to give it a try. Despite repeated attempts to get her involved, she wasn't into it and kept putting us off. So I finally fired her which apparently hurt her feelings.

So, you did hire her. And then fired her.

bleve0821 · July 2016

Knottie1467209316 said:

AtomicBlonde said:

Knottie1467209316 said:

charlotte989875 said:

Knottie1467209316 said:

So this is my first post, but I have lurked for a while. Not sure if I am venting or looking for advice or what, but appreciate the platform.
This is our second go around. Both of us are divorced and he had kids and a psycho ex wife where I have no children and am somewhere between divorcee and widow. (Ex died during divorce proceedings) He never had a large wedding, but I did and he seems to think he would be shortchanging me if we didn't have a big wedding. So, to make him happy, I agreed. And that is when hell was set loose.
First off, his brother's girlfriend appointed herself wedding planner. As this is not my first rodeo and I did everything for my first wedding, I thought this was ridiculous, but went along to keep the piece. (This is not my wedding, this is HIS) Next, I asked my four best friends whom I have known since 6th grade to stand with me. Pick a color, wear what they wanted, do nothing (I didn't want a bridal shower) and stand there with me. Easy right?
In May, all of my bridesmaids bailed after one of them decided she could not stand because she believes I don't accept his kids, ages 9, 11 and 12. The kids had pulled some really mean stunts on Mother's Day and I was venting my frustration with my friends. But, according to the lead bailing BM, I am not a "real" mom, don't accept his children like she accepts her fiancé's children (all of her fiancé's kids are out of high school and don't live with him, so she is not exactly in the same situation as me. My fiancé has his kids 24/7 as their bio mom abandoned them and shows up once in a while) Regardless, I tried to mend it with her but she was firm and then the other 3, one of whom was not even present when the argument took place, followed her lead and bailed. One of them went as far as to suggest I have his kids in the wedding even though the children have been involved and part of the bridal party since Day 1. And she knew this as I had sent them all pictures 2 days prior!
So fiancé and I stepped back to rethink everything. In the process of rethinking, we fired the wedding planner. Or should I say I fired the wedding planner because 1) she planned absolutely nothing, 2) had only met at one venue and then proceeded to state she was the wedding planner (unbeknownst to me) and then fought with the management of the venue and 3) she never quoted a price.
Two weeks ago, this action blew up in my face as her boyfriend, my fiancé's brother, demanded I apologize for firing his girlfriend. "Your woman disrespected my woman!" Excuse me?? Am I a camel?? Do I have "Property of Fiance" tattooed on my butt?? This then degenerated into a war between fiancé and his brother because brother and girlfriend refused to talk to me and wanted him to "put (her) in (her) place". Yeah, they don't know him and they don't know me! This de-evolved further to threats of them calling Child Protective Services on me for fabricated reasons and destroying the wedding ceremony and a host of varying threats in between. This girl has a business, supposedly, so not sure how far the last threat will go.
I guess I am at a loss. I have lost friends who meant something to me over this and my fiancé has lost a brother, although he claims it is no big loss. I know this man I am marrying is amazing beyond words because any other man would have fled by now. He has seen me at my worst and seen me at my best and he is still here.
One thing I HAVE learned. It's not always the bride who is the -zilla.

I'm a little confused, what in the world happened to make four women who you've been friends with since childhood to react this way?

A few other things;
1) No one can force themselves into your wedding planning without your consent. If you didn't want her involved you should have just said no.
2) This is your wedding too, not just your FI's, he's not marrying himself here, he's marrying you. If things are happening that you don't like, you need to speak up.
3) Did they actually call protective services? If so, you clearly have other things to focus on besides planning a wedding.

I think you need to take a step back and focus on what you and your FI want for your future and for your wedding. Loosing this many close friends and family over a party is a big deal.

1 - I did. No one listened to me so I ended up doing everything myself after trying to make nice and include her.
2 - No, it actually isn't. I said "Courthouse and a crawfish boil" and he thought I was joking. It wasn't until he paid for the entire affair that he FINALLY realized I was serious.
3 - No, they didn't. It was an empty threat.
I can see your point, but it seems to me that we have done nothing to deserve this angst where they have made it all about them and their butthurt feelings.

Then that's on you for not making it abundantly clear you were serious. Things like this aren't one and done. They require a conversation and planning and if both parties aren't on board with every aspect, feelings tend to get hurt and tempers tend to flair. If you were serious about a courthouse and a crawfish boil, that was your responsibility to make clear. The fact that he didn't believe you meant you either didn't communicate your wants or he doesn't take you seriously.

The fact that it's still both of yours wedding hasn't changed. Just your perception of it. Is this really how you want to enter a second marriage, holding the belief that it's his wedding, not yours?

Something sounds off here...

So you have never met a man that didn't listen?

You are generalizing a much deeper issue. It's not about "not listening." It's about ignoring what you wanted and treating it like a joke. It takes two people to get married, and in this case, what you want isn't in line with what he wants, and there was no compromise. If he can't see that you weren't on board with a full-blown wedding and it escalated, that's a red flag. It sounds more like you just played the role of doormat here and didn't push for a conversation about what you really wanted. After all, you are in the middle of planning something you don't even want. That didn't have to happen.

DH doesn't listen all the time. But he always listens when it comes down to my feelings and beliefs or what affects both of us, and I respect him the same way. We wouldn't have gotten married if this were not true. Our wedding was, from day one, a blend of what we both wanted.

climbingsingle · July 2016

I'm starting to think that you are the common denominator here. You essentially hired your FSIL and then fired her.

You "vented" about your FI's children, and offended your best friends, that you've known since 6th grade. And none of them want to speak to you anymore. But you did nothing wrong? None of this adds up.

ShesSoCold · July 2016

Knottie1467209316 said:

AtomicBlonde said:

Knottie1467209316 said:

charlotte989875 said:

Knottie1467209316 said:

So this is my first post, but I have lurked for a while. Not sure if I am venting or looking for advice or what, but appreciate the platform.
This is our second go around. Both of us are divorced and he had kids and a psycho ex wife where I have no children and am somewhere between divorcee and widow. (Ex died during divorce proceedings) He never had a large wedding, but I did and he seems to think he would be shortchanging me if we didn't have a big wedding. So, to make him happy, I agreed. And that is when hell was set loose.
First off, his brother's girlfriend appointed herself wedding planner. As this is not my first rodeo and I did everything for my first wedding, I thought this was ridiculous, but went along to keep the piece. (This is not my wedding, this is HIS) Next, I asked my four best friends whom I have known since 6th grade to stand with me. Pick a color, wear what they wanted, do nothing (I didn't want a bridal shower) and stand there with me. Easy right?
In May, all of my bridesmaids bailed after one of them decided she could not stand because she believes I don't accept his kids, ages 9, 11 and 12. The kids had pulled some really mean stunts on Mother's Day and I was venting my frustration with my friends. But, according to the lead bailing BM, I am not a "real" mom, don't accept his children like she accepts her fiancé's children (all of her fiancé's kids are out of high school and don't live with him, so she is not exactly in the same situation as me. My fiancé has his kids 24/7 as their bio mom abandoned them and shows up once in a while) Regardless, I tried to mend it with her but she was firm and then the other 3, one of whom was not even present when the argument took place, followed her lead and bailed. One of them went as far as to suggest I have his kids in the wedding even though the children have been involved and part of the bridal party since Day 1. And she knew this as I had sent them all pictures 2 days prior!
So fiancé and I stepped back to rethink everything. In the process of rethinking, we fired the wedding planner. Or should I say I fired the wedding planner because 1) she planned absolutely nothing, 2) had only met at one venue and then proceeded to state she was the wedding planner (unbeknownst to me) and then fought with the management of the venue and 3) she never quoted a price.
Two weeks ago, this action blew up in my face as her boyfriend, my fiancé's brother, demanded I apologize for firing his girlfriend. "Your woman disrespected my woman!" Excuse me?? Am I a camel?? Do I have "Property of Fiance" tattooed on my butt?? This then degenerated into a war between fiancé and his brother because brother and girlfriend refused to talk to me and wanted him to "put (her) in (her) place". Yeah, they don't know him and they don't know me! This de-evolved further to threats of them calling Child Protective Services on me for fabricated reasons and destroying the wedding ceremony and a host of varying threats in between. This girl has a business, supposedly, so not sure how far the last threat will go.
I guess I am at a loss. I have lost friends who meant something to me over this and my fiancé has lost a brother, although he claims it is no big loss. I know this man I am marrying is amazing beyond words because any other man would have fled by now. He has seen me at my worst and seen me at my best and he is still here.
One thing I HAVE learned. It's not always the bride who is the -zilla.

I'm a little confused, what in the world happened to make four women who you've been friends with since childhood to react this way?

A few other things;
1) No one can force themselves into your wedding planning without your consent. If you didn't want her involved you should have just said no.
2) This is your wedding too, not just your FI's, he's not marrying himself here, he's marrying you. If things are happening that you don't like, you need to speak up.
3) Did they actually call protective services? If so, you clearly have other things to focus on besides planning a wedding.

I think you need to take a step back and focus on what you and your FI want for your future and for your wedding. Loosing this many close friends and family over a party is a big deal.

1 - I did. No one listened to me so I ended up doing everything myself after trying to make nice and include her.
2 - No, it actually isn't. I said "Courthouse and a crawfish boil" and he thought I was joking. It wasn't until he paid for the entire affair that he FINALLY realized I was serious.
3 - No, they didn't. It was an empty threat.
I can see your point, but it seems to me that we have done nothing to deserve this angst where they have made it all about them and their butthurt feelings.

Then that's on you for not making it abundantly clear you were serious. Things like this aren't one and done. They require a conversation and planning and if both parties aren't on board with every aspect, feelings tend to get hurt and tempers tend to flair. If you were serious about a courthouse and a crawfish boil, that was your responsibility to make clear. The fact that he didn't believe you meant you either didn't communicate your wants or he doesn't take you seriously.

The fact that it's still both of yours wedding hasn't changed. Just your perception of it. Is this really how you want to enter a second marriage, holding the belief that it's his wedding, not yours?

Something sounds off here...

So you have never met a man that didn't listen?

I certainly didn't marry one.

bohobrideCA · July 2016

Knottie1467209316 said:

bohobrideCA said:

This is not a curse. Why didn't you want to apologize to your FI's brother's girlfriend? All you had to say is "sorry, I want to take control of the wedding myself. I should have told you that from the beginning, my bad!"

People do not lose four lifelong friends at once because of "venting" about their FI's kids and then have two additional family members call CPS... This does not happen. Take a serious look at yourself.

I see no reason to apologize to someone who acted very unprofessionally at a wedding venue, didn't bother to show up for another appointment, put me off for months so I was forced to do everything myself even though I gave her ample opportunity and who then sics her boyfriend on me to "put me in line". I have nothing to apologize for.
You're joking about the taking a serious look at myself right? Do you think my fiancé would marry me if I was a danger to his kids?? And it was not two additional family members. It was HIS BROTHER who actually believes the kids are HIS. His and his girlfriends even though they have only been together 4 years and he was deployed overseas 3 of those years.
I can understand your comment about the lifelong friends, but I have texts that prove what I am saying is true.

You should have apologized because it's your partner's brother and you hired her, which was your mistake and then you had to fire her... You didn't have to admit fault, you just needed to say sorry it didn't work out, be decent. Obviously your tactic of being combative isn't working out for you now that your FI has "lost a brother" you have lost four friends and now you're asking for advice on forum. This isn't a curse, you need to be aware of your part in these issues.

flantastic · July 2016

Oh, wow. Several relationships end over your behavior and everyone else is the problem. Yep.

CraftyG · July 2016

Knottie1467209316 said:

I see no reason to apologize to someone who acted very unprofessionally at a wedding venue, didn't bother to show up for another appointment, put me off for months so I was forced to do everything myself even though I gave her ample opportunity and who then sics her boyfriend on me to "put me in line". I have nothing to apologize for.
You're joking about the taking a serious look at myself right? Do you think my fiancé would marry me if I was a danger to his kids?? And it was not two additional family members. It was HIS BROTHER who actually believes the kids are HIS. His and his girlfriends even though they have only been together 4 years and he was deployed overseas 3 of those years.
I can understand your comment about the lifelong friends, but I have texts that prove what I am saying is true.

- STUCK IN BOX -

Am I completely confusing myself or are you saying that FI's brother thinks FI's kids are actually his? So much drama!

glasgowtolondon · July 2016

After being on these boards for a year I've come to realise that a lot of people crave and create drama, and then come on here all like 'why is everyone around me being so dramatic?!'. You are the common denominator in all these situations, so you have to be, at the very least, partially to blame. Why were you powerless to stop your FI planning a huge wedding that neither of you wanted, under the misapprehension that this was something you would like? The situation with your friends is bizarre but without more details it is impossible to really comment on. All I'll say is, if your one sided view of things is 100% accurate then sounds like you dodged a bullet as these women sound judgey AF. However, the way you dealt with your brother in laws GF makes me suspect that you don't always speak to people in the nicest way. Sure, maybe she was a shit wedding planner, but you really had to fire her? Couldn't possibly just say what @bohobrideCA suggested in order to keep family peace? Sounds like you just had to put the girl in her place.

SaintPaulGal · July 2016

Sounds like a lot of unnecessary drama with you at the center, OP. I'm sure it's not easy to hear, but I very much doubt you are the blameless victim you are making yourself out to be. You either revel in the drama or you need to use your words to make yourself heard or both.

Let's take a look at the whole "this is his wedding not my wedding" statement. That is only true if you let it be true. He thought you were kidding about wanting a small wedding? You express yourself strongly and clearly and disabuse him of that notion:
You: "I would like a courthouse wedding followed by a crawfish boil."
Him: "Hahaha. You're funny."
You: "I'm being serious."
Him: "You must be joking. It wouldn't be fair to you not to have a big wedding."
You: "We need to talk this through. I would prefer to have a small wedding. I am willing to entertain the idea of having a big wedding if that is important to you, but I need you to understand that my own preference is to keep things small and low key."
Him: "Oh. I thought you were kidding."
You: "Nope."
Done. Clear, forthright conversation.

If someone "doesn't listen" about a subject that is important to you, you continue communicating clearly and directly and unambiguously until they fully understand what you are trying to convey. If you make yourself heard in a clear and direct and unambiguous way and someone still steamrolls over you no negotiation and without taking your needs into account, then that is a very clear indication that that person does not deserve to hold a prominent place in your life.

MesmrEwe · July 2016

Your first order of business is to invest in a marriage and family counselor and do some marriage prep. Work through on a neutral ground how the parenting relationship is going to be with the kids, work out some of these issues because there's a lot more background than you posted here given what you've posted. It's also the best money spent in terms of all things wedding anyway!

Whatever it was that was said, the damage is already done with your clique. You should talk to your FI and if you can't come to an agreement on the wedding, for more than "just keep the peace" you may want to rethink all things wedding.. There's compromise (roses vs. lilies), and there's fundamental disagreements..

mrsconn23 · July 2016

Self-awareness, what? Who needs that?

OurWildKingdom · July 2016

MesmrEwe said:

Your first order of business is to invest in a marriage and family counselor and do some marriage prep. Work through on a neutral ground how the parenting relationship is going to be with the kids, work out some of these issues because there's a lot more background than you posted here given what you've posted. It's also the best money spent in terms of all things wedding.

Nailed it, @MesmrEwe. Sounds like you've spent more time on the wedding than you have on the marriage. You and FI may also want to go to parenting classes and/or individual counseling as well.

In the meantime, make amends to your FBIL, his GF, and your friends. Remember an apology is only a small part of an amends. The key is change; own what you did, and do your best not to repeat it.

artbyallie · July 2016

ShesSoCold said:

Knottie1467209316 said:

AtomicBlonde said:

Knottie1467209316 said:

charlotte989875 said:

Knottie1467209316 said:

So this is my first post, but I have lurked for a while. Not sure if I am venting or looking for advice or what, but appreciate the platform.
This is our second go around. Both of us are divorced and he had kids and a psycho ex wife where I have no children and am somewhere between divorcee and widow. (Ex died during divorce proceedings) He never had a large wedding, but I did and he seems to think he would be shortchanging me if we didn't have a big wedding. So, to make him happy, I agreed. And that is when hell was set loose.
First off, his brother's girlfriend appointed herself wedding planner. As this is not my first rodeo and I did everything for my first wedding, I thought this was ridiculous, but went along to keep the piece. (This is not my wedding, this is HIS) Next, I asked my four best friends whom I have known since 6th grade to stand with me. Pick a color, wear what they wanted, do nothing (I didn't want a bridal shower) and stand there with me. Easy right?
In May, all of my bridesmaids bailed after one of them decided she could not stand because she believes I don't accept his kids, ages 9, 11 and 12. The kids had pulled some really mean stunts on Mother's Day and I was venting my frustration with my friends. But, according to the lead bailing BM, I am not a "real" mom, don't accept his children like she accepts her fiancé's children (all of her fiancé's kids are out of high school and don't live with him, so she is not exactly in the same situation as me. My fiancé has his kids 24/7 as their bio mom abandoned them and shows up once in a while) Regardless, I tried to mend it with her but she was firm and then the other 3, one of whom was not even present when the argument took place, followed her lead and bailed. One of them went as far as to suggest I have his kids in the wedding even though the children have been involved and part of the bridal party since Day 1. And she knew this as I had sent them all pictures 2 days prior!
So fiancé and I stepped back to rethink everything. In the process of rethinking, we fired the wedding planner. Or should I say I fired the wedding planner because 1) she planned absolutely nothing, 2) had only met at one venue and then proceeded to state she was the wedding planner (unbeknownst to me) and then fought with the management of the venue and 3) she never quoted a price.
Two weeks ago, this action blew up in my face as her boyfriend, my fiancé's brother, demanded I apologize for firing his girlfriend. "Your woman disrespected my woman!" Excuse me?? Am I a camel?? Do I have "Property of Fiance" tattooed on my butt?? This then degenerated into a war between fiancé and his brother because brother and girlfriend refused to talk to me and wanted him to "put (her) in (her) place". Yeah, they don't know him and they don't know me! This de-evolved further to threats of them calling Child Protective Services on me for fabricated reasons and destroying the wedding ceremony and a host of varying threats in between. This girl has a business, supposedly, so not sure how far the last threat will go.
I guess I am at a loss. I have lost friends who meant something to me over this and my fiancé has lost a brother, although he claims it is no big loss. I know this man I am marrying is amazing beyond words because any other man would have fled by now. He has seen me at my worst and seen me at my best and he is still here.
One thing I HAVE learned. It's not always the bride who is the -zilla.

I'm a little confused, what in the world happened to make four women who you've been friends with since childhood to react this way?

A few other things;
1) No one can force themselves into your wedding planning without your consent. If you didn't want her involved you should have just said no.
2) This is your wedding too, not just your FI's, he's not marrying himself here, he's marrying you. If things are happening that you don't like, you need to speak up.
3) Did they actually call protective services? If so, you clearly have other things to focus on besides planning a wedding.

I think you need to take a step back and focus on what you and your FI want for your future and for your wedding. Loosing this many close friends and family over a party is a big deal.

1 - I did. No one listened to me so I ended up doing everything myself after trying to make nice and include her.
2 - No, it actually isn't. I said "Courthouse and a crawfish boil" and he thought I was joking. It wasn't until he paid for the entire affair that he FINALLY realized I was serious.
3 - No, they didn't. It was an empty threat.
I can see your point, but it seems to me that we have done nothing to deserve this angst where they have made it all about them and their butthurt feelings.

Then that's on you for not making it abundantly clear you were serious. Things like this aren't one and done. They require a conversation and planning and if both parties aren't on board with every aspect, feelings tend to get hurt and tempers tend to flair. If you were serious about a courthouse and a crawfish boil, that was your responsibility to make clear. The fact that he didn't believe you meant you either didn't communicate your wants or he doesn't take you seriously.

The fact that it's still both of yours wedding hasn't changed. Just your perception of it. Is this really how you want to enter a second marriage, holding the belief that it's his wedding, not yours?

Something sounds off here...

So you have never met a man that didn't listen?

I certainly didn't marry one.

QFT. Either you're not communicating clearly enough or he's ignoring what you're saying and either way that's a red flag for your relationship by itself. Have you two gone to any sort of counseling?

drunkenwitch · July 2016

Knottie1467209316 said:

AtomicBlonde said:

Knottie1467209316 said:

charlotte989875 said:

Knottie1467209316 said:

So this is my first post, but I have lurked for a while. Not sure if I am venting or looking for advice or what, but appreciate the platform.
This is our second go around. Both of us are divorced and he had kids and a psycho ex wife where I have no children and am somewhere between divorcee and widow. (Ex died during divorce proceedings) He never had a large wedding, but I did and he seems to think he would be shortchanging me if we didn't have a big wedding. So, to make him happy, I agreed. And that is when hell was set loose.
First off, his brother's girlfriend appointed herself wedding planner. As this is not my first rodeo and I did everything for my first wedding, I thought this was ridiculous, but went along to keep the piece. (This is not my wedding, this is HIS) Next, I asked my four best friends whom I have known since 6th grade to stand with me. Pick a color, wear what they wanted, do nothing (I didn't want a bridal shower) and stand there with me. Easy right?
In May, all of my bridesmaids bailed after one of them decided she could not stand because she believes I don't accept his kids, ages 9, 11 and 12. The kids had pulled some really mean stunts on Mother's Day and I was venting my frustration with my friends. But, according to the lead bailing BM, I am not a "real" mom, don't accept his children like she accepts her fiancé's children (all of her fiancé's kids are out of high school and don't live with him, so she is not exactly in the same situation as me. My fiancé has his kids 24/7 as their bio mom abandoned them and shows up once in a while) Regardless, I tried to mend it with her but she was firm and then the other 3, one of whom was not even present when the argument took place, followed her lead and bailed. One of them went as far as to suggest I have his kids in the wedding even though the children have been involved and part of the bridal party since Day 1. And she knew this as I had sent them all pictures 2 days prior!
So fiancé and I stepped back to rethink everything. In the process of rethinking, we fired the wedding planner. Or should I say I fired the wedding planner because 1) she planned absolutely nothing, 2) had only met at one venue and then proceeded to state she was the wedding planner (unbeknownst to me) and then fought with the management of the venue and 3) she never quoted a price.
Two weeks ago, this action blew up in my face as her boyfriend, my fiancé's brother, demanded I apologize for firing his girlfriend. "Your woman disrespected my woman!" Excuse me?? Am I a camel?? Do I have "Property of Fiance" tattooed on my butt?? This then degenerated into a war between fiancé and his brother because brother and girlfriend refused to talk to me and wanted him to "put (her) in (her) place". Yeah, they don't know him and they don't know me! This de-evolved further to threats of them calling Child Protective Services on me for fabricated reasons and destroying the wedding ceremony and a host of varying threats in between. This girl has a business, supposedly, so not sure how far the last threat will go.
I guess I am at a loss. I have lost friends who meant something to me over this and my fiancé has lost a brother, although he claims it is no big loss. I know this man I am marrying is amazing beyond words because any other man would have fled by now. He has seen me at my worst and seen me at my best and he is still here.
One thing I HAVE learned. It's not always the bride who is the -zilla.

I'm a little confused, what in the world happened to make four women who you've been friends with since childhood to react this way?

A few other things;
1) No one can force themselves into your wedding planning without your consent. If you didn't want her involved you should have just said no.
2) This is your wedding too, not just your FI's, he's not marrying himself here, he's marrying you. If things are happening that you don't like, you need to speak up.
3) Did they actually call protective services? If so, you clearly have other things to focus on besides planning a wedding.

I think you need to take a step back and focus on what you and your FI want for your future and for your wedding. Loosing this many close friends and family over a party is a big deal.

1 - I did. No one listened to me so I ended up doing everything myself after trying to make nice and include her.
2 - No, it actually isn't. I said "Courthouse and a crawfish boil" and he thought I was joking. It wasn't until he paid for the entire affair that he FINALLY realized I was serious.
3 - No, they didn't. It was an empty threat.
I can see your point, but it seems to me that we have done nothing to deserve this angst where they have made it all about them and their butthurt feelings.

Then that's on you for not making it abundantly clear you were serious. Things like this aren't one and done. They require a conversation and planning and if both parties aren't on board with every aspect, feelings tend to get hurt and tempers tend to flair. If you were serious about a courthouse and a crawfish boil, that was your responsibility to make clear. The fact that he didn't believe you meant you either didn't communicate your wants or he doesn't take you seriously.

The fact that it's still both of yours wedding hasn't changed. Just your perception of it. Is this really how you want to enter a second marriage, holding the belief that it's his wedding, not yours?

Something sounds off here...

So you have never met a man that didn't listen?

Yes, I did. Dated him for two horrible years then dumped his sorry ass.

Current BF, 5 years together. He believes what I tell him and he listens. 1) because that's who he is and one of the many reasons I love him 2) I say what I mean and mean what I say so he knows that he can trust the words coming out of my mouth as the truth and not some stupid mind game.

HereForThePartyGK · July 2016

I'd really like to know what you said about his kids that made all your lifelong friends leave you.

sparklepants41 · July 2016

HereForThePartyGK said:

I'd really like to know what you said about his kids that made all your lifelong friends leave you.

Ditto.

And seriously - heavens to Murgatroyd I need a drink after reading this. I really fail to see how your friends dating back to 6th grade would have left you if what you had said was truly benign.

levioosa · July 2016

Pretty sure the problem here isn't everyone else...

Starting to think my wedding cursed

Re: Starting to think my wedding cursed

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