Moms and Maids

Mom/mom bf drama rant?

So I found the perfect photography company that I wanted to shoot the wedding, and I told my mom about it right after the initial consultation. She and her boyfriend offered to pay for said photographer. That was back in April, and it is now July. I have asked her about the deposit a few times, maybe once or twice a month since then, and she's always saying "oh, i'll let you know I have to check my finances," which i totally understand, to an extent. However, me and FH went to visit yesterday and both my mom and her boyfriend proceeded to gloat over all the lego sets, amazon firesticks, dvds, and xbox one games they bought for themselves over the last few months, and made no mention of when they were going to make the deposit for us. 

So, this obviously upset both me and my FH because this isn't the first time they've said that they would buy or pay for something for us (or other family members) and they never follow through. It feels like they aren't taking this wedding or their contribution seriously. 

In my mom's eyes she considers her boyfriend "my dad/father" which is he far from in any aspect, even if they have been together for like 12 years, and she never fails to call him "your dad" to me, which is annoying beyond all belief. And i've explained that to her many times but she doesn't listen. She's very opinionated, and almost immature sometimes when I or FI talk to her. She even went as far as saying that I had to include him in the wedding somehow, which wasn't on my agenda at all; like, he is being invited, that is more than enough, and that was like pulling teeth because I didn't want him invited, but my mom is petty about everything and wouldn't have showed up if he wasn't invited. 

Also, she can be condescending, and fully believes i won't be able to lose weight by the time the wedding comes around (Sept 2017), and she makes fun of me about it all the time. And she acts like she is smarter than anyone, including FI, like she almost belittles him in a joking way, if that makes sense. She treats him like a little boy and i find it offensive, because she doesn't give him the respect a man deserves, IMO, but her boyfriend is like the perfect dude and he's SO HORRIBLE. no one in my family likes him even!

So idk, if i'm just ranting or if there's anyone who experiences mom's being rude or unreliable and has any advice.
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Re: Mom/mom bf drama rant?

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited July 2016
    I would plan to pay for the entire wedding without any contributions from your mother, and stop talking to her about the plans.

    It sucks to have a parent who is both unreliable and condescending (I've been there), but weddings don't make anyone's bad traits go away and often amplifies them.

    As far as her BF goes, the only expectation she's entitled to on your part is that you invite him as her partner and host him just as you would host any other guest. She's not entitled to expect any more than that from you.
    InLoveInQueenssabrinamarie819PrettyGirlLost
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    PP have given great advice.  Its time to start advocating for yourself.  Stand up to your mother, don't give into her anymore.  She does something you don't like, tell her how inappropriate it is and hang up or leave.  Don't fall into her trap.  Another thing to say to her is "Why would you say such a thing?"  and  again leave.  You may never change your mother's behavior, but you can change your reaction to her behavior.  So change your reactions by showing her words don't hurt and leaving the situation.

    It sounds like your dad is no longer in the picture.  If she mentions again how BF is your dad, tell her that's a big fat no.  Tell her that you will never recognize her BF as your father because he is not.  Go further saying he didn't raise you or has had no influence on your life, etc.  Tell her she can think what she wants, but you will never recognize him as your father, so she should stop bringing it up.  Then ignore when she tries to say "your dad" or say "who"?

    Pay for everything for your own wedding.  It will keep your mom out of it and give you some peaceful planning.  She has never followed through with monetary assistance, so don't think she will start now.

    As for mom's BF at the wedding. Yes, he must be invited.  Appease your mom by giving him a bout.  But that is it.  If your mom is not escorting you down the aisle, I would consider allowing him to escort your mom to her seat prior to the ceremony starting.  That could also appease her wish, without giving him a prominent role. 

    Make sure your DJ knows what's up in terms of toasts and dancing.  Explicitly tell him the mom's BF is not having a spotlight dance with you AND that he should not receive the microphone for any reason.  I'd also probably put that last restriction on your mom too.


    geebee908sabrinamarie819SP29
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Ditto PPs. Don't count on her money, invite him, and start speaking up for yourself when she or they are out of line. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    InLoveInQueenssabrinamarie819PrettyGirlLost
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Also, let your vendors know that only you and your FI are authorized to discuss, make, change, or cancel any wedding arrangements so your mother doesn't try to go behind your back -- JIC
    sabrinamarie819ernursejSP29
  • Thank you all so much for your advice. I had a feeling they weren't going to come through from the get go, but i gave them the benefit of the doubt because my mom has been bragging about BF's new job and that they make more money than before blah blah blah, but after visiting on monday we have officially decided to rule their contributions out.

     He gets a bout, and to sit with my mom during ceremony and reception, I dont want him in our pictures, nor any spotlight dance or toast. I told my mom he can be in charge of making sure people sign the guest book, (not that it really needs an attendant since they are self explanitory.)

    We already plan to budget the photographer ourselves starting at the end of next month. Also, we were just talking right now and agreed we won't be talking with anyone in our families about the wedding, with the exception of my aunt and uncle (who offered to pay for our invitations, and my uncle will get getting ordained to marry us ❤️), and my grandmother, since I'm Keeping, basically, my entire wardrobe at her house because i have 2 cats and no AC and terrible air flow in our apt, and I dont want the dress to get damaged or smell like cats.


    One of you mentioned that it didnt sound like my dad was in the picture; you guessed right! Which also brings me to ask if I should even mention to him that ' getting married. FI said he would fb message him stating that he is marrying me and to please respect that we dont want him or his girlfriend in our lives, if I wanted him to, and i'm unsure how I feel about that either. 

    I just don't feel as excited about planning as I imagined it would be.
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I was just going to say what MobKaz said, allow Mom's BF to be in a few pictures, but you don't have to print them or use them in your album.  If your mom wants to have one of those, give her one.  But you don't have to have any for yourself.  Give your photog the heads up on this.  Tell him/her that your mom might want BF in more pictures.  If your photog has done many weddings already, I'm sure they have experienced family drama with the pictures before.  Your photog should be ready to reply to your mom's "Wait, BF needs to be in this picture." with a "Let me take a few like this, then we will bring him in.  I'm getting all sorts of family combinations."

    And as PP said, don't contact your father.  If you are not close, like you say, there could only cause worse feelings between you two when you or your FI email him to say that you are getting married, but he isn't invited.

    And if you need to bounce ideas off people, ask us!  We love weddings, its one of the reasons we are all still here!

    SP29
  • @CMGragain bio dad lives in houston (we're in chicago), and also has done this same situation where he promised money (that I was hoping to use for school books), and didn't follow through, but coincidentally bought a new motorcycle after i asked. I have him blocked on fb because of that, and also because I never wanted him in my life to begin with (long story; deadbeat, didn't make an "effort" til i was 10). I don't mind that it's rude because he deserves all that and more. But i was just curious if i should or not. I don't usually bring him up unless i'm already upset about something to do with moms bf, or mom.

    @levioosa i have no idea if he knows what's going on in my life or not, the only person on his side that I "talk" to (aka have as a fb friend) is his sister and she doesn't really talk to me too much.

    @MobKaz I knew someone would say something like that, but no one is going with me to pick up invitations except maybe FI. my aunt and uncle are just handing me money to pay for them, and I go pay the lady and then pick them up (she's a local invite maker i found on etsy!). So no worries on mom trying to steal any, plus we're not making a ton of extras, maybe a handful, if that. Also, we are hosting our wedding ourselves, so no parents are being listed on the invites. As for pictures, yes my mom would make a scene, she does so at any family get together that they actually show up to together. (sidenote: reason i said she would be petty is because she has purposefully not shown up to other events because he is not welcome, or because she doesn't want to deal with anyone's kids, but the bf brought all this upon himself from years of being awful.)

    @OliveOilsMom thank you for being supportive, and thank all of you, actually. I have alot of planning done, for the most part, it's just a few little things here and there that i'm having trouble with (aka finding bridesmaids dresses), and just budgeting hahaha. as for pictures, i just don't really know who to take pictures with (while including the bf), i can't stress enough how much NONE of my family likes him, its not just us! and that makes seating difficult because my mom and FMIL don't like each other and my immediate family doesnt like the bf, so it's like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. (I was planning on just having them sit at a "parents table" off to the side, out of our direct line of sight [we both don't really like our parents too much]).

    @SaintPaulGal the last time i tried to explain to my mom that he's not my dad, she got all pissed and didn't talk to me for like months. also she SWEARS by common law, even though it is not recognized in this state (but she still calls him her "husband", which is annoying.) I do acknowledge I have alot of anger towards my family, some more than others, but i've been trying to get past it. but there are some days that it just gets under my skin and I seriously can't help but go apeshit, mentally. I even talked to a therapist about it, and she didn't really give me anything concrete to work with. yeah, i had brought up messaging bio dad, but I didn't want to unblock him (since there is a 48 hr waiting period afterwards til u can re-block) and have all the messages come pouring in with the fake ily's and pretending to care, etc. I just get really angry at them both for alot.
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  • I'm going to echo the others that say:
    1) Take photos with the BF.   You're under no obligation to print the shots he's in.
    2) Seat the BF and mom together.   He may not be liked but try to find a table that makes sense for her.   You're not going to please everyone so basically go with the least stressful arrangement here.   
    3) BF and mom get seated together in the ceremony up front.

    Finally, don't share any details with these people and definitely just assume that they won't give you anything.   
    OliveOilsMomsabrinamarie819PrettyGirlLost
  • I am really only here to echo some of the great advice you've gotten.  I think finding a therapist who is helpful will be a great asset to you.  One of the key factors in making change in therapy is the relationship between the client and therapist.  Without that, it doesn't matter what else is happening, you won't feel better!  You get to interview them!  So, as hard as it can be, keep looking until you find someone with whom you feel comfortable.

    I understand being angry at your parents.  And no matter how much we aren't owed anything by anyone, it is hard to be promised by people who we feel should be reliable and then not have them follow through.  It will help you in YOUR life a great deal though if you can move on from that anger and resentment.  It sounds like you aren't dealing with parents whose abilities aren't fully what we expect from those roles.  They aren't doing these things to you, they may just not be capable - for whatever reason.  I'm saying this from personal experience.  My dad was a lot like yours.  It took me a lot of hard work to move past my resentment and realize that I wanted to have a relationship with him.  It wasn't going to look like what I wanted, but once I had a realistic view of what it would look like and could set my expectations there, *I* felt much better and happier.  My dad didn't talk to my sister and I for 4 years and when he started to contact us again he would do things like send birthday presents (for the complete wrong aged child) on her birthday because he couldn't remember whose was whose.  He is very narcissistic -which is challenging to understand as a child.  And on multiple occasions, he chose his latest wife over his kids.  Those things hurt.  But through supportive relationships and a lot of introspection, I was able to see his limits and decide I wanted to have a relationship (I could easily have decided not to have one at all but I chose to work on it myself).  My sister, however, still harbors a huge amount of anger and resentment.  To be honest I see this affect her every day and in every relationship.  In fighting so much against him she has become much like him.  She expects far too much out of her relationships because she feels she is owed something.  At times she considers wanting to work it out and has even talked to me about the HARD work I did to get to where I am, but she's not there yet.

    I only share this because I can understand where you're coming from and I see the freedom I feel and the pain my sister carries with her.  It really will set you free to find peace with your parents.

    And for what it's worth, my dad actually has changed some. Not 100%, but in adjusting my expectations of him, he has risen to the occasion and pleasantly surprised me a few times.  These are things that came with age, his new wife and (I can only assume) the shift in my attitude toward him.

    Good luck.
    sabrinamarie819SP29kimmiinthemitten
  • Sage advice @CMGragain.  Well said.
    sabrinamarie819
  • Thank you all so much. Having someone outside the loop to actually give solid feedback and being able to talk about these issues truly helps. 

    @ILoveBeachMusic - once i get insurance situated again, i will definitely be looking for a new therapist. i mean, she was ok and all, but i don't feel like it really helped me get alot of my anger resolved. also, we're inviting them because we would literally never hear the end of it, or the exact opposite and not hear from them at all ever. we want them there, but some days we can't stand them at all.

    @SaintPaulGal - no, you're totally right. in the back of my head i know im not entitled to anything, but maybe im just being immature and feeling like my mom should because she chose her bf over me in other situations that left a sour taste in my mouth (and still does a little, now). since we visited last week, i've been telling myself that i'm just ruling them out, money-wise, and just gonna have to tighten the belt on our own budget and pay for the photog ourselves. as for the buying legos and etc, i just feel angry because it's not like they bought a little bit of these things and we're like 'oh hey check this out!", they have their entire dining room table full of it, PLUS a giant bin of more in the living room, so it just confuses me that they are able to afford all of this in such a short amount of time, and couldn't put just a little bit on the side? 

    @banana468 - there's nowhere else to really put the parents except a parents' table. there's less than 10 people total on FI's family being invited, and 3 of them are sitting at the head table, and their kids will be sitting with FMIL at parent's table, or with his aunt's table. 

    @MandTFebruary62011 -  i have a grudge against bio dad for more than not being there, he was also abusive to my mom and kept us in an apt w rats/roaches when i was a baby, so there's that. but i appreciate you being positive, and saying encouraging words.

    @CMGragain  - i didn't even think of that, as a gift idea. thanks! bc i had no idea what to get them.


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  • @CMGragain bio dad lives in houston (we're in chicago), and also has done this same situation where he promised money (that I was hoping to use for school books), and didn't follow through, but coincidentally bought a new motorcycle after i asked. I have him blocked on fb because of that, and also because I never wanted him in my life to begin with (long story; deadbeat, didn't make an "effort" til i was 10). I don't mind that it's rude because he deserves all that and more. But i was just curious if i should or not. I don't usually bring him up unless i'm already upset about something to do with moms bf, or mom.

    @levioosa i have no idea if he knows what's going on in my life or not, the only person on his side that I "talk" to (aka have as a fb friend) is his sister and she doesn't really talk to me too much.

    @MobKaz I knew someone would say something like that, but no one is going with me to pick up invitations except maybe FI. my aunt and uncle are just handing me money to pay for them, and I go pay the lady and then pick them up (she's a local invite maker i found on etsy!). So no worries on mom trying to steal any, plus we're not making a ton of extras, maybe a handful, if that. Also, we are hosting our wedding ourselves, so no parents are being listed on the invites. As for pictures, yes my mom would make a scene, she does so at any family get together that they actually show up to together. (sidenote: reason i said she would be petty is because she has purposefully not shown up to other events because he is not welcome, or because she doesn't want to deal with anyone's kids, but the bf brought all this upon himself from years of being awful.)

    @OliveOilsMom thank you for being supportive, and thank all of you, actually. I have alot of planning done, for the most part, it's just a few little things here and there that i'm having trouble with (aka finding bridesmaids dresses), and just budgeting hahaha. as for pictures, i just don't really know who to take pictures with (while including the bf), i can't stress enough how much NONE of my family likes him, its not just us! and that makes seating difficult because my mom and FMIL don't like each other and my immediate family doesnt like the bf, so it's like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. (I was planning on just having them sit at a "parents table" off to the side, out of our direct line of sight [we both don't really like our parents too much]).

    @SaintPaulGal the last time i tried to explain to my mom that he's not my dad, she got all pissed and didn't talk to me for like months. also she SWEARS by common law, even though it is not recognized in this state (but she still calls him her "husband", which is annoying.) I do acknowledge I have alot of anger towards my family, some more than others, but i've been trying to get past it. but there are some days that it just gets under my skin and I seriously can't help but go apeshit, mentally. I even talked to a therapist about it, and she didn't really give me anything concrete to work with. yeah, i had brought up messaging bio dad, but I didn't want to unblock him (since there is a 48 hr waiting period afterwards til u can re-block) and have all the messages come pouring in with the fake ily's and pretending to care, etc. I just get really angry at them both for alot.

    I agree with the other PPs on most of your issues/complaints with your family.

    And, not to add fire to the flame, but the bolded is a big pet peeve of mine in general.  "Common law" is a legal construct that doesn't seem to mean much even in states where such a thing exists.  It does not however, at least IMO, give people the right to refer to each other as husband/wife socially.  Because that is misleading at best and lying at worst.  I don't even understand it, at least the majority of the time.  If people want to be each other's spouses to the point where they are referring to each other as husband/wife.  Then...why wouldn't they just get married?

    There can be a lot of good reasons long term couples don't get married.  I'm not knocking that.  I was one of those couples.  My H and I were together for 13 years before we got married.  We planned to be together forever, but didn't use the terms husband/wife until after the deed was done.

    Aside from that, in your case OP, even if they were married...mom's husband does not equal your "dad".  That is seriously bizarre and would super piss me off also.  "Dad" is a word of honor that needs to be earned.  And the only person who gets to decide, for right or wrong, if that title is earned is you.

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  • @OliveOilsMom - we are having a head table, their dates will be allowed to sit with us, as they are are closest friends/family. we do have a married couple (FBIL and his wife is his date but not in WP), i don't want children sitting with me at my table, but FI doesnt want a sweetheart table. we were thinking of kids table, but not really sure how well that would go with a table of unattended children. FMIL always complains that she doesnt get to spend time with her grandkids so FI thought its a nice gesture to sit FBIL's kids and FSIL's (other sibling w child) kid w FMIL at parent's table. there isnt anywhere else to really put that that they would behave. and honestly it's just for the dinner part of the reception, we will be having "goodie bags" with activities for the kids to do, like bubbles, coloring books, etc AND unlimited access to photo booth for the night, so i think they'll be fine?
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  • @Sherbie25 - his side is very dysfunctional, more so than mine. Like him mom is literally crazy, so if i let her sit with the kids they're out of our/their parents hair for the evening and FMIL wont complain that she didnt get to spend time with them all day. 
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  • Everyone has given you pretty sound advice - I'm going to address the one area - the weight loss...  I can't stress highly enough working with some form of coach, and not just a physical one!  That weight will likely have some emotional strings attached to it given what you've posted thus far, and you want to get those snipped so that you not only accomplish the wedding goal aspect, but more importantly keep it off for a lifetime.  Whatever you do - do not go wedding gown shopping until closer to the wedding.  With weight/size changes comes additional costs for the dress (you can purchase a dress of the rack the week of the wedding, it is far cheaper than a huge alterations bill or purchasing a second dress!).. 

    And yes - DO NOT accept ANY money from your Mom, it's going to come with strings and unless you accept the terms of those strings, you're setting yourself up for a ton of problems!

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